I feel like you’re speaking to me specifically, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, Hat and Glasses Man. You say “gay homosexual” in a way that makes me think “USA #1″, and that makes all the difference.
Sooo tired of these f’ing spell things. I’m going to shit on a stick and sell it as a chocolate unicorn summoning spell that only the strongest enchanted fucks can handle.
But wait, what? I won’t expect to pay $750? … not $725 … not $700 — but just $695 in 6.5 easy payments plus shipping & handling for the haunted gay homosexual vampire djinn ring & cock ring set, plus not only one, but TWO chocolate unicorn summong spell shit sticks?
Considering I’ve heard rumors that Brahm Stoker wrote Dracula to impress his gay crush, I find this entire thing hilarious and unfortunately enough I now kind of want this ring. Just to see if it would work if a woman wore it. Or maybe vampires only come to us when we’ve hit our lunar cycle?
To be fair and technical and nit-picky, most of them were bi. But they did lean toward gay more than half the time. I could see Lestat wearing this. Or Armand. But not Louis, because he wouldn’t want to attract more gay vampires to himself.
So. Having been born in Texas, I am using my critical thinking learnt there…most vampires are homosexuals, this then means that most homosexuals are vampires.
Well, I was of course only referring to gay and lesbian friends and family members I’ve invited in already without realizing they were vampires. Must. lock. doors.
One of her negative replies:
“totally fake she is selling the exact ring AGAIN! I have been ripped off! Buyer: orchas08 ( 155) Jan-04-12 22:36
Reply by magicforest22 (Jan-05-12 12:15):
had to sell it again, you never paid for it.
Follow-up by orchas08 (Jan-11-12 14:14):
I am wearing the ring now, nice ring FAKE! OWN REAL DJINNS THEY TOLD ME ITS FAKE”
MY GENIES TOLD ME SO! So there! *sticks tongue out*
I definitely want to see that movie. It would probably depress me – I got done for DUI about 25 years ago and it was no way as much fun in that jail as the movies make it seem.
<Although I never liked being referred to as a "practicing homosexual" back in England the '80s. I rather thought I was an expert and no more practice was required.
I can’t get over the fact the seller has repeat customers. Mind you, she also has a customer who say “Excellent Seller, Has Unique, Items” so probably should’t give too much credence to the feedback…
So now they’ve taken over our beloved Vampires?? First the fashion world, then the military, now Vampires… where will the far reaching tentacles of the Gay Agenda strike next? Our nation’s Mummies? Will Godzilla turn “Gay Homosexual”?
Good thing I have a bomb shelter stocked with Pepsi and Combos and videotapes of Bill O’Reilly shows. The walls are two feet thick- I’m pretty sure you can’t “catch gay” through that.
Well, this has some well-known* historical basis. Back in the bad old days, when gay men were burned as fuel in fires to burn witches, there was no good homosexual underground in ye olde England. So men wanting company at night would go up to a prospective man and say, “I vant to suck your….” They would never finish the phrase. Either the prospective man was receptive and knew what the last word was, and they would, using the phrase from the time, “Get ye stakes on.” Or the prospective man was a homophobic clergyman and assume that the last word was “Blood.” In which case, the gay man would be staked, (not in a pleasurable way). This was unfortunate, but better than being burned alive.
For 0nly $35.11 plus shipping and handling I will make you one OOAK garlic pendant on a genuine hemp cord for Protection if they direct you to their Etsy dark magik / previously dead / hemoglobin-dyed / randomly windblown wearables stores.
Thank you Elysapeth! I would never have gone there w/o your tribal voodoo fimo ( not available at WalMart) heads up! Her site is hilarious! Her self description is 110% bonkers! Her marketing skills are awesome, like an epiphany of bad taste that WORKS! The entire site should be over at Etsy on its way to immortalization at Regretsy … could someone please loan me some exclamation points? I’ve run out.
Nope. Wrong chemistry: it would have to be phosphorus and this is ( at best) pewter. Or more likely, aluminum. Possible black stains, no heat. Of course it would do the same thing to gay homosexual vampire male fingers.
July 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm
But it’s so exquisitely mass-produced! It’s got to be magical sexy gay homosexual gay vampire magic!
July 1, 2012 at 5:40 pm
I like your hat and glasses. I feel like I can trust you.
July 1, 2012 at 6:04 pm
I feel like you’re speaking to me specifically, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, Hat and Glasses Man. You say “gay homosexual” in a way that makes me think “USA #1″, and that makes all the difference.
July 2, 2012 at 12:25 am
Male vampires are gay it has to do with all the sucking
July 1, 2012 at 7:20 pm
But it’s so exquisitely mass-produced! It’s got to be magical sexy gay homosexual gay vampire magic!
Yes, but it’s only attractive to Chinese factory gay vampires.
If it was made of reclaimed magical Balinese boat-wood, now, that would be different.
July 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm
Sooo tired of these f’ing spell things. I’m going to shit on a stick and sell it as a chocolate unicorn summoning spell that only the strongest enchanted fucks can handle.
July 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm
I’ll give you $500 for it!!
July 1, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Hell yeah! I’m an ARTISTE!
July 1, 2012 at 8:31 pm
i love yr name.
have you seen this? it’s really neat:
TheVirtualOpiumMuseum
only thing that could make it better would be corporeality.
July 1, 2012 at 11:23 pm
Make that $750 if it comes with a matching haunted djinn cock ring that glows in the dark when a gay homosexual vampire is nearby.
July 1, 2012 at 11:57 pm
But wait, what? I won’t expect to pay $750? … not $725 … not $700 — but just $695 in 6.5 easy payments plus shipping & handling for the haunted gay homosexual vampire djinn ring & cock ring set, plus not only one, but TWO chocolate unicorn summong spell shit sticks?
July 2, 2012 at 9:47 am
Regretsy Nursery Rhymes: Rings on his fingers and a cockring below, he attracts vampires wherever he goes …?
July 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm
STRONGEST ENCHANTED FUCKS
July 1, 2012 at 6:46 pm
I have that DVD….
July 1, 2012 at 7:55 pm
I’m obviously missing out on the gay homosexual vampire sub-genre in my pron collection (although Brad and Tom were not too horrible)
July 1, 2012 at 11:25 pm
Honey, don’t forget you can beef up your new collection over at HBO — they’re not bad at a little gay homosexual vampire softcore porn.
July 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm
I’m kind of charmed by the way that they consistently capitalize Vampire.
July 1, 2012 at 5:37 pm
Would you say, perhaps even… enchanted? o_O ( <– magician eyes )
July 1, 2012 at 5:38 pm
It’s a mountain, didn’t you know?
July 2, 2012 at 7:27 pm
Charmed? Is that you Piper? Paige? Phoebe? Grams?
July 1, 2012 at 5:37 pm
Considering I’ve heard rumors that Brahm Stoker wrote Dracula to impress his gay crush, I find this entire thing hilarious and unfortunately enough I now kind of want this ring. Just to see if it would work if a woman wore it. Or maybe vampires only come to us when we’ve hit our lunar cycle?
July 1, 2012 at 5:44 pm
That’s werewolves.
July 2, 2012 at 10:56 am
I’m a woman, and I’d wear it. I need to attract a homosexual vampire to redecorate my bedroom.
May 6, 2013 at 6:17 pm
Twilight mom alert!
July 1, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Im almost dissapointed it doesnt say something like
10 available / 32 sold
July 1, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Most Vampires are homosexual
They’ve been making Twilight films for years. The secret is out.
July 1, 2012 at 5:46 pm
The whole glittery-in-sunlight was an undead giveaway.
July 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Anne Rice let the cat out of that bag years ago. All her male vampires were gay.
July 1, 2012 at 6:50 pm
To be fair and technical and nit-picky, most of them were bi. But they did lean toward gay more than half the time. I could see Lestat wearing this. Or Armand. But not Louis, because he wouldn’t want to attract more gay vampires to himself.
PS love the username.
July 4, 2012 at 11:20 am
Lestat and Armand had better taste than to wear this tacky piece of caca. Santino, on the other hand….
July 6, 2012 at 5:18 pm
Oh lets be real after 100 year sexual preference is down to who you’re with at the time.
July 1, 2012 at 5:53 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm
So. Having been born in Texas, I am using my critical thinking learnt there…most vampires are homosexuals, this then means that most homosexuals are vampires.
…locking my doors tonight.
July 1, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Yeah, all them homoseckshuls sure wanna break into Nana’s.
July 1, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Well, I was of course only referring to gay and lesbian friends and family members I’ve invited in already without realizing they were vampires. Must. lock. doors.
Not ALL, silly.
July 1, 2012 at 7:56 pm
It’s true! It’s true! You only thought I was nuzzling your bosoms but now the secret is out. damn.
July 1, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 1, 2012 at 8:11 pm
Uh…yes, I realized the absurdity of the statement when I posted it.
July 2, 2012 at 11:01 am
RWB/SHG, you obviously haven’t installed the requisite SARCASM/IRONY FONT.
It’s available for just $19.99 at
http://www.regretsy.com/downloads/sarcironfont.html
July 2, 2012 at 12:34 am
You mean like how all thumbs are fingers but not all fingers are thumbs?
Oh wait. No you didn’t.
July 1, 2012 at 6:11 pm
My younger son, who’s homosexual (but not a vampire) just wants the world to know that is the fugliest ring he’s ever seen.
Also, if all vampires are homosexual, how do you explain the lesbian vampires? Or do they have their own ring?
As for Twilight…pffft! You think all that time Edward and Jacob spent circling each other was over Bella? Get real!
July 1, 2012 at 6:21 pm
I’m a big ol’ mo, and I would never wear this thing.
July 1, 2012 at 6:25 pm
The lesbian ring has a plaid pattern.
July 1, 2012 at 6:26 pm
It’s a sight more practical too.
July 1, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Also doubles as a beer bottle opener.
July 1, 2012 at 11:19 pm
I’ve been trying to figure out how to attract lesbian vampires to me for years, and I think you’ve finally given me the answer. Look out, world.
July 1, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Lesbians ARE homosexual. A lesbian is a homosexual woman. ‘Homosexual’ doesn’t refer purely to men.
July 1, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Yes, but the ring only attracts gay men.
July 1, 2012 at 9:51 pm
“Gay” is also supposed to be non-gender-specific. Don’t take that wrong, Lesbians!
July 1, 2012 at 6:20 pm
July 1, 2012 at 6:24 pm
As a homosexual male, I can safely say that I do not need that ring to attract vampires.
July 1, 2012 at 6:51 pm
* because my ‘ring’ is more than enough.
July 1, 2012 at 6:38 pm
One of her negative replies:
“totally fake she is selling the exact ring AGAIN! I have been ripped off! Buyer: orchas08 ( 155) Jan-04-12 22:36
Reply by magicforest22 (Jan-05-12 12:15):
had to sell it again, you never paid for it.
Follow-up by orchas08 (Jan-11-12 14:14):
I am wearing the ring now, nice ring FAKE! OWN REAL DJINNS THEY TOLD ME ITS FAKE”
MY GENIES TOLD ME SO! So there! *sticks tongue out*
July 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm
How could you miss this gem lurking in the neutral review section:
“pretty item, once I re-glued the parts. Haven’t notice any active spirits.” Buyer: mple6605 Jul-10-11 09:27″
July 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm
I don’t know about homosexual vampires, but obviously this ring attracts immature crazies.
July 1, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Hold on to your shorts boys and girls- they’re have a “buy 2 get 1 free” sale you can summon multiple vampires/homosexuals/succubi/invisible friends!
July 1, 2012 at 7:59 pm
I definitely want to see that movie. It would probably depress me – I got done for DUI about 25 years ago and it was no way as much fun in that jail as the movies make it seem.
July 1, 2012 at 8:55 pm
I’d rather have a gay incubus than a succubus visit me.
July 1, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Yeah,but if you buy 2, you run the risk of both vampires meeting and running off together. Dammit.
My ring is better, even though it only tells me to D-R-I-N-K M-O-R-E O-V-A-L-T-I-N-E.
July 2, 2012 at 12:59 am
Needs more thumbs.
July 2, 2012 at 11:15 am
“Don’t talk to me- I’m, uhhh…thinking.”
That’s one of the greatest movies ever.
July 1, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Where do they come by their data? Is Vampire gaydar stronger than human gaydar?
July 1, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Also, I agree. A gay Vampire would want something flashier — like a Superbowl ring, dipped in rainbow glitter.
Wait, wait, wait…wrong kind of vampire.
July 1, 2012 at 7:37 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 1, 2012 at 8:52 pm
Well, you know how Anne Rice vampires all had a superpower and Stephanie Meyer kind of stole that idea?
It’s true, it’s just that all of them have gaydar.
July 1, 2012 at 7:44 pm
Is there some kind of warranty with this ring. Because if only straight vampires show up at my door I’m gonna be pretty pissed.
July 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm
There are no straight vampires. Some are bi.
July 1, 2012 at 8:02 pm
I prefer the term “homosexualist”
<Although I never liked being referred to as a "practicing homosexual" back in England the '80s. I rather thought I was an expert and no more practice was required.
July 1, 2012 at 9:01 pm
I like homosexualist. It makes you sound like a scientist.
“I must closely examine this man’s ass… FOR SCIENCE!”
July 2, 2012 at 8:57 am
“Practicing homosexual” sounds like you attend a special church for being gay.
July 1, 2012 at 8:18 pm
I feel like there’s an untapped market here that needs to be taken advantage of.
I’m not not exactly certain if it’s quite time to sink to that level or not.
July 1, 2012 at 8:42 pm
I have a sudden urge to don a cheerleader outfit, grab some reclaimed boat wood stakes, a mallet, & hit the gay bars!
July 1, 2012 at 8:56 pm
Call me crazy, but wouldn’t a gay homosexual be straight?
July 2, 2012 at 6:38 am
No, just happy.
July 2, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Your username is not a lie.
July 1, 2012 at 9:01 pm
The ring itself is everything that sucks about this post.
July 1, 2012 at 11:49 pm
I can’t get over the fact the seller has repeat customers. Mind you, she also has a customer who say “Excellent Seller, Has Unique, Items” so probably should’t give too much credence to the feedback…
July 2, 2012 at 1:19 am
Those protrusions to the side of the stone look kinda like hands… That are spreading the large ring around brown stone…
July 2, 2012 at 7:13 pm
OMG. Goatse!
Cannot. Unsee.
July 2, 2012 at 6:33 am
The weirdest part is, I was looking at a Marshall Lee/Prince Gumball video on Youtube before I saw this.
July 2, 2012 at 7:47 am
Haunted: I don’t think it means what you think it does.
July 2, 2012 at 7:54 am
So now they’ve taken over our beloved Vampires?? First the fashion world, then the military, now Vampires… where will the far reaching tentacles of the Gay Agenda strike next? Our nation’s Mummies? Will Godzilla turn “Gay Homosexual”?
Good thing I have a bomb shelter stocked with Pepsi and Combos and videotapes of Bill O’Reilly shows. The walls are two feet thick- I’m pretty sure you can’t “catch gay” through that.
July 2, 2012 at 8:39 am
Well, this has some well-known* historical basis. Back in the bad old days, when gay men were burned as fuel in fires to burn witches, there was no good homosexual underground in ye olde England. So men wanting company at night would go up to a prospective man and say, “I vant to suck your….” They would never finish the phrase. Either the prospective man was receptive and knew what the last word was, and they would, using the phrase from the time, “Get ye stakes on.” Or the prospective man was a homophobic clergyman and assume that the last word was “Blood.” In which case, the gay man would be staked, (not in a pleasurable way). This was unfortunate, but better than being burned alive.
*Well-known = complete bullshit.
July 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Penalties for lesbians were more/less severe, depending on your perspective: forced marriages to drunken aristocrats.
July 2, 2012 at 9:44 am
If a heterosexual goes out at night with this ring and a pint of citrated sheep blood agar, what does he/she attract?
July 2, 2012 at 9:48 am
Mosquitos?
July 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm
A staph infection.
July 2, 2012 at 9:59 am
I own the exact same item, except it’s a Buick.
July 2, 2012 at 10:59 am
Will these attracted homosexual vampires give me some fashion tips? Or is all they’re going to pick out goth clothes?
July 2, 2012 at 1:02 pm
For 0nly $35.11 plus shipping and handling I will make you one OOAK garlic pendant on a genuine hemp cord for Protection if they direct you to their Etsy dark magik / previously dead / hemoglobin-dyed / randomly windblown wearables stores.
July 2, 2012 at 2:56 pm
I am rather fond of this:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/HAUNTED-AFRICAN-VOODOO-LOVE-NECKLACE-FREE-CHARGING-BOX-DEAL-/110789009593?_trksid=p4340.m1985&_trkparms=aid%3D444000%26algo%3DSOI.CURRENT%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D13%26meid%3D331774610967618279%26pid%3D100012%26prg%3D1014%26rk%3D3%26#ht_7638wt_1185
Authentic African tribal voodoo FIMO!!!
July 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm
You should submit that to the proper authorities: sitesubmissions@regretsy.com
July 2, 2012 at 9:46 pm
Thank you Elysapeth! I would never have gone there w/o your tribal voodoo fimo ( not available at WalMart) heads up! Her site is hilarious! Her self description is 110% bonkers! Her marketing skills are awesome, like an epiphany of bad taste that WORKS! The entire site should be over at Etsy on its way to immortalization at Regretsy … could someone please loan me some exclamation points? I’ve run out.
July 2, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Definitely not fabulous enough for a gay vampire. Oh dear, I wonder what would happen if a women wore it? Would it burn through her fingers?
July 2, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Nope. Wrong chemistry: it would have to be phosphorus and this is ( at best) pewter. Or more likely, aluminum. Possible black stains, no heat. Of course it would do the same thing to gay homosexual vampire male fingers.