This post first appeared on Regretsy in July of 2011
Oh please. Like a gay man would ever wear that ring.
But it’s so exquisitely mass-produced! It’s got to be magical sexy gay homosexual gay vampire magic!
I like your hat and glasses. I feel like I can trust you.
I feel like you’re speaking to me specifically, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, Hat and Glasses Man. You say “gay homosexual” in a way that makes me think “USA #1″, and that makes all the difference.
Male vampires are gay it has to do with all the sucking
Yes, but it’s only attractive to Chinese factory gay vampires.
If it was made of reclaimed magical Balinese boat-wood, now, that would be different.
Sooo tired of these f’ing spell things. I’m going to shit on a stick and sell it as a chocolate unicorn summoning spell that only the strongest enchanted fucks can handle.
I’ll give you $500 for it!!
Hell yeah! I’m an ARTISTE!
i love yr name.
have you seen this? it’s really neat:
only thing that could make it better would be corporeality.
Make that $750 if it comes with a matching haunted djinn cock ring that glows in the dark when a gay homosexual vampire is nearby.
But wait, what? I won’t expect to pay $750? … not $725 … not $700 — but just $695 in 6.5 easy payments plus shipping & handling for the haunted gay homosexual vampire djinn ring & cock ring set, plus not only one, but TWO chocolate unicorn summong spell shit sticks?
Regretsy Nursery Rhymes: Rings on his fingers and a cockring below, he attracts vampires wherever he goes …?
STRONGEST ENCHANTED FUCKS
I have that DVD….
I’m obviously missing out on the gay homosexual vampire sub-genre in my pron collection (although Brad and Tom were not too horrible)
Honey, don’t forget you can beef up your new collection over at HBO — they’re not bad at a little gay homosexual vampire softcore porn.
I’m kind of charmed by the way that they consistently capitalize Vampire.
Would you say, perhaps even… enchanted? o_O ( <– magician eyes )
It’s a mountain, didn’t you know?
Charmed? Is that you Piper? Paige? Phoebe? Grams?
Considering I’ve heard rumors that Brahm Stoker wrote Dracula to impress his gay crush, I find this entire thing hilarious and unfortunately enough I now kind of want this ring. Just to see if it would work if a woman wore it. Or maybe vampires only come to us when we’ve hit our lunar cycle?
I’m a woman, and I’d wear it. I need to attract a homosexual vampire to redecorate my bedroom.
Twilight mom alert!
Im almost dissapointed it doesnt say something like
10 available / 32 sold
Most Vampires are homosexual
They’ve been making Twilight films for years. The secret is out.
The whole glittery-in-sunlight was an undead giveaway.
Anne Rice let the cat out of that bag years ago. All her male vampires were gay.
To be fair and technical and nit-picky, most of them were bi. But they did lean toward gay more than half the time. I could see Lestat wearing this. Or Armand. But not Louis, because he wouldn’t want to attract more gay vampires to himself.
PS love the username.
Lestat and Armand had better taste than to wear this tacky piece of caca. Santino, on the other hand….
Oh lets be real after 100 year sexual preference is down to who you’re with at the time.
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I had no idea most Vampires were homo’s…. Totally blows my mind, oh and my Dreams
So. Having been born in Texas, I am using my critical thinking learnt there…most vampires are homosexuals, this then means that most homosexuals are vampires.
…locking my doors tonight.
Yeah, all them homoseckshuls sure wanna break into Nana’s.
Well, I was of course only referring to gay and lesbian friends and family members I’ve invited in already without realizing they were vampires. Must. lock. doors.
Not ALL, silly.
It’s true! It’s true! You only thought I was nuzzling your bosoms but now the secret is out. damn.
Maybe if you move out of your state of mind you’ll realize the absurdity of your statement, which is like saying, …
“most Texans are Americans, therefore most Americans are Texans.”
Shesus H Gryst, Nana is nanners.
Uh…yes, I realized the absurdity of the statement when I posted it.
RWB/SHG, you obviously haven’t installed the requisite SARCASM/IRONY FONT.
It’s available for just $19.99 at
You mean like how all thumbs are fingers but not all fingers are thumbs?
Oh wait. No you didn’t.
My younger son, who’s homosexual (but not a vampire) just wants the world to know that is the fugliest ring he’s ever seen.
Also, if all vampires are homosexual, how do you explain the lesbian vampires? Or do they have their own ring?
As for Twilight…pffft! You think all that time Edward and Jacob spent circling each other was over Bella? Get real!
I’m a big ol’ mo, and I would never wear this thing.
The lesbian ring has a plaid pattern.
It’s a sight more practical too.
Also doubles as a beer bottle opener.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to attract lesbian vampires to me for years, and I think you’ve finally given me the answer. Look out, world.
Lesbians ARE homosexual. A lesbian is a homosexual woman. ‘Homosexual’ doesn’t refer purely to men.
Yes, but the ring only attracts gay men.
“Gay” is also supposed to be non-gender-specific. Don’t take that wrong, Lesbians!
As a homosexual male, I can safely say that I do not need that ring to attract vampires.
* because my ‘ring’ is more than enough.
One of her negative replies:
“totally fake she is selling the exact ring AGAIN! I have been ripped off! Buyer: orchas08 ( 155) Jan-04-12 22:36
Reply by magicforest22 (Jan-05-12 12:15):
had to sell it again, you never paid for it.
Follow-up by orchas08 (Jan-11-12 14:14):
I am wearing the ring now, nice ring FAKE! OWN REAL DJINNS THEY TOLD ME ITS FAKE”
MY GENIES TOLD ME SO! So there! *sticks tongue out*
How could you miss this gem lurking in the neutral review section:
“pretty item, once I re-glued the parts. Haven’t notice any active spirits.” Buyer: mple6605 Jul-10-11 09:27″
I don’t know about homosexual vampires, but obviously this ring attracts immature crazies.
Hold on to your shorts boys and girls- they’re have a “buy 2 get 1 free” sale you can summon multiple vampires/homosexuals/succubi/invisible friends!
I definitely want to see that movie. It would probably depress me – I got done for DUI about 25 years ago and it was no way as much fun in that jail as the movies make it seem.
I’d rather have a gay incubus than a succubus visit me.
Yeah,but if you buy 2, you run the risk of both vampires meeting and running off together. Dammit.
My ring is better, even though it only tells me to D-R-I-N-K M-O-R-E O-V-A-L-T-I-N-E.
Needs more thumbs.
“Don’t talk to me- I’m, uhhh…thinking.”
That’s one of the greatest movies ever.
Where do they come by their data? Is Vampire gaydar stronger than human gaydar?
Also, I agree. A gay Vampire would want something flashier — like a Superbowl ring, dipped in rainbow glitter.
Wait, wait, wait…wrong kind of vampire.
Well, you know how Anne Rice vampires all had a superpower and Stephanie Meyer kind of stole that idea?
It’s true, it’s just that all of them have gaydar.
Is there some kind of warranty with this ring. Because if only straight vampires show up at my door I’m gonna be pretty pissed.
There are no straight vampires. Some are bi.
I prefer the term “homosexualist”
<Although I never liked being referred to as a "practicing homosexual" back in England the '80s. I rather thought I was an expert and no more practice was required.
I like homosexualist. It makes you sound like a scientist.
“I must closely examine this man’s ass… FOR SCIENCE!”
“Practicing homosexual” sounds like you attend a special church for being gay.
I feel like there’s an untapped market here that needs to be taken advantage of.
I’m not not exactly certain if it’s quite time to sink to that level or not.
I have a sudden urge to don a cheerleader outfit, grab some reclaimed boat wood stakes, a mallet, & hit the gay bars!
Call me crazy, but wouldn’t a gay homosexual be straight?
No, just happy.
Your username is not a lie.
The ring itself is everything that sucks about this post.
I can’t get over the fact the seller has repeat customers. Mind you, she also has a customer who say “Excellent Seller, Has Unique, Items” so probably should’t give too much credence to the feedback…
Those protrusions to the side of the stone look kinda like hands… That are spreading the large ring around brown stone…
The weirdest part is, I was looking at a Marshall Lee/Prince Gumball video on Youtube before I saw this.
Haunted: I don’t think it means what you think it does.
So now they’ve taken over our beloved Vampires?? First the fashion world, then the military, now Vampires… where will the far reaching tentacles of the Gay Agenda strike next? Our nation’s Mummies? Will Godzilla turn “Gay Homosexual”?
Good thing I have a bomb shelter stocked with Pepsi and Combos and videotapes of Bill O’Reilly shows. The walls are two feet thick- I’m pretty sure you can’t “catch gay” through that.
Well, this has some well-known* historical basis. Back in the bad old days, when gay men were burned as fuel in fires to burn witches, there was no good homosexual underground in ye olde England. So men wanting company at night would go up to a prospective man and say, “I vant to suck your….” They would never finish the phrase. Either the prospective man was receptive and knew what the last word was, and they would, using the phrase from the time, “Get ye stakes on.” Or the prospective man was a homophobic clergyman and assume that the last word was “Blood.” In which case, the gay man would be staked, (not in a pleasurable way). This was unfortunate, but better than being burned alive.
*Well-known = complete bullshit.
Penalties for lesbians were more/less severe, depending on your perspective: forced marriages to drunken aristocrats.
If a heterosexual goes out at night with this ring and a pint of citrated sheep blood agar, what does he/she attract?
A staph infection.
I own the exact same item, except it’s a Buick.
Will these attracted homosexual vampires give me some fashion tips? Or is all they’re going to pick out goth clothes?
For 0nly $35.11 plus shipping and handling I will make you one OOAK garlic pendant on a genuine hemp cord for Protection if they direct you to their Etsy dark magik / previously dead / hemoglobin-dyed / randomly windblown wearables stores.
I am rather fond of this:
Authentic African tribal voodoo FIMO!!!
You should submit that to the proper authorities: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you Elysapeth! I would never have gone there w/o your tribal voodoo fimo ( not available at WalMart) heads up! Her site is hilarious! Her self description is 110% bonkers! Her marketing skills are awesome, like an epiphany of bad taste that WORKS! The entire site should be over at Etsy on its way to immortalization at Regretsy … could someone please loan me some exclamation points? I’ve run out.
Definitely not fabulous enough for a gay vampire. Oh dear, I wonder what would happen if a women wore it? Would it burn through her fingers?
Nope. Wrong chemistry: it would have to be phosphorus and this is ( at best) pewter. Or more likely, aluminum. Possible black stains, no heat. Of course it would do the same thing to gay homosexual vampire male fingers.
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