On A Roll
This post first appeared on Regretsy in June of 2011
First of all, how is this a coozy? Isn’t a coozy one of those insulated things you put on a beer can to keep it cold? Or does this keep your toilet paper chilled for anal refreshment? And how does this save toilet paper? Is it because it’s such a pain in the ass to take the roll out of the fucking fabric baggie that no one bothers to wipe anymore? That doesn’t seem like such a bargain. Maybe you save toilet paper, but your Shout bill is going to go through the roof.
Then again, maybe you’re just supposed to back up and wipe your ass on this thing. I guess that’s possible. But I thought that’s what guest towels were for.
THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I THINK ABOUT
June 29, 2012 at 1:35 pm
The owls are watching you pee.
June 29, 2012 at 1:36 pm
i love that what would be my inner monologue becomes your spoken monologue. you do all the work for me. thanks!
June 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I’m just glad it comes in brown fabric. Otherwise, I can’t imagine what it would look like after a few late night curry/beer outings.
June 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm
LOLOL, I like how it’s designed to hang on the bar that the TP is supposed to hand from *fail*
June 29, 2012 at 1:43 pm
If that “cracks my friends up”, then I’ve really gotta question my choice in friends.
June 29, 2012 at 2:21 pm
*hang*
June 29, 2012 at 2:22 pm
I thought the *fail* already covered that.
June 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I’ll say it again: The bathroom is no place for mind games.
June 29, 2012 at 1:45 pm
A friend of mine has one of these! I think it’s supposed to keep his cats from clawing up the toilet paper.
June 29, 2012 at 11:28 pm
See, that can understand, because the way cats claw up the toilet paper you’d think it was a vicious animal or something.
June 30, 2012 at 1:00 am
I could see it, too, but my cats act like the toilet paper doesn’t exist. In my rental house, the roll mount in my bathroom is in a REALLY bad place to reach for when my back’s hurting, so I added some stick-on hooks to the tiles across from the toilet to hang up a long Ikea wire basket thing as a shelf. Toilet paper’s out in the open, even directly under a window that the kittens love to jump into, but they don’t bother it at all.
This is also why why a ‘coozy’ would be useless to me: not only would I still have to twist and reach behind me (why is the mount on the same wall as the tank and not the side of the sink cabinet?!) but I’d have to play “human claw machine” at the same time. Not exactly handicap-accessible, especially when the roll’s new.
June 30, 2012 at 1:53 am
Yes! That is the entire point of these. No matter how old my cat gets she unrolls and frolics in the toilet paper. It isn’t the most convenient thing but it’s more convenient than cleaning up toilet paper.
June 29, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Because I always think about opportunities to increase the number of surfaces in my bathroom that my guests can touch during the wiping process, right?
June 29, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Thought the same thing – ugh. I guess it can always double as a Family Cloth dispenser. *shudder*
June 29, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Beware that smear on the medicine cabinet!
June 29, 2012 at 1:48 pm
That fabric is really cute though; Id buy, like, a lunch sack made out of that.
June 29, 2012 at 2:07 pm
oh please, don’t say anything about lunch and bathroom in the same place!!!!
June 29, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Now that’s a pain in the butt!
June 29, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Designing something that is LESS useful than the thing it’s replacing is such an interesting business choice.
June 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm
It’s where DIY meets What’s the Point?
June 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I am thoroughly skeeved right now. Heree is why:
What most people don’t realize is that because men stand up to pee, the force of the stream hitting the water “aerosolizes” the urine into a fine mist of droplets that clings to things around the toilet. That is why you have tile, and why you should clean that tile often. Yes, a fine mist of urine will cover that fabric thingy every time your guy pees.
Also, added bonus for the ladies: your leg will bump that thing every time you stand up.
June 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm
There’s also an aerosol action every time you flush – droplets of dirty water go everywhere within two feet of the bowl.
June 30, 2012 at 1:26 am
That’s why I run like hell everytime I pull the flush handle. It does make my guests wonder if the BR is on fire again; but at least I’m safe!
June 30, 2012 at 3:40 pm
“again”?
July 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Shutting the lid first might help too…
Public bathrooms are pretty gross though. I tend to hold my breath from flush through to hands in the water in the sink.
June 29, 2012 at 2:07 pm
I’m totally disturbed that people have decided to change the spelling of cozy to coozy. When did that start?
June 29, 2012 at 2:10 pm
That’s what they call it in the South. Maybe it caught on everywhere?
June 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm
No, it’s supposed to be spelled koozy or koozie. It’s for your beer.
June 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I doon’t knoow, but it’s majoorly annooying.
June 29, 2012 at 3:06 pm
When the stopped teaching spelling in school.
June 30, 2012 at 2:09 am
What tejasmoms said, and I think ‘Koozy/Koozie’ was the brand name of the original beer can sleeve, which then just got adopted by everyone either horning in on the recognition or too lazy to think of a name of their own. There are also people who I’m sure say ‘koozy’ because it sounds like a vagina joke.
June 29, 2012 at 2:09 pm
i hate whimsical and i hate changing rolls. Butt, two wrongs don’t make this right!
June 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I hate combining “whimsy” with “taking a shit”.
June 29, 2012 at 2:12 pm
“Be right back. I need to take a delightfully humorous gastrointestinal romp.”
June 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm
“I just took the most hilarious dump! Come see!”
June 29, 2012 at 2:20 pm
aha! this thing multi tasks
June 29, 2012 at 2:21 pm
this thing multi tasks. nice!
July 1, 2012 at 8:22 pm
It’s multi-purpose.
June 29, 2012 at 6:01 pm
Combining anything other than “reading the newspaper/trashy novel/Oxford English Dictionary” or “staring at the wall” with “taking a shit” is a little disturbing. Whimsicle perhaps, but still disturbing.
June 29, 2012 at 10:06 pm
I once pooped bright blue after eating birthday cake that was 50% food coloring, so I have to agree with you.
June 30, 2012 at 1:29 am
The people who make TV ads for feminine hygiene and assorted absorbent paper products will be wanting to have a word with you.
June 29, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Maybe not so useful for the bathroom, but it might be handy to hang on a bed frame and keep things like toys, lube, and tissues in.
June 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm
a squeaky toy with a runny nose?
June 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm
ohh, I love that idea! But without a way to close it, I see coming home to my cat having pulled everything out and my “toys” vibrating on the floor…
June 29, 2012 at 3:11 pm
I have one of those! Mine’s far less sexy, though, as I still live at home. It’s called a “bedside buddy” and I got it for college– very handy when you don’t have a nightstand. You slide the un-pocketed half of it under your mattress so the weight of that holds it in place, and it’s got pockets for your eyeglasses and a big pocket for a book…
Yes, I’m a virgin, why do you ask?
June 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Here’s my question: how fucking hard is it to change a TP roll that you feel the desire to put it in a lunch bag?
June 29, 2012 at 2:15 pm
My question is: What are you serving your guests that’s making them use enough toilet paper to piss you off?
June 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm
You’d be surprised how insane some people become if they’re not used to having guests. I stayed at a friend’s house for one week. She lived by herself. *She* was the one who invited me to come visit her, mind.
During that week, she became weirdly angry that we went through ‘twice as much TP’ as she normally does by herself, implying that I was somehow a terrible person for wiping my ass or something, and that I shouldn’t use TP… But, when I offered to buy her more TP she acted upset that I would even offer such a thing. It was a really awkward no-win situation really. She acted illogical and rude about a lot of odd stuff that week. The visit basically ended our friendship.
June 30, 2012 at 3:44 pm
I’ve had a houseguest who insisted on a fresh bath towel every day. The two people who live here usually go through a towel every two or three days, and we have twelve bath towels. That was a LOT of unnecessary laundry.
TP? Hell, dry yourself with it when you get out of the shower. We won’t care.
June 29, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Seriously, right? But apparently we need a cottage industry for hiding the one thing that you really need to find in a bathroom…
June 29, 2012 at 2:18 pm
i dunno. might come in handy when i eat really spicy food as we grade spiciness in my circle as: hot, really hot, “put-the-toilet-paper-in-the-freezer” hot.
hence, a TP coozy might be just the thing…
June 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm
aha! I figured it out. This is actually for those with a medical condition called Vomifecalitis (you puke when you shit) — thus it’s a barf bag/tp “coozy.”
June 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm
FINALLY! a coozy that goes our toilet…
June 29, 2012 at 2:35 pm
WHOOOOoooooooooooooooooo is taking a shit now, said the owl!
June 29, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Oh my god…that is a sears owl toilet seat from the 1970′s isn’t it?! We had the frog and the turtle from the same series at my family’s cottage growing up! And now I have the task of hand painting a replica of the turtle seat to replace the original one since all of the “kids” (we are all in our 30′s and 40′s now) flipped out when my mom remodeled the bathroom and threw them out. Turns out we had all formed some weird strong bonds with the frog and turtle as we shat over the years!
June 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm
Never mess with places you summer as kids. My grandfather died in 1977 and the majority of his tools are where he left them (on the labeled hooks).
June 30, 2012 at 2:20 am
Get a stenciling line going, make one for each sibling, and have the strangest/happiest/most embarrassing for your parents Christmas* morning ever!
[*please adjust for personal observance of gift-opening occasion]
June 29, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Here’s the scenario I’m picturing:
You take a shit. You hold the bottom of the bag with one hand, stick you fingers in the hole of the toilet paper roll and try to twist it out of the bag. You get it out, and unravel enough for a wipe. You put the roll on the toilet tank or sink while you wipe. You maybe do this two or three times. Then you either just put the roll back in the bag with your hands possibly dirty (what if there was “poke-through”?), or wash your hands, dry them (make sure they’re fully dry because otherwise the toilet paper will get wet) and then put the roll back in the bag. Then flush.
See??? It’s so much easier than the traditional method!
June 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm
If I put that in my bathroom, the bitching would never end! (thus a conversation point)? I even put a piece of furniture in my bathroom specifically to ensure easy access! To get to my installed roll holder, you have to be a contortionist with Circe De Sole. Is getting to the tp supposed to be a challenge? Apparently, though no one ever notified ME!
June 30, 2012 at 2:25 am
Perhaps our holders were installed by the same people. Mine is on the same wall as the tank, and if it were any closer to the toilet, it would be behind it.
June 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm
How in the hell does this save on toilet paper? By making it such a pain to get to, you’ll just say “fuck it” and skip wiping altogether?
June 29, 2012 at 2:39 pm
No one will ever use yur bathroom again because they can’t get the roll out of that damned thing?>
June 29, 2012 at 2:39 pm
You definitely won’t save on laundry though, because your guests will end up using all of your hand towels and face cloths.
June 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm
I get it. It turns your TP into a protectively insulated electric toothbrush coosy. Genius!
June 29, 2012 at 2:55 pm
…but it goes on the towel rack, silly.
June 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm
We all know that whimsical is a ” craft warning-word” like “charming” or “fixer-upper” are in real estate ads. And why am I supposed to be telling my guests anything about my TP? My friends are all intelligent enough that I neither need to discuss TP with them or provide them with bathroom entertainment.
June 29, 2012 at 3:18 pm
I’m generally NOT in favor of a move that makes something LESS efficient than it previously was.
Previously, pull TP off, wipe, flush.
With this–try dig TP out of bag, pull out the roll holder, replace. Attempt to dig out of bag again, it pops out and rolls away out of reach, so you have to lean as far as possible to grab hold of the very end of the roll, pull some, tear, wipe and flush.
Seriously. Not worth it.
June 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm
You forgot the anxiety (or secret glee) about wondering if there was anything on your hands when you went back for Round 2.
June 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I would totally crack up if I saw this in a friend’s bathroom. And by ‘crack up’ I actually mean ‘take a picture with my phone so I can make fun of them later.’
June 29, 2012 at 9:01 pm
As a protest against these becoming popular, I suggest if any of us ever see one in a bathroom we do the following: remove the roll, shit into the cloth bag, and jam the roll back on top. Once the word gets out and no one will ever buy one again. If we all band together we can nip this trend in the bud!
June 30, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Acrobatic, but doable. I like it!
July 1, 2012 at 11:22 am
The word “koozy” should be a fucking crime. It makes it sound like one is storing/insulating something in ones vajingo, no thank you!
July 1, 2012 at 8:18 pm
Some people like a chilly willy. On the other hand, throw in a bum warmer, and sold!
July 1, 2012 at 8:19 pm
Hey, you get your “anal refreshment” your way, I’ll get it mine.
July 19, 2012 at 9:00 pm
This is actually deceptively awesome. Okay calling it a fucking coozy makes it regretsy material, but if any of you people have ever had a cat play with the toilet ppr and unravel the entire damn roll all over the house…. well the thing has potential.