Etsy: Your Softcore Porn Resource (NSFW)
This post first appeared on Regretsy in June of 2011
If we’ve learned one thing from Ebay, it’s that nothing sells your worthless crap like showing your tits.
But Ebay is not the only online resource for spank banking. It turns out that Etsy is a treasure trove of gratuitous imagery. And I’m not even talking about pasties or bras, or other garments that require your tits be shown. I’m talking about finding a way to show your tits when you’re selling pants. Those are the real heroes.
And as a special bonus, men are starting to get into the forced, self conscious style of artsy exhibitionism, proving conclusively that there is something for everyone on Etsy – providing everyone is sitting in front of their computer with their dick out.
KEEP CALM AND JERK ON
June 29, 2012 at 9:32 am
I like the last one which said “boy not included” I sure hope he wasn’t included! Who would even want him included wearing that is beyond me.
June 29, 2012 at 9:35 am
He’s $20 extra plus the promise of pot.
June 29, 2012 at 9:49 am
No less than 2 months of couch surfing included.
June 29, 2012 at 9:49 am
I was disappointed. I would hit that in a hot heartbeat. He looks exactly like the kind of boy my ma told me to avoid!
June 29, 2012 at 9:54 am
Looks like the smell would make that an easy job.
June 29, 2012 at 10:01 am
He’s probably the bass player in a band called “Funkopatamus” or something lame like that. I’ve met way too many dudes just like that.
June 29, 2012 at 11:13 am
I agree on the bass player angle, but I’m thinking the band would be a bit more ironic hipster, maybe named “The McLean Stevenson Experience”
June 29, 2012 at 11:16 am
When they end a gig, they could tell the audience, “You’ve been McLeaned!”.
p.s.- They’re all wearing mustaches.
June 30, 2012 at 3:03 am
Maybe you’re on to something here. I met McLean Stevenson once and he stared at my boobs the whole two minutes we spoke. He was 100% creepy.
June 29, 2012 at 10:28 am
Maybe if he had *just* showered, and I only had to interact with him below the waist? His penis seems decently-sized anyway.
June 29, 2012 at 10:57 am
Your standards seem kind of low, Valmonty. Is there something you want to talk about? I promise I’ll keep it between us and everyone else who visits this site.
June 29, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Looks like it’s 50% padding to me
July 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Maybe if one likes vienna sausages. *snort*
June 29, 2012 at 11:51 am
You’ve overlooked his principal asset. She’s got a blissful grin on her face because she’s been flogging something besides that hideous top.
June 29, 2012 at 9:33 am
Who needs Chatroulette when you can just click on a random Etsy item. At least then you won’t have to feign discussion for 3 seconds before whipping it out.
June 29, 2012 at 9:35 am
Yeah, thank god. Looks like Ke$ha and Skrillex had a baby.
June 29, 2012 at 9:38 am
The picture of the gentleman modeling the wifebeater makes feel a little funny,in a good way. I wonder why he only has one nipple ring,he seems artistically symmetric everywhere else.
June 29, 2012 at 9:42 am
Why would anybody want that beater after he touched his junk with it?
June 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Tats are amazing but shouldn’t a jizz rag be on craigslist, not Etsy?
July 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm
The seller should have a disclaimer – “your wife beater be brand new, not the one pictured on the penis hanger – unless you want that one.”
June 29, 2012 at 9:51 am
Symmetry is a fickle beast.
June 29, 2012 at 9:51 am
It makes me feel funny because of how badly the background has been Photoshopped. I need to be careful how I phrase the use of Magic Wand Tool in regard to this picture.
June 29, 2012 at 5:45 pm
I saw “Men’s Beater” in the title plus that photo and thought the product for sale was something completely different.
June 29, 2012 at 9:40 am
Jesus may have made her Kosher but he sure didn’t make those tits.
June 29, 2012 at 9:44 am
She bought those tits on Etsy.
June 29, 2012 at 9:47 am
Made from upcycled, vintage silicone no doubt.
June 29, 2012 at 9:53 am
They are steampunk boobs.
June 29, 2012 at 9:52 am
So you think Jesus was an ass man?
June 29, 2012 at 11:32 am
Since most breast implants are made by a sub-division of Dow Chemical in the Tlaxcala, Mexico plant, there is a strong likelihood that a Jesus did in fact make those tits.
June 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm
You win.
June 29, 2012 at 2:55 pm
Hmm, not Jewish so have a question. Given her dairy the the meat in the last pic does that mean this post is not Kosher?
June 29, 2012 at 9:41 am
When was the last time the last two bathed? They both have filthy hair and just look unwashed in general. I would hate to smell that shirt after someone who hasn’t bathed in a week has worn it.
June 29, 2012 at 9:43 am
Photo 1: Her boobs would look better if she wasn’t squishing them painfully in an arm vice.
Photo 2: I wouldn’t wear that top with that skirt but then again, I’m a fat jealous loser so what do I know?
Photo 3: Are fake tits kosher? Because I don’t think Jesus made you with those tits.
Photo 4: “Wear them to love in.” Enough said.
Photo 5: “Hand stitched together with love and passion” but not talent.
Photo 6: Is that a baby Tribble around her neck?
Photo 7: “Mens beater.” Hopefully the one you purchase will not have been beaten into.
Photo 8: “Boy not included.” Thank god, because I prefer dirty hipster white MEN with dreads.
June 29, 2012 at 9:41 pm
Photo 4: Shields and Yarnell look great.
June 29, 2012 at 9:46 am
Jesus made me kosher!
Dr. Glickman made me top heavy!
June 29, 2012 at 9:47 am
The boob squish is to divert you from the fact that those pants are floods. Or gauchos. Either way, it’s a trick.
June 29, 2012 at 9:56 am
It’s a BOOBY TRAAAAAP!
June 29, 2012 at 8:07 pm
It’s a tarp!
June 29, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 29, 2012 at 9:47 am
i thought the beater was a jerk sock.
June 29, 2012 at 9:50 am
I thought it was a sock being worn by a jerk.
June 29, 2012 at 9:57 am
Does it come “Pre-Beaten”?
June 29, 2012 at 9:47 am
Two of those polka dots are waaaaay bigger than the rest.
June 29, 2012 at 9:48 am
I actually like the girl in the blue and white polka dot skirt.
June 29, 2012 at 9:56 am
Agreed. We need to see how it is removed. For science.
June 29, 2012 at 9:59 am
It might take all 3 of us to help pull the pants off the first model but Science demands it.
June 29, 2012 at 1:10 pm
Yes for science… I’m very up for playing doctor with a cute girl that’s a size 16….
for science.
June 29, 2012 at 9:42 pm
Me too. It is the one instance on this post where I’m not angry for her choice in “shirt”, just grateful.
June 29, 2012 at 9:48 am
Watch out for the cleavage hamster!
June 29, 2012 at 9:56 am
That “Scrapping Jock Swimsuit”- what are they selling there, exactly? Which one’s got a swimsuit on? Are they in a parking garage with “swimwear” on? That’s just a total clusterfuck to me.
June 29, 2012 at 10:20 am
I totally know the dude in that pic. I’m having a laugh.
June 29, 2012 at 10:37 am
I’m guessing he’s a Coffee Barista at some tragically hip cafe?
June 29, 2012 at 10:04 am
Sucks that tattoo boy shaves his chest. I know he’s showing off the ink, but furry guys make me happy. Also, on the last picture, I can’t tell if his lower bulge is head or sack… AND BELIEVE ME I’VE LOOKED!!!
June 29, 2012 at 10:15 am
That’s his weed stash.
June 29, 2012 at 10:06 am
I have no words, simply shock.
June 29, 2012 at 10:14 am
The “Black Cowl”- is that Elaine doing one of her Seinfeld bits?
June 29, 2012 at 10:18 am
Rock it this summer, indeed!
Mr. Poorly-Photoshopped Tattoo Guy just gave the term “wife beater” a whole new meaning.
June 29, 2012 at 10:23 am
mostly naked dirty hippy guy not included…damn, and my winnebago parking space has seemed so empty lately!
June 29, 2012 at 10:26 am
You could’ve learned some “Real Magick”!
June 29, 2012 at 10:27 am
…they all look the same. this one already has a basement.
June 29, 2012 at 10:30 am
…and a girlfriend to mooch off of.
June 29, 2012 at 10:25 am
when i read the title for the “men’s beater” I did not think “wife beater tank top”, I thought “men’s beater” must be a rag that men beat off into!
June 29, 2012 at 10:28 am
Like we buy special things just to beat off into?
June 29, 2012 at 11:20 am
Two words: Real. Dolls.
June 29, 2012 at 11:26 am
One word: Ewwwwww.
June 29, 2012 at 11:59 am
I think fleshlights are cheaper though.
June 29, 2012 at 11:56 am
I still think it is.
June 29, 2012 at 10:26 am
Aside from whether HK is using ‘jerk’ as a noun/verb/both, this whole collection is sooo the opposite of pornographic — what IS the arousal equivalent of anorexic/bulimic?
June 29, 2012 at 10:30 am
Out of all of these the only thing I find totally offensive in my own OCD little way is that the lacy top with the navy polka-dot skirt NEEDS TO BE EITHER WHITE OR NAVY GODDAMMIT! Or even red or peachy or coral – anything other than blackish brown. Well, not turquoise or dark purple either.
June 29, 2012 at 11:00 am
eh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
“Beater”.
June 29, 2012 at 12:17 pm
“…with my original nautical star and pistols design.”
I mean, I get it, white people love nautical stars and pistols, which I won’t even bother asking ‘why’ about…I mean, I’m not judging, or saying it’s dumb, but it is anything but original…
June 29, 2012 at 1:08 pm
I like to think of it as a Groom Beater. And the placement is very deceptive. If I hadn’t seen him wearing it for reals, I would have thought the logo was in the middle of the front, instead of on the lower side.
And…
GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!
June 29, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Regarding the “Scrapping Jock Swimsuit”. So. many. questions.
1. Are they in a parking garage?
2. If they are, why are they wearing swimsuits?
3. What the fuck is a “scrapping jock” with regards to swimsuits?
4. What the fuck are they doing? It looks like disco skating, but I don’t think either of them have skates on.
5. Are they both wearing the Scrapping Jock Swimsuit?
June 29, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Shields and Yarnell are still around?
June 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm
So I instantly recognized a female from one of these pictures… I’m working on the whole “So, you know what Regretsy is?” conversation. I can’t wait to tell her.
June 29, 2012 at 2:50 pm
This is a feature from a year ago. She probably already knows.
As I recall, the first photo got a response from the photographer, who let them use the pictures on Etsy in exchange for having a free model. The second photo got a response and everyone here over a size 14 ogled everything else she had in her shop.
June 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm
I don’t think she knows. It makes it that much more fun.
June 29, 2012 at 5:54 pm
It never fails. Every time I see a RHLS listing I gag. It’s involuntary.
June 29, 2012 at 7:17 pm
I hope the guy in the last pic is going on a separate auction, because UNF.
//yeah I’m into the weird geeky types
///explains my several dozen marriages
////have him bathed, shaved, and sent to my quarters!
June 30, 2012 at 12:18 am
“”Jesus made me kosher” is printed on t-shirt”
Um, no. No, it fucking isn’t. You are not Cafe Press. Photo of stock you have on hand or GTFO.
June 30, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Jesus made me Kosher… but my surgeon made me Halal.
June 30, 2012 at 6:45 pm
The important thing is they get to put a modeling gig on their resumé. ;p
July 2, 2012 at 4:51 am
This post brings back nightmares of the wino gang from “Theatre of Blood” – only there’s no Emma Peel and no critics willing to tell an aging Marky Mark to get his beige no-talent pig snout off the fucking stage.
July 7, 2012 at 5:39 pm
Last picture commentary:
Girl, “Oh? ..hi there… do you know where my shoes are?”
Boy, ” Just shhhhh and let me press my dong on your hip..”
August 20, 2012 at 11:24 pm
So I was really worried. the last girl looks STRIKINGLY like my older sister. I literally looked up the seller to be sure they arent from anywhere near us. I would laugh for years.