I don’t remember my fist communion, but I had a few drinks to loosen up first.
Maybe the crotched doll is one of those therapy dolls? You know, like, “show me on the doll where the bad man touched you?”
I’d like my doll to be crotched!
I wish more dolls were crotched. Ken’s been smooth for far too long. Men have dicks, Mattel. Even kids know it. You can admit it now.
You can kind of get away with it on female dolls, since vaginas don’t really look like much when you’re standing. But boys…they know what that shit looks like.
I don’t know if Mattel wants the pressure of deciding whether Ken dresses left or not.
They made the “Billy” and “Carlos” dolls for just that purpose. Of course they weren’t so much “anatomically correct” as “anatomically exaggerated”
It was during my fist communion
Or like that My Little Pony doll…
crotched – that might explain the “who goosed me???” look in her eyes.
I would like to buy it, if they eyes did light up like that. And then I would use her as a bog roll cozy.
That thing will certainly bring back memories I’m not sure I ever had when I see it in my nightmares tonight.
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he touched me in my fist holy communion!
Is she any relation to the camoflage toilet paper cozy? Or is this her “before” photo before she joined some crazy survivalist cult. I like my crotched dolls to have a backstory.
I have been marathoning Ghost Stories, an anime in which the English dubbing team thought “Oh hell with it” and ditched the Japanese script. Anime Scooby Doo South Park is the result.
That doll is definitely one of the ghosts in the old schoolhouse. The girl obsessed with jesus will be like “Oh, I hope she was saved.” and the main character’s incoherent brother will be all “AKIAJHDKJHKJDSFL” and the demon possessed cat will verbally insult the lot of them and then the doll will become self-aware and lunge at them.
The Fist Communion is always the Best.
“Fist Communion: UNCUT”. And probably a director’s edition too.
OHHhhhh! I was imagining it was a coded personals ad for someone with a foreskin and a stretchy anus.
I just converted and I can tell you there were no fists involved in my first communion…
….or maybe there was. I dunno. Easter Vigil is long and after baptism I tuned out.
Maybe the earrings are made of some sort of new material called honer.
Well, they’re reserved for TANYA so you’ll never know!!!
What is going on in the description of the “unks” one? Why is there a floating hairbrush and trick coin in the picture? Am I missing something?
I guess she wants to take that with her into the afterlife. You know how important that and Roman columns were to the Egyptians.
I think the “J” for the front of that word must have floated off.
I’m gonna be saying “jonk” for the rest of the day!
That entire picture is just a bunch of random shit photoshopped together.
As far as I can guess, the brush is floating in the purple smoke coming from the cigarette moving through the trick coin. Don’t ask me about the pillars, or why the girl is weirdly hunched with her head at a weird angle and her arms pulled back. Maybe she’s got Scoliosis.
OMG, she’s like totally going into the new Illuminati Chic trend with creepy eyes, Egyptian symbols, and Greek architecture. It’s what all the Pop stars are doing, geez!
Wait—there’s a NEW Illuminati? NOBODY TOLD ME! Oh, of course they didn’t. They don’t want me to know. And here I thought the Bilderberg Group was really running things. Oh, why did I fall for such obvious misinformation? I thought I knew the real truth, but I didn’t.
*shuffles off to dismantle post-apocalyptic shelter…takes off aluminum foil hat…withers in shame in the glare of the cat’s scorn*
Don’t worry, Mugsy. The New Iluminati is just the Old Iluminati trying to be “hip” and “relevant.”. And that tin foil hat will come back into fashion any day now!
Thank you, Rhapsody98! I was so worried that I’d missed the special radio broadcast sent through my potted palm.
Nope. They’re wearing tin foil cowls now.
What, Kabbalah isn’t the thing any more?
it’s what happens at a Pagan Bat-Mitzvah.
What happens at Pagan Bat-Mitzvahs stays at Pagan Bat-Mitzvahs.
I’m thinking a Red Bull-meth cocktail.
The seller is attempting to sell the contents of their computer’s clipboard.
The trick is to pair your unks with ahggs on your feet, that’s how you look super stylish.
Can’t sleep. crotched doll will eat me.
With her teethed crotch.
I like how the fist communion pattern clearly has a price on the front, but the seller marked it up to twice as much.
I’m not surprised. I just like it. You have to respect that kind of stupid.
It’s been a long time since patterns were $2.50.
True, but thrift stores have vintage patterns, too, and don’t usually double the cover price.
But it’s vintage! Clearly it must be worth ten times as much!!!
Oh. I thought that you had to tag it for it to count. Just assuming that your junk’s old as hell won’t earn you my five dollars. Gotta prove it.
Which, incidentally, is probably being said right now at the strip joint just down the road. Saw what looked like my grandma going in there, if my grandma still wore glitter and fuck-me heels.
I thought all grandmas dressed like that.
It used to be for special occasions, but now that we have to remind her where she is, it’s just not as funny.
Or maybe funnier. I can’t remember the difference.
Yes, and it is so hard to find patterns for fisting wear that you have to mark it up for the rareness factor.
Most people settle for hand-me-downs.
I had to settle for fuck-me-ups.
omg where is the multiple Thumbs Up button. I wore fuck-me-ups all through grad school thanks to a well intentioned relative who couldn’t sew a straight line
I’m picturing a giant santorum stain from all the fisting. That could increase the price if it’s heart shaped at all though! – wait, that was placenta stain. Maybe there’s a market for santorum based art right now though, y’know, as “memorabilia of the USA 2012 Primaries”.
Was I vague?
I meant if you take leeloo’s comment literally, as in, about second hand fisting wear.
by the way, I see what you did there and I like it…
hand me down ~~ a hand down me
A pattern like that would cost about $15 now. At $5 the buyer will be getting a bargain.
Not really. No one who sews actually pays full price for patterns. They are always permanently on sale for 40-50% off the price printed on the cover, no matter where you go.
On top of that, Simplicity Patterns regularly go on sale for 99 cents each at places like Joannes.
I think the most I ever paid for a Simplicity Pattern was $1.99, and I own a LOT of Simplicity Patterns…
gettin’ to know each other now!
Doesn’t the white “fist communion” dress remind you of Manos: The Hands of Fate?”
YES! The end scene, where the little girl joined the wives…yikes. Hey, do you know about Rifftrax? It’s MST3K’s next generation and they are riffing on Manos live in your local movie theater this August!
“Manos: the hands OF fate” … [more car driving] … Manos: THE hands of FATE!” … [more car driving] …
I thought Cinematic Titanic was the next generation.
Good stuff either way.
It’s both – Rifftrax is Mike Nelson Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy; Cinematic Titanic is pretty much the rest – Mary Jo, Joel, Trace, Frank, and Josh
I’m a Joel girl, myself. Got to see CT in person and they were great! I highly recommend.
I liked Joel more after seeing CT live; on MST3K his sleepy/stoned personality made it hard to stay awake through the show [didn't help that the show started at midnight], so I liked Mike more. My wife thinks Mike is *so* adorable.
I liked Joel better than Mike, I think it was just because I saw him first on MST3k as a kid… Mike kinda grew on me though.
I’m definitely a “Mike” girl– he’s way more wise-ass; same reason I like you fuckers so much…
I like Joel better than Mike, too – but Mike was always there, writing, wasn’t he?
(Actually my faves are Crow T Robot and Tom Servo)
I knew Joel years ago in Minneapolis and he’s as sweet as he seems.
I haven’t gotten to see CT – if they would come to my area, or do the movie theater broadcast thing, I would. But Rifftrax live is awesome. Can’t wait for the new take on Manos.
I really hope they can do it with the pristine print of Manos that a goon on SomethingAwful found. If not this time around, than the next. It needs to be seen and mocked in all its horrific glory.
I KNOW! I’m so excited!!
Since primitives can’t spell, that kinda makes sense.
It’s not like it says “Intellactuals”
Oh don’t be so mean, y’all! It’s a l’il ‘ole piece of rustic folk art! They prolly ‘tended fer the spellin’ on that big city word to be all crazy-like on accounta how PRIMATIVE that folk art medium is.
Fuck, that was hard to type! Actually I have trouble looking at wood burnings now ’cause they make me think of the Stan learns how to masterbate episode of American Dad…
I thought they were talking about monkeys that liked to be secretive.
I think perhaps “crotched” is a description of the doll’s past usage, which would probably explain the expression on her face.
And here I thought that all croteched dolls were inflatable; I’m always learning something new on Regretsy.
I’m not sure why that didn’t work. It showed up in the preview. Anyway, here’s the link just in case it doesn’t show up again: http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/kitcameo/DOLL.jpg
And someone changed the size of the smell, which explains the even-more-horrified look on her face.
That’s not the first time I’ve seen someone call a five-pointed star a Star of David.
Horribly/hilariously, whoever did the flower arrangement for my great-uncle’s funeral made that very mistake…
David was the guy that artist met on Craigslist – the one with the guitar and the side-mounted junk.
and wanted to park his van in your driveway in exchange for lessons on magick
I mean, really, I get where we have horns, but that doesn’t make us *pagans*.
It’s a badly circumcised Mogen David.
No, you have to proclaim yourself to now be Jewitch to be really Pagan…
The worst (or best) thing about it is that in the description she has three paragraphs detailing the symbolism of the “six points” and “two overlapping triangles”. So she may have gotten a sale from some poor ignorant gentile for his boss’s kid’s bat mitzvah until she exposed herself as one.
Ahh, she changed it!
I’m still trying to sort out how the star could be “surrounded” by two crystals. Can two things actually surround another thing?
Only if they’re zooming in orbit of it, like protons.
Awwwww, come on. It’s close enough – star of David, pentacle, cross – they’re all religious, and they all have lines. That’s good enough, right? I mean, nobody takes the symbolism of their religion or *their entire people* seriously – sheesh.
It’s clearly a very spiritual piece. Look at that rock with a Chinese character on it! This is meaning that transcends the separations between religions.
If I received this as a Bat Mitzvah gift I would wonder why the giver thinks I’m a heavy metal fan
The crotched doll one reminds me of a book shop in my town where one of the sales assistance got really bored one day and put all the price labels over part of the word crochet. I remember seeing books like “Croch Today” and “Modern Croch” and “Croch Project” and my personal favourite “Croch for Beginners”
Please to stop worry over spell of “assistance” and “assistants”.
Please to give thumbs down for to make my mouth laughter time.
It is OK causc we are all FJLs here.
Very well, I shall do so immediately!
Done. Your turn.
Too late. I totes thumbs up’d your comments. BECAUSE I’M COOL LIKE THAT.
Awesome!! Are we friends now? If I needed you, could I rely on your assistants?
Sure, lets be friends. What can I assist you with? Don’t ask me to help you with your spelling and grammar though, mine isn’t very good.
@Datura We can always ask one of those people listed above. Not so sure they’d be of any use though. DAMMIT. We’re screwed.
Honey the whole world is screwed. The best you can do is pour yourself a drink, troll everyone you can and watch the carnage unfold in comfort.
We’re all trolls. Happy trolls.
Maybe the crotched doll’s eyes are so big because she’d just had her fist communion. I love that the doll’s seller was “misssweatheart”.
Ah, but now it seems to be no sweat — although the shop isn’t closed, there’s no there there anymore.
However… one day I didn’t turn of the teevee after catching the morning news and Rachel Ray had some fashion “expert” on doing makeovers; except the “fashion expert” kept saying how flattering an “umpire waist” was on one of her victims.
Did someone in the audience stand up and scream “Strike 3, yerrrrrr out!”? Probably not, but it would have been cool.
I work remote construction sites so they keep us in “camp” which is like a bad orphanage. Anyway, the soup tureen was labelled one day as “Beef Sweat and Sour”
The fact that they’d clearly just watered down the previous night’s Chinese food and called it soup was gag-inducing, but the idea that they’d used cattle sweat instead of water to do so really put a smile on my face. Not just fresh beef sweat either- SOUR beef sweat!
quisque scit, dicitur “primatius”
Stop worry about your phone to be steal. Our cover phone make you safe no burglar to waist time for back cover and makes disgust at cover which is in color pink very ugly.
The English teacher in me just cringed.
This is for good.
Words good we got down pretty, next invent should we syntax!
This made more sense.
But then, I’m on my third strong ale and I’m used to conversing with Chinese people with lousy English skills
High fives all around.
I seriously want to slowly twist and remove the fingers of Unicode abusers like “unk”.
I think the “nickelodeon” one was intentional – read the last line of the listing.
Maybe they should put an unk on it.
If it’s misspelled it’s not illegal!
No law against stupid huh?
I really lame attempt at avoiding copyright infringement.
I really lame that, too.
I’m suspicious that they couldn’t even show a real sample shirt. If I wanted to take it on faith that I’ll get the copyrighted design I want on a virtual teeshirt, I’ll go to CafePress.
But it’s on wood; that makes it legit. Granted, it’s not barnwood, but that kind of quality will cost you the big bucks.
I am 37 years old. I haven’t seen an episode of MASH since I was in grade school at my grandparent’s house. Yet I’m proud that I got that one right away.
I still don’t get it!!!
The MASH unit was the 4077, not the 10477. They’d say it in the show all the time “Four-Oh-Seven-Seven”
The Unk seller must have just had their fist communion because all their listings say “ooOwowWOW” and have cartoon style curse words in them.
Misspelled knock off in MS paint on barnwood. What level of fuckery is that?
I’m not even sure that qualifies as barnwood, which I think of as weathered, and as solid wood. That looks more like a big ol’ sheet of plywood to me.
I thought the “primatives” one was a play on words. [prima]tes + primi[tives] = primatives
That must be it!
Intentional or not, this is actually what I thought of when I saw this sign. Lawd knows I’ve worked with an unfair share of “primatives” in my day!
That M*A*S*H one would have been pretty cool if they had gotten it right.
4077 was it? It’s been a while, but…
I literally LOL’d at the Nickelodeon shirt…it’s not even a picture of an actual shirt! At least have the decency to show what you’re selling, spelling errors or not!
yeah, things really aren’t what they seem
But there’s only one available!
That girl is much too young for a fist communion.
Not according to Pedobear.
I’m slow today. I didn’t catch that the primative sign was a spelling error. I thought the Derp was that the P is in a different font.
I would actually wear a shirt that says, “Nikcelodoen” for the same reason I wear a shirt that says, “Mexico – America’s Friendly Neighbor from the North”
So the mash one is wrong bc of the number? also, now the theme song from mash is playing in my head…just youtubed it and did you guise know that song is entitled “suicide is painless” ?! http://youtu.be/4gO7uemm6Yo
Yes. “…and I can take or leave it, as I please!”
♫ The game of life is hard to play.
I’m gonna lose it anyway.
The losing cards I’ll someday lay
And this is all I have to say.
‘Cause suicide is painless.
It brings on many changes…♫
I’m not going to get the fruit! there’s a ghost right there…
hehe drunk Stewie
Those verses just get sadder, creepier, and cooler too, don’t they?
People can keep their non-song theme songs. Give me an instrumental version of a four verse song with great lyrics any day.
My high school song was set to the same music…
Good Lord! Ankh, Ankh!
Quick! Heykid is making choking sounds–who knows the Heimlich???
Or the Heimfist – anyone know that?!?
I’m a little too hamfisted to attempt that maneuver.
Unfortunately your efforts were futile. I have suffered irreparable brain damage due to the “derpiness” of this post. Thanks for trying dudes…
At least the person selling the shorts spelled “high waisted” correctly??
Judging by the purple haze and floating hairbrush, it looks like “waisted” is NOT spelled correctly.
I need to tag everything as #HAPPY #UNHAPPY from now on…
That’s one way to avoid being sued for copyright infringement by Nickelodeon!
Obviously Popeye is the shop owner on that iPhone case.
That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a while!
Somebody monkeyed around with that “Primatives” sign
The devil is having a yard sale?!?
From their profile:
“FUN TIME 90S SEAPUNK TEEN MALL GOTH WITCH KAWAII THUG LUVIN COLLECTION CURATED BY DANE RICHARDS EDITED BY DANE RICHARDS AND FRIENDS: AARON KOLFAGE (TOP8) FRENCOIS PISAPIA (YARD666SALE)”
“Kawaii” and “thug luvin” are words I never thought to see next to each other. Only a matter of time before gansta rappers start sporting Hello Kitty hoodies.
If they haven’t already.
Also, seapunk? The hell? I had to look that shit up:
“Sprouting from the digital petri dish of social networking, seapunk is a whimsical style that mashes together cartoonish aquatic themes, rave culture and a nostalgia for ’90s Internet imagery.” (according to NYtimes.com)
Whimsical. Oh dear lord.
’90s Internet imagery. OH DEAR LORD.
I figured out the i-phone cover. It should read “Keep Calm, Cossacks. I’m Sexy!” It’s marketing for specific slavic ethnocultural groups. It is almost as popular as “Keep Calm and also Chechnya”
I keep expecting any day now to see a revival of Shakespeare’s most obscure play “Chernobyl Kinsman.”
It may not be a Star of David, but I’d wear a pentagram with jewelly bits. It’d make a fine present for anyone attending UU in Unk-Morpork. They can even bring along the Primatives sign as a gift for the Librarian.
I wish I could give more thumbs up for the Discworld reference!
And bananas. Lots of bananas for the Librarian.
If its in Unk-Morpork, then don’t you need the Unk shorts to wear there?
These tears of laughter could not have come at a better time as I felt my contacts were just dry enough to fall out.
I gotta say, with all the “666″ used as spaces, I was expecting much darker photoshoping than a hairbrush. Maybe in hell you have knotted hair and no brushes?
remember, the devil’s primary weapon is confusion!
I need glasses. I real “the devil’s primary weapon is contusion.”
This is why I have “undo” enabled for g-mail. I think there is a part of the brain that only kicks in once I’ve clicked the button to post something. You know, just in time to induce a nice sinking feeling and a slow-motion “nooooooo….”
I also don’t recall my fist communion. However, I do remember my fist reunion.
…I’ll be in my bunk.
Wow I just checked out Unk girls store… someone needs to lay off the MDMA and Ketamine
The obligatory Blingee:
That Nickelodeon shirt is the biggest fail for me, because the shirt isn’t orange.
I am so happy that the crotched doll I posted on the Regretsy FB wall made it here! Now she can haunt ALL of your dreams!
Yeah. Thanks. I’ll be haunting yours. After I wake up screaming.
I love how her expression seems like a reaction to having been labelled “crotched”… she’s thinking,”WHAT are you planning to do do my WHAT?!”
I remember my fist communion. The ceremony was painful, but the party and gifts were out of this world.
Can’t sleep. Doll will eat me…
The pattern envelope says $2.50.
Why would you buy a used pattern for $5 on Etsy when you could get the same one at the store for $2.50?
Because it’s a vintage pattern and probably not sold anymore. $2.50 is the original price.
I think the Nickelodeon one is intentionally misspelled in an attempt to avoid trademark problems.
Too bad it introduces the “I’m a dumb shit” problem.
Finally, a Simplicity pattern with appeal for both Christians and Muslims.
Finally, something I submitted made it on here! W00t!
Lovely items misspellings!
just checked out “unk” girls page – Soooo I guess if I go yard sale shopping and put “90′s” in front of everything I buy I can sell it on Etsy and call it vintage?
Doesn’t really have to do with the posting but that kanji means “British” or “Britain” not courage. Although what any of those things necessarily have to do with a Bar Mitzvah is beyond me.
We all know British is simply slang for courage. Clearly not a mistake.
All I can think of is “The Critic” when Margo’s going to her cotillion and the dress maker asks, “white white or hussy white”. She replies, “white white, except for the gloves”.
Maybe it was really her fist communion?
That’s ok. My dad always thought my pentagram was Star of David, too.
Before I even read the listing information for the M*A*S*H one I stared at it and was really confused. And then I thought, “Hey, maybe they just really liked oldschool wars and wanted to give a nod to the real MASH units out there.” And then I read the listing. I should have just ignored it. I kinda want to make that sign now, though. Only with the right numbers.
Um, I think that’s my actual First Communion dress. I didn’t realize it came from a pattern. As for my Fist Communion dress, that came from Filene’s at a real bargain mark-down of just $18, and I wore it to a semi-formal. That was a memorable limo ride…(I hope my mother doesn’t read this website.)
I will be seeing that doll in my nightmares.
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