More Noncycling
non·cy·cle [non-sahy-kuhl]
1. To take a piece of garbage and turn it into a different piece of garbage
2. To take an object that still has some useful purpose and turn it into a piece of garbage
“Mary stopped Jim from discarding the expired air-fresheners so she could noncycle them into an instant collection.”
Synonyms: Lateral Recycling, Garbage Shuffling, Etsy Inventory
June 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm
As a record collector, the last one makes me want to cut a bitch.
June 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Not a record collector, but I had the exact same bitch-cutting impulse at the last one.
June 19, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Same. Who thinks “Oh hey, I have this rare item collectors might want. BETTER GET OUT THE HOT GLUE GUN AND TURN THAT SUCKER INTO AN UGLY, USELESS KNICK-KNACK”
June 19, 2012 at 5:04 pm
You obviously don’t understand the etsyian creative process. It’s creamy so it must be made into crap!
June 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm
people who make those “chic” bowls from records make me want to make a bowl out of them
June 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm
you mean chip bowls, right?
June 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm
Chip and dip. You know for sure you have the dip part taken care of.
June 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm
I bought two of those vinyl record chip bowls when I was having a manic episode. True story.
June 19, 2012 at 8:51 pm
You got off lightly. I once bought an RV during a manic episode… and not a nice new one neither!
June 19, 2012 at 7:00 pm
In all fairness, it depends on the record. I remember some albums from my childhood back in the 70s that really would be better off as chip bowls than being actually listened to.
June 20, 2012 at 4:36 am
I remember melting the grooves on “Leonard Nimoy Sings The Songs Of Star Trek” in college as a favor to humanity. We did it with one of those 1970′s high-intensity lamps.
And there was much rejoicing.
I regret it now, actually, because that album would likely pay for my daughter’s college tuition for a semester.
June 20, 2012 at 4:56 am
So I take it she goes to Community College?
June 20, 2012 at 9:27 am
And I would have been the one to buy it from you.
June 20, 2012 at 10:32 am
My hubby still has a copy of that, and he’s proud of the fact.
June 20, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Unless it’s Frampton Comes Alive or anything involving Soft Christmas Hits of the 1970s. I can give them a pass there.
June 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm
I agree. That record didn’t deserve that.
June 20, 2012 at 8:43 am
Now, if it was a Creed or Maroon 5 album, I could see doing that to it.
June 20, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Yeah, about that.
Where the heck do hipsters BUY vinyl versions of contemporary albums? I live in a hipster-intensive area and have noted that new record players can even be purchased at Target now, but I still have no idea.
June 20, 2012 at 11:06 pm
The used record shop I used to go to in Toledo would order in new pressings as well. This was around 2000 and there weren’t as many acts producing them as there probably are now, so it didn’t take up much space. A lot of local(ish) hiphop and rap acts made pressings, too, I’m guessing in the hopes that DJs would come in looking for old records to scratch and give the new guys a listen.
Sometimes the bands, themselves will sell the new vinyl from their website stores. When I last noticed, they were usually [to varying degrees] more expensive than CDs and billed as “collector editions”.
June 21, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Oh, interesting. Good to know.
June 19, 2012 at 7:05 pm
that guy? he’s sold twenty five [25] of them.
theres not one single solitary & thoroughly damned thing i can say after that.
June 19, 2012 at 8:07 pm
You really have to wonder if the seller’s family makes sure they get purchased so that the “artist” won’t have a reason to leave the house.
I wish my family would do that.
June 19, 2012 at 8:19 pm
out of all the stuff i’ve seen here–up to & including the thirty thousand dollar sperm colored glasses [my favorite thing cos clearly she deserves the money for discovering a brand new color. anyway]–out of all of the stuff i’ve seen both here & there, regretsy & etsy, the number of, oh hell of heavens, the number of those he’s sold is what astounds me the most. w o w
June 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Some people see everything through sperm-colored glasses. But not me.
June 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm
My best friend is a Desmond Child rarity collector. I CRINGED when I saw that. I hope she never sees it. She would cry.
June 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm
I was thinking the same thing: Why would you do such a thing to rare purple vinyl?
June 20, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Because they’re a fucking idiot?
June 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm
McKenzie G looks like she woke up in a dumpster.
June 20, 2012 at 11:12 pm
Tsk. There’s just so little appreciation for the “passed out drunk at friend’s house, garbage stuck to me as I slept, and now trying to walk home nonchalantly” look.
June 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm
The ketchup bottle wrapped in pages from a botany dictionary hurts my soul.
I need more Captain now.
June 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Ditch the Captain and get acquainted with Sailor Jerry. A bit more expensive but you’re worth it.
June 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Plus then you can re-use the bottle by decoupaging the shit out of it with old tattoo prints.
June 19, 2012 at 8:20 pm
or, if you really get burnt out on everything, you can cut off pieces of yr own skin & decoupage it w/ that.
June 20, 2012 at 4:12 am
Please, please, please, please don’t give the cupcakes any ideas.
June 19, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Ships free to US and Canada> Great, now we’ll be going to war with Canada; even mild mannered Canadians can be pushed only so far.
June 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Pretend it’s a picture of a tampon unfurling.
June 19, 2012 at 4:35 pm
I might need a coke can for scale on that flower pull ring. Holy bejeesus that’s huge! Of course, the can has probably been upcycled already into a hat or something.
June 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm
I would buy the ring so I could walk around all day asking people to pull my finger. Or finger my pull.
June 20, 2012 at 5:55 am
…until the poorly-crafted leather band broke under the weight of the knob!
(and that screw? Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!!)
June 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm
I kept reading it as pull my finger, too. Plus – how frigging big is that thing? Your hand would be dragging on the floor.
June 19, 2012 at 8:29 pm
The leather is sewn with recycled thread. …..I’m not so sure I want to know where the thread came from.
June 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm
derelicte!
June 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Hansel is so hot right now. Also, that first one was so Etsy or Regretsy? I could almost weep for the loss of convoluted reasoning behind the guesses people would have made. Woe. (Not that it would have been that hard to guess. April would have skipped the Coke and used a Jack bottle.)
June 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm
It took me a good 60 seconds to realize that we *weren’t* playing Etsy or Regretsy today.
June 19, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Sometimes it takes even longer. At least the acceptance of it does. Then it’s sad.
June 19, 2012 at 8:37 pm
I was so certain the ketchup bottle was April…
June 19, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I can derelicte my own balls, thank you
and I’m not your bra
June 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm
I really hate it when people mess up a perfectly good record….LOL
June 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Fuck that, I need it all.
June 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm
I spent years volunteering at a recycling center. Little did I know that precious gems just waiting to be noncycled were at my fingertips. Usually covered in something gross, but that would just add to the charm, I’m sure.
June 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm
You say “something gross”, I say “unique patina”.
June 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Or “farmhouse chic”.
June 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm
First one brings new meaning to bowhead.
June 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm
“8 out of 10 plastic bottles go to the landfill!” Leaving only 1 of 10 for crappy Etsy projects, and 1 of 10 for homemade sex toys.
June 20, 2012 at 9:11 am
And the other 2 end up there anyway, no matter what piece of crap art project you temporarily turn them into.
June 20, 2012 at 10:12 am
Don’t forget bongs.
June 20, 2012 at 8:03 pm
That sounds deeply hazardous.
Not as much as the cow heart + car battery idea that keeps earning people Darwin awards, but still.
June 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Are you sure it’s just your love that is insane?
June 20, 2012 at 4:30 am
Profile statement–
“I love records! I love collecting! And I love mixing it up! I carefully research my music art projects for the enjoyment of all music fans”
So, no; there’s alot of insanity going on there…
June 20, 2012 at 5:01 am
“I love exclamation marks! They emphasize the crazy! I love mixing up my meds! I carefully research my insane sculptures for the enjoyment of Alzheimer’s patients!”
June 20, 2012 at 8:05 pm
I about fell out of my vintage computer chair with authentic cat hairs again.
Thanks for that laugh.
June 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Most of this is absolute literal trash… except the cork cake toppers. Not to my taste for a wedding, but they’re cute, and took some thought and skill to make.
June 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm
It took me forever to realize they were corks. They look like they’re made of some kind of pulverized tinned meat byproduct.
June 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Usually people vow off of spam.
Here, spam is taking a vow. I hope it’s sincere and not some kind of spam sham wedding.
June 19, 2012 at 5:14 pm
At first I thought it was Ham Solo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVrIyEu6h_E
June 19, 2012 at 5:30 pm
I spent a portion of my life that I’ll never get back trying to figure out why the cake toppers had heads made of canned tuna
June 20, 2012 at 4:39 am
Hey, if the seller can figure out how to make the clothes out of edible materials, there is a whole new hors d’oevre category out there: Edible People That Resemble A Trademarked Plastic Toy (LEGO)
June 19, 2012 at 5:17 pm
If the bride and groom were turds.
June 20, 2012 at 11:07 am
…with Elvis hairdos. Maybe they are turds what done him in?
June 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm
I agree, the actual work put into outfitting them is good. But why corks? It took me a good, close look to realize they weren’t made of slabs of spoiled SPAM.
June 19, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Can you think of a better tipper for alcoholic couples?
June 19, 2012 at 7:14 pm
“topper” dammit!
June 19, 2012 at 7:38 pm
Oh, just settle on “toper.”
June 20, 2012 at 8:10 am
I wish I could.
June 20, 2012 at 5:11 am
I was staring at them for a while trying to figure out what they were made from also. I was also thinking cat food or some other canned meat product.
June 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm
Ahh thank you! I could not for the life of me figure out what the hell those things were made of.
June 19, 2012 at 6:51 pm
CORK!!!! Jeezus fuggin Christ!! I would never have gotten that from the picture! I would have stared at it for an hour!
I thought it was Whiskas, or Fancy Feast, molded to look nothing like a bride and groom.
June 20, 2012 at 6:50 am
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought pet food at that one…
June 20, 2012 at 8:44 am
Yeah, my first thought was cat food too.
June 20, 2012 at 11:34 pm
I knew they were champagne corks only because I drink gran spumante every chance I get on special occasions and save the corks to write the date and event on them. Mostly New Years Eves.
What worries me, though, is that corks actually used for champagne do not come out clean. They’ve been soaking in champagne for a long time, and 1) a recycled cork is going to leave a funny vaguely-musty-alcoholish smell and taste in the cake frosting (used champagne corks also bell out at the bottom, which appears to be happening to the bride, but the groom’s tube suit may be hiding it,) 2) they’ve been bleached and that’s going to lead to a whole other taste sensation, or 3) the corks are actually new and not “repurposed” at all. Option 3 is too scandalous for etsy to be considered, so…
June 20, 2012 at 11:34 pm
One day, I’ll remember the difference between strikethrough and italics code, but obviously not today.
June 19, 2012 at 6:49 pm
I think they are cute, too. I’m not sure they would be appropriate for most weddings, but decent work went into them.
If they were just little cork dolls without the wedding cake attachment I’d think they were fine.
June 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm
I thought they were cute, too. I wouldn’t want them on my cake, but I think they’d be adorable as a favor or decoration.
June 20, 2012 at 8:07 am
Okay, I think I’ve figured it out. The corks are from Champagne bottles. Therefore invoking the celebratory something-or-otherness of weddings and bringing the magic, sorry, magik of all weddings into yours…
On second thought, I may need to drink more and then re-examine this
June 20, 2012 at 9:25 am
Thank you for identifying the cake toppers as cork. All I could see was pet food no matter how much I squinted.
June 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm
… I like Cork Groom.
June 19, 2012 at 4:49 pm
Do you like $20 worth of him? Because that’s some bullshit right there.
June 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm
I like it as much as I like the TP Monster I made and I couldn’t give that away.
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/196212_10150202431319115_2376311_n.jpg
June 19, 2012 at 8:34 pm
That made me giggle like a hyena!
June 19, 2012 at 8:47 pm
I can’t stop laughing, either!
June 20, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Add me to the list, too. That thing is awesome! It even comes with with its own flowers… FOR YOUR GRAVE.
June 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm
It’s not “up-cycled” because it hasn’t been used. Think of all the valuable crafting supplies that just get flushed down the toilet!
Add a big brown spot and then we’ll talk.
August 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm
I’d give you $40 for that.
June 19, 2012 at 7:02 pm
Someone made me a bride and groom out of a set of salt and pepper shakers as a wedding shower present. They were adorable. Now they are nudists. Who hold my salt and pepper.
June 19, 2012 at 8:57 pm
But what were their wedding colors?
June 20, 2012 at 8:05 am
Me too. He’s WAY cooler looking than that bitch he’s standing next to. She looks ridiculous.
June 20, 2012 at 8:16 am
Again with the post going in the wrong place….what’s going on with this site?
June 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm
The seller of the cake toppers is using an unusual tense I’m sure I could name if I wasnt in a sugar coma right now.
“The bride was going to have an updo,” as if her original product went terribly wrong and well, here’s this bullshit I’m trying to sell, please buy it.
June 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm
ah shit, spoke too soon. im an idiot guys.
June 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm
It took me FOREVER to figure this out, but I think she’s saying that she made them specifically for a bride who was going to wear an updo for her ceremony, and so the little cork cake bride has one, too. At least, I think?….I’m way too sober for this.
June 19, 2012 at 8:58 pm
I think you’re right. And here I was thinking that the seller thought they were a real bride and groom!
June 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm
She’s got a lot of nerve…she was already trying to sell us cork people wedding cake toppers and now she tells us these aren’t even the GOOD cork people wedding cake toppers.
June 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm
I think the mixed up tenses answers the question of where the two corks came from.
June 19, 2012 at 5:55 pm
when a mommy and a daddy cork love each other very much, they get married. and then baby corks grow in the mommy cork’s belly
June 19, 2012 at 6:56 pm
all because mommy cork refused to be a cork soaker…
June 19, 2012 at 7:01 pm
I’m sorry, I mean
“baby corks would have been going to grow in”
this passive-aggressive past tense is difficult.
June 19, 2012 at 4:57 pm
She used a sort of passive-aggressive past tense, I think. But she has left so very much unsaid. If all she said was what was supposed to happen, THEN WHAT DID? I’m getting sick of these cliffhangers.
More rum, dammit.
June 19, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Conditional perfect progressive.
But I like “passive-aggressive past tense” better.
June 19, 2012 at 5:58 pm
No, actually I think it’s past progressive, on second thoughts.
MOAR BOOZE. Need to catch up, it’s early yet here in the land of Sun, Palms and False Values.
June 19, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Miami!
June 20, 2012 at 2:57 am
No, the other one.
June 20, 2012 at 4:41 am
past-agressive tense?
June 19, 2012 at 6:57 pm
I was thinking that the couple she made them for didn’t end up getting married.
June 19, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Too bad that the hobo wedding is over – these would have been perfect.
June 20, 2012 at 9:28 am
I was thinking the couple she made them for took one look and bought a mass-produced wedding topper at Michael’s instead.
June 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Yep. A lot of the cake toppers I’ve seen on Etsy make me think, “Disposable plastic FTW.”
There’s a point where you’re using these materials because they give the look you want, and a point where you don’t have the ability to do what you really wanted so you settled for crap.
June 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, but I would probably wear that flower pull ring. It’s kind of wild.
The dictionary pages and the record, however? That hurts me. Right in the heart.
June 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I thought the same thing about the ring. I’d also like to have it handy to punch people with. It puts the fun in functional!
June 20, 2012 at 4:15 am
Excellent “Knuckle Sandwich” weapon…
June 20, 2012 at 10:52 am
Nothing says, “Pull my finger” like a flower pull ring. Make sure to fart only rose scent, though.
June 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm
My brother tells my neices that his farts smell like petunias and begonias. This might aid and abet him with his pull-my-finger jokes.
I come from a classy family.
June 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm
the ketchup bottle one is killing me. I would expect more from my 10 year old grandson to give to my daughter on Mothers Day.
June 19, 2012 at 7:04 pm
THAT’S a ketchup bottle??? *blink*blink*blink*
I was sure it was a very high-end vase!
If you act now, she’ll throw in a GORGEOUS napkin holder made out of an empty Clorox container. You’d NEVER know it, though- it’s stunning.
June 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm
That giant ring is as beautiful as it is practical.
June 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I would seriously give myself a concussion if I wore that. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gouged my own face with my wedding ring. Which is tiny. To avoid doing just that.
June 20, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Maybe you shouldn’t facepalm so hard?
June 20, 2012 at 8:25 pm
I mean, I know Etsy can do that to a person.
June 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Also, recycled screw through the leather, just for that extra tetanus touch.
June 20, 2012 at 6:11 am
Plus pain from that rounded screw head. Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!!
June 19, 2012 at 4:52 pm
Makes “pull my finger” a lot easier, though.
June 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm
It would cause a lot of surprise games since the ring would probably catch on people’s clothing, backpacks, closing doors, etc…
June 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I have the strangest urge to go and play Katamari Damacy.
June 19, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Na naaa, na na-na na na na na, na na na na-na na. Na naaa, na na-na na na na na, Katamari Damacy.
Fuck! Now that song is going to be in my head for a good week.
June 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Why noncycle when you could make a ROYAL RAINBOW?
June 19, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Aw man, HTML is hard when you’re drunk. Have a link, instead!
http://tinypic.com/r/1zl9hxz/6
June 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm
When I was about four I made my Dad a “tie” out of a net fruit bag. He said he kept it at the office for special meetings. It was a pretty good tie….for a preschooler.
For a minute I thought the bride and groom were made out of tuna fish. This seemed like it would be rather disgusting on top of a wedding cake. Unless you’re a cat.
June 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm
I couldn’t tell what they were, either. They looked like deviled ham or something.
June 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Jesus Christ! I thought this was an Etsy or Regretsy post!. People be makin’ shit, shittier.
June 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm
“Rare rich creamy”
All I need is steam punk and I’d have Etsy-o, damnit!
June 20, 2012 at 9:00 am
“Rare rich creamy” describes the Steak Milkshake I had recently. It was like a creamy beefsplosion in my mouth.
June 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm
There is a beverage theme for many of these.
I need a drink.
June 19, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Alcoholism, that’s the theme, so I suspect they are all here. Just waiting for someone to start bragging really.
June 19, 2012 at 10:07 pm
The challenge – drink until these things look good or alcohol poisoning hits, whichever comes first.
June 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Let’s see:
“This is secured into place with a reused screw through a length of upcycled green genuine leather from a repurposed belt. The leather is stitched with recycled thread.”
This bitch takes upcycling seriously.
June 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Recycled thread. That is hardcore.
June 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Sadly, it’s also weak thread.
Winning at planned obsolescence!
June 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Indeed, a crafty crafter.
June 19, 2012 at 5:35 pm
Sadly, we have all crossed the event horizon of The Craft-Hole.
June 19, 2012 at 5:20 pm
I just cannot believe that is recycled thread. What, do you take garments apart to get it?
June 19, 2012 at 6:56 pm
That is the single greatest ring I have ever seen in my life. It has the most tragicomic, funhouse qualities, tempered with the fiery heat/dumbassishness of a failed Wiley Coyote rocket project.
June 19, 2012 at 10:56 pm
And because of the rounded screw head, it’d hurt like hell to wear!
June 19, 2012 at 10:56 pm
I guess. It just looks so… so… so… sturdy!
June 19, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Here
June 20, 2012 at 4:45 am
could be “thread that someone was throwing away because it’s 50 years old and breaks constantly”
I have a rather large bin of that from collecting some old woman’s fabric stash because her kids were shipping her off to the old-age home and selling her house. (there were also 2 antique quilt tops buried in among the fabric as well. The family were not interested in retrieving those, either. Jerks.)
June 20, 2012 at 4:46 am
I realize I should try to sell the thread on Etsy as some sort of “instant collection” or “supplies”… it’s certainly
garbagevintage.June 20, 2012 at 6:08 am
Do it! Put in as many creamy adjectives into the description as you can and let us know how it goes!
June 21, 2012 at 12:07 am
From cleaning out my step-grandfather’s house after he died, I have at least five spools of 60s, maybe older “serum-proof” silk surgical thread. Step-grandfather was not a surgeon. I never asked what the thread was used for, and I don’t really want to know. It’s big-ass thread, too, if it’s for sutures. Possibly originally intended for patients who dig the Frankenstein’s Monster look for their scars.
Four of them are still in their wax paper packets, and all of the spools are wooden. I may have to consider parting with the wrapped ones; the cupcakes might pay a decent ransom for them.
June 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Now, if I could turn that last one into a hookah… we might have something worthwhile here.
June 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm
A great way to make a statement
“I could have made 5 cents instead of this”.
June 19, 2012 at 6:53 pm
10 cents if you’re in Michigan.
June 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm
“creamy purple.” I found a half-empty bottle of Pepto that was six years past its sell-by date and it was just that color.
The stuff that dreams are made of. If you eat spoiled hot dogs just before you go to bed, that is.
June 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm
That drawer pull ring looks like it would come in handy in a fight.
June 19, 2012 at 5:11 pm
That poor, sweet lavender 45 isn’t the only record that has met an untimely and undeserved death in that seller’s shop. She specializes in such fuckery, with creamy-dreamy stories.
I have several red 45s at home…I love them for themselves. I never wanted to glue them to anything. I have never seen a lavender one, until this one, in its death.
People should be required to have licenses to own a glue gun.
June 19, 2012 at 5:31 pm
I just went and looked at the rest and….what the fuck is this I can’t even. It’s like she just finds random crap and glues it together without any regard to color, balance, shape, style, grace or sanity. I lust…what the hell, man? It’s like the kind of thing I made for a book report in the third grade.
June 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm
This one has a hellephant!
June 20, 2012 at 10:24 am
That looks like an elephant, not a Hellephant (he’s not blue, for one thing).
I was at a street fair in NYC with a bunch of other FJLs on Palooza weekend and we found a seller with a stuffed Hellephant. A Girlephant, too. They weren’t the same; didn’t have the charm or the sweetness. I’m afraid Hellephant has become mainstream.
June 19, 2012 at 10:29 pm
Now, now – this is ETSY. Finding “random crap and glue[ing] it together without any regard to color, balance, shape, style, grace or sanity” is the central tenant of their faith.
June 20, 2012 at 4:48 am
Have we found the actual “Mrs Gluing Shit To Other Shit”???
June 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm
“People should be required to have licenses to own a glue gun.” Now THAT’S a sentence that belongs on a sampler!
June 20, 2012 at 8:34 pm
I make fascinators out of 45s, but you know what? They’re the poor-condition rejects given to me by a friend who owns a record store. I refinish each record with black acrylic paint and gesso to make them look clean, but nothing actually playable is damaged (though I’m told I can go wild with any Pat Boone/Carpenters/Neil Sedaka that shows up). I also stress to people that they were all records that received failing quality grades from someone who does that stuff for a living so they don’t get the idea to go out and fuck up perfectly good records.
June 19, 2012 at 5:19 pm
I’m surprised the coke can wasn’t tagged as vintage.
June 19, 2012 at 5:57 pm
I’m just glad the “soft fragrance” wasn’t cherry. I had to read it over several times to figure out that the fragrance wasn’t achieved by not washing the can.
June 19, 2012 at 6:18 pm
They could have upcycled the smell.
Wasteful consumerist crafter.
June 20, 2012 at 4:52 am
man, that’s poetry right there, LeeLoo
June 19, 2012 at 5:25 pm
How are fake flowers great Feng Shui?
June 19, 2012 at 6:48 pm
I wondered that, too. And also wondered how fake flowers are “green.”
Or desirable when artificially scented with a fragrance that has nothing to do with flowers.
June 19, 2012 at 8:55 pm
Brace yourself. Since fake plants and flowers represent real plants and flowers, they count as the real thing in Feng Shui.
Yet another reason why Feng Shui is full of crap.
June 20, 2012 at 1:55 am
Actually, half the “experts” say faux flowers are BAD feng shui because they have no life energy.
So yes, definitely full of crap.
June 19, 2012 at 5:26 pm
That ring has to be heavy. At least it could double as a weapon.
June 19, 2012 at 7:07 pm
I think it could double as a dumbbell.
June 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm
I have that same “small pale green glass bowl” that’s on the top of the record murder candle holder! It is a tea light candle holder, available at Bed Bath & Beyond for about $6 if memory serves. (The “trimmed in gold” bit of that is apparently an old bracelet hotglued on to the top.)
In fact I have two. They sit around, unattached to any other crap, with tea lights in them, the way decent people would have them.
June 20, 2012 at 9:44 am
The bowl also looks like a 60′s Murano vaseline glass. If it glows under blacklight, it is uranium glass, and worth over a hundred bucks.
I’m hoping for the BedBath and Beyond version, for it’s sake.
June 19, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Does anyone else think the cork cake topper, as pictured, look like a couple tubes of salami in doll clothes?
June 19, 2012 at 8:52 pm
There seems to be a consensus here that they look like *some* kind of processed meat.
June 20, 2012 at 9:16 pm
“tubes of salami in doll clothes”
hadesarrow gave me an unpleasant mental image.
June 19, 2012 at 5:48 pm
At least some of them had the honesty to admit their stuff is “waste” and “trash”.
June 19, 2012 at 5:51 pm
*Wilhelm Scream*
Ad for a reborn doll in the margin. Brain in panic mode.
June 19, 2012 at 6:26 pm
The Wilhelm Scream–THAT’S what I heard in my head when I saw these things. Fortunately no ad for reborns…just sex toys to match 50 Shades of Gray. (*shudders*)
June 19, 2012 at 5:52 pm
I don’t know fashion terminology, so forgive me if I’ve missed something, but – a crumb-catcher neckline? This is a thing? Am I supposed to want a dress whose neckline will funnel crumbs straight into my cleavage so I can, what, save them for later? Or is it just a wedding dress thing, for those smearing-cake-into-each-other’s-faces moments?
June 19, 2012 at 6:30 pm
http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/BridalTerm.aspx?ID=418
June 19, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Who knew that cork bride has fat armpits?
June 20, 2012 at 8:31 pm
Aha, it’s a “pretend you have boobs” neckline.
Can’t imagine why they didn’t call it that.
June 21, 2012 at 1:18 am
The more they use the term “crumb catcher” on that page, the more My Big Fat Redneck Weddin’ it sounds.
I mean, I can imagine how the term probably came about, but aren’t wedding and ball gowns supposed to be THE most elegant and formal genre of fashion? And you want to name a style of bodice neckline after getting cake in your cleavage?
Someone very influential must’ve really hated their clientele.
June 19, 2012 at 11:50 pm
Looks like it’s for the woman with no cleavage to speak of who insists on wearing a strapless wedding dress, and wants a little improvement up there. Or is a napkin-folding fetishist’s dream.
June 19, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Is is green to NOT throw your shit away? If so, then my eleven-year-old is the most amazing eco-hippie on the planet. His room is full of shit, just waiting to be upcycled into Etsy magic!
June 19, 2012 at 6:20 pm
That “crumb-catcher neckline” has me in stitches.
June 19, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Is the shipping on that creamy purple shit really $18?
June 19, 2012 at 9:06 pm
Yes.
June 19, 2012 at 6:37 pm
“(rescued) torn up dictionary”. Just let the oxymoronicness and irony of that phrase sink in.
SMH
I do not think “rescued” means what you think it means.
GIFSoup
June 19, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Damn! It worked in the preview! It was the clip from The Princess Bride, unsurprisingly.
June 19, 2012 at 6:43 pm
All are Etsy except the ketchup bottle and the coke can because that’s just too easy.
…. wait is this not Etsy or Regretsy?
June 19, 2012 at 6:49 pm
WTF did that moron do with the purple vinyl??? More importantly, why??? Makes me want to upcycle a sharpened steel ring on a vintage fedora and swing it at the sorry excuse that purports to be her head. Oh, and old beverage cans STINK – all that beer and saliva backwash. Eeeyuck.
June 19, 2012 at 7:04 pm
you mean “delicately brushed with the rustic scent of mouth”
June 19, 2012 at 7:20 pm
The ketchup bottle pains me, as I’m constitutionally opposed to the destruction of books. Let them get old and fall to pieces as nature intended, but for the love of all that’s good and holy, DON’T RIP PAGES OUT OF THEM AND GLUE THEM TO A GODDAMNED KETCHUP BOTTLE!
June 19, 2012 at 10:44 pm
I came out of lurking just to reply to this! Of all the crap here, the ketchup bottle made of a ‘rescued’ book infuriates me. If you want to really rescue a book, take it home and READ IT instead of destroying it!
June 21, 2012 at 1:26 am
Use it as a prop base for photographing little shit to sell! Keep it around to make yourself look smarter! Hide extra money in it! Or mash notes! Or passive-aggressive notes to your spouse! Use it to hold your cookie fortunes like bookmarks! Use it as an ironic bookend! Span it across two other books and use it as a shelf! BUT DON’T FUCKING RIP IT UP AND GLUE IT TO A DISPOSABLE PLASTIC KETCHUP BOTTLE!
June 19, 2012 at 7:54 pm
Until I read the comments, I was desperately trying to decide if the cake toppers were made out of slid-from-the-can refried beans or slid-from-the-can dog food.
June 19, 2012 at 8:54 pm
…seems like everyone’s decided that they look nothing at all like cork.
June 19, 2012 at 8:05 pm
Soooo, when I first looked at the little cork bride and groom, the texture made me think they were blobs of canned cat food.
I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed.
June 19, 2012 at 10:16 pm
If your vintage thing “screams to become something else” it should be a strong hint that you are doing something wrong.
June 20, 2012 at 4:54 am
Or you need to adjust your medication.
June 20, 2012 at 5:10 am
I think the “artist” screams to become something else.
Grocery Bagger?
Pet Groomer?
Town Crazy Person?
June 19, 2012 at 10:34 pm
Yeah, seller is sooo right. A used soda can with smelly fake flowers is a great way to say “I love you,”. If you’re lucky, your sweetie pie just might also leave you a sink full of dirty dishes and a pile of dirty laundry to go with that new piece of trash you’ll be needing throwing out.
June 19, 2012 at 10:52 pm
That isn’t a Desmond Child tea light holder — It’s a DESMOND CHILD BONG!
June 20, 2012 at 12:23 am
If that last thing were just the pink-and-gold base, with the little green cup on top… I’d love it as a candle holder.
The record and the other crap make it tacky.
June 20, 2012 at 1:58 am
I think the flower ring is cute.
It would be better, however, if it had either an eye or a vagina painted on the middle. Or even an eye IN a vagina!
June 20, 2012 at 8:11 am
“The All-Seeing Vagine”!!
The IllumiNOTi!
June 21, 2012 at 1:29 am
Or Illuminaughty.
June 20, 2012 at 3:34 am
Only one thing has ever made me feel like I was stabbed in the heart and that was when I realized that my father never truly cared for or loved me. That ketchup bottle with the botany dictionary pages glued onto it is now the second thing that made me feel that way. The damn thing combines two things I love, reading and plants. I think I’m just going to go sob violently in the corner now.
June 20, 2012 at 8:13 am
For me, it’s the opposite: It combines two things I love- ketchup and terrible crafts. I’m sobbing, too, but it’s more sad/funny- like when a clown dies.
June 20, 2012 at 4:58 am
So the “crafter” who made the soda can fascinator was watching her drunken spouse crush cans on the side of his head at a party and realized that could become a fashion accessory? Or was someone using the side of her head to crush cans and then the can became permanently entangled in her hair somehow and she added some netting to make it look like she did that on purpose?
The only way that could look even vaguely interesting is if it’s a complete hat made from soda cans. Bonus points if the cans are still full.
June 21, 2012 at 1:33 am
I’m thinking more that she got drunk at a party, passed out and fell over, landed on a can and crushed it in the process and didn’t realize it until she came to in the morning. Then, after stumbling to the bathroom, as she saw it in the mirror embedded in her skin just before her skin rebelled with “fuck this” and pushed it out, ~*IDEA*~.
June 20, 2012 at 6:30 am
The flower ring is adorable only because the drawer pull is adorable. And the drawer pull would be more adorable if it were ACTING AS A DRAWER PULL.
June 20, 2012 at 6:32 am
i like the hell out of those cake toppers. they are actually kind of cute. everything else had a whole lot of derp and oh noes for me, but i’m a whino so the thought of cork on my wedding cake makes my little wine infused heart sing.
June 20, 2012 at 7:12 am
The bow would be more authentic if it had some feathers trapped in it, or seaweed. She’s missing out on a massive personalizing market here.
June 20, 2012 at 8:53 am
To be truly Etsy it must contain barnwood! Giant slivers of barnwood that fasten straight into your head!
And some clock gears so it can be classified as “steampunk”
June 20, 2012 at 8:09 am
“When life gives you Coke cans, stomp on them and then cram them into your hairdo.”
June 20, 2012 at 8:32 am
Wouldn’t
qualify as DEcycling?
June 20, 2012 at 9:37 am
I call it downcycling.
June 20, 2012 at 8:47 am
In life Mom could be quite the packrat but this stuff would send her running away…screaming.
Mom at least made something useful and practical out of stuff that couldn’t be recycled.
June 20, 2012 at 8:50 am
I must be losing my FJL mojo because I think that pull ring is kind of cute.
Not “spend $24 on” cute, but “I bet if I went through my grandma’s junk drawer I could make a few of those – with a proper metal band” cute.
June 20, 2012 at 10:14 am
I love how Cake Topper Girl tells us what she was going to do but didn’t *actually* do. Did she think that admitting her a) laziness and b) original vision was someone going to make the item more valuable?
June 20, 2012 at 10:17 am
***”was going to make the item seem more valuable to someone”
Not sure how the hell I made that typo. I blame the sheer crappiness of the item, it temporarily closed off a small section of my brain.
June 20, 2012 at 6:56 pm
No, I believe she’s saying that she modeled these after a real bride and groom… that the real bride was going to have an updo, thus her cat-food-cum-champagne-cork also has an updo.
June 20, 2012 at 11:57 am
I clicked on the toilet tissue cover to buy it, but the seller removed the item. Damn it. I wanted that hideous thing!
June 20, 2012 at 11:58 am
Ah crap, never mind. I must be on the wrong post.
June 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Upcycled is really mostly crap. Sometimes you should just recycle something instead of covering it in glue like a jackass.
These idiots treat trash like it’s a dog they rescued from a kill shelter.
June 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Granted, the rose ring isn’t my/most people’s style, but it at least looks… usable.
June 20, 2012 at 6:54 pm
For the wedding cake topper, it really took me a bit to realize these were made from champagne corks. I would have sworn then were wet cat food.
June 20, 2012 at 8:36 pm
Shannonbatescreates, the store that the drawer pull ring came from, has some random quasi-abstract stuff that I do like. None of it is rings. Apparently when something goes on a finger she can’t stop herself making it two inches in diameter.
June 20, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Those cork figures are cute.
June 21, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Those cake toppers are cute, but not $40 cute.
I once used wine corks to make a bulletin board. Glued a bunch of them in a pattern inside a shallow tray. It was a neat alternative to buying one. Then again, I drink a lot of wine so it made sense.
June 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm
The word “creamy” makes me throw up a little all by itself. But when that horrid word is combined with hot-glue-gun-shitardary, well nausea is reaching a whole new level today!