- Submitted by L. Elizabeth
STOP STRAPPING CAMERAS ON SEALS AND THEY WONT SHOOT YOU
And so the age-old feud between those two violent geographic areas, Hawaii and Canada, has come at last to bloodshed. What shall become of us all?
Well the seals figured they’d make a run for Canada after the killing spree. They gotta get out man. They’re not going back to the pen!
Fleeing to Canada is a terrible idea. We’re internationally known for our willingness to bash seals.
Well the first bad idea was fleeing to a country with an extradition agreement with the States. Also, they might be hoping the guns win out over clubs?
Yes, but it’s genetically pre-programmed into every American creature that has ever heard of Canada, to eventually flee here. The Empire Loyalists, the Underground Railroad, the draft dodgers and now homicidal seals.
Huh, I thought Hawaiian Monk Seals preferred knives to guns.
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And here I thought they preferred hakkas to weapons . . .
Point 1 Thems ain’t Hawaiians
Point 2 Thems is New Zealanders
Point 3 There is only 1 ‘K’ in haka
Point 4 While in NZ Rugby is an almost religion thems ain’t monks and they wear boots with spikes on so who needs a weapon.
I knew his divorce from Heidi Clume hit him hard but had no idea he became a monk in Hawaii!!
Seals ain’t fucking around!
they’ve discovered gunpowder, now what will the clubbers do?
rave against the machine?
Damn straight. They took out Bin Laden, they’ll do the same to you.
Navy seal chaplains
Who yell; “Kammanaiwaunaleiyou”
As a Hawaii resident, I can assure you we NEVER get tired of hearing that one.
As a Rhode Island resident, I can assure you WE never get tired of hearing that one, either.
Would you guys accept the substitution of “kammaniwaniutuleimi”? No? Why you islands gotta gang up on me??
I’m quite drunk and, yet, this makes so much sense to me. It’s like I hold the answer to life’s most delicate questions in my glass of cheap vodka and soda.
The answers to all of life’s most delicate questions lie in vodka.
Buying vodka is akin to paying for a service. You are not paying for the vodka itself, you are paying for the services that are provided by the vodka. The refreshing beverage is just an extra perk.
In vodka veritas or Vodka-> Pravda
What has science wrought?!
Okay, I dyslexia’d this at first, and now I have a weird modern day Navy Seal/Templar Knight/Assasin’s Creed dude who looks like Jason Momoa wandering around Canada shooting people… I need to learn how to read gud.
Makes as much sense as most of his roles.
If that was a movie starring Jason Momoa, I’d go see it. But only if he was shooting bad guys FOR GREAT JUSTICE.
Actually, I would see it because Jason Momoa is bloody hot. *drools*
It is sad I live in AB and I didn’t know this till regresty. I pressumed that was what it was when they brought up ‘what happened at UofA” and “so-and-so was really shaken up, she just gradded from there” but details were not shared out of respect.
I meant to look it up once I got home but regresty is always my go-to on the internet first. Good to know you’re keeping me up to date on local news as well.
Hang on a tic! I’m in Calgary. What the heck happened?!
Hello fellow Calgarian! Looks like an ATM robbery that took place on the campus while guards were loading a machine. Not a Montreal situation, but still sad.
Holy crapola! I just found the news item on CBC. Jeepers, those poor people.
Not only that but it was one of the guards who did it – allegedly. Did he think no one would notice that he’s the only one who’s unharmed? Oh and also missing?
They should call in Mantracker. He’s from out there, isn’t he? The cowboy hat is a giveaway.
MANTRACKER RETIRED. Which is too bad, as the guy the police are searching for may be hiding out in southern Alberta – Mantracker territory.
What?? Retired? Well, at least the sound of his spurs won’t send shivers down my spine any more.
So where do the Hawaiian seals fit into all this?
Into a phone booth. As many as possible.
Is there anything Regretsy doesn’t do for us?
Mix my drinks. That’s probably it though….
Those damn followers of Chtulhu need to knock it off. Like they’re the only ones who deserve the sole scuba concession for land locked diving?
At least they got some spectacular footage of the shooting.
In retrospect, the background checks done upon the seals selected for study could have delved a bit more deeply in the “violent vendetta against humanity” sector, but we assumed that those questions would have been covered when the seals applied for their firearm licenses.
I’ll bet they weren’t even licensed.
I thougt seals were notarized. Or is it the other way around and notarized stuff gets sealed? Dammit!
not always… but they are required to use a notary seal.
In order to become a notary seal the seal cannot have been convicted of a felony and must not associate with killer whales or man-eating sharks
The Notaryorious S.E.A.L.
they’re native to the area, they don’t need a license.
also, on the news, seals go whale hunting.
Can’t blame errant seals. Just some dirtbag armed guard who shot his co-workers to steal money. Shit like this is only supposed to happen on CSI, not up here in peaceful Canada.
The fuckin’ fucker was just caught at the border trying to cross into Washington state. Never ever thought I’d say this but: Thanks American Border Guards!!!
That’s a new one for me, too, although I once witnessed them give a thorough going-over to a carload of aggressive, drunken, idiot frat boys coming over from Windsor.
Most amusing! Especially the taking-the-car-apart part.
P.S. I’m glad they caught the guy.
What’s the worst punishment the fucker can get–life without parole? Maybe if he’s not lucky, he’ll meet up with some friends of his victims in prison. A girl can hope!
I read “The University of Alabama in Canada”; therefore, I wasn’t surprised by the guns.
I wasn’t even aware that Alabama had become part of Canada – I need to pay attention more.
This is how we plan on taking over the US, one ignored state at a time.
You’ve had North Dakota for decades, haven’t you?
I don’t know why, but this is the snark that made me bark like a seal tonight.
I hope you didn’t dislodge that camera on your back. It’s a bitch to strap on again.
Can we offer a special on Wisconsin, Ohio and Arizona?
No! (And we don’t want Michigan either, despite the gorgeous lakes there. Vagina.)
Most of us in Michigan just call it “Southern Canadia” already anyhow.
We’ll take Wisconsin for its beauty and innocence, Arizona since half of our senior citizens winter there anyhow, and the part of Ohio north of the I90, including all of Cleveland. You can keep the rest of that clusterfuck until they realize that the civil war is over and they were supposed to be on the Union side anyhow.
You can have Arizona, or at least all of it’s elected officials. They’ve all gone insane anyway.
And the only one with half a brain only has half a brain.
And she left office.
Please accept East Tennessee. It’s a little known fact that we were very Union leaning during the war, and would’ve succeeded the way West Virginia did, except for the Confederate Army that was occupying to protect the railroad. Kinda hard to vote with guns in your face…
If you take Texas, we’ll throw in Florida for free.
I think the Canadians sent over Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy to lull us into a state of submission with rural colloquialisms and flannel shirts.
Not surprisingly, they started with our Southern states.
You DON’T want Alabama!! Mississippi, neither!
Shh! Don’t tell them that. Then we’ll never get rid of them.
California used to be worthwhile but condom requirements have killed the porn industry and any value California had. Sorry Canada no more Mountie/moose porn for you!
The Great Provinstate of Albertama Welcomes You. Enjoy our high level of education and warm weather but please ignore the ignorance and blizzards, y’all eh?
My father would totally appreciate that! …being Canadian in Canada and doing business in the US. He has some hella funny stories.
You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have Hawaiian Monk Seals with frickin’ cameras attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here!
I see what you did there. Awesome.
That was from Weekend at Bernie’s, Part Two, right?
Shows what you know. That was from Lord of the Rings: Curse of the Revenge of the Fallen.
At least they weren’t clubbing them. Thumb me down, but it’s true.
I don’t understand why people get so upset about clubbing seals – maybe they just want to get out, dance, and have a few over-priced drinks like all of the other club kids.
WTF? The shooting is tragic. The two stories are not related & the fact that they were pasted together doesn’t make it funny. Get a clue, people.
I’m pretty sure that depends on your point of view. You new here?
Clue? Mister Seal in the basement with a camera.
Brother Seal in the basement with a camera!
I’m old school “Clue”
There is nothing so tragic we can’t make a joke about it. Or a craft.
Sorry, we’re tactless. It’s kind of our thing. Crocheted camera-wearing seal carrying a sculpey Uzi in 3..2..1…
I’m looking it over and…nope, can’t see anyone laughing AT THE SHOOTING. But thanks for trying to make everyone feel like shit. Very helpful on humor blog.
Show yourself out.
I don’t think people are laughing at the fact that some people were shot and killed but rather… oh nevermind. I have a feeling you still wouldn’t get it.
I was actually laughing at people getting shot and killed. But I tend to think outside the box, you know? Plus, I’m new here and have Downs Syndrome. And Rickets. And a mosquito bite that’s bugging the fuck outta me.
Deathtastic and Moribunderful!
Matt is fast becoming my favorite.
He’s putting the laughter in slaughter.
I’m not well.
Zippy- when you’re hammered, laughter and slaughter rhyme pretty well. Luckily, I’m always hammered- so, nice job!
Wow! Who knew Sean Penn reads Regretsy?
Is he known for having ZERO sense of humor?
It is known.
But he’s so wrinkly! That’s gotta count for somethin’!
I’m quite wrinkly, so can assure you it counts for nothing!
Just hold out until we discover a planet where the inhabitants value wrinkles and use them as currency. Then, sit back and enjoy the good life! Imagine a mansion built on wrinkles!
Matt Johnson–wouldn’t settling be a problem?
You’d never have to settle if you had a wrinkle fortune! Wrinkles are “pre-settled”.
A planet that worships wrinkles and uses them as currency.
No irony there!
Sorry. That was supposed to be something “wrinkly”…and then there’d be no “irony” there.
OK, I’ll show myself out. I’ll leave the platter of bacon that I brought. I hope you enjoy that, at least.
My favourite part is that this is supposed to be local news for Sherman-Oaks, California. I wonder how the search criteria ended up with these two stories.
I didn’t care for this “mash-up” trend when it was just music but now I really think it’s gone too far.
As far as I’m able to determine, it has something to do with Alabama having seceded to Canada, led by some Buddhist seals who perhaps came from a monastery based in California.
I think the treatment for the next Robert Pattinson movie got leaked.
I think this is the most G-rated Regretsy post I’ve seen that involves “strap on” and “camera.”
Sorry. Shootings resulting in deaths on camera is an “R” rating.
Let’s split the difference and call it PG-13?
Best fucking quote I’ve read in a long time:
“Seeing what the animals really did rather than guessing about it was incredibly useful” (verbatim from the article)
I love that so much I can’t stand it.
But did they study their study so that they made sure it was worth studying? Or do they just like to glue shit to other shit?
The seals had to up the fire power once the sharks got their laser beams installed
thanks Dr Evil
The Seals don’t have enough to keep them out of trouble, poor dears. Someone should have given them potholder looms or built a skate park.
Idle flippers are the devil’s playground.
In related news “Winnipeg Pinniped In The Brig, Mounties Said”
That phrase is officially burned into my brain, now.
you have now haunted my dreams this evening. Thank you.
That is absolutely radical/awesome.
Was that taken at SeaWorld?
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.
More specifically, just when you thought it was safe to turn your back on the water
This is far more tragic than an earlier story I read about two penguins who knifed someone after a bar scuffle…
Those were nuns in that bar fight.
My mechanic told me I have a bad seal somewhere in the nether regions of my car. I believe everything he tells me, as I’ve afraid to look under the hood ever since he found a dead mouse in the carburetor and tried to tell me the engineer died.
Anyway…I now only have good seals, so I’m sure I won’t get shot. I might, however, have my photo taken by them assuming they’re Hawaiian.
Vodka is my friend, right?
I think as long as you don’t drive to Hawaii you’ll probably be alright.
I’m not a mechanic, but I play one in my shed at night.
Like a banjo or something?
Yes. Like a banjo or something.
So a walrus takes his car to to the shop because of an oil leak and the mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal”. “Huh?”, says the walrus wiping off his chin, “I was eating ice cream.”
See Heidi Clume comment above: she had a lot of experience blowing Seal
The nerve. Those holy seals should THANK us. We thoughtfully used epoxy glue on the skin to mount a camera on a critter made to cut through water. Of course, just a little bit of rippling of the skin will make no effect on his drag coefficient…
I suppose it’s escargot instead of tuna. Sorry, Charlie.
One of the purposes of the earlier study was to find out how much the cameras hinder the seals’ abilities to swim and hunt. There was little or no impact.
Scientists didn’t want to be responsible for messing up the seals since there are only about 1000 Monk Seals left. Period.
It’s kind of important to find out ways to help the population recover or they’ll become extinct quite quickly.
I know I’m going against the official and complete Regretsy guidelines in writing a serious reply, but I wanted to assure everyone that all the people working on this project care about the seals.
Actually, sometimes it’s nice to know what’s actually going on rather than the proportions we can blow it out of.
Or the orifices we blow it out of.
It was either mount cameras to the seals to find out what they’re up to or occasionally haul one off the Gitmo and land-board them until they tell all.
I’m relieved to know it doesn’t affect their hunting any, but OMG, I work with epoxy glue and that shit drives me nuts just with a bit on the skin – definitely not enough to mount a camera with.
I understand why they’re doing it, but if the seals don’t like it, I wouldn’t blame them for modding firearms for their own use. I guess, for the seal, it’s bit like having sand in your shoe. You’re fully functional, but still willing to slap a bitch at the end of the day.
Seals have thick fur and really thick skin, so I’m sure they don’t feel the epoxy as much as you feel it. Seal neurology isn’t my area of expertise, but it makes sense that their skin is less sensitive than humans…
Or at least I hope so! Just imagine how much sea urchin spines, jellyfish and all the other stuff in the water would bug them otherwise! Not to mention all that sand!
Look they could care less about the cameras they just need to take up arms against the Zombie sea lion Apocalypse and no one would listen!
It’s zombie sharks that’re the real danger. Why do you think the seals needed to take up arms in the first place?
Is there a shortage of editors in the world or something? Because I have no idea how those could have been put together.
In other news, the guys who did it got caught trying to cross the border with no passport and his real Alberta driver’s license while driving the truck that everyone was supposed to be on the look for.
As my dad the ex cop always said: “Most criminals are dumb as dirt.”
Nowadays copy editors and even proofreaders are rarer than Hawaiian monk seals. Most newspapers have zero such employees with writers told “U rite it it gud yourselfs, kay”. So electronic news media — pfffft!.
Then again, old newspaper employees used to regale us with similar tales of the old days. A paste-up guy in the print shop was brushed off when he tried to report an error in an ad. “We don’t correct ads”, he was told. So the full 2-page ad was run as is with “HAWAIIAN SHIT SALE” across the top.
. . . Further proof is in someone actually using the supremely dumb quote noted by Matt in #20.
There is no shortage of editors in the world; if there were, we’d be getting paid better (at least, that’s what I learned from economics). There does, however, seem to be a shortage of DEMAND for editors. In other words, there are a lot of organizations that need editors and don’t realize it. (If the Internet and everything else suddenly makes sense now, you’re welcome).
OT, but are we doing tragicrafting this year? last September was a hoot compleat with crying glitter eagles and goatse 9/11 blingees. That would be fun to revive.
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