GIVE ME THE PRECIOUS
As you know, we’ve been talking about cross-stitching a lot here lately. And yesterday, we featured some fantastic Etsy sellers, including this amazing woman, who makes some of the greatest samplers I’ve ever seen.
It seemed like a good opportunity to re-post this story, all about cross-stitching, Gollum, and the way Etsy is supposed to work.
If you read this site with any regularity, and really, why wouldn’t you, you already know about Steotch.
Steotch makes strange samplers, and I buy a lot of them. In fact, Steotch is my favorite Etsy seller, and this is hanging in my kitchen.
I know. Don’t hate.
Well no, you can hate. You have no choice, really. Even I hate myself, and it’s my sampler.
Anyway, I’ve bought several of her pieces now, and last month, I bought this one.
How incredible is that? Amazeballs, that’s how. And the little ring is embroidered in gold metallic thread, just to make you even more jealous and unpleasant.
Now, we’re a little nerdy over here, and we definitely could have found a place in our home for this. Next to the replica of Darth Vader’s lightsaber, perhaps. Or maybe alongside our oil on velvet of Admiral Ackbar.
But when you love something, you set it free. And so we did.
We wrapped this sampler up, and we gave it to our friend Randy.
Randy was the Animation Director on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He and his team actually created Gollum.
To me, this is a perfect Etsy moment. This is how it’s supposed to work. Talented people making amazing crafts that find their way into the homes and hearts of other smart and talented people. And the circle of fuckery is complete.
Or you could just glue a plastic chrysanthemum on a box of Kotex and call it steampunk.
June 16, 2012 at 11:22 am
why havent I browsed this woman’s shop before? I kinda want everything in it.
June 16, 2012 at 11:27 am
I stumbled upon her stuff about a year ago and was so friggin’ psyched to see someone doing that type of thing.
June 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm
aww but I gotta make some of them, damnit. I’m too lazy, I’ll just look and pine for them from afar.
June 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Agreed! Judge Judy is brilliant!
June 16, 2012 at 11:25 am
That’s actually very cool. That’s how I imagined etsy when I first got there. That was only a year and a half ago, so it already wasn’t what it apparently was already….
I do still get that vibe from people who buy my stuff, though. I think that vibe exists still, just in tiny pockets you have to hunt for.
June 16, 2012 at 11:29 am
I’m not remotely into sci-fi stuff, but I think that “Admiral Ackbar” portrait is pretty awesome.
June 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Matt your shop is very cool! Love this
http://www.etsy.com/listing/71396115/piston-bookshelf
June 18, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Protip: Like the flotsam of the internet, most of those who are purveyors of “That Vibe” have washed up here.
June 16, 2012 at 11:27 am
I always love reading this story. It’s such a positive example of fuckery in motion.
June 16, 2012 at 11:32 am
I’m new here….what’s the fuckery thing all about?
June 16, 2012 at 11:45 am
It’s a catch-all term for the stuff that is sold/happens on Etsy.
June 16, 2012 at 11:45 am
It’s like the Force. Some people are like Darth Vader, only instead of light sabers and asthma, you get re-usable tampons and cultural misappropriation. Others like Yoda, only with awesome samplers or cool posters and the like.
June 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I like “cultural misappropriation”.
- As a term, not the act thereof.
June 16, 2012 at 1:23 pm
The cupcakes are just the opposite.
June 16, 2012 at 9:45 pm
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June 16, 2012 at 11:28 am
Helen, you know some massively cool people.
June 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Sure! She knows us, doesn’t she?
June 16, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Of course she does, Princess. Helen is QUEEN of the massively cool people…
June 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Me? YOU’RE the one who brought me a Kay Ballard autographed CD at Petja Palooza. I’M NOT FIT TO HOLD YOUR JOCK
June 16, 2012 at 11:29 am
This is awesome fuckery as opposed to the heinous fuckery in other etsy stores.
June 16, 2012 at 11:49 am
The last few days have had some awesome fuckery. I’ve gone and bookmarked some pages because I will be getting something from those sellers.
June 16, 2012 at 11:44 am
Would I be outing myself as too much of a geek if I say I recognized Randy because I’ve repeatedly watched all the special features for the entire LotR movie trilogy? They’re cool, man!
June 16, 2012 at 11:47 am
Me, too. I’ve watched all 96 hours of that shit.
June 16, 2012 at 11:47 am
“glue a plastic chrysanthemum on a box of Kotex and call it steampunk”
Brilliant! I’m stealing that.
By the way, why paint on velvet instead of canvas? Does it hold paint better?
June 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm
No, it’s just more fabulous.
June 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm
That’s reason enough.
June 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm
Millions of velvet Elvii can’t be wrong.
June 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm
In freshman year of high school, my biology teacher had a velvet Elvis leaning on top of a cabinet, in between various animal skeletons. He referred to it alternatively as the Velvis (as is the proper taxonomic classification, I believe) or Fat Crying Drug-Addicted Velvet Elvis. It showed the King’s face in loving close-up as a single glimmering tear wound its way down his leathery face.
Whenever a student misbehaved, he or she was made to face the Velvis for the rest of the class period.
June 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm
You know, nowadays with how fucking pc the world is, that punishment would spark a national outcry and banishment of that teacher.
June 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm
Coolest. Teacher. Ever.
June 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm
“Facing the Velvis” would be sweet, sweet punishment for me. I’d get in trouble on purpose.
June 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Actually, I think I have found the most fabulous of them all.
http://youtu.be/SXigfZGqsLM
June 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Snacktacular!
June 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm
When my mom was moving and throwing away a ton of old stuff, I demanded she give me the paintings/art that used to hang in our house when I was a kid, that she was going to throw away. 2 Black velvet paintings of matadors, in heavy wood frames (plus 2 large tiki masks from
MexicoHawaii.) They’re so terrible and I love them so much.June 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Feliz Tikidad!
June 16, 2012 at 11:49 am
Saw the earlier post about the shops you love and went to Steotch and bought the “Traditional Prayer” pattern on the spot! I will be hanging it by our front door for all of our guests to enjoy. So glad to have a place for new patterns, there’s only so many “Footprints”, flowers or native american designs a person can take.
June 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Me too! I’m a special features whore!
June 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm
My current favorite cross stitch maven on etsy is:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/weelittlestitches
I made the golden girls sampler for my sister, and am working on the always sunny sampler for my other sister. LOVE!
June 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm
This is terrific.
June 16, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Love her. Ever since you first mentioned her, I’ve been regularly checking her shop to see what awesome things she creates.
June 16, 2012 at 12:37 pm
You just know some day a 98 pound hunk of California Cheddar carved in the shape of Mrs. Finster’s Whistle is going to show up on your doorstep.
June 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Where can I send money to make this happen?
June 16, 2012 at 12:58 pm
I’ve loved Steoch and followed her since she first appeared on Regretsy way-back-when. The patterns make me a little sad though, because I don’t cross stitch and she so rarely sells completed samplers. The only cross-stitcher I know is my grandma, and she’s definitely not one of those cool grandmas who would make a vulgar sampler for me.
June 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I too wish I had a cool grandma like that.
June 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm
April you are an amazing woman…the kind I would ask to marry me if you were not 1) a woman and 2) so far away….I live in France and come to this site every fucking day to get away from the inneficient assholes I have to deal with everyday….this ia great…you made my day girl…and please keep those charity drives coming because I am ready to give away my daughter’s college fund and my old lady’s savings for that…If I stay in Paris I will not live to be that old so I will not need the money…believe me…living here takes years away from you…it sucks your soul…
June 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm
On the other hand, the wine.
June 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm
ok wtf yes you sold me I am staying
June 16, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Also, socialized medicine and worker protection laws and really good cheese.
June 18, 2012 at 7:43 am
And baguettes!
June 18, 2012 at 7:44 am
If not for this site I would kill my boss every day. It keeps me sane.
June 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm
I call dibs on Randy for Wednesdays………..
June 16, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Being a HUGE nerd wh watched all the extended features of the extended box sets, this. is. AWESOMESAUCE!
June 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Oh my goodness.
I think there is a tear coming out of my eye. This is so beautiful that even an emotionless, dried-up fat jealous loser like me can shed a tear of-
You know, this isn’t worth it without glitter.
June 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Randy is a hot bear daddy.
June 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm
What a Lion King moment.
June 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm
I’ve been shopping for a printer for the last couple of weeks. Now that I MUST have the “bros before hoes” pattern, i’m going to have to speed up the process. I’ll be damned if i’m going to squint at a monitor while I struggle with lack of patience to make it.
June 16, 2012 at 5:14 pm
Is it wrong that now I have a giant crush on Randy?
June 16, 2012 at 8:17 pm
I would kill to know that guy. Or have that sampler. Either one, really.
June 16, 2012 at 8:28 pm
And now I wan’t a cross-stitched steampunk plastic chrysanthemum on a box of Kotex with “Club Fuck*y 4 Life” although I have absolutely no wall that would do it justice.
June 16, 2012 at 11:21 pm
I so love that Admiral Ackbar painting. I think you scored the best one – I keep checking their eBay store but the ones they’re selling now aren’t nearly as good.
June 17, 2012 at 2:25 am
If only my mother had more time for fuckery. I swear to the old gods and the new, she’s a master at cross stitching, sewing, you name it (nothing better to do, growing up in the 60s/70s). She used to make our place mats for meal times and still has all the holiday ones. She made a toaster cover out of purple and blue fabric printed with cats (it does its job well, I must say). She knits winter clothes for my sister and her roommates who are living back east at the moment. Seven hells, the woman even makes seasonal/major holiday costumes for this damned cast iron duck that sits at the bottom of her stairs.
One day for sure I’m going to buy one of these patterns (or all of them) just to see if she’ll do it. She probably will, and there’s nothing much like mom’s homesewn fuckery to remind you every morning or night that the world still has some good parts in and around it.
June 17, 2012 at 6:02 am
Many things: I love the phrase seven hells, I am adding it to my vocabulary. Also, I wish I had the skills your mother has.
June 18, 2012 at 9:35 am
Oh man, I now have a goal. I must get my fiance’s sister the “Mawwiage” sampler before her one year anniversary in mid-August. She’s a wedding photographer who loves the Princess Bride, so I hear this line from her a lot. I gotta make this happen somehow.
Any cross-stitching FJLs in the NYC-ish area (I’m from central NJ) currently accepting commissions? I’m on a super-tight budget, but I’ve got heart (and two kidneys)!
June 24, 2012 at 7:25 pm
This is amazing. I love that that sampler exists, AND I cackled in glee when I realized the guys who made Gollum got it.
>:) Regretsy = winning.
August 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm
The only thing better than this sampler is giving this sampler to the animation director, and the look on his face! Amaze!