10 Things on Etsy that Look Like Turds
10. WI-FIDO
This looks like something you found under your desk when Make it Work came over to hook up your router.
9. SHOUT IT OUT
It’s more of a shart than a scarf.
8. STAY OUT OF MY BEADS
That damn cat is going to kill herself one of these days.
7. $85 CHOCOLATE NECKLACE
I guess the groom is supposed to eat them right off your neck. Hopefully it’s not an outdoor wedding.
6. TABLE FOR NUMBER 2
Oh, Waiter! Cancel my pudding.
5. LORENZO’S COIL
Coincidentally, “Smooth Cherry Cordial” is also a new Metamucil flavor.
4. MASTER CLEANSE
This is like something they hold up with a stick on an infomercial.
3. DANGLEBERRIES
“Travelers would stack cairns, or piles of stones on trails to let others know the way, so put on these earrings and lead the way! “
2. ROID RAGE
One more reason not to read The Star on the toilet until your legs go numb.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A TURD IS . . .
1. I’M NOT PICKING THAT UP
Why do they always do it when you don’t have a plastic bag?
June 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm
Felted? Yes, I can feel that from here.
June 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm
I read “felted” as “felched.” Obviously this post has ruined my life forever.
June 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Oddly, there are a couople of very pretty scarfs in her store (the silk and merino). Guess the person has talent but no objectivity about her work.
June 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm
those gauges could be sort of pretty if i could figure out how the fuck they’re supposed to fit in my ears.
June 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm
They only fit through the ear holes of a 22 yr. old barista.
June 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Eleven.
June 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm
haha! there are several things in this image that you could be referring to as eleven.
June 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm
I see a really big one that looks like it just sleazed it’s way out of a 3 day bender and into a Tijuana donkey show.
June 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Okay, so there is the obvious one on the right, but check out that Owl lamp that looks like a turd totem!
June 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm
….pretty rough frame of video to have frozen of him, you know? He looks like Lorenzo’s Coil is about to come out of him.
June 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm
June 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm
Is the “gold” in the Chocolate Necklace supposed to be the corn?
June 16, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Those are definitely anal beads. By the looks of them, *used* anal beads.
June 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm
The $85 Whoppers necklace is now $125.
I love Whoppers, but I don’t love them that much.
(Remember how a package of Whoppers used to have a “dud” or two that were collapsed and chewy? I think they’ve improved the packaging technique or something, because I haven’t gotten one of those in years.)
June 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Compare and save!
You save $123.01!
June 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Those are artsan malted-milk balls covered in gold leaf. You FJLs clearly don’t know Whopper quality when you see it.
June 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm
OK, add a buck for a quarter sheet of gold leaf.
June 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm
If they were smart, they would’ve bought some Goldschlager and a pasta strainer.
Get hammered, then reap the rewards of free gold for your shitty craft thing.
June 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm
$125.00? You’ve got to be shitting me.
June 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm
If we were shitting you your picture would be at the top of the page.
June 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm
handicrapturds?
June 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm
The “Driftwood Gauges” are the kind of soft-serve that happens when you sample every goddamned thing Hostess has to offer.
June 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Seems appropriate that the items are on a page titled “gauges and plugs.” Most of the stuff their looks like it should be stuffed where the sun don’t shine.
June 16, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Driftwood.
I don’t think it means what you think it means.
June 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Today I learned the the most advanced cupcakes actually literally crap crafts.
June 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm
So, by “felted stone piles”, they mean “shit pellets covered in floor-swept pubes”?
I don’t know much about felt, but is that what it really looks like? What’s appealing about that?
June 17, 2012 at 7:16 pm
There’s nothing appealing about piles.
June 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm
At first I thought it was “Etsy or Regretsy” time.
Then I was sad that these are all real.
Then I wondered why all the handmade poo soap didn’t make the list.
June 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm
The shit-candle-holder things are described as “mid century modern”. I’m curious as to which century they’re talking about.
June 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm
“I hate these feces to pieces”
- That Stinks Jinx
June 16, 2012 at 4:52 pm
A Pixie and Dixie and Mr. Jinks reference. +1
June 16, 2012 at 4:07 pm
o hey, #5– if there’s blood in the stool, stay out of the pool, okay?
June 16, 2012 at 9:20 pm
coincidentally I just watched Caddyshack the other day…
June 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm
Just ten? Who’s taking the day off?
June 16, 2012 at 4:26 pm
You just posted the felt dog to make sure we saw the rest of her amazing OMG shop.
Holy crap!
Uh, oh. That’s what got the whole thing started, huh.
Seriously, though, wow.
June 16, 2012 at 5:17 pm
She’s really talented, but she didn’t find this post very amusing. Her email is is actually in the butthurt section.
June 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Make Sure She fills out one of these:
June 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm
I went looking for it but couldn’t find it. Help?
June 18, 2012 at 1:34 am
I couldn’t find it, either.
June 18, 2012 at 1:37 am
Oh wait, I found her grousing in the Etsy forums.
June 16, 2012 at 11:50 pm
Oh, that’s crap! I am astounded at her talent.
June 16, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Yeah, most of her stuff is amazing but no one get get it right 100% of the time. However, if she would just change the title a few letters it would be accurate (Chocolate Poo).
June 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm
The driftwood looks more like a hardened artery to me.
Some of the other items do look pretty horrendous though. I guess the artists figured that it would be a…waste to throw away all that work.
June 16, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Ok, fess up…who bought the pile of earrings?
June 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Several of those look more like hairballs than otherwise.
June 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Those turd candles remind me of Pioneer Arts Center in Florida. A donkey bit my tittie during a school field trip there once. I hate donkeys.
June 16, 2012 at 8:45 pm
Mind you, donkey bites hurt!
June 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm
um…butt…shouldn’t that have been “The Number Two Thing That Looks Like a Turd”??
June 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm
I presume the only place anyone wearing those “Dangle Berries” earrings is “leading the way” to. is the restroom! Or perhaps FROM it?
June 16, 2012 at 7:02 pm
…and those dangleberries look like a bunch of owl pellets strung together.
“Owl pellets,” you’re asking yourself? They’re the owl equivalent of hairballs, but full of bits of dead things, like feathers and bones. Thankfully, they’re not wet and squishy like the hairballs you inevitably step on whilst barefoot on your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Or so I’ve been told.
June 16, 2012 at 10:13 pm
They sell bigger owl pellets (sterilized somewhat) in science kits. You can find out what the owl ate and maybe even reconstruct a mouse skeleton.
So, mouse skeleton popping out of the pellet with top hat and cane, on a necklace?
June 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Want the ultimate excrement experience? Get the maker of the shit candles to make some that fit the poop candle holder – ultimate Etsy!
June 16, 2012 at 8:09 pm
11. 82.5% of things on Etsy..
June 16, 2012 at 8:21 pm
“If your chocolate melts or get eaten and you want to replace it with real stones, you can send the necklace back and for an additional $45+shipping, we can replace the chocolate with other, longer lasting stones.”
… So, if your 35¢ candy necklace melts all over you clothes, send us the string and we’ll sell you another necklace! Made out of undisclosed “stones” (gravel)!
Well shit, now I can’t afford NOT to buy it.
June 16, 2012 at 8:25 pm
HEE.
Is it wrong that I saw the, uh… “cairn stones” and thought “gee, those look a lot like piles of hairy balls,” then scanned down, saw the word “Romney” and burst into giggles?
(… oooor maybe I’m a teensy bit tipply. I’m ok with that. DON’T JUDGE!)
June 16, 2012 at 8:26 pm
#7 = Used Anal Beads
June 16, 2012 at 8:49 pm
I do hope the earplug girl has a sense of humor, ’cause some of those pretty designs made me -briefly- consider for the first time stretching to a large gauge like that.
(… then I remembered that I’m turning 36 years old this year and probably should refrain from making anything droopy before its time if I can at all help it, heh)
June 16, 2012 at 9:00 pm
number 5 looks nothing like turds, and if I hadn’t aleady acquired S.A.B.L.E.(stash acquired beyond life expectancy) and a hole in my wallet I’d order from that etsy shop… the batts are gorgeous and look like they’d be fun to spin.
June 16, 2012 at 10:07 pm
So when someone is knocking furiously on the bathroom door, you can yell out “Hey! I’m busy crafting in here!’
June 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm
I’m amused that most of these items have tens of thousands of views. I wonder what goes through the etsyan’s head when they see that? Is it “OMG. I finally hit the jackpot?!?”? Or, “DAMN. I bet I’m featured on Regretsy… again.”?
October 19, 2012 at 10:04 pm
This should be a treasury!