Dude. I live in Humboldt, and you wouldn’t believe how many people are looking for somewhere to park their van, bus, trailer, tent etc. We’ve got a room we were thinking of renting out so we’ve been perusing the ‘space needed’ ads the last few months and I’m honestly a little surprised we missed this guy.
I’ll betcha if I go sit down in the square in Arcata long enough he’ll eventually show up…
I’m from there too, and when I saw the location, I was hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. Lo and behold, I have seen him hanging outside Fabric Temptation, I believe more than once.
AreYouGoingToEatThatPickle
June 13, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Speaking of small town, I saw the “I’d rather be fucking” t-shirt guy walking down the street tonight. …this isn’t an especially small town, with 500,000+, but small enough that the weirdos still stand out.
My daughter camped in the bed of her pickup on a back road in Humboldt a few years back and woke up with a bear in her face. Maybe that could be why not.
Humboldt is, well…smelly. I think “smelly” and “filthy” really sum it up. But there’s a great donut/pizza shop by the square that is to die for! Literally, there’s a good chance some whacked out hobo will stab you if you hang out in the square.
Actually, I think we’re the last county in the country not to have a Wal-Mart, although I think it finally just got pushed through and we will have one soon.
I sure learn a lot on Etsy. That there is a difference between magic (Harry Potter) and scientifically confirmed real magick (the added k gives it an additional kick?!) Then there are faeries (who generally hide in your garden and fuck with you) and fairies (Disney creatures that look like sluts)
BO and cheap lunch meat, maybe, but not kale – I just saw some kale at the grocery store and there’s no way that guy can afford to eat it. Unless of course conjuring organic produce out of thin air is part of the scientifically-confirmed magick he has access to?
Quick, someone loan me a Rottweiler STAT! I own the shot gun, and live in an apartment where he will have a hard time magicking my mail out. I’m also COMPLETE prepared to pull my ‘greet the Jehovah witnesses’ trick and see if it works on Magick Mullet Men too!
Oh, c’mon! The guy is obviously legit! That shoulder tat and big nose indicate he’s a mage, and the wallet chain is only available to advanced magjickke users.
Like any real Magickian, I live in a shitty trailer, because Magick is not for personal gain. Witness my Magick Mullet, which helps me focus my Magickal Energies. Your first step will be to grow a Magickal Mullet of your own and to let me use your bathroom. Got any magazines?
I live in Humboldt and let me say–not every one of us is some gullible hippie dippie unbathed dirty dreads wearing freak. (I wonder why I’m single when that is the only pool of people I really have to choose from, but I don’t want to move–it’s really nice here!)
That being said, there are many of them here and I assure you, someone will take this ridiculous man in. In fact, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already had multiple offers. Sad to admit, he’s cleaner than a lot of the fellows you see around here.
Besides, people pick up hitch hikers all the time, it’s like a rite of passage.
Yeah I drove up to Humboldt this spring to visit some friends that just moved there. I absolutely loved it. Granted, it was like a crazy block of sunny, warm weather in April that probably helped But yeah, beautiful scenery, cute little towns, lots of breweries, chill people. Very nice.
Sadly, the meth problem is pretty much everywhere now. Even places I once lived or visited and remember fondly have changed for the worse. And once you have drugs, the gangs follow.
It was necessary for me to scream out loud in order to release the immense amount of inner tension and fear this post brought to me by forcing me to imagine this person parked on my lawn.
Come on, guys, cut the guy some slack: he’s offering Magick AND rent! That takes some hardcore humility to admit your majick isn’t worth the entire $250/month parking space rent. He obviously has a heart of gold.
…just as soon as he gets his disability check, he’ll get it to you. Has a box at the post office I’m sure. My husband had to deal with so many crazy, creepy, stinky people at the post office.
When the Salvation Army turned me away ‘no place for your type here’ and all that crap, they were willing to let me sleep on the sofa in the games room despite being out of beds. Not a bad bunch.
What “type” are you that the Salvation Army turned you away? I’d think they’d try to convert anyone. Perhaps it was the pentagram carved in your forehead? I’m not judging–YOU can really make that look work!
That’s why I no longer donate to their Christmas kettles. I doubt they’d want the tainted money of a woman who has a gay son and really likes his boyfriend.
And THAT’s why the Salvation Army gets none of my money in their little red buckets. I have literally told the bell-ringers “I won’t support a homophobic organization.” They don’t even get donations of my used books and clothes. All that goes to a shelter downtown where the meals come without a large side helping of “come to Jesus”.
AreYouGoingToEatThatPickle
June 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm
The SA doesn’t get any of my donations either, money or otherwise. My parents lived across the road (they’re in the country) from a multi-offense sex offender. Subsequently this creep went to the SA church and they vouched for him, saying he was changed, helping in his defense and getting him a suspended/weekend sentence. He didn’t have to be registered because of his new-found ‘Christian’ faith that they convinced the courts of. Bullshit.
Not to mention that one of the most unethical insurance brokers that I’ve worked with in my career was high up in the SA church. He turned my stomach at how corrupt he was and I eventually got ‘let go’ for refusing to follow his unethical demands. Oh well, thanks for the raise!
Yes, this. I’ve donated stuff to Habitat for Humanity (I wish their ReStore was a bit closer!) and the local SPCA thrift (from which I have purchased many cool things), but the SA can fuck right off. (The one in Davis, CA actually closed– one of the few charity stores there that I remember doing so. I think the residents basically told them where they could go.)
UNSUB . At first I liked the show Criminal Minds, now it’s just too scary for me to watch. Think serial killer. And the no shirt photos, those are so repulsive.
You must be from England. XD
Once a friend of mine from England told me there had been a bomb threat at the train station that day. I asked him if everyone went screaming and running for the exits. He said of course not, we’re English – we formed orderly queues.
I love that you felt the need to add that your home could not be put on wheels. And don’t you wish you could scream at people to STOP ACTING LIKE STERIOTYPES!!
Twenty years from now, this guy – sans van, sans teeth, but otherwise much the same – will be the kind of guy who tries to convince older single artist type women who have a home that he’s charmed and enchanted with them.
I’m 45. I’m single. I’m definitely the artist type. And I’m capable of keeping a decent roof over my head and the lights on, and I still have all my teeth.
All of which seems to make me a magnet for these types. I almost don’t dare go to street fairs or sit in indie coffee houses anymore, lest some wild-eyed, toothless Joe come up and tell me I must have been born under a fire sign, or that I have a powerful aura.
And my finely-honed man-repelling skills? Useless. I hate resorting to outright rudeness, but it’s the only thing that works.
My ex used to do that. He’d sit there at parties, strumming away, going for the Serious Musical Artist vibe, and not realize that his “original compositions” always morphed into The Joker by the Steve Miller Band.
I read his ad carefully. He just says ‘it’ has been scientifically confirmed ‘and’ magick is real. That ‘it’ could be anything, it could just be his need for a aplace to park his van.
about the same.
i’m pretty sure i am no longer related to him. or, rather, his hemidemisemiquaver-doppelgänger, something that almost makes me downright glow w/ glee.
Okay, it may be dumb to ask but I’m not a native speaker – I really don’t get how this sentence works gramatically, especially the lone “aren’t” at the end. Anyone care to explain?
The second “magic” is implied. A native speaker reads it as “Those who spell magic with a K aren’t magic.” In other words, if you spell it like that you’re a pretentious twit.
Nice wallet chain, Cap’n Awesome. I’m pretty sure you don’t need to keep that thing on lock-down.Trust me, no one wants your wallet OR the Subway sandwich card held preciously within.
I like how he’s gently pulling his shorts down, teasingly giving us a “hint o’ herpes”. You play your cards right, he’ll show you the whole train-wreck.
When I saw the thumbnail of that pic on the FB page, I thought he was nekkid and cursed April for not putting up a NSFW warning. I’m glad it’s merely NSFE (not safe for eyes). Well, not too glad, but you know what I mean.
That’s not his camper. It has Wyoming license plates. Where is the plaid shirt and baseball cap? He looks too douchebag and not enough redneck to be Wyoming. I know, I’ve been to Wyoming many times.
Maybe the plates weren’t his to begin with. He doesn’t strike me as the type to keep his tags up to date on a vehicle, or to even initially register it.
Large hairy dogs are sleeping on the plaid shirt inside the van. The baseball cap is perched on a quart measuring cup, being used as a filter. His old lady owns the van, and is planning on taking it back to Wyoming, alone, as soon as MagickMullet finds himself a new … parking space.
Oh, I feel so much better. I was terrified this was Humboldt, Tennessee, and we had another asshole making us look backwards and idiotic…like Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton and 3 6 Mafia.
I love that he’s trying for the “hey baby” face in his picture, and by love, I mean I’d rather eat my dog’s vomit. You know he’s going to take that phone and use it to peep through your windows and magick himself some fapping material.
I’m pretty sure I used to see that guy all the time at Denny’s with the 3AM crowd. Surrounded by empty creamer cups. No coffee in sight. Obviously performing magick.
In all seriousness this is standard fare in Humboldt. If you’re not doing weird shit in your van you’re obviously not achieving in the least.
The more I look at this picture, the more I’m sure I’ve had to deal with him at the food bank all the way up here in Orygone. Maybe he has a Magick delivery route: Cheyenne, Boise, Spokane, Seattle, Portland, Salem, Eugene, The Humboldt, Reno/Tahoe/Vegas and back around. Ack – I can’t help myself … the Magickal Mystery Driveway Tour of the PNW.. forgive me, please.
By “pay you some rent”, he means “furiously tug it directly in front of your picture window”. It’s a Humboldt thing…”Redwood” has a whole different connotation up there as well.
Magic… scientifically proven. I just read a paper about whimsickle faeries and connecting with the higher energies in PNAS, I believe. Or I might have been drunk, or high on the formalin fumes again.
If he’s willing to drive up to Shelton, WA my brother would probably let him park there. They could go cruisin’ for women together. I keep waiting to see my family on an episode of COPS.
With a hat and shirt his appearance is much improved. I mean, he still doesn’t look like someone I’d want anywhere near my property, but he looks much less malevolent.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am
Wow. That’s an interesting grift. Why doesn’t he magick himself a proper camp spot?
June 13, 2012 at 10:34 am
Dude. I live in Humboldt, and you wouldn’t believe how many people are looking for somewhere to park their van, bus, trailer, tent etc. We’ve got a room we were thinking of renting out so we’ve been perusing the ‘space needed’ ads the last few months and I’m honestly a little surprised we missed this guy.
I’ll betcha if I go sit down in the square in Arcata long enough he’ll eventually show up…
June 13, 2012 at 10:43 am
And I just figured out where I’ve seen this guy before! Waiting for burritos at Hey Juan’s in Arcata. LMAO, yeah. It’s a small town.
June 13, 2012 at 11:39 am
I’m from there too, and when I saw the location, I was hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. Lo and behold, I have seen him hanging outside Fabric Temptation, I believe more than once.
June 13, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Speaking of small town, I saw the “I’d rather be fucking” t-shirt guy walking down the street tonight. …this isn’t an especially small town, with 500,000+, but small enough that the weirdos still stand out.
June 13, 2012 at 10:53 am
Why dont they just park it on some back road somewhere? Or is it that they want to park it AND use your bathroom?
June 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm
My daughter camped in the bed of her pickup on a back road in Humboldt a few years back and woke up with a bear in her face. Maybe that could be why not.
June 14, 2012 at 8:24 am
The question is, was it a bear-bear or a sexual-deviant, BDSM bear?
…nevermind, forget I said anything.
June 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm
You’ll want to avoid any open air sleeping during hairy homosexual mating season, especially on the coasts.
June 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Park, use the bathroom, do a little ‘gardening’ you know. Normal stuff.
June 13, 2012 at 11:12 am
Weird. I have never heard of Humboldt or Arcada, and yet, just a couple hours before this was posted, a friend of mine posted this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=BGpEXKgU20A
Is Arcada pulling some publicity stunts or something
June 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm
You obviously don’t smoke pot.
June 13, 2012 at 5:42 pm
I’m from Canada. If I did smoke pot, it would be from Salt Spring Island and would probably be way better than yours
June 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm
*Arcata. And what Dark&twisty said. ^.^
June 13, 2012 at 7:09 pm
If you haven’t heard of Humboldt, you cannot possibly be a pot smoker. They just go together, like Disney and Mouseketeers.
June 13, 2012 at 7:46 pm
I’m guessing ‘Humboldt” is like our BC, Gen. …and you’re right, nothing beats good old northern lignt!
June 14, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Humboldt is, well…smelly. I think “smelly” and “filthy” really sum it up. But there’s a great donut/pizza shop by the square that is to die for! Literally, there’s a good chance some whacked out hobo will stab you if you hang out in the square.
June 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm
Don’t y’all have Wal-Marts there?? That’s where the people who are “camping” park around here…
June 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm
Actually, I think we’re the last county in the country not to have a Wal-Mart, although I think it finally just got pushed through and we will have one soon.
June 14, 2012 at 11:01 am
Darkandtwisty, how did you not know about the Wal-Mart grand opening yesterday at the mall? Old Gottchalks!
June 13, 2012 at 5:20 pm
I think my husband was in the Navy with this guy. Last we heard, he was in Palmdale, so it’s possible it’s the same guy.
If it is, whoever takes him up on his offer is gonna have to call the police to get rid of him.
June 13, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Ohh, Sailor trouble.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am
I can’t be the only one who glanced at the photo and saw Buffalo Bill…
June 13, 2012 at 9:47 am
Yes, maybe he can teach you the magickal trick of tucking genitals?
June 13, 2012 at 9:59 am
I saw a young James Hetfield.
June 13, 2012 at 10:09 am
i saw my third husband w/ a beard–kind of the low rent james hetfield, if you will–so everyone who didnt is, believe me, lucky.
June 13, 2012 at 11:12 am
Brother-in-Law
June 13, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Neighbor.
June 13, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Guy on the couch.
June 14, 2012 at 9:40 am
The guy who tried to roofie my drink.
June 13, 2012 at 10:30 am
I sure learn a lot on Etsy. That there is a difference between magic (Harry Potter) and scientifically confirmed real magick (the added k gives it an additional kick?!) Then there are faeries (who generally hide in your garden and fuck with you) and fairies (Disney creatures that look like sluts)
Bet this guy smells of BO and kale.
June 14, 2012 at 8:05 pm
BO and cheap lunch meat, maybe, but not kale – I just saw some kale at the grocery store and there’s no way that guy can afford to eat it. Unless of course conjuring organic produce out of thin air is part of the scientifically-confirmed magick he has access to?
June 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm
I saw Bill Maher. In a mullet. Guess HBO doesn’t pay so well.
June 13, 2012 at 10:14 am
IT RUBS THE MAGICK ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
June 13, 2012 at 8:03 pm
Vork! (it’s the van)
June 14, 2012 at 4:02 am
Wait a minute. The Wild West Show guy or the “Silence of the Lambs” guy? Both?
June 14, 2012 at 5:04 pm
I saw a walking petri dish.
June 17, 2012 at 5:25 pm
My first thought was wow, Will Ferrell’s let himself go…
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am
It’s been a while since I had any action…but HELL NO I am not that desperate.
June 13, 2012 at 10:00 am
Maybe if he magicked himself up some cream relaxer, a silkwood shower, and some valtrex?
June 13, 2012 at 6:41 pm
And a highly effective abortion spell. It’s always the dirtbags who seem to have the supersperm.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am
There’s also the “Credit card and bank statements disappearing from the mailbox” trick, and possibly the “Impregnated teenage daughter” trick.
June 13, 2012 at 9:46 am
…and the gloriously alchemickal potion-o-graphic incantation that turns Sudafed into missing teeth and jail time.
June 13, 2012 at 9:57 am
I din’t know magick was used to make meth…then again I also didn’t know magick was spelled with a k…
June 13, 2012 at 10:17 am
It”s the kind of magick thatbyou smoke with a pipe.
Anybody else out there know Pootie Tang? Anybody?
June 13, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Sa da tay, ma damie.
June 13, 2012 at 5:22 pm
I’mma sine yo’ pitty to the runny kine!
June 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Seppatown!
June 13, 2012 at 10:20 am
Magick is the new wombyn.
June 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm
The k is for ketamine.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am
I love that the van is labeled “VAN.” Just in case he forgets what he’s supposed to call his molestomobile.
June 13, 2012 at 9:58 am
I beleive that is a shortened nickname for “windowless rape Van”
June 13, 2012 at 9:34 am
Hahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhh!
*attempts to stifle laughter*
Will I also learn the secrets of that sweet curly mullet?
June 13, 2012 at 9:37 am
It’s an afrullet, and you can’t learn those secrets, you’re just born with them.
June 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Looks like it won’t be long before he’s rocking a skullet.
June 13, 2012 at 9:34 am
Is it bad that I really want somebody to give this guy a place to park and then report back?
Not me, though. Preferably somebody with a rottweiler and a shotgun.
June 13, 2012 at 9:41 am
Quick, someone loan me a Rottweiler STAT! I own the shot gun, and live in an apartment where he will have a hard time magicking my mail out. I’m also COMPLETE prepared to pull my ‘greet the Jehovah witnesses’ trick and see if it works on Magick Mullet Men too!
June 13, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Oooh, is it the Jenna Marbles trick?? Cuz that totally works.
June 13, 2012 at 10:55 am
ShitTheGuyInTheVanOnMyDrivewayDoes.tumblr.com
June 13, 2012 at 5:23 pm
I’d read the hell out of that feed.
June 13, 2012 at 6:26 pm
THIS IS WHY I MAILED IT TO HELEN. I want someone who is totally not me to give him some space and record everything. Reporting like a badass.
June 13, 2012 at 9:35 am
HAWT!! What’s his number? My husband won’t mind. I love his afrullet.
June 13, 2012 at 9:37 am
“Afrullet” is my new word of the day.
June 13, 2012 at 9:35 am
Oh, c’mon! The guy is obviously legit! That shoulder tat and big nose indicate he’s a mage, and the wallet chain is only available to advanced magjickke users.
June 13, 2012 at 9:37 am
I don’t know any mages but MY big nose indicate I’m a Jew…
June 13, 2012 at 10:53 am
Do you have a J’mullet? Just kidding…where I’m from we call it a Jew ‘fro. Which is probably a hate crime in at least four states.
June 13, 2012 at 7:18 pm
My friend Noah used to refer to his as a Hebro.
June 13, 2012 at 11:17 pm
I *love* this term!
June 13, 2012 at 7:22 pm
oh my gosh no… no mullet… I’m gay, after all, and not a hipster. I did have a blue frohawk but now it’s a nice short daddy bear cut.
June 14, 2012 at 2:01 am
Yeah, all my Jewish friends call it a Jewfro.
June 14, 2012 at 2:11 am
I don’t understand the need for a shirtless photo on an ad looking for a place to park his van, unless “pay you some rent” is a euphemism.
June 14, 2012 at 2:12 am
Ok, that was not supposed to be a reply to this.
June 13, 2012 at 10:25 am
Yeah, but something tells me that his Magick Missiles come with a shot of penicillin.
June 13, 2012 at 10:43 am
-SHOULD-
His magick missles should come with a shot of penicillin.
June 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm
And a hepatitis vaccine.
June 13, 2012 at 9:35 am
The magick of chlamydia.
June 13, 2012 at 9:35 am
He just moved the tools to a pawn shop…ahem..I mean secure location, while he sets up the meth lab.
June 13, 2012 at 6:23 pm
It’s not meth. It’s magick dust.
June 13, 2012 at 9:36 am
Is this Humboldt, California? I do not think he will have any problem finding takers on that offer.
Oh, and you missed one more very important bit of Magick: The Making-My-Stash-Disappear-in-One-Day trick.
June 13, 2012 at 9:36 am
Like any real Magickian, I live in a shitty trailer, because Magick is not for personal gain. Witness my Magick Mullet, which helps me focus my Magickal Energies. Your first step will be to grow a Magickal Mullet of your own and to let me use your bathroom. Got any magazines?
June 13, 2012 at 9:37 am
At a quick glance I thought I saw Carrot Top. A double-take has never bought so much relief.
June 13, 2012 at 9:40 am
I think he may convince me not believe in science anymore.
June 13, 2012 at 7:54 pm
He *does* seem to be evidence against evolution.
June 13, 2012 at 9:41 am
I live in Humboldt and let me say–not every one of us is some gullible hippie dippie unbathed dirty dreads wearing freak. (I wonder why I’m single when that is the only pool of people I really have to choose from, but I don’t want to move–it’s really nice here!)
That being said, there are many of them here and I assure you, someone will take this ridiculous man in. In fact, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already had multiple offers. Sad to admit, he’s cleaner than a lot of the fellows you see around here.
Besides, people pick up hitch hikers all the time, it’s like a rite of passage.
June 13, 2012 at 10:58 am
Yeah I drove up to Humboldt this spring to visit some friends that just moved there. I absolutely loved it. Granted, it was like a crazy block of sunny, warm weather in April that probably helped
But yeah, beautiful scenery, cute little towns, lots of breweries, chill people. Very nice.
June 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm
You forgot crippling meth problem
June 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm
Yeah, well, there are plenty of less-awesome places I’ve seen that also have big meth problems :/
June 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Just like every other “rural” area in the US.
June 13, 2012 at 7:19 pm
The crippling meth problem is, sadly, everywhere.
June 14, 2012 at 9:39 am
Sadly, the meth problem is pretty much everywhere now. Even places I once lived or visited and remember fondly have changed for the worse. And once you have drugs, the gangs follow.
June 13, 2012 at 9:41 am
I like the gas station restroom glamour shot. The subway tile really offsets his aura.
This cat’s smile is a zillion times more creepy than Doug Henning’s.
June 13, 2012 at 10:17 am
THAT’S who he reminded me of. I couldn’t think of the name. Thanks! I think.
June 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm
Give him some rainbow suspenders, a mustache, and a divorce from Barbara DiAngeles, and you have his blond twin.
June 13, 2012 at 7:20 pm
But does he have Doug’s amazing buck teeth?
June 14, 2012 at 9:41 am
They’re MAAAAAAAGICK!
June 13, 2012 at 9:42 am
Buffalo Bill-style human skin pant suit not included.
June 13, 2012 at 9:45 am
it puts the lotion on the skin…
June 13, 2012 at 9:42 am
It was necessary for me to scream out loud in order to release the immense amount of inner tension and fear this post brought to me by forcing me to imagine this person parked on my lawn.
June 13, 2012 at 10:16 am
Now imagine him naked and passed out on you porch, I’ll wait.
June 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm
… I think you broke Critic.
June 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm
If not, imagine him naked and passed out in yer bathroom. We’re all waiting.
June 14, 2012 at 9:59 am
Just another day in Syracuse.
June 13, 2012 at 9:43 am
Because apparently you need a freeloader in your driveway to get drunk, high, and bark at the moon.
“no officer, we’re not stoned, we’re conjuring a new set of tires for the van.”
June 13, 2012 at 9:43 am
is it just me or does his beard look a little “cummy”?
June 13, 2012 at 10:15 am
You like the flavor-saver?
June 13, 2012 at 10:15 am
Come here and smell my beard!
June 13, 2012 at 9:46 am
Mange-ick seems more like his skill set.
June 13, 2012 at 9:51 am
Come on, guys, cut the guy some slack: he’s offering Magick AND rent! That takes some hardcore humility to admit your majick isn’t worth the entire $250/month parking space rent. He obviously has a heart of gold.
June 13, 2012 at 9:57 am
Come on, guys, cut the guy some slack: he’s offering Magick AND rent!
I wonder if the rent will be paid in Magick Money? It’s cloaked in a powerful invisibility spell, and can only be seen on blue moons on a leap year.
June 13, 2012 at 9:52 am
This guy totally reminds me of Vork from “The Guild.” I wonder if he drives around for wi-fi.
June 13, 2012 at 10:00 am
I am really surprised that he actually offers to pay some sort of rent…
June 13, 2012 at 10:14 am
The worrisome part is he doesn’t define what sort of rent he has in mind.
June 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I like that he used caps for the word “and”. Like someone perusing the ad will skim past if that AND was not there.
June 13, 2012 at 8:53 pm
…just as soon as he gets his disability check, he’ll get it to you. Has a box at the post office I’m sure. My husband had to deal with so many crazy, creepy, stinky people at the post office.
June 13, 2012 at 10:01 am
It looks like he took that picture in the bathroom of the YMCA.
June 13, 2012 at 10:07 am
There are worse places than a YMCA hostel…
When the Salvation Army turned me away ‘no place for your type here’ and all that crap, they were willing to let me sleep on the sofa in the games room despite being out of beds. Not a bad bunch.
June 13, 2012 at 10:19 am
What “type” are you that the Salvation Army turned you away? I’d think they’d try to convert anyone. Perhaps it was the pentagram carved in your forehead? I’m not judging–YOU can really make that look work!
June 13, 2012 at 10:24 am
The type with a boyfriend in hand. Magickly makes even them shut the door with a stern look and the ultimate passive-aggressive promise of prayers.
June 13, 2012 at 10:32 am
What kind, non-judgmental, Christ-like Christians they are.
June 13, 2012 at 10:41 am
Years later, and my boyfriend is considering making ‘I’ll pray for you’ cross stitch samplers, in comic-sans.
June 13, 2012 at 10:45 am
Ha!
June 13, 2012 at 8:20 pm
That’s why I no longer donate to their Christmas kettles. I doubt they’d want the tainted money of a woman who has a gay son and really likes his boyfriend.
June 13, 2012 at 11:14 am
And THAT’s why the Salvation Army gets none of my money in their little red buckets. I have literally told the bell-ringers “I won’t support a homophobic organization.” They don’t even get donations of my used books and clothes. All that goes to a shelter downtown where the meals come without a large side helping of “come to Jesus”.
June 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm
The SA doesn’t get any of my donations either, money or otherwise. My parents lived across the road (they’re in the country) from a multi-offense sex offender. Subsequently this creep went to the SA church and they vouched for him, saying he was changed, helping in his defense and getting him a suspended/weekend sentence. He didn’t have to be registered because of his new-found ‘Christian’ faith that they convinced the courts of. Bullshit.
Not to mention that one of the most unethical insurance brokers that I’ve worked with in my career was high up in the SA church. He turned my stomach at how corrupt he was and I eventually got ‘let go’ for refusing to follow his unethical demands. Oh well, thanks for the raise!
June 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Yes, this. I’ve donated stuff to Habitat for Humanity (I wish their ReStore was a bit closer!) and the local SPCA thrift (from which I have purchased many cool things), but the SA can fuck right off. (The one in Davis, CA actually closed– one of the few charity stores there that I remember doing so. I think the residents basically told them where they could go.)
June 13, 2012 at 11:21 am
And what part of him was in your hand when you went in asking for a room?
June 14, 2012 at 10:18 am
Only one of his hands. The bastard was nervous.
June 13, 2012 at 10:44 am
When I saw that pic my mind went immediately to that scene in Monster where Charlize is giving herself a trucker shower. *Shudder*
June 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm
What’s a trucker shower? I’m too scared to google terms I’ve heard on Regretsy.
June 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm
It’s safer to check Urban Dictionary. Just a little safer, mind you.
June 13, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
June 13, 2012 at 10:06 am
The only place he ought to be allowed to park that van is down by the river.
June 13, 2012 at 10:13 am
Let me assure you, he can work with that.
June 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm
Yeah, we’ve got six here he can easily get to.
June 13, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Plus one for the Chris Farley ref.
June 13, 2012 at 6:29 pm
Chris Farley didn’t die. He just magicked himself into a rangy bemulleted burnout.
June 13, 2012 at 10:10 am
Dear creepy dude from Casper, Wyoming:
Stop making the rest of us look normal. We worked long and hard to be the weirdos no one is quite sure what to do about.
Sincerely,
The other 500,000 residents
June 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm
^THIS! As soon as I saw the buckin’ bronc on the license plate I knew I would not be shocked by anything that followed.
HERE WE GO WYO
June 13, 2012 at 9:05 pm
UNSUB . At first I liked the show Criminal Minds, now it’s just too scary for me to watch. Think serial killer. And the no shirt photos, those are so repulsive.
June 13, 2012 at 10:11 am
Form an orderly queue, ladies (and gents).
June 13, 2012 at 8:51 pm
You must be from England. XD
Once a friend of mine from England told me there had been a bomb threat at the train station that day. I asked him if everyone went screaming and running for the exits. He said of course not, we’re English – we formed orderly queues.
June 13, 2012 at 10:12 am
Little Norman got sick of cousin Brian and threw his ass out of his backyard again. Why can’t my family all just get along?
June 13, 2012 at 10:13 am
I don’t know…there’s a pagan couple in Tennessee who might need a roommate, maybe we should pass on the info??? Anyone???
June 13, 2012 at 10:31 am
I’m sure those Pagans need a PAYING roommmate.
June 13, 2012 at 10:34 am
That was my very first thought. Do you think he has enough room in there for all the Fire Mountain Beads and tea lights?
June 13, 2012 at 10:19 am
Bullshit.
If he really knew magick he’d have already disappeared that dead poodle off his head.
June 13, 2012 at 10:23 am
That’s his familiar.
June 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm
He calls it “Captain Kirk”.
June 13, 2012 at 6:38 pm
that’s the trouble with tribbles.
June 13, 2012 at 8:53 pm
Gives a whole new meaning to “Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain. Why is he climbing a mountain?”
June 13, 2012 at 10:33 am
I just want to put this out there, that not all Pagans are flaky. Some of us have jobs and houses that aren’t on wheels, and can’t be put on wheels.
June 13, 2012 at 10:47 am
Well the Christians get the Duggars and the WBC, and we get … rape-o-mullet there.
June 13, 2012 at 10:51 am
I love that you felt the need to add that your home could not be put on wheels. And don’t you wish you could scream at people to STOP ACTING LIKE STERIOTYPES!!
June 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm
And some of us have houses that ARE on wheels, but it just means that we’re doing the best we can for our families with what we have.
Seriously, why would anyone give a flying fuck about whether a house was wheeled onto a site or built there?
June 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm
Especially since Airstreams are so frakking expensive. I’d totally set up my shop in one if I could.
June 13, 2012 at 10:43 am
Twenty years from now, this guy – sans van, sans teeth, but otherwise much the same – will be the kind of guy who tries to convince older single artist type women who have a home that he’s charmed and enchanted with them.
Trust me. Three within the last year.
Just.say.no.
June 13, 2012 at 10:58 am
Thanks for the warning!
June 13, 2012 at 11:00 am
I want to hear these stories!
June 13, 2012 at 11:28 am
No,you don’t.
June 13, 2012 at 11:30 am
I hear ya, honey.
June 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Oh, god–you too?
I’m 45. I’m single. I’m definitely the artist type. And I’m capable of keeping a decent roof over my head and the lights on, and I still have all my teeth.
All of which seems to make me a magnet for these types. I almost don’t dare go to street fairs or sit in indie coffee houses anymore, lest some wild-eyed, toothless Joe come up and tell me I must have been born under a fire sign, or that I have a powerful aura.
And my finely-honed man-repelling skills? Useless. I hate resorting to outright rudeness, but it’s the only thing that works.
June 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm
After 50, drooling and giggling insanely seems to work pretty well.
June 13, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Would saying “I’m a fucking force of nature, honey. Now fuck off!” be too rude?
June 13, 2012 at 12:58 pm
You say “sans teeth in twenty years. Yet I think he is “sans teeth” now.
June 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm
I bet he plays guitar and feels the need to bring it everywhere he goes too.
June 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm
My ex used to do that. He’d sit there at parties, strumming away, going for the Serious Musical Artist vibe, and not realize that his “original compositions” always morphed into The Joker by the Steve Miller Band.
June 15, 2012 at 10:53 am
How else would he play the song he just wrote about you?
June 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm
My next door neighbour is a bohemian 87-year-old woman who lived in Paris in the 50s and used to fall in love with poets.
She told me her advice to her younger self would be to say them: “Show me your bank account, little boy.”
June 13, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Your neighbor is fucking awesome.
June 13, 2012 at 7:43 pm
I’m going to have to rely on my army of cats to deal with those types if I manage to outlive my husband.
June 13, 2012 at 11:08 am
He got the ick part right
June 13, 2012 at 11:08 am
My Son attends Humboldt State and you would not believe some of the stories he tells. Ain’t no place prettier than Humboldt to park your van!
June 13, 2012 at 11:44 am
Scientifically confirmed! I must’ve missed reading that paper.
June 13, 2012 at 11:51 am
I read his ad carefully. He just says ‘it’ has been scientifically confirmed ‘and’ magick is real. That ‘it’ could be anything, it could just be his need for a aplace to park his van.
June 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm
The “it” is chlamydia.
June 13, 2012 at 11:49 am
What a deal. Magick taught to me by this obviously completely legit man, plus some money for rent, and I bet he’ll barely touch me in my sleep at all!
June 13, 2012 at 12:00 pm
C’mon, touching himself in his sleep has probably lost its magick.
June 13, 2012 at 12:01 pm
You wake up the next day to a missing purse and a sticky back…
June 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm
A sticky, sore-infested back. Because come on, look at is smug douchebag face. I pretty much got Chlamydia just from his picture.
June 13, 2012 at 12:53 pm
It’s all fun and games until someone is standing in line at the free clinic.
June 13, 2012 at 11:50 am
I’m surprised I’m not related to him.
That’s bad, isn’t it?
June 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Are you sure you’re not? Sounds like he gets around
June 13, 2012 at 1:02 pm
If he was a member of my family he would require that your pay for the magick lessons with twelve packs and bad decisions.
June 13, 2012 at 12:10 pm
I’m pretty sure I am related to him, is that worse, or better?
June 13, 2012 at 8:27 pm
about the same.
i’m pretty sure i am no longer related to him. or, rather, his hemidemisemiquaver-doppelgänger, something that almost makes me downright glow w/ glee.
June 13, 2012 at 12:14 pm
June 13, 2012 at 12:37 pm
That is fucking beautiful. But we need a counterspell.
June 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Quick, play Home Owners Association! It makes all Lord of Humboldts get evicted!
June 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Yes, but if you put Home Owners Association into play it’s going to require upkeep every turn and restrict what you can do with your land.
June 13, 2012 at 6:34 pm
This card makes me cry salty sad tears.
June 13, 2012 at 8:48 pm
2 mana?
Doo Doo dee do Doo….
June 13, 2012 at 12:37 pm
“Those who spell Magic with a K aren’t.”
― Anton LaVey
June 13, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Okay, it may be dumb to ask but I’m not a native speaker – I really don’t get how this sentence works gramatically, especially the lone “aren’t” at the end. Anyone care to explain?
June 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm
The second “magic” is implied. A native speaker reads it as “Those who spell magic with a K aren’t magic.” In other words, if you spell it like that you’re a pretentious twit.
June 13, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Thanks, that’s what I thought
It still sounds really odd to me with “aren’t” implying a noun but I guess that’s intentional 
June 13, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Anton LaVey would know all about pretentious twits, yeah?
June 13, 2012 at 7:47 pm
I was going to mention that…
June 14, 2012 at 9:39 am
Yeah I’d have to agree with that one too.
June 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm
That van must be like a TARDIS. Look at the size of that bathroom in his glamour shot.
June 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm
Dr. Wheeeeew
June 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Nice wallet chain, Cap’n Awesome. I’m pretty sure you don’t need to keep that thing on lock-down.Trust me, no one wants your wallet OR the Subway sandwich card held preciously within.
June 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Wallet? Silly you. The chain is so he doesn’t lose his meth pipe.
June 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Oh…Humboldt sounds so exotic! I take it that “meth” is some sort of aromatic tobacco?
June 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm
I like how he’s gently pulling his shorts down, teasingly giving us a “hint o’ herpes”. You play your cards right, he’ll show you the whole train-wreck.
June 13, 2012 at 6:33 pm
When I saw the thumbnail of that pic on the FB page, I thought he was nekkid and cursed April for not putting up a NSFW warning. I’m glad it’s merely NSFE (not safe for eyes). Well, not too glad, but you know what I mean.
June 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Wouldn’t surprise me if this guy pops up in a FamilyWatchdog.com search.
June 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Wouldn’t surprise me if he eventually shows up in all our driveways.
June 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm
His hairdo is called the “Amber Alert”.
June 13, 2012 at 3:35 pm
I had to do a double take when I thought ‘Dear God! Is that my uncle?!?’
June 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Where I live the pikeys don’t have the decency to have the entertainment value of hippies. I want to learn magiK too
June 14, 2012 at 9:40 am
Just leaving you some username love.
June 13, 2012 at 4:12 pm
The magick of invisibility! In this lesson, we’ll learn how to use darkness and garden foliage to watch the neighbor-lady undress.
June 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm
That’s not his camper. It has Wyoming license plates. Where is the plaid shirt and baseball cap? He looks too douchebag and not enough redneck to be Wyoming. I know, I’ve been to Wyoming many times.
June 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm
Maybe the plates weren’t his to begin with. He doesn’t strike me as the type to keep his tags up to date on a vehicle, or to even initially register it.
June 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm
Large hairy dogs are sleeping on the plaid shirt inside the van. The baseball cap is perched on a quart measuring cup, being used as a filter. His old lady owns the van, and is planning on taking it back to Wyoming, alone, as soon as MagickMullet finds himself a new … parking space.
June 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm
He’s from Casper, though. That’s douchebag central for Wyoming. Especially the magickal douchebags who live in vans.
June 13, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Does this guy teach you the “hide the salami” spell?
This guy does look similar to a guy I have seen in Dagorhir though.
June 13, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 13, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I love that he’s trying for the “hey baby” face in his picture, and by love, I mean I’d rather eat my dog’s vomit. You know he’s going to take that phone and use it to peep through your windows and magick himself some fapping material.
June 13, 2012 at 7:19 pm
He really needs a cigarette dangling from his lips to complete the look.
June 13, 2012 at 7:39 pm
I don’t know guys, seems legit to me. I always wondered what happened to the wizard from Dragonslayer.
June 13, 2012 at 8:49 pm
I’m pretty sure I used to see that guy all the time at Denny’s with the 3AM crowd. Surrounded by empty creamer cups. No coffee in sight. Obviously performing magick.
In all seriousness this is standard fare in Humboldt. If you’re not doing weird shit in your van you’re obviously not achieving in the least.
June 13, 2012 at 11:00 pm
The more I look at this picture, the more I’m sure I’ve had to deal with him at the food bank all the way up here in Orygone. Maybe he has a Magick delivery route: Cheyenne, Boise, Spokane, Seattle, Portland, Salem, Eugene, The Humboldt, Reno/Tahoe/Vegas and back around. Ack – I can’t help myself … the Magickal Mystery Driveway Tour of the PNW.. forgive me, please.
June 13, 2012 at 11:41 pm
it may be time to start thinking about your life choices when u are living in some old RV and are still trying to work the mullet look
June 14, 2012 at 2:12 am
I don’t understand the need for a shirtless photo on an ad looking for a place to park his van, unless “pay you some rent” is a euphemism.
June 14, 2012 at 5:19 am
“Now where’s my least creepy photo…ah, that’ll do ‘er.”
June 14, 2012 at 7:57 am
By “pay you some rent”, he means “furiously tug it directly in front of your picture window”. It’s a Humboldt thing…”Redwood” has a whole different connotation up there as well.
June 14, 2012 at 5:30 am
Magic… scientifically proven. I just read a paper about whimsickle faeries and connecting with the higher energies in PNAS, I believe. Or I might have been drunk, or high on the formalin fumes again.
June 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Well, my biochem professor DID mention that not all PNAS articles are truly peer reviewed (there is a loophole of sorts…)
June 14, 2012 at 10:00 am
If he’s willing to drive up to Shelton, WA my brother would probably let him park there. They could go cruisin’ for women together. I keep waiting to see my family on an episode of COPS.
June 14, 2012 at 10:02 am
So NOT magically delicious.
June 14, 2012 at 10:23 am
Is this Dog the Bounty Hunter’s scrawny cousin?
June 14, 2012 at 11:54 am
Yup, it’s “Doug the Booty Hunter”.
June 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Marry me?
June 15, 2012 at 8:47 am
I’m married to the sea….oh, and my wife.
June 14, 2012 at 11:22 am
He’s upped the offer!
http://humboldt.craigslist.org/sbw/3057675017.html
June 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Looks like he also added a bonus photo of himself actually wearing a shirt, in a cheap motel room it looks like.
June 14, 2012 at 2:03 pm
What, no more “magick?” Way to stand by your convictions.
But seriously, the combination of SSI and “Green Wizard” made me nearly snarfle my V8.
June 14, 2012 at 2:20 pm
criscrossing the country in his van, wooing unsuspecting women and then they end up like Shelly Winters in ‘Night of the Hunter’.
June 14, 2012 at 6:53 pm
With a hat and shirt his appearance is much improved. I mean, he still doesn’t look like someone I’d want anywhere near my property, but he looks much less malevolent.
June 14, 2012 at 9:56 pm
Oh look, he has a drum set too! That makes it so much better.
June 15, 2012 at 8:49 am
That’s so he can do his own rimshots when he tells you his terrible Renaissance Faire/Middle Earth jokes.
June 15, 2012 at 5:54 pm
And as a bonus, the sticks double as magick wands!
June 25, 2012 at 9:38 pm
Is that a swaztika shaved into his gut-hair?
November 15, 2012 at 10:40 am
Isn’t that Varga of “Love Train” and “Shave My Gorilla” fame?