- Click here if you have some room in yer driveway for me and the old lady
Wow. That’s an interesting grift. Why doesn’t he magick himself a proper camp spot?
Dude. I live in Humboldt, and you wouldn’t believe how many people are looking for somewhere to park their van, bus, trailer, tent etc. We’ve got a room we were thinking of renting out so we’ve been perusing the ‘space needed’ ads the last few months and I’m honestly a little surprised we missed this guy.
I’ll betcha if I go sit down in the square in Arcata long enough he’ll eventually show up…
And I just figured out where I’ve seen this guy before! Waiting for burritos at Hey Juan’s in Arcata. LMAO, yeah. It’s a small town.
I’m from there too, and when I saw the location, I was hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. Lo and behold, I have seen him hanging outside Fabric Temptation, I believe more than once.
Speaking of small town, I saw the “I’d rather be fucking” t-shirt guy walking down the street tonight. …this isn’t an especially small town, with 500,000+, but small enough that the weirdos still stand out.
Why dont they just park it on some back road somewhere? Or is it that they want to park it AND use your bathroom?
My daughter camped in the bed of her pickup on a back road in Humboldt a few years back and woke up with a bear in her face. Maybe that could be why not.
The question is, was it a bear-bear or a sexual-deviant, BDSM bear?
…nevermind, forget I said anything.
You’ll want to avoid any open air sleeping during hairy homosexual mating season, especially on the coasts.
Park, use the bathroom, do a little ‘gardening’ you know. Normal stuff.
Weird. I have never heard of Humboldt or Arcada, and yet, just a couple hours before this was posted, a friend of mine posted this video:
Is Arcada pulling some publicity stunts or something
You obviously don’t smoke pot.
I’m from Canada. If I did smoke pot, it would be from Salt Spring Island and would probably be way better than yours
*Arcata. And what Dark&twisty said. ^.^
If you haven’t heard of Humboldt, you cannot possibly be a pot smoker. They just go together, like Disney and Mouseketeers.
I’m guessing ‘Humboldt” is like our BC, Gen. …and you’re right, nothing beats good old northern lignt!
Humboldt is, well…smelly. I think “smelly” and “filthy” really sum it up. But there’s a great donut/pizza shop by the square that is to die for! Literally, there’s a good chance some whacked out hobo will stab you if you hang out in the square.
Don’t y’all have Wal-Marts there?? That’s where the people who are “camping” park around here…
Actually, I think we’re the last county in the country not to have a Wal-Mart, although I think it finally just got pushed through and we will have one soon.
Darkandtwisty, how did you not know about the Wal-Mart grand opening yesterday at the mall? Old Gottchalks!
I think my husband was in the Navy with this guy. Last we heard, he was in Palmdale, so it’s possible it’s the same guy.
If it is, whoever takes him up on his offer is gonna have to call the police to get rid of him.
Ohh, Sailor trouble.
I can’t be the only one who glanced at the photo and saw Buffalo Bill…
Yes, maybe he can teach you the magickal trick of tucking genitals?
I saw a young James Hetfield.
i saw my third husband w/ a beard–kind of the low rent james hetfield, if you will–so everyone who didnt is, believe me, lucky.
Guy on the couch.
The guy who tried to roofie my drink.
I sure learn a lot on Etsy. That there is a difference between magic (Harry Potter) and scientifically confirmed real magick (the added k gives it an additional kick?!) Then there are faeries (who generally hide in your garden and fuck with you) and fairies (Disney creatures that look like sluts)
Bet this guy smells of BO and kale.
BO and cheap lunch meat, maybe, but not kale – I just saw some kale at the grocery store and there’s no way that guy can afford to eat it. Unless of course conjuring organic produce out of thin air is part of the scientifically-confirmed magick he has access to?
I saw Bill Maher. In a mullet. Guess HBO doesn’t pay so well.
IT RUBS THE MAGICK ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Vork! (it’s the van)
Wait a minute. The Wild West Show guy or the “Silence of the Lambs” guy? Both?
I saw a walking petri dish.
My first thought was wow, Will Ferrell’s let himself go…
It’s been a while since I had any action…but HELL NO I am not that desperate.
Maybe if he magicked himself up some cream relaxer, a silkwood shower, and some valtrex?
And a highly effective abortion spell. It’s always the dirtbags who seem to have the supersperm.
There’s also the “Credit card and bank statements disappearing from the mailbox” trick, and possibly the “Impregnated teenage daughter” trick.
…and the gloriously alchemickal potion-o-graphic incantation that turns Sudafed into missing teeth and jail time.
I din’t know magick was used to make meth…then again I also didn’t know magick was spelled with a k…
It”s the kind of magick thatbyou smoke with a pipe.
Anybody else out there know Pootie Tang? Anybody?
Sa da tay, ma damie.
I’mma sine yo’ pitty to the runny kine!
Magick is the new wombyn.
The k is for ketamine.
I love that the van is labeled “VAN.” Just in case he forgets what he’s supposed to call his molestomobile.
I beleive that is a shortened nickname for “windowless rape Van”
*attempts to stifle laughter*
Will I also learn the secrets of that sweet curly mullet?
It’s an afrullet, and you can’t learn those secrets, you’re just born with them.
Looks like it won’t be long before he’s rocking a skullet.
Is it bad that I really want somebody to give this guy a place to park and then report back?
Not me, though. Preferably somebody with a rottweiler and a shotgun.
Quick, someone loan me a Rottweiler STAT! I own the shot gun, and live in an apartment where he will have a hard time magicking my mail out. I’m also COMPLETE prepared to pull my ‘greet the Jehovah witnesses’ trick and see if it works on Magick Mullet Men too!
Oooh, is it the Jenna Marbles trick?? Cuz that totally works.
I’d read the hell out of that feed.
THIS IS WHY I MAILED IT TO HELEN. I want someone who is totally not me to give him some space and record everything. Reporting like a badass.
HAWT!! What’s his number? My husband won’t mind. I love his afrullet.
“Afrullet” is my new word of the day.
Oh, c’mon! The guy is obviously legit! That shoulder tat and big nose indicate he’s a mage, and the wallet chain is only available to advanced magjickke users.
I don’t know any mages but MY big nose indicate I’m a Jew…
Do you have a J’mullet? Just kidding…where I’m from we call it a Jew ‘fro. Which is probably a hate crime in at least four states.
My friend Noah used to refer to his as a Hebro.
I *love* this term!
oh my gosh no… no mullet… I’m gay, after all, and not a hipster. I did have a blue frohawk but now it’s a nice short daddy bear cut.
Yeah, all my Jewish friends call it a Jewfro.
I don’t understand the need for a shirtless photo on an ad looking for a place to park his van, unless “pay you some rent” is a euphemism.
Ok, that was not supposed to be a reply to this.
Yeah, but something tells me that his Magick Missiles come with a shot of penicillin.
His magick missles should come with a shot of penicillin.
And a hepatitis vaccine.
The magick of chlamydia.
He just moved the tools to a pawn shop…ahem..I mean secure location, while he sets up the meth lab.
It’s not meth. It’s magick dust.
Is this Humboldt, California? I do not think he will have any problem finding takers on that offer.
Oh, and you missed one more very important bit of Magick: The Making-My-Stash-Disappear-in-One-Day trick.
Like any real Magickian, I live in a shitty trailer, because Magick is not for personal gain. Witness my Magick Mullet, which helps me focus my Magickal Energies. Your first step will be to grow a Magickal Mullet of your own and to let me use your bathroom. Got any magazines?
At a quick glance I thought I saw Carrot Top. A double-take has never bought so much relief.
I think he may convince me not believe in science anymore.
He *does* seem to be evidence against evolution.
I live in Humboldt and let me say–not every one of us is some gullible hippie dippie unbathed dirty dreads wearing freak. (I wonder why I’m single when that is the only pool of people I really have to choose from, but I don’t want to move–it’s really nice here!)
That being said, there are many of them here and I assure you, someone will take this ridiculous man in. In fact, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already had multiple offers. Sad to admit, he’s cleaner than a lot of the fellows you see around here.
Besides, people pick up hitch hikers all the time, it’s like a rite of passage.
Yeah I drove up to Humboldt this spring to visit some friends that just moved there. I absolutely loved it. Granted, it was like a crazy block of sunny, warm weather in April that probably helped But yeah, beautiful scenery, cute little towns, lots of breweries, chill people. Very nice.
You forgot crippling meth problem
Yeah, well, there are plenty of less-awesome places I’ve seen that also have big meth problems :/
Just like every other “rural” area in the US.
The crippling meth problem is, sadly, everywhere.
Sadly, the meth problem is pretty much everywhere now. Even places I once lived or visited and remember fondly have changed for the worse. And once you have drugs, the gangs follow.
I like the gas station restroom glamour shot. The subway tile really offsets his aura.
This cat’s smile is a zillion times more creepy than Doug Henning’s.
THAT’S who he reminded me of. I couldn’t think of the name. Thanks! I think.
Give him some rainbow suspenders, a mustache, and a divorce from Barbara DiAngeles, and you have his blond twin.
But does he have Doug’s amazing buck teeth?
Buffalo Bill-style human skin pant suit not included.
it puts the lotion on the skin…
It was necessary for me to scream out loud in order to release the immense amount of inner tension and fear this post brought to me by forcing me to imagine this person parked on my lawn.
Now imagine him naked and passed out on you porch, I’ll wait.
… I think you broke Critic.
If not, imagine him naked and passed out in yer bathroom. We’re all waiting.
Just another day in Syracuse.
Because apparently you need a freeloader in your driveway to get drunk, high, and bark at the moon.
“no officer, we’re not stoned, we’re conjuring a new set of tires for the van.”
is it just me or does his beard look a little “cummy”?
You like the flavor-saver?
Come here and smell my beard!
Mange-ick seems more like his skill set.
Come on, guys, cut the guy some slack: he’s offering Magick AND rent! That takes some hardcore humility to admit your majick isn’t worth the entire $250/month parking space rent. He obviously has a heart of gold.
Come on, guys, cut the guy some slack: he’s offering Magick AND rent!
I wonder if the rent will be paid in Magick Money? It’s cloaked in a powerful invisibility spell, and can only be seen on blue moons on a leap year.
This guy totally reminds me of Vork from “The Guild.” I wonder if he drives around for wi-fi.
I am really surprised that he actually offers to pay some sort of rent…
The worrisome part is he doesn’t define what sort of rent he has in mind.
I like that he used caps for the word “and”. Like someone perusing the ad will skim past if that AND was not there.
…just as soon as he gets his disability check, he’ll get it to you. Has a box at the post office I’m sure. My husband had to deal with so many crazy, creepy, stinky people at the post office.
It looks like he took that picture in the bathroom of the YMCA.
There are worse places than a YMCA hostel…
When the Salvation Army turned me away ‘no place for your type here’ and all that crap, they were willing to let me sleep on the sofa in the games room despite being out of beds. Not a bad bunch.
What “type” are you that the Salvation Army turned you away? I’d think they’d try to convert anyone. Perhaps it was the pentagram carved in your forehead? I’m not judging–YOU can really make that look work!
The type with a boyfriend in hand. Magickly makes even them shut the door with a stern look and the ultimate passive-aggressive promise of prayers.
What kind, non-judgmental, Christ-like Christians they are.
Years later, and my boyfriend is considering making ‘I’ll pray for you’ cross stitch samplers, in comic-sans.
That’s why I no longer donate to their Christmas kettles. I doubt they’d want the tainted money of a woman who has a gay son and really likes his boyfriend.
And THAT’s why the Salvation Army gets none of my money in their little red buckets. I have literally told the bell-ringers “I won’t support a homophobic organization.” They don’t even get donations of my used books and clothes. All that goes to a shelter downtown where the meals come without a large side helping of “come to Jesus”.
The SA doesn’t get any of my donations either, money or otherwise. My parents lived across the road (they’re in the country) from a multi-offense sex offender. Subsequently this creep went to the SA church and they vouched for him, saying he was changed, helping in his defense and getting him a suspended/weekend sentence. He didn’t have to be registered because of his new-found ‘Christian’ faith that they convinced the courts of. Bullshit.
Not to mention that one of the most unethical insurance brokers that I’ve worked with in my career was high up in the SA church. He turned my stomach at how corrupt he was and I eventually got ‘let go’ for refusing to follow his unethical demands. Oh well, thanks for the raise!
Yes, this. I’ve donated stuff to Habitat for Humanity (I wish their ReStore was a bit closer!) and the local SPCA thrift (from which I have purchased many cool things), but the SA can fuck right off. (The one in Davis, CA actually closed– one of the few charity stores there that I remember doing so. I think the residents basically told them where they could go.)
And what part of him was in your hand when you went in asking for a room?
Only one of his hands. The bastard was nervous.
When I saw that pic my mind went immediately to that scene in Monster where Charlize is giving herself a trucker shower. *Shudder*
What’s a trucker shower? I’m too scared to google terms I’ve heard on Regretsy.
It’s safer to check Urban Dictionary. Just a little safer, mind you.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
The only place he ought to be allowed to park that van is down by the river.
Let me assure you, he can work with that.
Yeah, we’ve got six here he can easily get to.
Plus one for the Chris Farley ref.
Chris Farley didn’t die. He just magicked himself into a rangy bemulleted burnout.
Dear creepy dude from Casper, Wyoming:
Stop making the rest of us look normal. We worked long and hard to be the weirdos no one is quite sure what to do about.
The other 500,000 residents
^THIS! As soon as I saw the buckin’ bronc on the license plate I knew I would not be shocked by anything that followed.
HERE WE GO WYO
UNSUB . At first I liked the show Criminal Minds, now it’s just too scary for me to watch. Think serial killer. And the no shirt photos, those are so repulsive.
Form an orderly queue, ladies (and gents).
You must be from England. XD
Once a friend of mine from England told me there had been a bomb threat at the train station that day. I asked him if everyone went screaming and running for the exits. He said of course not, we’re English – we formed orderly queues.
Little Norman got sick of cousin Brian and threw his ass out of his backyard again. Why can’t my family all just get along?
I don’t know…there’s a pagan couple in Tennessee who might need a roommate, maybe we should pass on the info??? Anyone???
I’m sure those Pagans need a PAYING roommmate.
That was my very first thought. Do you think he has enough room in there for all the Fire Mountain Beads and tea lights?
If he really knew magick he’d have already disappeared that dead poodle off his head.
That’s his familiar.
He calls it “Captain Kirk”.
that’s the trouble with tribbles.
Gives a whole new meaning to “Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain. Why is he climbing a mountain?”
I just want to put this out there, that not all Pagans are flaky. Some of us have jobs and houses that aren’t on wheels, and can’t be put on wheels.
Well the Christians get the Duggars and the WBC, and we get … rape-o-mullet there.
I love that you felt the need to add that your home could not be put on wheels. And don’t you wish you could scream at people to STOP ACTING LIKE STERIOTYPES!!
And some of us have houses that ARE on wheels, but it just means that we’re doing the best we can for our families with what we have.
Seriously, why would anyone give a flying fuck about whether a house was wheeled onto a site or built there?
Especially since Airstreams are so frakking expensive. I’d totally set up my shop in one if I could.
Twenty years from now, this guy – sans van, sans teeth, but otherwise much the same – will be the kind of guy who tries to convince older single artist type women who have a home that he’s charmed and enchanted with them.
Trust me. Three within the last year.
Thanks for the warning!
I want to hear these stories!
I hear ya, honey.
Oh, god–you too?
I’m 45. I’m single. I’m definitely the artist type. And I’m capable of keeping a decent roof over my head and the lights on, and I still have all my teeth.
All of which seems to make me a magnet for these types. I almost don’t dare go to street fairs or sit in indie coffee houses anymore, lest some wild-eyed, toothless Joe come up and tell me I must have been born under a fire sign, or that I have a powerful aura.
And my finely-honed man-repelling skills? Useless. I hate resorting to outright rudeness, but it’s the only thing that works.
After 50, drooling and giggling insanely seems to work pretty well.
Would saying “I’m a fucking force of nature, honey. Now fuck off!” be too rude?
You say “sans teeth in twenty years. Yet I think he is “sans teeth” now.
I bet he plays guitar and feels the need to bring it everywhere he goes too.
My ex used to do that. He’d sit there at parties, strumming away, going for the Serious Musical Artist vibe, and not realize that his “original compositions” always morphed into The Joker by the Steve Miller Band.
How else would he play the song he just wrote about you?
My next door neighbour is a bohemian 87-year-old woman who lived in Paris in the 50s and used to fall in love with poets.
She told me her advice to her younger self would be to say them: “Show me your bank account, little boy.”
Your neighbor is fucking awesome.
I’m going to have to rely on my army of cats to deal with those types if I manage to outlive my husband.
He got the ick part right
My Son attends Humboldt State and you would not believe some of the stories he tells. Ain’t no place prettier than Humboldt to park your van!
Scientifically confirmed! I must’ve missed reading that paper.
I read his ad carefully. He just says ‘it’ has been scientifically confirmed ‘and’ magick is real. That ‘it’ could be anything, it could just be his need for a aplace to park his van.
The “it” is chlamydia.
What a deal. Magick taught to me by this obviously completely legit man, plus some money for rent, and I bet he’ll barely touch me in my sleep at all!
C’mon, touching himself in his sleep has probably lost its magick.
You wake up the next day to a missing purse and a sticky back…
A sticky, sore-infested back. Because come on, look at is smug douchebag face. I pretty much got Chlamydia just from his picture.
It’s all fun and games until someone is standing in line at the free clinic.
I’m surprised I’m not related to him.
That’s bad, isn’t it?
Are you sure you’re not? Sounds like he gets around
If he was a member of my family he would require that your pay for the magick lessons with twelve packs and bad decisions.
I’m pretty sure I am related to him, is that worse, or better?
about the same.
i’m pretty sure i am no longer related to him. or, rather, his hemidemisemiquaver-doppelgänger, something that almost makes me downright glow w/ glee.
That is fucking beautiful. But we need a counterspell.
Quick, play Home Owners Association! It makes all Lord of Humboldts get evicted!
Yes, but if you put Home Owners Association into play it’s going to require upkeep every turn and restrict what you can do with your land.
This card makes me cry salty sad tears.
Doo Doo dee do Doo….
“Those who spell Magic with a K aren’t.”
― Anton LaVey
Okay, it may be dumb to ask but I’m not a native speaker – I really don’t get how this sentence works gramatically, especially the lone “aren’t” at the end. Anyone care to explain?
The second “magic” is implied. A native speaker reads it as “Those who spell magic with a K aren’t magic.” In other words, if you spell it like that you’re a pretentious twit.
Thanks, that’s what I thought It still sounds really odd to me with “aren’t” implying a noun but I guess that’s intentional
Anton LaVey would know all about pretentious twits, yeah?
I was going to mention that…
Yeah I’d have to agree with that one too.
That van must be like a TARDIS. Look at the size of that bathroom in his glamour shot.
Nice wallet chain, Cap’n Awesome. I’m pretty sure you don’t need to keep that thing on lock-down.Trust me, no one wants your wallet OR the Subway sandwich card held preciously within.
Wallet? Silly you. The chain is so he doesn’t lose his meth pipe.
Oh…Humboldt sounds so exotic! I take it that “meth” is some sort of aromatic tobacco?
I like how he’s gently pulling his shorts down, teasingly giving us a “hint o’ herpes”. You play your cards right, he’ll show you the whole train-wreck.
When I saw the thumbnail of that pic on the FB page, I thought he was nekkid and cursed April for not putting up a NSFW warning. I’m glad it’s merely NSFE (not safe for eyes). Well, not too glad, but you know what I mean.
Wouldn’t surprise me if this guy pops up in a FamilyWatchdog.com search.
Wouldn’t surprise me if he eventually shows up in all our driveways.
His hairdo is called the “Amber Alert”.
I had to do a double take when I thought ‘Dear God! Is that my uncle?!?’
Where I live the pikeys don’t have the decency to have the entertainment value of hippies. I want to learn magiK too
Just leaving you some username love.
The magick of invisibility! In this lesson, we’ll learn how to use darkness and garden foliage to watch the neighbor-lady undress.
That’s not his camper. It has Wyoming license plates. Where is the plaid shirt and baseball cap? He looks too douchebag and not enough redneck to be Wyoming. I know, I’ve been to Wyoming many times.
Maybe the plates weren’t his to begin with. He doesn’t strike me as the type to keep his tags up to date on a vehicle, or to even initially register it.
Large hairy dogs are sleeping on the plaid shirt inside the van. The baseball cap is perched on a quart measuring cup, being used as a filter. His old lady owns the van, and is planning on taking it back to Wyoming, alone, as soon as MagickMullet finds himself a new … parking space.
He’s from Casper, though. That’s douchebag central for Wyoming. Especially the magickal douchebags who live in vans.
Does this guy teach you the “hide the salami” spell?
This guy does look similar to a guy I have seen in Dagorhir though.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Oh, I feel so much better. I was terrified this was Humboldt, Tennessee, and we had another asshole making us look backwards and idiotic…like Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton and 3 6 Mafia.
I love that he’s trying for the “hey baby” face in his picture, and by love, I mean I’d rather eat my dog’s vomit. You know he’s going to take that phone and use it to peep through your windows and magick himself some fapping material.
He really needs a cigarette dangling from his lips to complete the look.
I don’t know guys, seems legit to me. I always wondered what happened to the wizard from Dragonslayer.
I’m pretty sure I used to see that guy all the time at Denny’s with the 3AM crowd. Surrounded by empty creamer cups. No coffee in sight. Obviously performing magick.
In all seriousness this is standard fare in Humboldt. If you’re not doing weird shit in your van you’re obviously not achieving in the least.
The more I look at this picture, the more I’m sure I’ve had to deal with him at the food bank all the way up here in Orygone. Maybe he has a Magick delivery route: Cheyenne, Boise, Spokane, Seattle, Portland, Salem, Eugene, The Humboldt, Reno/Tahoe/Vegas and back around. Ack – I can’t help myself … the Magickal Mystery Driveway Tour of the PNW.. forgive me, please.
it may be time to start thinking about your life choices when u are living in some old RV and are still trying to work the mullet look
“Now where’s my least creepy photo…ah, that’ll do ‘er.”
By “pay you some rent”, he means “furiously tug it directly in front of your picture window”. It’s a Humboldt thing…”Redwood” has a whole different connotation up there as well.
Magic… scientifically proven. I just read a paper about whimsickle faeries and connecting with the higher energies in PNAS, I believe. Or I might have been drunk, or high on the formalin fumes again.
Well, my biochem professor DID mention that not all PNAS articles are truly peer reviewed (there is a loophole of sorts…)
If he’s willing to drive up to Shelton, WA my brother would probably let him park there. They could go cruisin’ for women together. I keep waiting to see my family on an episode of COPS.
So NOT magically delicious.
Is this Dog the Bounty Hunter’s scrawny cousin?
Yup, it’s “Doug the Booty Hunter”.
I’m married to the sea….oh, and my wife.
He’s upped the offer!
Looks like he also added a bonus photo of himself actually wearing a shirt, in a cheap motel room it looks like.
What, no more “magick?” Way to stand by your convictions.
But seriously, the combination of SSI and “Green Wizard” made me nearly snarfle my V8.
criscrossing the country in his van, wooing unsuspecting women and then they end up like Shelly Winters in ‘Night of the Hunter’.
With a hat and shirt his appearance is much improved. I mean, he still doesn’t look like someone I’d want anywhere near my property, but he looks much less malevolent.
Oh look, he has a drum set too! That makes it so much better.
That’s so he can do his own rimshots when he tells you his terrible Renaissance Faire/Middle Earth jokes.
And as a bonus, the sticks double as magick wands!
Is that a swaztika shaved into his gut-hair?
Isn’t that Varga of “Love Train” and “Shave My Gorilla” fame?
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