Crewel Intentions
Yesterday, I posted a link to a site that will convert any image into a cross-stitch pattern. I asked you to make some patterns for us and post them in the comments.
The idea was that I would pick the one I liked the best, and commission you to make it for me. If you came up with the winning pattern but didn’t sew, I’d give you $50 and pay someone else to make it.
That was the idea.
What I wasn’t counting on (and I don’t know why, because you’d think after three years I’d know how you people operate) was that there would be SO MANY GOOD ONES to choose from. I honestly cannot make up my mind.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to post my favorites here, and ask you to vote for the one you’d like to see made a reality. You can vote for more than one, and you can vote as many times as you like. Why? Because who gives a shit, that’s why.
Click on the thumbnails to see the design on its own page and to vote. Voting will close at midnight tonight, California time.
WARNING: Some of these are most definitely NSFW, unless you work at Bravo.
June 13, 2012 at 1:33 pm
It’s like Sophie’s Choice!
June 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Only without the Nazis.
June 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm
An unexpected lack of Nazis! Is it too late to have Hitler saying “I hearted a pair of swastika moccasins today” as an entry? Scheisse!
June 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm
There was the one of Hitler with boobs. Sadly it didn’t make the final cut.
June 13, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Something tells me that even a stitched up mockery of Hitler would be less than welcome in the home of Helen the hell-bound-half-Jew. *raises eyebrow*
June 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm
That depends on who you ask.
June 13, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Maybe, but there’s slavery! Yay!
June 13, 2012 at 1:37 pm
So here I am, voting my finger off, instead of studying for my exam tomorrow. My future as a FJL with a plethora of cats seems inevitable now.
June 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm
And that’s the sampler that’s missing…the Crazy Cat Lady Starter Pack
June 14, 2012 at 8:04 pm
We all know how to start.
It’s the stopping that’s the issue.
June 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
June 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm
I accepted this fate long ago.
http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1325995845974_8876091.png
June 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm
Welcome! Come in, sit down!
June 14, 2012 at 7:00 am
Eat something! You should be so thin!
June 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Picard is lamenting the implication that he fell down snowboarding instead of heard something stupid.
June 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Is it wrong that I want the “Sign me up” by Nana SOOO BAD?
June 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Heh – I CAN sew but that looks like the only one I would be able to stand a chance of completing. I love the Spock and Jesus one, but it’s WAAAAAY too many colors…..
June 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm
O.M.G.
I haven’t made it to the finals of anything since….
um.. well.
O.M.G.
June 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm
NanaB, that is truly inspired…and punctuated correctly. It is awesome.
June 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm
NanaB FTW!!!
June 13, 2012 at 6:12 pm
It’s a Nana-rama!
June 13, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Yours almost makes me forget about the paint-shooting ass, which I had actually forgotten about UNTIL I READ THIS POST.
June 14, 2012 at 8:28 am
Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But if this is slavery
Have my black baby.
June 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm
i would love to support HODOR, but the “sign me up!” is just the perfect level of fuckery. and by fuckery, i mean despair at the mental state of the morons on etsy.
(all you non-morons on etsy are cool, though. hodor!)
June 13, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Aw, shucks! I am loving Nanab’s myself!
June 13, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Yes!! I want the slavery sampler too…HK is there any way that the creator of this masterpiece can throw a few up for sale? Or are you going to hoard all the awesome? I was so butthurt when you got Bless this House.
June 13, 2012 at 1:59 pm
I like the way you say “throw a few up” for sale…
June 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm
I think she should sell the pattern. Cheaper for us and a lot less work for her.
June 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm
April’s Army item!
June 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Goddamn you guys are funny. Thank god for multiple votes!
June 13, 2012 at 1:54 pm
aaaaww. I got blocked from voting because I have voted too many times
June 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm
Really? I didn’t know that was possible. What kind of error are you getting?
June 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm
That happened to me the last time you used this voting app.
This time, however, I haven’t hit my limit, but every time I place a vote the percentage of votes goes down. I’m apparently sending negative energy to the poll. I’m going to go realign my chi with some cookies.
June 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Speaking of cookies, would it help to clear them from your system and clear your browsing history? That’s how I get around paying for the local newspaper online….
Down with the 1% media barons!
June 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm
I got the….”We have received too many votes from you. You will be unblocked after a cooling off period.” too now.
Luckily I love NanaB’s slavery and since it was the last item on the list, it was easy to return and vote again.
….wait – I love NanaB’s slavery SAMPLER….
June 13, 2012 at 5:05 pm
That is just bizarre. Let me see if I can correct that.
June 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm
Yeah, I got the cooling period, too.
(Gosh, doesn’t it almost sound like some kinda vajingo social disease?)
June 13, 2012 at 8:21 pm
shesus-H-griest! how long do the cooling periods last?!?!?
June 13, 2012 at 8:22 pm
My plans for world domination by overtaking polls like these are at stake, PEOPLE!!!
June 13, 2012 at 6:14 pm
I think you should use the cooling off period to have a drink! THE INTERNET DEMANDS IT!
June 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm
Is it ok if I have some ice cream instead?
June 13, 2012 at 1:57 pm
I want to do the nails one so bad, as I have become a novice rusty nail enthusiast (largely due to their prominence on Regretsy). Will the creators make the patterns available?
June 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm
It’s a lovely pattern and I don’t mean that snarkily. That’s what I love about cross-stitch–it brings out the subtleties that aren’t always apparent in photos.
June 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Happy to share!! Send me your email address, send a message through etsy (click on my name for my shop)
June 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm
and now we’ve broken the sampler-making website…
June 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I just went to go play with it too, and it’s all broken from too much fun.
Maybe Helen can send a little regretsy fund money their way, to help them get some bandwidth? We did break it after all…lol.
June 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm
OK, so we broke it, but we left it exactly where we found it, so no one can complain.
June 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm
I feel honored that the Snoop stitch made the cut but it is clearly outclassed by the slavery sampler.
I might still make the Snoop stitch happen (in my artistic ability and all) for a charity something or other. Any excuse to cross stitch. And it’ll confuse my MIL I’m sure.
June 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm
It was when I saw the Picard Face Palm that I decided I needed to learn to cross-stitch. Thanks for giving me a reason to fellate the economy, himynameisrose.
June 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm
I cross stitch, and can tell you that 50 bucks isn’t a lot for the work involved in most of these designs. Even if you cut the background out, you’d probably be looking at less than a dollar an hour. The slavery sampler would be ironic.
June 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm
I think $50 is for the designer, but the price to commission it would be separate. How much would you charge for the slavery one though? I really want that for a friend of mine.
June 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm
The $50 is just for winning the sampler contest. HK will pay additionally to have someone stitch it.
June 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Reading is fun.
June 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm
For some people, sure, but for others it must be a real pain.
June 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm
“Reading is a powerful tool”
- my brother the teacher to his daughters every goddamn chance he gets.
June 13, 2012 at 8:36 pm
So are sternal saws…I mean nothing makes me feel more powerful than cutting into someone’s sterum. Not that I do that on a regular basis to truck stop hookers and Jehovah’s witnesses, because I totally don’t.
June 14, 2012 at 1:09 am
So is the average CEO.
June 13, 2012 at 8:32 pm
I stand corrected. My apologies, HK.
June 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Must have go fuck yourself kittens. Is $50 seriously all it would take?
June 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm
I might have to make a few of those for myself.
June 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I laughed so hard at these I almost snorted pasta up my nose.
June 14, 2012 at 1:11 am
Fusilli, or spaghetti? I know which would be most impressive.
June 13, 2012 at 2:12 pm
THANK YOU for the flounce tribute sampler!! Oh that makes me so happy in my FJL soul, even though I can’t seem to find the comments now that let to this poor Etsy seller’s disillusionment.
June 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm
It was on Facebook, in response to the etsy hoarders post…and it’s pretty damn funny.
June 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Click on the image of the flounce sampler. It’s linked to a screen cap.
June 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Awh, Steampunk Owltopus didn’t even make the cut.
*quietly sobs*
Then again, Slavery is pretty damned fucking whimsacle. My vote would have gone there anyway.
June 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Ooohh, “whimsacle” is my new word, emphasis on the “sac”.
June 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Oh, did I accidentally misspell it in a different way from the misspelling I was purposefully aiming for? Damn.
June 13, 2012 at 6:58 pm
No I’m glad you did, I think whimsacle is a totally great fake word.
June 13, 2012 at 7:31 pm
or whimsackle to make magickal
June 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm
The Hodor one is my vote, but the Picard one and the “Slavery:Sign me up” one are close!
June 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Just a thought…how about making all of the up and auctioning them off for charity? I’d be willing to donate my time!
June 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm
I heartily endorse this product and/or statement…
June 13, 2012 at 7:00 pm
I thought the same thing. Only I have a cat and his fur gets stitched into everything I make.
June 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm
This is one where as much as I’d like to do a shout out to my friends and family for their vote for support on the slavery cross stitch, I’m thinking it might not go over well unless accompanied by a full explanation.
And there are some of my relatives who would like it for all the wrong reasons…
June 13, 2012 at 4:40 pm
My close friends and family would get it right away. They know that it’s rare for a non-sarcastic comment to come out of my mouth, especially about race relations in my native Georgia.
Other relatives, high school Facebook friends, and people I’ve worked with are another story.
For example, and I can say this here because I know you fat jealous losers, and because I am anonymous:
“MARTA doesn’t go to Cobb County because they don’t want the negroes taking the fast food jobs from their kids.”
That’s not strictly true, but it is true that MARTA doesn’t go up there because the people in Newtland are racists. They do run a shuttle from their own bus system down to Five Points, though, so they don’t have to drive as far to pick up and drop off their maids.
June 13, 2012 at 8:57 pm
All lies. They didn’t want MARTA in Cobb County because people* would ride out to Cumberland Mall, steal cars, and drive back.
*you know, THOSE people.
June 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm
That Tom Cruise one is pretty fucking radical. It’s got a very “Time and Eric Awesome Show” vibe to it… and he’s such a turbo POWER DOUCHE that it really works for me. Just all around creepy n’ awesome.
June 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm
…I misspelled “Tim” somehow…
June 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm
The stuff in your shop is gorgeous, btw.
June 13, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Yes, I really want that fire extinguisher bench. Does anyone have $3400 I can “borrow”?
June 14, 2012 at 7:48 am
Thank you, Francine!
June 14, 2012 at 7:50 am
I can lend you $3400, quaba_q. But you have to pay me back. I also accept Faberge Eggs and scepters as payment.
June 13, 2012 at 2:46 pm
I read “POWER DOUCHE” and my lady parts squeaked, threw out the “CLOSED” sign, and are now huddling around my kidneys in fear. It’s not comfortable. Thank you VERY much!
June 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Yer welcome, M’lady! But I am sorry to hear you’re closed for business…
Yeah, you have to use Power Douches VERY carefully. They have a hand-crank.
June 15, 2012 at 11:17 am
I gave you props just for the T&E.
June 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm
How did nothing about boatwood or “have a nice life, fatties” make it in here? ha. I do love that slavery one though, what a crazy seller! It got my vote!
June 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm
Ha! I *do* work at Bravo!
June 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Huzzah for multiple votes allowed. Raspberries? Check. Joan Rivers? Check! Go Fuck Yourself Kittens? Double-check! Slavery? Check-A-Fucking-Roo!
June 14, 2012 at 2:54 am
“Slavery? Check-A-Fucking-Roo!” Now that right there is a sampler-worthy sentiment!
June 13, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Is cross stitching hard to learn? Because I think I need to make that Picard one for myself
June 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm
It’s super easy to learn, I’m sure you could do a google search on it. I’d start with something a little easier to practice with before you dive into Picard.
June 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm
That’s what she said?
June 13, 2012 at 6:27 pm
I learned how to spite my mother. If I can do it, anyone can.
June 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm
It truly isn’t. You work from a chart (it looks like it was drawn on graph paper) onto a piece of cross-stitch fabric. The fabric has very obvious vertical and horizontal threads, with little holes in between. The needle goes in the little hole!
It may seem daunting to be working on an unstamped piece of fabric, but once you get the center section done, you have an “anchor” to work the other sections.
I found a slide show that will give you an idea of how it’s done: http://crossstitch.about.com/od/learnhowtocrossstitch/ss/htstxs.htm
Here is a text-heavy version that’s written very well. http://yarntree.com/007begin.htm
Also, unlike needlepoint, you don’t cover the entire picture area with stitches. You leave a lot of the fabric unworked, depending on the design and the color of fabric.
I hope you give it a try. You might want to start with a small project to get used to it and have a sense of accomplishment sooner!
June 13, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Now that’s what she said!
June 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm
It’s not hard, it’s just exceedingly tedious.
June 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm
“Tedious” is how I describe needlepoint, which is why I don’t do it. I find cross-stitch very relaxing and I like working with the DMC floss.
June 13, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Interesting. I took a long break from cross stitch because it grew frustrating and, yes, tedious–probably because I overextended myself with a couple of Teresa Wentzler designs and simply couldn’t stomach the thought of combining any more threads to create new colors. (I guess I’m still a little traumatized, because I look at a lot of the designs here and just feel dread.)
June 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm
It’s super easy! I’ve cross stitched since I was 7 or 8.
June 13, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Thanks all for your input. You’re the best FJLs ever!
June 13, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Cross stitch is pretty easy, but when you get to photorealistic patterns like a lot of these, it turns kind of painful because every tiiiny little shading change needs a different color floss.
June 14, 2012 at 9:11 am
And half and quarter stitches, but I didn’t want to scare LXV off with them. So, I hope she’s not going to read this post!
June 13, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Yippee!!! I made the finals of something!!
Though “nails” is not my favourite one there by a longshot! Especially as the slavery ones looks like a proper sampler, it’s bloody awesome!
June 14, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Actually the nails is my favourite. It’s just so ironic. I mean, if something like a bunch of rusty nails is art, then shouldn’t a picture of said nails be artistic too? Like Van Gogh painted sunflowers, there should be a renaissance artist who did studies of rusty nails. Van Etsy?
June 13, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Also, I haven’t cross stitched since I was 6 years old, bu I would still orally be willing to have a go at makin this, whether it wins or not
June 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm
*totally
Stupid auto correct. How do you orally cross stitch FFS? Actually, don’t answer that!
June 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Well, if paint boy up there can paint anally, doing cross-stitch orally isn’t that strange a concept.
Seriously, one day someone tells you “I know a guy who paints with his ass” and you think “Sure, he puts paint on his ass and rubs against the canvas,” right? And then you discover that’s not the case at all.
So, oral cross-stitch?
*shrugs*
June 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm
I was so ready to have a go at oral cross stitch too..
June 13, 2012 at 7:02 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm
*wipes away a tear of pride*
June 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm
“We have received too many votes from you. You will be unblocked after a cooling off period.”
YOU LIED, APRIL! DAMN YOU WOMAN!!!!
June 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm
HODOR FOREVER
June 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm
hmmm… there doesn’t seem to be a spot for a write-in vote.
June 13, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Well, at first I thought Joan Rivers would make such a nice companion piece for your Judge Judy. But now I have to agree, Sign Me Up has all the necessary elements…
June 13, 2012 at 5:46 pm
All of these of would make a nice patchwork tapestry.
June 13, 2012 at 6:30 pm
Democracy is fun. And pisses me off.
June 13, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Man, someone could start a business with all the people who want these cross-stitched for themselves haha.
Hmmms… is that idea stealing if I wanted to make & sell these? :3
June 13, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Wow! I am super-excited and honoured to be a finalist! That is so fantastic!
I think I might have to stitch Keith’s anal painting photo now whether I win or not.
And… if these are auctioned, Mr. Bodawee might want to bid on it himself. (Or sue the shit out of both me and the site for using his image. Little hazy on image rights law).
But seriously, who doesn’t want a cross-stitch of themselves spraying paint outta their taint? It would make an excellent gift, perhaps for his grandmother.
I found this quote on his blog today,”…MARK BRADFORD show at SFMOMA yesterday. Utterly dreary. So perfectly benign and unimaginative. Is PROCESS PAINTING what we collectively get our panties in a wad about in the year 2012? Honestly, the visual equivalent of oatmeal. Oatmeal for a bank lobby. Mind you, I HATE oatmeal AND bank lobbies.”
I think it might be captioned “Is PROCESS PAINTING what we collectively get our panties in a bunch about in 2012?”
Open to ideas, tho.
June 13, 2012 at 7:34 pm
“paint outta their taint”
that one made me bust a gut
June 13, 2012 at 9:01 pm
I want to see an old ladies sewing circle getting busy with ALL of these!
June 13, 2012 at 11:52 pm
If the Nic Cage one doesn’t win I’ll totally pay someone to make it for me lol
For serious.
emb308@sbcglobal.net
June 25, 2012 at 12:40 am
I will second the above comment becase my whole body aches for all Nic Cage merchandise available.
I didn’t know I needed one until now, and suddenly I can’t live without it!
June 13, 2012 at 11:53 pm
The votes as many times as you want is a lie. I had 6 tabs open to Regretsy and after voting a shitload of times it starts giving me a warning about voting to many times and needing to cool down before I could vote again. sadness.
June 14, 2012 at 9:16 am
I don’t get that at all. I went back and looked and said “allow multiple votes”, and there is dick all in there about “cooling off.” Fuck you WordPress, I DON’T NEED COOLING OFF
HODOR
June 14, 2012 at 9:42 am
After viewing that Tom Cruise sampler, I definitely needed some cooling off. The amount of Radical contained therein was as hot as the sun…it scorched my retinas and possibly a butt cheek.
June 14, 2012 at 12:44 am
I was going to register to say something akin to “I’ve finally registered just to post that, no matter what wins, I fucking NEED either samplers or patterns for both pro-slavery and a man shooting paint from his asshole! Name a price right now.”
…and then I realized I’ve already registered, and have no idea if I’ve ever posted before. Likely because I’m usually drunk.
Regardless (or because) of my blackout-drunk posting habits, who do I have to pay to make these for me? I’m too distractible to turn piles of thread into fantastic fuckery.
June 14, 2012 at 1:29 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 14, 2012 at 4:13 am
Because no one wants to look at his smarmy face.
June 14, 2012 at 1:53 am
Uhm, also, apparently the winner could stitch with human hair for added value.
http://www.etsy.com/blog/en/2012/memories-mourning-and-craft-hair-in-jewelry-and-art/?ref=fc_more#comment-748675
One of the worst comments in there made it to etsy-blog-page-featured-comment.
June 14, 2012 at 7:22 am
I do seriously want the Go Fuck Yourselves kittens. If someone wants to make it for me, I will pay very nicely. It will go very nicely with my “God never closes a window without locking the door and setting the house on fire” sampler I bought in one of the April’s Army sales. Someone email me – frgesvantner@gmail.com
June 14, 2012 at 7:37 am
I’ve been traveling a lot and haven’t kept up with Regretsy as faithfully as I should. I’m sure I deserve some punishment for this sin. So after the punishment, could someone explain “Hodor hodor hodor” to me?
June 14, 2012 at 7:42 am
It’s from Game of Thrones show on HBO. Hodor is a character that only says “Hodor”. Bronc has been doing recaps of the show on the CF4L posts.
June 14, 2012 at 8:02 am
Ah, ok. I’ve watched a couple of episodes of GOT but missed that guy somehow.
June 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Wow, I’m pleasantly shocked Divine Mary was a fave! I forgot to mention, I know fuck all about crafting, couldn’t even thread a needle to save my life! But, it does look like a pretty damn hard pattern IMO. I’m going to contact the artist to ask about making a high-quality print of it for myself.
June 14, 2012 at 5:58 pm
What can we do about getting myphotostitch.com a new web host? Every time I go to the site they’re over the “daily quota.” I’m sure we could throw in and get them a year at http://laughingsquid.us/ no problem!
June 14, 2012 at 9:52 pm
Aww man! If I wasn’t too busy sitting on my arse when I get home from work I could totally stitch these up! At least all of them except Keith Bodawee – that shit freaks me out!
June 15, 2012 at 4:57 am
I am available to stitch any and all of these, with the permission of creators.*
*shameless attempt to pay my bills.
June 15, 2012 at 7:25 am
i saw a cross-stitch of jfk and a quote by him at the flea market last weekend. coincidence? i don’t think so! if only i had known about this thread, i would’ve asked if they’re a fan of regretsy.
June 15, 2012 at 11:19 am
I’m a little bummed that the Brace pattern in no one references the Brace philosophy but fuck I want that one so so bad.
June 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm
I don’t know if I missed it somewhere, but how do I go about throwing my hat in the running to be the one to sew the winner if the winner does not sew?? I have two cats I need to lounge with and a whole tv full of HBO-Go, Netflix and Hulu just waiting to be devoured. winter is coming!
Plus, I just finished my latest project on tuesday and was going to start sewing a bunch of cat heads but there will ALWAYS be cat heads to sew…
AND I have successfully completed two Bjork portraits made from that website!
This is my destiny.