UPDATE: PEOPLE ARE INSANE
I see in the future that you will purchase a ouija board.
Oh, I get it.
You use a QUIJA board to see the future, unlike the ouija board, which is used to communicate with the dead.
False; that shit is gonna get hotglued into some sort of steampunk goggle apparatus faster than you can come up with a new, neo-spiritual name for the playa.
Hate the game, love the playa?
The salad spinner has so many uses why get rid of it? Word of advice: “make” the homemade peanut butter BEFORE the kids’ art projects.
The baseball VHS won’t be “vintage” for another 5 years. Useless now, but not vintage
My question is , How the hell do you make peanut butter with a salad spinner? Does this one have sharp stuff in it?
Maybe they mean to mix the peanut butter when it has separated? Because that makes sense?
Thanks but no thanks salad spinner seller, I’ll use that other sellers trusty rusty spork.
Mmm mmm PB and T and J sammich.
The T is for tetanus.
Apparently, you have to use the spinner to dry your swimwear and pantyhose, first. Gives the peanut butter that “delightfully crunchy” texture.
My first thought was ‘exactly how do you make peanut butter in a salad spinner’. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh.
It is for separating the peanuts from their skins…http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/homemade-peanut-butter-recipe/index.html
The salad spinner is the only useful object here, although I could probably find a comparably priced new one on Amazon.
I can’t believe that World Series was 20 years ago already. Shit I’m getting old.
I have this exact same salad spinner, and believe me, it can barely spin lettuce leaves, let alone peanut butter.
I’ve been thinking of buying my cat a new litter box. Nothing wrong with the one she uses now, it’s just been in use for over 20 years (it’s on its second cat). Do you think I could find a buyer on Etsy? Help me think of new uses for it! I’m thinking… zen garden?
Don’t bother emptying it. Sell it as complete with upcycled pooprocks and sand.
Pooprocks! Brilliant! I’ll bet I can get even more if they’re sprinkled with glitter and tiny cogs.
Congratulations, BrooklynK. You’ve just created steampoop.
Sand box for baby fairies?
It was inevitable, I suppose.
Steampunk goggles that can talk to the dead?
“used as a hand broom in its previous life”
Karma is a bitch.
“and should continue to do so.”
Talk about getting fucked in the caste.
Hey spoon “fork you!”
…If that was ever intended to be a paintbrush, then I’m the Lion King. I can see it being used for whitewash or something like that, but house paint…?!
Maybe you could use the paintbrush to spread the peanut butter you made in the salad spinner?
Do you make homemade peanut butter in a salad spinner the same way you make homemade gazpacho in a washing machine?
It’s more like the way you make homemade popcorn in the vacuum cleaner or martinis in the humidifier.
Kinda like how I’m currently making salisbury steak in my stereo cabinet and reheating last nights Chinese with my blow dryer?
My stereo got pretty hot too.
I’m making ravioli with my sewing machine!
Do you use a ball tip sewing needle for that?
And an even-feet foot?
Hm, I’d think a zipper foot would be more efficient. But perhaps you don’t overstuff yours like I do and end up with stuffing scum build up on the side of your pasta pan and a couple mostly-empty overly-mushy wanna-be ravioli carcasses? Hm, maybe it’s just me.
I say once the salad spinner is used to dry bathing suits and undergarments it’s not good for anything else except crabs dip.
Oh. Those crabs.
Maybe she did those things after making the bathtub gin. Homemade of course.
i’ve heard of people making LSD in the bathtub… same thing right?
I once saw an episode of “Good Eats”, with Alton Brown, where he used a washing machine to clean, and spin dry, collard greens. Just sayin’.
Oh, and I read a book once that had recipes for cooking with the heat from the manifold on your car. I only tried it once. Pork roast. Took me 233 miles to cook it, and it wasn’t bad. Actually, it was pretty nice to have a meal all ready at the end of the trip! Now if I could just find a book to get a guy to get me a sandwich and a beer…
I know from personal experience that everything you mentioned is possible. Yes, I have machine-washed and spun-dry greens, but they were nettles. I cooked beef stew on a Chevy pick-up’s manifold — well, I made the stew and my husband “cooked” it.
Pro-Tip: Look for a man who grew up with a lot of bossy sisters.
My Dad and his friends used to scale fish with a washing machine. They were smelt, and so was the washing machine when they finished with it.
Yes. Sort of like how I am making fried chicken with my waffle iron. And hot dogs with my curling iron.
I’ve heard of cooking salmon in the dishwasher (and apparently people I know online have done this) but the rest of these are new to me.
I’m thinking Regretsy cooking tips channel on youtube. “Don’t have a salad spinner? Quick, grab a clean tube sock…” “Now, while the dishwasher is running, let’s step into the laundry room…”
Ah, the joys of ‘alternative kitchen units.’ Nothing quite like soup heated up in a coffee maker, or the good old clothes-iron toast.
the antique store i used to work at would charge twice as much for this shit and sell it within a day. old people be crazy.
My grandparents wouldn’t buy a single one of these pieces of crap. I submit that “rich and credulous” is more of a factor here than “old,” though the two categories may overlap.
true! 90% of the people that came into that shop were rich tourists with an eye for kitschy old shit.
Seriously, lord help us if they ever figure out the computer machine and world wide web tubes enough to get to Etsy. It’ll be like the home shopping network but worse.
Does PayPal take checks with shaky, spidery handwriting and stuff crossed out that took 10 minutes to write? That’s how old people buy everything, especially in front of me at the store.
probably not. I don’t think they accept coupons.
Signed as “Mrs. Eugene Thompson” Is that even legal nowadays?
You need photogrphs of 5 grandchildren as ID.
As well as an early bird special coupon.
Where I live it’s practically mandatory.
I’m not going to lie, I would probably buy the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton tapes. My Mom and I love that shit
do you have anything that would play those? My last cassette player bit the big one 4 years ago.
I totally do! One portable and one big stereo with TWO cassette decks. And I have the tapes to play in them. And I do. Regularly. Sometimes I even get crazy and use the auxiliary input to hook my tape player up to my iHome so I can listen to my folk music in the bedroom. God, I kind of wish I was kidding.
I’ve bought cassettes to convert to mp3′s, but it’s only worthwhile if they cost a quarter at a garage sale.
Grandiosity is clearly a factor as well. What else explains the delusional thinking that leads them to believe they can get $22.50 for something that they’d be lucky to sell for a quarter at a garage sale?
At a yard sale it’s junk. On Etsy, though, it’s whimsicle vintage!
They probably got it at a garage sale. I have no other explanation for the dust pan and paint brush.
My grandmother had an old dustpan like that for years – it never gave out so why buy another? We tossed it when she died – stupid us, could have netted $20 for it’s chippy, dippy vintageness.
Dibs on the yardsy.com domain!
Why did..oh that’s silly. We know why. Because nothing. Nothing at all happens.
There is not even an attempt to upcycle. It’s just craigslist items at etsy prices.
I really need to go govern myself now.
Yardsy.com, where you can buy upcycled 998-piece jigsaw puzzles with two whimsicle holes for only $69.
Fuck me. What’s wrong with people?
And a comb with missing teeth. Labelled “distressed,” of course.
And repurposed as a necklace holder.
You know the sun has started to set on the American Empire when people are selling used, toothless combs.
Set? We’re almost at that part where the sky flashes green.
What is that sound, like horses in the distance, like four horses?
The selling is bad, but it wouldn’t happen if there weren’t buyers. That’s what horrifies me.
I see no reason to buy or sell a used dustpan. I have enough of my own dirt to deal with. I don’t need someone else’s ” vintage” dirt.
The Goodwill wouldn’t even take that.
It’s not dirt. It’s pixie dust or dustpan life sprinkles or something.
Just imagine all the roaches that dustpan has smashed, and it’s historical, too!
And the handle has a little “wiggle” to it. You’re not going to find that kind of authenticity just anywhere.
It’s half asbestos and half lead paint chips
Perfect for decorating your nursery/pottery studio/steampunk octopus storage room.
The lead paint chips let you know it’s truly vintage.
Where Goodwill rejects sell for double digit prices!
That’s it. I’m going to collect my local Goodwill’s rejects and open an Etsy shop. Coming soon: Goodwon’t.
I wouldn’t be surprised if it already exists.
The real antonym for Goodwill would be Spite. Don’t know if that would work as a store name, though.
Spite would be an awesome name for a store, think of all the great stuff bitter, divorcing people would donate just to spite their ex!
‘Where the hell are my £1000 golf clubs and top of the range stereo?’, ‘What, the golf clubs you used to meet your new bitch at the 19th hole? I donated them, go buy them back if they mean so much!’
Guaranteed market ;oD
Considering the creamy, dreamy photos I’ll be surprised if 99% of these haven’t made the FP and found new homes with hipsters.
Come to think of it, I could really get into Hoarders: Hipster edition. I’m seeing soneone in skants dissolve into tears as Dr Zasio gets her to part with her 500daddy press-on moustaches.
Jesus fuck, Android auto text? 500daddy? You make me look like I type like an intoxicated chimpanzee.
I guess that’s better than 500mommy moustaches.
Don’t feel bad, I just assumed 500daddy was just some hipster band I hadn’t heard of.
It’s really a shame they broke up. 250uncle just doesn’t have the same edgy sound 500daddy did.
You make me feel better.
Don’t get used to it.
The dust pan at least was on the front page.
damn, maybe I should become an etsy seller.
Before I read the title, I thought the salad spinner was some kind of bed pan thing for men. Glad it’s just for tossing salads!
errybody loves to get their salad tossed.
I thought more of a portable/toddler toilet, but a shit receptacle, nonetheless.
It’s like a shitty, overpriced garage sale >.< I'm not sure what's worse, the "vintage" trash or the thirty dollar (!!) VHS tape…
I’m somewhat disappointed that those Chuck Taylors aren’t a pair of gently used KEDs.
I TOTALLY knew this was going to be a response…
How old must a spoon be before it can claim the title of “perfectly aged”?
It’s not about the age, it’s all the amount of crud stuck to it that keeps it from being remotely useful.
You know your item is perfectly aged when:
1) You can see Jesus in the “patina”without having a drink first;
2) You have had the item so long that you no longer remember who you borrowed it from;
3) The cable company sends you a final shutoff notice;
4) The shit was in the basement when you moved in.
or change into a fork. Are we about to witness a caterpillar- chrysalis -FORK transformation?!
The Blue Jays won.
ARGH! Oh well, we don’t have a VHS player that works anymore, anyway.
DAMN YOU, LitB — I wanted to find out for MYSELF.
Where’s my Canadian Club?
The shoeforms are kind of cool. Not $25 cool.
Dibs on “tenditors eureka” as a band name. Or maybe ill change it to “trenditors,” seewutididthere
“Tendinitis You Reek, Eh!”
Trenderitis: n. Inflammation from trying to be too trendy. Not fatal, but can lead to pathologic hoarding and stupidity. See, also, Etsyitis.
If you cut yourself on them and it gets infected: “tetanus, eureka!”
But… but… I can get a pair of NEW Chucks for thirty bucks!
But can you masturbate with them?
Yes, but not with the same gusto
I was going to reply “If I’m going to stick a shoe up my bajingo, it’s going to be a clean, new shoe” but then I realized if I were the type of person to masturbate with a shoe then I probably would also be the type of person who didn’t give two fucks about the hygenic condition of said shoe.
Or even prefer a random stranger’s dirty shoe.
no. Because they are not “girl shoes”.
Hush and stop trying to bring logic into it! You know damn well logic doesn’t work on Etsy!
I once owned a pair of Converse for the sake of being cool coolio. They hurt my feet, how in the sweet christ did people play basketball in them EVER? Soles made of cast iron? My feet were in agony after wearing them for a day
And the heels always wear out before the rest of the sole. Most overrated shoes ever.
I’ve never had the soles wear out on me (heel or otherwise) and I’ve had pairs that have lasted for a decade. Maybe you walk unevenly or something.
Meh, maybe my feet are just weird but I love my Chucks. I have a pair that has lasted me like 10 years (still going strong!). And they can be yours for the low, low price of $29.99! It’s a super deal because I used them for gym in the 7th grade which makes them super vintage. Take that shitty Etsy sellers!
I’m not sure whether I’m more squicked by the thought of making peanut butter in the same thing I use to dry my skivvies, or by the thought of drying my skivvies in the same thing I use to make peanut butter.
“You got skivvies in my peanut butter!”
“You got peanut butter in my skivvies!”
“…Thats not peanut butter….”
“My peanut butter turned out gritty AGAIN! In completely unrelated news, I think there’s still sand in my crack.”
Two great tastes in one…
The crazy thing is, I have an vintage ouija board (actual vintage, not etsy “vintage”- it’s a wooden one that belonged to my grandmother), that’s missing its viewer. Not that I’d spend $8 +shipping for a plastic one.
Crap, I meant “a vintage ouija board,” not “an.” The heat has already gotten to my brain. :/
Yeah I’m missing the planchette from my ouija board too. Mine is “vintage” I guess, as in it’s more than 20 years old, and I think the one they are selling is similar to the type that came with it, it’s one of those Parker Brothers ones.
I mostly used it as a hard surface underneath paper I was writing or drawing on more than anything else.
Does writing and drawing on it leave you with divine inspiration?
No, but the pencil keeps jumping out of her hand to write FUCKERY.
I’ve got one of the thin pressboard ones. I resined it into the inside of an ugly tray, so now I can serve treats and commune with the dead at the same time! The planchette thing is kicking around my place somewhere, haven’t managed to figure out what to do with it yet.
Make a fascinator out of it. All you need is sequins, some watch gears and a smug, faraway expression on your face.
Make a drink coaster and offer spirits to the spirits.
Turn it into a holder for salsa?
We found all kinds of old junk in our new house when we moved. The metal stuff went to the road so people without jobs could take it to the scrapyard for whatever cash they could get for it. Etsy: Michigan Style.
When I lived in Charleston, SC, the curb was like a magical black hole where things disappeared within 30 minutes. Got rid of an old computer and a couch that way. Even sat on the porch and watched people pick through the stuff that came out of a house that had been set on fire. If only I had known of Etsy at that time. I’m sure the smokey smell would have knocked the prices up at least $10.
I live on a road like that, too! Mine’s in Ohio. People will pick shit up before I get back to the house from dumping it.
It’s like that in the Los Angeles too- we moved an old dish washer from the backyard to the curb for heavy pick up day and someone nabbed it before the trash people came. I wonder when they realized there was a multi-generational black widow nest on the underside (it had been in the backyard for at least six months, closer to a year)
I was trying to figure out which would hit the front page first. My money is on the chucks. Everything about that picture is the stuff of an Etsy wet dream.
I wonder if those awesome random pencils are included with the cassette tapes.
I’m just trying to figure out the logic there.
How does the 80s/90s equate pencils?
Because you were at school when you had cassette tapes?
Saved By the bell?
And yet it oddly works.
Alas the only people who’d buy it (hipsters) aren’t likely to listen to Dolly Parton. unless they’re re-winding her to listen for the voice of Satan delivering cupcake recipes.
Dolly could fit all of those pencils under one ta-ta.
NOW do you want to buy the tape?
Of course you do!
Sometimes she’d put a typewriter under there if it was the final draft.
When your cassette player eats tapes, you use a pencil to wind it back up.
Or to fast-forward to the awesome parts… if these tapes included “awesome parts.”
Dolly has awesome parts, and unlike original equipment human parts, they never age.
Boo! The work she had done in the 80′s wasa reduction. I shit you not. I know a woman who was a nurse in the hospital.
None of the above. Cassette tapes equates to pencils because that’s what you used if you needed to rewind a tape manually or tighten it up if it wasn’t playing properly.
Man, I feel old. I’d go out and tell the kids to get off my lawn, but I live in an “active adult” community; tellng the sandhill cranes to get off my lawn just doesn’t have the same punch to it.
If they’ve been stored in a car’s glove compartment all this time, they’d both be the Best of Queen by now.
ALL THE THUMBS for Good Omens reference!
I sell vintage dishes and silver. That fork looks like one I would take out of the bag and throw away on my way out of Goodwill. (Tetanus, anyone? It thrives in rust.)
The tetanus is a gift with purchase.
I guess you don’t realize sterling silver doesn’t rust. I know you aren’t implying that spork isn’t all it’s claiming to be.
We have that salad spinner, and I don’t think we paid $15 for it new. You can buy it new from Amazon for under $13.
Of course, this one’s probably been used to dry out their nasty swimsuit, so it will add a nice picante flavor to your salad.
Does picante mean “mildew and sweat” or is it more like “chlorine and salt water”?
It means “ass”.
I think it’s more like Swass:
I just bought that same exact salad spinner at Wal-Mart last week for under $5. I saved myself $10 plus shipping.
Yeah, and it would go perfectly with that vintage “I think I got most of the cheese off” grater clock.
I like the seller’s insistence that you continue to use the paintbrush as a hand broom. Whateva whateva, I do what I want!
You don’t know me.
Ah, Bitch Pudding. Every time I get a taste you leave me wanting more.
I see what they did there, now I want to buy it just to use it to slap wallpaper paste around and send them a photo, in fact, I think I will buy it and sell it as a ‘prop’ for an adult movie and send them a copy.
Hey pretty lady, I’m the decorator…
Tiny yellow pencils are the new barnwood?
Someone posted before that “cuttlefish is the new barnwood” and I’m still really hoping that catches on.
Personally I was rooting for blackboard as the new barnwood. But cuttlefish makes so much more sense.
No! Barnwood must remain #1! After I joined regretsy I reshot all my bags against Barnwood. And I shit you not sales jumped. Bags that had sat in my shop for over a year were out the door by the end of the week. Thank you, regretsy you really and truly made my shop more profitable.
I could totally use a good case of Athletes foot.
I’ve got two cases on clearance, left & right. If you need more I have a full gross on the way!
Why would I buy used grody looking Chucks when I can buy them brand new for the same price?
So you can not shave your legs, put them on, and sell pictures to pervy old guys on eBay?
New ones aren’t ironic.
I sure hope the pencils are included with the Kenny and Dolly Cassette Tapes. That way when the tapes unravel, you can use the pencils to wind the tape back in!
You know what else dries panty hose and bathing suits in a hurry? A DRYER.
I always thought that’s what the husband did on laundry day, resulting in hose and bathing suits for the little one’s doll and/or a divorce.
Yeah, but can you make peanut butter with a dryer?
You CAN make butter in a tumble dryer.
Wow those Chuck’s actually sold. Gross.
But where would teens who take pictures of their friends’ feet pointed together for facebook be without Etsy and used shoes?
Aww, damn. My great-uncle was a hoarder of epic proportions, and when we moved him out to the nursing home we discovered he had tons of crappy, broken-down 1970s-era cookware, enough infomercial items to choke Marie Osmond, and a rather hair-raising amount of Tiajuana Bibles and 1950s porn. We just threw 90% of it out because it was all covered in mouse piss and bat droppings, but we were sitting on an Etsy goldmine and didn’t even know it. Rodent urine just gives patina and character, right?
But the 10% you kept included the 1950s porn, right?
Yeah…most of it’s still in a storage trailer out at my house. The old Playboys and Penthouses were actually pretty interesting. Some of the old “erotic men’s novels” however, were downright frightening. Also, it was terribly mentally scarring to find the porn stash of the man who gave you china dolls for Christmas when you were a little kid. If I ever end up getting a porn stash, I’m burning it before I die so my descendants will never learn things about me they most assuredly didn’t want to know.
Porn disposal, a top reason to get married, and stay married.
Marriage – a top reason to lose a porn ‘stache, and build a porn stash.
Burning a porn stash? Why destroy perfectly good hardware? Just reformat the hard drive and you’re good to go.
Thank God we have the internet now.
When my step-grandfather died in 2000, his old house was a veritable TROVE of vintage shit from the 60s. Fortunately, he didn’t have pets nor any rodent problems; just some intensive dust removal in most cases. UNfortunately, I have a hard time parting with almost anything that’s older than I am, if it still performs its intended functions. A lot of the stuff went to charity shops, but we got to call some pretty damn good dibs beforehand.
If Etsy and its “vintage” fascination had been around, I might’ve cleaned up even more than we did on eBay. But on the other hand, maybe it’s the illusion of vintage that Etsy loves and anything I might’ve listed would still be lingering, unsold for not being ironic enough.
One has to be so careful how to enunciate and pronounce “Dolly Parton’s Greatest Hits”….
Make that T nice and clear.
Those are not shoe lasts! Shoe lasts are shaped like a whole foot, because that’s what shoemakers form shoes on. Of course, maybe there’s a market for shoes for people without heels that I am not aware of.
They are shoe stretchers. They make leather shoes wider. (13 years as a wardrobe mistress and you will think tose things are the greatest).
It’s true. I am a hoarder of beading supplies.
And packing materials. Bring on the bubble wrap!
Hey, call me if you need an intervention. I’d be happy to take some of that away for you. You know, if it’d help at all.
Don’t knock bubble wrap. It helped me quite smoking (kept my hands busy).
Of course I meant to write “quit”. Derp.
That’s it. I’m burning down Etsy.
Seeing people selling broken worn out crap that should be thrown in the garbage pisses me off. It’s bad enough that a tonne of people use it as their own personal garage sale, but selling garbage makes it 10 times worse.
If chucks in that condition are worth $30 then I have been walking around all day in a three year old pair worth at least $50
I sold a pair of the double high tops in flannel that we’re vintage 80s from high school, I hardly wore them because I spent so much of my allowance to get them…on ebay
Cassette seller took so much time arranging the tapes and pencils, when it came time to dust them, well… fuck that noise.
It’s not dust, silly. It’s hipster velvet.
My vote for comment of the day. And I want it on a sampler. I just can’t figure out the graphic I’d add to submit it in yesterday’s contest.
I broke my FJL commenting cherry yesterday, so I’m happy to see this reply. It’s all downhill from here until I write my memoirs and make a comeback.
How can anyone buy used sneakers after the Keds post the other day?
Don’t you mean how can the seller charge so little for used sneakers after the Keds post the other day?
Used: it does always mean what you think it means.
I does NOT always mean what you think it means. DAMMIT, joke ruined by fat fingers.
Actually, I think the original joke was pretty funny. “Used: It DOES always mean what you think it means.” It doesn’t mean vintage, it doesn’t mean upcycled, it means USED. In fact, I was gonna ask for a sampler.
See? Fat fingers make jokes better. That’s why everyone here is so damn funny. Fat Joke Laughter: Putting the in FJL in FJL.
I does not always mean what I thinks it do, though. That’s definitely true.
“Used” always means someone’s used it to jerk off with?
Call the Antiques Roadshow: I think that might just be a genuine Paul Revere Spork!
I can see it with older people who survived the depression. My mom was a hoarder (though never to the extent it endangered her or anyone else’s life. She honestly just never got over the fear that some day, the bottom was going to drop out of everything again.
So I grew up in a house where nothing got thrown away unless it was obviously so badly broken it couldn’t be fixed.
After she died, my sisters and I went through her stuff and found close to $1,000 in $10s and $20s hidden in purses. We also threw out the old silverware she had, which bore a very close resemblance to the spoon posted above.
So I can kind of understand hoarding in older people who had hard lives, but I can’t for the life of me understand why young people do it. Because frankly, that spoon’s a health hazard.
I can, to a degree. When I was growing up, we moved often, and I never got to keep stuff for very long. Toys, pets, houseplants, furniture – you name it. I think as a kid, you could fit everything I owned in a standard-sized cardboard box.
This didn’t stabilize until I was in high school, when we only moved 3 times, but I got to attend the same school the whole time.
I hate moving, and I hate getting rid of anything, to this day. Which makes living in a small studio a little uncomfortable.
Most people live in a space, and their things are around them. My things occupy a space, and I live around them.
Also, if you’re a person who swings between about fifteen different hobbies (*cough*) then the equipment and supplies for them can pile up, not to mention the unfinished and finished projects. My stuff’s all useful… when I can get to it.
Maybe the grandprents’ beliefs stayed with them? I know that I have kept some of the mentality of the grandmother who pretty much raised me through toddlerhood. She was forced to move out west when her family lost their farm in the depression, and she pinched every penny she brought with her. Don’t get me wrong, she never hoarded, but she was of the ‘save your money/stuff for a rainy day’ mentality.
It’s the little things that always amuse me. Seller of the rustic kitchen fork can not identify it correctly as a Spork, yet is forward thinking enough to mention it’s 9 inches long.
Also, That’s what she said
It’s not a spork. It’s a fish spoon.
Daily, I wake up and think
“Today I shall mount my useless crap upon the old dusty, yet charmingly weathered, bones of barns and/or cuttlefish.
I will take photos! Andwith my trusty “eBay for Dummies (1st signed edition)” by my side I will SELL IT ALL ON THE ETSY!
Subsequently I’ll retire to a small shack on the northern coast of Nunuvut. For there it has been foretold that my followers and I (Of course I have followers. What do you mean I don’t have followers? Shut up. You’re just jealous) will breed loyal mosquitoes the size of horses!
Fear me you unbelievers. My army of buzzing bloodthirsty minions will help me conquer the world. And thanks to global warming, I’ll even have easy access to shipping routes and-”
Then the medication kicks in.
Let it be known that I slaughtered one of your minions with my bare hand this evening and henceforth demand to be known as “Minionslayer”
Chuck Taylors become practically worthless about 2 months into their lifespan. Can you even imagine how crappy a pair of used ones must be?
Not to mention the size of the smell.
You can change that, you know.
The classics NEVER get old on this site!!!
You just KNOW the VHS guy was just biding his time until it was 2012 so he could call it “vintage” and list it on Etsy. He had to wait that long, because anywhere else it would be categorized under “CRAP”.
“It’s still factory sealed because even I couldn’t bring myself to want to watch this piece of garbage.”
The only possible market for that tape is “Toronto Blue Jays fans”, which seems somehwat limited to me, even for the internet. You’d have better luck listing it on Toronto’s Craigslist for the cost of postage.
Wait, there’s another market: “anyone who hates the Braves”. Perhaps they thought that would have a wider appeal.
Did anyone else happen to accidentally click on the chuck picture, like me, and notice that those fuckers had SOLD!!!??? What the flying fuck, i hope it wasn’t a CF4Ler, or I will be really disappointed in us.
Etsy needs to add two more options to the list of what you do in your shop for its new About page:
Owner, Designer, Maker, Curator, Reseller, Hoarder
and a search category called junk.
The two that are antiques are not overpriced. The rest of the Vintage – wait! … those are ( eBay: ‘well-loved’, ‘trashed’, ‘pre-owned’, ‘well worn’) sneakers with MINOR TEARS BELOW THE TONGUE!!! Image spillover from Keds are for Cocks …ewwww.
Oh look, my local Freecycle now has pictures. Wait, this shit is not for free, they actually want money for this? This is not Freecycle, but this is the same shit available for free on my local Freecycle.
Darn, the “worn to perfection” sneakers are sold. WTF
Okay, which one of you bought them. I’ve got a vintage netipot I’ll let you have for only $23.95.
Perfect for your loved ones with nasal fetishes.
Fucking fuck! I can’t even remember how to spell wimsicle, no! whimsickle, no! whimsical, NO! that can’t be it.
Maybe when paper dictionaries become vintage, I can buy one on Etsy and look it up.
Though, thesauruses (thesauri?) must be vintage by now. Maybe I can get one of those.
The next time the ice cream truck stops on my corner playing turkey-in-the-straw I will go to the window and ask for a Whimsicle. I’m fairly certain that consuming it will not only make me feel like I’m 8 years old again, but will also give me the crafting skills of an 8 year old with a glue gun. I will sell the resulting crap on etsy and call it steampunk. I will blame the Whimsicle.
Apropos of nothing, reminds me of a comic strip that showed a teenage dinosaur. “Ralph studies hard, hoping to grow up and be a thesaurus.”
Aww man! As soon as I clean out my garage (just bought a house from a old couple – the man was a hoarder), I’ll have tonnes of shit to sell on Etsy! I’ve got jars upon jars of rusty nails, screws, door knobs etc then there’s old drawers with no cabinets, a fully stocked medicine cabinet from the 60s (I don’t think they used or threw out anything) I’M GONNA BE RICH!
Seeing a 1992 VHS as vintage is sad. I was born in 1992. That makes me now officially vintage. I resent that.
20 years old is “classic”
Aw, don’t feel bad, yecats. I’m practically antique.
I was born in 1986, how do you think I feel when you call yourself vintage?
Gad. I could have birthed you out as a teen mother in 1986.
And in 1986, *I* could have birthed YOU out as a much-older-than-a-teen-mother, which makes Cygnet young enough to be my granddau—
I need a drink.
I want to know how many of those things were on the front page.
Are those screenshots from a real show or are they just a joke? Sorry if it seems obvious but I don’t live in America and if it is a real show I’d love to see that episode hehe
There is a real show called Hoarders, which I believe those are modeled from.
Yes, a real show (you can probably see episodes online; it’s very disturbing…but the upside is that after watching, you’ll look around your house and think, “You know, maybe it’s not that cluttered after all!” or you’ll go on a cleaning frenzy–either one).
These items that April posted are all from Etsy, however.
Hoarders is the best thing ever for me when I’m putting off spring cleaning and need to get started. One episode is all it takes.
“Chippy” is the new black and I’ll put a little “wiggle” to you, bitch.
I think I saw most of that stuff at a yard sale in Scrotum, Alabama. I drove my car straight through that yard sale…I thought I destroyed most of that crap, but I guess I missed the Ye Olde Chuck Taylors and food-encrusted fork.
Vintage Black Metal Dust Pan and Hand Broom
The salad spinner, and the cassette tapes, what the fuck?? Is etsy now a code word for “garage sale”?
I’m afraid to ask how in to fuck one makes peanut butter in a salad spinner. >_O
People are insane? Etsy sellers? The ones who aren’t hoarders, aren’t Chinese resellers and use pine cones for toilet paper? Them? What a surprise.
I <3 to hear jagoff cuppled with adjectives.
Regretsy: fun till it turns on me (or makes fun of the very big chip on my shoulder).
Sounds like someone’s got a bad case of criabeetus.
True, when I think of Kenny Rogers I think of pencil stubs.
But where are the hot air balloon-shaped erasers for Dolly?
There’s a market for everything out there…Sometimes that is a truly terrifying thought.
FINALLY, I belong to the 1%! Oh, wait I have a sense of humor.
I am an Etsy seller, and not a reseller or a hoarder…oh wait…just checked my craft crap…I am not a reseller. That much I can be sure of. My sanity was never an issue. If it existed.
A&E’s cameras are NOT allowed inside my workspace. That is all I’m gonna say about that.
Fucky fuck fuck! You FJL’s talk to much! I was looking for all the flouncing gooness and gave up about 1/4 of the way through the comments.
somebody clue me in, I’ve had too much to drink. Can someone show me the flounce? please? I can’t find it in the Facebook comments.
You must have posted one of her items for her to get so offended. No one wants your rusty fork, bitch. But you should really buy yourself a sense of humor.
I love Regretsy, but I hate all the hilarious writing and jokes about resellers and bad crafts.
Otherwise, I love Regretsy.
She might not be able to afford a sense of humor if she’s dumpster diving to sell on Etsy. Bless her heart.
a flamingo flounce! great way to start my Wednesday afternoon.
spiteful witch? Oh, yawn yawn yawn…can’t even make a mini sampler out of that. Geez, .if you are going to flounce, do it with some bounce. Super sensitive butt or what?
Although the facebook Regretsy twist of “Spriteful Witch” as a cocktail does make that more palatable …I’d have posted that there but got banned from there for saying “yawn” there once. Once.. And I said it thrice here, so that shows how boring I find this flounce.
I would totally make that my signature cocktail.
So much barn wood, I think I just came. No lie.
haha I missed the best “selling point” of the Salad Spinner: “Do kids art”.
Man, I can only imagine the types of Ye Olde art the kids made WAY back when they made that salad spinner…2002 was a turbulent time for the nation- I remember in 1998 when I used to have to spin my salad in my sock, for up to 4 minutes…5 for arugula.
Does that butthurt etsy seller remind anyone else of Sean Penn ans SNL mocking him endlessly for not getting the joke?
Wow. Humorless Flouncetwat needs to have a good cry, then sell her gently used tissues in her hoarder shop. Or offer to trade for butthurt ointment.
Her Etsy profile says “From there it was just a short jump to selling my creations – a short jump made necessary by a lack of storage space!”
Must have hit a nerve.
There are quite a number of people that only imagine they sell things on Etsy, since they haven’t actually sold anything on Etsy. But if any of these things sell on Etsy, then I really should put my Hoard up on it.
“Tenditors eureka” means, “I find it will stretch,” in Attic Greek.
I knew that course in college would be helpful someday.
Classical Goatse reference?
I have a pair of Converse just like that! I’ve had them since sophomore year of college. They’re covered in bloodstains, and they smell like cat piss. I wonder how much I could get for them on Etsy?
I’m not a horder nor a chinese reseller and I DON’T sell on Etsy. That’s proof that Regretsy got it right once again.
I really want someone, more talented than I, to record “fffflounce!” in a very Mortal Kombat-esc voice.
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