False; that shit is gonna get hotglued into some sort of steampunk goggle apparatus faster than you can come up with a new, neo-spiritual name for the playa.
I have this exact same salad spinner, and believe me, it can barely spin lettuce leaves, let alone peanut butter.
I’ve been thinking of buying my cat a new litter box. Nothing wrong with the one she uses now, it’s just been in use for over 20 years (it’s on its second cat). Do you think I could find a buyer on Etsy? Help me think of new uses for it! I’m thinking… zen garden?
…If that was ever intended to be a paintbrush, then I’m the Lion King. I can see it being used for whitewash or something like that, but house paint…?!
Hm, I’d think a zipper foot would be more efficient. But perhaps you don’t overstuff yours like I do and end up with stuffing scum build up on the side of your pasta pan and a couple mostly-empty overly-mushy wanna-be ravioli carcasses? Hm, maybe it’s just me.
I once saw an episode of “Good Eats”, with Alton Brown, where he used a washing machine to clean, and spin dry, collard greens. Just sayin’.
Oh, and I read a book once that had recipes for cooking with the heat from the manifold on your car. I only tried it once. Pork roast. Took me 233 miles to cook it, and it wasn’t bad. Actually, it was pretty nice to have a meal all ready at the end of the trip! Now if I could just find a book to get a guy to get me a sandwich and a beer…
I know from personal experience that everything you mentioned is possible. Yes, I have machine-washed and spun-dry greens, but they were nettles. I cooked beef stew on a Chevy pick-up’s manifold — well, I made the stew and my husband “cooked” it.
Pro-Tip: Look for a man who grew up with a lot of bossy sisters.
I’ve heard of cooking salmon in the dishwasher (and apparently people I know online have done this) but the rest of these are new to me.
I’m thinking Regretsy cooking tips channel on youtube. “Don’t have a salad spinner? Quick, grab a clean tube sock…” “Now, while the dishwasher is running, let’s step into the laundry room…”
My grandparents wouldn’t buy a single one of these pieces of crap. I submit that “rich and credulous” is more of a factor here than “old,” though the two categories may overlap.
Seriously, lord help us if they ever figure out the computer machine and world wide web tubes enough to get to Etsy. It’ll be like the home shopping network but worse.
Does PayPal take checks with shaky, spidery handwriting and stuff crossed out that took 10 minutes to write? That’s how old people buy everything, especially in front of me at the store.
I totally do! One portable and one big stereo with TWO cassette decks. And I have the tapes to play in them. And I do. Regularly. Sometimes I even get crazy and use the auxiliary input to hook my tape player up to my iHome so I can listen to my folk music in the bedroom. God, I kind of wish I was kidding.
Grandiosity is clearly a factor as well. What else explains the delusional thinking that leads them to believe they can get $22.50 for something that they’d be lucky to sell for a quarter at a garage sale?
My grandmother had an old dustpan like that for years – it never gave out so why buy another? We tossed it when she died – stupid us, could have netted $20 for it’s chippy, dippy vintageness.
Spite would be an awesome name for a store, think of all the great stuff bitter, divorcing people would donate just to spite their ex!
‘Where the hell are my £1000 golf clubs and top of the range stereo?’, ‘What, the golf clubs you used to meet your new bitch at the 19th hole? I donated them, go buy them back if they mean so much!’
Considering the creamy, dreamy photos I’ll be surprised if 99% of these haven’t made the FP and found new homes with hipsters.
Come to think of it, I could really get into Hoarders: Hipster edition. I’m seeing soneone in skants dissolve into tears as Dr Zasio gets her to part with her 500daddy press-on moustaches.
1) You can see Jesus in the “patina”without having a drink first;
2) You have had the item so long that you no longer remember who you borrowed it from;
3) The cable company sends you a final shutoff notice;
4) The shit was in the basement when you moved in.
I was going to reply “If I’m going to stick a shoe up my bajingo, it’s going to be a clean, new shoe” but then I realized if I were the type of person to masturbate with a shoe then I probably would also be the type of person who didn’t give two fucks about the hygenic condition of said shoe.
I once owned a pair of Converse for the sake of being cool coolio. They hurt my feet, how in the sweet christ did people play basketball in them EVER? Soles made of cast iron? My feet were in agony after wearing them for a day
Meh, maybe my feet are just weird but I love my Chucks. I have a pair that has lasted me like 10 years (still going strong!). And they can be yours for the low, low price of $29.99! It’s a super deal because I used them for gym in the 7th grade which makes them super vintage. Take that shitty Etsy sellers!
I’m not sure whether I’m more squicked by the thought of making peanut butter in the same thing I use to dry my skivvies, or by the thought of drying my skivvies in the same thing I use to make peanut butter.
The crazy thing is, I have an vintage ouija board (actual vintage, not etsy “vintage”- it’s a wooden one that belonged to my grandmother), that’s missing its viewer. Not that I’d spend $8 +shipping for a plastic one.
Yeah I’m missing the planchette from my ouija board too. Mine is “vintage” I guess, as in it’s more than 20 years old, and I think the one they are selling is similar to the type that came with it, it’s one of those Parker Brothers ones.
I mostly used it as a hard surface underneath paper I was writing or drawing on more than anything else.
I’ve got one of the thin pressboard ones. I resined it into the inside of an ugly tray, so now I can serve treats and commune with the dead at the same time! The planchette thing is kicking around my place somewhere, haven’t managed to figure out what to do with it yet.
We found all kinds of old junk in our new house when we moved. The metal stuff went to the road so people without jobs could take it to the scrapyard for whatever cash they could get for it. Etsy: Michigan Style.
When I lived in Charleston, SC, the curb was like a magical black hole where things disappeared within 30 minutes. Got rid of an old computer and a couch that way. Even sat on the porch and watched people pick through the stuff that came out of a house that had been set on fire. If only I had known of Etsy at that time. I’m sure the smokey smell would have knocked the prices up at least $10.
It’s like that in the Los Angeles too- we moved an old dish washer from the backyard to the curb for heavy pick up day and someone nabbed it before the trash people came. I wonder when they realized there was a multi-generational black widow nest on the underside (it had been in the backyard for at least six months, closer to a year)
I was trying to figure out which would hit the front page first. My money is on the chucks. Everything about that picture is the stuff of an Etsy wet dream.
I’m just trying to figure out the logic there.
How does the 80s/90s equate pencils?
Because you were at school when you had cassette tapes?
Saved By the bell?
who knows?
And yet it oddly works.
Alas the only people who’d buy it (hipsters) aren’t likely to listen to Dolly Parton. unless they’re re-winding her to listen for the voice of Satan delivering cupcake recipes.
None of the above. Cassette tapes equates to pencils because that’s what you used if you needed to rewind a tape manually or tighten it up if it wasn’t playing properly.
Man, I feel old. I’d go out and tell the kids to get off my lawn, but I live in an “active adult” community; tellng the sandhill cranes to get off my lawn just doesn’t have the same punch to it.
I sell vintage dishes and silver. That fork looks like one I would take out of the bag and throw away on my way out of Goodwill. (Tetanus, anyone? It thrives in rust.)
I see what they did there, now I want to buy it just to use it to slap wallpaper paste around and send them a photo, in fact, I think I will buy it and sell it as a ‘prop’ for an adult movie and send them a copy.
No! Barnwood must remain #1! After I joined regretsy I reshot all my bags against Barnwood. And I shit you not sales jumped. Bags that had sat in my shop for over a year were out the door by the end of the week. Thank you, regretsy you really and truly made my shop more profitable.
I sure hope the pencils are included with the Kenny and Dolly Cassette Tapes. That way when the tapes unravel, you can use the pencils to wind the tape back in!
Aww, damn. My great-uncle was a hoarder of epic proportions, and when we moved him out to the nursing home we discovered he had tons of crappy, broken-down 1970s-era cookware, enough infomercial items to choke Marie Osmond, and a rather hair-raising amount of Tiajuana Bibles and 1950s porn. We just threw 90% of it out because it was all covered in mouse piss and bat droppings, but we were sitting on an Etsy goldmine and didn’t even know it. Rodent urine just gives patina and character, right?
Yeah…most of it’s still in a storage trailer out at my house. The old Playboys and Penthouses were actually pretty interesting. Some of the old “erotic men’s novels” however, were downright frightening. Also, it was terribly mentally scarring to find the porn stash of the man who gave you china dolls for Christmas when you were a little kid. If I ever end up getting a porn stash, I’m burning it before I die so my descendants will never learn things about me they most assuredly didn’t want to know.
When my step-grandfather died in 2000, his old house was a veritable TROVE of vintage shit from the 60s. Fortunately, he didn’t have pets nor any rodent problems; just some intensive dust removal in most cases. UNfortunately, I have a hard time parting with almost anything that’s older than I am, if it still performs its intended functions. A lot of the stuff went to charity shops, but we got to call some pretty damn good dibs beforehand.
If Etsy and its “vintage” fascination had been around, I might’ve cleaned up even more than we did on eBay. But on the other hand, maybe it’s the illusion of vintage that Etsy loves and anything I might’ve listed would still be lingering, unsold for not being ironic enough.
Those are not shoe lasts! Shoe lasts are shaped like a whole foot, because that’s what shoemakers form shoes on. Of course, maybe there’s a market for shoes for people without heels that I am not aware of.
Seeing people selling broken worn out crap that should be thrown in the garbage pisses me off. It’s bad enough that a tonne of people use it as their own personal garage sale, but selling garbage makes it 10 times worse.
I sold a pair of the double high tops in flannel that we’re vintage 80s from high school, I hardly wore them because I spent so much of my allowance to get them…on ebay
Actually, I think the original joke was pretty funny. “Used: It DOES always mean what you think it means.” It doesn’t mean vintage, it doesn’t mean upcycled, it means USED. In fact, I was gonna ask for a sampler.
See? Fat fingers make jokes better. That’s why everyone here is so damn funny. Fat Joke Laughter: Putting the in FJL in FJL.
I does not always mean what I thinks it do, though. That’s definitely true.
I can see it with older people who survived the depression. My mom was a hoarder (though never to the extent it endangered her or anyone else’s life. She honestly just never got over the fear that some day, the bottom was going to drop out of everything again.
So I grew up in a house where nothing got thrown away unless it was obviously so badly broken it couldn’t be fixed.
After she died, my sisters and I went through her stuff and found close to $1,000 in $10s and $20s hidden in purses. We also threw out the old silverware she had, which bore a very close resemblance to the spoon posted above.
So I can kind of understand hoarding in older people who had hard lives, but I can’t for the life of me understand why young people do it. Because frankly, that spoon’s a health hazard.
I can, to a degree. When I was growing up, we moved often, and I never got to keep stuff for very long. Toys, pets, houseplants, furniture – you name it. I think as a kid, you could fit everything I owned in a standard-sized cardboard box.
This didn’t stabilize until I was in high school, when we only moved 3 times, but I got to attend the same school the whole time.
I hate moving, and I hate getting rid of anything, to this day. Which makes living in a small studio a little uncomfortable.
Most people live in a space, and their things are around them. My things occupy a space, and I live around them.
Also, if you’re a person who swings between about fifteen different hobbies (*cough*) then the equipment and supplies for them can pile up, not to mention the unfinished and finished projects. My stuff’s all useful… when I can get to it.
Maybe the grandprents’ beliefs stayed with them? I know that I have kept some of the mentality of the grandmother who pretty much raised me through toddlerhood. She was forced to move out west when her family lost their farm in the depression, and she pinched every penny she brought with her. Don’t get me wrong, she never hoarded, but she was of the ‘save your money/stuff for a rainy day’ mentality.
It’s the little things that always amuse me. Seller of the rustic kitchen fork can not identify it correctly as a Spork, yet is forward thinking enough to mention it’s 9 inches long.
“Today I shall mount my useless crap upon the old dusty, yet charmingly weathered, bones of barns and/or cuttlefish.
I will take photos! Andwith my trusty “eBay for Dummies (1st signed edition)” by my side I will SELL IT ALL ON THE ETSY!
Subsequently I’ll retire to a small shack on the northern coast of Nunuvut. For there it has been foretold that my followers and I (Of course I have followers. What do you mean I don’t have followers? Shut up. You’re just jealous) will breed loyal mosquitoes the size of horses!
Fear me you unbelievers. My army of buzzing bloodthirsty minions will help me conquer the world. And thanks to global warming, I’ll even have easy access to shipping routes and-”
You just KNOW the VHS guy was just biding his time until it was 2012 so he could call it “vintage” and list it on Etsy. He had to wait that long, because anywhere else it would be categorized under “CRAP”.
The only possible market for that tape is “Toronto Blue Jays fans”, which seems somehwat limited to me, even for the internet. You’d have better luck listing it on Toronto’s Craigslist for the cost of postage.
Wait, there’s another market: “anyone who hates the Braves”. Perhaps they thought that would have a wider appeal.
Did anyone else happen to accidentally click on the chuck picture, like me, and notice that those fuckers had SOLD!!!??? What the flying fuck, i hope it wasn’t a CF4Ler, or I will be really disappointed in us.
The two that are antiques are not overpriced. The rest of the Vintage – wait! … those are ( eBay: ‘well-loved’, ‘trashed’, ‘pre-owned’, ‘well worn’) sneakers with MINOR TEARS BELOW THE TONGUE!!! Image spillover from Keds are for Cocks …ewwww.
Oh look, my local Freecycle now has pictures. Wait, this shit is not for free, they actually want money for this? This is not Freecycle, but this is the same shit available for free on my local Freecycle.
Fucking fuck! I can’t even remember how to spell wimsicle, no! whimsickle, no! whimsical, NO! that can’t be it.
Maybe when paper dictionaries become vintage, I can buy one on Etsy and look it up.
Though, thesauruses (thesauri?) must be vintage by now. Maybe I can get one of those.
The next time the ice cream truck stops on my corner playing turkey-in-the-straw I will go to the window and ask for a Whimsicle. I’m fairly certain that consuming it will not only make me feel like I’m 8 years old again, but will also give me the crafting skills of an 8 year old with a glue gun. I will sell the resulting crap on etsy and call it steampunk. I will blame the Whimsicle.
Aww man! As soon as I clean out my garage (just bought a house from a old couple – the man was a hoarder), I’ll have tonnes of shit to sell on Etsy! I’ve got jars upon jars of rusty nails, screws, door knobs etc then there’s old drawers with no cabinets, a fully stocked medicine cabinet from the 60s (I don’t think they used or threw out anything) I’M GONNA BE RICH!
Are those screenshots from a real show or are they just a joke? Sorry if it seems obvious but I don’t live in America and if it is a real show I’d love to see that episode hehe
Yes, a real show (you can probably see episodes online; it’s very disturbing…but the upside is that after watching, you’ll look around your house and think, “You know, maybe it’s not that cluttered after all!” or you’ll go on a cleaning frenzy–either one).
These items that April posted are all from Etsy, however.
I think I saw most of that stuff at a yard sale in Scrotum, Alabama. I drove my car straight through that yard sale…I thought I destroyed most of that crap, but I guess I missed the Ye Olde Chuck Taylors and food-encrusted fork.
I am an Etsy seller, and not a reseller or a hoarder…oh wait…just checked my craft crap…I am not a reseller. That much I can be sure of. My sanity was never an issue. If it existed.
You must have posted one of her items for her to get so offended. No one wants your rusty fork, bitch. But you should really buy yourself a sense of humor.
spiteful witch? Oh, yawn yawn yawn…can’t even make a mini sampler out of that. Geez, .if you are going to flounce, do it with some bounce. Super sensitive butt or what?
Although the facebook Regretsy twist of “Spriteful Witch” as a cocktail does make that more palatable …I’d have posted that there but got banned from there for saying “yawn” there once. Once.. And I said it thrice here, so that shows how boring I find this flounce.
haha I missed the best “selling point” of the Salad Spinner: “Do kids art”.
Man, I can only imagine the types of Ye Olde art the kids made WAY back when they made that salad spinner…2002 was a turbulent time for the nation- I remember in 1998 when I used to have to spin my salad in my sock, for up to 4 minutes…5 for arugula.
There are quite a number of people that only imagine they sell things on Etsy, since they haven’t actually sold anything on Etsy. But if any of these things sell on Etsy, then I really should put my Hoard up on it.
I have a pair of Converse just like that! I’ve had them since sophomore year of college. They’re covered in bloodstains, and they smell like cat piss. I wonder how much I could get for them on Etsy?
June 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm
I see in the future that you will purchase a ouija board.
June 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Oh, I get it.
You use a QUIJA board to see the future, unlike the ouija board, which is used to communicate with the dead.
June 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm
False; that shit is gonna get hotglued into some sort of steampunk goggle apparatus faster than you can come up with a new, neo-spiritual name for the playa.
June 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm
Hate the game, love the playa?
June 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm
The salad spinner has so many uses why get rid of it? Word of advice: “make” the homemade peanut butter BEFORE the kids’ art projects.
The baseball VHS won’t be “vintage” for another 5 years. Useless now, but not vintage
June 12, 2012 at 4:32 pm
My question is , How the hell do you make peanut butter with a salad spinner? Does this one have sharp stuff in it?
June 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Maybe they mean to mix the peanut butter when it has separated? Because that makes sense?
Thanks but no thanks salad spinner seller, I’ll use that other sellers trusty rusty spork.
Mmm mmm PB and T and J sammich.
The T is for tetanus.
June 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Apparently, you have to use the spinner to dry your swimwear and pantyhose, first. Gives the peanut butter that “delightfully crunchy” texture.
June 12, 2012 at 10:54 pm
My first thought was ‘exactly how do you make peanut butter in a salad spinner’. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh.
June 13, 2012 at 9:14 am
It is for separating the peanuts from their skins…http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/homemade-peanut-butter-recipe/index.html
The salad spinner is the only useful object here, although I could probably find a comparably priced new one on Amazon.
June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am
June 12, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I can’t believe that World Series was 20 years ago already. Shit I’m getting old.
June 13, 2012 at 7:50 am
I have this exact same salad spinner, and believe me, it can barely spin lettuce leaves, let alone peanut butter.
I’ve been thinking of buying my cat a new litter box. Nothing wrong with the one she uses now, it’s just been in use for over 20 years (it’s on its second cat). Do you think I could find a buyer on Etsy? Help me think of new uses for it! I’m thinking… zen garden?
June 13, 2012 at 8:13 am
Don’t bother emptying it. Sell it as complete with upcycled pooprocks and sand.
June 13, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Pooprocks! Brilliant! I’ll bet I can get even more if they’re sprinkled with glitter and tiny cogs.
June 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Congratulations, BrooklynK. You’ve just created steampoop.
June 13, 2012 at 7:21 pm
Sand box for baby fairies?
June 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Steamplanchette?
It was inevitable, I suppose.
June 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Steampunk goggles that can talk to the dead?
June 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm
“used as a hand broom in its previous life”
Karma is a bitch.
June 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm
“and should continue to do so.”
Talk about getting fucked in the caste.
June 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm
Hey spoon “fork you!”
June 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm
…If that was ever intended to be a paintbrush, then I’m the Lion King. I can see it being used for whitewash or something like that, but house paint…?!
June 13, 2012 at 7:51 am
Maybe you could use the paintbrush to spread the peanut butter you made in the salad spinner?
June 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Do you make homemade peanut butter in a salad spinner the same way you make homemade gazpacho in a washing machine?
June 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm
It’s more like the way you make homemade popcorn in the vacuum cleaner or martinis in the humidifier.
June 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Kinda like how I’m currently making salisbury steak in my stereo cabinet and reheating last nights Chinese with my blow dryer?
June 12, 2012 at 3:51 pm
My stereo got pretty hot too.
June 12, 2012 at 5:47 pm
I’m making ravioli with my sewing machine!
June 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Do you use a ball tip sewing needle for that?
June 13, 2012 at 11:13 am
And an even-feet foot?
June 14, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Hm, I’d think a zipper foot would be more efficient. But perhaps you don’t overstuff yours like I do and end up with stuffing scum build up on the side of your pasta pan and a couple mostly-empty overly-mushy wanna-be ravioli carcasses? Hm, maybe it’s just me.
June 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm
I say once the salad spinner is used to dry bathing suits and undergarments it’s not good for anything else except crabs dip.
June 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Hey!
Oh. Those crabs.
June 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Maybe she did those things after making the bathtub gin. Homemade of course.
June 13, 2012 at 9:37 am
i’ve heard of people making LSD in the bathtub… same thing right?
June 13, 2012 at 12:58 am
I once saw an episode of “Good Eats”, with Alton Brown, where he used a washing machine to clean, and spin dry, collard greens. Just sayin’.
Oh, and I read a book once that had recipes for cooking with the heat from the manifold on your car. I only tried it once. Pork roast. Took me 233 miles to cook it, and it wasn’t bad. Actually, it was pretty nice to have a meal all ready at the end of the trip! Now if I could just find a book to get a guy to get me a sandwich and a beer…
June 13, 2012 at 3:22 am
I know from personal experience that everything you mentioned is possible. Yes, I have machine-washed and spun-dry greens, but they were nettles. I cooked beef stew on a Chevy pick-up’s manifold — well, I made the stew and my husband “cooked” it.
Pro-Tip: Look for a man who grew up with a lot of bossy sisters.
June 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm
My Dad and his friends used to scale fish with a washing machine. They were smelt, and so was the washing machine when they finished with it.
June 13, 2012 at 5:55 am
Yes. Sort of like how I am making fried chicken with my waffle iron. And hot dogs with my curling iron.
June 13, 2012 at 7:04 pm
I’ve heard of cooking salmon in the dishwasher (and apparently people I know online have done this) but the rest of these are new to me.
I’m thinking Regretsy cooking tips channel on youtube. “Don’t have a salad spinner? Quick, grab a clean tube sock…” “Now, while the dishwasher is running, let’s step into the laundry room…”
June 14, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Ah, the joys of ‘alternative kitchen units.’ Nothing quite like soup heated up in a coffee maker, or the good old clothes-iron toast.
June 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm
the antique store i used to work at would charge twice as much for this shit and sell it within a day. old people be crazy.
June 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm
My grandparents wouldn’t buy a single one of these pieces of crap. I submit that “rich and credulous” is more of a factor here than “old,” though the two categories may overlap.
June 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm
true! 90% of the people that came into that shop were rich tourists with an eye for kitschy old shit.
June 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm
Seriously, lord help us if they ever figure out the computer machine and world wide web tubes enough to get to Etsy. It’ll be like the home shopping network but worse.
June 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Does PayPal take checks with shaky, spidery handwriting and stuff crossed out that took 10 minutes to write? That’s how old people buy everything, especially in front of me at the store.
June 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm
probably not. I don’t think they accept coupons.
June 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm
Signed as “Mrs. Eugene Thompson” Is that even legal nowadays?
June 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm
You need photogrphs of 5 grandchildren as ID.
June 12, 2012 at 6:50 pm
As well as an early bird special coupon.
June 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Where I live it’s practically mandatory.
June 12, 2012 at 10:34 pm
Ah, Florida?
June 12, 2012 at 10:54 pm
I’m not going to lie, I would probably buy the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton tapes. My Mom and I love that shit
June 13, 2012 at 5:09 am
do you have anything that would play those? My last cassette player bit the big one 4 years ago.
June 13, 2012 at 9:43 am
I totally do! One portable and one big stereo with TWO cassette decks. And I have the tapes to play in them. And I do. Regularly. Sometimes I even get crazy and use the auxiliary input to hook my tape player up to my iHome so I can listen to my folk music in the bedroom. God, I kind of wish I was kidding.
June 13, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I’ve bought cassettes to convert to mp3′s, but it’s only worthwhile if they cost a quarter at a garage sale.
June 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Grandiosity is clearly a factor as well. What else explains the delusional thinking that leads them to believe they can get $22.50 for something that they’d be lucky to sell for a quarter at a garage sale?
June 12, 2012 at 3:37 pm
At a yard sale it’s junk. On Etsy, though, it’s whimsicle vintage!
June 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm
They probably got it at a garage sale. I have no other explanation for the dust pan and paint brush.
June 12, 2012 at 10:36 pm
My grandmother had an old dustpan like that for years – it never gave out so why buy another? We tossed it when she died – stupid us, could have netted $20 for it’s chippy, dippy vintageness.
June 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Dibs on the yardsy.com domain!
Why did..oh that’s silly. We know why. Because nothing. Nothing at all happens.
There is not even an attempt to upcycle. It’s just craigslist items at etsy prices.
I really need to go govern myself now.
June 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm
Yardsy.com, where you can buy upcycled 998-piece jigsaw puzzles with two whimsicle holes for only $69.
June 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm
Fuck me. What’s wrong with people?
June 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm
And a comb with missing teeth. Labelled “distressed,” of course.
June 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm
And repurposed as a necklace holder.
June 12, 2012 at 8:39 pm
You know the sun has started to set on the American Empire when people are selling used, toothless combs.
June 13, 2012 at 12:05 am
Set? We’re almost at that part where the sky flashes green.
June 13, 2012 at 4:25 am
What is that sound, like horses in the distance, like four horses?
June 13, 2012 at 6:49 am
The selling is bad, but it wouldn’t happen if there weren’t buyers. That’s what horrifies me.
June 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm
I see no reason to buy or sell a used dustpan. I have enough of my own dirt to deal with. I don’t need someone else’s ” vintage” dirt.
The Goodwill wouldn’t even take that.
June 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm
It’s not dirt. It’s pixie dust or dustpan life sprinkles or something.
June 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Just imagine all the roaches that dustpan has smashed, and it’s historical, too!
June 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm
And the handle has a little “wiggle” to it. You’re not going to find that kind of authenticity just anywhere.
June 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm
It’s half asbestos and half lead paint chips
June 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Perfect for decorating your nursery/pottery studio/steampunk octopus storage room.
June 12, 2012 at 6:52 pm
The lead paint chips let you know it’s truly vintage.
June 13, 2012 at 1:05 am
Etsy!
Where Goodwill rejects sell for double digit prices!
June 13, 2012 at 6:51 am
That’s it. I’m going to collect my local Goodwill’s rejects and open an Etsy shop. Coming soon: Goodwon’t.
I wouldn’t be surprised if it already exists.
June 13, 2012 at 7:55 am
The real antonym for Goodwill would be Spite. Don’t know if that would work as a store name, though.
June 13, 2012 at 9:04 am
Spite would be an awesome name for a store, think of all the great stuff bitter, divorcing people would donate just to spite their ex!
‘Where the hell are my £1000 golf clubs and top of the range stereo?’, ‘What, the golf clubs you used to meet your new bitch at the 19th hole? I donated them, go buy them back if they mean so much!’
Guaranteed market ;oD
June 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Considering the creamy, dreamy photos I’ll be surprised if 99% of these haven’t made the FP and found new homes with hipsters.
Come to think of it, I could really get into Hoarders: Hipster edition. I’m seeing soneone in skants dissolve into tears as Dr Zasio gets her to part with her 500daddy press-on moustaches.
June 12, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Jesus fuck, Android auto text? 500daddy? You make me look like I type like an intoxicated chimpanzee.
June 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm
I guess that’s better than 500mommy moustaches.
June 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Don’t feel bad, I just assumed 500daddy was just some hipster band I hadn’t heard of.
June 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm
It’s really a shame they broke up. 250uncle just doesn’t have the same edgy sound 500daddy did.
June 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm
You make me feel better.
June 12, 2012 at 7:32 pm
Don’t get used to it.
June 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm
The dust pan at least was on the front page.
June 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm
damn, maybe I should become an etsy seller.
June 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Before I read the title, I thought the salad spinner was some kind of bed pan thing for men. Glad it’s just for tossing salads!
June 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm
errybody loves to get their salad tossed.
June 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm
I thought more of a portable/toddler toilet, but a shit receptacle, nonetheless.
June 12, 2012 at 3:37 pm
It’s like a shitty, overpriced garage sale >.< I'm not sure what's worse, the "vintage" trash or the thirty dollar (!!) VHS tape…
June 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm
I’m somewhat disappointed that those Chuck Taylors aren’t a pair of gently used KEDs.
June 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Gently molested.
June 13, 2012 at 11:32 am
I TOTALLY knew this was going to be a response…
June 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm
How old must a spoon be before it can claim the title of “perfectly aged”?
June 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm
It’s not about the age, it’s all the amount of crud stuck to it that keeps it from being remotely useful.
June 12, 2012 at 4:03 pm
You know your item is perfectly aged when:
1) You can see Jesus in the “patina”without having a drink first;
2) You have had the item so long that you no longer remember who you borrowed it from;
3) The cable company sends you a final shutoff notice;
4) The shit was in the basement when you moved in.
June 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm
or change into a fork. Are we about to witness a caterpillar- chrysalis -FORK transformation?!
June 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm
***SPOILER ALERT***
The Blue Jays won.
June 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm
ARGH! Oh well, we don’t have a VHS player that works anymore, anyway.
June 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm
DAMN YOU, LitB — I wanted to find out for MYSELF.
*flounces off*
June 12, 2012 at 4:22 pm
Where’s my Canadian Club?
June 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm
The shoeforms are kind of cool. Not $25 cool.
Dibs on “tenditors eureka” as a band name. Or maybe ill change it to “trenditors,” seewutididthere
June 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm
“tendinitis, eureka!”
June 12, 2012 at 4:23 pm
“Tendinitis You Reek, Eh!”
June 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm
Trenderitis: n. Inflammation from trying to be too trendy. Not fatal, but can lead to pathologic hoarding and stupidity. See, also, Etsyitis.
June 12, 2012 at 6:20 pm
If you cut yourself on them and it gets infected: “tetanus, eureka!”
June 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm
But… but… I can get a pair of NEW Chucks for thirty bucks!
June 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm
But can you masturbate with them?
June 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm
Yes, but not with the same gusto
June 12, 2012 at 9:18 pm
I was going to reply “If I’m going to stick a shoe up my bajingo, it’s going to be a clean, new shoe” but then I realized if I were the type of person to masturbate with a shoe then I probably would also be the type of person who didn’t give two fucks about the hygenic condition of said shoe.
June 13, 2012 at 4:30 am
Or even prefer a random stranger’s dirty shoe.
June 13, 2012 at 5:58 am
no. Because they are not “girl shoes”.
June 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm
Hush and stop trying to bring logic into it! You know damn well logic doesn’t work on Etsy!
June 12, 2012 at 10:56 pm
I once owned a pair of Converse for the sake of being cool coolio. They hurt my feet, how in the sweet christ did people play basketball in them EVER? Soles made of cast iron? My feet were in agony after wearing them for a day
June 13, 2012 at 9:07 am
And the heels always wear out before the rest of the sole. Most overrated shoes ever.
June 13, 2012 at 10:07 am
I’ve never had the soles wear out on me (heel or otherwise) and I’ve had pairs that have lasted for a decade. Maybe you walk unevenly or something.
June 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Meh, maybe my feet are just weird but I love my Chucks. I have a pair that has lasted me like 10 years (still going strong!). And they can be yours for the low, low price of $29.99! It’s a super deal because I used them for gym in the 7th grade which makes them super vintage. Take that shitty Etsy sellers!
June 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm
I’m not sure whether I’m more squicked by the thought of making peanut butter in the same thing I use to dry my skivvies, or by the thought of drying my skivvies in the same thing I use to make peanut butter.
June 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm
“You got skivvies in my peanut butter!”
“You got peanut butter in my skivvies!”
“…Thats not peanut butter….”
June 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm
“My peanut butter turned out gritty AGAIN! In completely unrelated news, I think there’s still sand in my crack.”
June 13, 2012 at 1:12 am
Two great tastes in one…
June 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm
The crazy thing is, I have an vintage ouija board (actual vintage, not etsy “vintage”- it’s a wooden one that belonged to my grandmother), that’s missing its viewer. Not that I’d spend $8 +shipping for a plastic one.
June 12, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Crap, I meant “a vintage ouija board,” not “an.” The heat has already gotten to my brain. :/
June 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Yeah I’m missing the planchette from my ouija board too. Mine is “vintage” I guess, as in it’s more than 20 years old, and I think the one they are selling is similar to the type that came with it, it’s one of those Parker Brothers ones.
I mostly used it as a hard surface underneath paper I was writing or drawing on more than anything else.
June 13, 2012 at 9:35 am
Does writing and drawing on it leave you with divine inspiration?
June 14, 2012 at 3:39 pm
No, but the pencil keeps jumping out of her hand to write FUCKERY.
*rimshot*
June 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm
I’ve got one of the thin pressboard ones. I resined it into the inside of an ugly tray, so now I can serve treats and commune with the dead at the same time! The planchette thing is kicking around my place somewhere, haven’t managed to figure out what to do with it yet.
June 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Make a fascinator out of it. All you need is sequins, some watch gears and a smug, faraway expression on your face.
June 13, 2012 at 3:32 am
Make a drink coaster and offer spirits to the spirits.
June 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Turn it into a holder for salsa?
June 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm
We found all kinds of old junk in our new house when we moved. The metal stuff went to the road so people without jobs could take it to the scrapyard for whatever cash they could get for it. Etsy: Michigan Style.
June 13, 2012 at 11:47 am
When I lived in Charleston, SC, the curb was like a magical black hole where things disappeared within 30 minutes. Got rid of an old computer and a couch that way. Even sat on the porch and watched people pick through the stuff that came out of a house that had been set on fire. If only I had known of Etsy at that time. I’m sure the smokey smell would have knocked the prices up at least $10.
June 13, 2012 at 1:39 pm
I live on a road like that, too! Mine’s in Ohio. People will pick shit up before I get back to the house from dumping it.
June 14, 2012 at 1:17 pm
It’s like that in the Los Angeles too- we moved an old dish washer from the backyard to the curb for heavy pick up day and someone nabbed it before the trash people came. I wonder when they realized there was a multi-generational black widow nest on the underside (it had been in the backyard for at least six months, closer to a year)
June 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm
I was trying to figure out which would hit the front page first. My money is on the chucks. Everything about that picture is the stuff of an Etsy wet dream.
June 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm
I wonder if those awesome random pencils are included with the cassette tapes.
June 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm
I’m just trying to figure out the logic there.
How does the 80s/90s equate pencils?
Because you were at school when you had cassette tapes?
Saved By the bell?
who knows?
And yet it oddly works.
Alas the only people who’d buy it (hipsters) aren’t likely to listen to Dolly Parton. unless they’re re-winding her to listen for the voice of Satan delivering cupcake recipes.
June 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm
It’s subliminal.
Dolly could fit all of those pencils under one ta-ta.
NOW do you want to buy the tape?
Of course you do!
June 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Sometimes she’d put a typewriter under there if it was the final draft.
June 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm
When your cassette player eats tapes, you use a pencil to wind it back up.
June 12, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Or to fast-forward to the awesome parts… if these tapes included “awesome parts.”
June 13, 2012 at 4:33 am
Dolly has awesome parts, and unlike original equipment human parts, they never age.
June 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm
Boo! The work she had done in the 80′s wasa reduction. I shit you not. I know a woman who was a nurse in the hospital.
June 13, 2012 at 11:18 am
None of the above. Cassette tapes equates to pencils because that’s what you used if you needed to rewind a tape manually or tighten it up if it wasn’t playing properly.
Man, I feel old. I’d go out and tell the kids to get off my lawn, but I live in an “active adult” community; tellng the sandhill cranes to get off my lawn just doesn’t have the same punch to it.
June 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm
If they’ve been stored in a car’s glove compartment all this time, they’d both be the Best of Queen by now.
June 13, 2012 at 12:30 am
ALL THE THUMBS for Good Omens reference!
June 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm
I sell vintage dishes and silver. That fork looks like one I would take out of the bag and throw away on my way out of Goodwill. (Tetanus, anyone? It thrives in rust.)
June 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm
The tetanus is a gift with purchase.
June 13, 2012 at 4:35 am
I guess you don’t realize sterling silver doesn’t rust. I know you aren’t implying that spork isn’t all it’s claiming to be.
June 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm
We have that salad spinner, and I don’t think we paid $15 for it new. You can buy it new from Amazon for under $13.
Of course, this one’s probably been used to dry out their nasty swimsuit, so it will add a nice picante flavor to your salad.
June 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Does picante mean “mildew and sweat” or is it more like “chlorine and salt water”?
June 13, 2012 at 6:00 am
It means “ass”.
June 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm
I think it’s more like Swass:
June 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I just bought that same exact salad spinner at Wal-Mart last week for under $5. I saved myself $10 plus shipping.
June 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm
Yeah, and it would go perfectly with that vintage “I think I got most of the cheese off” grater clock.
June 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm
I like the seller’s insistence that you continue to use the paintbrush as a hand broom. Whateva whateva, I do what I want!
June 13, 2012 at 6:00 am
You don’t know me.
June 13, 2012 at 9:38 am
Ah, Bitch Pudding. Every time I get a taste you leave me wanting more.
June 13, 2012 at 9:14 am
I see what they did there, now I want to buy it just to use it to slap wallpaper paste around and send them a photo, in fact, I think I will buy it and sell it as a ‘prop’ for an adult movie and send them a copy.
Hey pretty lady, I’m the decorator…
June 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Tiny yellow pencils are the new barnwood?
Someone posted before that “cuttlefish is the new barnwood” and I’m still really hoping that catches on.
June 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Personally I was rooting for blackboard as the new barnwood. But cuttlefish makes so much more sense.
June 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm
No! Barnwood must remain #1! After I joined regretsy I reshot all my bags against Barnwood. And I shit you not sales jumped. Bags that had sat in my shop for over a year were out the door by the end of the week. Thank you, regretsy you really and truly made my shop more profitable.
June 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm
I could totally use a good case of Athletes foot.
June 13, 2012 at 4:36 am
I’ve got two cases on clearance, left & right. If you need more I have a full gross on the way!
June 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Why would I buy used grody looking Chucks when I can buy them brand new for the same price?
June 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm
So you can not shave your legs, put them on, and sell pictures to pervy old guys on eBay?
June 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Chucks fetish?
June 13, 2012 at 9:51 am
New ones aren’t ironic.
June 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm
I sure hope the pencils are included with the Kenny and Dolly Cassette Tapes. That way when the tapes unravel, you can use the pencils to wind the tape back in!
June 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm
You know what else dries panty hose and bathing suits in a hurry? A DRYER.
June 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm
I always thought that’s what the husband did on laundry day, resulting in hose and bathing suits for the little one’s doll and/or a divorce.
June 13, 2012 at 12:33 am
Yeah, but can you make peanut butter with a dryer?
June 13, 2012 at 3:40 am
You CAN make butter in a tumble dryer.
June 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Wow those Chuck’s actually sold. Gross.
June 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm
But where would teens who take pictures of their friends’ feet pointed together for facebook be without Etsy and used shoes?
June 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Aww, damn. My great-uncle was a hoarder of epic proportions, and when we moved him out to the nursing home we discovered he had tons of crappy, broken-down 1970s-era cookware, enough infomercial items to choke Marie Osmond, and a rather hair-raising amount of Tiajuana Bibles and 1950s porn. We just threw 90% of it out because it was all covered in mouse piss and bat droppings, but we were sitting on an Etsy goldmine and didn’t even know it. Rodent urine just gives patina and character, right?
June 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm
But the 10% you kept included the 1950s porn, right?
June 12, 2012 at 10:59 pm
Yeah…most of it’s still in a storage trailer out at my house. The old Playboys and Penthouses were actually pretty interesting. Some of the old “erotic men’s novels” however, were downright frightening. Also, it was terribly mentally scarring to find the porn stash of the man who gave you china dolls for Christmas when you were a little kid. If I ever end up getting a porn stash, I’m burning it before I die so my descendants will never learn things about me they most assuredly didn’t want to know.
June 13, 2012 at 4:39 am
Porn disposal, a top reason to get married, and stay married.
June 13, 2012 at 10:00 am
Marriage – a top reason to lose a porn ‘stache, and build a porn stash.
June 13, 2012 at 10:09 am
Burning a porn stash? Why destroy perfectly good hardware? Just reformat the hard drive and you’re good to go.
June 13, 2012 at 11:02 pm
Thank God we have the internet now.
June 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm
When my step-grandfather died in 2000, his old house was a veritable TROVE of vintage shit from the 60s. Fortunately, he didn’t have pets nor any rodent problems; just some intensive dust removal in most cases. UNfortunately, I have a hard time parting with almost anything that’s older than I am, if it still performs its intended functions. A lot of the stuff went to charity shops, but we got to call some pretty damn good dibs beforehand.
If Etsy and its “vintage” fascination had been around, I might’ve cleaned up even more than we did on eBay. But on the other hand, maybe it’s the illusion of vintage that Etsy loves and anything I might’ve listed would still be lingering, unsold for not being ironic enough.
June 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm
One has to be so careful how to enunciate and pronounce “Dolly Parton’s Greatest Hits”….
June 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Make that T nice and clear.
June 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Those are not shoe lasts! Shoe lasts are shaped like a whole foot, because that’s what shoemakers form shoes on. Of course, maybe there’s a market for shoes for people without heels that I am not aware of.
June 12, 2012 at 6:10 pm
They are shoe stretchers. They make leather shoes wider. (13 years as a wardrobe mistress and you will think tose things are the greatest).
June 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm
It’s true. I am a hoarder of beading supplies.
And packing materials. Bring on the bubble wrap!
June 12, 2012 at 5:45 pm
Hey, call me if you need an intervention. I’d be happy to take some of that away for you. You know, if it’d help at all.
June 13, 2012 at 8:05 am
Don’t knock bubble wrap. It helped me quite smoking (kept my hands busy).
June 13, 2012 at 8:06 am
Of course I meant to write “quit”. Derp.
June 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm
That’s it. I’m burning down Etsy.
June 12, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Seeing people selling broken worn out crap that should be thrown in the garbage pisses me off. It’s bad enough that a tonne of people use it as their own personal garage sale, but selling garbage makes it 10 times worse.
June 12, 2012 at 6:11 pm
If chucks in that condition are worth $30 then I have been walking around all day in a three year old pair worth at least $50
June 13, 2012 at 6:03 am
I sold a pair of the double high tops in flannel that we’re vintage 80s from high school, I hardly wore them because I spent so much of my allowance to get them…on ebay
June 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Cassette seller took so much time arranging the tapes and pencils, when it came time to dust them, well… fuck that noise.
June 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm
It’s not dust, silly. It’s hipster velvet.
June 13, 2012 at 10:01 am
My vote for comment of the day. And I want it on a sampler. I just can’t figure out the graphic I’d add to submit it in yesterday’s contest.
June 13, 2012 at 6:13 pm
I broke my FJL commenting cherry yesterday, so I’m happy to see this reply. It’s all downhill from here until I write my memoirs and make a comeback.
June 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm
How can anyone buy used sneakers after the Keds post the other day?
June 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Don’t you mean how can the seller charge so little for used sneakers after the Keds post the other day?
June 12, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Used: it does always mean what you think it means.
June 12, 2012 at 9:27 pm
I does NOT always mean what you think it means. DAMMIT, joke ruined by fat fingers.
June 13, 2012 at 5:47 am
Actually, I think the original joke was pretty funny. “Used: It DOES always mean what you think it means.” It doesn’t mean vintage, it doesn’t mean upcycled, it means USED. In fact, I was gonna ask for a sampler.
See? Fat fingers make jokes better. That’s why everyone here is so damn funny. Fat Joke Laughter: Putting the in FJL in FJL.
I does not always mean what I thinks it do, though. That’s definitely true.
June 13, 2012 at 5:31 pm
“Used” always means someone’s used it to jerk off with?
June 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Call the Antiques Roadshow: I think that might just be a genuine Paul Revere Spork!
June 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm
I can see it with older people who survived the depression. My mom was a hoarder (though never to the extent it endangered her or anyone else’s life. She honestly just never got over the fear that some day, the bottom was going to drop out of everything again.
So I grew up in a house where nothing got thrown away unless it was obviously so badly broken it couldn’t be fixed.
After she died, my sisters and I went through her stuff and found close to $1,000 in $10s and $20s hidden in purses. We also threw out the old silverware she had, which bore a very close resemblance to the spoon posted above.
So I can kind of understand hoarding in older people who had hard lives, but I can’t for the life of me understand why young people do it. Because frankly, that spoon’s a health hazard.
June 13, 2012 at 10:46 am
I can, to a degree. When I was growing up, we moved often, and I never got to keep stuff for very long. Toys, pets, houseplants, furniture – you name it. I think as a kid, you could fit everything I owned in a standard-sized cardboard box.
This didn’t stabilize until I was in high school, when we only moved 3 times, but I got to attend the same school the whole time.
I hate moving, and I hate getting rid of anything, to this day. Which makes living in a small studio a little uncomfortable.
Most people live in a space, and their things are around them. My things occupy a space, and I live around them.
June 13, 2012 at 12:28 pm
Also, if you’re a person who swings between about fifteen different hobbies (*cough*) then the equipment and supplies for them can pile up, not to mention the unfinished and finished projects. My stuff’s all useful… when I can get to it.
June 14, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Maybe the grandprents’ beliefs stayed with them? I know that I have kept some of the mentality of the grandmother who pretty much raised me through toddlerhood. She was forced to move out west when her family lost their farm in the depression, and she pinched every penny she brought with her. Don’t get me wrong, she never hoarded, but she was of the ‘save your money/stuff for a rainy day’ mentality.
June 12, 2012 at 6:22 pm
It’s the little things that always amuse me. Seller of the rustic kitchen fork can not identify it correctly as a Spork, yet is forward thinking enough to mention it’s 9 inches long.
June 12, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Also, That’s what she said
June 13, 2012 at 6:04 am
It’s not a spork. It’s a fish spoon.
June 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Daily, I wake up and think
“Today I shall mount my useless crap upon the old dusty, yet charmingly weathered, bones of barns and/or cuttlefish.
I will take photos! Andwith my trusty “eBay for Dummies (1st signed edition)” by my side I will SELL IT ALL ON THE ETSY!
Subsequently I’ll retire to a small shack on the northern coast of Nunuvut. For there it has been foretold that my followers and I (Of course I have followers. What do you mean I don’t have followers? Shut up. You’re just jealous) will breed loyal mosquitoes the size of horses!
Fear me you unbelievers. My army of buzzing bloodthirsty minions will help me conquer the world. And thanks to global warming, I’ll even have easy access to shipping routes and-”
Then the medication kicks in.
June 12, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Let it be known that I slaughtered one of your minions with my bare hand this evening and henceforth demand to be known as “Minionslayer”
June 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Chuck Taylors become practically worthless about 2 months into their lifespan. Can you even imagine how crappy a pair of used ones must be?
June 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Not to mention the size of the smell.
June 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm
You can change that, you know.
June 13, 2012 at 10:07 am
The classics NEVER get old on this site!!!
June 12, 2012 at 6:44 pm
You just KNOW the VHS guy was just biding his time until it was 2012 so he could call it “vintage” and list it on Etsy. He had to wait that long, because anywhere else it would be categorized under “CRAP”.
June 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm
“It’s still factory sealed because even I couldn’t bring myself to want to watch this piece of garbage.”
June 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm
The only possible market for that tape is “Toronto Blue Jays fans”, which seems somehwat limited to me, even for the internet. You’d have better luck listing it on Toronto’s Craigslist for the cost of postage.
Wait, there’s another market: “anyone who hates the Braves”. Perhaps they thought that would have a wider appeal.
June 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Did anyone else happen to accidentally click on the chuck picture, like me, and notice that those fuckers had SOLD!!!??? What the flying fuck, i hope it wasn’t a CF4Ler, or I will be really disappointed in us.
June 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Etsy needs to add two more options to the list of what you do in your shop for its new About page:
Owner, Designer, Maker, Curator, Reseller, Hoarder
June 12, 2012 at 8:44 pm
and a search category called junk.
June 12, 2012 at 7:52 pm
The two that are antiques are not overpriced. The rest of the Vintage – wait! … those are ( eBay: ‘well-loved’, ‘trashed’, ‘pre-owned’, ‘well worn’) sneakers with MINOR TEARS BELOW THE TONGUE!!! Image spillover from Keds are for Cocks …ewwww.
June 12, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Oh look, my local Freecycle now has pictures. Wait, this shit is not for free, they actually want money for this? This is not Freecycle, but this is the same shit available for free on my local Freecycle.
June 12, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Darn, the “worn to perfection” sneakers are sold. WTF
June 12, 2012 at 8:36 pm
Okay, which one of you bought them. I’ve got a vintage netipot I’ll let you have for only $23.95.
Perfect for your loved ones with nasal fetishes.
June 12, 2012 at 9:09 pm
Fucking fuck! I can’t even remember how to spell wimsicle, no! whimsickle, no! whimsical, NO! that can’t be it.
Maybe when paper dictionaries become vintage, I can buy one on Etsy and look it up.
Though, thesauruses (thesauri?) must be vintage by now. Maybe I can get one of those.
June 13, 2012 at 4:43 am
I’ll help.
June 13, 2012 at 9:10 am
The next time the ice cream truck stops on my corner playing turkey-in-the-straw I will go to the window and ask for a Whimsicle. I’m fairly certain that consuming it will not only make me feel like I’m 8 years old again, but will also give me the crafting skills of an 8 year old with a glue gun. I will sell the resulting crap on etsy and call it steampunk. I will blame the Whimsicle.
June 13, 2012 at 10:06 am
Apropos of nothing, reminds me of a comic strip that showed a teenage dinosaur. “Ralph studies hard, hoping to grow up and be a thesaurus.”
June 12, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Aww man! As soon as I clean out my garage (just bought a house from a old couple – the man was a hoarder), I’ll have tonnes of shit to sell on Etsy! I’ve got jars upon jars of rusty nails, screws, door knobs etc then there’s old drawers with no cabinets, a fully stocked medicine cabinet from the 60s (I don’t think they used or threw out anything) I’M GONNA BE RICH!
June 13, 2012 at 5:06 am
Seeing a 1992 VHS as vintage is sad. I was born in 1992. That makes me now officially vintage. I resent that.
June 13, 2012 at 5:10 am
20 years old is “classic”
June 13, 2012 at 5:51 am
Aw, don’t feel bad, yecats. I’m practically antique.
June 13, 2012 at 9:18 am
I was born in 1986, how do you think I feel when you call yourself vintage?
June 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Gad. I could have birthed you out as a teen mother in 1986.
June 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm
And in 1986, *I* could have birthed YOU out as a much-older-than-a-teen-mother, which makes Cygnet young enough to be my granddau—
I need a drink.
June 13, 2012 at 5:10 am
I want to know how many of those things were on the front page.
June 13, 2012 at 5:16 am
Are those screenshots from a real show or are they just a joke? Sorry if it seems obvious but I don’t live in America and if it is a real show I’d love to see that episode hehe
June 13, 2012 at 8:53 am
There is a real show called Hoarders, which I believe those are modeled from.
June 13, 2012 at 9:42 am
Yes, a real show (you can probably see episodes online; it’s very disturbing…but the upside is that after watching, you’ll look around your house and think, “You know, maybe it’s not that cluttered after all!” or you’ll go on a cleaning frenzy–either one).
These items that April posted are all from Etsy, however.
June 13, 2012 at 10:02 am
Hoarders is the best thing ever for me when I’m putting off spring cleaning and need to get started. One episode is all it takes.
June 13, 2012 at 5:54 am
“Chippy” is the new black and I’ll put a little “wiggle” to you, bitch.
June 13, 2012 at 7:31 am
I think I saw most of that stuff at a yard sale in Scrotum, Alabama. I drove my car straight through that yard sale…I thought I destroyed most of that crap, but I guess I missed the Ye Olde Chuck Taylors and food-encrusted fork.
June 13, 2012 at 8:38 am
Vintage Black Metal Dust Pan and Hand Broom
170 admirers
June 13, 2012 at 9:02 am
The salad spinner, and the cassette tapes, what the fuck?? Is etsy now a code word for “garage sale”?
June 13, 2012 at 9:06 am
I’m afraid to ask how in to fuck one makes peanut butter in a salad spinner. >_O
June 13, 2012 at 9:06 am
People are insane? Etsy sellers? The ones who aren’t hoarders, aren’t Chinese resellers and use pine cones for toilet paper? Them? What a surprise.
June 13, 2012 at 9:06 am
I <3 to hear jagoff cuppled with adjectives.
June 13, 2012 at 9:12 am
Regretsy: fun till it turns on me (or makes fun of the very big chip on my shoulder).
Sounds like someone’s got a bad case of criabeetus.
June 13, 2012 at 9:14 am
True, when I think of Kenny Rogers I think of pencil stubs.
But where are the hot air balloon-shaped erasers for Dolly?
June 13, 2012 at 9:15 am
There’s a market for everything out there…Sometimes that is a truly terrifying thought.
June 13, 2012 at 9:19 am
FINALLY, I belong to the 1%! Oh, wait I have a sense of humor.
June 13, 2012 at 9:43 am
I am an Etsy seller, and not a reseller or a hoarder…oh wait…just checked my craft crap…I am not a reseller. That much I can be sure of. My sanity was never an issue. If it existed.
June 13, 2012 at 6:00 pm
A&E’s cameras are NOT allowed inside my workspace. That is all I’m gonna say about that.
June 13, 2012 at 9:49 am
Fucky fuck fuck! You FJL’s talk to much! I was looking for all the flouncing gooness and gave up about 1/4 of the way through the comments.
June 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm
somebody clue me in, I’ve had too much to drink. Can someone show me the flounce? please? I can’t find it in the Facebook comments.
June 13, 2012 at 9:54 am
You must have posted one of her items for her to get so offended. No one wants your rusty fork, bitch. But you should really buy yourself a sense of humor.
June 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm
I love Regretsy, but I hate all the hilarious writing and jokes about resellers and bad crafts.
Otherwise, I love Regretsy.
June 13, 2012 at 5:53 pm
She might not be able to afford a sense of humor if she’s dumpster diving to sell on Etsy. Bless her heart.
June 13, 2012 at 10:05 am
a flamingo flounce! great way to start my Wednesday afternoon.
June 13, 2012 at 10:30 am
spiteful witch? Oh, yawn yawn yawn…can’t even make a mini sampler out of that. Geez, .if you are going to flounce, do it with some bounce. Super sensitive butt or what?
June 13, 2012 at 10:38 am
Although the facebook Regretsy twist of “Spriteful Witch” as a cocktail does make that more palatable …I’d have posted that there but got banned from there for saying “yawn” there once. Once.. And I said it thrice here, so that shows how boring I find this flounce.
June 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm
I would totally make that my signature cocktail.
June 13, 2012 at 12:06 pm
June 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm
So much barn wood, I think I just came. No lie.
June 13, 2012 at 12:45 pm
haha I missed the best “selling point” of the Salad Spinner: “Do kids art”.
Man, I can only imagine the types of Ye Olde art the kids made WAY back when they made that salad spinner…2002 was a turbulent time for the nation- I remember in 1998 when I used to have to spin my salad in my sock, for up to 4 minutes…5 for arugula.
June 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v315/EruannaTelperion/flouncecat.png[/img]
June 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm
June 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Does that butthurt etsy seller remind anyone else of Sean Penn ans SNL mocking him endlessly for not getting the joke?
June 13, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Wow. Humorless Flouncetwat needs to have a good cry, then sell her gently used tissues in her hoarder shop. Or offer to trade for butthurt ointment.
June 13, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Her Etsy profile says “From there it was just a short jump to selling my creations – a short jump made necessary by a lack of storage space!”
Must have hit a nerve.
June 13, 2012 at 9:07 pm
There are quite a number of people that only imagine they sell things on Etsy, since they haven’t actually sold anything on Etsy. But if any of these things sell on Etsy, then I really should put my Hoard up on it.
June 14, 2012 at 12:11 am
“Tenditors eureka” means, “I find it will stretch,” in Attic Greek.
I knew that course in college would be helpful someday.
June 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Classical Goatse reference?
June 14, 2012 at 5:35 am
I have a pair of Converse just like that! I’ve had them since sophomore year of college. They’re covered in bloodstains, and they smell like cat piss. I wonder how much I could get for them on Etsy?
June 14, 2012 at 11:16 am
I’m not a horder nor a chinese reseller and I DON’T sell on Etsy. That’s proof that Regretsy got it right once again.
June 14, 2012 at 10:10 pm
I really want someone, more talented than I, to record “fffflounce!” in a very Mortal Kombat-esc voice.