Keds are for Tricks (NSFW)
As you know, I filled in for Bronc over at Winning at Everything last week while he was doing the AIDS ride. In my efforts to make the site as offensive as possible in his absence, I dug up far more internet flotsam that I could possibly use in a week.
I didn’t get around to using this particular find, which I stumbled on a few years ago. It remains one of the stranger fetishes I’ve come across in my 150 years on the internet, and I find that strangely comforting. In this high tech world of special effects and big budgets, it’s nice to know that there is still a site out there that teaches people how to jack off with their sneakers.
- Click here for the whole syllabus
June 11, 2012 at 9:33 am
How did “These boots are made for walking” devolve into “These kicks are made for wanking.”?
June 11, 2012 at 9:53 am
So that is what the all the other kids with the pumped up kicks better run from, gun=old pervy guy’s cock. See that song isn’t inappropriate after all.
No wait. . .
June 11, 2012 at 9:33 am
…Safety first!
June 11, 2012 at 10:59 am
Downside: Athlete’s penis
June 11, 2012 at 12:59 pm
That’s only a small problem.
June 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I see what you did there :-p
June 11, 2012 at 9:34 am
Thank you. Now I have something else to be afraid of.
June 11, 2012 at 9:54 am
^^^This! Next time I see keds, I’m going to have to look away.
June 11, 2012 at 10:36 am
The next time that I see someone wearing Keds I’m going to burst into giggles, especially if it’s a guy. Or a girl with a guy. Or in the window of a shoe store. Or in a shoe store. Hell, I’m giggling just thinking about Keds.
June 11, 2012 at 9:55 am
I hate getting my cock punched, so right back at ya!
June 12, 2012 at 5:43 am
I actually couldn’t wear my keds yesterday because of this post — so thanks regretsy for ruining a fairly new pair of shoes.
June 11, 2012 at 9:35 am
I can’t imagine being so jazzed by your method of self-gratification that you feel you need to write an internet guide, complete with pictures of your junk. Also, I find it hard to believe that enough people have this fetish to make it worth the time.
June 11, 2012 at 9:38 am
Is this your first day on the internet? I’ve seen (ads) for porns where girls fuck bicycles. Fucking yourself with a shoe is probably fairly common on this wonderful worldwide cesspool.
From the ad, it looked the like the bike was a good lover, if anyone was wondering.
June 11, 2012 at 10:11 am
Went to this year’s Hump festival. There was an awesome Bike porn entry. It was one of my favorites and I am not in the least bit into it as a fetish.
June 11, 2012 at 10:39 am
Were unicycles part of the Hump Festival? How about three-wheelers for orgies?
June 11, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Bicycle sex is disgusting and unnatural.
There should only be heterocycle sex, the way god intended.
June 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Oh man, if ONLY I had more than one thumb’s up to give! Well done sir!
June 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm
That was absolutely pun-derful!
June 23, 2012 at 12:01 am
Oh bravo sir, well done.
June 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm
would love to thumb that up, but you have 69…
June 11, 2012 at 9:38 am
“The following methods are a result of nearly 50 years of field testing”!!!
June 11, 2012 at 9:49 am
I work for a fetish website for a living.
I can’t even tell you how many pictures of jizz covered shoes I’ve had to look at. I’m sure it’s in the thousands by now!
June 11, 2012 at 10:39 am
LOVE your screen name!! (Trying not to think of it literally, but do appreciate the wit!)
June 11, 2012 at 11:35 am
Syphillicious: why does this business not come up as an opening on Monster.com? Seems appropriate.
June 11, 2012 at 10:03 am
Okay, so, my ex-husband had a foot fetish that he mostly kept hidden. When it really came to light is when I discovered a pair of my old Keds under the bed. He’d fished out of the trash (it was before upcycling and didn’t know I could make money by nailing them to a fence and calling it a flower pot) and had cut the tops of of them, leaving only the soles and my well-worn foot imprint on them. He enjoyed sniffing them.
June 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Honey, we agreed to keep this mum…
June 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Sorry, Dear. I don’t remember signing any NDAs regarding this.
June 11, 2012 at 10:26 am
… There is porn of women fucking giant street cones in public. Sneaker fetish seems very mild to me.
June 11, 2012 at 11:26 am
PICS OR GTFO
June 11, 2012 at 11:57 am
Here’s a gang bang:
June 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Well, that’s not what I was expecting.
June 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm
VERY VERY NSFW! You asked for it!!
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpfgg4RGYf1r13ehoo1_1280.jpg
June 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm
For the Cal-Trans gendered
June 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Jesus.
June 11, 2012 at 2:32 pm
I’ve lived a sheltered life.
June 11, 2012 at 7:19 pm
After seeing posts like this, you long for that sheltered life, don’t you?
June 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Oh my. Well… uh… (blushes)
June 11, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Again, I’m so desensitized by what we see around here…I’m most perturbed by the fact she has on a helmet.
June 11, 2012 at 9:59 pm
I believe that it’s a man….
June 11, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Here you go!
I also dug up a video.
http://www.xvideos.com/video1254189/fucking_a_giant_road_cone_in_a_street
June 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Well Helen, you asked for it.
June 11, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Dear lord, what if her feet slip?? She should be wearing Keds.
June 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm
For safety of course
June 11, 2012 at 8:05 pm
There is no way that gets inside.
June 11, 2012 at 11:20 pm
That’s the most hardcore DEVO groupie I’ve ever seen.
June 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Oh great, and I drive slowly through a construction zone twice a day. This is going to set me off into a fit of giggles.
June 11, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Many years ago, I found “The Woman’s Guide to Canine – Human Sex” on the good ol’ internet. It even included a penis size chart sorted by breed.
June 11, 2012 at 4:16 pm
PICS OR GTFO.
…. My curiosity is going to be the death of me.
June 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Spoiler: Chihuahua earns the “A for Effort” badge
June 11, 2012 at 10:47 pm
Keds man should get the ‘A for Effort’ badge too
June 11, 2012 at 6:54 pm
[GT's the FO, since he will have nightmares if he sees this stuff.]
June 11, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Ha ha.
See, this is how long I’ve been on the internet. I was like, “thank God it’s just a clean rubber sneaker fetish.”
No shit, I’d take a guy who was into this over a guy who banged plush My Little Ponies. When I think about the fact that scat fetishes exist, I think I’d hold the shoes for him. I’d buy him a different colored pair every birthday. I’d send him naughty phone pictures of me with a shoe in each hand.
Every day when I think about someday being married, I pray that the guy I end up will have this kind of fetish, or balloons, or pedal pumping, and not anything with “copro” or “emeto” in the name.
June 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm
With. End up WITH.
June 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Either way really, sounds as if you are prepared to “end him up” if that is required. Kudos to you!
June 12, 2012 at 2:24 pm
I stayed in a hotel with a couple who were into balloons (not sure how that worked, but w/e.) They brought all these huge balloons and inflated them to decorate the room. It was really neat, but I couldn’t shake the feeling they were perving on us every time me and my friends would play with them, lol.
June 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm
As a professor of mine once said, “If it exists, there is someone out there who will at least attempt to have sex with it.
June 11, 2012 at 9:35 am
From the site: The most important part of the sole is the part of the sole that corresponds to the balls of the woman’s feet as she wears her sneakers. This part is known as “the working rubber” and it is where most of the masturbational methods occur. This is the part of the sneaker that is rubbed against the penis (or vice versa).”
I may never be able to wear sneakers again after reading that. The working rubber. Shudder.
June 11, 2012 at 9:42 am
Personally, my favorite quote was, “The nice thing about this method is that the man has both hands free to be able to read a book.”
Nothing like sitting down with a nice copy of Going Rogue while you hump a shoe, in my humble opinion.
June 11, 2012 at 11:11 am
Going rouge while Going Rogue, as it were. I don’t know explicity how it were, since access is denied at work.
June 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm
I love “The Lazy Woman Method is the least interactive of the sneakering methods.”
Haha, sneakering.
June 11, 2012 at 9:36 am
And my friends think I take my love for shoes to extremes. I love my shoes, but I don’t love my shoes.
June 11, 2012 at 10:25 am
Silly pervert! Dicks are for Keds!
June 11, 2012 at 9:36 am
Wow.
“Run Faster, Jump Higher, Jerk off like a champ.”
You’re welcome Madison Avenue.
June 11, 2012 at 10:41 am
Just. Do. It.
June 11, 2012 at 9:36 am
It gives a whole new meaning to “the working rubber”.
June 11, 2012 at 10:49 am
I didn’t know there was an old meaning. :\
June 11, 2012 at 9:37 am
Just Do It!
Oh, wait, wrong brand… I bet there’s a Nike fetish too, but I fear searching for it would destroy what tiny portion of my soul remains.
June 11, 2012 at 10:23 am
Do Nikes make you come faster?
June 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm
I prefer to hump golf shoes. But I’m hard core.
June 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Soccer cleats…!
June 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm
*sole
June 11, 2012 at 9:37 am
You know, I looked at this and all I could really think was”But that looks so uncomfortable!” I think I have reached some kind of whatever the regretsy equivalent of compassion fatigue is…
June 11, 2012 at 9:49 am
You, “ran out of fucks to give” is the most common term.
June 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Apparently the author still has plenty left to give to those Keds.
June 11, 2012 at 9:38 am
where is the tutorial for masturbating with reebok’s zig zag shoes? you know, so jocks can enjoy fetish too.
June 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm
How about Skele-Toes, for that extra digital manipulation?
June 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Some photographs I took of my new Fivefingers toe shoes (yeah, the name, I know, I know) did end up in someone’s fetish collection on flickr. No lie.
June 11, 2012 at 9:39 am
Entertaining AND informative.
June 11, 2012 at 9:39 am
I *was* planning on going shopping for new shoes today.. but no.
June 11, 2012 at 9:57 am
I need to go get tap shoes for a class tomorrow. Now I’ll have to get new ones. Preferably shrink wrapped.
June 11, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Tap shoes? I misread that as Fap shoes.
June 11, 2012 at 9:40 am
Lame. Escalator grinding is where its at nowadays. Ride that pony.
June 11, 2012 at 9:42 am
Blue Ball Jets
June 11, 2012 at 9:42 am
Very happy that the internet wasn’t around in 1987, the height of Keds’ popularity for the fashion-forward eighth-grader. I’d hate to think of all that rubber working in the boys’ bathroom.
Whatever happened to porking a steak that you stuffed into a milk carton??
June 11, 2012 at 9:53 am
Or a pint glass full of ground beef and gently warmed in the microwave. Literally for only a few seconds though; and poke your finger in first to check the temperature. Trust me.
June 11, 2012 at 6:58 pm
“Where’s the beef?”
“Uhh… I can see where it was. And, NO, I don’t want a hamburger.”
June 11, 2012 at 9:44 am
“Shoe manufacturers do not make sneakers with masturbation in mind.”
There’s a niche out there for someone!
June 11, 2012 at 10:16 am
I found that one interesting in light of one of his earlier comments:
“On the other hand there are new sole types that seem to have been invented with masturbation in mind.”
SO, WHICH IS IT?
June 11, 2012 at 11:17 am
such as fur-soled sneakers…
June 11, 2012 at 9:47 am
Gawd bless insane fetishes. They brighten my day
June 11, 2012 at 9:47 am
Really? Someone needed instructions? I thought half the fun of fetishes was figuring it out yourself. Maybe I’m just too hands-on for this?
I suspect the real fetish here, is technical writing. He really gets off on slipping his cock into technical writing.
June 11, 2012 at 11:19 am
THANK YOU SO MUCH /*extreme sarcasm*
I have to perform technical writing every day for my day job, I really didn’t need anyone fetishising THAT for me.
(honestly, I had no problem with the whole shoe thing… some people…)
June 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I notice you don’t argue the point.
June 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Yeah, right? *elbows Whimsiclefucker and gestures toward PBCGE, then snickers*
June 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Seriously, I had 2/3s of this imagined in the half a second after I read the post.
June 11, 2012 at 9:48 am
True story: I worked at a PBS station, and one day Mr. Rogers came to our station for a fund raising event. He had a meeting with the station president, and he asked me if I could hold onto his “costume” until it was over. He handed me his cardigan and his Keds. I will never remember that day in the same way now.
June 11, 2012 at 10:44 am
Can you say “Ewwwww!”?
October 23, 2012 at 10:24 pm
Aww, that’s still an awesome story though!
June 11, 2012 at 9:50 am
Someone should tell this little feller that trimming the brush makes the tree look bigger . . .
June 11, 2012 at 9:52 am
Can’t wait until the sequel, Fornicating With Flipflops. Preferably with a video.
June 11, 2012 at 10:21 am
How about Copulating with Crocs? They are eminently washable.
June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am
Well that certainly explains my cat’s behavior:
June 11, 2012 at 9:52 am
I feel the urge to go clear my search history now. Unclean! Unclean!
June 11, 2012 at 9:53 am
have you ever seen Keds fetish videos? Strange does not begin to cover it.
June 11, 2012 at 9:55 am
http://www.squidoo.com/keds#module30609422
June 11, 2012 at 9:56 am
I don’t know that the phrases “You now have a penis sandwich” and “Saw the sneakers back and forth” should occur consecutively like that…
June 11, 2012 at 11:57 am
Hmm, what an interesting lunch meat.
June 11, 2012 at 9:56 am
Before there was Facebook. There was Sneakerbook……Thank you Mark Zuckerberg.
I clicked the link….Im sure KEDS is happy for the sales.
June 11, 2012 at 10:00 am
What surprised me was that most of the instructions involved a “two-person method,” i.e. he’s got a woman helping him out with this.
June 11, 2012 at 10:40 am
I feel like that says more about her, than him.
June 11, 2012 at 10:02 am
You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes.
June 11, 2012 at 10:02 am
If you feel strong enough (and you must feel strong enough) do a search on eBay for “well-worn shoes” or “well-worn socks.” Before the collapse of the economy, wankers were paying hundreds of dollars for stinky shoes and socks. The sellers clearly understand the market to which they sell.
June 11, 2012 at 10:05 am
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Trashed-wet-well-worn-used-absorbant-ultra-sheer-nude-college-socks-/330746603582?pt=US_Men_s_Socks&hash=item4d0208a83e#ht_2935wt_1167
June 11, 2012 at 11:06 am
Cracks me up that when you click the “Bid History” it says “Private listing, Bidders identities are protected”, so obviously they don’t want people to know of their fetish purchases. ROFL
June 11, 2012 at 12:48 pm
Now I know how to make some quick cash.
June 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm
I’m sorry, what? http://www.ebay.com/itm/WORN-WELL-WORN-USED-SOCKS-/160820128275?pt=US_Womens_Socks&hash=item2571a06a13
June 11, 2012 at 2:02 pm
I’m in the wrong fucking business.
June 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Economic collapse or not, sox are still there in the $100 range. For people with complicated fetishes – spending huge wads of money / sox.
June 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm
It’s amazing that they’ll spend that kind of money when they can easily raid the local clothing drop dumpsters.
June 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm
wads…
June 11, 2012 at 10:12 am
no joke, I had a bf that asked to keep my worn-out tennis shoes when we stopped dating. He got his shoes at goodwill. His preferred method was to put a sandwich bag inside of a shoe and lace up… yeah… not with him anymore..
June 11, 2012 at 10:47 am
I can understand why he’d want YOUR old shoes, but buying his shoes at Goodwill…he got off on the smell of other people’s feet?
*Smacks head8
Sorry. Forgot where I was for a moment. Been spending too much time in the land of the logical.
June 11, 2012 at 6:41 pm
You’ve been stepping out on us, Mugsy?
June 11, 2012 at 7:15 pm
I got so defensive…ok, GUILTY…then I saw what you did there, you lovable scamp!
June 11, 2012 at 10:14 am
that guide….. wow…. it actually contained a line about one method being so easy – even a woman can learn how to do this in minutes…
June 11, 2012 at 10:14 am
I am so, so thankful that this gentleman chose not to show his face, lest it start popping up to ruin my Michael Fassbender dreams.
June 11, 2012 at 10:30 am
That is NOT Michael Fassbender’s body. I think you’re safe.
June 11, 2012 at 10:35 am
I am never wearing Keds again. Never never.
June 11, 2012 at 10:38 am
Honestly, I had to sign up for a user account to be able to comment on this.
You blow my mind with the shit you find. I keep thinking I’ve found the very last stop on the internet highway and then you show me I’m wrong, pointing out a few more steps beyond the last weird shit.
June 11, 2012 at 11:26 am
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
June 11, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I’m sure there are plenty of nicer things said to you! Well, okay, maybe not TO you… At you? No, that’s not it. Near you! Yes, I’m sure people have said plenty of nice things near you.
June 12, 2012 at 6:03 am
I’ve seen your name painted on Keds, Ms. April.
Or did I just dream that…?
June 12, 2012 at 10:31 am
Someone really needs to put that image in the cross stitch post comments.
June 11, 2012 at 10:40 am
Do they make pointy toed ked or keds with heels for women?
June 11, 2012 at 12:07 pm
I knew a woman who had a pair of slingback open-toed Keds which were most terrifying refugee from a cobbler’s bench–UNTIL TODAY.
June 11, 2012 at 10:41 am
For some reason, I find this more disturbing than the Super Mario Brothers bonker. Not sure what that says about me.
June 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm
I find it much less, and ditto.
June 11, 2012 at 11:22 am
I didn’t click the link in the blog post (or any of the ones in the comments), because the teaser photo was enough for me and my imagination (plus that body looks awfully familiar and I Just Don’t Want To Know).
June 11, 2012 at 11:50 am
Hipsters use Converse.
June 11, 2012 at 11:57 am
Converse is hipster for Perverse?
June 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Man, I used to love looking at the shelf with my rainbow assortment of chucks. Now all I can think about is that Google Street photo of the lady with the collection of dildos on her windowsill.
June 11, 2012 at 7:33 pm
link, link, link!
June 11, 2012 at 11:53 am
I can see how high heels and patent leather can be sexy…but keds? really, keds?
June 11, 2012 at 11:54 am
Well, Keds used to be my favorite brand of sneakers… thanks Kreepy Keds Guy!
“Use genuine “girl sneakers” whenever possible. Larger sneakers that could be worn by men are too long and bend more under the pressure using some of the techniques.” Glad to have huge un-girly feet, for once!
June 11, 2012 at 11:56 am
Evangeline was baffled by Horatio’s ill-concealed unhappiness when she bought him new Wellies for his birthday, and threw away his old torn barn boots. He’d been real pleased with the Christmas sneakers … but thinking on it she realized he never wore them, just moved them around between the bathroom and the closet. If he didn’t like the fuzzy slippers she had waiting for their anniversary, she was going to give up and let him deal with his shoes all by himself.
June 11, 2012 at 11:57 am
*sigh*
Doesn’t anyone just want to fuck anymore?
June 11, 2012 at 11:58 am
Show of hands over there in the audience at Regretsy!
June 11, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I’m assuming those will mostly be left hands?
June 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm
I would thumb that comment up… but my hands are on… my sneakers.
June 11, 2012 at 11:59 am
Looked at the Sneaker Fetish site. Somehow the most WTF image was a fully (& I mean overly fully) dressed woman with socks & purple Keds on her feet & hands. I just don’t get this fetish.
June 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I’ll never look down at my sneakers in the same way again.
June 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Why is it that a Keds fetish freaks me out, while the idea of a guy wanking to a patent leather pump with a five inch heel seems basically normal? The internet has officially ruined my life!
June 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm
Is it because female comfort and male arousal are mutually exclusive, so comfy women’s shoes can’t be sexy?
June 11, 2012 at 12:11 pm
But Sperry Topsiders put the “Naughty” in Nautical.
June 11, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm
That’s like saying you’ll never use soap again because a tiny segment of the population has a fetish for soap. Seriously, someone somewhere fetishizes EVERYTHING. Better vow not to give your children stuffed animals, that’s a pretty common fetish!
June 11, 2012 at 2:06 pm
I guess they’ll never have a dog.
June 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Or sheep.
June 11, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Yes… Hailey should Google “Rule 34″.
And then never be the same, again. Cannot. Un-see.
June 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm
You’re not going to associate with anyone who might have a given fetish?
You may also want to eliminate the following items and/or people who own them from your lifestyle:
-All other types of shoes
-Cars
-Balloons
-Bicycle pumps
-Long hair
-Socks
-Women’s clothing
-Men’s clothing
-Furniture
-Plush toys
-Knit or woollen materials
Good luck!
June 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm
Wool fetish? Seriously?
Uhh… rug burn anyone?
June 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Yeah, but it’s the good kind of burn! Like spicy food!
Spicy food on your junk, that is.
June 11, 2012 at 12:14 pm
“I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no keds.”
June 11, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Would athletes foot on your dick be athletes dick? Dick foot? And what about if you stepped in gum earlier? Or walked the dog?
I know I’m focusing on all the wrong things, but from a hygienic standpoint I was horrified.
June 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm
That’s why you have to keep your fucking Keds separate from your walking Keds.
June 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm
what shoes do women get off with then? or is it just BUYING the Jimmy Choo’s that does it for us?
June 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm
June 11, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Wow, Rule 34 was right- someone really will creaqte porn for just about everything.
June 11, 2012 at 12:58 pm
The Keds are alright.
June 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm
If it exists, there’s a fetish for it.
June 11, 2012 at 1:09 pm
why did I click that link? Just why? Please, brain, tell me why you made me do that? You knew what was there, so why?
…and why did I then show my husband a full screen size picture of a man with his penis squished between two shoes? TELL ME!
June 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Just be sure to double-check your shoe collection tonight.
June 11, 2012 at 10:18 pm
Because some things are just to good not to be shared? Or possibly because it has been long time since you’ve seen him trip over his own feet trying to rapidly back away from the monitor?
June 11, 2012 at 1:18 pm
It’s my dick in a sock!
Dick in a sock baybay!
June 11, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I hope to God these women in pictures are being paid for this.
June 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm
IThe insanely curios side of me really wants to click the link but I fear someone may show up 5 minutes later to take my child away…..
June 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm
I clicked on that link and five minutes later my neighbor’s children got taken away, since I don’t have any. Great read!
June 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Cliff notes: rub dick on shoes
June 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm
I love my keds and enjoy sex, but this is even worse than leaving your socks on in bed. Still, it will take more than this to turn me off of my starch white, flat soled shoes.
June 12, 2012 at 1:31 am
What’s wrong with wearing socks in the bed?
June 12, 2012 at 2:33 pm
It’s just really goofy looking.
June 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm
to think that i found out about this wonderful resource that is regretsy by checking out a harmless book at the local library… and now i’m fully coursed in jerking with keds- and “not athletic shoes…Athletic shoes have their place in a woman’s wardrobe, but not in the bedroom.” obviously, duh. good work hk, good work. best part was my husbands face when he saw a hairy man crotch on the screen when he gets home from work
June 11, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Goddammit, Helen!!! You know I can’t not click the link!
June 11, 2012 at 8:22 pm
“I think that many couples will find this a safe alternative to conventional sex when conventional sex is not practical, or you are just not in the mood for it.”
…..and suddenly I retrospectively understand my divorce. If only I had cheerfully suggested, “Honey, I’m really tired, and I need to wake up early tomorrow. Why don’t you rub your genitals between two Keds soles instead?” Woe, WHY wasn’t this helpful manual posted earlier when it might have made a difference??
June 11, 2012 at 8:30 pm
The things I don’t need to know… nor want to.
June 11, 2012 at 8:59 pm
I never knew “use a rubber” had more than one meaning.
June 11, 2012 at 9:34 pm
That’s funny…everytime I come close to my husbands junk with my shoes he always jumps away and squeals like a little girl. I had no idea it was because the texture of my working rubber was all wrong! Plus does anyone else think this tutorial could totally be a hot lost chapter. From “50 Shades”? No…just me?
June 12, 2012 at 9:30 am
Cross trainers does not mean what you think it means.
June 12, 2012 at 12:20 pm
I LOVE the Judge Judy sampler. I have an aunt who is a middle-school counselor. I think she needs one of those up in her office.
June 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm
“Athletic shoes have their place in a woman’s wardrobe, but not in the bedroom.”
True story, y’all. Wisely discerning of him.
June 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm
I need eye bleach now.