Plumb Ugly
This post first appeared on Regretsy in February, 2010.
It doesn’t like soup. It’s not a person. It’s not even a bracelet. it’s a pipe clamp your husband had lying around, and you glued a bunch of shit on it.
Is this what you do while he’s out snaking drains? For God’s sake, get off of Etsy and make some dinner.
June 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm
So this is what the props designer from Spartacus does at the weekends?
June 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm
She just wanted to make one piece that wouldn’t be soaked in blood and man sweat. I think she’s getting there. But not quite yet.
June 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm
AW. Somebody needed a friend. So she made one. And then tried to sell it. Like you do with friends.
June 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm
I totally thought it was a llama.
June 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I cannot unsee a llama now.
June 9, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Maybe that’ll be the next big thing. Arm Llamas. Other camelids may also be available, if we’re unlucky.
June 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm
If you’re really unlucky it’ll be alpaca knackers.
June 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm
“Honey, have you seen my metal clamps anywhere? I’ve looked all over”
“No, sweetie, I haven’t. Maybe Mr Millie Minkie could help you find it?”
June 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Now be fair, HK. With that hideously deformed hand, this is probably all she can do. It isn’t creamy or lovely to make fun of the handicapped.
June 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm
That’s called a “fist”. Freckle Power!.(still no excuse for making a hose clamp into a ho’s clamp.)
June 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Many of those ‘freckles’ have surpassed freckle status and now qualify as liver spots. Oh the beauty of we freckled pasty white people as we age.
June 10, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Yes, I know it is a fist. The picture, however, is unfortunate in its composition.
June 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Why must Etsy encourage people to make up fanciful stories about crap? It’s like a Freudian nightmare up in that site. Sometimes a crappy bracelet with crap glued on it is just a crappy bracelet with crap glued on it.
June 9, 2012 at 4:16 pm
Yo dawg, I heard you like crap, so I glued some crap to your crap and wrote some crap about it.
June 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm
For a moment there I wondered why it wasn’t under the Dead Things category. I must be losing my eyesight. Or my mind.
June 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Now It is a finger of surprise in ass of flabbergasted…
June 9, 2012 at 2:01 pm
We call that “The Shocker”. You don’t have to be flabbergasted but it helps.
June 9, 2012 at 2:16 pm
You call this a shocking, because you have not seen my mother.
June 9, 2012 at 2:32 pm
OK, now I’m flabbergasted. No fingers, thanks.
June 9, 2012 at 2:44 pm
Besides individual thumbs-ups, I wish I could also give this entire exchange a thumbs up. You two should take this show on the road.
June 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm
I wanted to make a joke about Petja’s mother but he has knives and he knows how to use them. Also, that would be rude. Also, she probably has knives too.
June 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Well, who do you think Petja learned from?
June 10, 2012 at 4:16 pm
My grandmother taught how to use the knife. Often the knife is too small. The blade must be long enough, so the neighbor’s wall may be closed as long as the home searching for an ax. Will thus be taught the grandmother.
I also remember the conversation with his grandmother when I was a little boy – “Why is Grandpa running around bends?” – “Shut up, and give more ammunition!”
June 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm
This is now my facebook status.
June 9, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Oh God. I initially felt sorry for my plumber because A. I do sometimes flush paper toweling and B. he seems like such a jolly and cheerful lad even after having to shovel peoples’ shit every day.
And yet to know that at home his WIFE (common law, we can only hope) is selling WORSE shit to people than he has to deal with, AND probably making more money than him.
And ironically, HE is the one who has to lie back and close his eyes at night while this creative womyn goddess gets on top of him and threatening to crack the bedsprings says into his ear, “Oh, yes, Millie Minkie!”
June 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm
This is the best comment ever left on the internet. Ever.
June 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm
As a plumber’s wife I feel slightly offended.
On the other hand, I am kicking myself for not thinking of the money maker first. Lots of shiny pipe clamps laying around at my house.
June 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I didn’t mean any offense. I happen to like plumbers. Not only is my boyfriend a manual laborer himself, but my sister is a princess and she got saved from abduction/sex slavery by a plumber once.
June 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Only once?
June 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm
No, you must have read the enclosed instruction booklet… unfortunately a few times it turned out he was at the wrong castle.
June 9, 2012 at 7:25 pm
Your posts have had me so flustered (but not fingered) today. I’m mesmerized. Or something. More!
June 9, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Maybe one day you’ll get invited to a picnic. I bet I made lotsa spaghetti! Luigi, look!
June 10, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Big pipe clamp = choker?
June 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Regretsy math.
Sloth from the Goonies + Gizmo (or maybe an Ewok)
June 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I’m glad she used the “cool looking” pipe clamps. So many pipe clamps are just so fucking lame looking.
June 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm
God Damnit! I made the same dame thing only I dyed the fur purple….you know, for that added “flair”
June 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm
I don’t even think purple fur is going to get any dames to buy it.
June 9, 2012 at 1:49 pm
This is almost sad. She must be lonely.
Still, it is not sad enough to make me wanna pay $15 for this piece of shit! Get a cat, read a book, take a class! Something!
June 9, 2012 at 1:56 pm
It’s not priced at $395? The description alone is worth $200. So disappointed.
June 9, 2012 at 1:57 pm
the thumbnail of this pic on facebook looked like some kind of perversion of Admiral Akbar. Now I see it’s much, much worse.
June 10, 2012 at 8:08 am
It’s a CLAMP!
June 9, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Hey lady, loosen the screws on the pipe clamp choker you’re wearing before you do a face-plant into your Bedazzler kit.
June 9, 2012 at 2:03 pm
I’m disappointed that it’s not a restraint device.
Unless it can be used as a c0ckr!ng? Only if there’s a secure loop to attach a leash onto _ well, yah’ know:
Minkie wants to be takin out for walkies!!!
June 9, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Um… Cockring is not a swear here. HK gave them (or something similar) out at the NYC meet. ActuaLly, there are no swears here. I’m sure if you continue to censor yourself, someone will show you the door. Kthxbai.
June 10, 2012 at 8:11 am
Okay. Here’s the door: http://www.regretsy.com/2011/05/05/any-minute-now/
June 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Also, cock ring is two words.
June 9, 2012 at 11:20 pm
Touche!
June 11, 2012 at 3:31 am
I was looking for a good photo of a cock ring today, but had butt plugs on my mind and accidentally typed “cock plug.”
Did you know that’s a real thing?
June 9, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Oh hell, a New Thing: wrist muffs.
June 9, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Coming soon: Repurposed Vintage Distressed Spring Steel Toilet Snake Bustier “Coiled Clarabell Cleavagerator”
June 10, 2012 at 8:05 am
And we shall name it Billie Binkie, and appease its insatiable hunger for Minestrone!
June 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm
I’ll admit, at first look, I thought I was looking at a close up of a camel’s head, complete with bridle.
Yeah.
June 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm
You’re not alone. It took me a full 30 seconds to realize I wasn’t staring a beady-eyed bactrian in the face, but I’m still not sure what it is I’m looking at.
June 9, 2012 at 6:59 pm
You mean Millie Minkie wasn’t obvious to you?…Yeah, me neither.
June 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm
The sad thing is, if it was meant to be a camel it would have been sort of cute (and equally depressing). But that description pushes it into the realm of pure hilarity. Why must people anthropomorphize random things? The only inanimate object I shout at is my computer, which deserves it because it’s a giant milky douchewaffle.
June 9, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Looks like someone skinned an Ewok’s face and made it into jewelry. And added a nose ring to the Ewok..
June 9, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I’d pay $15 per Ewok to have that happen.
June 9, 2012 at 2:38 pm
What the fuck is roll chase?
June 10, 2012 at 5:52 am
You mean you don’t play roll chase all the time too?
June 9, 2012 at 2:48 pm
As I scrolled, I kept thinking it was some sort of hat made of hide…..til I read the description and was still confused and also irritated (I heard it in annoying adult baby-voice). WHY must these crap peddlers personify their hot glued junk? Did she accidentally drop it in soup and throw it at the cat? Geez lady, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!
June 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm
“HONEY, THE DRAINPIPE IS BROKEN AND DIRTY WATER IS GUSHING OUT! THE BASEMENT’S FLOODING AND I CAN’T FIND MY DAMN CLAMPS!”
June 9, 2012 at 3:36 pm
“Oh, honey, maybe Millie Minkie can help! She’s soooooo happy to help!”
“Oh, hell, the pharmacist didn’t automatically refill your meds again!”
June 9, 2012 at 3:30 pm
My first thought was that it was a vajazzled bajingo, this site is really doing things to my brain!!
June 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm
But when you consider the fact that there are so many vajazzled bajingos out there, it’s really quite understandable.
June 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm
If I buy that thing and it’s covered in cracker crumbs and tomato stains, so help me…
June 10, 2012 at 8:14 am
If you buy that thing, I agree, someone should help you.
June 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm
OMG, it’s Sloth!!
June 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm
That was pretty good, and she still sells this so she should use that tag.
June 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm
A tad irrelevant, but I was looking at the seller’s feedback and, well:
“The scarf smelled so bad when I rec’d it that it turned my stomach. When I washed it, the water was filthy!”
Oddly, I do not find Miss Minkie as offensive as I did five minutes ago.
June 9, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Don’t touch that thing! You don’t know where its been!
June 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm
I read that as “Mork and Mindy Cuff Bracelet”, and wondered if they harvested all that fur from Robin Williams. I daresay it would vastly improve the value of the piece. By a whole five dollars, even!
June 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm
Oh for fuck sake! Another one from my city. No wonder the Canadian on “The Simpson’s” was in the slow class. Fuck.
June 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I don’t get it. The seller actually has cool stuff that I would buy if I had the money. And the descriptions are pretty straight-forward and non-”cutsey”. I wonder what it is about Millie Minkie that would bring out the personification of a pipe clamp with crap glued to it.
June 10, 2012 at 5:54 am
She was off her meds at that point…. now she is good
June 9, 2012 at 8:07 pm
What, exactly, is it being modeled on?
June 9, 2012 at 11:22 pm
A liver spotted wrist with a fist.
June 10, 2012 at 9:50 am
Oh.
June 9, 2012 at 10:29 pm
If there is a Ms. Millie Minkie AND it comes on whatever nub that it was modeled on chances are one of us Mixed Species guys will buy it and make it his new friend with benefits.
XoXo
-the Mixed Species guys-
June 10, 2012 at 2:51 am
It looks like somebody shoved their fist through the head of a dead Furbee.
June 10, 2012 at 6:03 am
You think this is freaky? Her other shop is full of mangled hair extensions…
http://www.etsy.com/shop/chippewacharm
June 10, 2012 at 2:15 pm
She needs to sell it, so she can buy tomato soup.. for “the others”.
June 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS THING IS STILL FOR SALE??? it’s been over two years!! how is this masterpiece not eating tomato soup and playing with her cat squeak in someone else’s home by now?!?!
June 10, 2012 at 7:33 pm
This is, by far, the saddest thing I can currently remember seeing on Regretsy.
June 10, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Jean Teasdale has found Etsy – expect plenty of “Eric Estrada in a Thomas Kinkade cottage” forthcoming. Meanwhile Hubby Rick is preparing to copy that Wurzelbacher dude all the way to getting voted on for something or other if it means he’ll finally escaped the handcuffed-to-hell that is life with Her In Pink Sweats.
June 11, 2012 at 7:13 am
She may have a future designing chastity belts. That thing would scare anyone away.