ATTENTION LOUISVILLE RESIDENTS
Finally! A man who will go down on you without asking you to pay for it! What a breath of fresh air!
Now before you get too excited, there are some restrictions to this generous offer:
Think you qualify? Click here to fill out an application!
June 7, 2012 at 9:50 am
“I must think you are cute”. What a blow to the ego it would be, to be deemed insufficiently attractive to the Free Oral guy. Not worth the risk of rejection. I’ll just keep paying for it.
June 7, 2012 at 9:54 am
That was my first thought–”Oh damn, what if he thinks I’m not cute enough?” I’m gonna keep my panties on and hang out for a real relationship, thanks.
June 7, 2012 at 9:58 am
Oh wait, “Some people say that I have weird tastes”…I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, Free Oral Guy!
June 7, 2012 at 11:10 am
I think that was supposed to be taken tongue-in-cheek.
June 7, 2012 at 3:23 pm
You’ll keep on more than just your panties. This wonderful and generous man wants you to be naked. Not for his satisfaction, you understand, but as payment for his services. You don’t want something for nothing, do you? Like an STD?
June 7, 2012 at 10:07 am
June 7, 2012 at 10:48 am
Depends, really.
June 7, 2012 at 10:50 am
Wow, that sounded even creepier than I thought it would.
April, what have you done to me?
…
Who’m I kidding. My brain, it is a strange, sick place.
Regretsy: helping disturbed people realize their personal sickness since 2009!
June 7, 2012 at 10:17 am
Rev. BIOU: Do you have a big buzzer on your PC when a posting comes up, you always manage to get right in there, even though I know you are a busy girl!! (love your blog)
Keep up the amusement
June 7, 2012 at 10:20 am
Ha, no. I often have facebook open in another window, and I’ll click a regretsy link as soon as it appears. I *AM* a busy girl, but obviously I am taking exactly .05 seconds to think up my brilliant commentary.
Now I have a hangup about waiting a few minutes to post them lest anyone think I’m a premature ejokeulator.
June 7, 2012 at 10:24 am
Evidently, you don’t work in an open plan workplace!! You aren’t OCD are you?
June 7, 2012 at 10:26 am
NEW HANGUP TO EXPLORE.
June 7, 2012 at 10:30 am
Honestly though, I’ll only be quick to reply to the posts that happen at a certain time of day when I am not w*rking. I never get in on the ones during my busy hours. I miss out on a lot of vulva jokes, but that is my lot in life.
June 7, 2012 at 9:51 am
I think I’m officially disgusted with people now.
June 7, 2012 at 10:09 am
Hey, it’s a tough economy. His charitable works should be applauded. With clean hands, of course.
June 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm
Oh come on. This is the first real reason I’ve been given to move to Kentucky.
June 7, 2012 at 5:11 pm
A second reason would be our fine cuisine http://www.kystatefair.org/images/geninfo/poster/enlargements/2010DucksPoster.png
June 7, 2012 at 9:51 am
I want to see what HE looks like. I mean, I don’t live in Louisville, and I’m not single, but I AM really curious now.
June 7, 2012 at 10:00 am
http://www.vice.com/read/louisville-free-face-still-available
I am in Louisville, but must decline to participate in this fuckery. Even if I was single, this gets a big NO from me.
June 7, 2012 at 10:38 am
Part of me so wants to post that to facebook for the lulz, but another part of me is fearful that some may take it the wrong way.
June 7, 2012 at 11:34 am
he’s with some pretty classy women in one of those pictures. The ankle bracelet adds a wonderful touch.
June 7, 2012 at 4:42 pm
It’s not fuckery, just lickery, or at least that’s what he SAYS.
June 7, 2012 at 7:59 pm
I wouldn’t hit that with a 10ft pole.
June 7, 2012 at 8:32 pm
And remember, ladies: the only relevant opinion is that he think YOU are attractive!
June 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm
I’m going to need to see some pictures of the top of his head.
June 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
Pic right here:
http://www.myspace.com/baphomet69/photos/567387#{%22ImageId%22%3A567387}
June 7, 2012 at 10:04 am
Obvy, you have to copy the end part of that link. Or here, have a tinyurl instead:
http://tinyurl.com/louisvillelasher
June 7, 2012 at 10:11 am
Either way it worked. He’s pretty much what I pictured, but Mr. Weird Tastes is standing in that pic like it’s his first day at school, and mom wanted to take a pic of him in his shortpants.
June 7, 2012 at 10:20 am
Holy goomer!
June 7, 2012 at 10:46 am
It goes to show how lame I am that I ignored the awkward guy in the photo and looked through the pictures to see the building better, because I was thinking, “That school looks like Hogwarts was painted white!”
June 8, 2012 at 3:03 am
I’ve been with worse. Of course it was in a blackout, but still.
June 7, 2012 at 10:13 am
Before the blue dye job.
June 7, 2012 at 10:15 am
He graduated to Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/george.kistner?ref=ts
June 7, 2012 at 10:21 am
Well, hell, that says he’s in a relationship now – and he doesn’t believe in cheating, so I guess the offer is rescinded!
June 7, 2012 at 10:29 am
A day late and a dental dam short. There’s always the Super Mario dude.
June 7, 2012 at 10:56 am
I have this weird feeling that he met his girlfriend through his website offer. Like some kind of romantic comedy. Then she made him join Facebook, cut his hair, and buy a suit.
June 7, 2012 at 11:10 am
Maybe it’s an open relationship.
June 7, 2012 at 7:12 pm
This was on his about me page:
Relational Status : Taken and unavailable for this work right now
June 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm
HE LISTS THAT WEBSITE ON HIS FACEBOOK. UNDER HIS CONTACT INFO.
June 7, 2012 at 10:26 am
I love a man with white socks and shorts, most upset I don’t live anywhere near Louisville!
June 7, 2012 at 10:39 am
…Uh. He freakishly resembles my soon-to-be-ex husband in his younger days. Clearly I am outing myself as being prone to bad decisions in the romance department. Ahem. And I -am- from Kentucky. But Louisville’s on the other side of the state.
June 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm
Holy crap. I’m in!
June 7, 2012 at 5:28 pm
What now? All I heard was Simon Pegg….
June 8, 2012 at 11:45 am
BOO! Don’t you EVER try and cross those wires again!
June 10, 2012 at 8:11 pm
HELL no!
June 7, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Oh….taken of George in what seems to be in front of a church. Well then I guess the church makes this all legit and OK.
June 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Apparently he’s an ordained minister, sooooooo…
June 8, 2012 at 10:15 pm
Yes, but don’t you just have to, like mail in an application to do that?
July 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm
well this guy doesn’t look like he has oral herpes or like a psychopath at all, does he?
June 7, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Maybe it’s just me but when trying to attract sexual partners, do you really want to keep including the word “weird” in your descriptions? Especially when referencing yourself?
June 7, 2012 at 10:49 pm
“Weird blue hair” – Papa Smurf is that you?!
June 7, 2012 at 9:52 am
Apply today and receive a free dental dam as our gift to you!
June 7, 2012 at 10:04 am
Ah, but he doesn’t use them: http://www.courier-journal.com/blogs/vel06/2009/02/louisville-free-face-speaks.html
Did you think it could get LESS appealing? Just did. This guy’s free gift is bajingo cooties.
June 7, 2012 at 10:22 am
Wait wait. He has “vibrating tongue rings” but the batteries “only last 20 minutes”.
Dude, he’s not kidding about being “out of practice” if it’s taking him more than 20 minutes to get you off WITH vibratory assistance.
June 7, 2012 at 3:12 pm
He needs to get the Energizer bunny.
June 7, 2012 at 11:16 am
Wow, that says “Originally, I did the site just to see how good I was at html.”
If his “face” is as good as his html, he really should be paying these poor women. Also a web designer.
June 7, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Always use the Geocities-izer responsibly.
June 7, 2012 at 11:21 am
How can he possibly believe that his website is professional?
Perhaps a web designer should contact him to offer their services.
Providing they’re willing to perform their services in exchange for his services, of course. ;P
June 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Can you imagine the outbreak on his face…ugg.
June 7, 2012 at 9:52 am
FINALLY someone in my area! I’m gonna go tidy up the shop.
June 7, 2012 at 10:07 am
Don’t do it! You might get more than you bargained for… From his about page: “I can legally marry and baptize people in 48 states.” Now I’m picturing a cellar full of ‘wives’…
June 7, 2012 at 6:54 pm
If by “tidy up the shop” you mean wash your bajingo, I think that is a requirement of his services.
June 7, 2012 at 9:52 am
Am I clean enough? Perhaps I should order that bajingo wash to make sure that I am as fresh as…thyme.
June 7, 2012 at 9:57 am
This is sage advice. Give it the full wash, don’t just dab at it parsley.
June 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm
At least you don’t have to worry about him cumin.
June 7, 2012 at 11:59 am
The grapefruit could be a problem though. What if he gets it in his eye? Yow!
June 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm
If a grapefruit and thyme marinade is good enough for salmon, it should be good enough for him. Wait…he doesn’t like that fishy smell, does he?
June 7, 2012 at 9:54 am
“Collections: Transformers”
Cunnilingus Prime.
June 7, 2012 at 10:22 am
Mega-Hitachi-tron crushes Cunnilingus Prime.
June 7, 2012 at 10:30 am
June 7, 2012 at 10:44 am
This is going to haunt my dreams.
“Gene Simmons! Roll out!”
June 7, 2012 at 12:49 pm
This picture is turning me on and I don’t know why. Please don’t make me Google Transformers yaoi.
June 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Do it! Do it now! Getoffmylawn, you like to be made to do things, don’t you, so you’re innocent…that’s kinda hot, actually!
June 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Oh it’s already here. I get a ton of slash art in my deviantart inbox because I watch a few robot-drawing groups.
http://fav.me/d1c4dte
WHAT.
June 7, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Sometimes, I really hate my fandom.
June 7, 2012 at 2:38 pm
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/06/21
June 12, 2012 at 6:35 am
I searched “dildozer” and got over 1200 results.
I can’t bring myself to click ANY of them.
June 7, 2012 at 10:53 pm
his picture shows that he is a Deceptacon…
June 7, 2012 at 9:54 am
I’m tempted to apply just to see if I’m worthy. I’ll be heartbroken if it turns out I’m not cute, though! D:
June 7, 2012 at 9:55 am
“How to get murdered and left in a dumpster with one easy application.”
June 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
Perhaps you’ll even be crucified first! From his website:
…how reassuring.
June 7, 2012 at 10:14 am
I know! Better off playing Mario in a stranger’s hotel room. Maybe this guy just needs a good video game to add to his repertoire. Holy shit, I spelled that right first try.
June 7, 2012 at 11:54 am
I just keep repeating repertoire in my head over and over after reading this comment. I think the mandatory vodka detox is fucking with me.
June 7, 2012 at 10:15 am
In the course of the day, how often do you think the word “crawlspace” pops into his head?
June 7, 2012 at 10:20 am
Thinking of applying, but worried you’re heading into uncharted waters? It’s ok, he was at one time ‘a dedicated and Initiated Wiccan Priest in the Coven of Uncharted Waters’…
Which I guess makes it all ok.
June 7, 2012 at 11:08 am
Yeaaah I was an initiated Wiccan Priestess at one point and I would steer clear. We get a lot of weirdos.
June 7, 2012 at 9:55 am
There are so many disturbing things about this ad that it’s hard to pick which part is the most disturbing, but I’ll go with “I have been out of practice for awhile.”
June 7, 2012 at 9:59 am
For me it’s the animated tongue, hands down. Creeps me out.
June 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm
That animated tongue is attached to lips sporting red lipstick. Can we expect him to wear it during his….free offer?
June 7, 2012 at 10:00 am
Only because there were no women at the prison.
June 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
I’m voting for “oozing mouth sore finally healed up”.
June 7, 2012 at 10:15 am
Or at his ‘dungeon’ aka mom’s basement.
June 7, 2012 at 10:21 am
The most offensive thing about it is colored text on a black background. Everything else is tied for second.
June 7, 2012 at 11:56 am
Its the mix of font colors, for me. Even geocities would’ve suspended that page.
June 7, 2012 at 9:56 am
Im totally getting a Kenny Powers vibe from this dude.
June 7, 2012 at 9:56 am
Between the creepy tongue graphic, the eye searing colour choices, and the ‘died’ hair, how could anyone possibly resist?
June 7, 2012 at 9:56 am
When I saw “Attention Louisville Residents” I got excited because I thought something embarrassing would be happening here.
Instead, a rapist.
June 7, 2012 at 10:06 am
So did I! I thought Whimsicle Fuckery was headed our way. Alas, it’s just Disturbing Fuckery.
June 7, 2012 at 11:23 am
I thought someone had hacked Regretsy and was posting targeted ads, the way Facebook keeps telling me there are attractive older women in Louisville who want to meet me.
There are also religious women and young women who like older men who want to meet me. Another thing all these women have in common, if the pictures are to be believed, is enormous titties.
June 7, 2012 at 12:08 pm
And every night they get down on their knees and praise God for their enormous titties. Or they pray. Or something.
June 7, 2012 at 9:56 am
The bloody horizontal rule is a bit off-putting.
June 7, 2012 at 10:24 am
That, plus everything above and below it.
June 7, 2012 at 9:56 am
Ladies, if you are in the Louisville area, and would like to try out for the Kippy Moonbeam Tonsil Hockey Team, meet me at Churchill Downs. Look for the banner reading, “Comesuckme Derby.”
June 7, 2012 at 9:57 am
I am a little bit disturbed that he has to find you “cute” but you don’t have to be OF LEGAL AGE.
June 7, 2012 at 10:03 am
Actually (whew!) on the website there is a thing about that:
“You must be a woman of legal age to utilize this service. I am not going to do anything illegal. This is to ensure that I will be able to keep this site active for as long as possible.”
…not because it’s wrong, but because it’ll let him keep the site up longer.
June 7, 2012 at 10:06 am
I also think it’s covered by the whole “not wanting people to be mad” thing. I’m sure the dads with shot guns and the cops (to name a few) would be “mad.”
June 7, 2012 at 10:11 am
Somehow, I’m no less disturbed.
June 7, 2012 at 10:15 am
Just what the Louisville needs…for him to keep it up longer.
June 7, 2012 at 10:17 am
That wasn’t part of the deal was it?
June 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm
No, just a bonus.
June 7, 2012 at 7:53 pm
Why does he need to know what section of Louisville I live i? I don’t like it.
Just because I’m sitting on your face doesn’t mean you’re allowed to get all up in my personal business.
June 7, 2012 at 9:58 am
You had me at “Transformers”.
June 7, 2012 at 11:11 am
Sorry to disappoint you. He didn’t mean G1.
June 7, 2012 at 9:58 am
His deal breaker is whether or not I’m cute…mine is whether or not he’ll let me play Super Mario Bros while he goes to town on my hoo-ha. A girl’s gotta have some standards.
June 7, 2012 at 10:06 am
Bonus points for quoting Real Genius!
June 7, 2012 at 10:41 am
And he damn well better get you off when the fireworks hit!
June 7, 2012 at 9:58 am
I wonder if he puts this under “Hobbies” on his resume?
Also I’m not sure why he thought mentioning his Transformers collection was a pertinent fact….
June 7, 2012 at 10:00 am
Oh, I’m reasonably certain that it’s pertinent, Wednesday. It does speak volumes about him, doesn’t it?
June 7, 2012 at 10:40 am
It’s really more of a warning…
June 7, 2012 at 3:50 pm
And according to him, hobbies and collections are physical characteristics.
June 7, 2012 at 9:58 am
Guess I gotta get on ordering “My new pink button” now. I’m only 22, but I gotta make sure I’m cute enough for a guy with weird blue hair and a shitty tattoo!
June 7, 2012 at 9:59 am
Yeah, I clicked on the link.
And I will now never be able to hear the expression ‘uncharted waters’ without thinking of this guy.
From his about page:
“At one time I was a dedicated and Initiated Wiccan Priest in the Coven of Uncharted Waters.”
Is it me, or is it somehow oddly appropriate given the context of the advert?
June 7, 2012 at 9:59 am
“We can consider my admiring your naked body to be my payment for services rendered if you feel uncomfortable about getting something for nothing.”
OOOOOH, CAN WE?
There are almost as many versions of this ad on Craigslist at any given time as there are pictures of penises.
June 7, 2012 at 9:59 am
The real selling point is the burning Sigil of Baphomet. Everyone knows that Christians SUCK ASS at sucking ass.
June 7, 2012 at 2:53 pm
Yeah, the best part is how he says it like everyone knows what that means.
June 7, 2012 at 7:47 pm
To be fair, we’re on the internet. Google that shit. Wiki is the first result for it. It’s a goat head pentagram thing.
June 7, 2012 at 7:59 pm
But goats will eat anything no matter how it looks or smells. This guy really is complicated.
June 7, 2012 at 10:00 am
http://www.myspace.com/baphomet69
June 7, 2012 at 10:01 am
Yeah.
http://a2.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/142/60ff5d204c8e4ccf9f890088b38074b9/l.jpg
I’m gonna go get a shower and stay inside all day now.
June 7, 2012 at 10:20 am
This photo is from the Episcopal Church of the Assumption in downtown Louisville. And probably taken by his mom. Note also the “congrats on your freedom” posts on the page. LaGrange pen, anyone?
June 7, 2012 at 4:33 pm
he did say he’d been out of practice.
June 7, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Unless it was the women’s prison in LaGrange.
June 7, 2012 at 7:10 pm
The church is just a couple of blocks east of the jail, so maybe he was there.
June 9, 2012 at 1:42 am
I read your comment too fast – thought it said “I have to shower my insides now”..
June 7, 2012 at 10:12 am
Oh, thank God it’s not my nephew (who lives in Lousiville). I was afraid I was on the brink of suffering massive family TMI.
June 7, 2012 at 10:25 am
Good Christ his picture is scarier than the mental image I created.
June 7, 2012 at 10:00 am
I can’t decide on all the options offered: Pop Rocks, Altoids, or Alka Seltzers? Wow! Not only does he provide FREE oral, but drug store options too!
June 7, 2012 at 11:14 am
Probably because he gets his STD scripts filled there.
June 7, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Alka Seltzers WOW. I love this. I could sing “plop plop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is” over and over through the entire face session without feeling all weird and shit for once.
June 7, 2012 at 10:00 am
I don’t really see what the problem is with this post- I mean, I like to keep my standards high when I solicit total strangers to provide them with my own special style of free, no-strings-attached oral sex on the interwebs.
Am I missing something here?!
June 7, 2012 at 10:00 am
My Kentucky-living ass clicked on this thinking it was going to be one of those, “Hey, if you live in the Louisville area, go buy this thing for me and I’ll reimburse you” kind of posts. How happy for me that it is not!
June 7, 2012 at 10:38 am
HK: Regretsy Pimp
June 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
The sad thing is if a woman ran an ad like this offering the equivalent service to men she would have a line stretching around the block in ten minutes.
June 7, 2012 at 10:17 am
On the bright side, in that case, it wouldn’t matter if she was cute.
June 7, 2012 at 10:27 am
And not one of those men would question whether or not he’s “cute” enough to apply.
June 9, 2012 at 1:44 am
Hobbies – crafting Whitney Houston clocks and 7 foot tall marble vaginas.
I want to make a female Free Face website happen.
June 7, 2012 at 10:03 am
I live in Louisville and according to my boyfriend this dude has had this site for a while. He has been pointed out to me by friends at a local bar. I’ve never seen the actual site until now and man… I’m more creeped out reading this than I was hearing about it. Way to do the hard sleuthing for me regretsy!
June 7, 2012 at 10:04 am
do i want to know why someone would want alka-seltzer used on them during the, uh, act? kinda takes the plop-plop fizz-fizz to a whole new level…
June 7, 2012 at 12:12 pm
But when you get to the peak…”Oh, what a relief it is”
June 7, 2012 at 10:05 am
Maybe his tongue will offer better leak protection than my tampon…
June 7, 2012 at 10:07 am
His dark blond hair died a weird blue? Is it contagious?
June 7, 2012 at 10:07 am
OMG – I just pray that this isn’t someone I know – ::::facepalm:::
June 7, 2012 at 10:08 am
The most worrisome thing about this to me…well, if I had to pick *just* one, anyway…is that “clean” does not include “disease free”.
Got the herp? No problem! Just keep that shit clean!
June 7, 2012 at 10:10 am
That’s only because you can’t get STDs from oral. Come on, EVERYONE knows that! …
June 7, 2012 at 10:09 am
he has blue hair and collects Transformers? Ladies, please ask for ID first! I smell a Statutory Rape charge coming..
June 7, 2012 at 10:09 am
I want to scrub my body with a rock under scalding hot water. Then I want Agent J to show up with the neuralizer and wipe this post out of my brain.
June 7, 2012 at 11:15 am
Well you would be clean enough for the guy after all that.
June 7, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Maybe. The guy has very high standards.
June 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Maybe I should email him and see if he likes his girls skinless?
June 7, 2012 at 10:10 am
Check out the application. He says: “The next three questions (in green) are for statistical purposes only.” I can’t help wondering what the statistics are for: a tongue based census? A doctoral dissertation on the sexual tastes of “cute” women? Do they prefer pop rocks or electricity? These are, after all, the central questions of our time.
June 7, 2012 at 10:17 am
Now, if the federal census were tongue based they might get a better response rate.
June 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm
He should apply for a grant…I am SURE there is money out there for this type of ‘research’
June 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm
NSF
June 7, 2012 at 9:17 pm
Actually, now that I think of it, the National Institute of Mental Health is more appropriate.
June 7, 2012 at 10:12 am
Do you think his mother lets him do this in the basement?
On the other hand if he looks like Jimmy Durante (remember him) it would be like Buy One Get One Free!!
June 7, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Hey, if he looked like Jimmy Durante he’d have his tongue and his nose working simultaneously.
Now I’m picturing JD furiously shaking his head as he delivered a punchline.
Not sure if that image bothers me…and that bothers me.
June 8, 2012 at 4:16 am
haaah cha cha cha
June 8, 2012 at 10:01 am
Dunno, but Id bet hard money on the fact that he prolly does it on a shitty old afghan that reeks of weed.
June 7, 2012 at 10:13 am
I do appreciate that he has “no hidden agenda,” because don’t you just hate it when someone is going down on you and – right in the middle of everything – they try to convert you to Scientology?
June 7, 2012 at 12:10 pm
“That tingle you’re feeling? It’s the aliens trying to get in contact.”
June 7, 2012 at 10:15 am
I love his tasteful choice to use the blood drip page divider.
June 7, 2012 at 11:45 am
He really likes oral. Does blood constitute as unclean for him, or is it that they have to have a shower annually?
June 7, 2012 at 11:48 am
Oh just read it again, it’s okay as long as he can breath, and he’ll only do blood if he’s dating you
June 7, 2012 at 10:17 am
Um… Why does he have a bloody dripping line divider on that page???
Does he have… other tastes? Shark… week?
June 7, 2012 at 10:25 am
Explicitly disclaimed in the last two sentences of “You must be clean.” Also, in a row?
June 7, 2012 at 10:17 am
I find his claim of an IQ “Range from 132 – 163–Avg. = 154″ pretty difficult to believe. Especially since his math doesn’t compute. [Not that math skills or lack thereof necessarily equate with a high or low IQ -- I'm just sayin'.]
Oh, and then he goes on to say: “Relational Status : Taken and unavailable for this work right now”
WTF??
http://www.louisvillefreeface.com/aboutme.htm
June 7, 2012 at 10:18 am
Am I the only one who thinks that facial hair should be listed in the physical characteristics?
June 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm
ON the woman or FOR the woman??
June 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Definitely FOR the woman. Although I suppose you could specify your preference for his facial hair in the “Do you like any of these other things used on you or done while you are receiving oral?” section of the application.
June 9, 2012 at 1:46 am
“On” the woman makes me think of cunnilingus married with planking.
June 7, 2012 at 10:19 am
“How did you find my site?”
“This is so I know how much travel time I need if I have to meet you to please you.”
Im going with Helsinki.
June 7, 2012 at 10:19 am
All the moral, ethical talk and high standards coming from a free man whore confuse me.
June 7, 2012 at 10:27 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 7, 2012 at 10:19 am
Helen, I can’t help but wonder if this rash of weird-sex-listings has anything to do with Bronc being out of town.
June 7, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Yeah, we seem to be on a theme here.
June 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm
But the not etsy listings, those I can’t explain.
June 7, 2012 at 10:20 am
3 things to note:
He has a myspace page
He spells magic “magick”
He has a relational status
June 7, 2012 at 10:21 am
This website is rich in detail: “You should let your friends know about your experience if you have a good time. Word of mouth is the best advertisement.”
He asks if I am disease free?
June 7, 2012 at 10:36 am
“Word of mouth,” huh?
June 7, 2012 at 10:25 am
I can’t help but wonder… There must be something horribly wrong with this guy if he enjoys giving oral sex so much, but doesn’t have a girlfriend.
June 7, 2012 at 10:26 am
Relational Status : Taken and unavailable for this work right now
Does that mean his “SHOP” is on vacation?
June 7, 2012 at 10:28 am
Relational status: Joined 1:1 on primary key
June 7, 2012 at 11:27 am
I kind of wonder if his girlfriend doesn’t get off on watching him do this for other women. Could be part of their thing.
June 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm
If she doesn’t watch, maybe she gets off on his telling her afterward.
June 7, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Well, he did say he needed the practice. Perhaps she agrees.
June 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Is that a line from Sex and the City?
June 7, 2012 at 10:26 am
Hmm. I probably shouldn’t have been so closely examining his website on my work computer.
June 7, 2012 at 10:30 am
Occupation: Student and College Math Tutor
So either he works with children or is chronically unemployed.
Relational Status : Taken and unavailable for this work right now
And so I guess his girlfriend doesn’t like him going down on her, since he says he’s out of practice.
But hey, he’s an Ordained Minister, can’t be all bad.
June 7, 2012 at 10:35 am
he has a facebook that says he is in a relationship… I feel sorry for the poor girl.
June 8, 2012 at 12:51 am
A guy who loves giving oral that much can’t be all bad.
June 8, 2012 at 10:03 am
Maybe she likes to watch?
June 7, 2012 at 10:35 am
Can we get some Regretsy gear with “if I cannot breath, I cannot help you” printed up asap???
June 7, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Maybe he needs a commint.
June 7, 2012 at 10:47 am
I actually know someone who lives in Louisville, collects Transformers, and is wacky enough to post something like this. Hmm.
June 7, 2012 at 10:51 am
Never mind. Should have read through the comments first. Looked at his facebook page. Don’t know him. (Probably a good thing.)
June 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Probably??
June 7, 2012 at 10:48 am
This is what happens when they start letting the mental patients read 50 Shades of Grey.
June 7, 2012 at 10:48 am
I’m intrigued by the fact that his name being George is a physical characteristic.
June 7, 2012 at 10:58 am
Once a guy I knew offered to bang me, but I demurred, saying no thanks, I was on the rag. Then he whipped out a large PURPLE TOWEL he saved for just such occasions. “Really? I have a purple towel, it’ll be fine…” I did not want to get near or examine the purple towel closely, now that I could see he had a thing for banging girls on the rag. Somehow that just totally freaked me out.
I tore out of that place pretty quick. He never did return the (unrelated) book I loaned him previously. fucker.
The “offer” to bang me was already on the edge, though I have received many such “offers”, pitched as if they were doing me a favor, like I couldn’t get anyone else to make the effort, or they were somehow “special” and better than whoever I was dating at the time. I think they were aiming for that moment of weakness all women feel from time to time.
But the purple towel was a dealbreaker right there.
June 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm
I’m now hearing “purple towel” to the tune of Purple Rain.
June 8, 2012 at 7:28 am
I’m imagining your buddy with the purple towel as the guy from “Showgirls,” you know. The one who “[had] a problem with pussy.”
June 7, 2012 at 10:58 am
What’s the retail value of this free offer? This pitch is missing so many things.
June 7, 2012 at 11:08 am
found an article about him and it has a pic….um yeah NO thank you!
http://www.asylum.com/2009/01/20/mans-web-site-offers-free-oral-sex-to-louisville-women/
June 7, 2012 at 11:15 am
I appreciate how open he is about it. Lessens the chance of homicide.
June 7, 2012 at 11:17 am
This explains why I’ve been getting so few responses to my ad in LEO. They are all applying to him.
June 7, 2012 at 11:23 am
“I will not go down on anyone who is on the rag. Unless we are dating. Sorry for the incontinence”
I like old fashioned guys who save the special stuff for when they are truly in love.
June 7, 2012 at 11:59 am
Curse you auto correct “sorry for the INCONVENIENCE”
What auto correct added is even yuckier than the original.
Sorry guys.
June 7, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Good thing that was autocorrect. When I read that, I almost lost my shit.
June 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Well, you wouldn’t have lost your sh—
Oh, I see what you did there!
June 7, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Yeah, I’m gonna stick with your original posting. It’s so much more whimsicle!
June 9, 2012 at 1:53 am
That was golden!
June 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm
‘Tis a cowardly pirate that does not fight on a bloody deck.
June 7, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Every good warrior has blood on his sword!
June 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 7, 2012 at 11:26 am
Honestly? I think he’s adorable. I wish him the best of luck.
June 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Oh, good! I’m not the only one..
June 7, 2012 at 11:40 am
Strangely, I was at a talk about sexual selection last night, that focused on female choice. And there was a little bit on the Victorian idea that courtship displays were there to get the female interested in mating, because females were thought to instinctively avoid mating.
The speaker’s message all the lonely males, regardless of species, was:
Females want to breed, just not with you.
June 8, 2012 at 10:09 am
Awesome! I love behavioral analysis that tries to reevaluate animal sexual interactions from an unbiased standpoint, either by being more neutral or by looking at it in the female direction instead. In school I remember we talked a lot about elephant seals and how traditionally everyone has been like, “The biggest males control the most females so they get to bang the most! Woo!” but another interpretation is, “Females like to hang around the biggest males cause the big beachmasters keep all the annoying younger guys from bothering them so they have more time to nurse their pups.”
Does the person/people who gave the talk do research on this? Id be interested in reading it!
June 7, 2012 at 11:47 am
When was this website made? 1997? The tongues moving around really adds to the WTF factor.
I’m glad I’m not anywhere near Louisville, but all of these sex ads made me look up on craigslist some of the casual encounters in my area and I was surprised at how many horny bastards there are in northern Michigan.
June 7, 2012 at 12:00 pm
I’ve been to the upper peninsula. I’m not the least bit surprised.
June 7, 2012 at 11:55 am
“Also, I will not go down on anyone on the rag unless we are dating”
And they say romance is dead. . .
June 7, 2012 at 12:12 pm
What am I missing if he was born in 1980 and claims to be 30? Is his site two years out of date? Does that mean he’s not getting any action – or constant action? And what’s with the Alka Seltzer? So many questions that I don’t want answers to.
June 7, 2012 at 12:16 pm
The blue haired guy isn’t the only one who likes to go downtown.
June 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm
That reminds me of my ex, and I’m not exaggerating.
June 7, 2012 at 12:42 pm
The frowney face was that I was reminded of my ex and what a really bad choice he was. Not that I miss him. Just had to be clear.
June 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I’m not butt-hurting because this isn’t a craft, but there have been so many weird sex ads it’s almost like they need a site of their own. Repulsive Personals? I smell a weiner*! *winner
June 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm
There’s always a catch isn’t there? You think you’re signing up to have your water-slide washed for free, but O no! No no, you have to be “cute” and “clean”!
If I took up this hobby… I’d be an equal-opportunity clam sucker. *nod*
June 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm
I once drove a rented SUV to Louisville and pulled into a private parking lot by mistake. Upon trying to exit the parking space, I had a full-blown anxiety attack and spent the next 27 minutes sweating, crying, and inching that fucking thing back and forth while a crowd of onlookers gathered and my sons alternated between offering encouragement and offering to call 911. On the whole, I’d rather be back in that predicament or stick my tit in a planer at the Louisville Slugger factory than meet this guy. But maybe it’s just a “me” thing.
June 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm
The way he has this all written you would think that woman are lining up around the block.
I’m imagining some assmebly line service that includes tables with stir ups and one of those little tickers that clocks off how many satisfied customers and ever time one lady lays down he yells out “order up!”
June 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm
He must be one of the Kentucky HeadHunters.
.
.
.
.
.
.
sorry…
June 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm
A man who calls himself ‘Vampire Lord’ won’t give oral sex to a woman on her period?
June 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Aaaaarrggghh! the stupid stupid downthumbing will begin… At least I feel this day has not been spent in vain as I learnt one more american english slang term :\
June 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I’ll assume you meant to type “spent in vein” as a pun.
Thumbs-up.
June 7, 2012 at 1:02 pm
What, no “cunning linguist” puns???? Or did I miss something.
Anyway, clearly this is an offer than can’t be licked.
June 7, 2012 at 1:15 pm
So the guy who’s a bit out of practice is trying to build his cuntfolio… Nottn wrong with that. It’s like an eye doctor going to third world country to ride in a van around neighborhoods and do surgeries in a van. Practice makes perfect!
June 7, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I DO live in Louisville and was so disappointed—okay, heartbroken—that this wasn’t an announcement of a Regretsy meetup. At least not the kind I’m in the market for.
June 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm
So organize one. I think the choir loft at Holy Grale would be a good place.
June 7, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Or the public library
June 7, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Don’t you think that’s a little quiet and short on alcohol?
June 7, 2012 at 1:57 pm
People, you are making me sick! Instead of bitching about the guy, who is clearly in need of practice, we should be devising a plan of how to hook him up with the lady who can lift 28 pounds worth of metal scrap with her bajingo muscles (see recent posts). Don’t you think it would be a match made in heaven?!
June 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm
There’s a “cat got your tongue” joke in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.
June 7, 2012 at 2:45 pm
That’s a match made in heaven!
June 9, 2012 at 1:56 am
His tongue would get sucked up there and he wouldn’t be able to breath!!!
June 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm
That’s the idea, lizzers!
June 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm
I feel old again, when I was dating, young women with low standards never had to worry about paying for oral sex, or even beer. Everyone loves a girl with low standards right?
June 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm
It’s the only way I have sex
June 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Stan Dards? Who is this Stan Dards?
June 7, 2012 at 5:28 pm
I know I’m late on this one BUT I must share my story with this guy. While attending Jefferson Community College I frequented the math help lab because I am absolute shit at math. Guess who was one of the tutors? GEORGE! He is as creepy in person and he seems to be online, promise. One time he even gave me a business card for “free face” with all of his information on it. Perhaps I was pre approved? Either way, I never took him up on his offer, 4 years later I do not regret my decision.
June 7, 2012 at 7:03 pm
A brush with greatness.
June 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Oh, if ONLY I still lived in Kentucky! …. >:/
June 7, 2012 at 8:29 pm
This sounds totally legit. I mean, if the man is willing to go so far as to reveal that he has blue hair, he must be trustworthy. Right? He wants everything to be out in the open…
June 7, 2012 at 9:17 pm
I just knew one of his requirements would be “no STDs” but apparently that’s no problem to him.
June 8, 2012 at 5:22 am
“I can legally marry and baptize people in 48 states.
At one time I was a dedicated and Initiated Wiccan Priest in the Coven of Uncharted Waters.”
And he thought, ‘why stop there?’
June 8, 2012 at 6:13 am
“Relational Status: Taken and unavailable for this work right now”
What sort of ninja mind games is good ole George playing?
June 8, 2012 at 9:38 am
Why. Why. Why. I know better than to click on the links in comments. Do I resist the temptation? Do I just keep reading the comments, laughing and spitting my drink all over the screen? No. I have to click. It’s an illness, a sickness, a perversion. I am a train wreck.
June 8, 2012 at 10:12 am
Oooh, i just had fond flashbacks to the very first website I ever made, back in high school when I taught myself basic html: Green letters on a black starry background, everything centered, shitty GIFs of dragons and such. It was even on Geocities!
June 8, 2012 at 10:13 am
OH and a “website under construction” gif and hit counter at the bottom! xD
June 8, 2012 at 11:54 pm
LouisvilleFreeFacebook…meet George:
http://www.facebook.com/george.kistner
June 10, 2012 at 8:22 am
I got so excited when it said “Louisville Residents” now I am just disturbed. Granted I was a little to begin with.
Read about his blue hair and now I can’t get Blue Waffle out of my head.
WARNING: If you don’t know what blue waffle is DO NOT Google it!
^my public service announcement of the day^
June 20, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Holy crap. You posted this 5 days after I moved to Louisville, lol. I only pray he doesn’t live in my apartment complex.