Cosplay sex is SERIOUS BUSINESS.
I’d play along if I get to do a Goddess Strike.
I was thinking this the other day after the fuckable plushie My Little Pony and this post just reaffirms the thought. I’m pretty sure humanity is never going to be able to recover from the weirdness that has been unleashed with the invention of the internet. The anonymity coupled with the ease of ability to find other people with kinks similar to your own, no matter how weird, has damaged us beyond repair.
“Every Jack has his Jill; If one won’t, another will.” The internet just makes the whole process faster.
“must be gendered correctly”
so Jigglypuff is OK but no Jigglypoof?!
Can someone be that choosey when it comes to Comic Con cosplay?
“Boffer swords” are for amateurs unless by boffer swords he means his penis…
It’s the ability to find the kink-sharing others that I considered upon reading this. Someone out there is going to see this ad and suddenly be all ‘HONEY WE’VE FOUND HIM! WE’VE FOUND OUR MISSING LINK!’
(I promise I did not start out to write that. However, unlike sword-fighting with boffer swords, some things cannot be avoided.)
But, seriously. Two other people in the world will be priapismic upon reading this. AT LEAST two others. Nice.
Heh. You said “priapismic”
“Prismatic” is a hard word to spell
…aaannnd proving your point. You’re awesome, Stretch!
see what I tried to do there…?
This thread gave me a rainbow in my pants.
The only reason I am not giving your comment a thumbs up is it currently has 69 thumbs up as I am writing this, and that somehow seems appropriate.
Were you looking for priapic? Or is that a combination of priapic and orgasmic?
Well, it’s good to be able to specifically articulate your fantasy. Good luck in your quest, dude.
It doesn’t get much more specific than “I get to fuck the shit out of Zelda”
As a lady nerd, I don’t like his chances. Not because of the cosplay, but because he doesn’t sound like he plans to make this an enjoyable experience for the female participant.
Yeah, no kidding. I get it, everyone has preferences, but every time I see someone talking about/advertising a threesome and it’s clearly only two men banging one woman instead of equal participation all around, I just sort of sigh.
You know what? Ok. I’m down.
I’m off to ask all my friends in Eugene if this is their post and tease the fuck out of them regardless of whether it is or not.
Since you know people there, are you surprised this guy is from Eugene? I know I’m not.
I’m in school here in Eugene and I am totally not surprised. XD What a crazy bunch.
I’m in Springfield. And will pass this on to a couple of guys I know who work for a local radio station…
Donkey show? They’d enjoy the hell out of it.
No, not at all. Wouldn’t be surprised if the post had come from Portland either.
If it was Portland, wouldn’t the fantasy have been about fellating Colin Meloy in a hot tub full of PBR or something?
I’m told you have to pass a vocab test to do that. And it’s hard.
That’s what Zelda said.
You just won my endless devotion.
I think I about died when I read this brilliance! But they would have to be listening to obscure music on vinyl while doing it
We won’t even talk about what they get up to in Ashland.
My daughter is going to Anime Expo this year as Link. She can also play the ocarina.
I am more than a little worried now.
About 90% of con-goers are more or less normal people. Don’t worry too hard.
The 10% are weird as fuck, though.
Yup. But for the most part, even the 10% are nice people*. There’s always at least 1% who are total dick-heads though.
*says the woman who is still talked about at “Tales of Convention Horror” when Vic Mignogna (a voice actor who has done several shows and has a bat-shit insane fanclub. Beware the Risembool Rangers) is talking.
I know a good story about Vic Mignogna and a cherry stem.
My sister is obsessed with him, I had wondered if those stories were about her…
He told that story at Louisianime a few weeks ago! He’s been at every anime con I’ve ever been to(7 so far), has recognized me nearly every time, and acts like he’s on crack every. single. time.
Could you share this story?
Don’t worry, I think when the ad says “must all be gendered correctly” they meant no female Links.
Also, what Hypster said.
It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.
*hands over a can of mace*
How can I tell if I am “gendered correctly”? I don’t want this guy to think I’m stupid…
bumptious maybe but stupid left the building when the ad was posted
Fuck. Me. Running.
Would that be part of the super smash brothers/jigglypuff end play?
If I drop a ton of money on a custom cosplay outfit, I am sure as fuck not rolling around in some muddy field with this jackass while wearing it.
Think of it as buying some fancy lingerie. Really fancy, intricate and body-covering lingerie.
He said it had to be handmade. So you can’t get it on Etsy.
Oh, for Etsy’s definition of “handmade”, I’m sure that you can.
I actually found the listing weirdly charming, until the guy insisted that the costume must be handmade. I mean, he clearly knows how much work goes into that. You’d think if you found people who were willing to play this out, you’d be happy enough that, you know, you found people who were willing to play this out.
Now if this were my deranged fantasy, I’d make all the costumes instead of insisting others do so. Because if you need absolute nerdy “accuracy” in these things, this guy’s probably going to find “serious” flaws in the others’ costumes. Nothing sexier than a nerd orgy turned a nerd fight.
Second thought, we need someone to respond to the listing to offer to film it. TWENTY BUCKS
Nerd fight is the best possible outcome here, don’t you think?
over here in nearby portland, our weekly paper just launched ‘hump!,’ their annual amateur porn film festival. even more of a reason to film this debacle!
If I offered to film it for free, do you think he’d make me a Jigglypuff costume? I don’t know how yet, but I feel like I could use one of those.
It’s nice to see that he wants to get out of his mom’s basement and commune with nature.
Or at least fuck the shit out of it.
You misspelled ‘consumate with nature’.
Well, my kinks seem so much more vanilla now.
That feeling is the flip-side of the undisguised horror over the way Internet fandom rapes your childhood. Sure, everything you once loved has been irreparably despoiled but, shit, man, that thing you like to do with the six-pack of Vaseline and a spatula seems so…mild and reasonable now.
I just had a flashback to this pic of my fave actor licking a spatula . . .
I used to have a kink involving vanilla, but turns out vanilla in the wrong place stings
It is alcohol based. Though that can also be to it’s advantage depending what you’re looking for.
stingy AND tangy!
Try vanilla essential oil, not vanilla extract.
I can’t believe he forgot to mention that you have to hum the Hyrule theme the entire time you’re doing it.
Fucking amateurs. This is why we can’t have nice things.
Amateurs at fucking.
I see what you did there.
How about we just play “Call of Duty” in that lost forest, and wrap this up?
I admit it: I had to get my Google on to verify the exact nature of boffer swords. A request like this, I don’t know whether he’s talking about something used for regular LARPing or if I just haven’t looked at UrbanDictionary.com and OL sex stores recently enough.
Ditto. I was a little sad to learn it wasn’t some new-fangled slang for “tumescent members”.
I have a few boffer swords around here somewhere from when I was a medievalist. Over padded LARP boffers are for pussies (and so are their light contact rules). I’m talking whip sticks that’ll break bones or leave welts.
I thought that cross-stitch said “Cannon.” And I thought, what kind of a sick fuck has a William Conrad fetish?
That’s a cross stitch? I thought it was 8-bit. Wow, they’re mighty similar.
There’s a site out there that showed where someone had cross stitched iconic Nintendo screen shots, each pixel was a stitch. I think found them on http://www.spritestitch.com.
I love that site ever-so-very much. 8-bit lends itself to stitching very nicely.
I won’t say I have a fetish, I but APPRECIATE William Conrad!
As a big fan of old radio shows, I have heard William Conrad in many, many roles and his voice can make me all puddly and gooey, depending on the role. Even as Matt Dillon in “Gunsmoke” (he didn’t make the cut for the TV show because he didn’t “look” like the image the producers wanted).
(I think sick fucks have Broderick Crawford fetishes, but that’s just me.)
Hope he’s keeping track of his days ’cause that asshole moon don’t wait for NO ONE.
DAWN OF THE THIRD DAY
Well guys, time to start over… *pulls out ocarina*
In its own nerdy way, that is fucking awesome! I love this guy’s honesty. Besides, how bad can and 8 bit fetish be?
I don’t know, have you looked really closely at 8-bit renderings? Everything’s got a lot of corners. It seems like it would be unnecessarily pointy to me.
I’m sure he won’t want to use a condom since they don’t exist in Legend of Zelda and he wants it to be “true to the game”
Maybe I could be Jigglypuff…
Some other fantasies probably also include him dressing as the Dovakiin and banging Lydia in the middle of the woods only for a dragon to appear.
Or perhaps he would like to renact the Lusty Argonian Maid and go a few pages further to when Lifts-her-tail actually starts polishing his “spear”
I’ll be in my bunk… playing Skyrim.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
If he *really* wants to be true to the game, they should cut off their genitals. (Those certainly weren’t programmed…)
Might do us all a favor and see to that anyway…
Only if they’re handmade condoms.
I like the “THEN, if we feel like getting kinky”, cause everything up until that point wont be kinky yet
YES, that was my favorite part! Boffing randos in homemade costumes = another day, another dollar, but if we REALLY want to get wild, bring out the jigglypuffs. (The 8-bit graphic is my fave. Bwahahaha.)
“If we REALLY want to get wild, bring out the jigglypuffs.”
Do you think he’d be up (so to speak) for a 63 year old Zelda? I mean, I sew and vaguely remember how to do the rest. I’ve played the original. In more ways than one.
An experienced, female Zelda who can sew her own costume? I can’t see why he’d say no.
Fucking in the woods isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Can you truly say you’ve lived unless you’ve had poison ivy in your bathing suit area?
I’m guessing yes.
I seem to remember pine needles not being as soft, (and far more pointy) than they look.
Not quite sure why, but I thought you meant Poison Ivy as in the one from Batman. I really need to get my head out of the comic books.
Geez now I want Poisin Ivy in my bathing suit area. Just another thing I never thought I’d say, thanks Regretsy.
But sometimes it’s fuckinng in tents!
Where different levels of light magnify the teeny flies into giant monsters on the walls, the floor bound denizens scurry under whatever happens to be in their path*, and then there’s the in-stereo wet snorts of less romantically engaged creatures as they try to figure out what’s going on inside of Bass Pro Shop’s latest version of the Ziploc Bag. Stellar.
*I felt it moving under my sleeping bag
“fucking in tents”…
I see what you did there.
(And than I giggled like a schoolgirl)
Once, I fucked in the woods, and my boyfriend got like 4000 mosquito bites on his ass. True story.
I’ve been covered in ants on more than one occassion. ^_^
For me, a lack of Ocarina is a real deal breaker.
-Clicks and saves image to my special file of Supremely Excellent Good Stuff-
This is just one of the many reasons I love you forever HK <3
p.s. It’ my birthday today too so it’s extra win ^^
p.p.s. I played the original Zelda in the 80s, triple win!
Is “playing the ocarina of time” a euphemism for fellatio now?
If not before, it is now.
That Zelda-story “recap” has become my favorite thing today. It should find its way onto shirts. Or embroidery, if etsy has a say. Not that it does.
Where he will find a “correctly gendered” jigglypuff? And how would he know???
Don’t jigglypuffs come in both male and female?
*Meanders over to find her old copy of pokemon – the second gen that let you breed*
*realizes that she is really old*
Someone watched the legend of Neil a little to much…..
Oh yeah… the Legend of Neil… I remember watching that, though, the fact that my ex-boyfriend is named Neil makes me not be able to watch that show without thinking about him.
So proud of my hometown right now ^_^ Freaks n’ hippies, the all of ‘em!
I’ve got your hippie right here http://5rr.it/s/lfq5
shameless plug and I’m a douche, but hey, it’s kindalike the title of this post, right?
You’re not a douche, you’re awesome–especially as illustrated by that fabulous video you did for April and us. PERFECTION!
Is it okay that I’m a little turned on by this?
Sex Play with Mario, Luigi and Princess Daisy is hotter…uh, so I’ve heard.
What about Megaman and Protoman boning Splash Woman or Roll?
a little gggrgorilla play with Donkey Kong and Cranky Kong
I’m disappointed by how femsub these all are. Where’s the Sheik x Link dual crossdressing cosfucking?
You know, it just occurred to me, I wonder if he is involved in Alliance (NERO Alliance to be specific)? I know Alliance has a big LARP group in Oregon and where else would they get boffer weapons if he weren’t involved in LARP?
Oh god… well, at least they are not in the LARP which I’m part of…
Amtgard, Dollar Tree and duct tape. THAT’S how. Not that I know personally.
I love you, Eugene.
I love you, Internet.
OMG! I live in Eugene…. Now where are those “lost woods”…..
They were right here a minute ago . . .
I’m a little concerned about my own sanity because it all seemed kind of vaguely close to reasonable nerdy kink. At least until it got to the Jigglypuff part…
I’m only interested if we can work the tri-force in there somewhere.
What about the King from Youtube Poop as well. Maybe he walks in with Jigglypuff asking what’s for dinner only to find them boinking each other and then he laughs heartily and goes “My Boy, this is what all true warriors strive for!”
Meeting strangers in the “lost woods” sounds totally safe.
Not to mention all the STDs they might have. I can’t imagine what type STDs they have in Hyrule
Stalfollis, Herupees, Genital Octoroks, Goronorrhea. And chlamydia.
It seems like Link here wants an awful lot. He wants a hwp. Zelda (read: Olsen twin) with her own handmade costume to go out in the woods and fuck some guy while he watches, then fuck him. And then tell him a story. That’s gonna cost some serious roses right there, but all Link seems to think he has to do is host.
He’s not even a good host, the least he could do is offer them some afterwards!
Something I found got posted on Regretsy! I feel honored and shit. Also, I love Eugene and all it’s freaks and hippies.
It’s weird that this post should reference Skyward Sword, I’m actually in the middle of playing it. (it’s the first Zelda game I’ve ever played) It’s stuff like this that makes me glad nobody cares about my favorite video game characters!
Rule 64. Somebody somewhere on the internet cares for your favorite characters that way.
Unfortunate, but inescapable.
Rule 63 is that there’s a female version of every male character.
63 is my favorite.
I don’t mind Rule 34 that much. And I’m guilty of drawing some questionable stuff myself… but the thought that someone dresses up and role plays as any character to fuck is something else to get used to.
All I can think of is the summer at my sister’s house where I spent a lot of time watching my great-nephew (who was seven) play “Legend of Zelda”, while he explained to me what was going on.
It wasn’t even my childhood, and I still feel like it’s been raped
This is so obviously fake. I was sadly willing to believe it until they insisted that the people involve make their costumes rather than buying them. You’re already asking a lot just to get strangers to go into the woods with you. Alone. And then screw you in this strange scenario. Now they have to spend hours preparing for the privilege?
And anyway, there’s no way Link and Zelda have sex in Ocarina anyway. Not with all the other options for tail he’s got.
If they fall asleep afterwards, does Jigglypuff get to write on their faces with a marker?
Or with something.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one with that thought.
mmm! sexy…and stabby!
Maybe I should make a craigslist ad searching for a Poison Ivy so I can fuck the shit out of her. Of course I really wouldn’t do that because I wouldn’t fuck some random person from the internet.
Please post explicit directions to the Eugene Lost Woods; it’s only an hour’s drive and all I ever find in the ordinary forest down there is birds, shotgun casings and poison oak.
It’s dangerous to go alone!
I knew I wouldn’t be the first one to make this comment, dammit….
Looks like a Father’s Day wish come true!
This thread is probably dead, but I wrote a song about this. This post is specifically mentioned in verse 2 and the outro.
I guess I can’t post it?
Here’s a link if anyone cares.
I dunno, maybe Link cosplay sex would work. I mean, you’d have that little noisy pixie the whole time going “Hey! Hey! Listen!” , and that might make it hard to focus, but said noisy pixie can ALSO help you figure out where certain secret treasures are located IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
that was… so beautiful… laughing so hard i am crying. thank you, HK, thank you…
also, i’m kinda curious how the sword-fighting will work logistically, or does he mean, “sword fighting”…? i just can’t imagine him “happening” upon two people fucking and then waiting for the guy to put his dick away so they can sword fight. seems a bit awkward, if you ask me.
I love this so much. Also, Mistletoe, the idea of Navi yelling, “Hey! listen!” the whole time just about caused me to rupture something with laughter.
So…. Someone is making a sampler of this, right?
This is not even the first time I’ve seen such a Craigslist post. One time my friend came across one that was seeking a person who would join the poster while he played Super Mario Bros. As the poster played Super Mario Bros., he wanted the person to “do stuff in the back.”
This sounds exactly like someone I knew back in college, except you’d have to swap out the Zelda characters for someone dressed as Princess Peach. And, y’know, douse the room with the the heady scent Eau du Desperation.
I think the 8-bit with the “go find the magic boner” is the exact excuse I needed to start cross-stitching again. Delightful.
and then I put on my cloak and wizard hat…
“I know some lost woods outside of Eugene”… well, that seems legit. No way that’s gonna be where they find your body.
But seriously: what the fuckity-fuck?
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