INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE
This post first appeared on Regretsy in June, 2011
THAT’S A LOT OF MONEY FOR SOMETHING YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO USE ONCE
NSFW BONUS: Before and after vaginal rejuvenation gallery
DON’T CLICK IT I’M SERIOUS
No, I’m kidding, it’s actually here
May 19, 2012 at 9:38 am
Not funny, and hymean it!
May 19, 2012 at 9:40 am
More seriously, $6000 for a hymen? I was cheated as a teenager!
May 19, 2012 at 9:42 am
Well, it could be a cottage industry. Spend six grand on a hymen, then charge some skeevy perv 20 grand to pork you ’cause you’re a ‘virgin’.
Or you could just lie since I’m pretty sure skeevy pervs can’t tell a hymen from herpes.
May 19, 2012 at 9:47 am
You perhaps underestimate how familiar skeevy pervs are with herpes.
May 19, 2012 at 9:40 am
Damn you, I had to look and then I read the patient’s testimonials….
“The newly decorated rooms are very nice.”
I am tittering!
May 19, 2012 at 10:01 am
I’m tempted to play “Match the testimonial with the before&after pic”..
I may need lots of booze first, though..
May 19, 2012 at 12:31 pm
It’s the new curtains.
May 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm
I’m wondering how many times she’s used their services that she has seen the complete, before and after of the rooms?
May 19, 2012 at 9:41 am
What cost virginity? $5900. Plus consultation fee.
May 19, 2012 at 10:07 am
What do you think people write in the memo line of that particular check?
May 19, 2012 at 10:18 am
“Bajingo Wash”
May 19, 2012 at 11:13 am
Shit. And to think I gave mine away for free.
May 19, 2012 at 9:42 am
I am SO putting googly eyes on my frou-frou-la-la.
May 19, 2012 at 3:09 pm
I’m vagjazzling my entire cooter with Googly eyes…Hundreds of them in various sizes…then I’m recording the screams from my husband.
May 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm
please, please do this. we would all appreciate it.
May 19, 2012 at 9:32 pm
i think i would pay to see that. yes i am sure i would.
May 19, 2012 at 9:45 am
For half that, I’ll tie a ribbon around your waist and have the Governor cut it with a comically oversized pair of scissors.
May 19, 2012 at 9:50 am
I don’t want to know what you do with the champagne bottle.
May 19, 2012 at 9:57 am
You have to make sure the local high school band is there, too.
May 19, 2012 at 10:36 am
Don’t forget the Shriners in tiny cars.
May 19, 2012 at 10:46 am
Gives a whole new meaning to “Chamber of Commerce” event.
May 19, 2012 at 10:58 am
The “Chamber of Commerce” tag line makes me think of “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Dainty Secrets”.
May 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm
thecreightonberyl, If only the Like button accepted multiple clicks!
May 19, 2012 at 9:45 am
while on principal i think this is ridiculous, i read an article a few months back on how a lot of young women from conservative muslim countries get this surgery before their weddings, to conceal the fact that they aren’t virgins, so they aren’t severely beaten or murdered. so in that case, yeah, i’d pay 6 grand to save my own life.
May 19, 2012 at 9:51 am
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May 19, 2012 at 10:04 am
Not everyone lives in America. I’d fly to New York for surgery if it would save my life.
May 19, 2012 at 10:09 am
in addition to rawrf’s response, even though we have laws for that here, it happens. look it up, since you’re already on the internet. i understand that some women getting this surgery are just vain twats (lol pun), but not all of them.
May 19, 2012 at 11:12 am
Maybe I’m not getting something, but how are these girls getting to New York AND having the surgery without their parents noticing something’s up? It seems impossible to me… Won’t they be risking their lives (possibly more) by taking the chance that their fathers and family may notice they left and got this surgery, and how the hell did they get $6000 (and travel costs)?
I mean, I think women being abused and killed because they aren’t virgins, but I don’t see how this would lower that risk.
May 19, 2012 at 11:53 am
A lot of them are here for college.
May 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Did you ever think that maybe they and their families already live here? Taking up residence in the U.S. doesn’t meant you give up all religious and cultural beliefs, no matter how barbaric (and I’m focusing specifically on “honor crimes” because the woman “shamed” the family and notice the man can never “shame” the family…don’t get me started).
I live in NYC (which includes all five boroughs) and it has happened here. It’s not limited to Muslim countries.
May 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm
@Mugsy – I think my comment still stands if they DO live here. I’m not stupid. The question of how they get to the hospital and home with no one noticing they just got a $6000 bajingo surgery still stands. I’ve had surgeries (although none on my hoo-ha) and I don’t see how the hell you hide it. I also don’t see how a girl that will be beaten if she isn’t a virgin has so much freedom. The same slut shaming and wife beating bullshit went on down here in the south by ‘good christian’ families, and I left it. Fact remains, I had little freedom, and I wouldn’t have had $6000 OR a way to get to the hospital with my family not knowing.
May 19, 2012 at 9:49 pm
The young women who are likely customers for this are generally from wealthy families outside the US, and are here for college. They’re given quite a lot of freedom while they’re here — the families rely on previously cultural conditioning and knowledge of consequences to keep them in line. And then when college is over, they’re expected to go home and fall in line with arranged marriages. They pretty much have to have enough freedom to arrange a “shopping trip” to NYC, and enough money to bury a $6000 charge among a lot of other charges in the same period (discreet billing or not), so it’s definitely a limited market — but there are enough of them to make offering this worthwhile. This isn’t a new thing — I first read an article about it in something like 1983 or 1984.
May 22, 2012 at 9:39 pm
I understand that the client base is largely Middle Eastern and Japanese, and as people have said, affluent, educated girls. I think that in some cases, it’s not fear of being harmed (the Japanese for example), but more a bowing to social requirement (a wife is supposed to be a virgin on her wedding night). I believe that in some cases the girl’s family will pay. In other cases, I imagine they borrow it from a friend, or save it out of clothes allowance. (Yes, that kind of affluent.)
May 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm
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May 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Funny, we all found out you’re incredibly vain and/or dense for free!
It’s a damn shame women feel the need to have this surgery for whatever reason, considering how it shouldn’t fucking matter what your junk looks like. Women don’t all look like porn stars and whoever thinks they should, ought to go masturbate with their lonely tears.
May 20, 2012 at 5:56 am
“Lonely Tears” lube brand. Let’s do this. We’ll make millions!
May 21, 2012 at 1:32 pm
And yet, there are still honor killings even here in America. Imagine that.
May 19, 2012 at 9:51 am
Next week, my students are doing a debate on arranged marriages – one of the news clips we watched was about a call center for Muslim women. A conversation: “It’s your wedding day – you’re not supposed to like it. Just keep praying through it, and it will go by quickly.” Later in the clip, they showed a piece about a girl who was beaten by her family because she had a boyfriend, and then later turned up dead at the request of her father. I was very proud of my students for questioning why in the hell someone would go back to a family like that (especially since I live in a country where domestic abuse is frequent and the police don’t get involved)..
May 19, 2012 at 9:54 am
In a case like that, yes, I can see the “necessity” for such a surgery (though, arguably, I would prefer those women just seek asylum rather than marry someone predicated on a lie, I know that’s not how their world works). And if a woman is raped or abused and she is damaged, I see no problem with this sort of surgery.
But how awful is it that women are SO insecure about their bodies that they feel the need to SURGICALLY ALTER (notice I do not say to “correct”) the NATURAL form of their bodies? Is it that bad? Do men REALLY care if it looks like the porn star or are they just happy to have a warm place to put theirs? I mean, wow… things like this make me ashamed to live in a country where this is a thing.
May 19, 2012 at 10:54 am
Having heard that an acquaintance likened post-baby sex with his wife to “fucking a bowl of warm pudding,” I’d say yeah. Unfortunately it’s a thing here. As a cosmetic whim, I agree that this is ludicrous. But imagine the power that a dickhead remark like that can make on a woman who may or may not be dealing with other post-partum issues. Shit–any woman! If it were me, I’d say, “Hey, give me half your monthly income and the house, and you can go search out all the tight swag you want, bro.” But then I’m a turbobitch, so.
May 19, 2012 at 11:26 am
It’s not just cosmetic in post-baby instances. The woman who was likened to warm pudding probably is having bladder and/or colon issues now because her pelvic floor (vaginal wall) is herniated and her organs are sagging down trying to escape through her vagina. And insurance will typically pay for vaginal reconstruction in these cases, but women are too embarrassed to seek help.
May 19, 2012 at 11:46 am
Oh, totally. It makes me wonder how many OB’s will look at a woman at her 6-week checkup and say, “You know, insurance will cover this if you begin to have problems like chronic incontinence.” I wonder that not out of snarkiness, but because both my kids were surgical births, so I had a whole different set of pp things to deal with.
May 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Or you could just get an OB like the one who attended my first birth (not my regular doctor) and gave me the “happy husband stitch” without my knowledge or consent. I was too tight before and hoped that childbirth would loosen me up a little, but nope. It was even worse afterwards.
May 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm
rushgirl, that’s absolutely appalling. Is there no recourse you can take? Can you report the doctor to state boards? I would be livid, and justifiably so.
May 19, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Rushgirl2112, I’m so sorry you were abused that way. I don’t care if it was a man or a woman doctor (I do not put it past some women), that was malpractice.
Reminds me of the bastard doctor who would surgically move the clitoris to next to the vagina because he believed it would help the woman’s sex life (translation: Want to have more sex with men). I don’t recall any reports of women asking him to do this–he just did it himself.
/very angry rant
May 19, 2012 at 3:24 pm
Actually, it was much worse than what I said above . . . she also did a completely unnecessary episiotomy despite my written instructions NOT to under any circumstances (except for an emergency, which there wasn’t).
She didn’t ask – or even inform – me of that one either. Just sliced through in the middle of a contraction without any pain medication whatsoever. No epidural on board, no local. I didn’t know what that searing pain was until afterwards when my husband told me what he’d seen.
Of course, the episiotomy didn’t prevent (and in fact probably caused) a third-degree tear.
At least she gave me a local before she stitched me up.
And yes, I totally SHOULD have made an issue of it. But it was my first baby, I was exhausted, and I was desperate to see it as a positive experience, so I just put it out of my mind. I know it’s awful, and I wish I’d done something, but it was eight years ago, so too late now.
And Mugsy, holy shit, that’s horrific.
May 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm
I’m so sorry, rush. That’s horrific. I can relate a bit to what you’re saying about being too exhausted to pursue it further, though. I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation. I deal with the consequences every day still. Don’t beat yourself up about it; resources like energy and focus are finite. Surviving is a big enough accomplishment.
May 23, 2012 at 5:30 pm
RushGirl2112 (badass name, by the way), I am so sorry that happened to you. It is disgusting the way some doctors automatically assume they know what’s best for you and just go ahead with it. That is criminal.
Man, and I thought I had it bad when my old-school OB refused to prescribe me any painkillers even though I had horrible tearing thanks to my giant son barreling down my birth canal. It was so bad that the nurse turned to my OB and said casually, “You got a real mess down there.”
May 19, 2012 at 11:27 am
Wow. That’s unbelievable.
DIVORCE COURT AHOY!
May 19, 2012 at 11:44 am
My post-baby reaction to sex was to literally run away screaming, so he’s lucky he’s getting any at all. I’d take the money and the house and toss him a box of pudding mix (forcefully, at his face or crotch).
May 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm
While men need to be tactful in how they express it, I don’t see why they should have to live with non-stimulating sex if something can be done about it.
I expect my partner to care about my degree of enjoyment, so why wouldn’t I care about his?
I mean, if it were a woman not being stimulated enough by sex, wouldn’t you say that she ought to speak up? Why should it be any different for a man?
But again, TACTFULLY. And not too soon postpartum in any event.
May 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Tactfully? Ok. He should be able to enjoy sex with his wife. That’s part of why you’re with someone, I imagine. If he’s not getting ANYTHING out of it – well, she has other orifices, or there are toys, or tongues, or *any number of other options.* But it sounds like he’s not respectful of the fact that she just ripped open her body from the bellybutton down. At that point, he doesn’t deserve pussy.
May 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Well, I certainly agree that it shouldn’t be the first thing on his mind. Postpartum order of priority: baby first, mother second, father last.
May 19, 2012 at 6:32 pm
That’s a very good point, to which I would only add that he should speak to her about it, and her alone. It’s not a conversation to be had with anyone else.
May 19, 2012 at 10:02 am
That’s what I was thinking. You don’t do this for the fun of it. It’s better than being stoned to death the morning after your wedding.
May 19, 2012 at 11:20 am
I would assume that if someone’s husband is willing to beat them because they may or may not bleed like a stuck pig on their wedding night, they’ll find plenty of other reasons to beat them afterwards even if they do.
Then again, I live in a part of the world where (in the rural areas) it’s considered perfectly acceptable for your mother-in-law to undo the wedding and send you home in disgrace if you don’t bleed on your wedding night. So perhaps it could be useful after all …
All I can say for free is that if it’s work $6k, I undersold mine *bad.*
May 19, 2012 at 11:25 am
(And for the record, I’m not in a Muslim country, but rather a very devoutly Christian one. SSDD.)
May 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Does the MIL get to hang the wedding bed sheet out for the village to see? I’ve heard of that barbaric practice.
If the husband is any sort of man and not his mamma’s boy, he’d make sure there was a little bottle of animal blood under the bed–even if the bride did bleed, it would make him look more like a rugged man.
Why the hell am I even thinking about this? I have to get back to work.
May 19, 2012 at 11:11 pm
Smart women brought it themselves.
May 19, 2012 at 11:12 pm
The animal blood, I mean.
May 20, 2012 at 1:28 am
Nah, she doesn’t flaunt it around. That would be weird. (The rest of it, totally legit and logical. But THAT would be weird.)
If she doesn’t bleed, he gets a fresh new wife who isn’t a skank, so everyone wins! Except the poor woman who had the misfortune of riding a bicycle over rocky ground.
May 22, 2012 at 9:45 pm
I once read a novel set in Corsica in the 1930s. The groom’s father ends up punching the groom on his wedding night, because the boy doesn’t want to deflower his bride. (The kid is gay, and not real happy with being shoved into an arranged marriage.
The blood from the bloody nose gets all over the sheets, and the mother-in-law shows them off to the whole village, bragging about how manly her son is.
May 19, 2012 at 3:29 pm
Yeah, that would have been a problem for me on my wedding night when, yes, I was a virgin. No bleeding at all, not until the second or third time. I honestly don’t know how it could have taken that many times to break the hymen, but it did. And my husband wasn’t small at all either!
May 19, 2012 at 7:32 pm
There was an interesting article linked in reddit some time back about the myth of the hymen: i.e. Incomplete hymens are not at all uncommon and it is quite possible to stretch them without bleeding. So we’re potentially talking about paying six grand to ensure the option of marriage night violence for men, regardless of the woman’s sexual history.
May 20, 2012 at 8:12 am
That makes total sense if you think about it. Who here suffered a backup of menstrual blood when they got their first period? Seriously? I’m sure somewhere in the world it has happened at least once, but if the hymen completely covered all vaginal openings, we’d have to undergo some kind of ritualistic “piercing of the veil” ceremony just to make sure we didn’t die of septicemia upon reaching sexual maturity. And wouldn’t that make for a SUPER exciting red tent party??
May 20, 2012 at 10:19 am
fionuir: It’s called an imperforate hymen and it’s not that rare with something like 1-2% of women having it. My best friend had one, and they didn’t realize what was going on until a few months after her first period so yes there were health issues. Obviously she found the whole ordeal pretty traumatizing. I feel like all of these misconceptions about the hymen could be avoided if you know we actually talked about this shit in those useless sex ed classes/at home in this country (no red tents needed!)
May 20, 2012 at 10:55 am
Holy cow–I didn’t realize it was prevalent! Thanks for the info.
Ideally, I think sex ed classes would include at least one parent (I know, because we all have the luxury of time). We’re a pretty “talky” family, but the middle schoolers that I teach are incredibly innocent and naive, and they don’t pay attention in health class because the topics embarrass them.
May 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm
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May 19, 2012 at 6:15 pm
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May 19, 2012 at 11:14 pm
Cheaper, sure! It’s also better to,live in a world without rape, abuse, and without any of the things that can break a hymen naturally, like bicycles, or horseback riding. But you go on assuming all women are horny sluts that can’t control themselves. Thanks!
May 22, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Or even cheaper to stop stigmatizing female sexuality. Imagine that!
May 19, 2012 at 9:46 am
Once it’s done, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle. Or pull the weenie out of the bottle. Or something.
May 19, 2012 at 9:48 am
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May 19, 2012 at 9:56 am
Perhaps I should’ve put what I was going to originally say,
“These are things to show your son to ensure that he is properly afraid of the bajingo until he is safely in his 40′s and permanently housed in your basement.”
May 19, 2012 at 10:14 am
Because if looking at hairy taints freaks you out, you are definitely headed for a life of man-on-man buttsex? There may be a flaw in your reasoning.
May 19, 2012 at 10:17 am
It is possibly a hasty jump to a conclusion..
May 19, 2012 at 9:48 am
I was just in Manhattan, I forgot to stop & ask if they could restore my virginity. Damn it getting old sucks.
May 19, 2012 at 3:09 pm
Damn it, Whimsy, that’s what you get for not buying a VIP tourist passes–”virginity reconstruction” is a special feature!
May 19, 2012 at 3:35 pm
VIP=Virginity In Progress
May 19, 2012 at 9:49 am
The degradation is free!
May 19, 2012 at 9:49 am
Don’t you know that telling us we can view the before & after photos, and saying “DON’T CLICK” is going to make us completely powerless to avoid clicking? Those had to be the ugliest bearded clams I’ve ever seen! Damn you, HKApril!
On a lighter note, I wonder if my HMO will cover it? Hymen, who wouldn’t want the pain of virginal sex more than once?
May 19, 2012 at 9:52 am
The site says that it’s considered elective surgery, so it looks like you’re paying this one out of pocket
May 27, 2012 at 12:28 pm
UNIVERSAL HOOHAH ACCEPTANCE, PEOPLE.
May 19, 2012 at 9:49 am
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May 19, 2012 at 5:06 pm
http://qkme.me/3odwbt
May 19, 2012 at 9:53 am
Huh – I didn’t know that something that is often traded for a four-pack of wine coolers was worth so much money.
May 19, 2012 at 9:57 am
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May 19, 2012 at 9:53 am
What in the hell?! Vaginal rejuvenation? Hymen repair? I am so sad that there are women who’ve bought in to actually thinking they *need* any of these surgeries. All because, as the good doctor says, they might have “irregular” parts. Fuck all that noise.
May 19, 2012 at 9:59 am
If it makes you feel happier about it. There is a surgery for guys to grow back their foreskin that was circumsized when they were babies.
May 19, 2012 at 10:17 am
In the event that one round of genital mutilation wasn’t enough.
May 19, 2012 at 10:14 pm
The foreskin is actually a really useful organ. Prevents keratinisation of the glans and stops it rubbing on clothing and getting irritated. I can see why you’d want some of that function back. However, I really don’t see any reason to get your labia chopped at unless they’re getting tangled in your bike chain.
May 19, 2012 at 11:17 pm
Thumbs up, even if only for the mental image I never thought I’d have…
May 19, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Agreed, but did you look at some of the before pics? Some people seem to actually need the surgery. At least one of them was torn. *disturbing*
May 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Hmmm. I have no issue if this is a medically necessary procedure to repair injury, lessen pain, etc. But I’m not sure I see anything torn in those pics (although disclaimer: I’m not an expert in genitals or anything…just an owner of some myself). What I see in the before pics is simply normal variation in female bodies. Yay for bajingo diversity!
May 19, 2012 at 4:36 pm
What about the 2nd set on the labiaplasty page? I was assuming that was a tear.
May 22, 2012 at 9:49 pm
Hell, there was a piece going around a while ago about some moron surgeon who was specializing in making young girl’s clitorises smaller, selling this to the parents as very important–because God forbid they should grow up and have a big clit.
My theory: vaginal surgery should ONLY be for fixing stuff that makes sex or peeing less fun or possible.
May 19, 2012 at 9:54 am
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May 19, 2012 at 10:02 am
Don’t try to bring this back around to the female body hair discussion. It will not end well.
May 19, 2012 at 10:08 am
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May 19, 2012 at 10:09 am
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May 19, 2012 at 10:37 am
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May 19, 2012 at 10:42 am
Being a gay man that enjoys buttsex, I enjoy a tidy goatze.
May 19, 2012 at 10:38 am
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May 19, 2012 at 11:05 am
I’m hoping for a flounce!
May 19, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Ask, and ye shall receive.
May 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Oh, I’ve heard of it. I just don’t see the point, because I have no problem with hair there, and I’m not going to all that effort to attract a man who might not like it otherwise. Screw that.
I don’t like the shaved look for myself, and by happy coincidence my boyfriend doesn’t like it either, so frankly I don’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks.
And neither should women who feel better without hair or who have partners with a preference they don’t mind accommodating. I say do what makes you feel good, and to hell with what anyone else thinks.
May 19, 2012 at 11:20 pm
I’m too lazy to shave my legs most weeks, and since my husband doesn’t care, why should I?
May 20, 2012 at 12:09 am
I’m a big fan of variety. I’ll let my hair grow out, get as bushy as it possibly can, then shave it off. Makes for good contrast. My boyfriend finds it ridiculous how the younger generation of young adults feel this pressure to always be immaculately hairless. One example being guys who will ask about how to force their women to shave on reddit.
May 19, 2012 at 9:55 am
I wonder if they throw in a sample of My New Pink Button with your recovery package?
May 19, 2012 at 9:56 am
because i’m DISGUSTING, i’m wondering, can they put a hymen in anywhere? like, get one sewn in between your thumb and index finger and take you hand jobs to a whole new level?
May 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Now that’s some thinking outside the box right there.
May 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I see what you did there.
May 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm
17. SheleetaHam: again wishing the Like button accepted multiple clicks!
May 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm
so glad you enjoy my perverse mind.
*tips hat jauntily*
May 19, 2012 at 10:03 am
There’s something about this – just quite put my finger on it…
May 19, 2012 at 10:10 am
…and if you did put your finger on it, it would go away.
May 19, 2012 at 11:03 am
uhm, yeah. I’d like to keep all of my fingers. Thanks for the warning!
May 19, 2012 at 10:04 am
When I lost my virginty I bleed enough to make any Muslim father proud, but I sure wouldn’t want to to it again.
May 19, 2012 at 10:17 am
I am curious as to why the one vag in the before/after photos is glistening like that.
May 19, 2012 at 10:19 am
Glitter Tear Crying Vag..
May 19, 2012 at 10:50 am
It is isn’t glistening, it’s shimmering, because that is the vag of one Edward Cullen.
May 19, 2012 at 10:22 am
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May 19, 2012 at 10:49 am
Shaved beef?
I’m thinking Arbys!
May 19, 2012 at 11:46 am
Actually, Arby’s only serves up fingertips in their sandwiches.
http://www.usnews.com/news/us/articles/2012/05/17/michigan-boy-finds-finger-piece-in-arbys-sandwich
Also, I’m surprised it took 21 comments before “beef curtain” was used.
May 19, 2012 at 10:26 am
Turn your musty old meat curtains into dainty little meat valances. Très chic!
May 19, 2012 at 10:38 am
I am boggled by all the share buttons on those pages… “Hey Facebook friends, I’m thinking about becoming a virgin again”
May 19, 2012 at 11:36 am
I’m hoping it’s being shared like it was here, as a way of saying, “what the…..?”
May 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Or, to quote Petja, “Cunt, what the shit?”
May 19, 2012 at 10:40 am
I think anyone who knows how to make a bed with Army corners can probably take care of their own flappy labia and save $6000 and anyone with some Everclear can do a virgin fake-out.
Problems solved.
May 19, 2012 at 10:56 am
I think every woman should be happy with the way their body is, and if they choose to change it it should be purely for their own reasons and not by pressure of an outside entity!
That being said, the first one in the Labiaplasty gallery looks like some sort of river creature that will attach to you and drink your blood.
May 19, 2012 at 11:05 am
I’ll take your word for it cus’ I’m too scared to go back and check.
May 19, 2012 at 11:52 am
Add a pair of Jams and the third one looks like Patrick Starfish.
May 19, 2012 at 11:04 am
At a wedding rehearsal dinner, after too many Tanqueray & tonics, I jocularly announced that the mussels in the (really nummy) seafood pasta platter “looked like little vaginas” … I think every fork stopped in mid-air as people contemplated their shellfish. It was priceless and worth every shocked glare.
At the same time, I can’t believe I am the only one who’s ever thought that.
May 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm
You’re not. I mentioned it on a first date once. It was too much for the guy, his loss! Mussels totally look like little cooters. Delicious little cooters.
May 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm
I think that’s a GREAT test for a first date.
In fact, the next time I go on one, if they’re on the menu, they’re gonna be a go-to dish.
It’s certainly one way to find out what kind of guy he is in a hurry … heh.
May 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Because I never think things through,I used a mussel to explain to my preteen daughter the parts, function and purpose of the external female genitalia. She pondered the discussion, and said to me am I supposed to eat this now?
May 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm
“Oh, honey … you don’t have to eat it, but it’s okay if you do. Your father and I will love you no matter what!”
May 19, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Canti, I want to go to social events with you. You are wickedly fun (and Tanquery & tonics on me!).
May 19, 2012 at 11:08 am
I wonder if they offer a discount if you give them permission to post your before and after shots.
May 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Doubt it. I had an orthodontic procedure that my dentist told me “healed the prettiest of all the ones he’d ever done.” Put my photo in his brochure – just my gaping mouth before/after shots, not my face. All I got was gratitude and a free toothbrush. ::grumble::
May 19, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Probably a manual toothbrush, too, right? Not even a nice battery-operated or electric one.
May 19, 2012 at 11:33 am
alright. I can’t thumbs up or down thecreightonberyl, monkey33, babosuperhero, tallandgassy, and sheleetaham.
clearly this means they’ve hacked my computer and are using it to post to regretsy.
May 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm
Quick! Get yourself a dainty knitted tinfoil hat!
May 19, 2012 at 11:33 am
I read the pages for the different procedures and now I want to punch a face and take a shower. They pretty much say “Your man notices and he’s unhappy; he just won’t admit it. Oh and btw, Kegels won’t help.” They say many women get insecure about their ladybits due to porn, and then, with a straight face, claim they’ll “restore” things for a more “natural” appearance.Â
The thing that bothers me the most, though, is that you can schedule your initial consultation and your surgery *for the same day.* I’ve had a lot of experience being a patient, and I wouldn’t schedule something relatively simple like a cortisone injection without first meeting the doctor, having a thorough consultation, and giving myself plenty of time to research and weigh what they’ve told me on my own. Am I overreacting here?!
May 19, 2012 at 11:52 am
Don’t forget, one could also bleach their anus.
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/advice/health/anal-bleaching-trend
May 19, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Notice how the women are insecure because of the porn their partners compare them to–or they just feel insecure themselves…yet not one of those women will look at their partner’s penis and say, “You know, you don’t look anything like that guy I saw in the video we watched last night. Plan on doing anything about it?”
May 20, 2012 at 1:33 am
This is why amateur internet pornography will save society: EVERYONE jiggles and parts and falls off the bed sometimes! And/or has wibbly lady bits.
May 19, 2012 at 5:27 pm
I wonder if this quick turn-around is available for the reason above – women are doing this for cultural or religious reasons, and don’t have the time to leave a week between the initial consult and surgery. They have to get back to their homes as soon as they can.
May 19, 2012 at 9:57 pm
At least for the hymen reconstruction, moving quickly may be a necessity. It’s a secretive sort of thing, and she probably has to pack everything into a week or less, so if she’s going to have any time for recuperation between the surgery and the post-op followup visit, the surgery really does have to come pretty much right on top of the initial consultation. And she’s pretty much decided in advance that she’s definitely going through with it anyway — if having an intact hymen was an optional thing, she wouldn’t even be looking at this in the first place.
May 19, 2012 at 11:37 am
fuck me…fuck you! you KNEW i had to click it. more brain scar tissue…but great use of googley eyes!
May 19, 2012 at 11:51 am
You have to pay THEM $200 to look at your vagina? What a racket.
May 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm
I am still as amused today as I was a year ago by the fact that the Vaginaplasty doctor has a clam up in the upper right-hand corner.
May 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm
I thought that was a toilet seat and cover. Now it makes sense.
May 19, 2012 at 12:10 pm
I now have the Drawn Together La-La-La-La-Labia song in my head.
May 19, 2012 at 12:13 pm
It is bad that I think some of the “before” pictures are cuter than the “afters”?
May 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm
If it’s bad, then we’re bad together.
My philosophy is, it’s your bits – do what you want with them. But this just seems so superficial and pointless. If you’re going to lay out that kind of cash on something to change the appearance of your bajingo, why not get some cool piercings or other body art?
May 20, 2012 at 12:21 am
I think the second before picture is somewhat endearing… the way the labia has long thin strips is so unique.
May 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm
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May 19, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Though I am jaded about human intelligence, even I am shocked anyone would allow their pics to be taken…and posted on a website.
I’d be embarrassed, even if they are de-identified. 4.17 billion Internet users looking at your pre-surgical junk pics and saying, “ewwwwwwwwww!” Hmm. No.
May 19, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Off topic, April just mentioned masturbating dinosaurs on NPR’s “Destination DIY” radio show. To the podcasts!
May 19, 2012 at 12:21 pm
It’s kind of bad since well… I was born without much of a hymen to begin with… it’s kind of sad.
Maybe with this surgery, I’ll finally be able to experience what like is like with a hymen.
May 19, 2012 at 12:25 pm
I don’t know what like is like with a hymen, but sex tends to be painful with one!
May 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm
I’m having trouble finding enough snark for this because it’s distressing that some women still think their only value is their virginity.
May 21, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Actually, in some cultures, it more the men who think women are only vaulable for their virginity, in terms of a dowery, and after they’re married, in terms of how many sons they can give them.
May 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Dr Blatt, the bajingo remodeler, and his team, may be compassionate, kind, have great bedside manner ( as stated in the description at the site). In the case of women with *damaged* lady bits, or who live in societies where lack of “chastity” can be a death sentence, Great! Fix what’s not OK. But otherwise, he doesn’t OWN any one of the parts himself, and he’s preying on culturally conditioned female insecurity and vanity. Thumbs down Dr Blatt. Don’t think he’s doing pro bono surgery on frightened Muslim girls …
May 19, 2012 at 10:04 pm
He probably IS doing it pro bono for the frightened girls and that’s why it’s $6000 for the vanity rejuvenation.
I have to keep telling myself that or I’ll get violent.
May 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm
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May 20, 2012 at 12:05 am
Oh for Christ’s sake, get a grip, they’re only vaginas.
May 20, 2012 at 12:25 am
You certainly sound like you’ve got a lot of hate for vaginas. This is unfortunate.
May 20, 2012 at 11:58 am
I love vaginas! Especially mine.
May 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm
A very old pseudo medical book I read indicated that the appearance of virginity could be achieved by: 1) candling pigeon eggs until you located one of about three days post fertilization 2) carefully chipping the shell off being careful to keep the membrane intact 3) feigning shyness and leaving the bedchamber 3) inserting the unshelled pigeon egg 4) returning to your husband and lying back in acceptance of he act about to occur.
May 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm
And here I was thinking ketchup was the way to go.
May 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I do not understand at all maiden cult.
If you take a taxi, do you wish that the driver has to drive the first time?
If you go to the dentist, is it a good thing if he has not been drilled in the past?
If you want to contact lenses, so do you wish to be an optician for the first time errand?
May 19, 2012 at 2:56 pm
I grew up in it; hell, I was a virgin till my wedding night. Now that I’m out of that atmosphere–and I’m WAY out of it–I don’t understand it any more than you do, Petja.
May 19, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Same here.
If I had it to do over again, I would have had sex with my boyfriend when he turned 18 (I was 20 then). We had insane, amazing chemistry, and I always imagined it would have been incredible. But no, I waited until I got married to someone else at 25 and only then discovered that we weren’t very sexually compatible.
At least I got a second chance with the old boyfriend after my divorce. And yeah, it’s even more incredible than I’d imagined.
May 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm
Yay for “more incredible than [you'd] imagined”!!!
May 22, 2012 at 7:48 pm
I just figured I’d never buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first. But then came the internet, and well, you can still send them back after you try them on and get a refund.
May 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Petja, it’s from a male-oriented society, where they are scared that a woman who has been with another man might not be happy with the husband she’s chained to, especially if he’s bad in bed. If she’s a virgin, it’s believed that she has no sexual experience (ha!) or education and therefore will not know how bad her husband is.
Especially if he has a small penis (and a bad attitude because of it).
There IS a practical (money) reason for it, however–a virgin means that there can be no children who are not the husband’s, therefore no children but his will have claim to his property and land.
May 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm
I lived my whole life wanting to wait until marriage for sex. Then I started learning about sex and sexuality. In my humble opinion, it’s dumb that we’re encouraged to know as much about our partners before marriage as possible… except what they’re like during sex.
And sex is so friggin’ important! That shit is awesome. So glad I waited until I was ready, so glad I didn’t wait until marriage.
May 21, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Like I told my 2nd oldest niece- have fun, but don’t get yourself into a position where you get into more trouble than you can handle.
She laughed and said she had condoms.}:P
May 19, 2012 at 4:55 pm
I did have lots of sex before I got married and I still wish I’d have done it more. Learn ALL the things!
May 20, 2012 at 8:57 am
It’s about fetishizing violation. We do not, in this culture, routinely fetishize violating health care professionals and taxi drivers.
Well, unless they’re women.
May 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Is it just me, or do most of the before vaginas look like they are sticking their tongues out?
May 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm
The hymen surgery is just crazy ridiculous. I can’t decide which is worse: The fact that people out there still have such ridiculous and oppressive rules for women or that companies are capitalizing on the insane sexism.
What if you can’t afford that? Do you use some chewed gum or something?
May 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Because a woman’s worth is determined by the state of her hymen! *eyeroll*
I’ve met people who seriously believe that the state of your hymen determines your virginity.
May 19, 2012 at 4:30 pm
And no one in that group will believe that the hymen can stretch without breaking.
May 19, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Exactly! And it’s already perforated anyway. You don’t have to tear the hymen to have sex.
May 19, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I read somewhere recently that, with women now being involved in athletics as much as they are, the chances are very good that by the time they marry, the hymen will be pretty much gone. Hell, I was actually a virgin on my wedding night, but I’d been a terrific tomboy most of my life. So yeah, it pinched, and hurt a little, but it wasn’t agonizing pain.
Plus, as LexieDie said, the hymen is already perforated. How do you think women have periods? There’s got to be an opening for the blood to come out.
May 19, 2012 at 1:49 pm
I don’t, I just, WTF?! Frankly, if you’re doing it to repair yourself because of multiple child births, or you have had damage and it makes you feel better or enhances your sex life then yeah, I get it. But just because your partner thinks you look weird? Or *he* thinks you’re not “tight enough”? Or you have to prove yourself to be a virgin? Screw that.
May 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm
Do your labia hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Does anyone really give a shit?
They’re labia, for heaven’s sake.
Love them and leave them alone.
May 19, 2012 at 3:22 pm
*great big hugs for Laleela!*
May 19, 2012 at 3:46 pm
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May 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm
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May 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Well, considering armpit hair and pubic hair are very similar in terms of growth, texture, the fact that they both have an actual purpose and are both shaved/waxed away anyway, etc.
I just honestly do not understand how, when it comes to pubic hair, “it should be the woman’s choice” and should not be judged, etc.
But armpit hair is 100% judge-able. I mean, I have issues with body hair in general and therefore am pretty much hairless everywhere except my head and my arms, but I don’t understand how one type of body hair is preferred over the other.
May 22, 2012 at 7:52 pm
Speaking strictly for myself, I do not regularly show my unshaven cooter in public. However, I own several tank tops, and my armpits are on display several times a week when it’s hot outside.
May 22, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Yes, it’s the ‘should’. That’s like saying women ‘should’ pierce their ears, or ‘should’ wear their hair short, or ‘should’ wear lipstick.
These are optional matters. No one, except you and your intimate partners, care what your aesthetic taste in the matter is. And people showing up acting like there’s some kind of urgent, obvious reason you have to shave anything, because it’s sooo groooss if you don’t, look like idiots.
May 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm
What the heck?! I don’t know about other ladies, but my goal is for my labia to get big enough for me to slap my boyfriend in the face with it during sex. Heck… yes…
But seriously… what’s up with this “my vagina’s not pretty enough” bull. It’s a vagina. It’s awesome, period. Just like boobies.
May 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm
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May 19, 2012 at 4:57 pm
I don’t remember ever having a hymen, much less the bloody breaking of it that you hear about. I do know that sometimes other lady parts still tear open after a vigorous session, and then some blood is had. I would NEVER try and make it smaller!! O_O
May 19, 2012 at 5:54 pm
I don’t recall having a hymen, either. When I first had sex, there was no popping or breaking or anything for me either.
May 23, 2012 at 5:37 pm
Me either, LexieDi. I don’t know if it was from using tampons or what but there was no blood whatsoever. It wasn’t really a big deal.
May 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Okay, if something about your labia or vagina is causing you discomfort and you want it fixed, by all means. Repairing damages from childbirth or some other trauma? Absolutely. You’re a wealthy Muslim girl, you’ve been in the US at college, you’ve had sex, and now it’s time to go home and you’re going to go to NYC for a “shopping trip” and get your hymen put back in place before you go back and go through with the marriage your family has arranged? Yeah, okay, I guess with the way the US is about visas these days, telling them to fuck off and staying here isn’t necessarily an option you can plan on, so maybe that’s a pretty good idea.
But for cosmetic reasons? Girl. If you’re with a man who’s not happy being with you because he doesn’t like the way your vagina looks, you need to change the man, not the vagina. I guarantee you, somewhere out there is a man who’d be happy to look at (touch, taste, whatever!) your vagina all day long, just as it is.
May 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Although I don’t doubt some women would do this because they strive to have the “perfect” porn star twat to please their chauvinistic pig husbands, there is in some cases a need to do this type of surgery.
I was on a website years ago where this topic was being discussed and a woman was promoting this surgery because after having kids, when she would have sex with her husband (who didn’t care what her bajingo looked like) the “curtains” would get dragged inside causing much pain and a sad sexy time.
May 19, 2012 at 6:29 pm
So wait- googly eyes on your vagina isn’t normal? Oh crap, anybody got the number of a good vaginal surgeon?
May 19, 2012 at 7:29 pm
After a year of thinking this over and reviewing the photo galleries, I STILL prefer the BEFORE pictures without exception.
If I ever was face-to- … ehhh…. I’d be happier with someone unique. And we can use the $6000 bucks for something really important, like Sculpy.
May 19, 2012 at 8:11 pm
Does anyone else think that the VERY BLUE EYES of the girl in the masthead look creepy? Like Changeling Sorceress from Another Planet creepy?
May 19, 2012 at 9:17 pm
For anyone interested: If I ever get surgery because my labia isn’t pretty enough, you have permission to kill me and use my bank account for something more worth while to humanity.
May 19, 2012 at 9:43 pm
Did anyone else think that the googly eyed before and after looked like these guys?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTc3PsW5ghQ&ob=av3e
June 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm
I knew before I clicked what the link was gonna be. Those things always scared the hell out of me. And yet, I clicked anyway. I blame Regretsy.
May 20, 2012 at 3:41 am
Coming out of my lurker state just to say this (sorry that is not funny! I am good at laughing at jokes, just not at funny comments)…
Let us not be overly harsh with women who go through labiaplasty. A close friend, single and with many suitors, had one. She was, like many who accept the financial, physical and emotional burden of cosmetic surgery, tormented with negative thoughts about all parts of her (gorgeous) body.
I do not believe the wording of the ad necessarily reflects the motivations of all women who would elect the procedure. Not all are submitting to a man’s wish or superficial twats.
Maybe those of us who feel good about their body should not so quickly judge those who don’t? My friend did this because she was in great emotional pain.
The physical pain that these women accept, to me, is just a very sad reflexion of the depth of the hatred that they have for their body. The procedure is nothing short of horrific and I mostly feel sorry for them.
May 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm
So, I’ve got a unique “situation” going on… It’s a very puffy venus mons. I never really realized that it was different, just that the other girls had skinny bajingos. Then I watched an episode of MTV’s True Life: I’m Liposuctioning My Vagina. This girl had an absolute twin of my vajay, and she was getting it lipo’ed. I went through a range of emotions, from “Holy shit, my stuff is messed up!” to, “She’s a total idiot.” My husband very sweetly told me to get my head out of my vagina, and then sang me a cunt love ballad. From then on, I began to truly appreciate how special my fat coochie was.
May 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Obviously, we need a lyrical transcription of this cunt love ball–
Oh wait, I think I know what you mean now. =p
May 22, 2012 at 3:39 pm
May 22, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Sorry, here’s the “clean” version – I imagine still NSFW:
