Yes!
I thought you were going to project the cuff in space like Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the backs of Helen and Bronc’s heads.
Who knew Etsy descriptions could have such entertainment value?
I’d like to know how a slave afforded gold and rubies. These things were not magically more plentiful in olden days; they were still expensive and a lot harder & more dangerous to find and mine, which is why they were used on rich people’s things and you don’t find them in peasant shacks. So I’m hesitant to believe some ‘noble’ fuckwit plastered a slave in easily stolen/bartered riches just because he or she was good at *ahem* fulfilling their duties.
You don’t let the maid use a Bentley with your name on the plates as their personal car just to show off how rich you are. Granted, though, there’s always that one idiot who would.
I’d throw roses at your feet, Madam, for the stunning performance. If only it were for a bracelet that did not look like King Midas took a dump after eating too many bowls of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries cereal!
“Pave of diamonds”… sounds like something you spread on a Clubhouse cracker at a fancy party. Also, Helen, I especially liked the little bit of Clarabelle you threw in on “OOOH LA”!
How much would it cost me to get you to record a couple of paragraphs for me? It would mostly be telling my husband to stop flicking his boogers on the wall. And how much more I could love him if he stopped.
I think he would listen to you.
I smell a really great charity drive here. Pay $100, you get a sentence read by April. $500 brings you a paragraph. All for some kind of really good cause.
Of course, most of you would just ask her to read a bunch of smut. (Who am I kidding, so would I.)
I like this, and I’m not sure how good the price is, when I can not get to see it for yourself.
Intaglio is probably Afghanistan
or Tibet. Rubies are opaque, but not the worst quality, craftsmanship is barbaric, but my wife would be suitable, for example.
Diamonds claws do not fit into this, they spoil the whole, it would have been better used, for example-Braid stocking. If you use the diamonds, worse, but larger. This would be preferable.
I can understand the author’s idea, but the sense of style is not quite the best.
At the right price then also affect the weight of an object, so this is hard to say anything.
Barbaric is an apt description. Can’t say I like it myself.
Should of just stuck with bezels not that the bezels are better. It looks like someone jammed the stones in the same way you would put on a shoe in a hurry. You end up with the heel of your sneaker in the shoe instead of wearing it.
Whats with that weird fourth wire prong on the rubies?
More generally, people think of rubies sparkle and glow bright red.
They are really rare in nature.
Most of the precious stone is of poor quality.
Rubies are a lot of dull, opaque, striped, black, red, and they are not very expensive.
The same with the diamonds.
I have sometimes had some great stones, diamond are now worth a few euros a yellowish-brown crystals.
Okay, you’ve got Indian rubies, Persian intaglio, Italian yellow gold, and, correct me if I’m wrong, but Lady Rotherwick of Cornbury sounds pretty darn English to me, all swaddled in pretension.
It’s like an ad for United Salve Cuffs of Benetton.
Oh this is my favorite. This is my favorite ever. Please more Regretsy Theatre!
It is not often that I sit down with my boyfriend and make him read/partake in Regretsy, but so far every time there is a Regretsy Theatre post, I do. It is hilariously the best thing to have ever existed on the internet.
It’s my favorite workday indulgence. A sort of mental coffee break, if you will. Of course, I can only visit when my boss is out of the office (which we share. Ugh).
If I do not remember wrong, Most Honourable Baroness Rotherwick of Cornbury is an American and a family of second home is in New York.
What strikes me as strange that the Honourable Lady has chosen sales channel for Etsy. Could arise under the suspicion that the Cayzer family has serious financial problems.
I would have been able to handle that kind of sales in comfort and style, without the embarrassing publicity, the Commission reasonable.
Royal not, but aristocrat.
Great Britain’s nobility is divided into several categories.
The upper class of “Most Honourable”, ie the peerage, the barons, varakreivit, marquise, and Dukes. Sittten, for example, counts are divided into British, English, Scottish and Irish Earls. These are aristocrats. They have got his title for services to the crown. Earl, except that the Count Scotland, where the title of an old one.
The lower nobility and knights baronet. They are in front of the first name “SIR” or “Lady” or “Dame”
Then there is the third class below them, Gentry, which has no official status, they own the land, with or without title, but they are not “Sir” or “Most Honourable,” but only a baron, or lord of this or that.
Often the value of their names are older than the Kingdom.
Titles are not as rare in Europe.
My person is close to the princess. The kingdom has long since disappeared, but the title remains.
I was visiting my son once a visit to
and there were three visiting prince.
Some at the dinner 25 years ago, I and one guy we were the only men who had not the baron, a count or baron’s son.
With just a few of your relatives is a lower-level titles, and a few, which is an old and historic title, do not use it.
Ok..Of topic from the FAB theatrical performance. so I found this same cuff (AND DESCRIPTION! The craftardness is NOT limited to etsy) on another website , and is it just me, or does it look like this cuff is a cheap knock off of the original. I actually have some 18k gold from living overseas, and I’m sorry but this one looks brass to me. The original looks right and is made with diamonds and antique stones but either way… 20K?!?… Dafug you say.
Interesting how “go Pagan” was removed and rewritten for Etsy. For all their flower-child overdosing, I’d have thought it would be a relatively safe site for being openly Pagan (as opposed to a Jesus-heavy environment where even mentioning Halloween incites an angry mob and hate mail for months.) We’ve certainly seen a plethora of “earth goddess” fuckery before.
I’m glad to know this isn’t actually an antique, though. If the stones and metal are genuine- and I had $20K not doing anything else- I wouldn’t have to feel bad about removing the stones and melting the rest down into something that’s not so Flintstones-y and ugly. An inedible candy bar with ruby ‘almonds’ would be better use of the gold than this.
Here’s something interesting. She has a website where she also sells these fine pieces. And on this site, it say’s that this particular cuff has been sold.
I just can’t help myself reading that ludicrous title as “LADY ROTHERWICK’S CORNHOLE CUFF”… why does everything on Regretsy somehow eventually lead back to goatse?
It’s actually Federal law. Title 69 of the USC (from Public law 99-284) establishes the National Bureau of Goatse (BOG), and requires that all “primary sources of comedy” (thus excluding Carlos Mencia) be traceable back to humor calibration standards maintained by BOG.
It’s no stretch to say that Goatse is open to everyone.
Depends what kind of slavery are you referring to. There’s the historical kind and the kinky kind. either way etsy have plenty of items that feature both themes
Yeah, I’ve worked with a lot of precious metals in my day and that ain’t gold. The defining characteristic of gold is that it doesn’t tarnish in any way, so it will always look bright, shiny and golden. That looks like a lump of brass.
I think it looks kinda like plastic. I work in a nonprofit theatre, and some of the props we’re using for our new play (opens this weekend!) look an awful lot like this.
I worked in the past for a company that made jewelry whose designs were found in the tomb. In some models, it is possible to make “old gold”, so that the surface is brushed broken, then kullataan another shade with gold, and then refined. Really old gold does not appear, but you may want one.
Then the surface looks a bit mottled.
It is possible to do, then even if the surface brushing, hiekkapakotus or other surface treatment.
Then there are national differences.
The Russians want to be another golden hues, such as the Italians. The Finns in between.
In Russian articles, for example, is often a mixture of 585 gold, 330 silver and 85 copper.
Finnish 585 gold, copper, 207.5, and the same amount of silver.
In Italy, 585 gold, 400, 15 of copper and silver.
Each gives a mixture of different tint.
But the fashions vary.
Gold surface gloss can be influenced in several ways. I have seen a great object, a first method, sand-opaque, then the polished regions of the raised, resulting in a strong three-dimensional feeling.
Then the second thing is that the pieces are really demanding to be described.
A shiny appearance because of light must be complete and correct color, so that the surface looks good.
When the self-image of jewelry, I picture them in sunlight, but in the shade, when I do not have good artificial lighting.
That worries me here is the award-barbarism.
In reality, such an unfortunate end result, does not object barbaric, but many of the right example germaani or skythian object was a really great quality crafts.
Precious stone is ugly, the quality of stones, one that would not be used for gold. Perhaps the silver.
Such surface could be a possible but not probable.
Look at me and my wife’s wedding rings.
They are barbaric, but they are made with care, 990 per thousand, and forged in gold, stones planted in a credible manner.
Ah, I am a hobbiest also, but in low-end beads and mineral collecting. I knew gold was made in different mixtures but didn’t realize different countries liked so much variety.
And I do not like her placement of the stones. It’s too random. There is no order or symmetry in the placement. It looks like a small child put the stones in place.
so did i….zzzzzzzzzz
not to be rude but…(this where ya jus’ gotta know i’m gonna be!)…i actually came here for a laugh but the history slash silversmith slash jewelry lessons are kinda suckin’ the fun outta my comedy high. we all get it!!! you’re really really smart, petja
There’s always been varying taste internationally in gold. India and places in Africa for example prefer 24 carrot gold. Americans seem to like their gold mixed heavily and pale. I guess because it’s cost effective yet still a mark of status.
It has something to do, at the broadest sense, with the social and financial significance of jewelry, and how it is worn and used.
The only piece of gold I own is my wedding ring, and I don’t think I’m unusual among American women in this. It’s lower-carat, and pale, which looks right to my American eyes, it also makes it sturdy enough to be worn for decades constantly, which very pure, soft gold wouldn’t be.
We bank our money, we don’t buy gold. Even the First Lady wears fake pearls. Costume pieces are considered perfectly respectable. The one area where this might be somewhat untrue is in terms of diamonds for engagement jewelry.
In India or lots of places in Africa, women wear the family bank account, or their own, and pieces of jewelry are far more fungible with the weight of the metal. Gold and silver may be melted down and turned into new pieces, rather than handed down as heirlooms. This makes a huge difference in how important high-carat gold is.
At one point I started imagining it as RuPaul doing Vivian Pickles (Harold’s mother) in Harold & Maude … (“Well! That cost quite a bit of influence et d’argent to hush up, I can tell you!”)
NO, NO SHE CAN’T, BECAUSE SHE’S SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF FINELY DESIGNED AND CRAFTED FUCKERY AND NOW I HAVE A HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS INTERNET SHOUTING.
Two cuffs and a ring cost less than $50,000. She even includes free shipping! Give me a few years’ salary in advance, so I can take advantage of these prices now! I will gladly move my family out onto the street and eat dumpster findings for two or three y
That ain’t intaglio, that’s just carved. Intaglio is incredibly detailed mosaic pictures, usually done with wood. And there’s “pave” in there. Sort of. I don’t think two itty bitty diamonds per “leaf” prong counts as a true pave setting.
As for the “gold”, it looks like bronze to me. The bezel settings around the carved carnelians are horrible. However, I like the look of the settings on those rubies. I just don’t think mixing bezels and prongs really works together.
Annoys me that people can sell this stuff for $20k when I have a hard time selling my genuinely hand-made sterling silver jewelry for $20.
Also, those horrid bezels around the carnelians are just cups. The stones look like they’re glued in and would fall out. The edges of the “gold” don’t curl over the stones in any way.
Actually, those stones *are* intaglios, though not very fine ones. I think you’re thinking of marquetry and wood inlay, not intaglio, which is a reverse cameo. From the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of “intaglio”: “b. The process or art of carving or engraving in a hard material; incised carving as opposed to carving in relief; the condition or fact of being incised. Chiefly in phrase in intaglio, as opposed to in rilievo or in relief. Also fig.” and see def. 2a: “Anything ornamented with incised work; esp. a precious stone having a figure or design cut on its surface, an incised gem. Opposed to cameo.”
Huh. I think you’re right. My mom was signed up for an intaglio class and they wanted her to get woodworking tools and wood, so someone’s confused about what the definition is. I was going off of that. Thanks for the correction!
I love you April!! You are so fucking talented. OMG! When you talk it’s like your singing a beautiful song… Unfuckingbelivable how majorly AWESOME you really are! WOW!!
I LIVE for “Regretsy Theater” and am now frightened by the thought of imposing “RED LIPSTICK”! “It’s a must” was also voiced perfectly! TY SO MUCH for “Regretsy Theater”!
I’ve got a friend in Germany who’s in training to be a goldsmith. And by training, I mean she creates the molds by herself, melts and pours the gold, sets the stones…
I sent her a picture of this, and she said if she ever turned out something this fugly, the guy she’s apprenticing with would make her melt the whole thing and do it over till she got it right.
Such talent for taking fairly pretty artifacts and turning them into seriously ugly! Usually, costume jewelry imitates the real thing; here, we have more-or-less real imitating costume jewelry, the kind that is sold at accessory and cosmetic parties. Amazing! Regretsy Theater, on the other hand, is genuine, 100% solid gold.
Welll now that I’ve read this with Aprils voice in the background it’s not nearly as painful. Now what about her profile. That might be a nightmare to narrate.
Amurana, I was having the same problem. For some time I was actually a full FJL, emphasis on the J, because I seemed to be the only one who couldn’t hear(t) Regretsy Thea-tah.
Make sure you don’t have a Flashblock program installed (and if you do, add Regretsy to your “whitelist”–that cleared up the problem for me).
Because it’s Etsy. I came across a listing the other day for something claiming to be OOAK. Then under the price it said “2 available”. Apparently “one of a kind” means “I only list one of these in my shop at a time.”
May 18, 2012 at 11:17 am
I love Regretsy Theatre! Please do lots more of these!
May 18, 2012 at 11:33 am
Yes!
I thought you were going to project the cuff in space like Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the backs of Helen and Bronc’s heads.
Who knew Etsy descriptions could have such entertainment value?
May 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm
A MST3K: Regretsy Style needs to happen. Does Etsy have a Youtube channel? If they do, there’s bound to be some good riffs just waiting to be made.
May 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm
“…Style *video* needs to happen.”
May 18, 2012 at 11:38 am
I wish she’d read the seller’s profile next, because that makes this look sane.
May 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm
You’re new here, aren’t you?
May 18, 2012 at 10:36 pm
…And the seller’s use of French is pretentious and unnecessary. Your point, darling?
June 1, 2012 at 8:00 pm
Je pense que tu as raté le point
May 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm
It really drives home why you do voice acting, you sound brilliant and I love you.
May 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm
I believe the proper pronunciation is “the-ah-TAH”. Thank you very much.
May 18, 2012 at 11:19 am
I would imagine that calling this a slave cuff would make real slaves cringe. I cannot imagine my friend wearing something this butt ugly.
May 20, 2012 at 6:20 pm
I’d like to know how a slave afforded gold and rubies. These things were not magically more plentiful in olden days; they were still expensive and a lot harder & more dangerous to find and mine, which is why they were used on rich people’s things and you don’t find them in peasant shacks. So I’m hesitant to believe some ‘noble’ fuckwit plastered a slave in easily stolen/bartered riches just because he or she was good at *ahem* fulfilling their duties.
You don’t let the maid use a Bentley with your name on the plates as their personal car just to show off how rich you are. Granted, though, there’s always that one idiot who would.
May 18, 2012 at 11:21 am
Holy Hell, this made my day!
May 18, 2012 at 11:22 am
I love these so much there’s probably something indecent about it.
I was expecting to hear “ANITA, DAAARLING!” at some point, Helen sounded very Cruella DeVil xD
May 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm
I got a little hint of Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty villain) or the Wicked Queen (Snow White villain).
May 18, 2012 at 11:22 am
Open two years with only one sale. Wonder why? Also- heart me? Hilarious.
May 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Agreed – my favorite part.
May 18, 2012 at 11:23 am
FANTASTIC. Thanks for the laughs!
May 18, 2012 at 11:24 am
I’m seeing neither pave diamonds nor stylized leaves.
May 18, 2012 at 11:36 am
And it is made in Italy, but the seller is in New York. Resell…er..collective?
May 18, 2012 at 2:42 pm
The leaves are the prongs holding the rubies in, and if you look carefully, there are some “pave” set diamonds on the leaves.
May 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Perhaps pave is Italian for “too small to see with the naked eye”?
May 18, 2012 at 11:24 am
I’d throw roses at your feet, Madam, for the stunning performance. If only it were for a bracelet that did not look like King Midas took a dump after eating too many bowls of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries cereal!
May 18, 2012 at 11:24 am
HKApril, bless you for providing the essential 2nd “LA!” in your performance. The original description’s “OOOH LA!” had me feeling all stabby.
May 19, 2012 at 3:49 am
Oooh La! Sounds like the noises the Martians make in Jeff Wayne’s War Of The Worlds.
May 18, 2012 at 11:25 am
Oh, April, I heart you so much.
May 18, 2012 at 11:26 am
“Pave of diamonds”… sounds like something you spread on a Clubhouse cracker at a fancy party. Also, Helen, I especially liked the little bit of Clarabelle you threw in on “OOOH LA”!
May 18, 2012 at 11:26 am
This makes me happier than anything outside of orgasms ever should.
May 18, 2012 at 11:51 am
So you people weren’t all having orgasms?
…Uh oh.
May 18, 2012 at 11:27 am
How are you supposed to buy and wear two, if it is one of a kind???
May 18, 2012 at 11:59 am
Exactly! Unless each one is one of a kind. Right?
May 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm
She sells other cuffs, and each one is different. You’re supposed to buy two that don’t match for your matching pair.
May 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Oh, NOW I get it.
May 18, 2012 at 11:28 am
How much would it cost me to get you to record a couple of paragraphs for me? It would mostly be telling my husband to stop flicking his boogers on the wall. And how much more I could love him if he stopped.
I think he would listen to you.
May 18, 2012 at 4:08 pm
If not April, Sam Cornwell is still on Fiverr.
May 18, 2012 at 8:22 pm
I smell a really great charity drive here. Pay $100, you get a sentence read by April. $500 brings you a paragraph. All for some kind of really good cause.
Of course, most of you would just ask her to read a bunch of smut. (Who am I kidding, so would I.)
May 18, 2012 at 11:31 am
If this is slavery, someone sign me up!
May 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm
I was aware of the “agony” part of slavery but not so much the “ecstasy” part.
May 18, 2012 at 3:52 pm
Ohhhh honey have I got friends you need to meet.
May 18, 2012 at 11:31 am
My boyfriend has been asking me every day if there was a new Regretsy Theater out yet. This is going to make his day! HAHA!
May 18, 2012 at 11:32 am
I like this, and I’m not sure how good the price is, when I can not get to see it for yourself.
Intaglio is probably Afghanistan
or Tibet. Rubies are opaque, but not the worst quality, craftsmanship is barbaric, but my wife would be suitable, for example.
Diamonds claws do not fit into this, they spoil the whole, it would have been better used, for example-Braid stocking. If you use the diamonds, worse, but larger. This would be preferable.
I can understand the author’s idea, but the sense of style is not quite the best.
At the right price then also affect the weight of an object, so this is hard to say anything.
May 18, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Barbaric is an apt description. Can’t say I like it myself.
Should of just stuck with bezels not that the bezels are better. It looks like someone jammed the stones in the same way you would put on a shoe in a hurry. You end up with the heel of your sneaker in the shoe instead of wearing it.
Whats with that weird fourth wire prong on the rubies?
May 19, 2012 at 12:34 am
More generally, people think of rubies sparkle and glow bright red.
They are really rare in nature.
Most of the precious stone is of poor quality.
Rubies are a lot of dull, opaque, striped, black, red, and they are not very expensive.
The same with the diamonds.
I have sometimes had some great stones, diamond are now worth a few euros a yellowish-brown crystals.
May 18, 2012 at 11:32 am
Okay, you’ve got Indian rubies, Persian intaglio, Italian yellow gold, and, correct me if I’m wrong, but Lady Rotherwick of Cornbury sounds pretty darn English to me, all swaddled in pretension.
It’s like an ad for United Salve Cuffs of Benetton.
May 18, 2012 at 11:33 am
The reverb definitely adds the necessary je ne sais quoi to the whole thing.
Brilliant as always, April.
May 18, 2012 at 11:33 am
Oh this is my favorite. This is my favorite ever. Please more Regretsy Theatre!
It is not often that I sit down with my boyfriend and make him read/partake in Regretsy, but so far every time there is a Regretsy Theatre post, I do. It is hilariously the best thing to have ever existed on the internet.
May 18, 2012 at 12:01 pm
It’s my favorite workday indulgence. A sort of mental coffee break, if you will. Of course, I can only visit when my boss is out of the office (which we share. Ugh).
May 18, 2012 at 11:33 am
At least it’s not tagged “Steampunk” or “Tribal”.
May 18, 2012 at 11:58 am
Yet. Sellers have a way of adjusting their copy/tags after being featured here.
May 18, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I think there’s room for an octopus or cog or two.
May 18, 2012 at 11:34 am
I’m so turned on. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to hear HK read one of the listings for my shitty yarn.
May 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm
I smell a new revenue stream for Regretsy Global LLC.
May 18, 2012 at 11:36 am
Handmade in Italy, yet ships from the United States. Another collective?
May 18, 2012 at 11:39 am
Exactly what I was thinking. For those prices, maybe she flies to Italy to make them and returns to NY to sell.
May 18, 2012 at 11:40 am
you beat me to it! she’s in NY, but the piece is made in Italy. She must have some loooong arms!
May 18, 2012 at 11:51 am
If I do not remember wrong, Most Honourable Baroness Rotherwick of Cornbury is an American and a family of second home is in New York.
What strikes me as strange that the Honourable Lady has chosen sales channel for Etsy. Could arise under the suspicion that the Cayzer family has serious financial problems.
I would have been able to handle that kind of sales in comfort and style, without the embarrassing publicity, the Commission reasonable.
May 18, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Christ, she’s real English royalty?
Don’t fuck with me now, I’m gullible as hell.
May 19, 2012 at 12:23 am
Royal not, but aristocrat.
Great Britain’s nobility is divided into several categories.
The upper class of “Most Honourable”, ie the peerage, the barons, varakreivit, marquise, and Dukes. Sittten, for example, counts are divided into British, English, Scottish and Irish Earls. These are aristocrats. They have got his title for services to the crown. Earl, except that the Count Scotland, where the title of an old one.
The lower nobility and knights baronet. They are in front of the first name “SIR” or “Lady” or “Dame”
Then there is the third class below them, Gentry, which has no official status, they own the land, with or without title, but they are not “Sir” or “Most Honourable,” but only a baron, or lord of this or that.
Often the value of their names are older than the Kingdom.
Royals are a different story then.
May 19, 2012 at 4:10 am
Titles are not as rare in Europe.
My person is close to the princess. The kingdom has long since disappeared, but the title remains.
I was visiting my son once a visit to
and there were three visiting prince.
Some at the dinner 25 years ago, I and one guy we were the only men who had not the baron, a count or baron’s son.
With just a few of your relatives is a lower-level titles, and a few, which is an old and historic title, do not use it.
May 18, 2012 at 11:51 am
Slaves make it.
May 18, 2012 at 11:56 am
Nowadays, they’re called “a collective”.
May 18, 2012 at 11:38 am
Ok..Of topic from the FAB theatrical performance. so I found this same cuff (AND DESCRIPTION! The craftardness is NOT limited to etsy) on another website , and is it just me, or does it look like this cuff is a cheap knock off of the original. I actually have some 18k gold from living overseas, and I’m sorry but this one looks brass to me. The original looks right and is made with diamonds and antique stones but either way… 20K?!?… Dafug you say.
May 18, 2012 at 11:43 am
How in the heck do you link to a another website in the comments.. did this work? HTML gods! I curse thee!
May 18, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Huh.
So not only is it a complete knock off, it’s a really bad one!
May 20, 2012 at 7:31 pm
Interesting how “go Pagan” was removed and rewritten for Etsy. For all their flower-child overdosing, I’d have thought it would be a relatively safe site for being openly Pagan (as opposed to a Jesus-heavy environment where even mentioning Halloween incites an angry mob and hate mail for months.) We’ve certainly seen a plethora of “earth goddess” fuckery before.
I’m glad to know this isn’t actually an antique, though. If the stones and metal are genuine- and I had $20K not doing anything else- I wouldn’t have to feel bad about removing the stones and melting the rest down into something that’s not so Flintstones-y and ugly. An inedible candy bar with ruby ‘almonds’ would be better use of the gold than this.
May 18, 2012 at 5:32 pm
It’s the same seller.
May 18, 2012 at 11:41 am
Here’s something interesting. She has a website where she also sells these fine pieces. And on this site, it say’s that this particular cuff has been sold.
http://cpsjewels.com/bracelets/
May 18, 2012 at 11:57 am
It says there is a “variation” available for $20K
May 18, 2012 at 11:42 am
I just can’t help myself reading that ludicrous title as “LADY ROTHERWICK’S CORNHOLE CUFF”… why does everything on Regretsy somehow eventually lead back to goatse?
May 19, 2012 at 6:50 am
It’s actually Federal law. Title 69 of the USC (from Public law 99-284) establishes the National Bureau of Goatse (BOG), and requires that all “primary sources of comedy” (thus excluding Carlos Mencia) be traceable back to humor calibration standards maintained by BOG.
It’s no stretch to say that Goatse is open to everyone.
May 18, 2012 at 11:43 am
Why is slavery being fun a reoccurring Etsy theme?
May 18, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Because all those cupcakes have been reading way the fuck too much Anne Rice.
May 18, 2012 at 4:14 pm
The octopi just didn’t have enough tentacles? My spell check was suggesting “testicles”…Touche’ spell check!
May 18, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Depends what kind of slavery are you referring to. There’s the historical kind and the kinky kind. either way etsy have plenty of items that feature both themes
May 18, 2012 at 11:44 am
Yeah, I’ve worked with a lot of precious metals in my day and that ain’t gold. The defining characteristic of gold is that it doesn’t tarnish in any way, so it will always look bright, shiny and golden. That looks like a lump of brass.
May 18, 2012 at 12:04 pm
I think it looks kinda like plastic. I work in a nonprofit theatre, and some of the props we’re using for our new play (opens this weekend!) look an awful lot like this.
May 18, 2012 at 12:36 pm
I worked in the past for a company that made jewelry whose designs were found in the tomb. In some models, it is possible to make “old gold”, so that the surface is brushed broken, then kullataan another shade with gold, and then refined. Really old gold does not appear, but you may want one.
Then the surface looks a bit mottled.
It is possible to do, then even if the surface brushing, hiekkapakotus or other surface treatment.
Then there are national differences.
The Russians want to be another golden hues, such as the Italians. The Finns in between.
In Russian articles, for example, is often a mixture of 585 gold, 330 silver and 85 copper.
Finnish 585 gold, copper, 207.5, and the same amount of silver.
In Italy, 585 gold, 400, 15 of copper and silver.
Each gives a mixture of different tint.
But the fashions vary.
May 18, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Gold surface gloss can be influenced in several ways. I have seen a great object, a first method, sand-opaque, then the polished regions of the raised, resulting in a strong three-dimensional feeling.
Then the second thing is that the pieces are really demanding to be described.
A shiny appearance because of light must be complete and correct color, so that the surface looks good.
When the self-image of jewelry, I picture them in sunlight, but in the shade, when I do not have good artificial lighting.
May 18, 2012 at 1:10 pm
That worries me here is the award-barbarism.
In reality, such an unfortunate end result, does not object barbaric, but many of the right example germaani or skythian object was a really great quality crafts.
Precious stone is ugly, the quality of stones, one that would not be used for gold. Perhaps the silver.
Such surface could be a possible but not probable.
Look at me and my wife’s wedding rings.
They are barbaric, but they are made with care, 990 per thousand, and forged in gold, stones planted in a credible manner.
May 18, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Petja, you are an amazing source of information. Thank you for the explanations. I found them very interesting.
May 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Gold has been a hobby nearly 50 years and having worked for two workshops, one of the biggest in Finland.
May 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Ah, I am a hobbiest also, but in low-end beads and mineral collecting. I knew gold was made in different mixtures but didn’t realize different countries liked so much variety.
And I do not like her placement of the stones. It’s too random. There is no order or symmetry in the placement. It looks like a small child put the stones in place.
May 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm
“It looks like a small child put the stones in place.”
Well, it could have been a small slave-child that put it together, so ya never know.
July 1, 2012 at 12:21 pm
so did i….zzzzzzzzzz
not to be rude but…(this where ya jus’ gotta know i’m gonna be!)…i actually came here for a laugh but the history slash silversmith slash jewelry lessons are kinda suckin’ the fun outta my comedy high. we all get it!!! you’re really really smart, petja
May 18, 2012 at 3:55 pm
Huh — that’s really cool, the differing international tastes. I wonder why? There’s a paper in that.
May 18, 2012 at 9:34 pm
There’s always been varying taste internationally in gold. India and places in Africa for example prefer 24 carrot gold. Americans seem to like their gold mixed heavily and pale. I guess because it’s cost effective yet still a mark of status.
May 18, 2012 at 11:21 pm
It has something to do, at the broadest sense, with the social and financial significance of jewelry, and how it is worn and used.
The only piece of gold I own is my wedding ring, and I don’t think I’m unusual among American women in this. It’s lower-carat, and pale, which looks right to my American eyes, it also makes it sturdy enough to be worn for decades constantly, which very pure, soft gold wouldn’t be.
We bank our money, we don’t buy gold. Even the First Lady wears fake pearls. Costume pieces are considered perfectly respectable. The one area where this might be somewhat untrue is in terms of diamonds for engagement jewelry.
In India or lots of places in Africa, women wear the family bank account, or their own, and pieces of jewelry are far more fungible with the weight of the metal. Gold and silver may be melted down and turned into new pieces, rather than handed down as heirlooms. This makes a huge difference in how important high-carat gold is.
May 19, 2012 at 12:25 am
The Russian gold is reddish, yellowish Finnish, Italian green tint.
Finland sees sometimes rings with all three colors, like a braid.
May 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Those rings are gorgeous.
May 18, 2012 at 11:44 am
I keep on misreading that ludicrous title as “LADY ROTHERWICK’S CORNHOLE CUFF”… why is it everything on Regretsy sooner or later leads back to goatse?
May 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Because everything posted here reeks of ass.
May 18, 2012 at 11:46 am
Brava!
At one point I started imagining it as RuPaul doing Vivian Pickles (Harold’s mother) in Harold & Maude … (“Well! That cost quite a bit of influence et d’argent to hush up, I can tell you!”)
May 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm
If only I had more thumbs to like this even harder!
May 18, 2012 at 11:47 am
If slaves can sell out 20 thou for a bracelet that looks like Outbreak sores, then I am in the wrong line of work.
May 18, 2012 at 11:48 am
I meant SHELL out. Not sell out.
…Or did I?
May 18, 2012 at 11:49 am
For fucksakes, can this woman lay off the caps lock?
May 18, 2012 at 12:01 pm
NO, NO SHE CAN’T, BECAUSE SHE’S SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF FINELY DESIGNED AND CRAFTED FUCKERY AND NOW I HAVE A HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS INTERNET SHOUTING.
May 18, 2012 at 12:05 pm
I HEAR YA LOUD AND CLEAR!
May 18, 2012 at 11:49 am
the OoOOoooh in ‘Ooh la’ made me laugh : )
May 18, 2012 at 11:53 am
Does she know that French and Italian are not the same thing?
Does she know that in French, a clic-clac is a futon?
And “comme la fait, Audrey” makes no sense whatsoever. I think maybe she means “comme l’a fait Audrey”?
May 18, 2012 at 8:03 pm
French isn’t my first language, but did she mean “comme il faut?” Oh ma tête….
May 18, 2012 at 11:54 am
Two cuffs and a ring cost less than $50,000. She even includes free shipping! Give me a few years’ salary in advance, so I can take advantage of these prices now! I will gladly move my family out onto the street and eat dumpster findings for two or three y
May 18, 2012 at 11:56 am
*two or three years, if I can look this classy while I do it.
(Sorry. Page refreshed while I was typing, and my post was posted without me.)
May 18, 2012 at 11:58 am
Oh fuck yeah! Free shipping! I hope it’s priority mail with tracking.
May 18, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Brava!
May 18, 2012 at 12:09 pm
There is no pave here! I knew pave, and you sir, are not pave.
May 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Pave’s my fave!
May 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm
I want all regresty posts to be narrated in this manner now, thank you.
May 18, 2012 at 12:48 pm
In my head EVERYTHING is narrated in this manner.
May 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Me too! But with more cursing.
May 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Etsy is Slavery in so many different ways.
May 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm
I like the intaglio rings she’s selling – I’ve always wanted to punch somebody in the face and leave a bruise shaped like a Roman god.
May 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm
SLAVES APPARENTLY LIKE TO WEAR JEWELRY THAT COSTS TWENTY-THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS AND THEY ALSO CANNOT STOP SHOUTING ABOUT IT
May 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm
I don’t think this cuff would get the Rarity stamp of approval.
CANTERLOT VOICE!!!!!
May 20, 2012 at 10:49 pm
It’s hard not to shout when you find out you’re a slave AND that you’ve spent a good chunk of cash on shitty jewelery.
May 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm
THIS is why I tune in everyday!! Love it.
May 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Every time I read an Etsy listing, I’m going to hear it in April’s voice now. Etsy just became so much more fun!
May 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Oh, Lady Rotherwick, who told you you could have a COLLECTION of this… stuff?
May 18, 2012 at 2:03 pm
You know, I have to amend my previous snark. Even I cannot deny that Charlie looks fab in this…
May 18, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Let’s try that again:
May 18, 2012 at 8:20 pm
Get your stinking Cornbury Stag Park Cuff off me you damn, dirty Lady Rotherwick!
May 18, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Dear HK
Your Ursula laugh gave me shivers!
Please do it some more
SC
May 18, 2012 at 2:52 pm
That ain’t intaglio, that’s just carved. Intaglio is incredibly detailed mosaic pictures, usually done with wood. And there’s “pave” in there. Sort of. I don’t think two itty bitty diamonds per “leaf” prong counts as a true pave setting.
As for the “gold”, it looks like bronze to me. The bezel settings around the carved carnelians are horrible. However, I like the look of the settings on those rubies. I just don’t think mixing bezels and prongs really works together.
Annoys me that people can sell this stuff for $20k when I have a hard time selling my genuinely hand-made sterling silver jewelry for $20.
May 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Also, those horrid bezels around the carnelians are just cups. The stones look like they’re glued in and would fall out. The edges of the “gold” don’t curl over the stones in any way.
May 18, 2012 at 8:12 pm
My first thoughts were “hrm, that’s not bad, in a rustic, earthy sort of TWENTY FUCKING THOUSAND?!?!”
If–IF–that’s real 18K and decent quality gemstones, it’s still not worth anywhere near that much.
May 18, 2012 at 8:31 pm
Actually, those stones *are* intaglios, though not very fine ones. I think you’re thinking of marquetry and wood inlay, not intaglio, which is a reverse cameo. From the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of “intaglio”: “b. The process or art of carving or engraving in a hard material; incised carving as opposed to carving in relief; the condition or fact of being incised. Chiefly in phrase in intaglio, as opposed to in rilievo or in relief. Also fig.” and see def. 2a: “Anything ornamented with incised work; esp. a precious stone having a figure or design cut on its surface, an incised gem. Opposed to cameo.”
May 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Huh. I think you’re right. My mom was signed up for an intaglio class and they wanted her to get woodworking tools and wood, so someone’s confused about what the definition is. I was going off of that. Thanks for the correction!
May 19, 2012 at 12:11 am
Intaglio/a is a word that google translate “Marquetry” is another matter. It is made of wood mosaic. My neighbor daughter intarsia, a carpenter.
Intaglio is a stone, horn, bone or shell of engraving, in which the pattern is a recess.
Came is vice versa, the pattern is high.
May 19, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Yep, you’re right. I was mistaken. The rest of what I said stands, though.
May 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm
I just reread the description and this psycho broad wants you to buy TWO of these monstrosities!!!
May 19, 2012 at 3:15 am
Maybe you get reduced shipping.
May 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm
I love you April!! You are so fucking talented. OMG! When you talk it’s like your singing a beautiful song… Unfuckingbelivable how majorly AWESOME you really are! WOW!!
May 18, 2012 at 3:56 pm
I LIVE for “Regretsy Theater” and am now frightened by the thought of imposing “RED LIPSTICK”! “It’s a must” was also voiced perfectly! TY SO MUCH for “Regretsy Theater”!
May 18, 2012 at 4:14 pm
Let’s write a hellephant children’s book-on-tape series with Jewel Renee illustrating and Helen narrating!
May 18, 2012 at 5:04 pm
This is just what I needed after having spent the last two days in a self-induced Game of Thrones coma.
I do, indeed, heart you, my queen. I do, indeed.
May 18, 2012 at 6:30 pm
That looks like a prop for someone LARPing Game of Thrones.
May 18, 2012 at 6:44 pm
I’ve got a friend in Germany who’s in training to be a goldsmith. And by training, I mean she creates the molds by herself, melts and pours the gold, sets the stones…
I sent her a picture of this, and she said if she ever turned out something this fugly, the guy she’s apprenticing with would make her melt the whole thing and do it over till she got it right.
May 18, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Why oh why are your Disney overlords not getting you to voice all their female villains, April?
May 18, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Such talent for taking fairly pretty artifacts and turning them into seriously ugly! Usually, costume jewelry imitates the real thing; here, we have more-or-less real imitating costume jewelry, the kind that is sold at accessory and cosmetic parties. Amazing! Regretsy Theater, on the other hand, is genuine, 100% solid gold.
May 18, 2012 at 9:54 pm
Welll now that I’ve read this with Aprils voice in the background it’s not nearly as painful. Now what about her profile. That might be a nightmare to narrate.
May 18, 2012 at 10:52 pm
That was totally worth disabling my Flashblock to lisen to. Regretsy Theater is the tits! And I do heart you, very very much.
May 18, 2012 at 10:53 pm
That’s “listen” – crap, I’m not even drunk and my typing is slurred.
May 19, 2012 at 12:41 am
Those jewels look like soap bars to me.
May 19, 2012 at 2:53 am
Regretsy Theatre is the best thing EVER.
May 19, 2012 at 7:15 am
it seems the maker is also into fisting
http://www.etsy.com/listing/54556735/brazilian-gold-fist-necklace
May 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm
String ALL the things!
Crap in a hat, there’s not a single charm on that thing that’s in any way related to the others.
May 19, 2012 at 7:38 am
Ohh…I think I just fell in love with Helen. Bravo! Bravo!
Wanna take bets on how long before the butthurt cease and desist letter shows up?
May 19, 2012 at 8:11 am
i always get java/flash/something errors when i try and hear the little recorded add ons.
i am missing out on so much!
May 27, 2012 at 6:02 am
Amurana, I was having the same problem. For some time I was actually a full FJL, emphasis on the J, because I seemed to be the only one who couldn’t hear(t) Regretsy Thea-tah.
Make sure you don’t have a Flashblock program installed (and if you do, add Regretsy to your “whitelist”–that cleared up the problem for me).
May 19, 2012 at 8:42 am
All I can say is “Brilliant! in the voice of those Guinness ads.
May 19, 2012 at 9:49 am
Another thing I like, but can never afford to buy.
…I have horrible taste.
May 19, 2012 at 11:55 am
Jesus Tapdancing Christ. I want you to narrate the dictionary for me–an honor I have, for years, been reserving Michael Wincott.
May 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Handmade in Italy by someone in New York, I am curious how that works.
May 20, 2012 at 7:25 pm
This was a perfect ending to my night.
A touch of Ursula, a dab of Cruella. Perfect! My only quandary… if it’s a “one of” then how can you buy two?
May 27, 2012 at 6:06 am
Because it’s Etsy. I came across a listing the other day for something claiming to be OOAK. Then under the price it said “2 available”. Apparently “one of a kind” means “I only list one of these in my shop at a time.”
May 21, 2012 at 7:13 am
Helen, I want to be you when I grow up. That is all.
May 22, 2012 at 11:11 pm
Applet still not working… is everyone just pretending to see these?
July 2, 2012 at 6:40 am
Someone already made the comment I wanted to make! I’ll post it anyway, and pretend I didn’t see it.
Rubies that resemble cough drops, yellow gold that looks like brown scrap metal… hey wait a minute! If this is slavery, then someone sign me up!
Also, if it’s “one of a kind” how do you get a matching pair, and how did this Coco wench (whoever she is) also obtain a pair?