Regretsy Theatre: LADY ROTHERWICK’S CORNBURY STAG PARK CUFF
I love Regretsy Theatre! Please do lots more of these!
I thought you were going to project the cuff in space like Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the backs of Helen and Bronc’s heads.
Who knew Etsy descriptions could have such entertainment value?
A MST3K: Regretsy Style needs to happen. Does Etsy have a Youtube channel? If they do, there’s bound to be some good riffs just waiting to be made.
“…Style *video* needs to happen.”
I wish she’d read the seller’s profile next, because that makes this look sane.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Agreed, but holy hell your French pronunciation is awful.
You’re new here, aren’t you?
…And the seller’s use of French is pretentious and unnecessary. Your point, darling?
Je pense que tu as raté le point
It really drives home why you do voice acting, you sound brilliant and I love you.
I believe the proper pronunciation is “the-ah-TAH”. Thank you very much.
I would imagine that calling this a slave cuff would make real slaves cringe. I cannot imagine my friend wearing something this butt ugly.
I’d like to know how a slave afforded gold and rubies. These things were not magically more plentiful in olden days; they were still expensive and a lot harder & more dangerous to find and mine, which is why they were used on rich people’s things and you don’t find them in peasant shacks. So I’m hesitant to believe some ‘noble’ fuckwit plastered a slave in easily stolen/bartered riches just because he or she was good at *ahem* fulfilling their duties.
You don’t let the maid use a Bentley with your name on the plates as their personal car just to show off how rich you are. Granted, though, there’s always that one idiot who would.
Holy Hell, this made my day!
I love these so much there’s probably something indecent about it.
I was expecting to hear “ANITA, DAAARLING!” at some point, Helen sounded very Cruella DeVil xD
I got a little hint of Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty villain) or the Wicked Queen (Snow White villain).
Open two years with only one sale. Wonder why? Also- heart me? Hilarious.
Agreed – my favorite part.
FANTASTIC. Thanks for the laughs!
I’m seeing neither pave diamonds nor stylized leaves.
And it is made in Italy, but the seller is in New York. Resell…er..collective?
The leaves are the prongs holding the rubies in, and if you look carefully, there are some “pave” set diamonds on the leaves.
Perhaps pave is Italian for “too small to see with the naked eye”?
I’d throw roses at your feet, Madam, for the stunning performance. If only it were for a bracelet that did not look like King Midas took a dump after eating too many bowls of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries cereal!
HKApril, bless you for providing the essential 2nd “LA!” in your performance. The original description’s “OOOH LA!” had me feeling all stabby.
Oooh La! Sounds like the noises the Martians make in Jeff Wayne’s War Of The Worlds.
Oh, April, I heart you so much.
“Pave of diamonds”… sounds like something you spread on a Clubhouse cracker at a fancy party. Also, Helen, I especially liked the little bit of Clarabelle you threw in on “OOOH LA”!
This makes me happier than anything outside of orgasms ever should.
So you people weren’t all having orgasms?
How are you supposed to buy and wear two, if it is one of a kind???
Exactly! Unless each one is one of a kind. Right?
She sells other cuffs, and each one is different. You’re supposed to buy two that don’t match for your matching pair.
Oh, NOW I get it.
How much would it cost me to get you to record a couple of paragraphs for me? It would mostly be telling my husband to stop flicking his boogers on the wall. And how much more I could love him if he stopped.
I think he would listen to you.
If not April, Sam Cornwell is still on Fiverr.
I smell a really great charity drive here. Pay $100, you get a sentence read by April. $500 brings you a paragraph. All for some kind of really good cause.
Of course, most of you would just ask her to read a bunch of smut. (Who am I kidding, so would I.)
If this is slavery, someone sign me up!
I was aware of the “agony” part of slavery but not so much the “ecstasy” part.
Ohhhh honey have I got friends you need to meet.
My boyfriend has been asking me every day if there was a new Regretsy Theater out yet. This is going to make his day! HAHA!
I like this, and I’m not sure how good the price is, when I can not get to see it for yourself.
Intaglio is probably Afghanistan
or Tibet. Rubies are opaque, but not the worst quality, craftsmanship is barbaric, but my wife would be suitable, for example.
Diamonds claws do not fit into this, they spoil the whole, it would have been better used, for example-Braid stocking. If you use the diamonds, worse, but larger. This would be preferable.
I can understand the author’s idea, but the sense of style is not quite the best.
At the right price then also affect the weight of an object, so this is hard to say anything.
Barbaric is an apt description. Can’t say I like it myself.
Should of just stuck with bezels not that the bezels are better. It looks like someone jammed the stones in the same way you would put on a shoe in a hurry. You end up with the heel of your sneaker in the shoe instead of wearing it.
Whats with that weird fourth wire prong on the rubies?
More generally, people think of rubies sparkle and glow bright red.
They are really rare in nature.
Most of the precious stone is of poor quality.
Rubies are a lot of dull, opaque, striped, black, red, and they are not very expensive.
The same with the diamonds.
I have sometimes had some great stones, diamond are now worth a few euros a yellowish-brown crystals.
Okay, you’ve got Indian rubies, Persian intaglio, Italian yellow gold, and, correct me if I’m wrong, but Lady Rotherwick of Cornbury sounds pretty darn English to me, all swaddled in pretension.
It’s like an ad for United Salve Cuffs of Benetton.
The reverb definitely adds the necessary je ne sais quoi to the whole thing.
Brilliant as always, April.
Oh this is my favorite. This is my favorite ever. Please more Regretsy Theatre!
It is not often that I sit down with my boyfriend and make him read/partake in Regretsy, but so far every time there is a Regretsy Theatre post, I do. It is hilariously the best thing to have ever existed on the internet.
It’s my favorite workday indulgence. A sort of mental coffee break, if you will. Of course, I can only visit when my boss is out of the office (which we share. Ugh).
At least it’s not tagged “Steampunk” or “Tribal”.
Yet. Sellers have a way of adjusting their copy/tags after being featured here.
I think there’s room for an octopus or cog or two.
I’m so turned on. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to hear HK read one of the listings for my shitty yarn.
I smell a new revenue stream for Regretsy Global LLC.
Handmade in Italy, yet ships from the United States. Another collective?
Exactly what I was thinking. For those prices, maybe she flies to Italy to make them and returns to NY to sell.
you beat me to it! she’s in NY, but the piece is made in Italy. She must have some loooong arms!
If I do not remember wrong, Most Honourable Baroness Rotherwick of Cornbury is an American and a family of second home is in New York.
What strikes me as strange that the Honourable Lady has chosen sales channel for Etsy. Could arise under the suspicion that the Cayzer family has serious financial problems.
I would have been able to handle that kind of sales in comfort and style, without the embarrassing publicity, the Commission reasonable.
Christ, she’s real English royalty?
Don’t fuck with me now, I’m gullible as hell.
Royal not, but aristocrat.
Great Britain’s nobility is divided into several categories.
The upper class of “Most Honourable”, ie the peerage, the barons, varakreivit, marquise, and Dukes. Sittten, for example, counts are divided into British, English, Scottish and Irish Earls. These are aristocrats. They have got his title for services to the crown. Earl, except that the Count Scotland, where the title of an old one.
The lower nobility and knights baronet. They are in front of the first name “SIR” or “Lady” or “Dame”
Then there is the third class below them, Gentry, which has no official status, they own the land, with or without title, but they are not “Sir” or “Most Honourable,” but only a baron, or lord of this or that.
Often the value of their names are older than the Kingdom.
Royals are a different story then.
Titles are not as rare in Europe.
My person is close to the princess. The kingdom has long since disappeared, but the title remains.
I was visiting my son once a visit to
and there were three visiting prince.
Some at the dinner 25 years ago, I and one guy we were the only men who had not the baron, a count or baron’s son.
With just a few of your relatives is a lower-level titles, and a few, which is an old and historic title, do not use it.
Slaves make it.
Nowadays, they’re called “a collective”.
Ok..Of topic from the FAB theatrical performance. so I found this same cuff (AND DESCRIPTION! The craftardness is NOT limited to etsy) on another website , and is it just me, or does it look like this cuff is a cheap knock off of the original. I actually have some 18k gold from living overseas, and I’m sorry but this one looks brass to me. The original looks right and is made with diamonds and antique stones but either way… 20K?!?… Dafug you say.
How in the heck do you link to a another website in the comments.. did this work? HTML gods! I curse thee!
So not only is it a complete knock off, it’s a really bad one!
Interesting how “go Pagan” was removed and rewritten for Etsy. For all their flower-child overdosing, I’d have thought it would be a relatively safe site for being openly Pagan (as opposed to a Jesus-heavy environment where even mentioning Halloween incites an angry mob and hate mail for months.) We’ve certainly seen a plethora of “earth goddess” fuckery before.
I’m glad to know this isn’t actually an antique, though. If the stones and metal are genuine- and I had $20K not doing anything else- I wouldn’t have to feel bad about removing the stones and melting the rest down into something that’s not so Flintstones-y and ugly. An inedible candy bar with ruby ‘almonds’ would be better use of the gold than this.
It’s the same seller.
Here’s something interesting. She has a website where she also sells these fine pieces. And on this site, it say’s that this particular cuff has been sold.
It says there is a “variation” available for $20K
I just can’t help myself reading that ludicrous title as “LADY ROTHERWICK’S CORNHOLE CUFF”… why does everything on Regretsy somehow eventually lead back to goatse?
It’s actually Federal law. Title 69 of the USC (from Public law 99-284) establishes the National Bureau of Goatse (BOG), and requires that all “primary sources of comedy” (thus excluding Carlos Mencia) be traceable back to humor calibration standards maintained by BOG.
It’s no stretch to say that Goatse is open to everyone.
Why is slavery being fun a reoccurring Etsy theme?
Because all those cupcakes have been reading way the fuck too much Anne Rice.
The octopi just didn’t have enough tentacles? My spell check was suggesting “testicles”…Touche’ spell check!
Depends what kind of slavery are you referring to. There’s the historical kind and the kinky kind. either way etsy have plenty of items that feature both themes
Yeah, I’ve worked with a lot of precious metals in my day and that ain’t gold. The defining characteristic of gold is that it doesn’t tarnish in any way, so it will always look bright, shiny and golden. That looks like a lump of brass.
I think it looks kinda like plastic. I work in a nonprofit theatre, and some of the props we’re using for our new play (opens this weekend!) look an awful lot like this.
I worked in the past for a company that made jewelry whose designs were found in the tomb. In some models, it is possible to make “old gold”, so that the surface is brushed broken, then kullataan another shade with gold, and then refined. Really old gold does not appear, but you may want one.
Then the surface looks a bit mottled.
It is possible to do, then even if the surface brushing, hiekkapakotus or other surface treatment.
Then there are national differences.
The Russians want to be another golden hues, such as the Italians. The Finns in between.
In Russian articles, for example, is often a mixture of 585 gold, 330 silver and 85 copper.
Finnish 585 gold, copper, 207.5, and the same amount of silver.
In Italy, 585 gold, 400, 15 of copper and silver.
Each gives a mixture of different tint.
But the fashions vary.
Gold surface gloss can be influenced in several ways. I have seen a great object, a first method, sand-opaque, then the polished regions of the raised, resulting in a strong three-dimensional feeling.
Then the second thing is that the pieces are really demanding to be described.
A shiny appearance because of light must be complete and correct color, so that the surface looks good.
When the self-image of jewelry, I picture them in sunlight, but in the shade, when I do not have good artificial lighting.
That worries me here is the award-barbarism.
In reality, such an unfortunate end result, does not object barbaric, but many of the right example germaani or skythian object was a really great quality crafts.
Precious stone is ugly, the quality of stones, one that would not be used for gold. Perhaps the silver.
Such surface could be a possible but not probable.
Look at me and my wife’s wedding rings.
They are barbaric, but they are made with care, 990 per thousand, and forged in gold, stones planted in a credible manner.
Petja, you are an amazing source of information. Thank you for the explanations. I found them very interesting.
Gold has been a hobby nearly 50 years and having worked for two workshops, one of the biggest in Finland.
Ah, I am a hobbiest also, but in low-end beads and mineral collecting. I knew gold was made in different mixtures but didn’t realize different countries liked so much variety.
And I do not like her placement of the stones. It’s too random. There is no order or symmetry in the placement. It looks like a small child put the stones in place.
“It looks like a small child put the stones in place.”
Well, it could have been a small slave-child that put it together, so ya never know.
so did i….zzzzzzzzzz
not to be rude but…(this where ya jus’ gotta know i’m gonna be!)…i actually came here for a laugh but the history slash silversmith slash jewelry lessons are kinda suckin’ the fun outta my comedy high. we all get it!!! you’re really really smart, petja
Huh — that’s really cool, the differing international tastes. I wonder why? There’s a paper in that.
There’s always been varying taste internationally in gold. India and places in Africa for example prefer 24 carrot gold. Americans seem to like their gold mixed heavily and pale. I guess because it’s cost effective yet still a mark of status.
It has something to do, at the broadest sense, with the social and financial significance of jewelry, and how it is worn and used.
The only piece of gold I own is my wedding ring, and I don’t think I’m unusual among American women in this. It’s lower-carat, and pale, which looks right to my American eyes, it also makes it sturdy enough to be worn for decades constantly, which very pure, soft gold wouldn’t be.
We bank our money, we don’t buy gold. Even the First Lady wears fake pearls. Costume pieces are considered perfectly respectable. The one area where this might be somewhat untrue is in terms of diamonds for engagement jewelry.
In India or lots of places in Africa, women wear the family bank account, or their own, and pieces of jewelry are far more fungible with the weight of the metal. Gold and silver may be melted down and turned into new pieces, rather than handed down as heirlooms. This makes a huge difference in how important high-carat gold is.
The Russian gold is reddish, yellowish Finnish, Italian green tint.
Finland sees sometimes rings with all three colors, like a braid.
Those rings are gorgeous.
I keep on misreading that ludicrous title as “LADY ROTHERWICK’S CORNHOLE CUFF”… why is it everything on Regretsy sooner or later leads back to goatse?
Because everything posted here reeks of ass.
At one point I started imagining it as RuPaul doing Vivian Pickles (Harold’s mother) in Harold & Maude … (“Well! That cost quite a bit of influence et d’argent to hush up, I can tell you!”)
If only I had more thumbs to like this even harder!
If slaves can sell out 20 thou for a bracelet that looks like Outbreak sores, then I am in the wrong line of work.
I meant SHELL out. Not sell out.
…Or did I?
For fucksakes, can this woman lay off the caps lock?
NO, NO SHE CAN’T, BECAUSE SHE’S SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF FINELY DESIGNED AND CRAFTED FUCKERY AND NOW I HAVE A HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS INTERNET SHOUTING.
I HEAR YA LOUD AND CLEAR!
the OoOOoooh in ‘Ooh la’ made me laugh : )
Does she know that French and Italian are not the same thing?
Does she know that in French, a clic-clac is a futon?
And “comme la fait, Audrey” makes no sense whatsoever. I think maybe she means “comme l’a fait Audrey”?
French isn’t my first language, but did she mean “comme il faut?” Oh ma tête….
Two cuffs and a ring cost less than $50,000. She even includes free shipping! Give me a few years’ salary in advance, so I can take advantage of these prices now! I will gladly move my family out onto the street and eat dumpster findings for two or three y
*two or three years, if I can look this classy while I do it.
(Sorry. Page refreshed while I was typing, and my post was posted without me.)
Oh fuck yeah! Free shipping! I hope it’s priority mail with tracking.
There is no pave here! I knew pave, and you sir, are not pave.
Pave’s my fave!
I want all regresty posts to be narrated in this manner now, thank you.
In my head EVERYTHING is narrated in this manner.
Me too! But with more cursing.
Etsy is Slavery in so many different ways.
I like the intaglio rings she’s selling – I’ve always wanted to punch somebody in the face and leave a bruise shaped like a Roman god.
SLAVES APPARENTLY LIKE TO WEAR JEWELRY THAT COSTS TWENTY-THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS AND THEY ALSO CANNOT STOP SHOUTING ABOUT IT
I don’t think this cuff would get the Rarity stamp of approval.
It’s hard not to shout when you find out you’re a slave AND that you’ve spent a good chunk of cash on shitty jewelery.
THIS is why I tune in everyday!! Love it.
Every time I read an Etsy listing, I’m going to hear it in April’s voice now. Etsy just became so much more fun!
Oh, Lady Rotherwick, who told you you could have a COLLECTION of this… stuff?
You know, I have to amend my previous snark. Even I cannot deny that Charlie looks fab in this…
Let’s try that again:
Get your stinking Cornbury Stag Park Cuff off me you damn, dirty Lady Rotherwick!
Your Ursula laugh gave me shivers!
Please do it some more
That ain’t intaglio, that’s just carved. Intaglio is incredibly detailed mosaic pictures, usually done with wood. And there’s “pave” in there. Sort of. I don’t think two itty bitty diamonds per “leaf” prong counts as a true pave setting.
As for the “gold”, it looks like bronze to me. The bezel settings around the carved carnelians are horrible. However, I like the look of the settings on those rubies. I just don’t think mixing bezels and prongs really works together.
Annoys me that people can sell this stuff for $20k when I have a hard time selling my genuinely hand-made sterling silver jewelry for $20.
Also, those horrid bezels around the carnelians are just cups. The stones look like they’re glued in and would fall out. The edges of the “gold” don’t curl over the stones in any way.
My first thoughts were “hrm, that’s not bad, in a rustic, earthy sort of TWENTY FUCKING THOUSAND?!?!”
If–IF–that’s real 18K and decent quality gemstones, it’s still not worth anywhere near that much.
Actually, those stones *are* intaglios, though not very fine ones. I think you’re thinking of marquetry and wood inlay, not intaglio, which is a reverse cameo. From the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of “intaglio”: “b. The process or art of carving or engraving in a hard material; incised carving as opposed to carving in relief; the condition or fact of being incised. Chiefly in phrase in intaglio, as opposed to in rilievo or in relief. Also fig.” and see def. 2a: “Anything ornamented with incised work; esp. a precious stone having a figure or design cut on its surface, an incised gem. Opposed to cameo.”
Huh. I think you’re right. My mom was signed up for an intaglio class and they wanted her to get woodworking tools and wood, so someone’s confused about what the definition is. I was going off of that. Thanks for the correction!
Intaglio/a is a word that google translate “Marquetry” is another matter. It is made of wood mosaic. My neighbor daughter intarsia, a carpenter.
Intaglio is a stone, horn, bone or shell of engraving, in which the pattern is a recess.
Came is vice versa, the pattern is high.
Yep, you’re right. I was mistaken. The rest of what I said stands, though.
I just reread the description and this psycho broad wants you to buy TWO of these monstrosities!!!
Maybe you get reduced shipping.
I love you April!! You are so fucking talented. OMG! When you talk it’s like your singing a beautiful song… Unfuckingbelivable how majorly AWESOME you really are! WOW!!
I LIVE for “Regretsy Theater” and am now frightened by the thought of imposing “RED LIPSTICK”! “It’s a must” was also voiced perfectly! TY SO MUCH for “Regretsy Theater”!
Let’s write a hellephant children’s book-on-tape series with Jewel Renee illustrating and Helen narrating!
This is just what I needed after having spent the last two days in a self-induced Game of Thrones coma.
I do, indeed, heart you, my queen. I do, indeed.
That looks like a prop for someone LARPing Game of Thrones.
I’ve got a friend in Germany who’s in training to be a goldsmith. And by training, I mean she creates the molds by herself, melts and pours the gold, sets the stones…
I sent her a picture of this, and she said if she ever turned out something this fugly, the guy she’s apprenticing with would make her melt the whole thing and do it over till she got it right.
Why oh why are your Disney overlords not getting you to voice all their female villains, April?
Such talent for taking fairly pretty artifacts and turning them into seriously ugly! Usually, costume jewelry imitates the real thing; here, we have more-or-less real imitating costume jewelry, the kind that is sold at accessory and cosmetic parties. Amazing! Regretsy Theater, on the other hand, is genuine, 100% solid gold.
Welll now that I’ve read this with Aprils voice in the background it’s not nearly as painful. Now what about her profile. That might be a nightmare to narrate.
That was totally worth disabling my Flashblock to lisen to. Regretsy Theater is the tits! And I do heart you, very very much.
That’s “listen” – crap, I’m not even drunk and my typing is slurred.
Those jewels look like soap bars to me.
Regretsy Theatre is the best thing EVER.
it seems the maker is also into fisting
String ALL the things!
Crap in a hat, there’s not a single charm on that thing that’s in any way related to the others.
Ohh…I think I just fell in love with Helen. Bravo! Bravo!
Wanna take bets on how long before the butthurt cease and desist letter shows up?
i always get java/flash/something errors when i try and hear the little recorded add ons. i am missing out on so much!
Amurana, I was having the same problem. For some time I was actually a full FJL, emphasis on the J, because I seemed to be the only one who couldn’t hear(t) Regretsy Thea-tah.
Make sure you don’t have a Flashblock program installed (and if you do, add Regretsy to your “whitelist”–that cleared up the problem for me).
All I can say is “Brilliant! in the voice of those Guinness ads.
Another thing I like, but can never afford to buy.
…I have horrible taste.
Jesus Tapdancing Christ. I want you to narrate the dictionary for me–an honor I have, for years, been reserving Michael Wincott.
Handmade in Italy by someone in New York, I am curious how that works.
This was a perfect ending to my night. A touch of Ursula, a dab of Cruella. Perfect! My only quandary… if it’s a “one of” then how can you buy two?
Because it’s Etsy. I came across a listing the other day for something claiming to be OOAK. Then under the price it said “2 available”. Apparently “one of a kind” means “I only list one of these in my shop at a time.”
Helen, I want to be you when I grow up. That is all.
Applet still not working… is everyone just pretending to see these?
Someone already made the comment I wanted to make! I’ll post it anyway, and pretend I didn’t see it.
Rubies that resemble cough drops, yellow gold that looks like brown scrap metal… hey wait a minute! If this is slavery, then someone sign me up!
Also, if it’s “one of a kind” how do you get a matching pair, and how did this Coco wench (whoever she is) also obtain a pair?
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