Family Tithes
- This post originally appeared on Regretsy on June 3, 2011
At first I thought these were memorial collages, but the seller says they’re are also for people “who have been away from home a long time.” I don’t know about you, but when I’m away from home for a long time, I call. Sending candids with Jesus sounds like something Adrianne Curry would do on Twitter. OMG, look who I’m here with, LOL! We’re having a blast! Wish you were saved!
Still, I can see why you’d spend $59 to have a picture of you and Jesus. I mean whenever someone says, “Do you know Jesus?” you can say, “Know him? We’re BFFs! Look, here we are the water park!”
My only question is why stop with one? Doesn’t Jesus deserve to be in all your family photos? He did die for you and everything. Least you could do is have him over for burgers every once in a while.
I just bet you all would like to play along, wouldn’t you? Here are a couple of blanks so you can do just that. Feel free to find your own picture of the Man Upstairs if you don’t like the ones we’ve provided.
May 12, 2012 at 8:38 am
No family portraits to add–I just noticed that the bread-clutching Jesus has watery eyes, like he’s been weeping for your unsaved soul or chopping onions.
Probably the latter since the bread shows us he’s getting dinner together.
May 12, 2012 at 8:46 am
Perhaps it’s onion bread
May 12, 2012 at 9:50 am
He’s making a lasagne – for One. (points up)
May 12, 2012 at 8:45 am
Family portrait? I think so, clearly their parents made them do this.
May 13, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Does it mean I am going to hell if this picture reminds me of that The Aristocrats joke? (and movie)
May 12, 2012 at 8:55 am
I’m more interested in hearing about last night.
May 12, 2012 at 9:09 am
Is it wrong that I laughed at the water slide one?
Yeah, I’m going to go to hell for laughing…dibs on the condo by the lake of fire!
May 12, 2012 at 9:23 am
I wonder where that puts me, since I was laughing hysterically, seeing all of them…
May 12, 2012 at 10:10 am
Eh, don’t worry about it. You’ll have the rest of us to keep you company in that corner of hell.
May 12, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Considering how popular Regretsy is, I think we’ve got more than a corner of Hell reserved for us now. We probably have our own special lake of fire!
May 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm
And it’s filled with new, vintage, primitive, steampunk, tribal swag.
May 12, 2012 at 9:18 am
I’m surprised she could put a coherent post together this morning…….
May 12, 2012 at 9:21 am
April either has amazing super powers, or this was already scheduled.
I’m going with amazing superpowers.
May 12, 2012 at 10:01 am
it’s a re-post.
tho she is pretty magical.
May 12, 2012 at 9:43 am
May 12, 2012 at 9:57 am
Mmm, Jesusy taste!
May 12, 2012 at 9:48 am
I had some great shots of Jesus getting a Hula lesson at a Luau in Hawaii, but I was drunk and left the lens cap on.
May 12, 2012 at 9:53 am
I call bullshit! Jesus would never pose with Goofy! He’s more of a Daffy Duck fan.
May 12, 2012 at 9:53 am
Ok, I couldn’t resist.
May 12, 2012 at 10:32 am
I am going to break my mouse button thumbing all these photos up.
May 12, 2012 at 10:00 am
OMG has it REALLY been almost a year since we sent everyone home with Jesus? This one had me in hysterics, and I can see already that the FJL’s aren’t going to let me down in the revisit!
May 12, 2012 at 10:11 am
May 12, 2012 at 10:13 am
May 12, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Take thee and smoke, for this is my bong.
May 12, 2012 at 10:39 am
May 12, 2012 at 12:39 pm
I need more thumbs!
May 12, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I regret that I have only one thumb to give…
May 12, 2012 at 10:13 am
Last year when this was posted, someone left a comment and a picture of Jesus with the New York Giants. I immediately printed it out and have it proudly displayed, to this day, on the wall by my desk at work. I believe this single act of fuckery helped the New York Giants to go on and win the Superbowl this year. To whomever did that, I give my sincere thanks.
May 12, 2012 at 10:16 am
May 12, 2012 at 10:19 am
Perfect! After all he WAS a carpenter. Only thing, I don’t think that robe would be allowed by OSHA standards.
May 12, 2012 at 10:34 am
Oh man, “carpentry” was so not where my mind jumped with that. Dang, Jesus, stop bogarting the Home Depot, someone else needs the wood.
May 12, 2012 at 10:43 am
Mine either. Mine went straight down the path to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!
May 12, 2012 at 12:03 pm
ummm….I see what you did there with those nails and that hammer…
May 12, 2012 at 1:49 pm
All I can think of is “Get off the cross! We can use the wood.”
At least HE got off the cross so maybe he’s going to give us the wood?
May 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Cue “I Don’t Know How to Love Him.”
May 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm
*giggles at “give us the wood” *
May 12, 2012 at 9:33 pm
Another unemployed carpenter in front of Home Depot.
May 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm
Named Jesus.
May 13, 2012 at 3:35 pm
My husband had to get something for a church weekend – and we actually went to home depot for nails… to symbolize the crucifixion. Good to know Jesus would’ve done the same.
May 12, 2012 at 10:24 am
Thank You Helen, for providing me with an out, that I was unaware of.
Just yesterday I was thinking of this exact post when my “churchy” coworker asked me if I would like to spend a day reading the bible with her. I had responded, “Maybe. Would you mind if we did it at the water park?” Turns out that she follows her religion to the point of “skin is sin”. And she declined my offer on her offer.
Bless You Helen,
Bitch Pudding
Btw- I am trying to get a pic of the billboard for the water park for everyone to enjoy.
May 12, 2012 at 10:29 am
May 12, 2012 at 10:29 am
ok i made a pic while drinking my saturday morning coffee, can’t think of a better way to start my weekend. But one problem, I have never posted anythign here evah and do not know how to post my pic, help?
May 12, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Just copy the tag below the edit window while posting that says img src, including the triangle brackets, and put the url for your image between the quotes
May 13, 2012 at 9:47 am
Here’s what it should look like (with your image URL where it says “yourphoto.com”):
You cannot post your photo directly on here from your computer, so first you have to upload it somewhere online (like photobucket.com). When you’ve done that, right-click your image and select “copy image location” to get the URL.
You’ll also want to click “Preview” before posting to make sure it’s showing up correctly and not too big or small.
May 12, 2012 at 11:04 am
What the hell is Jesus wearing on his feet in the third picture with the dog?
May 12, 2012 at 11:15 am
They look like Tevas. REI was probably having a sale.
May 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm
This is why I checked the comments. Maybe they’re Birkenstocks. That hippy.
May 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm
I don’t know, but to me he looks as if he’s reacting to the dog breaking wind.
May 12, 2012 at 11:22 am
This has got to be one of my all time favorite ‘shop contests. I’m fighting off a cold and seeing all the new Jesus pictures makes my tiny loser heart swell with pride (or possibly angina). I love you magnificent fuckers so much.
May 12, 2012 at 11:47 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 12, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Nah, I reckon you don’t and you’re just jealous that he has such nice friends.
May 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm
Dang, was thumbing you UP! But I missed. SORRY!
May 12, 2012 at 11:24 pm
Don’t worry, I’ve had thumbs end up in odd places before.
May 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm
So, you mean that Jesus does not hang out with people who try to love everyone equally – as Jesus taught? People who stand up for what they believe in? People who fight inequality? People who want to end oppression, torture, and war? Yeah, Jesus fucking HATES those people.
Jesus “hangs” with the best and the worst of us. Even those of us who don’t believe. You know why? He’s cool like that.
~Non-Christian Libertarian
I don’t dig Obama’s politics, but I love his message and the fact that he tries to live up to his own hype, even when it sucks. I’d have a beer with that guy.
May 12, 2012 at 12:42 pm
May 12, 2012 at 2:42 pm
I knew it! Jesus really was a Jedi! And those damn Mormons that came to my door to preach to me about him told me he wasn’t a Jedi. I guess they thought he was a Sith.
May 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm
No, the Mormons are right (weird sentence!).
It’s just an awesome robe convention.
May 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm
…if I actually make it to heaven, there had better be a fucking elevator. I’d rather go to hell than drag my fat ass up that many stairs.
May 12, 2012 at 1:57 pm
May 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm
hot cross bun in the oven?
May 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm
It shouldn’t be crusty, should it?
May 12, 2012 at 7:32 pm
Now that’s a yeast infection.
May 12, 2012 at 9:40 pm
He CAUGHT IT!
But I thought they were supposed to be purple.
And used for ping-pong.
May 13, 2012 at 10:34 am
Oh dear. When I saw this I remembered this post over at My Ob Said What?!?
Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?
May 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm
In-bread children?
May 14, 2012 at 5:40 pm
crap.
how did i violate TOU on photobucket?
hmmmm, wonder what did I did wrong…
May 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm
…wishing He would use a plate when breaking bread…
May 12, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Well, according to a creepy note that was given to me, along with a Victoria’s Secret gift card, by a strange customer, Jesus thinks I posess sexy (“Jesus thinks your sexy”), so I suppose we should get a pic together.
May 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Jesus should have finished his note to you. Jesus thinks your sexy…soul deserves salvation? Or Jesus thinks your sexy…enough for heathenism?
Spelling changes everything.
May 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm
It was actually Jesus thinks your sexy (contd on back) ass needs a thong!
May 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm
May 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm
I’m sad to only have one thumb to give.
May 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm
May 12, 2012 at 9:21 pm
May 12, 2012 at 10:23 pm
We were so excited to be seated to the left of the pantocrator, who knew he’d spend the whole game stealing nachos and beer…
May 13, 2012 at 10:55 am
May 13, 2012 at 10:04 pm
Hmmmm, is that not the mark of The Beast on the first 3 pictures? The end is nigh!
May 14, 2012 at 5:13 am
May 20, 2012 at 8:01 am
While I’ve been reading regretsy ever since the day I tried to go to aprilwinchell.com, got redirected, and said “buh, wut?”, I hadn’t ever quite been arsed to create an account until now.
Which I have done just to say “thank you” for this… masterpiece.
Thank you!
May 14, 2012 at 7:57 am
Okay, y’all, how do you post a photo?
May 14, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Just a family swim… not everybody got into the spirit of the thing…
June 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm
I love the first photo
Jesus: what’s the matter, Grandma?
Grandma: Oh, nothing… I mean, this is nice and all, but I kind of thought heaven to be less… boring…
Jesus: It’s not so bad. There are some slightly fluffier clouds in the east wing. Why don’t you go check it out. I think you’ll like it.
Grandma: sigh… okay. Wish I’d brought a magazine…