PETJA PALOOZA!
PETJA PALOOZA, BITCHES
It’s finally here!
Tonight, over 200 fat jealous losers will converge on a New York Chinese restaurant staffed by drag queens in a cross-cultural celebration of fuckery, Finland and fried rice. And of course, nothing good will come of it.
Bronc and I have been here all week preparing for the big event, and when I say preparing, I mean doing jack shit. The important thing is that we hired someone else to do everything, and that has allowed us to focus on the important business of drinking. So we’ve got that under control.
One of the many delights in store for attendees this evening is a gift bag of majestic proportions. The bag is filled with over 40 insane pieces of fuckery, from Regretsy lollipops to custom sex toys from our friends at Extreme Restraints. As Mark Twain once said, “It wouldn’t be Chinese food without vibrating cock rings!”*
* Might actually be Maya Angelou
And speaking of extreme, look who we had lunch with yesterday!
Yes, our own beloved Petja is here in NYC, fresh from the herring-laden shores of Suomi!
We’re happy to report that New York is just as fascinated by this Finn-stud as we are. In fact, we were only able to walk about half a block before stunned onlookers stopped to take pictures of the Grandmaster Flash of Helsinki, resplendent in red knee socks and walking stick.
And just to make it all that much more exciting, Petja and I spent the afternoon autographing 100 books and 200 postcards for all of you who donated to his travel fund!
Here we are, signing postcards. You can see a stack of them next to me on the table.
I thought it was important to show you photographic proof of this event, because housekeeping managed to throw away all 200 postcards this afternoon. Fortunately, they left the styrofoam cups full of two-day old coffee on the desk, so at least we have that going for us. Look for those on Ebay later this week.
In any case, here are some important pieces of information for those of you coming to Petja Palooza tonight:
• 5:00 PM: The bar opens and the X-rated balloon man arrives. We suggest you bring cash for your drinks so the restaurant doesn’t have to process 200 credit cards.
MAKE SURE YOU BRING YOUR TICKET!
• 6:00 PM: Dinner is served. Insane drag show commences.
• 9:00 PM: Get the fuck out.
I’m told that there is a special treat in the works for one of the FJLs involving a lap dance, but you didn’t hear it from me.
See you tonight!
May 11, 2012 at 8:28 am
I am there. If my employers don’t fuck it up and make me stay late to file TPS reports. If that happens, the water cooler is going to be yellow on Monday.
May 11, 2012 at 8:38 am
That’s when you throw the TPS reports on the floor and run.
May 11, 2012 at 8:41 am
Yeah, that’s probably what will happen. I don’t foresee a problem, at the very worst I might show up a little late, I hope nobody notices.
I also hope that Petja and Mrs., and the Killer/Drywall family are enjoying my city. Like most New Yorkers, I am a surly piece of shit on the surface but I really do want visitors to have a great time here. Hopefully they have not been swayed by the handbag handbag handbag guys on Canal Street, or the mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms guys in Washington Square Park.
May 11, 2012 at 11:40 am
I hope they encounter the skunk and pink gorilla guys who play bass and xylophone in the Times Square subway station.
May 11, 2012 at 12:38 pm
I think we need a picture of our Helen with Helen A.S. Popkin and the guy in the Elmo suit that she’s so afraid of.
May 11, 2012 at 9:29 am
I can’t see “TPS reports” without thinking of this. I hope I can embed it correctly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy3rjQGc6lA
If not, I guess you’ll just have to cut and past into your browser window. Please forgive me if this violates Regretsy protocol!
May 11, 2012 at 10:17 am
I have never been fatter or jealouser.
This evening I will be taking 30 teen-aged twatwaffles to see The Avengers. Stone cold sober.
May 11, 2012 at 12:28 pm
I gave you a pity thumb. Though – the movie kicked ass. ALSO – stay through the ENTIRE credits. Trust me, it’s totally worth it…
May 11, 2012 at 11:34 pm
shwarma!
May 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm
PetjaPalooza, I am in you.
May 11, 2012 at 8:29 am
The only feeling I have right now is a deep, burning jealousy down in my fat pit of loserdom because I can’t be there.
Ah well, we all need something to tell our shrinks.
May 11, 2012 at 9:01 am
i am one supremely jealous FJL.
May 11, 2012 at 1:26 pm
I’m the fattest and loseriest there is, I’m sure I can outfat and outloser all of you! I hate living in the Midwest!
May 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm
I’m fine – I totally had an orchestra rehearsal to go to anyway. I wouldn’t want to miss that, y’know?
May 11, 2012 at 8:31 am
aww man! definitely fat & jealous right now. possibly loserish too, but definitely the first two.
May 11, 2012 at 8:31 am
No one but you guys understands why I am extra bummed out this morning. My real life friends are like “Pet-who-what?” And then I slap them with a herring I purchased for this exact purpose.
May 11, 2012 at 9:49 am
My friends are all, oooooh, what a cute usb drive! Where did it come from? But then the story is too full of awesome for them to grasp. Ya just hadda be here, I guess.
May 11, 2012 at 10:04 am
I try to tell people about anything that goes on at this site and their eyes start to glaze over.
May 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm
what happens on regretsy stays on regretsy. if only for the fact that no one else understands it.
May 12, 2012 at 11:51 am
I’ve been trying to get my boyfriend interested in Regretsy for a while now. It’s just his type of humor so I don’t understand why he doesn’t get it.
I think he might have come close when I was explaining why I was making the swag bag goodies but half way through his eyes started to glaze over too.
May 11, 2012 at 8:32 am
I am jealous of all you FJLs who will be there, basking in the glory of Finland and alcohol. In related news, our Sophie’s vet bills have finally launched her into the purebred category money-wise. Here’s hoping it’s not kidney failure.
May 11, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I’ve been there with the vet bills and the not knowing. Sending good thoughts your way.
May 11, 2012 at 8:32 am
Petja Palooza will SUCK…because I’m not there. At least that’s what I’m telling myself, over and over.
Actually, my money is so tight at the moment that I almost had a nervous breakdown last night when a traffic-camera ticket came in the mail. It’s $150, not bad on the cosmic scale, but it’ll have to wait a few weeks…
May 11, 2012 at 9:04 am
That’s actually not too bad. I got a camera ticket for running a red light that refused to turn green after several minutes of sitting there on a deserted road at 3:30 on a Sunday morning.. I’d been forced awake at that ungodly hour to drive my dick ex to the airport. 400 bucks plus online traffic school.
May 11, 2012 at 10:18 am
I would have fought that.. that is ridiculous. I once had a 30.00 ticket cost me 100.00 – the other 70.00? I kid you not when I tell you this… it was a “processing fee”
Oh and I am also incredible jealous and fat … because I wont bet there… *sighs* .. .but at least I can know I’m not a loser because I contributed to the travel fund. Have fun in NYC you glorious bastards!
May 11, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Aaack! I just went in to court today to look sad and sorry to get them to take the points off my ticket for running a red light. I gave them $160, they took off the points. NEGOTIATE!
May 11, 2012 at 7:53 pm
That’s why I did the online traffic school. No points if I took the class.
And anyway, it would have been hard for me to negotiate in court. I got the ticket during SDCC in San Diego, which is a good two hour drive from where I actually live.
May 11, 2012 at 11:35 am
Holy crap. That’s almost as much as our vet bill last week!
May 11, 2012 at 8:41 am
I’m going to make the Disabled Guy dress in drag and cook dinner tonight. SO I CAN PRETEND I’M THERE WITH YOU!
May 11, 2012 at 9:08 am
I’d pay to see that. OK, not really, but still…
You know, I have Wisconsin at my house right now and it’s not you. How is this right?
May 11, 2012 at 10:00 am
Tell Wisconsin that Wisconsin says hello. Also, I have Gregg the Girl Dog and that Wisconsin doesn’t.
ALSO- CHUNKY BOYFRIEND!
May 11, 2012 at 11:15 am
I heart this chunky handsome devil.
May 11, 2012 at 11:45 am
Bruno- the Chunky Boyfriend to DucksNew- in his usual, non-action form.
May 11, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Ahh, my chunky boyfriend. So sleek and speedy. As he runs in slow motion.
May 11, 2012 at 7:08 pm
I hadn’t even thought of that…..off to tell hubby the good news, brb! *skips away gleefully*
May 11, 2012 at 7:09 pm
hmmm, not sure if my comment would make sense way down here. To clarify, I’m of to request my husband to dress in drag for me. I’m hoping for a lap dance as well.
May 11, 2012 at 8:47 am
APRIL YOU TEASING BITCH! Why aren’t you live streaming this event? It’s like the moon landing, only with latex erections and glitter!!!
May 11, 2012 at 10:13 am
That is quite easily arranged, since its WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING, which is actually why I won’t be at Petja Palooza, but pro sports take precedence.
(sigh)
May 11, 2012 at 10:19 am
You arrange moon landings with latex erections and glitter for a living?! Damn, I wouldn’t even know how to apply for that job!
May 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm
only when broadcasting Bieto directed operas…then latex and glitter tend to rule. and large bees for some reason.
May 11, 2012 at 10:20 am
I thought Drinking with Petja and HK was a professional sport… definitely not for the amateur liver that’s for sure.
May 11, 2012 at 7:12 pm
The moon landing SHOULD have had latex erections and glitter.
May 11, 2012 at 8:48 am
Have a great time, losers! We’ll be home, holding down the fat jealous fort.
May 11, 2012 at 8:51 am
You had me at Extreme Restraints. (Ironically, so did my ex-boyfriend! …only in a way more degrading way….)
I can’t believe I’m missing out. It’s like Christmas, the one I celebrate only in my dreams.
May 11, 2012 at 8:58 am
I hate you all!*
*Not really, I’m just insanely jealous and am pouting because I won’t be there.
May 11, 2012 at 9:03 am
I can’t tell you how pouty I am that I didn’t get my swag in the mail for the swag bags. There needs to be another meetup because otherwise, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with 400 hand stamped pencils… Still pushing for Reno. There isn’t enough fuckery around here and quite frankly, when there is, we do not govern ourselves accordingly. Mayhem.
May 11, 2012 at 9:13 am
*coughhackwheeze*
Too sick to come. But I want you to all have a good time. SO:
If taking trains and buses, check here: http://mta.info/
The MTA creates most of their own delay drama, so they post the most updated info. Use the trip-planner, it really helps.
Google Maps are integrated with MTA train lines: click on a blue M and the subway lines appear! Also, street view is very helpful for “prewalking” from the subway to your location.
Finally, Remedy Diner! A well-known all-hours diner, a great place to kill off a hangover or kill time over a huge plate of food.the name is not an accident. Very popular with the fetish crowd, I am told.
For the weekend, check out this for free and cheap things to do: http://www.theskint.com/
Paint the town Goetse, you assholes! Have a glorious time!
May 11, 2012 at 9:26 am
We are here RIGHT NOW IN Knitibranch’s hotel room waiting for Beeby
May 11, 2012 at 9:44 am
I had no idea one room could contain that much awesomeness.
May 12, 2012 at 7:33 am
By the time Beeby arrived (in a car CRAMMED FULL OF FJLs), the room could no longer contain everyone – so we had to move to the lobby…
May 11, 2012 at 10:42 am
I want a picture of this moment of beauty.
May 11, 2012 at 11:16 am
You have a beautiful day for it. Go outside and flip off some asshole hipsters. Take pictures.
May 11, 2012 at 9:31 am
Have no idea how to deal with not being there. Oh wait. I think there’s still a half-bottle of Smirnoff’s somewhere, maybe in the dryer.
May 11, 2012 at 9:32 am
Next time come to Canada!X3
May 11, 2012 at 7:19 pm
Yes, please, Canada! Except, I can’t afford travel and a hotel room so it has to be in my province, Nova Scotia! I don’t ask for much, do I?
May 11, 2012 at 9:57 pm
No, no…come to Calgary, Alberta during the annual city-wide bacchanal called The Stampede. the sheer amount of poorly thought out choices that occur is mind melting. You could make fun of people to utter contentment.
May 11, 2012 at 9:33 am
luckies!
May 11, 2012 at 9:40 am
Oh, fuck, I can’t stand it! It is tonite! And I”M GOING!!!! I am actually LEAVING MY APARTMENT AND GOING OUT!!! (The introvert in me is writhing in horror, the rest of me is falling apart in ecstacy)
May 11, 2012 at 10:23 am
Pics or it didnt happen
Have a great time for all of us FJL’s that cant be there.
May 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm
I have a pile of fucking awesome shots, I was close enough to rub my ball sack on the stage. They will be in the forums, fuckers.
May 11, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
I’m going alone. Who wants to partner up? I need some kind of wingman/whatever is the equivalent of “beard” for introverts.
-longtime reader, first time poster
May 12, 2012 at 4:27 am
I love how you got an avatar that matches your name so well.
May 11, 2012 at 7:15 pm
I can be introverted at times, liquor usually takes care of that. Lots and lots of liquor.
May 11, 2012 at 9:52 am
I do hope you stopped by the Etsy offices with Petja in that outfit!
May 11, 2012 at 9:57 am
They’d just sign up an overseas “collective” to churn out the outfits in “handmade” dozens. They don’t deserve Petja.
May 11, 2012 at 10:24 am
I think all of us who can’t go should have a Who Is Fattest And Jealousist contest while this glorious fuckery is going on just beyond our grasp. Enter photographic proof of exactly how our evenings sucked codballs.
May 11, 2012 at 10:38 am
Or live stream from one of our drunk pathetic alternate activities.
May 11, 2012 at 11:54 am
I’ll try to get a shot of one of the “exotic birds*” the party I have to work at tonight claims will be there.
*Only awesome if you aren’t an employee.
May 11, 2012 at 10:34 am
“Grandmaster Flash of Helsinki”
one of those little things Helen says that leaves me laughing for literally days. OHMYGOD
hahah
May 11, 2012 at 11:22 am
If only I didn’t have to work tonight serving people cocktails and tiny food approximately 40 blocks away! Have fun!
May 11, 2012 at 11:24 am
Thank God it’s nice outside, my boss decided to start summer Fridays today which means I’ll get there in time to get drunk before dinner! Can’t wait to see all you FJLs there!
May 11, 2012 at 11:26 am
Aaaaw, have fun. I’m moving in a new swiss flat today (with amazing neighbors who leave their wifi open) and I’m trying to talk myself into cleaning and unpacking. So drinking is out of the question
On second thought though…
May 11, 2012 at 11:31 am
Finally! Something interesting is happening in New York. Can’t wait!
May 11, 2012 at 11:45 am
Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but can someone explain to me the obsession with Finland? I get that this guy is interesting, but why does that make Finland instantly cool and worthy of all the attention it gets on Regretsy?
May 11, 2012 at 11:54 am
If I remember correctly, when Helen checked to see where visitors to this website were coming from, Finland came in like second or third for number of visitors. Naturally, this piqued her curiosity about why FINLAND loved Regretsy so much. So she started researching Finland, and she discovered a Finnish website that showed people from Finland dressing, well, in their own interesting ways. That’s where she found pictures of Petja. The rest, as they say, is history.
I know, I know, it’s not nearly as entertaining when I tell it.
May 11, 2012 at 12:10 pm
That about sums it up but Scrappy, to be a true FJL, grab this link and go back through time. It well worth it!
http://www.regretsy.com/?s=finland
Only thing missing is any reference to Johanna Tukiainen for which I am eternally grateful.
May 11, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Thanks for the explanations! No need to thumbs-down me, I was just asking a question, no making any judgements.
May 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Don’t worry about the thumbs. Some people don’t get it.
May 11, 2012 at 11:52 am
Somehow, this reminds me of having a friendly amount of Bourbon and *starting to watch Babylon 5 halfway through season two: WHAT THE? wow. can’t get there from here. bah.
May 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm
*jealous*
Have a drink for me, guys!
May 11, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Reading about Petja Paloosa has somehow caused my right eye to twitch uncontrollably. I can’t read the details again, Might lead to a seizure! I am fatter & jealoser than usual cuz I’ll miss all the fun! But alas, I am truly a loser tonight.
May 11, 2012 at 12:24 pm
As a near-recluse I wasn’t feeling too jealous at first but my jealousy has been growing and is now at an all time high!
Have fun, bitches!
May 11, 2012 at 12:24 pm
I expect a luridly detailed report on what happens after 9 pm when everybody has to “Get the fuck out”.
May 11, 2012 at 12:31 pm
It wouldn’t be hard to live stream the event. Just open a Ustream account and hope you have a phone signal inside the club.
May 11, 2012 at 12:46 pm
Aw, I resigned myself a long time back to the fact that I couldn’t get to this. I (and for that matter, my husband) just can’t nip out to the opposite coast that easily. The Bay area, on the other hand… (HINT HINT)
[Which reminds me: I suspect Etsy will set up a booth at San Mateo's Maker Faire like they did last year. Anything you want me to ask them/tell them/give them?]
Petja is one fine dandy, he is.
May 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm
My friend (in real life, not just online) Princess Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle is on her way. Can’t wait for her recap, and to squeal over the goody bag!
May 12, 2012 at 7:38 am
HOLY SHIT I figured out who you are by your screen name. I GOT YOU TO DE-LURK!!!!!
Now I suppose I’m going to have to POST SOMETHING (besides my Flickr set http://www.flickr.com/photos/77398450@N02/sets/72157629677810774/ )
May 12, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Thank you for this breath of fresh air!!
I was starting to wonder how come nobody had posted yet. Although I guess I knew the answer.
May 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm
So they threw away your postcards, but not your old coffee? Are we sure that maid isn’t an angry Etsy supporter?
May 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm
I wouldn’t be surprised to see the autographs on sale on ebay in the next couple of days
May 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm
lap dances must be filmed…ESPECIALLY if Petja is performing them!
May 11, 2012 at 2:46 pm
April, how you’re able to resist just ripping your clothes off and throwing yourself on Petja is a mystery to me.
Unless of course his wife is even more badass and can kill you with her brain.
May 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm
You know, for the rest of the Fat Jealous Losers unable to attend, could you please at least show what you got in the goody bags? I am curious about those customized sex toys from Extreme Restraints.
Though you don’t have to, it probably won’t help and just make me more jealous…
May 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm
But..But…but Extreme Restraints doesn’t have an Etsy Shop! *grin*
May 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Wow… This is what I get for not checking the site for a few weeks. I live literally a few blocks away, but no ticket. ((
If I just show up scratching at the front door, what are the odds some kind soul might let me in?
May 11, 2012 at 3:59 pm
This started an hour ago. There are already reports of liquor shortages across the metro area and the pollen count has been replaced by the glitter count.
I’m picking up dry cleaning in Atlanta.
May 11, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Can you grab mine while you are at it? I’m in Alpharetta!
May 11, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I work off Exit 9. I was up there earlier.
BTW, I love your green leather top hat. I have no idea what I’d do with it (as a man who wears a 7 5/8), but it’s adorable.
May 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm
I’m watching the Mariners play the Yankees on tv, so I kinda sorta feel like I’m there.
Except not really.
Have a hoot, you guys, I can’t wait to read the stories.
May 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm
It’s 7:54 p.m. All you FJLs are probably stuffing dollars in the g-strings of gorgeous drag queens. Whilst I just heard a voice and got excited that perhaps one of my neighbors was dropping by–turned out to be my anti-virus updating and letting me know. Thanks Avast, nice to hear from you!
May 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Sad I wasn’t able to go. I’m still here in OSCal & I’m going to the local gay leather bar and having a drink in yours honors.
Well, wait. Eff it _ I’ll just ahve a drank & thungk of you somewheeEEE!!!!.
May 11, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Get the bar bootblack to shine your boots so they glimmer better that Petja’s cute little shoes.
May 11, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Is there such a thing as a “straight leather bar”?
May 12, 2012 at 7:40 am
Possibly a biker bar. But I’m sure they’re not all straight either.
May 11, 2012 at 10:08 pm
Man, every time I see picture of Petja, all I can think is one word: “SWAG”
May 11, 2012 at 10:47 pm
best I’m looking forward to is a trip to Asian Buffet Saturday and to the movies to see Dark Shadows with my best friend and my sister. Though I am looking forward to riding my sister there on my Burgman Scoot, told her she was my biker bitch for the day.
May 13, 2012 at 9:06 am
There’s no way you can find that many signed postcards and mistake them for trash. I would have thrown a fit at the front desk! They were obviously stolen. I’d demand compensation and camera footage. There must be clues as to who took them! You can’t sneak that many out. Augh!
May 15, 2012 at 6:25 am
Mannnnnnnnn…I missed it.