Put some on your toes!
I may try that on my end toes to scare the shit out of my 4yo who keeps sneaking in bed with us.
Nothing like Mommy’s penis toenails scratching her under the covers to keep her in her own bed at night.
I’m guessing the original equipment was a little too heavy so all the blacks opted for the inter-racial penile juxtaposition surgery. you know what they say; white is light. (paraphrasing)
My husband likes to draw penises on the faces of neo-conservative politicians/columnists. He’s such an aficionado at this that I think it’s time I opened an Etsy shop for him. BTW there’s actually a book about penis graffitti in NYC called “New York Dick”. I bought it for my hubby for Christmas.
I want those. I would wear them when the boyfriend got back from his 2 month long European adventure he’s taking. When he got back I would whisper in his ear “I’ve had penises all over my hands while you were gone.” Because I am evil.
When my parents got married, my Mom wore fake nails to match her dress, but they wouldn’t come off. Three weeks later, while she was working as a typist in an accounting agency, her nails began flying off as she typed. One landed across the room, another took out a ceiling lamp.
Imagine how much more uncomfortable better that story would have been with penis nails.
Ooooooh…penis nails AND baked goods, yummy! Wonder if she has a food handler’s license. Seems to me she has more than one “fetish” she forgot to list in her profile.
In college I took life drawing. There was one person in the class who pretty much drew the male mode’s–ahem–manhood all over the sheet of paper he had. It’s scary to think this person may have evolved into nails.
I’ve got to ask: why don’t the penises match the skin tone of the body?
That irked me too. Either she needs a better technique, or is just lazy. Even if you’ve never been with a particular ethnicity there’s plenty o’ porn out there.
I’m confused by the mix of orientations…are we to assume that the men are lying down? Or are some nails for the wearer’s enjoyment and some for others to see? But I always find disembodied genitals a little confusing – maybe it’s just me.
To clarify – I don’t meant to say that there are stacks of penises in my freezer – perhaps “photographs of disembodied genitals” would be better? No? Ah, well.
SOLD! Take that, all those cupcakes who say being featured on Regretsy doesn’t mean sales. I think these are pretty cool, myself. And the listing is hilarious.
These would make an awesome record keeping system for documenting sexual partners (“ahh yes, this nail represents that guy I met that one time, nice size, decent girth, all around an OK guy, though slightly crooked”)…although some hos are gonna need more fingers.
i would wear these and scratch and dig in my asshole really hard so i get feces flakes up and on them…and then tell everyone i had rusty trombone fingers
I’ve never seen a black man naked, or really any man besides my husband, but part of me is fairly certain they don’t have bright pink penises. But who knows, maybe I’m wrong.
Oh my God! I’m finally on Regretsy!!! Oh man, I have so many people to thank! I should start with…Thank you to all the boners I’ve met, without you, these nails wouldn’t have been possible!!! )
I thoroughly adore these. I am generally not up for all that cheesy bachelorette party stuff, but I would put these on in a heartbeat, were it my special day (provided I had enough time to get them off before the wedding!).
I don’t usually click on the listening but I’m glad I did because I loved the lightening bolts you used to protect easy offended viewers. Spectacular use of Photoshop. If I didn’t tear my nails daily, I’d be placing a custom order. Good well done!
Look, the penis is a sacred body part and what makes a man a strong man. Men (and women) should respect the semen. They should use it to water plants and treat all kinds of skin ailments. This nail art makes the penis a joke and that makes me angry. It takes away from the sacred beauty of the schlong…
Is what would be said if crazy nutbags treated penises like some people (on etsy) treat vaginas.
May 10, 2012 at 9:32 am
I’ve been searching everywhere for the Mother’s Day gift. FINALLY.
May 10, 2012 at 9:43 am
Yes, these would be great for that Mother’s Day brunch. And boy, wouldn’t you have a special tip for your server!
May 10, 2012 at 9:44 am
I’m glad the seller does custom work. My mom’s a racist so it’s hard to find racially appealing penis nails for her.
May 10, 2012 at 9:58 am
Especially if you are expecting a large inheritance…
May 10, 2012 at 3:21 pm
scary thing is, my mom would probably wear them. she’d think they were “kooky”.
such is my life.
May 10, 2012 at 5:54 pm
I would wear the shit out of these on Mother’s Day, but I’m kind of a dick that way.
May 10, 2012 at 9:32 am
This takes fingering to a whole new level
May 10, 2012 at 8:34 pm
If you were a lesbian and wearing them when you were doing that, would that make you straight?
May 10, 2012 at 9:32 am
Perfect for giving a hand job.
May 10, 2012 at 9:32 am
Top, second from the left – major choad.
I haven’t seen so many crudely drawn penises since finishing school.
May 10, 2012 at 9:34 am
Wait, what? What did you finish in finishing school, honey child?
May 10, 2012 at 9:35 am
DUDE, I haven’t heard the word choad in FOREVA
May 10, 2012 at 9:55 am
They’re on the same artistic level as the “nude with backache” picture from Regretsy’s early days. Go look it up; I’ll be waiting right here.
May 10, 2012 at 10:01 am
Thanks, Vag—raced there and back, and was transported back to junior high study hall during said voyage.
May 10, 2012 at 11:00 am
I could never, ever forget that. Some things on Regretsy make me laugh and then I forget and move on. Some…don’t.
May 10, 2012 at 10:34 am
Speechless.
May 10, 2012 at 11:11 am
So does this mean your hangnails become HUNGNAILS!!
May 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm
Ehhh I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure I could take that artist down. Perhaps we should have a “Genitalia Draw Off”!!
I was going to say “Genitalia Off” but then thought it sounded like something COMPLETELY different…
May 10, 2012 at 8:42 pm
If there was a “Genitalia Off” – I’d come.
May 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm
I’m (reasonably) sure that Mr. Bobbit didn’t come during his own ”Genitalia Off” (too soon?)
May 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Should stop by where I work. The kids are always spray painting them on the back wall of the building.
May 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm
How could you tell he’s military?
May 10, 2012 at 9:34 am
On the top row, second nail from the right…are those poorly place nipple dots?
May 10, 2012 at 10:02 am
“Nipple Dots” = band name!
May 10, 2012 at 11:08 am
Nipple Dots … opening for Major Choad.
May 10, 2012 at 9:34 am
my only regret is I only have 10 fingers!
May 10, 2012 at 9:37 am
That’s why you get a second set for your toes. Crawling into bed with these babies on is the perfect anniversary gift.
May 10, 2012 at 11:07 am
Put some on your toes!
I may try that on my end toes to scare the shit out of my 4yo who keeps sneaking in bed with us.
Nothing like Mommy’s penis toenails scratching her under the covers to keep her in her own bed at night.
May 10, 2012 at 9:34 am
I like the diversity represented… except that all the wing-wangs are the same color…..
May 10, 2012 at 9:38 am
I didn’t know black dudes had light pink wing-wangs!
May 10, 2012 at 11:34 am
The only black male I’ve ever seen with a penis that pink was a German Shepherd.
May 10, 2012 at 11:35 am
^^referring to the right pinkie nail^^
May 10, 2012 at 9:39 am
I didn’t understand that, either. Has she never seen a real one? or did she just want them to stand out?
May 10, 2012 at 3:32 pm
They’ve got to stand out, you really want that “Penis in your face” look when you have dicks on your nails
May 10, 2012 at 9:45 am
I’m guessing the original equipment was a little too heavy so all the blacks opted for the inter-racial penile juxtaposition surgery. you know what they say; white is light. (paraphrasing)
May 10, 2012 at 9:34 am
well shit
I wish I had as much free time as this seller does
May 10, 2012 at 9:35 am
Nail her? I HARDly knew her.
May 10, 2012 at 9:36 am
I’ve spent years searching for the “optionally racist” emoticon. Thanks, weird penis nail seller! ;o)
May 10, 2012 at 3:33 pm
You’re SOO welcome!!
May 10, 2012 at 9:36 am
As least they’re racially inclusive?
May 10, 2012 at 9:37 am
They should also make contrasting penis extensions to match, with fake nails painted on them, for him.
May 10, 2012 at 9:38 am
I’d just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis.
Hey, if something like 8% of kids do it, I guess this seller isn’t alone.
May 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm
My husband likes to draw penises on the faces of neo-conservative politicians/columnists. He’s such an aficionado at this that I think it’s time I opened an Etsy shop for him. BTW there’s actually a book about penis graffitti in NYC called “New York Dick”. I bought it for my hubby for Christmas.
May 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm
That sounds like a direct quote from Superbad
May 10, 2012 at 1:56 pm
You are very wise, since it was.
May 10, 2012 at 9:41 am
I feel like this would be the perfect post-pregnancy gift for Snooki.
May 10, 2012 at 9:41 am
sure dickhands are great mother’s day presents, but what can you do with a vagina and a bolo tie?
May 10, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Oh dear. What can’t you do with a vagina and a bolo tie?
May 10, 2012 at 9:45 am
she also sell caramels and pretzel sticks….interesting….
May 11, 2012 at 2:14 am
Does she do gift baskets?
May 10, 2012 at 9:49 am
If I go black… Is there the option of going back?
May 10, 2012 at 9:57 am
Only “if you want to be racist!”
May 13, 2012 at 12:59 am
;o)
May 10, 2012 at 9:50 am
I think what disturbs me most is that she’s selling nail tips and baked goods in the same store.
May 10, 2012 at 3:34 pm
HAhah some people like caramel in their mouth…some people like boner nails…
May 10, 2012 at 9:50 am
I want those. I would wear them when the boyfriend got back from his 2 month long European adventure he’s taking. When he got back I would whisper in his ear “I’ve had penises all over my hands while you were gone.” Because I am evil.
May 10, 2012 at 11:02 am
But evil can be hawt. From a distance.
May 10, 2012 at 6:42 pm
And that’s when he whispers,
“Me too.”
May 10, 2012 at 9:51 am
I want them too. Even though my nails are awful.
May 10, 2012 at 9:53 am
I’m not sure I could ever wear these – I think I would feel too uncomfortable picking my nose.
May 10, 2012 at 11:10 am
I, on the other hand, would be all about KFC and other finger-lickin’ good foods.
May 10, 2012 at 11:30 am
I’m not sure I could ever wear these – I think I would feel too uncomfortable picking my nose.
“I can pick my nose with my choice of dicks” would be a real conversation-starter, though.
May 10, 2012 at 3:02 pm
When my parents got married, my Mom wore fake nails to match her dress, but they wouldn’t come off. Three weeks later, while she was working as a typist in an accounting agency, her nails began flying off as she typed. One landed across the room, another took out a ceiling lamp.
Imagine how much
more uncomfortablebetter that story would have been with penis nails.May 11, 2012 at 12:08 pm
That would’ve been quite a wedding dress as well.
May 10, 2012 at 9:54 am
Now I, too, can be Edward Penishands.
May 10, 2012 at 12:16 pm
That was a fucking funny flick.
May 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Why! Lol that’s funny as shit
May 10, 2012 at 9:59 am
I really need to start including “boner” in my gift idea search terms.
May 10, 2012 at 10:01 am
Ooooooh…penis nails AND baked goods, yummy! Wonder if she has a food handler’s license. Seems to me she has more than one “fetish” she forgot to list in her profile.
May 10, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Actually…I do have a food handler’s license!! Now ask me if I have a Penis handler’s license…!
May 10, 2012 at 10:06 am
I’m gonna make me a racist steampunk backscratcher with these beauties.
May 10, 2012 at 10:07 am
In college I took life drawing. There was one person in the class who pretty much drew the male mode’s–ahem–manhood all over the sheet of paper he had. It’s scary to think this person may have evolved into nails.
I’ve got to ask: why don’t the penises match the skin tone of the body?
May 10, 2012 at 10:22 am
Strap-ons?
May 10, 2012 at 1:02 pm
It makes me go back to that Renaissance Faire joke. What’s the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
May 10, 2012 at 10:41 am
That irked me too. Either she needs a better technique, or is just lazy. Even if you’ve never been with a particular ethnicity there’s plenty o’ porn out there.
May 10, 2012 at 3:35 pm
HAhah trust me, you don’t want these getting too real looking…trust me.
May 10, 2012 at 6:46 pm
The penis uncanny valley?
May 10, 2012 at 11:03 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 10, 2012 at 6:43 pm
THERE’S ALWAYS ONE.
In my class it was a chick. Which somehow makes it a little less weird and more depressing.
May 10, 2012 at 10:14 am
And we thought there were no new ways to get nailed.
May 10, 2012 at 10:15 am
I’m confused by the mix of orientations…are we to assume that the men are lying down? Or are some nails for the wearer’s enjoyment and some for others to see? But I always find disembodied genitals a little confusing – maybe it’s just me.
May 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm
I don’t think their “orientation” is anyone’s business but their own..
May 10, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Nails have all different orientations of men, but if you want to be homophobic you can specify a certain orientation ;o) HAhahahah!
May 10, 2012 at 10:16 am
To clarify – I don’t meant to say that there are stacks of penises in my freezer – perhaps “photographs of disembodied genitals” would be better? No? Ah, well.
May 10, 2012 at 10:16 am
This makes me glad to be a lesbian. No-one will ever give me these for my hen night.
May 10, 2012 at 10:17 am
SOLD! Take that, all those cupcakes who say being featured on Regretsy doesn’t mean sales. I think these are pretty cool, myself. And the listing is hilarious.
Can a sister get a relist?!?!
May 10, 2012 at 11:26 am
If the free gift is a pretzel, somebody’s going to be *very* disappointed.
May 10, 2012 at 10:23 am
Come on, these are excellent Justin Bieber portraits.
Wait a minute…
May 10, 2012 at 10:33 am
This should be a new feature on Regretsy. Swap the titles with the products being offered and see if anyone can tell the damn difference.
May 10, 2012 at 10:28 am
Somehow related. But not really.
May 10, 2012 at 10:31 am
These would make an awesome record keeping system for documenting sexual partners (“ahh yes, this nail represents that guy I met that one time, nice size, decent girth, all around an OK guy, though slightly crooked”)…although some hos are gonna need more fingers.
May 10, 2012 at 10:38 am
Yeah, I’m still carving notches in the bedpost, ugh. Still, if you run out of fingers we could always make some into charm bracelet links.
May 10, 2012 at 10:38 am
And there should be a numerical placement of that guy’s all around performance based upon which finger he gets painted on.
No one wants to be the pinky.
May 10, 2012 at 10:45 am
I like the way you think…”Guess who is number 1??? You are! That’s why you’re on my number 1 finger!”
May 10, 2012 at 10:50 am
Then there’s the second tier that ends up on your toes.
May 10, 2012 at 11:06 am
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May 10, 2012 at 11:41 am
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May 10, 2012 at 11:12 am
I’d request a likeness of the ex for my right middle finger. Seems appropriate.
May 10, 2012 at 10:39 am
These are racist against pudgy white freckled people!
How can my finger nails be racially diverse without freckled or yellow dicks?
May 10, 2012 at 10:55 am
I agree that they are racist. Didn’t anyone else notice that all the “big” finger tips have a black or brown penis? Stereotyping!!
May 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm
I seed brown bodies but no brown pe-nees! Lol.
May 10, 2012 at 10:55 am
Well THANK GOD I can specify skin colour! I mean, showing up with black penises on my nails at the Sunday Klan Picnic would be soooo embarassing!
May 10, 2012 at 10:59 am
I’m imagining wearing these to church, particular the part when you say “peace be with you” and shake hands!
May 10, 2012 at 11:00 am
Also awesome when getting Communion.
May 10, 2012 at 11:45 am
Don’t be surprised if someone slips up and says “…and peen be with you.”
May 10, 2012 at 11:09 am
Cards Against Humanity almost anticipated this by including an answer card reading “Penis hands.”
But I don’t see a tip on even one of those boners. I’m confused!
May 10, 2012 at 11:17 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 10, 2012 at 11:51 am
yeah, you went too far with that one. Wayyy too far
May 10, 2012 at 11:31 am
It’s like Viagra for your fingers!
May 10, 2012 at 11:50 am
Ok, which one of you cupcakes bought them?
May 10, 2012 at 10:38 pm
Actually THREE cupcakes bought them!! ;o)
May 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm
The little scrotum hairs really just tie the whole look together.
May 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm
They appear to be ALL circumcised…
…it’s been a while since we’ve had a debate on the merits of genital mutilation here…
anyone?
May 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm
What, no redhead option? Sigh.
May 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Top left – reminds me of those oranges with the cloves stuck in them that people used to make for Christmas.
May 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Yeah I dated the chick that makes these. I was the model for the first one.
May 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Wear them and poke anyone in the ear who uses the phrase, “My virgin ears!”
May 11, 2012 at 11:00 am
This deserves wayyyyy more thumbs. Kudos to you!
May 10, 2012 at 1:01 pm
I wonder if she will make an alternative set with a mega schlong that stretches across all the fingers.
May 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm
I totally will
)
May 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm
What about different kinds of animal peen?
May 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm
I might have to do some research and field work…but I think if we put our *heads* together we could figure it out
May 10, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Not likely to deter thumb suckers.
May 10, 2012 at 1:32 pm
I’ve never seen a black man naked, or really any man besides my husband, but part of me is fairly certain they don’t have bright pink penises. But who knows, maybe I’m wrong.
May 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Most boners glow in the dark like a neon night light. Something must be wrong with your husband’s junk
May 10, 2012 at 4:59 pm
If it’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
May 10, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Something must be wrong with the lighting in here.
May 10, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Fantastic. Now I can proudly say that every day my fingers have been around ten different penises.
May 10, 2012 at 2:02 pm
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May 10, 2012 at 3:41 pm
May 10, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Leave those on your fingernails for a week and they’ll even replicate the smell!
May 10, 2012 at 5:01 pm
But can you change the size of the smell?
May 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm
Oh my God! I’m finally on Regretsy!!! Oh man, I have so many people to thank! I should start with…Thank you to all the boners I’ve met, without you, these nails wouldn’t have been possible!!!
)
May 10, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Congrats, clarabellen! Anyone who’s complaining about their being crudely drawn has clearly never tried to paint something on a canvas that small.
May 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm
These gave me a good laugh, which I really needed this morning.
What about blue dongs for racist avatar fans?
May 10, 2012 at 5:17 pm
Hmmm I should look into that. Know any Avatar’s willing to pose naked for me??
May 10, 2012 at 8:36 pm
I know that Avatar Aang had blue arrows tattooed on his head, and down his arms and legs, but I doubt he had one on his dick as well…
May 10, 2012 at 10:40 pm
I’d like to find out…but I think that would make me a pedo…someone ask Katara!!
May 10, 2012 at 6:03 pm
I thoroughly adore these. I am generally not up for all that cheesy bachelorette party stuff, but I would put these on in a heartbeat, were it my special day (provided I had enough time to get them off before the wedding!).
May 10, 2012 at 6:33 pm
I don’t usually click on the listening but I’m glad I did because I loved the lightening bolts you used to protect easy offended viewers. Spectacular use of Photoshop. If I didn’t tear my nails daily, I’d be placing a custom order. Good well done!
May 10, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Derp. Job well done!
May 10, 2012 at 8:45 pm
good well done = good job / job well done ?
May 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm
i don’t know of any men who would appreciate the words “silly” and “penis” used right up against each other.
May 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Helen! Why do you show me these things when I can’t afford them?
May 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm
I may not be racist but this is size discrimination…
May 10, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Look, the penis is a sacred body part and what makes a man a strong man. Men (and women) should respect the semen. They should use it to water plants and treat all kinds of skin ailments. This nail art makes the penis a joke and that makes me angry. It takes away from the sacred beauty of the schlong…
Is what would be said if crazy nutbags treated penises like some people (on etsy) treat vaginas.
May 10, 2012 at 5:54 pm
I’ll be watching for these. If my wife is wearing them, I’ll know it’s Handjob Night.
May 10, 2012 at 6:09 pm
I love it when “mature” is used to describe items with crudely drawn genitalia on them.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
May 10, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Etsy makes you add that word to the listing if you have anything like this posted
)
On the listing, if you look, I wrote, “IM*Mature Listing”
)
May 10, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Get used to disappointment.
May 10, 2012 at 8:48 pm
… twelve?
May 11, 2012 at 4:18 am
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May 11, 2012 at 9:26 am
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