Pretty On The Outside
- This post originally appeared on Regretsy on May 1, 2011
Every woman is rad. It’s true. That’s why everyone loves Ann Coulter. She has a vagina. She doesn’t use it, but she has one. The point is, just having a vagina makes you awesome. Sometimes we forget how awesome we are, so we need to look at our panties. Except sometimes they say “MONDAY” on them, and then we get confused.
May 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm
It’s like a roadmap in kitch for all the men out there who can’t find a clitoris.
May 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm
And you know how men hate stopping to ask for directions. I’m not sure that’s a very accurate map, though.
May 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm
as a (gay) man it isn’t so much that I need a map to find it… really, I don’t even drive through that neighbourhood…
May 5, 2012 at 4:14 pm
I know what ya’ mean.
When I hear “bush”, “map”, and “slut”, it never occurred to me that a woman is giving directions to a guy, like these panties imply.
Rather, I think of looking for the nearest park to go cruising FOR OTHER GUYS.
May 5, 2012 at 9:37 pm
bHrebear I would like your comment, but it’s currently at 69 likes. I don’t want to mess with that.
May 5, 2012 at 9:46 pm
Holy crap, you’re GAY??!!!
May 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm
The clitoris would be better as a Swarovski crystal. It would have upped the kitsch factor *and* underscored the idea that *this* is what men should be looking for!
May 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Hmm. I’ve spent a lot of time polishing DW’s, uh, “crystal”, and it’s never sparkeld like Swarovski. Maybe I’m doing it wrong? Sounds like I need more practice…
May 5, 2012 at 5:19 pm
It is because you are part of the horrible male patriarchal cultural squelching thing. Or something.
Now shut up and keep polishing.
May 5, 2012 at 5:21 pm
I like to whistle while I work.
May 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm
oh that’s a map! i thought it was a heart with a demented flower on top
May 5, 2012 at 4:22 pm
Please gods let there be no tangled Tasmanian underbrush
May 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Last pair. Consider the implications.
May 6, 2012 at 9:45 am
Fortunately they aren’t. Not only is there a separate listing for a different pair, you can get the vulva patch separately and sew it onto whatever you want, such as boxers, an apron, the fly of your jeans, a headband, etc.
May 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm
At least the seller wasn’t wearing them.
May 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm
So that’s what vaginas look like. hmmm mine doesn’t look anything like that maybe I should go to a doctor
May 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm
My labia aren’t calico, they’re gingham. Should I be concerned?
May 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm
So long as they’re not tweed with leather patches, it’s all good.
May 5, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Uh oh. If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the ER.
May 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm
As long as you have to enter the office through a beaded curtain and incense smoke to get to the wombym who smells like patchouli and looks like early 80′s Stevie Nicks sitting on the bean bag, rubbing a crystal amongst Navajo inspired crafts.
May 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm
not to worry although the charcoal has sold these beauties are still available :
http://www.etsy.com/listing/46031447/vulva-undies-white
May 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm
But the dirt will show on those!
May 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Never mind the dirt – let’s just say white would reveal all of a woman’s mysteries.
…although, judging from the description, this may not be a problem for the seller.
May 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Hmmm, … yes, going onto the Hershey Highway does have its disadvantages.
Could always go commando?
May 5, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Wait…these are American Apparel? Aren’t they the folks who top out at a size 2? Yeah, my ass will be hugely empowered by underpants that I can’t pull up past my KNEES.
May 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm
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May 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm
I think you meant to say “moral compass” or “self-respect” or even “sense of shame”. Those are certainly all things Ann Coulter lacks.
Though I still kind of hope she’s a liberal plant and will soon reveal herself as a professional troll!
May 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm
I’m just waiting for her to step out of her human skin costume and reveal she’s some reptilian being from another dimension. At this point, that’s what seems most logical.
May 5, 2012 at 10:12 pm
Isn’t that what basically happened in V? I only saw the first episode and then got bored: even Morena Baccarin wasn’t enough to keep me watching.
May 5, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Yeah, you gotta be careful about hating on transfolk around here. It’s a pretty serious gaff.
May 5, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Fuck you and your transphobia.
May 6, 2012 at 6:04 am
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May 6, 2012 at 11:14 am
No, slighting transgender people constitutes asshole behavior, but slighting people who have different political views from yours is okay. Do you really want the long-ass Trans-101-with-a-side-discussion-on-the-evolution-of-the-definition-of-”phobia” explanation? Because I’ll go there. But not if your only interest is to catch us out on some fantasy HURF DURF LIBRULS “gotcha.” Some of us have better ways to spend our time, like vajazzling things or governing ourselves accordingly.
May 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Upon rereading this, I’m concerned that I might not have been completely clear, and might have conveyed a message I didn’t want to convey. So I won’t do the long-ass explanation yet, but I will do the Reader’s Digest version, for clarity’s sake.
Transphobia is not the fear of transgender people. Rather, it is the belief that trans people are less worthy of dignity and respect than cisgender (i.e. non-trans) people.
Behavior based on transphobia is asshole behavior. Discriminating against trans people on the basis of their trans status is asshole behavior. Misgendering people, whether or not they’re actually trans, is asshole behavior. Making the millionth “she’s a MAN, man!” joke about Ann Coulter is asshole behavior. And whining about why is it cool to pick on people’s political points of view, but it’s not cool to pick on actual people? Oh, hell, yes, that’s asshole behavior. PERKELE.
May 8, 2012 at 12:49 am
Wow. I’d give you my heart, bakerina, but there appears to be some poorly-rendered labia sewn to it.
May 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I don’t need panties to have a psychedelic vagine.
May 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Yeah. As a general rule, all I ned is the Cuervo.
May 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Okay, who the fuck is Ned?
May 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm
The guy with the Cuervo looking at your vagine.
May 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm
At least she isn’t modeling them.
May 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I remember these from last year – hard to add much to what was said about the poor sewing and the weird idea of making your bajino an “outie.” Therefore I’ll just commend her only the truly whimsicle squid penis cozies. I just can’t wait until the next time that I want both sex and seafood!!
May 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm
I’m actually seeing a little butterfly (white body, pink head and blue wings) on a heart. Should I really be seeing someone’s snatch?
May 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Not mine.
May 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm
And she sells squid tampon cozies too!
May 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm
I am baffled when people talk about “celebrating menarche. ” I have endometreosis so me celebrating that would be akin to worshipping the devil. If I had known what a complete plague this was gonna be to me I would’ve had vagina-removal surgery…which I think they do in Mexico? :p
May 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Menarche will not go away by vagina removal-sadly. I also do not think celebrating it with some cheezy freakin underwear is gonna make us feel better about this hell on earth either. Yea.
May 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm
I know, right? I don’t have anything witty to say, but I have endomitriosis too. And I CAN tell you that you should have the laproscopic surgery. Seriously. It is AMAZING VAGINA MAGIC.
Also they superglue your belly button closed and it’s kind of funny.
May 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm
….now I want to get my gyno a badge that says “BAJINGO WIZARD.” Whatever, he already thinks I’m nuts.
May 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm
I’ve been begging to be spayed since I was 12. I am now 44. The reason Dr’s won’t is because “you might change your mind”. FFS… No. No I won’t.
And now you tell me I might get my bellybutton super-glued?!! That’s it – I am going to my Dr and pulling a gun until she agrees to yank that bleeding torture device out of me for good, and make my belly button a craft.
CUT IT OUT OR THE VAGINA GETS IT!
May 5, 2012 at 5:15 pm
They can at least go in with a laser and pewpewpew the endomitriosis tissue.
And yes. My belly button got superglued, and it came out cuter after it healed. I was so amused.
May 5, 2012 at 5:55 pm
I had the laser surgery 3 years ago, and now it’s back full force:( waaah. Now they put me on the Depo shot, which I REALLY didn’t want but my other options were early menopause or continue to be in excruciating, writhing pain. The surgery wasn’t THAT bad, but it was a bitch to recover from and im not sure I wanna do it again.
May 5, 2012 at 5:38 pm
There’s a big difference, Clumber, between being fixed and having the whole thing taken out, says the woman who was fixed and STILL HAS ENDOMETRIOSIS. (They just cauterized my fallopian tubes. Damn endometriosis was diagnosed just this year, ten years after the fixing.)
Hysterectomies doctors don’t like to do for fun. A little heat gun to the fallopian tubes didn’t take much convincing at all.
May 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm
Are they going to laser it out?
I went from being pretty much incapacitated 2 weeks out of the month to “….wait, THIS is what a period is like? This is SO much better than I thought it would be.”
May 5, 2012 at 10:31 pm
Apparently my Dr thinks it’s just fine & dandy to have me on constant birth control until menopause. As in never off the BC. Can’t see how being on those for 30 years+ could go wrong!
BTW I never wanted kids, never even played mom or house with my friends, never liked kids even when I was one. Oh yeah, and I’m a gdamnned lesbo with a longterm (15 years in August) partner who ALSO has never wanted to have kids. But obviously the people with the scalpels know better.
I know there are entire scales of options, I just want the damn thing ripped out – all of it – and then I want to drive over it again and again with a stolen cement mixer, cover it in kerosene, set it alight with a flaming arrow, then salt the earth, till, repeat all steps, then nuke the mofo with a hydrogen bomb. Gather all the radioactive dirt for 2 miles out, and send it in a spaceship into the sun.
Fucker has tortured me for most of my life, I should get some payback.
May 5, 2012 at 6:36 pm
My sister had endometriosis so bad it kept her in bed with excruciating leg pains for a week each month. Every doc she saw said hysterectomy. “The only cure is pregnancy, and you can’t get pregnant with endometriosis.” She was 20.
My brother (an ER doc) sent her to one of his friends, a female OB/GYN, who put her on the pill for a solid year. No “week off”, no periods, no pain, no hormones to “feed” the uterine lining. After a year, her doc took her off the pill, and she was good. She used condoms for 6 months to let the pill hormones dissipate out of her body, and then conceived my niece. Apparently it’s controversial, due to the large amounts of hormones running through your body, but for her, it worked.
May 5, 2012 at 9:57 pm
I’m wondering if that’s what kept mine at bay for so long. I’d been put on consecutive birth control for my hormonally induced migraines shortly after the tubal ligation and had had maybe one period a year for nine years. Then the birth control stopped working for the headaches, so I stopped taking it, since I didn’t need it for reproductive reasons. I made it about nine months before I was diagnosed with the endometriosis. Three months after the diagnosis and I’m back on continuous birth control.
May 6, 2012 at 12:07 am
Woa, that doctor was seriously misinformed. You CAN get pregnant with endometreosis. Severe cases can make it difficult, but there are a whole lot of options that can help you conceive. There are also a lot of options for pain treatment- I have NEVER heard of a doctor recommending a hysterectomy for it. That is absurd, whoever it was should lose their license. Im glad your sister didn’t listen to that, it scares me to think of girls listening to him and actually getting a hysterectomy. Jesus. There is a serious problem in this country with women’s health issues getting over looked/misdiagnosed. You KNOW if it was a dude, they sure as hell wouldn’t recommend something like that. They’d probably have a cure for it even.
Ok sorry,
May 6, 2012 at 12:11 am
There was supposed to be an “end of feminazi rant” at the end of that. Lolz
May 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm
I know I wouldn’t have wanted to celebrate being an 11 year old with what felt like someone stabbing me in the stomach with a knife for 9+ days a month!
May 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm
If only rejecting culturally induced self loathing didn’t usually mean rejecting culturally induced self bathing.
Really, it’s miraculous that I’ve managed to emerge from years spent wearing no advertisement of my genitalia–no clit rosette pin, no felt merkin belt, nothing!– with my femininity intact! Now I spend an hour vagina-gazing every day, just to remind myself.
Oh, yeah–it’s still there! In your FACE, patriarchy!
May 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Just because I don’t wear bajingos all over my clothes doesn’t mean I loathe myself or my gender. Jeez.
May 5, 2012 at 2:44 pm
I CAN FEEL YOUR LOATHING FROM HERE.
May 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm
They’re on a clothesline! They’re on a clothesline! Thank Lard Almighty, they’re on a clothesline!
May 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm
“… left behind my culturally induced self-loathing…”
What about the Etsy induced belief that putting female genitalia on stuff makes it a feminist statement? Will you leave that behind any time soon, seller?
May 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Posts like these just make me feel sad. How much must this woman (the seller) hate herself to have to artificially inflate her self-esteem with the fact that she has a vagina? “The culture” does not make me feel bad about having a vagina. It does not make me think that my vagina is ugly. I buy lacy underwear (without vagina patches), wear makeup, think my vagina looks ugly (but like a typical vagina), and that it is awesome because I have a clitoris which gives me multiple orgasms. By the way, I don’t think penises are great works of visual art either. : ) Why must everything be attractive or we “feel bad about ourselves”? Why do we have to have attractive vaginas, ears, feet, whatever?! Feet are for walking. Some are pretty, some are not. Live with it.
May 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Thank you. Are you TheOnlySanePersonLeftInTheWorld?
May 5, 2012 at 2:31 pm
I’m with you on penises! Yes, they give me great pleasure, but pretty to look at? No way!
May 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm
They kind of remind me of something from another planet a la Doctor Who.
May 5, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Like this one?
May 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm
There are not enough thumbs-up in the world for this. Thank you.
May 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Just to make it totally obvious, this needs a goatse patch on the back.
May 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm
I love how the patch will “fuzz up” with washing! Just like your real patch…wait… nevermind
May 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm
A seam ripper is cheaper than a laser treatment.
May 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm
“That’s why everyone loves Ann Coulter. She has a vagina.”
[citation needed]
May 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Can we please stop with the “Ann Coulter isn’t a real woman” bullshit jokes.
May 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm
I don’t question her validity as a woman. I question her validity as being human at all.
May 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm
If that’s where her clit is, she must be interesting in the sack: “Ooooh, sweetie; yeah baby! Lick right there just under my bellybutton!”
May 5, 2012 at 4:18 pm
The little man in the boat has jumped ship.
May 5, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Going by the numbers, having a vagina and at some point in your life getting a period does not make you special. I think it actually makes you a statistically normal woman. On one count, anyway.
But let’s not let reality intrude on our counter-cultural celebration of Wombynhood/odd undies!
May 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Given all the controversy of how American Apparel treats females– such as accusations of their CEO insisting that he approve workers’ attractiveness before they be allowed to work in AA stores and accusations raping an 18 year old former employee– I really enjoy that her female empowerment message gets stamped on American Apparel brand underoos. Although maybe I’m just wrong and AA objectification of females is okay because um… they think vags are totes rad?
May 5, 2012 at 4:00 pm
The button needs a buzzer, or maybe soft chimes.
May 5, 2012 at 4:21 pm
’70s porn music.
May 5, 2012 at 4:15 pm
“Menarche” is such a womanly, rad word. Sort of like “monarch”, like a girly, girly butterfly.
A German word, based on the greek “menos” meaning “month”, and “arche” meaning “beginning”. Or so they say.
Frankly, I think the word happened when a young rad girl got her first red tent day, and asked mom if she could have some $9 special undies to mark the occasion.
“Forget it, kid, your dad wouldn’t even think of it. For this time in a gal’s life,he’d rather not bother. It’s all because men are chea—Oh Hi Darling! Your baby girl’s a woman today!”
May 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm
I am reminded of my own female awesomeness everytime a man stares at my nice rack. And I am reminded I have a vagina everytime I put panties on, regardless of what dumb patches are sewn onto the front. What I want to know is, why do people “celebrate” getting your period? It’s a period. Most females are going to get one. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last, but for some reason you are a special snowflake! Also, why call it “menarche” or “menses” – it’s a period. Buy some tampons and get over it.
May 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm
What’s the use of buying one pair of panties for nine dollars if I’m just going to bleed all over them and get them stained and no, no super ultra plus tampon can stop me from bleeding like a stuck pig…
Then again, maybe I’m supposed to bleed on it, I mean, the bloodstains will just be more of a sign of my wombynliness and make them even more radder.
Or I can just by an eight pack value pack of plain boring old cotton panties for the same price…
May 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm
A butterfly superimposed on a heart. With a sequin. Pretty sure my ladyparts don’t look like that.
May 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm
Oh good golly miss Molly, she makes crocheted (pronounced “crotch-e-ted” in my head – I blame my husband)squid pipe cozies which also doubles as a tampon pouch, is that before or after use?
May 5, 2012 at 5:11 pm
And in the description, she talks about a glass pipe.
Am I horribly naive, or is she talking about a bong?
(Of course I’ll always think of them as penis cozies, thanks to aliceblue…and suddenly I know what my better half is getting for Father’s Day!)
May 5, 2012 at 5:12 pm
Veni, vidi, vici, vulva.
May 5, 2012 at 6:30 pm
and Volvo
May 5, 2012 at 8:52 pm
Thanks for posting this last year. I got the most awesome block print from Chelsea!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/48021063/it-comes-in-waves-lino-block-print
May 5, 2012 at 9:27 pm
please tell me those undies are NOT up cycled right …..
May 6, 2012 at 6:37 am
Oh, I soooo agree with this lady–our culture has too long been controlled by macho, chauvinistic males: you know, the sort who are always shouting about how pretty penises are, insisting the public square be filled with images of beautiful schlongs, getting together to make arts and crafts and underwear depicting them, and wanting nothing to do with yucky vaginas.
May 6, 2012 at 10:03 am
Isn’t the point of underwear to, like, enclose the naughty bits? I’m going to cover my bits with a picture of my bits?