Five Men With Sticks
- This post originally appeared on Regretsy on May 17, 2011
HEY POPS, NICE TANG
Nothing says “authentic medicine man” like a Stewie Griffin hat and a pair of transitional lenses.
I don’t know much about sorcery, but I know a thing or two about handling wood. And I don’t like rubber tips, either.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dockers
GIT YER STICK ON
May 5, 2012 at 9:33 am
I dunno. I kinda like the “no rubber tip” one. He’s holding it rather seductively.
May 5, 2012 at 9:33 am
WHAT is a “grovy stick”? And I think that 3rd one could double-up under penises.
May 5, 2012 at 9:39 am
A grovie stick is the preferred weapon of the Stay Pufft marshmallow man, apparently.
July 3, 2012 at 7:45 am
i’m gonna buy one of his sticks so he can afford to shop somewhere besides Baby Gap!
May 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Why a stick you carry while walking in groves. Not sure what you do if you hit a meadow.
May 5, 2012 at 9:33 am
I’d totally hang with that first dude, he looks like a bad ass.
May 5, 2012 at 9:37 am
And I’d totally BANG crouching tiger, hidden dockers dude…. he’s hot….
May 5, 2012 at 9:41 am
um YES. But hopefully he’s not a martial arts nerd. Sometimes there’s a screw loose in that particle crowd….
Not that there’s not in us dildo-hens but still
May 5, 2012 at 10:32 am
OMFG dildo-hens <3
May 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm
As long as martial arts enthusiasts actually practice marital arts in a real martial arts studio and not in their garage then they are usually ok, twirling your curtain rod does not a black belt make. And as long as they don’t subscribe to soldier of fortune.
May 5, 2012 at 9:02 pm
I wouldn’t mind his practicing marital arts in his garage. As long as he laid down a blanket first. Concrete can be really cold.
May 5, 2012 at 9:38 am
Yes, absolutely! He looks like the kind of guy who would drop casual remarks about all the guys he killed in Vietnam during conversations about anything else.
May 5, 2012 at 9:39 am
Also, if you’ll notice in the other pics he’s got up, he uses that thing like Petja uses his cane!
And he has dogs, dogs rule.
May 5, 2012 at 9:42 am
If there was a cage match with all the stick-handlers, I would put my money on #1.
May 5, 2012 at 9:43 am
And his young padawan, the kid in the fringe jacket.
May 5, 2012 at 9:46 am
Anyone who looks like a cross between Danny Trejo and Charles Manson is by default a bad ass.
May 5, 2012 at 12:28 pm
He does look interesting but, as a non-hunter/elk expert I find the term “grat elk tang” a bit worrisome. Did the elk consent?
May 5, 2012 at 6:49 pm
It died of natural causes, we swear. And so did the cow that made tonight’s hamburgers. At least that’s what my grandmother told my ten year old uncle when he wanted to be a vegetarian, but liked meat too much. It’s an all purpose excuse.
May 5, 2012 at 9:37 am
Why does Death need an amethyst staff? Are scythes not in fashion this season damnit?!
May 5, 2012 at 10:27 am
If I had to model the amethyst staff I’d hide my face, too.
May 5, 2012 at 12:02 pm
The Grim Reaper needed to update his accessories. The whole scythe thing is so last season.
May 5, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Now you’ve got me wanting to make a “Hipster Death” meme. >_<
May 5, 2012 at 9:34 pm
no he needs it to take away the life of hippies
May 5, 2012 at 9:37 am
All the nerds in the rest of the post can learn something from Grizzly Adams up there at the top. That’s a man who doesn’t need to dress up like a tarot card to sell his bad ass staff. That’s a man who eats whiskey and nails for breakfast. I bet he worked in a paper mill for a long time.
Also, everyone knows the druids didn’t use Apoxie clay. They used Sculpy and jewelry wire.
May 5, 2012 at 9:42 am
His name is Larry and I believe he is our first senior Regretsy hottie! xD
May 5, 2012 at 9:48 am
I’m just saying, if I’m ever lost in the woods and being stalked by a grizzly bent on retrieving the claw I claimed from him years before, I’m going to want Larry with me, not Patsy McDressup and his magic wand.
May 5, 2012 at 9:55 am
HELL YEAH! Larry is the shizzle.
May 6, 2012 at 10:11 am
On the other hand, if I’m going to a nerd convention (which in my case is much more likely than randomly wandering the woods) I want the Nazhgul there.
May 5, 2012 at 12:29 pm
And glitter?
May 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Only during human sacrifice.
May 5, 2012 at 9:37 am
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May 5, 2012 at 10:15 am
Well, that’s what friends are for, right?
May 5, 2012 at 10:23 am
Truly! My husband has a long list of things that he is to smother me for if I ever do them in my dotage!
May 5, 2012 at 11:13 am
Mine have been told to take me out back and shoot me.
May 5, 2012 at 9:40 am
If you look closely at the last one, I think someone is holding a gun to his back making him pose for the picture. Or perhaps they are holding a grovie stick up his butt.
May 5, 2012 at 9:43 am
I think the other hand, off-camera, is holding up the day’s newspaper.
May 5, 2012 at 9:42 am
The “grove y” stick from the woods would be a cute little pun if the rest of the listing didn’t make it clear that it’s just a sad little misspelling.
May 5, 2012 at 9:42 am
WANTED: Someone to oil my thin, simple staff. Please be prepared to handle and impart your essence, or remove my essence, should things get out of control. Must be able to rub your hands over my staff and concentrate on what you wish to imbue. I like grapeseed oil but linseed or motor oil will also work. Please do not disturb my crystal tip.
May 5, 2012 at 10:12 am
And lo, “The Anointed One” has come among us and did share of his bounteous essence.
May 5, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Well he damn well better clean it up!
May 5, 2012 at 9:43 am
I’m digging grampa’s tang.
May 5, 2012 at 9:51 am
Where’s I put my grovie stick??
May 5, 2012 at 12:10 pm
What is the point of a blow-up doll that isn’t anatomically correct?
May 5, 2012 at 2:39 pm
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May 6, 2012 at 10:38 am
I don’t think there’s a point in the transition where there’s nothing there at all. It’s not like Mr. Potato Head.
May 7, 2012 at 9:14 am
He’s missing his stick.
May 5, 2012 at 9:52 am
he has rolled sleeves, cargo pants, and a beard.
he clearly knows his shit about staffs. I’m buying it.
May 5, 2012 at 9:55 am
You shall not pass!
May 5, 2012 at 9:58 am
Holy cow… #4 looks like a creepy ex I have. Would have explained a lot.
May 5, 2012 at 9:59 am
Cute martial arts guy apparently is wielding the Staff of Not Holding up Pants. It’s a great staff but it has no power at JayZ concerts.
May 5, 2012 at 10:02 am
“There is no rubber tip, since it is important that the staff has contact with the earth from which it has sprung”
I’m sure I have heard that same line used in my clinic.
May 5, 2012 at 10:37 am
“There is no rubber tip, since it is important that the staff has contact with the earth from which it has sprung”
Sounds incestuous.
May 5, 2012 at 10:03 am
Larry there and my dad would get along well,
methinks. I may have to get one of those antler-walking sticks for him for xMas!May 5, 2012 at 10:04 am
I was thinking the fourth guy was kind of cute.
Then I saw his boxers sticking out above his Dockers.
Douche.
May 5, 2012 at 11:55 am
In my head, I read that as if it rhymed with touche.
May 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Douché, then.
May 5, 2012 at 12:59 pm
I’ll just put this here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-LOYvKlIRA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
May 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm
It’s the combination of healing crystal necklace with Dockers. Agreed — douche.
May 6, 2012 at 7:50 am
I know. He should at least take those pants all the way off.
May 5, 2012 at 10:37 am
I feel like that last guy could be Star Wars kid all growed-up.
May 5, 2012 at 10:52 am
I didn’t think the first guy looked mean or like he was in nam or anything,
He actually seems quite lovely. So does their business, they’re not talking it up or anything, and the prices are decent, wow, this sounds like an ad, I just mean the whole thing doesn’t seem like a total wank, like most of the other weird shit on etsy.
The kid in the stewie hat is blushing, so maybe it was an impromptu thing he did for his grandfather?
I’m not at all sure what to think about the last one, I have no idea what he’s talking about, and the photo is almost as disturbing as the shape of his torso, looks like he’s wearing a corsette or something that’s making him a really weird shape :-/
May 5, 2012 at 10:58 am
the last one is a good looking stick.
May 5, 2012 at 11:10 am
And now I have “Feelin’ Grovie” in my head. Damn you, Regretsy.
May 5, 2012 at 11:15 am
“A wizard’s staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end, knob on the end
It’s long and proud and stiff and loud
It’s the pride of wizardcraft.”
Now I will be singing that all day
May 5, 2012 at 1:14 pm
It’s more fun if you’re dancing on a table with a frothy mug in your hand when you do it! =D
May 5, 2012 at 11:46 am
Just the things for when someone tells you “Staff meeting in 15 minutes.”
May 5, 2012 at 11:51 am
Is that a spectral price tag on the first staff?
May 5, 2012 at 12:19 pm
I promise you, he has a big stick!
May 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm
Antler Tang was the flavor the Astronauts liked the least.
May 5, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Those guys are really confident in the size and shape of their sticks.
I know lots of men like to brag about how long and sturdy their sticks are but these guys just put it up there for the rest of the world to judge for themselves.
Walk softly and……..
May 5, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Next band name Antler Tang.
May 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm
How do they send these through the mail? WTF
May 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm
PULL UP YOUR MOFO PANTS, Hidden Dockers!! (Psst! I can see your manties.)
I wish people would realize how ridiculous they looked with the crotch of their pants around their thighs. I guess those people will be the first to go in the zombie apocalypse because they won’t be able to run.
May 5, 2012 at 6:54 pm
As a high school teacher who sees this every day, we can only hope. Those kids tend to be the douchiest kids.
May 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm
I’d love to get my hands on Dockers guy’s other staff…
May 5, 2012 at 4:23 pm
The staffs/sticks/whatever in here actually aren’t that bad for the most part. There is a market for decorative walking sticks and most of these look pretty on the ball. Although the “grove-y” one doesn’t look to me like it’s actually had anything done to it.
May 5, 2012 at 5:11 pm
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May 5, 2012 at 11:15 pm
GROVEY CHAINSAW ARTS!
man I can’t wait to see that.
May 5, 2012 at 11:21 pm
Okay. Why has no one commented on the enormity of the last guys bosoms? Or the perkiness! Good grief. There are a lot of women out there who would like to have a rack like that without a bra!
May 6, 2012 at 7:12 am
Is no-one else a bit scared by ‘going to be doing some chain saw wood art pretty soon’?
May 6, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Please,white people…. Sometimes a stick is just a stick.
November 17, 2012 at 9:22 pm
I’ll take the amethyst stick. EXPECTO PATRONUM!