- Submitted by Cameron
Anyone who has a problem with this is just lactose intolerant.
You know, I’ve worked as a Sushi Table before and that only pays $50/30 minutes, and there were about 300 people at the party.
I’d say this is a pretty good deal. Especially if you get to keep clothing on underneath.
Well, you probably only had your front covered in sushi, right? This is for the entire body, so it pays more.
Of course, there is also less danger of getting Wasabi on your nipples.
Wasabi other places would concern me more.
Brings a whole new meaning to “burning sensation.”
Well, you probably would yell out “Oh my God!!”
pics or it didn’t happen applies here!
I love cheese. And I love 300 dollars. Sure wish I was in Australia.
It would be Australian dollars, right? That’s about $309 U.S. dollars, which makes it even better!
If you get to keep the cheese, that’s an extra $10 there. Mmm, cheese!
I’m an Aussie & could sure use the $300 bucks….. & while i’m not fond of cheese slices, the pic includes tomato sauce (ketchup) & i eat that with everything…
I cant lie, I’m tempted….
No touching or anything? I’m in.
We’ll have a Ghouda old time.
Cheese puns? Brie-ng it on…
i havarti an idea, let’s get her to cheddar clothes, it’ll be fondue! we’ll need and camambert because velveeta lotta pictures.
I wonde if the model will stay still, or if she will be romano round.
Maybe he’ll give her Parmesan to do both.
damn, manchego, you beat me!
she would have to ask parmesan first.
The whole idea makes me bleu.
If she eats all that cheese, it’ll make her irregiano. Hope she has a good supply of stilton softeners.
Look what you started, you munster!
We just don’t give edam.
This is getting gouda – quite a feta to keep it going so long.
The raclette here is too loud, keep it down. Time y’all gruyere up.
Hey,calm down, now. No need to go postel on us!
My wit too sharp for you? Maybe you need a chevre in the right direction. Maybe my cousin in California…out in Monterey, Jack can do wonders training people’s sense of humor…
Halloumi hearties! All these cheese fetashists are getting brie excited!
I think my cholesterol level just went up. Where’s the Lipitor?
PLEASE tell me this will get incorporated into the next series of California Cheese commercials!
I can’t wait to see what the HK/cow says about this outfit!
Just imagine the smell of moist, sticky Kraft singles combined with thirty minutes of human sweat. Who wants grilled cheese?
Is it bad that it’s mostly the smell of Kraft singles that makes me seriously reconsider whether it’s worth the $300?
Yeah, it’s the Kraft singles that are icking me out too. And not just the smell. The idea of those clammy, plasticky squares of pseudo cheese would feel like on my tits is enough to give me the heebie-jeebies.
Yeeeargh, I’m gonna go look at the Leather Oaks entry to regain some sense of normalcy now…….
I came to the party too late for that one. Saw all the photos on the homepage, though…and didn’t want to know any more about it. I like to be good to myself that way, at least once in a while.
Kraft singles aren’t really cheese at all. I’m not sure exactly what they are, but they’re called “cheese food” and that means not actually cheese.
Maybe the ad should read “Seeking Cheese Food Woman”.
Maybe they’re what real cheese eats?
It’s “process cheese food product”. Note that it’s not “processed“, though, so it’s all good.
Ugh I can’t even look at Kraft Singles without thinking about how gross they are.
I prefer actual cheese over anything that says “cheese food”.
The good thing is, in Australia, Kraft ‘Cheese’ slices aren’t easy to get. The other dairy companies do make them, and they are way more ‘cheese’like.
As a person from Wisconsin, I am offended that those yellow plastic squares are called cheese. Next thing you know they’ll be calling Coor’s light beer.
I’m right there with you, fellow Wisconisinite. I’ve eaten processed packaged cheesefood that had more claim to the name than those vile things. :/
Says the state that gave us “Milwaukee’s Best”.
And Beer 30. And Miller, for that matter. But we make lots of good stuff, too.
^Also a Wisconsinite
That was a joke we played on the rest of the world. We still can’t believe you people drank that shit.
Coor’s Light? Isn’t that the bottled horse whizz that sort of resembles fetid pond water?
Don’t mix horse pee with sliced cheez.
Hey how is drinking Coors like having sex in a canoe?
It’s fucking close to water!
But about that cheese thing…I got shit.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
No, that’s Yuenling.
As a Coloradoan, I apologize for Coors in general.
I like Coors light It’s my go-to cheap beer. Granted, the other 90% of my drinking involves a nice local brewery porter.
Hey, as a person from the state that invented Cheez Whiz I’m offended that those yellow plastic squares are called cheese.
At least Cheez Whiz has the decency to spell it funny so you know it’s not really cheese.
Wonder if it’s for an arts and Kraft project?
More like “farts in Kraft,” for me.
–Lactose Intolerant FJL
Admit it, April, that’s you in the picture. When not dressed as a rodent or a viking, why not cover yourself in cheese?
I’m now hearing Eddie Izzard’s voice in my head saying “I’m covered in cheese!”
I’ll do it but not if ketchup is included! High fructose corn syrup has no place in my fantasies.
Heinz has a version called Simply Heinz that’s made with sugar, not HFCS
This changes everything.
That more than satisfies my need for healthy nutritious food while still selling out to a massive corporation.
I think they changed other things a little too though; it’s actually sweeter and not as vinegary. I prefer the regular version.
Ha – I should’ve read this before posting!
For me it’s that the idea of combining Kraft singles and ketchup makes me nauseous.
Is it for a Feta-ish?
I am just putting this out there…. i would do it.
Don’t worry, you’re not the only woman who probably just got disheartened to learn it wasn’t in driving distance.
That sounds like the easiest $300 I could ever make.
Assuming that I wasn’t killed after, anyway.
Smile! Say “cheese” for the camera!
Someone took that saying to a whole new level LOL
“Anyone who has a problem with this is just lactose intolerant.”
…………….Or that person is a blatent CHEESIST!
I dunno, I’d have to know more about what kind of cheese slices I’d be covered in. American? Cliché, but sure. Cheddar? Sharp and classic, I like that. Don’t you start talking to me about Swiss though, no self-respecting person would be caught dead draped in modesty-defeating dairy like Swiss.
I’m up for Lorraine Swiss. A little daring but still covered.
And it has all those little peek-a-boo holes…not too revealing, just enough of a tease.
I don’t mind the cheese, but I draw the limit at the ketchup!
God, she looks so creepily happy…that picture kinda freaks me out. She’s like Pizza Hut’s new Dominatrix lovers stuffed Pizza.
I think this was Anne Hathaway’s audition for Catwoman. (look at the mouth and nose, awfully similar!)
“You? As Catwoman?!?! BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
“Look, if you give me the part, I’ll cover myself in cheese slices and squirt ketchup all over me. Deal?”
Yes! Those totally look like Hathaway’s chompers!
Thank you for clearing up how she landed the Catwoman role. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how she landed it.
I like the cheese eye patch.
Cheese for $10 a minute. I volunteer. I volunteer as tribute, er, cheese-bute.
“Okay. I’m covered in cheese…now what?”
“What did you say about a weiner?”
God bless Australians, being upside down all the time makes the blood pool in their brains. It explains this and so much else.
Hmmm…sounds like my friend. He did a shoot with about 120 cans of Bushs’s Baked Beans.
Is your friend Anne Margret, from the Who’s “Tommy”?
I think I have that album somewhere. Very disturbing to find that as a child (when it first came out and one of my siblings bought it). Sure, THEY can cover themselves with baked beans, but I try to play murder victim with the ketchup and there’s hell to pay!
This belongs everywhere.
You get all of my leftover love today. It’s not much because I just made a margarita with my new Ninja blender, but it’s something, and you get it!
Thanks for your interest. We have a winner.
My kids listen to the audiobook of that all the time, it’s awesome!!!
I think my mom gave me this book when I was 16, I still have it and it is still FREAKING HILARIOUS.
Holy crap, I’d forgotten all about that book. I don’t think I’ve seen a copy in 15 years.
This is going to be Gouda…
Can we have a Regretsy contest in which FJLs cover their heads and faces with processed cheese food slices?
For free? I want $10 per minute!
Does deli sliced mozzarella count? That’s all I have! My hatred for American squares has hurt me today.
I’m not clear—do we just do it for the havarti of it in our own time, or are we supposed to take photos and post? ‘Cause some of us may already have such photos. Maybe. It’s a possibility.
Mugsy! You promised you’d never mention that!
Steamy, relax! I didn’t say I’d show them to anyone! Oh, wait, is today tne 2nd? Wow. Mortgage payment and maintenance due AGAIN? T$k, t$k. My, how the time flie$.
..and then what? Isn’t it sketchier without knowing why? I kind of want to do it to find out.
In all seriousness, I now have a craving for American cheese. But not in a wierd way.
Talk about cheesy!
I had a cheese slice on my hamburger last night, so this just makes me feel like a swallowed a pube or something D:
“Seeking Cheese Woman” sounds like a movie title, like “Finding Neverland” only horribly, horribly wrong.
The sequel to “Crouching Burger, Hidden Cheese”?
Uh-oh. Cheese man is real?
GILES: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the Slayer’s power was an affront to the source of that power.
BUFFY: You know, you could have brought that up to us *before* we did it.
GILES: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
BUFFY: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
BUFFY: Well, at least you all didn’t dream about that guy with the cheese. I don’t know where the hell that came from.
(Yeah, so that was my all-time-favorite episode… still had to go look it up.)
I wonder if the deal includes Cheesehead? If so, he needs to visit Wisconsin.
Meh. That’s not even real cheese … it’s “cheese food”. That’ll cost extra.
Oh lord, this is in my state. I can be there in 3 hours but I doubt I’d ever be coming back.
It’s a shame I’m about as far away from Melbourne as one can possibly get. This looks like fun easy money, especially since the Australian dollar is worth more than the US dollar right now.
You know, this isn’t a half bad idea for a food fetish photo. It could be even more interesting if photographed under hot lights.
My sex life needs some change to it. I’ll ask my husband if he wants me to do this. Too bad I don’t live in AUS.
I would do this, but it would take a lot longer than 30 minutes.
For $300 I might do it, but it would take more than $300 worth of cheese.
It looks like some of the cheese slices have started to melt. Which makes me think that she is screaming instead of laughing, and the guy wants to eat her (not in the pleasant way).
However, I am guessing that the guy (I am just assuming it is a guy) probably is just interested in sploshing.
Unfortunately, the ad was taken down when I tried to view it on Gumtree.
I’m just bemused because he has apparently already had at least one cheese woman.
When I first saw the link on fb, I thought “Too bad, I’m already taken!” (Wisconsinite) So glad I clicked over- I just threw up in my mouth a little. Especially at the slightly melted part on her collar bone. Ew.
Job Type: Casual.
“Hey thanks for answering the ad. We really appreciate it. So if you want to make yourself at home, you can just start covering yourself with these lovely Kraft singles whenever you feel ready. Would you like something to drink? We have bottled water and Fresca. If you’re feeling peckish you can help yourself to anything in the fridge.”
…or to anything on your left arm.”
She seems really happy about the ketchup. I wish ketchup made me that happy.
Ketchup has natural mellowing agents.
Prairie Home Companion for the win. I wonder what percentage of snarky regretsians also love Garrison Keillor’s G rated stylings. I would think “small”, but maybe not…
I only listen to it if I’m in a car with my dad.
I might find him funny if his voice didn’t sooth me to sleep.
doesn’t the fricative tooth whistle wake you up?
I live in Melbourne…& $300 would pay for a good night of drinking…but nothing says “crazy axe-weilding murderer with a cheese fetish” like advertising on Gumtree for a cheese woman or whatever this is. Oh…& I have the flu.
I’ll bring my own cheese.
Great. Now I’ve got Wallace stuck in my head saying, “Cheese, Gromit!” and “What’s wrong with Wensleydale?” alternating with the Monty Python Cheese Shop sketch. I hate the voices in my head.
Broke my heart at the end of A Close Shave when Wallace discovered the Wendolene didn’t like cheese.
I’m sure there was more than one in that world
Mine, too. Heartless, cheese-hating bitch. I’d date Wallace, but I draw the line at sharing my yarn stash with Gromit.
I’m with you on both counts!
Crackers, Gromit! We’ve forgotten the crackers!
When I first saw the title I read it as “Seeking Chinese Woman”. I read the and the comments, and the entire time wondering where her being Chinese was mentioned. Turns out it was my brain’s way of making a more logical statement out of “Seeking Cheese Woman”.
*read the AD and the comment
Until I got to your comment I was also wondering why no one was picking up on the Chinese part of this. You’re not alone!
Why is regretsy not posting my replies?
Damn it. Why does that work, but real replies won’t go through?
Yeah, yeah, it’s all fun and games until he pulls out the can of tomato soup and the 5.5 foot long panini maker,,,,,
Certain words used in replies cause the replies to become invisible. If you’re lucky, the replies appear later with those words changed.
Helen and Bronc do this, apparently because certain words offend them. I’m not entirely sure where the list of words is.
Happened to me yesterday. Lightning did not strike me down, but it was confusing for a while.
There might be a list in the rules or guidelines, somewhere. I have noticed they don’t like people posting “First”, they don’t like that LOLcat language and “methinks” will always get crossed out. Not sure how they feel about that Pony language. Profanity is encouraged. Creative profanity is appreciated. Older phrases, like “I just threw up in my mouth a little” often bring disdain. Finnish is greeted warmly. Fake Finnish as well. Swearing creatively using English, Finnish or Fake Finnish is best. Hope it helps.
Also LOL by itself is frequently removed. Basically, go to the Cheezeburger website and scroll through those comments. See all the stupidity? Keep it there. Don’t bring it here.
Didn’t do that? Back off the refresh button and calm down. Have a drink. It’ll all sort itself out soon.
But how do the slices stay on? With ketchup? Yeah, let me just squirt this stuff all over you and stick these cheese slices on, that’ll be just perfect.
Joke’s on you. It’ll take $300 worth of shampoo to get all the cheese out of your hair.
Not to mention the plumbing bill to get the cheese out of the drain. Explaining that one to the plumber would be… interesting…
Now why am I hearing 70s porn music in the bacground – cheesy music of course.
Wait. landcfan,are those euphemisms? They are, aren’t they? I might be confused. Somebody get me a drink!
They were not intended to be, but looking back on it, it certainly can have a double meaning.
I’d offer to do it since I live in Melbourne, but the texture of that “cheese” is far too weird D:
Also, I’ve heard of wearing one’s food, but that’s ridiculous.
a lacto-vegetarian’s rebuttal to Lady Gaga ?
I’ll see your one rubber-and-boot-wearing octogenarian, and raise you a cheese-encrusted overly-happy female.
What do you call a woman with a cheese fetish? A DAIRY QUEEN!
Wow, I’m going to Melbourne in a couple of weeks too, here’s a way to pay for my trip! Alas, I’m allergic to cheese slices – it’s the rubber content.
(I wish he wanted men though, my BF said he’d do this in an instant. He has no respect for cheese, and weird food/smells/people don’t bother him.)
Hmm, my city and I need the cash but – he’d probably spend $300 on the cheese in an attempt to cover this FJL body.
You guys, I live in Melbourne and will gladly let some guy stick cheese on me for money, also I’m such a hopeless loser I’m always on the look out for new friends. Stay tuned for pictures.
I’m just picturing scraping all that shit off when the fun and games are over. $300 isn’t going to cut it.
For $300 I would do this…
Maybe that makes me a whore…don’t know.
I wonder how many slices he’s prepared to lay down (heeheehee!) ’cause I’m a, ahem, well-built lady and I do like Kraft Cheeze singles.
This is reminding me of a time back in the heyday of myspace when I was messaged by someone with the username ‘PeeOnMe4Cash’. At least he got straight to the point.
That’s very cheesy entertainment.
Hmmm, definitely must consider this as a good way to fund my next short film. About time some fuckery came to Melbourne!
This is really weirding me out. I guess I’m just not quite used to this breed of Kraft-tard.
Thumbs up for you posting a photo of a pony playing drums… I can’t figure out how Pinkie Pie is holding that drumstick with her hoof though.
If I wasn’t married . . .
Hi folks, I’m the guy who placed the ad (seriously). I had no idea until now that it had been re-posted elsewhere, but honestly, reading through these comments has given me some of the best laughs I’ve ever had. Thanks so much guys.
Why am I suddenly hungry for Velveeta Mac n Cheese?
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