326 comments on Regretsy Theatre
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April 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm
All the fuckery here and the thing that bothers me most is that comma.
April 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm
There was a comma?
April 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Check the rock.
April 26, 2012 at 7:22 pm
It’s the William Shatner of rocks.
April 26, 2012 at 7:57 pm
No, no, no, folks. Hold your applause. Easily Distracted beat me to it.
April 27, 2012 at 2:14 am
Sounds more like Adrian Mole to me.
April 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm
Oh, THAT comma!
April 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm
I thought she meant “coma”. That level of twee fuckery tends to bring it on.
April 26, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Okay, I went back and looked. WTF are you talking about? Do you mean the fact that there isn’t a single comma in the entire description?
April 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Oh, that comma. I was trying so hard not to look directly at the fuckery itself. Thanks for that.
April 26, 2012 at 8:54 pm
It’s like deer to headlights. We get mesmerized by the fuckery if we stare at it for too long.
April 26, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Holy Hell, my thoughts exactly. Or should I say…
Holy, Hell my thoughts exactly.
April 26, 2012 at 11:54 pm
W,TF.
W . tf .. n. sr,sly ..
April 26, 2012 at 6:31 pm
It’s not just the comma – sitting, there, in, the, middle, of, the, sentence, like, a, special, dog, turd – but the fucktastic redundancy of the second half of the sentence. (If you seek, then yes madam, you pursue).
What the hell am I talking about? The whole thing is fucktasically redundant.
April 26, 2012 at 7:17 pm
yes, yes, yes, but she took it out of a vintage book and then, she collaged it – it’s not her fault – it’s the fault of the rock! It’s imperfect, she said so.
April 26, 2012 at 10:11 pm
There are two main clauses: “Seek peace.” “Pursue it.” They are joined by “and”, and there’s usually a comma before that “and”, but it can be omitted when the sentences are very short. I doubt it’s wrong to not omit it, though.
To seek Waldo is different from pursuing him. Also, you can keep pursuing something once you have found it, but you cannot keep seeking.
April 27, 2012 at 12:09 am
If you have “and” then you do not need a comma. In fact, most style manuals (particularly in the US) would argue that it is incorrect punctuation to ever have a comma before “and”. There are some special occasions where a comma before “and” may be tolerated if it improves clarity, but this is not one of those cases and in this particular context the comma is definitely bad form.
April 27, 2012 at 2:30 am
But I’m pretty sure that in a list in which the last item follows an ‘and,’ a comma is always correct.
April 27, 2012 at 2:44 am
“I would like to thank my parents, the Pope and Sinead O’Connor.”
There are many occasions in which the Oxford Comma is necessary, not only in adhering to university writing and referencing styles, but also in clarifying exactly whom one’s parents are (emphatically NOT the Pope and Sinead O’Connor)!
So far as the rock goes, I don’t think it’s wrong, persay; removing it seems to change the tone from advice to imperative, so the effect of the comma is softening. Soft, like the inside of that seller’s head, as that comma is pretty much the only thing not entirely, utterly, and absolutely wrong with this listing………… X(
April 27, 2012 at 4:48 am
You will never take my Oxford comma from me! Furthermore, since the sentence fragment is clipped from a book, we’ve no context for the comma.
April 27, 2012 at 7:45 am
No, that is actually incorrect. Commas are ALWAYS supposed to separate clauses when there are more than one in a sentence, and often the second clause is preceded by AND, OR, BUT, etc.
In simpler terms, if you can find more than one complete sentence within a sentence, a comma should separate them. In this case: “Seek peace.” “Pursue it.”
Technically these are complete sentences because they have a subject and a verb, so therefore it is grammatically correct to use a comma; however, as someone said above, it is also okay to omit it because the sentence is so short.
TL;DR: you’re not entirely wrong, but I simply wanted to correct you because you said it is incorrect to EVER use a comma before “and”, which is quite the opposite.
April 27, 2012 at 6:19 am
If the fucklister is actually making that point, wouldn’t it be “seek peace, then pursue it”?
I can’t believe I’m analyzing paper glued to a rock.
April 27, 2012 at 7:22 am
It really should be “seek peace; pursue it”
For me, the value of everything increases with semi-colons.
April 27, 2012 at 8:21 am
Marry me.
April 27, 2012 at 1:14 am
For, me it is “accesory” right, there..in the title
April 26, 2012 at 7:15 pm
This looks like a piece of choral music. Sometimes the publishers put in rogue commas to let everyone know when to breathe. That said, it bugged me too. But not as much as the lack of hyphen in “egg shaped.”
April 26, 2012 at 7:52 pm
I seriously thought you said “hymen”.
April 26, 2012 at 10:51 pm
So the egg-shaped wasn’t a virgin?
April 26, 2012 at 10:51 pm
At least it was a Comma, and not…an Ellipsis.
April 26, 2012 at 11:59 pm
Or extra . spaces . and . periods!
April 27, 2012 at 11:18 pm
They . are… highy artistic . and signify something.
deep..
intense..
. bullshit.
April 27, 2012 at 9:37 am
Don’t you go hating on the ellipses! Ellipses can be so…dramatic and when…used IN…a particular…fashion…bestows upon ALL writing a…dramatic and…even a…melodramatic Shatnerian tone. At other times…it…will give the listener…the experience…of…Walkerian speech. It is A good thing.
April 30, 2012 at 8:12 pm
I’m sure Barbara Cartland thought so. Most of her books were filled out by ellipses. No wonder she managed to write twenty novels a year.
August 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm
three … within a sentence is ellipsis. What you have there is four…. I don’t remember what it’s called but it means you’re quoting and have omitted more than a phrase within a sentence, you’ve omitted at least one full sentence.
Oh help, what is that called?? Durn rock!!!
April 27, 2012 at 5:42 am
Is there an award for the “mostest perfectest” thread — because I’m thinking this one needs to be nominated.
April 27, 2012 at 8:11 am
I didn’t make it past the missing “s” in the listing title (‘accesory’).
April 27, 2012 at 8:16 am
This type of thing grinds my ass raw.
April 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Bless you. This is exactly how I hear Etsy and eBay listing headlines in my head.
April 26, 2012 at 5:10 pm
April, can you please do this more often? This made my day.Thank you.
April 26, 2012 at 5:34 pm
I second this motion! I’ve listened to it 3 times and I’m still giggling!
April 27, 2012 at 4:06 am
Can you do it in the voice of.. Clarabell? She’s muh favourite… or is . that too licensed and c.o.p.y.r.i.g.h.t..e.d….. to do? oh oh… or Mrs. Finster… while. that would scare me shitless… . well… there’s nothing else to that statement actually……….. … . ……. … . … ……
April 27, 2012 at 4:33 am
I’m going to be shouting “FUROSHIKI!” at passers-by all day…
April 27, 2012 at 9:39 am
Squee! I’m have a grammargasm because you wrote “passers-by” and not “passer-bys”!!
April 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm
My toddler just learned the word “DRAMATIC!”
April 26, 2012 at 5:35 pm
I was reading the description and laughing that HK had gone so over the top with fuckery. I was a bit disappointed that there was nothing clever about it; then I got to the end and saw that it was for real.
what.the.fuque
April 26, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I can’t be the only one who got wet and hard when she said FUROSHIKI, can I?
April 26, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Usually that happens in reverse order…
Whenever she said “small” I thought of the Stephen King nesting dolls from the Regretsy Christmas Special.
April 26, 2012 at 8:15 pm
I recorded a dramatic reading of the cease and desist letter this morning, but I cannot bear to share my meagre effort after hearing April’s interpretation of this masterpiece.
April 27, 2012 at 12:10 am
I still think you should share it.
You might even get a governmment arts grant, it’s the sort of thing that gets them here!
April 27, 2012 at 12:13 am
I think the seller means we should seek peace, pursue it and beat it into submission with the rock! I imagine it would be something like this.
Loved the dramatic reading!
April 27, 2012 at 9:15 am
I would LOVE more Regretsy Theater!! I have played this one more than I will admit to. Next time April does one, I will be sure to have a bowl of popcorn ready!
April 27, 2012 at 9:41 am
I’m glad I didn’t this time or it would have gone flying with FUROSHIKI!!
April 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm
What about Fushigi?
Is it wrong that I want to buy this for my small child now?
April 26, 2012 at 7:17 pm
only if you let it get wet
April 26, 2012 at 7:43 pm
You also have to feed it after midnight.
April 27, 2012 at 2:41 am
What, you don’t usually buy rocks for small children to play with?
April 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm
I’d read through most of that description before I realized April didn’t write it herself. Sweet suffering Christ.
April 26, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Same here.
Me: Oh that April… she’s so… oh… oh… oh my god. Somebody actually wrote this bullshit for serious.
April 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Please get out of my head. You’re confusing the dogs.
April 26, 2012 at 8:48 pm
You have dogs in your head? Jealous! All the voices in my head belong to people. Well there is that one that I THINK is a cat but I have yet to prove it because he-…dammit, I have to go. One of them just told me it’s time to get naked, run around the house 3 times and then go to bed.
April 27, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Yes and one of them is the dog in my avatar, Ramona (registered as Ramona the Brave). It is scary how much control she has… It’s like a Jedi MindDog…..
April 27, 2012 at 5:46 pm
I know, I totally thought this was a etsy-or-regretsy post at first.
April 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Disregarding the fact that this cupcake-monger is trying to charge a tenner (plus postage) for a rock with some paper glued to it: they ‘rescued’ a vintage book, and then mutilated it?
BURN THE INFIDEL.
April 26, 2012 at 4:41 pm
I have several rocks outside my office and a buttload of legal documents at my desk. I foresee early retirement based on rocks with “do not expect us to collate your information” (seriously we have a letter that says that) or “Facts alleged to constitute the violation.” $10 please.
April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm
How about “GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY”?
April 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm
I don’t think we have that, but hi, I have a computer and a printer so I can make that happen. Shit, I have a separate label printer. I won’t even need to buy glue.
Wait, what about “This CEASE and DESIST ORDER has been issued”? I know it’s spelled correctly but for some reason we really do have the caps like that.
April 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Oh god, wait. I want to glue the cease and desist order one to a brick so it can be thrown through windows. Cease and desist, motherfuckers.
April 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm
MAKE IT SO.
April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm
I think that’s how eviction notices and foreclosures should be given.
April 26, 2012 at 5:46 pm
GranoblasticMan – Yep, easy enough. Just throw the rock through the window and you’re sure they’ve received it!
April 26, 2012 at 6:07 pm
Ok. Now that I have commuted home and scavenged some rocks out of the yard, here is what happened.
That one is a SMALL stone.
This one didn’t turn out very well because the paint wasn’t enough of a contrast but behind the x is an iron. A poorly drawn iron, on a goddamn rock. Basically my greatest achievement to date.
April 27, 2012 at 5:48 pm
I think I may make one of these on a creamy beach rock, since I have a printer and some gel medium. should I put a yak on it too?
April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm
I’d buy a rock with that glued or painted on it, but not for $10.
April 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm
they’d have to be good “throwing through window” sizes however.
April 26, 2012 at 6:36 pm
There was a tutorial on how to do this in a recent UK crafts magazine. I don’t remember which one; as soon as I saw that article, I dropped the magazine and went to wash the Cupcake off my hands.
April 26, 2012 at 7:49 pm
How to glue paper to rocks? Oh my, the magazine industry really is struggling.
April 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Aw, why you gotta hate on community theatre?
April 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm
I swear, this performance was given in every one of my college voice classes.
April 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm
And the Emmy goes to..
April 26, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Best thing I’ve heard all day.
April 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm
i want the audiobook! but with the caveat that i will not listen in the car… all that drama will get me a wreck fo sho!
April 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm
I very much appreciate the Lord of the Rings soundtrack in the background.
April 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm
THANK YOU! All I could think of was TWO TOWERS! But It was beautifully timed to the “poem”.
April 26, 2012 at 10:21 pm
Is it from Two Towers? I recently watched FotR and I could swear the ending music is the Nagzul (It sounds like the toned-down version of Minas Morgul in RotK) but I couldn’t place the music so I de-lurked and made an account just to ask.
Wow, that was a horrible way to start this off.
April 26, 2012 at 11:41 pm
It’s from Fellowship. Because that’s just how much we nerd-out over here.
April 27, 2012 at 7:32 am
It’s the music from when the Nazgul attack the empty beds in Bree.
April 26, 2012 at 6:21 pm
YES. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who recognized that!
April 27, 2012 at 7:29 am
I was just about to post the brilliance of the reading when I heard that. And the brilliance cruised right on past brilliance and straight into the epic. And I mean that in the traditional way, not the hipster meme way.
April 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm
All that is missing from that description is papyrus.
April 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm
I don’t usually de-lurk and comment, but I was deeply moved by that dramatic reading. Truly an epic rendering of an epic product description.
April 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm
I am a seagull.
April 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm
I am a walrus. Koo-koo-a-choo.
April 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Shut the fuck up, Donnie.
April 26, 2012 at 5:48 pm
?
April 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm
The Big Lebowski reference fail.
April 26, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Thanks, Tursiart. I’ve never seen the movie, *ducks* but it’s on my long list of movies to be seen.
April 26, 2012 at 6:11 pm
@Mugs
Your ashes just hit my face.
April 26, 2012 at 6:48 pm
@BGS: But I don’t smoke! Hell, I don’t even burn!
/Always anxious to work that Honeymooners joke into a conversation.
April 26, 2012 at 7:15 pm
It ain’t a cigarette sweetheart.
Rent the movie. SO worth it.
April 26, 2012 at 8:35 pm
This isn’t Vietnam. This is bowling. There are rules.
April 27, 2012 at 4:53 am
What do you do for recreation?
Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.
April 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm
i laughed… i cried… i peed my pants!
April 26, 2012 at 5:08 pm
Me too, me too. I also choked on a olive pit whilst wheedling myself. It’s a new low (could be a new high) that I have personally reached while reading/listening to these gems that April mines for us.
April 26, 2012 at 4:39 pm
You shall not pass!
April 26, 2012 at 9:36 pm
You shall not paste!
April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm
the ~dramatic echo~ was an inspired choice.
April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm
I think this is an excellent sign that it’s time for me to stop being naked and go to class.
I like that you sampled music from the Lord of the Rings movies, by the way.
April 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm
True story, my preference for nudity is accountable for about half my absences. (The other half is my addiction to cuddling. I have a down comforter and DAMN that thing has made me tardy.)
Of course, I’m paying out the ass so I figure I should be able to stay in bed and study if I want to
April 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm
My husband and I have often been moved to call in cuddly. We never thought our bosses would really go for it, though.
“I’m sorry, I simply can’t make it to work today. I’m far too snuggly.”
April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm
I guess this is what the people who hoard fortune cookie messages can do to profit from their hauls.
Also, REGRETSY THEATRE made me weep. I hope to hear many more of these!
FUROSHIKI
April 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Absolutely! This needs to be a regular thing:-D Bravissima!
April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm
That was a rather intense and somewhat sensual experience for me… I feel the need… the need to collage-age-age…
April 26, 2012 at 4:41 pm
That was beautiful, Hellen Killer. You should consider a career in voice-over acting!
April 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Seriously! Some people just don’t have what it takes but Helen, well, she just has this natural talent, almost like she’s been doing this for years!
April 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm
I like to think that this is how the initial readings of Clarabelle Cow always go, before Disney steps in and asks for something slightly toned down.
April 26, 2012 at 8:41 pm
The out-takes have choirs of angels with harps whenever she talks about finding the magic button on the triangle bush.
April 26, 2012 at 5:07 pm
I totally agree, but because of Regretsy’s notoriety, she probably should create an alter-ego, like Hannah Montana did.
April 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Wait … isn’t that HK’s actual career, when she’s not eating deep-fried hamburgers and getting drunk?
Speaking of drunk, am I the only FJL to notice that “accessory” isn’t spelled correctly? Or are we giving the Etsy faeries a glitter-coated pass on that now, since spelling’s so linguistically sexist, or something?
April 26, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Okay, why the down-thumbing? I meant all that with respect. Off to stick a bag over my head.
April 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Well, if you have to explain the joke…
April 26, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Wait … isn’t that HK’s actual career, when she’s not eating deep-fried hamburgers and getting drunk?
Silly, drunken hamburgering is a career!
The voice-acting is just a hobby.
April 27, 2012 at 9:53 am
There, there, RPB. Your comment was lovely after the first six words.
April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm
I enjoyed this even more than I enjoyed Towel Mike. And lemme tell you, that is sayin’ something. This has to be a regular feature here, please April please oh please. Just too brilliant.
April 26, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Whatever happened to Towel Mike? D:
April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm
This… this….
best dramatic reading.
I turned up the speakers so it would emanate the gravity of the description.
April 26, 2012 at 5:24 pm
It’s also wonderfully ominous and spooky… I’d play it over and over on Halloween if this were the script:
You are a bold and courageous person, afraid of nothing.
High on a hilltop near your home, there stands a dilapidated old mansion.
Some say the place is haunted, but you don’t believe in such myths.
One night, a light appears in the topmost window in a tower of the old house.
You decide to investigate. And you never return…
April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm
F U R O S H I K I
oh god…this needs and image, a gif…
April 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm
No, it needs
a remixA HUNDRED REMIXES!April 26, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Ah, if only Sparta megamixes were still relevant… It could actually work.
April 26, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Oh god. A terrible thought has occurred: Someone needs to remix “furoshiki” with the music from the “Epic Spandy Guy” video.
April 26, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Spandy Andy?!?!?!
April 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm
April 26, 2012 at 6:33 pm
April 26, 2012 at 6:34 pm
I don’t know what’s going on in that picture, but those guys seem really excited about it.
April 26, 2012 at 7:19 pm
Screw that. I love love love your Spadea pattern! Lovely!!
April 27, 2012 at 6:34 am
April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Oh,
My,
God,
what a dork
and she can’t use commas
April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm
If only Etsy allowed sound bites in their listings April would have a whole new sideline doing the voice for everyone’s copy.
April 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm
So I think now we have to have all the descriptions read to us like that. It’s really the only way.
April 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Also bitch doesn’t know the difference between collage and decoupage.
April 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm
I believe the word the seller was looking for was “collide.” As in, “After I buy this rock from you, it’s going to collide with your skull.”
April 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm
This seller has over 200 sales, many of which are rocks tied to other rocks, or rock with paper glued to them. They do take pretty pictures, though, I will give them that. I wonder how many buyers get their item in the mail, and suddenly think, “What the hell did I buy?? It looked so pretty on Etsy, but really, it is a rock… tied to another rock.”
April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I think they just bought them for the furoshiki.
April 26, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Anything wadded up in a scrap of white linen is worth $10.
April 26, 2012 at 8:50 pm
There’s a Shroud of Turin joke in there somewhere.
April 26, 2012 at 10:57 pm
A guy walks out of a tomb and into a bar…
April 26, 2012 at 5:22 pm
I’ve seen this seller’s work on the front page numerous times. I’m bewildered!
April 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm
I want to hear April read everything to me. I’d pay well
April 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm
I don’t know about you, but I have a stockpile of California cheese enough to survive two nuclear holocausts.
April 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I have a stockpile of cheese, but not all of it is California cheese.
April 26, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I have a stockpile of Vermont cheese.
April 26, 2012 at 5:25 pm
HEATHEN!
April 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Wait, wait, I forgot that I also have some fabulous English stilton (yummers!) and Danish Castillo. Does that help my case?
April 26, 2012 at 6:13 pm
I have a stockpile of cut cheese. Wanna hear?
April 26, 2012 at 6:50 pm
@BGS, could you stand downwind from me? Or wag your tail a LOT?
April 26, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Can you change the size of the smell?
April 26, 2012 at 7:21 pm
The tonality of it is so worth the parfum.
April 27, 2012 at 9:29 am
Only a dog would praise the parfum de le fart.
April 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm
HAHAHA! I love you Mugs!
April 26, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Ooh, a new Fiverr venture for HK!
April 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm
Dear Glues-Shit-to-Rocks…
Fuck you.
Best regards,
The Universe
April 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm
April, I want to have your drama babies.
April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Wow, your’ve moved me to post for the very first time. Ther’s nothing better than sitting alone in a dark room with a laptop, laughing hysterically.
FUROSHIKI
April 26, 2012 at 5:51 pm
CLUB FUROSHIKI 4 LYFE
April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm
“i feel the weight of finished collage in my hand”
uh, that’s not finished collage.
April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I turned off ZZ Top to listen to your track. YOU DID NOT DISAPPOINT.
Thank you
April 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm
Oh my goodness! Special effects and BIG music. And you even retained the grammatical errors! You truly “is” a tortured artist, “isn’t” you?
“…using a form of Japanese BULLSHIT called ‘fuckeryshiki’”
April 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm
Very Bill Shatner. Nicely done.
April 26, 2012 at 7:55 pm
Argh, I knew I should of read the comments before posting. In my defense I am incredibly lazy.
April 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I love the improvisational use of the vodka stein echo to emphasize key concepts.
April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm
I’m pretty sure this is my favorite post ever.
April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm
did anybody else google furoshiki? yeah. it’s artfully packaged in a cloth wrapped like something that should be hanging off the back of a stick. people amaze me.
April 26, 2012 at 4:55 pm
They work better than WalMart bags, but not if full of rocks.
April 26, 2012 at 11:25 pm
Holy shit….a furoshiki hobo wedding!!
April 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm
It’s usually snugger than a hobo bindle, isn’t it?
Anyway, think of it as a peculiarly Japanese analogue of folding up dinner napkins for fancy parties if it makes you feel better.
April 27, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Bindle! Thank you! I knew there was a word for that but for the life of me I couldn’t remember it.
http://www.bindlestiff.org/
April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm
April, will you read me a bedtime story??
April 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm
I imagine it wouldn’t sound too different from this one… (nsfw language)
April 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm
The facial expressions had to be priceless. There should have been pictures.
April 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I will now rudely interrupt the rest of the sentences I hear today and finish them by saying – dramatically – TO COLLAGE!
My husband: “I think we’re going to have to take the highway in order -”
Me: “TO COLLAGE!!”
April 26, 2012 at 6:59 pm
My two-year-old thinks “college” means jail. This is close enough to strengthen her conviction that going to college is a lifelong punishment.
April 26, 2012 at 8:54 pm
No, just the student loans.
April 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm
That was amazing!
April 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm
I should know better than to listen to Regretsy things like this when eating mac & cheese, especially Mysteregretsy Theatre containing the word ‘furoshiki’, which I now need two of to clean my keyboard.
April 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Better order some damn rocks then.
April 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm
I spend hours and hours on the items for my listings and I have very few sales but people are able to sell rocks like this left and right… Did I piss someone off somewhere along the lines?! It’s things like this that make me want to stick my head into the kitchen oven.
April 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm
I worry about pricing and how much people can afford and then I see that they are willing to pay ten dollars for a couple of rocks that they could go outside and find in their yard or the park.
April 26, 2012 at 5:18 pm
Not even a couple of rocks! Just one.
April 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Right. A couple of rocks would be $20.
April 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm
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April 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm
That was brilliant. I laughed, I laughed, and I laughed. Moments like this are why I wish I had followed my childhood dream of becoming a voice actor instead of terminally unemployed.
April 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm
They’re very closely related.
April 27, 2012 at 7:15 am
I’m sorry to hear that. April, with a voice like that, you SHOULD be working steadily and getting paid well for it. I think I speak for all of the FJLs here when I say that we’re glad you’ve found so many OTHER ways to spread joy as well.
April 26, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I don’t understand why it wasn’t photographed on boat wood.
April 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Anyone else kinda wishing she had a version in Clarabelle Cow’s voice?
April 26, 2012 at 5:07 pm
she’ll do the c & d rebuttal. in clarabelle.
just wait,
April 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Please. Oh please.
April 26, 2012 at 5:01 pm
I totally pictured the California dairy cow reading this. I hope there are many more of these. Maybe you can use your industry connections to get Shatner to guest star in one?!
April 26, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Ah, apparently the Nine have crossed the river Isen, eternally bound to the collaged pebble of power. Great theater all around!
April 26, 2012 at 5:22 pm
“One rock to rule them all….”
April 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm
And one collage to bind them…
April 26, 2012 at 5:02 pm
Now read us Ken’s letter. Now. Do it. You know you want to.
April 26, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Oh… my… god…. I almost passed out imagining how that would sound.
April 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 26, 2012 at 5:23 pm
Too late.
April 26, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Not for nothing, but you’re actually completely wrong.
April 27, 2012 at 12:35 am
It seems to be somewhere between the 2 pronunciations. Here are 2 Japanese native speakers saying “Furoshiki”:
http://www.forvo.com/word/furoshiki/
The second one (male) does sound a little bit more like how rahrahratty sounded it out.
It doesn’t really matter whether or not April pronounced it perfectly, but I did feel kinda bad that rahrahratty got so many thumbs down.
April 27, 2012 at 2:50 am
They sound the same as each other. The thing is that they are saying it naturally and April is saying it dramatically. If you listen closely to the recordings, they sound out each syllable clearly – they don’t run them together, which is what it looks like rahrahratty was trying to say – it’s just that they are saying it much more quickly than April did.
April 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm
I just want to have “FUROSHIKI” just over and over again as my ring tone.
And I don’t even have a phone.
Bravo woman, bravo.
April 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Just this afternoon I was contemplating doing a dramatic reading of the two cease and desist letters, Love Letters style.
April 26, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Thanks to Malibu Barbie I am now a fan of Regretsy! Oh well, worse things have happened but I think maybe I should have used the word “addicted” in there somewhere.
I think I need to write one of these “tortured” descriptions on an Etsy listing just to amuse myself.
And this little gem made it to the “front page”? Clearly I am doing something wrong.
April 26, 2012 at 5:08 pm
how come I can’t get it to play, I keep getting an error message?
April 26, 2012 at 5:12 pm
never mind
April 26, 2012 at 5:16 pm
If I’m gonna get a rock with musical shit glued on it, I want it to have some Black Flag lyrics.
April 26, 2012 at 6:34 pm
More thumbs! I need more thumbs!!!!!
April 27, 2012 at 12:37 am
Yeah, it should really at least be rock music.
April 26, 2012 at 5:17 pm
Oh please read Ken’s rebuttal letter for us! I am having a shitty week and a Friday or Saturday CF4L post that I could play over and over while drinking would REALLY make things so much better.
We love you. We want to hold you and squeeze you and call you George. Then we want to listen to you dramatically read well-written legal prose.
April 27, 2012 at 12:53 am
YOU HAPPENED TO ME???????????????????????
April 27, 2012 at 8:15 am
I did and you LOVED it.
Except for the canary for lunch part.
April 27, 2012 at 1:59 pm
What about that hulking beast of a platter-rat with tomatoes?
April 26, 2012 at 5:18 pm
You scared the shit out of my cat when it came time for FUROSHIKI~~~~
And then again with the LoTR crescendo at the end.
Pure excellence.
April 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Regretsy! Oops, wait, aren’t we playing Etsy or Regretsy?
April 26, 2012 at 5:22 pm
I was giggling like mad till “FUROSHIKI!!!!”. Then I cackled so hard I think I laid an egg. OMG, this made my day!
April 26, 2012 at 5:48 pm
*Gasp* You could glue paper to an EGG, and make the front page of Etsy! Inspired.
April 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Well that Etsy seller really has stones
April 26, 2012 at 5:43 pm
OMG is that background music Mahler or Stravinsky? Whatever it is, it was so beautifully chosen, I died a little.
This was BEAUTIFUL, and I wept at the powerful rendition of the prose.
Although I’m still wondering if the rock comes with the hearts, and while I bet it doesn’t, I’m kind of sad there wasn’t a line about that. I bet it would have been awesome. “includes wrapped rock. hearts of stone you have to make yourself – just like life!” Dum dum dunnnnnnnnnn!
April 26, 2012 at 5:48 pm
I wonder if we can get Auntie Vera Charles to do the next episode of Regretsy Theater. I still chuckle whenever I remember that classic rendition of “Porn for the Blind”…
April 26, 2012 at 7:24 pm
I would love the opportunity of a bit part in a Regretsy Theater episode. Love, Love, Love it!!
April 26, 2012 at 5:58 pm
I decided it was far more entertaining than listening to my husband watching starship troopers 3. TRUE STORY The TT soundtrack has completed me.
April 26, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Wait…so…its a rock…with paper glued to it?
*blinks*
April 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Perhaps you’d like to kick it up a notch, to lace wrapped around the rock? Well, here you go: http://www.etsy.com/listing/73514133/crochet-lace-stone-nature-decorated
April 26, 2012 at 7:01 pm
It’s pretty good crochet. But it’s wrapped round a rock.
April 26, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I agree on both counts. I crochet and I look at that and think, “It’s wrapped around a rock. Who would ever think to do work and then wrap it around a rock. Even an old, damaged doily can be put to better use…then again, she sells rocks wrapped in crochet, so who am I to question?”
April 27, 2012 at 7:22 am
You know what? I could see doing that really small, on a tiny stone (perhaps about the size of an actual thumbnail), and then hanging the stone on a chain and selling it as a necklace. Use a pretty stone, and THAT would be crochet lace art put to good use.
April 27, 2012 at 8:25 am
Now I’d buy one of those.
April 26, 2012 at 7:12 pm
And it hasn’t been collaged
April 26, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Even with all of the collective asshattery and fuckery of the last week this is the post that has finally prompted me to come out of lurking.
I laughed so hard my husband peed a little. I may have scared him…
Bravo! And finger snaps, or whatever passes for applause to the hipster types these days.
April 26, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Brava! Tosses flowers at April……
April 26, 2012 at 6:04 pm
needs more barnwood
April 26, 2012 at 7:10 pm
only if there’s a rock tied to it.
April 26, 2012 at 6:06 pm
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/558516 voice interpretation of a bad review, great stuff, similar music
April 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm
I was fine until “…COLLAGE”. Then I lost it. I went down hill from there, much to the utter confusion of my 3 y/o.
April 26, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Everything confused me. I thought the dried up flowers or old electric plugs were ear buds at first, and with the music reference in the title I thought “is this rock also an mp3 player?” (which would have been interesting at least)
and then, THEN I noticed the embedded audio player and I was transported to an entirely different plane.
Brava.
April 26, 2012 at 6:22 pm
I don’t mind the stupid shit people sell on Etsy. What drives me crazy is that people actually buy it.
A bad painting, sure…I can see wanting to purchase a ridiculous train wreck. Even Andrew Hussie has gone that route. But this isn’t something that requires a special talent in “bad”. Anyone who isn’t quadriplegic can grab a rock and glue bits of paper to it.
This isn’t even like John Cage’s, “I’m the first one to think of recording silence and selling it LOL” kind of fuck-you art. It’s more of, “I did something everyone has thought of and tried already, and I’ll ship it to you in the mail even though it would be easier to do it yourself ROFL” kind of fuck-you-and-the-my-little-pony-you-rode-in-on art.
So who actually buys something like this? Is there someone out there who both likes this “art”, and has no idea how to glue shit to a rock?! Help me understand before the Benadryl kicks in.
April 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Quadriplegics of course! How else are they going to get their rocks with paper “collaged” onto them? Clearly she is performing a great service to a severely underrepresented group in our society.
(Btw, that line had me laughing so hard. INSPIRED.)
April 26, 2012 at 6:54 pm
I work at a county agency that employs people with mental disabilities. They either come in and do piece work or participate in activities (there are art rooms and sewing rooms and etc).
They make more interesting things than this. In fact I’m pretty sure one of the quadriplegics probably COULD glue paper onto a rock, if they put their mind to it.
April 27, 2012 at 12:27 am
When I was in high school we had a field trip to an agency like yours, and I was surprised to realise how much of the arts and crafts sold in tourist shops in my city was being made by these fantastic people. Now everytime I visit my parents and walk past a souvenir shop that sells shell people with googly eyes I remember those people I saw making them and how proud they were to be working.
And yes, their stuff was miles better than that rock.
April 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm
You had me at Furoshiki…
April 26, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Doesn’t everybody want a rock to wind a piece of string around? Oh, they come pre-assembled… Well, forget it then.
April 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm
I simply must make this a ringtone for my work phone.
April 26, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I’m surprised this cupcake was actually grounded enough in reality to put the disclaimer that it is not a toy for small children!
Though, I guess that makes it OK to give to a 10-year-old who is so not gonna throw it through a window or at a bird or something.
April 26, 2012 at 6:47 pm
COLLAGE!
April 26, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Amazeballs!!!!!
April 26, 2012 at 6:53 pm
you just brightened my day. that was incredible. I’m going to collage a boner drawing on a stone for you as a humble thank you.
April 26, 2012 at 7:02 pm
Now that’s what I call… ACT-ing!
-Master Thespian
April 26, 2012 at 7:04 pm
That maniacal giggling made my day. Nothing can be bad in a world with that laugh.
April 26, 2012 at 7:05 pm
How delightfully full of win!
April 26, 2012 at 7:38 pm
That was transplendent. Whoa.
April 26, 2012 at 7:43 pm
RAD! THAT WAS SO RAD! I’m doing burnouts in my kitchen with glee.
April 26, 2012 at 7:44 pm
I’m running around doing burnouts in my kitchen because that was so rad!
April 26, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Oh look, I posted twice somehow. Not my fault!
April 26, 2012 at 7:47 pm
Can’t stop laughing……………………..
April 26, 2012 at 8:16 pm
I love this, but my happiness wilted when I saw that there is no Regretsy Theatre category. I just can’t commit to something that has no definite future in my life!
April 26, 2012 at 8:29 pm
Now in my head all Etsy sellers are manic Disney villains.
April 26, 2012 at 8:33 pm
I’m glad I was sitting while listening to that. I had numerous flashbacks to cartoons of my childhood and now I need a drink and an advil. That was pretty freaking cool. <3 you HK. <3 you so hard.
April 26, 2012 at 8:45 pm
I want a recording of O Fortuna playing in the background on my next conference call at work. And when I am paying for my groceries. And just following me everywhere. I think it would be a boon to my fat jealous loserosity.
April 26, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Hilarious. (I’m surprised you didn’t start this sooner.)
You should have no shortage of material to mine. I’ve found the quality of item offered is often conversely proportional to the amount of fluffy prose lathered up to describe it.
April 26, 2012 at 8:58 pm
April 26, 2012 at 9:09 pm
a rock is sold for $10 as a desk accessory, wrapped using ancient hobo techniques, and makes it to the front page.
I wonder if I can request a bash-my-brain-in size. You know, to be ironic and stuff.
April 26, 2012 at 9:22 pm
I’m Deaf but have enough hearing, with aids and really really really expensive headphones, to hear this. Now I have justified the really really really expensive headphones. What a beautfully bumptious voice.
Also has anyone noticed that the bit of text snipped from the book is untrimmed? Her little Etsy-issue scissors didn’t remove the traces of text from the lines above and below before the Etsy-issue glue got involved. Perhaps she was too busy pursuing peace or something to notice.
April 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Well, then the proportions would have been off. You can’t imagine how much work goes into getting the proportions just right! Your $10 buys not having to look at all the failed attempts with the paper around the text disproportionally small to the staves. These things take effort, I tell you!
April 27, 2012 at 12:00 am
I know, right!? That was the first thing I noticed. The artist has two jobs–cut out the paper, and glue it on the rock, but I’m not sure there was any artistic significance to the crookedness of the cutting. Carelessness, maybe, but then I don’t know. All I know is that would bug the hell out of me while I was trying to enjoy my rock!
April 27, 2012 at 12:29 am
I know! There’s also an air bubble above the word Seek, which could have some deep and significant meaning, or not.
April 27, 2012 at 9:51 am
When you burst it, a bitter rancid smell escapes. It is the Fart of Imperfection. Capture it! Celebrate it! Collage it!
April 26, 2012 at 9:47 pm
April, please, please make a ring tone!
April 26, 2012 at 10:01 pm
Screw Regretsy, you should become a voice actor!
April 27, 2012 at 7:52 am
You have a good ear for talent; I was under the impression she is one.
April 26, 2012 at 10:01 pm
Tell us anover stowy, Auntie April?
April 26, 2012 at 10:09 pm
I listened to this earlier today and loved it. Then tonight I got stood up on a date and listened again. Made my night much better!
April 27, 2012 at 12:07 am
He doesn’t deserve your FJL awesomeness, anyway.
April 27, 2012 at 12:34 am
I got stood up by a friend today, too! Maybe it’s a day for being stood up?
April 27, 2012 at 9:43 pm
That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me
. He ended up making it up today, but I was still perturbed and told him so haha. Regretsy really is full of assholes like you 
April 26, 2012 at 10:20 pm
I will hear this in my dreams, and probably wake up crying.
April 26, 2012 at 10:25 pm
That was positively brilliant!
You know, I didn’t put 2 and 2 together before–Helen, how about doing a voice over for both of those Cease and Desist letters?
And I just want to say to everyone: thank you. I am new to regretsy and have gotten the biggest laughs out of the wittily written blog posts by Helen and the comments. Just hysterical! So, thank you.
April 26, 2012 at 10:52 pm
That tears it. I gotta get the sound working on my computer again.
April 26, 2012 at 11:54 pm
Ah, gluing paper to rocks: the cheap man’s engraving.
April 27, 2012 at 12:21 am
Another great dramatic reading:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBHOL1PcPR8
April 27, 2012 at 12:26 am
I’m impressed with anyone who can utter the phrase – my day brightens – and make it sound positively evil.
April 27, 2012 at 12:41 am
Am I the only one who thinks it’s ironic that this is a ROCK that can’t be taken outside or anywhere it might get wet?
April 27, 2012 at 8:38 am
I love that it says that it can’t be taken anywhere. Presumably she meant outside, but I like her version better. Do not have this rock anywhere. I will follow her advise on that.
April 27, 2012 at 1:02 am
Fuck me running (3 more words for the Steampunk Duct Tape Lady).
I’m so inspired by the creative stuff the FJL’s here sell on Etsy, but we ain’t gonna be featured on the front page ’cause a lot of what the people who congregate here make have colour, originality & humour. Etsy doesn’t appreciate that. Literal only, please. Tongues do not belong in cheeks. As a matter of fact, we’d prefer you don’t talk about tongues (or other body parts) at all. But if you wanna photograph one to sell your vintage clock radio, well that’s super cool with us… I digress.
This fucking rock is yet another example of the vanilla that ‘rocks’ Etsy’s world. Shit with more shit glued to it…only with ‘beautiful prose’ & the magic of FUROSHIKI. And some poor bastard is gonna get this as a Secret Santa gift & have to thank someone for it! Because it was featured on Etsy, which is important to some Oprah book club lemming.
WOW, I AM an FJL! Awesome evening of theatre, though!
April 27, 2012 at 1:40 am
Now that’ what I call heartfelt.
April 27, 2012 at 2:22 am
Please please please let Regretsy Theatre become a regular feature, that was simply glorious!
April 27, 2012 at 3:25 am
I’m getting a jPlayer error. Anyone else is getting that too?
April 27, 2012 at 3:53 pm
Anyone? I am still getting the error. Here is what it says:
“jPlayer 1.2.0 : id=’haiku-player1′ : Error!
Problem with Flash component.
Check the swfPath points at the Jplayer.swf path.
swfPath = http://static.regretsy.com/wp-content/plugins/haiku-minimalist-audio-player/js/
url: http://static.regretsy.com/wp-content/plugins/haiku-minimalist-audio-player/js/Jplayer.swf
Error: a._getMovie() is undefined”
Is this gonna be fixed?
April 28, 2012 at 12:23 am
Okay, never mind… I guess no one cares.
April 27, 2012 at 4:17 am
“Dear Sir or Madame,
As a recent purchaser of your handmade desk accessory, I would appreciate you sending the instruction sheet that was not shipped with the item. Despite the damage of the rock portion in transit through the post office, it all apparently still works, to the best of my knowledge, as shown in your detailed photographs.
My colleagues have otherwise tried using it as a stapler and a coffee warmer, with little success in either case. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
J. Freud Barnwood
A Turnee-At-Law”
April 27, 2012 at 4:40 am
Good news, it’s still available!
April 27, 2012 at 5:28 am
That, was mooooooAAAARRRvelous.
April 27, 2012 at 5:30 am
I was fine until the rendition of the very last word at which point I lost it and spat my tea over the keyboard.
April 27, 2012 at 6:25 am
I’m no scholar but I SWEAR “Seek peace, and pursue it” (complete with comma?) is from the bible. A psalm maybe? “Vintage book” ….. talk about creative descriptions :/
April 27, 2012 at 7:08 am
Well then, the words are practically antiques! She could reach a whole new audience to hawk her stones to.
April 27, 2012 at 8:43 am
Indeed it is: http://bible.cc/psalms/34-14.htm
I’m not even Christian and I wouldn’t feel comfortable cutting up what I presume was a vintage or antique hymnal (although probably more because I like music and antique things).
April 27, 2012 at 8:02 am
And so, I have been moved to de-lurk, and say “yea, awesome”, and possibly throw down a pencil.
April 27, 2012 at 9:00 am
My four year old thought this was the funniest thing she’s ever heard. She said “Mom! That’s Hilarious!!”
April 27, 2012 at 9:21 am
Honestly. April’s voice acting set against a LOTR score just made my year.
April 27, 2012 at 10:15 am
i’m getting an error and it won’t play. *sob*
April 27, 2012 at 10:25 am
…but… WHERE are the SCISSORS???
April 27, 2012 at 10:27 am
Oh my god, “not for use anywhere.” Epic.
April 27, 2012 at 2:15 pm
FUROSHIKI!
April 27, 2012 at 4:00 pm
what are the little heart things doing there? why? are they included? if not, why not? would it really be that much more difficult/expensive to include them? if theyre not included, why are they there?
does the seller realize that she is charging ten bucks for a rock that is less than two inches long? does she know that by cutting up a book & then pasting whatever she found therein onto a rock that she is defiling both objects? no? why no?
April 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm
i like this so much i might have to go to the matinee as well
April 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm
That was the most amazing thing out of my whole day.
I demand more!
April 27, 2012 at 6:37 pm
I lost it at FUROSHIKI!
April 27, 2012 at 7:22 pm
I have a dog hairball, all organic and beautiful black . anyone want to buy it?
EPIC
April 27, 2012 at 10:57 pm
“I can’t believe I’m analyzing paper glued to a rock.” Line worth repeating.
April 27, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Rock, paper, glue. Gee I wish I was talented enough to do that!
April 28, 2012 at 4:52 am
I know it’s the Lord of the Rings soundtrack (only from having read all the comments
) but I am irresistibly reminded of Cruella De Ville. As in, I felt as though there were unseen little dalmatians surrounding me, all cute and cuddly; but their big dark eyes were growing wider, and they were shrinking in on themselves as the voice went on, alternately beckoning and threatening…
That movie scared the shit out of me as a kid. Am I going to have nightmares tonight?
April 28, 2012 at 10:09 am
Hehe, I’m in community theater, just started this year…. April, I think I may need you as my acting coach.
April 28, 2012 at 3:23 pm
Oh my god, I haven’t laughed so hard in a looong time.
When will you be casting for the Regresty Monologues?
April 29, 2012 at 8:42 am
April has made it onto my list of people I want to read phone books. It’s getting to be a really long list.
April 30, 2012 at 7:06 am
I’m deaf. Can someone transcribe the audio for me, since April never does it?
thanks!
April 30, 2012 at 7:15 am
That is, never posts it for the gimps out there. Or heck, for those who can’t listen to things at work.
May 1, 2012 at 9:12 am
Well, this time around it’s already transcribed lol. The audio clip is of April giving a dramatic reading of that horrendous item’s equally horrendous description. (Which, by the way, totally cracked me up. Thanks, madam!)
May 1, 2012 at 12:45 am
311 admirers for that freakin rock.
August 22, 2012 at 5:51 pm
For some reason, I’m imagining a small island in the middle of the South Pacific in the 1940s. Overhead, a US Air Force bomber drops its nuclear payload. A mushroom cloud envelops the island and sky.
Now, on the island, among the scattered ash and sand, a massive grey shadow moves into sight. The ocean begins to foam and waves rise and crash violently on the beach.
Elsewhere, a small Japanese fishing boat is caught in the storm. As the horrified captain orders his sailors to the lifeboats, the shadow appears over the boat, breaking it in half.
Days later, the sky is clear and the captain is adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean when a Norwegian merchant ship rescues him. He rants madly in terror. When the sailors aboard the rescuing ship ask him what he saw that has him so upset, he answers, whispering, “…Furoshiki. Furoshiki.”