Sometimes the descriptions that people come up with on Etsy are so tortured, they cruise right past annoying and pull into community theatre’s driveway.
To that end, please enjoy the first episode of REGRETSY THEATRE.
All the fuckery here and the thing that bothers me most is that comma.
There was a comma?
Check the rock.
It’s the William Shatner of rocks.
No, no, no, folks. Hold your applause. Easily Distracted beat me to it.
Sounds more like Adrian Mole to me.
Oh, THAT comma!
I thought she meant “coma”. That level of twee fuckery tends to bring it on.
Okay, I went back and looked. WTF are you talking about? Do you mean the fact that there isn’t a single comma in the entire description?
Oh, that comma. I was trying so hard not to look directly at the fuckery itself. Thanks for that.
It’s like deer to headlights. We get mesmerized by the fuckery if we stare at it for too long.
Holy Hell, my thoughts exactly. Or should I say…
Holy, Hell my thoughts exactly.
W . tf .. n. sr,sly ..
It’s not just the comma – sitting, there, in, the, middle, of, the, sentence, like, a, special, dog, turd – but the fucktastic redundancy of the second half of the sentence. (If you seek, then yes madam, you pursue).
What the hell am I talking about? The whole thing is fucktasically redundant.
yes, yes, yes, but she took it out of a vintage book and then, she collaged it – it’s not her fault – it’s the fault of the rock! It’s imperfect, she said so.
There are two main clauses: “Seek peace.” “Pursue it.” They are joined by “and”, and there’s usually a comma before that “and”, but it can be omitted when the sentences are very short. I doubt it’s wrong to not omit it, though.
To seek Waldo is different from pursuing him. Also, you can keep pursuing something once you have found it, but you cannot keep seeking.
If you have “and” then you do not need a comma. In fact, most style manuals (particularly in the US) would argue that it is incorrect punctuation to ever have a comma before “and”. There are some special occasions where a comma before “and” may be tolerated if it improves clarity, but this is not one of those cases and in this particular context the comma is definitely bad form.
But I’m pretty sure that in a list in which the last item follows an ‘and,’ a comma is always correct.
“I would like to thank my parents, the Pope and Sinead O’Connor.”
There are many occasions in which the Oxford Comma is necessary, not only in adhering to university writing and referencing styles, but also in clarifying exactly whom one’s parents are (emphatically NOT the Pope and Sinead O’Connor)!
So far as the rock goes, I don’t think it’s wrong, persay; removing it seems to change the tone from advice to imperative, so the effect of the comma is softening. Soft, like the inside of that seller’s head, as that comma is pretty much the only thing not entirely, utterly, and absolutely wrong with this listing………… X(
You will never take my Oxford comma from me! Furthermore, since the sentence fragment is clipped from a book, we’ve no context for the comma.
No, that is actually incorrect. Commas are ALWAYS supposed to separate clauses when there are more than one in a sentence, and often the second clause is preceded by AND, OR, BUT, etc.
In simpler terms, if you can find more than one complete sentence within a sentence, a comma should separate them. In this case: “Seek peace.” “Pursue it.”
Technically these are complete sentences because they have a subject and a verb, so therefore it is grammatically correct to use a comma; however, as someone said above, it is also okay to omit it because the sentence is so short.
TL;DR: you’re not entirely wrong, but I simply wanted to correct you because you said it is incorrect to EVER use a comma before “and”, which is quite the opposite.
If the fucklister is actually making that point, wouldn’t it be “seek peace, then pursue it”?
I can’t believe I’m analyzing paper glued to a rock.
It really should be “seek peace; pursue it”
For me, the value of everything increases with semi-colons.
For, me it is “accesory” right, there..in the title
This looks like a piece of choral music. Sometimes the publishers put in rogue commas to let everyone know when to breathe. That said, it bugged me too. But not as much as the lack of hyphen in “egg shaped.”
I seriously thought you said “hymen”.
So the egg-shaped wasn’t a virgin?
At least it was a Comma, and not…an Ellipsis.
Or extra . spaces . and . periods!
They . are… highy artistic . and signify something.
Don’t you go hating on the ellipses! Ellipses can be so…dramatic and when…used IN…a particular…fashion…bestows upon ALL writing a…dramatic and…even a…melodramatic Shatnerian tone. At other times…it…will give the listener…the experience…of…Walkerian speech. It is A good thing.
I’m sure Barbara Cartland thought so. Most of her books were filled out by ellipses. No wonder she managed to write twenty novels a year.
three … within a sentence is ellipsis. What you have there is four…. I don’t remember what it’s called but it means you’re quoting and have omitted more than a phrase within a sentence, you’ve omitted at least one full sentence.
Oh help, what is that called?? Durn rock!!!
Is there an award for the “mostest perfectest” thread — because I’m thinking this one needs to be nominated.
I didn’t make it past the missing “s” in the listing title (‘accesory’).
This type of thing grinds my ass raw.
Bless you. This is exactly how I hear Etsy and eBay listing headlines in my head.
April, can you please do this more often? This made my day.Thank you.
I second this motion! I’ve listened to it 3 times and I’m still giggling!
Can you do it in the voice of.. Clarabell? She’s muh favourite… or is . that too licensed and c.o.p.y.r.i.g.h.t..e.d….. to do? oh oh… or Mrs. Finster… while. that would scare me shitless… . well… there’s nothing else to that statement actually……….. … . ……. … . … ……
I’m going to be shouting “FUROSHIKI!” at passers-by all day…
Squee! I’m have a grammargasm because you wrote “passers-by” and not “passer-bys”!!
My toddler just learned the word “DRAMATIC!”
I was reading the description and laughing that HK had gone so over the top with fuckery. I was a bit disappointed that there was nothing clever about it; then I got to the end and saw that it was for real.
I can’t be the only one who got wet and hard when she said FUROSHIKI, can I?
Usually that happens in reverse order…
Whenever she said “small” I thought of the Stephen King nesting dolls from the Regretsy Christmas Special.
I recorded a dramatic reading of the cease and desist letter this morning, but I cannot bear to share my meagre effort after hearing April’s interpretation of this masterpiece.
I still think you should share it.
You might even get a governmment arts grant, it’s the sort of thing that gets them here!
I think the seller means we should seek peace, pursue it and beat it into submission with the rock! I imagine it would be something like this.
Loved the dramatic reading!
I would LOVE more Regretsy Theater!! I have played this one more than I will admit to. Next time April does one, I will be sure to have a bowl of popcorn ready!
I’m glad I didn’t this time or it would have gone flying with FUROSHIKI!!
What about Fushigi?
Is it wrong that I want to buy this for my small child now?
only if you let it get wet
You also have to feed it after midnight.
What, you don’t usually buy rocks for small children to play with?
I’d read through most of that description before I realized April didn’t write it herself. Sweet suffering Christ.
Me: Oh that April… she’s so… oh… oh… oh my god. Somebody actually wrote this bullshit for serious.
Please get out of my head. You’re confusing the dogs.
You have dogs in your head? Jealous! All the voices in my head belong to people. Well there is that one that I THINK is a cat but I have yet to prove it because he-…dammit, I have to go. One of them just told me it’s time to get naked, run around the house 3 times and then go to bed.
Yes and one of them is the dog in my avatar, Ramona (registered as Ramona the Brave). It is scary how much control she has… It’s like a Jedi MindDog…..
I know, I totally thought this was a etsy-or-regretsy post at first.
Disregarding the fact that this cupcake-monger is trying to charge a tenner (plus postage) for a rock with some paper glued to it: they ‘rescued’ a vintage book, and then mutilated it?
BURN THE INFIDEL.
I have several rocks outside my office and a buttload of legal documents at my desk. I foresee early retirement based on rocks with “do not expect us to collate your information” (seriously we have a letter that says that) or “Facts alleged to constitute the violation.” $10 please.
How about “GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY”?
I don’t think we have that, but hi, I have a computer and a printer so I can make that happen. Shit, I have a separate label printer. I won’t even need to buy glue.
Wait, what about “This CEASE and DESIST ORDER has been issued”? I know it’s spelled correctly but for some reason we really do have the caps like that.
Oh god, wait. I want to glue the cease and desist order one to a brick so it can be thrown through windows. Cease and desist, motherfuckers.
MAKE IT SO.
I think that’s how eviction notices and foreclosures should be given.
GranoblasticMan – Yep, easy enough. Just throw the rock through the window and you’re sure they’ve received it!
Ok. Now that I have commuted home and scavenged some rocks out of the yard, here is what happened.
That one is a SMALL stone.
This one didn’t turn out very well because the paint wasn’t enough of a contrast but behind the x is an iron. A poorly drawn iron, on a goddamn rock. Basically my greatest achievement to date.
I think I may make one of these on a creamy beach rock, since I have a printer and some gel medium. should I put a yak on it too?
I’d buy a rock with that glued or painted on it, but not for $10.
they’d have to be good “throwing through window” sizes however.
There was a tutorial on how to do this in a recent UK crafts magazine. I don’t remember which one; as soon as I saw that article, I dropped the magazine and went to wash the Cupcake off my hands.
How to glue paper to rocks? Oh my, the magazine industry really is struggling.
Aw, why you gotta hate on community theatre?
I swear, this performance was given in every one of my college voice classes.
And the Emmy goes to..
Best thing I’ve heard all day.
i want the audiobook! but with the caveat that i will not listen in the car… all that drama will get me a wreck fo sho!
I very much appreciate the Lord of the Rings soundtrack in the background.
THANK YOU! All I could think of was TWO TOWERS! But It was beautifully timed to the “poem”.
Is it from Two Towers? I recently watched FotR and I could swear the ending music is the Nagzul (It sounds like the toned-down version of Minas Morgul in RotK) but I couldn’t place the music so I de-lurked and made an account just to ask.
Wow, that was a horrible way to start this off.
It’s from Fellowship. Because that’s just how much we nerd-out over here.
It’s the music from when the Nazgul attack the empty beds in Bree.
YES. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who recognized that!
I was just about to post the brilliance of the reading when I heard that. And the brilliance cruised right on past brilliance and straight into the epic. And I mean that in the traditional way, not the hipster meme way.
All that is missing from that description is papyrus.
I don’t usually de-lurk and comment, but I was deeply moved by that dramatic reading. Truly an epic rendering of an epic product description.
I am a seagull.
I am a walrus. Koo-koo-a-choo.
Shut the fuck up, Donnie.
The Big Lebowski reference fail.
Thanks, Tursiart. I’ve never seen the movie, *ducks* but it’s on my long list of movies to be seen.
Your ashes just hit my face.
@BGS: But I don’t smoke! Hell, I don’t even burn!
/Always anxious to work that Honeymooners joke into a conversation.
It ain’t a cigarette sweetheart. Rent the movie. SO worth it.
This isn’t Vietnam. This is bowling. There are rules.
What do you do for recreation?
Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.
i laughed… i cried… i peed my pants!
Me too, me too. I also choked on a olive pit whilst wheedling myself. It’s a new low (could be a new high) that I have personally reached while reading/listening to these gems that April mines for us.
You shall not pass!
You shall not paste!
the ~dramatic echo~ was an inspired choice.
I think this is an excellent sign that it’s time for me to stop being naked and go to class.
I like that you sampled music from the Lord of the Rings movies, by the way.
True story, my preference for nudity is accountable for about half my absences. (The other half is my addiction to cuddling. I have a down comforter and DAMN that thing has made me tardy.)
Of course, I’m paying out the ass so I figure I should be able to stay in bed and study if I want to
My husband and I have often been moved to call in cuddly. We never thought our bosses would really go for it, though.
“I’m sorry, I simply can’t make it to work today. I’m far too snuggly.”
I guess this is what the people who hoard fortune cookie messages can do to profit from their hauls.
Also, REGRETSY THEATRE made me weep. I hope to hear many more of these!
Absolutely! This needs to be a regular thing:-D Bravissima!
That was a rather intense and somewhat sensual experience for me… I feel the need… the need to collage-age-age…
That was beautiful, Hellen Killer. You should consider a career in voice-over acting!
Seriously! Some people just don’t have what it takes but Helen, well, she just has this natural talent, almost like she’s been doing this for years!
I like to think that this is how the initial readings of Clarabelle Cow always go, before Disney steps in and asks for something slightly toned down.
The out-takes have choirs of angels with harps whenever she talks about finding the magic button on the triangle bush.
I totally agree, but because of Regretsy’s notoriety, she probably should create an alter-ego, like Hannah Montana did.
Wait … isn’t that HK’s actual career, when she’s not eating deep-fried hamburgers and getting drunk?
Speaking of drunk, am I the only FJL to notice that “accessory” isn’t spelled correctly? Or are we giving the Etsy faeries a glitter-coated pass on that now, since spelling’s so linguistically sexist, or something?
Okay, why the down-thumbing? I meant all that with respect. Off to stick a bag over my head.
Well, if you have to explain the joke…
Silly, drunken hamburgering is a career!
The voice-acting is just a hobby.
There, there, RPB. Your comment was lovely after the first six words.
I enjoyed this even more than I enjoyed Towel Mike. And lemme tell you, that is sayin’ something. This has to be a regular feature here, please April please oh please. Just too brilliant.
Whatever happened to Towel Mike? D:
best dramatic reading.
I turned up the speakers so it would emanate the gravity of the description.
It’s also wonderfully ominous and spooky… I’d play it over and over on Halloween if this were the script:
You are a bold and courageous person, afraid of nothing.
High on a hilltop near your home, there stands a dilapidated old mansion.
Some say the place is haunted, but you don’t believe in such myths.
One night, a light appears in the topmost window in a tower of the old house.
You decide to investigate. And you never return…
F U R O S H I K I
oh god…this needs and image, a gif…
No, it needs a remix A HUNDRED REMIXES!
Ah, if only Sparta megamixes were still relevant… It could actually work.
Oh god. A terrible thought has occurred: Someone needs to remix “furoshiki” with the music from the “Epic Spandy Guy” video.
I don’t know what’s going on in that picture, but those guys seem really excited about it.
Screw that. I love love love your Spadea pattern! Lovely!!
what a dork
and she can’t use commas
If only Etsy allowed sound bites in their listings April would have a whole new sideline doing the voice for everyone’s copy.
So I think now we have to have all the descriptions read to us like that. It’s really the only way.
Also bitch doesn’t know the difference between collage and decoupage.
I believe the word the seller was looking for was “collide.” As in, “After I buy this rock from you, it’s going to collide with your skull.”
This seller has over 200 sales, many of which are rocks tied to other rocks, or rock with paper glued to them. They do take pretty pictures, though, I will give them that. I wonder how many buyers get their item in the mail, and suddenly think, “What the hell did I buy?? It looked so pretty on Etsy, but really, it is a rock… tied to another rock.”
I think they just bought them for the furoshiki.
Anything wadded up in a scrap of white linen is worth $10.
There’s a Shroud of Turin joke in there somewhere.
A guy walks out of a tomb and into a bar…
I’ve seen this seller’s work on the front page numerous times. I’m bewildered!
I want to hear April read everything to me. I’d pay well
I don’t know about you, but I have a stockpile of California cheese enough to survive two nuclear holocausts.
I have a stockpile of cheese, but not all of it is California cheese.
I have a stockpile of Vermont cheese.
Wait, wait, I forgot that I also have some fabulous English stilton (yummers!) and Danish Castillo. Does that help my case?
I have a stockpile of cut cheese. Wanna hear?
@BGS, could you stand downwind from me? Or wag your tail a LOT?
Can you change the size of the smell?
The tonality of it is so worth the parfum.
Only a dog would praise the parfum de le fart.
HAHAHA! I love you Mugs!
Ooh, a new Fiverr venture for HK!
April, I want to have your drama babies.
Wow, your’ve moved me to post for the very first time. Ther’s nothing better than sitting alone in a dark room with a laptop, laughing hysterically.
CLUB FUROSHIKI 4 LYFE
“i feel the weight of finished collage in my hand”
uh, that’s not finished collage.
I turned off ZZ Top to listen to your track. YOU DID NOT DISAPPOINT.
Oh my goodness! Special effects and BIG music. And you even retained the grammatical errors! You truly “is” a tortured artist, “isn’t” you?
“…using a form of Japanese BULLSHIT called ‘fuckeryshiki’”
Very Bill Shatner. Nicely done.
Argh, I knew I should of read the comments before posting. In my defense I am incredibly lazy.
I love the improvisational use of the vodka stein echo to emphasize key concepts.
I’m pretty sure this is my favorite post ever.
did anybody else google furoshiki? yeah. it’s artfully packaged in a cloth wrapped like something that should be hanging off the back of a stick. people amaze me.
They work better than WalMart bags, but not if full of rocks.
Holy shit….a furoshiki hobo wedding!!
It’s usually snugger than a hobo bindle, isn’t it?
Anyway, think of it as a peculiarly Japanese analogue of folding up dinner napkins for fancy parties if it makes you feel better.
Bindle! Thank you! I knew there was a word for that but for the life of me I couldn’t remember it.
April, will you read me a bedtime story??
I imagine it wouldn’t sound too different from this one… (nsfw language)
The facial expressions had to be priceless. There should have been pictures.
I will now rudely interrupt the rest of the sentences I hear today and finish them by saying – dramatically – TO COLLAGE!
My husband: “I think we’re going to have to take the highway in order -”
Me: “TO COLLAGE!!”
My two-year-old thinks “college” means jail. This is close enough to strengthen her conviction that going to college is a lifelong punishment.
No, just the student loans.
That was amazing!
I should know better than to listen to Regretsy things like this when eating mac & cheese, especially Mysteregretsy Theatre containing the word ‘furoshiki’, which I now need two of to clean my keyboard.
Better order some damn rocks then.
I spend hours and hours on the items for my listings and I have very few sales but people are able to sell rocks like this left and right… Did I piss someone off somewhere along the lines?! It’s things like this that make me want to stick my head into the kitchen oven.
I worry about pricing and how much people can afford and then I see that they are willing to pay ten dollars for a couple of rocks that they could go outside and find in their yard or the park.
Not even a couple of rocks! Just one.
Right. A couple of rocks would be $20.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
If you add another rock, & turned it 60 degress to the right, it would look like poop coming out of a butt…
That was brilliant. I laughed, I laughed, and I laughed. Moments like this are why I wish I had followed my childhood dream of becoming a voice actor instead of terminally unemployed.
They’re very closely related.
I’m sorry to hear that. April, with a voice like that, you SHOULD be working steadily and getting paid well for it. I think I speak for all of the FJLs here when I say that we’re glad you’ve found so many OTHER ways to spread joy as well.
I don’t understand why it wasn’t photographed on boat wood.
Anyone else kinda wishing she had a version in Clarabelle Cow’s voice?
she’ll do the c & d rebuttal. in clarabelle.
Please. Oh please.
I totally pictured the California dairy cow reading this. I hope there are many more of these. Maybe you can use your industry connections to get Shatner to guest star in one?!
Ah, apparently the Nine have crossed the river Isen, eternally bound to the collaged pebble of power. Great theater all around!
“One rock to rule them all….”
And one collage to bind them…
Now read us Ken’s letter. Now. Do it. You know you want to.
Oh… my… god…. I almost passed out imagining how that would sound.
Not to detract from the genius of this one iota, but the pronunciation is closer to F’rowsh-kee
Not for nothing, but you’re actually completely wrong.
It seems to be somewhere between the 2 pronunciations. Here are 2 Japanese native speakers saying “Furoshiki”:
The second one (male) does sound a little bit more like how rahrahratty sounded it out.
It doesn’t really matter whether or not April pronounced it perfectly, but I did feel kinda bad that rahrahratty got so many thumbs down.
They sound the same as each other. The thing is that they are saying it naturally and April is saying it dramatically. If you listen closely to the recordings, they sound out each syllable clearly – they don’t run them together, which is what it looks like rahrahratty was trying to say – it’s just that they are saying it much more quickly than April did.
I just want to have “FUROSHIKI” just over and over again as my ring tone.
And I don’t even have a phone.
Bravo woman, bravo.
Just this afternoon I was contemplating doing a dramatic reading of the two cease and desist letters, Love Letters style.
Thanks to Malibu Barbie I am now a fan of Regretsy! Oh well, worse things have happened but I think maybe I should have used the word “addicted” in there somewhere.
I think I need to write one of these “tortured” descriptions on an Etsy listing just to amuse myself.
And this little gem made it to the “front page”? Clearly I am doing something wrong.
how come I can’t get it to play, I keep getting an error message?
If I’m gonna get a rock with musical shit glued on it, I want it to have some Black Flag lyrics.
More thumbs! I need more thumbs!!!!!
Yeah, it should really at least be rock music.
Oh please read Ken’s rebuttal letter for us! I am having a shitty week and a Friday or Saturday CF4L post that I could play over and over while drinking would REALLY make things so much better.
We love you. We want to hold you and squeeze you and call you George. Then we want to listen to you dramatically read well-written legal prose.
YOU HAPPENED TO ME???????????????????????
I did and you LOVED it.
Except for the canary for lunch part.
What about that hulking beast of a platter-rat with tomatoes?
You scared the shit out of my cat when it came time for FUROSHIKI~~~~
And then again with the LoTR crescendo at the end.
Regretsy! Oops, wait, aren’t we playing Etsy or Regretsy?
I was giggling like mad till “FUROSHIKI!!!!”. Then I cackled so hard I think I laid an egg. OMG, this made my day!
*Gasp* You could glue paper to an EGG, and make the front page of Etsy! Inspired.
Well that Etsy seller really has stones
OMG is that background music Mahler or Stravinsky? Whatever it is, it was so beautifully chosen, I died a little.
This was BEAUTIFUL, and I wept at the powerful rendition of the prose.
Although I’m still wondering if the rock comes with the hearts, and while I bet it doesn’t, I’m kind of sad there wasn’t a line about that. I bet it would have been awesome. “includes wrapped rock. hearts of stone you have to make yourself – just like life!” Dum dum dunnnnnnnnnn!
I wonder if we can get Auntie Vera Charles to do the next episode of Regretsy Theater. I still chuckle whenever I remember that classic rendition of “Porn for the Blind”…
I would love the opportunity of a bit part in a Regretsy Theater episode. Love, Love, Love it!!
I decided it was far more entertaining than listening to my husband watching starship troopers 3. TRUE STORY The TT soundtrack has completed me.
Wait…so…its a rock…with paper glued to it?
Perhaps you’d like to kick it up a notch, to lace wrapped around the rock? Well, here you go: http://www.etsy.com/listing/73514133/crochet-lace-stone-nature-decorated
It’s pretty good crochet. But it’s wrapped round a rock.
I agree on both counts. I crochet and I look at that and think, “It’s wrapped around a rock. Who would ever think to do work and then wrap it around a rock. Even an old, damaged doily can be put to better use…then again, she sells rocks wrapped in crochet, so who am I to question?”
You know what? I could see doing that really small, on a tiny stone (perhaps about the size of an actual thumbnail), and then hanging the stone on a chain and selling it as a necklace. Use a pretty stone, and THAT would be crochet lace art put to good use.
Now I’d buy one of those.
And it hasn’t been collaged
Even with all of the collective asshattery and fuckery of the last week this is the post that has finally prompted me to come out of lurking.
I laughed so hard my husband peed a little. I may have scared him…
Bravo! And finger snaps, or whatever passes for applause to the hipster types these days.
Brava! Tosses flowers at April……
needs more barnwood
only if there’s a rock tied to it.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/558516 voice interpretation of a bad review, great stuff, similar music
I was fine until “…COLLAGE”. Then I lost it. I went down hill from there, much to the utter confusion of my 3 y/o.
Everything confused me. I thought the dried up flowers or old electric plugs were ear buds at first, and with the music reference in the title I thought “is this rock also an mp3 player?” (which would have been interesting at least)
and then, THEN I noticed the embedded audio player and I was transported to an entirely different plane.
I don’t mind the stupid shit people sell on Etsy. What drives me crazy is that people actually buy it.
A bad painting, sure…I can see wanting to purchase a ridiculous train wreck. Even Andrew Hussie has gone that route. But this isn’t something that requires a special talent in “bad”. Anyone who isn’t quadriplegic can grab a rock and glue bits of paper to it.
This isn’t even like John Cage’s, “I’m the first one to think of recording silence and selling it LOL” kind of fuck-you art. It’s more of, “I did something everyone has thought of and tried already, and I’ll ship it to you in the mail even though it would be easier to do it yourself ROFL” kind of fuck-you-and-the-my-little-pony-you-rode-in-on art.
So who actually buys something like this? Is there someone out there who both likes this “art”, and has no idea how to glue shit to a rock?! Help me understand before the Benadryl kicks in.
Quadriplegics of course! How else are they going to get their rocks with paper “collaged” onto them? Clearly she is performing a great service to a severely underrepresented group in our society.
(Btw, that line had me laughing so hard. INSPIRED.)
I work at a county agency that employs people with mental disabilities. They either come in and do piece work or participate in activities (there are art rooms and sewing rooms and etc).
They make more interesting things than this. In fact I’m pretty sure one of the quadriplegics probably COULD glue paper onto a rock, if they put their mind to it.
When I was in high school we had a field trip to an agency like yours, and I was surprised to realise how much of the arts and crafts sold in tourist shops in my city was being made by these fantastic people. Now everytime I visit my parents and walk past a souvenir shop that sells shell people with googly eyes I remember those people I saw making them and how proud they were to be working.
And yes, their stuff was miles better than that rock.
You had me at Furoshiki…
Doesn’t everybody want a rock to wind a piece of string around? Oh, they come pre-assembled… Well, forget it then.
I simply must make this a ringtone for my work phone.
I’m surprised this cupcake was actually grounded enough in reality to put the disclaimer that it is not a toy for small children!
Though, I guess that makes it OK to give to a 10-year-old who is so not gonna throw it through a window or at a bird or something.
you just brightened my day. that was incredible. I’m going to collage a boner drawing on a stone for you as a humble thank you.
Now that’s what I call… ACT-ing!
That maniacal giggling made my day. Nothing can be bad in a world with that laugh.
How delightfully full of win!
That was transplendent. Whoa.
RAD! THAT WAS SO RAD! I’m doing burnouts in my kitchen with glee.
I’m running around doing burnouts in my kitchen because that was so rad!
Oh look, I posted twice somehow. Not my fault!
Can’t stop laughing……………………..
I love this, but my happiness wilted when I saw that there is no Regretsy Theatre category. I just can’t commit to something that has no definite future in my life!
Now in my head all Etsy sellers are manic Disney villains.
I’m glad I was sitting while listening to that. I had numerous flashbacks to cartoons of my childhood and now I need a drink and an advil. That was pretty freaking cool. <3 you HK. <3 you so hard.
I want a recording of O Fortuna playing in the background on my next conference call at work. And when I am paying for my groceries. And just following me everywhere. I think it would be a boon to my fat jealous loserosity.
Hilarious. (I’m surprised you didn’t start this sooner.)
You should have no shortage of material to mine. I’ve found the quality of item offered is often conversely proportional to the amount of fluffy prose lathered up to describe it.
a rock is sold for $10 as a desk accessory, wrapped using ancient hobo techniques, and makes it to the front page.
I wonder if I can request a bash-my-brain-in size. You know, to be ironic and stuff.
I’m Deaf but have enough hearing, with aids and really really really expensive headphones, to hear this. Now I have justified the really really really expensive headphones. What a beautfully bumptious voice.
Also has anyone noticed that the bit of text snipped from the book is untrimmed? Her little Etsy-issue scissors didn’t remove the traces of text from the lines above and below before the Etsy-issue glue got involved. Perhaps she was too busy pursuing peace or something to notice.
Well, then the proportions would have been off. You can’t imagine how much work goes into getting the proportions just right! Your $10 buys not having to look at all the failed attempts with the paper around the text disproportionally small to the staves. These things take effort, I tell you!
I know, right!? That was the first thing I noticed. The artist has two jobs–cut out the paper, and glue it on the rock, but I’m not sure there was any artistic significance to the crookedness of the cutting. Carelessness, maybe, but then I don’t know. All I know is that would bug the hell out of me while I was trying to enjoy my rock!
I know! There’s also an air bubble above the word Seek, which could have some deep and significant meaning, or not.
When you burst it, a bitter rancid smell escapes. It is the Fart of Imperfection. Capture it! Celebrate it! Collage it!
April, please, please make a ring tone!
Screw Regretsy, you should become a voice actor!
You have a good ear for talent; I was under the impression she is one.
Tell us anover stowy, Auntie April?
I listened to this earlier today and loved it. Then tonight I got stood up on a date and listened again. Made my night much better!
He doesn’t deserve your FJL awesomeness, anyway.
I got stood up by a friend today, too! Maybe it’s a day for being stood up?
That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me . He ended up making it up today, but I was still perturbed and told him so haha. Regretsy really is full of assholes like you
I will hear this in my dreams, and probably wake up crying.
That was positively brilliant!
You know, I didn’t put 2 and 2 together before–Helen, how about doing a voice over for both of those Cease and Desist letters?
And I just want to say to everyone: thank you. I am new to regretsy and have gotten the biggest laughs out of the wittily written blog posts by Helen and the comments. Just hysterical! So, thank you.
That tears it. I gotta get the sound working on my computer again.
Ah, gluing paper to rocks: the cheap man’s engraving.
Another great dramatic reading:
I’m impressed with anyone who can utter the phrase – my day brightens – and make it sound positively evil.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s ironic that this is a ROCK that can’t be taken outside or anywhere it might get wet?
I love that it says that it can’t be taken anywhere. Presumably she meant outside, but I like her version better. Do not have this rock anywhere. I will follow her advise on that.
Fuck me running (3 more words for the Steampunk Duct Tape Lady).
I’m so inspired by the creative stuff the FJL’s here sell on Etsy, but we ain’t gonna be featured on the front page ’cause a lot of what the people who congregate here make have colour, originality & humour. Etsy doesn’t appreciate that. Literal only, please. Tongues do not belong in cheeks. As a matter of fact, we’d prefer you don’t talk about tongues (or other body parts) at all. But if you wanna photograph one to sell your vintage clock radio, well that’s super cool with us… I digress.
This fucking rock is yet another example of the vanilla that ‘rocks’ Etsy’s world. Shit with more shit glued to it…only with ‘beautiful prose’ & the magic of FUROSHIKI. And some poor bastard is gonna get this as a Secret Santa gift & have to thank someone for it! Because it was featured on Etsy, which is important to some Oprah book club lemming.
WOW, I AM an FJL! Awesome evening of theatre, though!
Now that’ what I call heartfelt.
Please please please let Regretsy Theatre become a regular feature, that was simply glorious!
I’m getting a jPlayer error. Anyone else is getting that too?
Anyone? I am still getting the error. Here is what it says:
“jPlayer 1.2.0 : id=’haiku-player1′ : Error!
Problem with Flash component.
Check the swfPath points at the Jplayer.swf path.
swfPath = http://static.regretsy.com/wp-content/plugins/haiku-minimalist-audio-player/js/
Error: a._getMovie() is undefined”
Is this gonna be fixed?
Okay, never mind… I guess no one cares.
“Dear Sir or Madame,
As a recent purchaser of your handmade desk accessory, I would appreciate you sending the instruction sheet that was not shipped with the item. Despite the damage of the rock portion in transit through the post office, it all apparently still works, to the best of my knowledge, as shown in your detailed photographs.
My colleagues have otherwise tried using it as a stapler and a coffee warmer, with little success in either case. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.
J. Freud Barnwood
Good news, it’s still available!
That, was mooooooAAAARRRvelous.
I was fine until the rendition of the very last word at which point I lost it and spat my tea over the keyboard.
I’m no scholar but I SWEAR “Seek peace, and pursue it” (complete with comma?) is from the bible. A psalm maybe? “Vintage book” ….. talk about creative descriptions :/
Well then, the words are practically antiques! She could reach a whole new audience to hawk her stones to.
Indeed it is: http://bible.cc/psalms/34-14.htm
I’m not even Christian and I wouldn’t feel comfortable cutting up what I presume was a vintage or antique hymnal (although probably more because I like music and antique things).
And so, I have been moved to de-lurk, and say “yea, awesome”, and possibly throw down a pencil.
My four year old thought this was the funniest thing she’s ever heard. She said “Mom! That’s Hilarious!!”
Honestly. April’s voice acting set against a LOTR score just made my year.
i’m getting an error and it won’t play. *sob*
…but… WHERE are the SCISSORS???
Oh my god, “not for use anywhere.” Epic.
what are the little heart things doing there? why? are they included? if not, why not? would it really be that much more difficult/expensive to include them? if theyre not included, why are they there?
does the seller realize that she is charging ten bucks for a rock that is less than two inches long? does she know that by cutting up a book & then pasting whatever she found therein onto a rock that she is defiling both objects? no? why no?
i like this so much i might have to go to the matinee as well
That was the most amazing thing out of my whole day.
I demand more!
I lost it at FUROSHIKI!
I have a dog hairball, all organic and beautiful black . anyone want to buy it?
“I can’t believe I’m analyzing paper glued to a rock.” Line worth repeating.
Rock, paper, glue. Gee I wish I was talented enough to do that!
I know it’s the Lord of the Rings soundtrack (only from having read all the comments ) but I am irresistibly reminded of Cruella De Ville. As in, I felt as though there were unseen little dalmatians surrounding me, all cute and cuddly; but their big dark eyes were growing wider, and they were shrinking in on themselves as the voice went on, alternately beckoning and threatening…
That movie scared the shit out of me as a kid. Am I going to have nightmares tonight?
Hehe, I’m in community theater, just started this year…. April, I think I may need you as my acting coach.
Oh my god, I haven’t laughed so hard in a looong time.
When will you be casting for the Regresty Monologues?
April has made it onto my list of people I want to read phone books. It’s getting to be a really long list.
I’m deaf. Can someone transcribe the audio for me, since April never does it?
That is, never posts it for the gimps out there. Or heck, for those who can’t listen to things at work.
Well, this time around it’s already transcribed lol. The audio clip is of April giving a dramatic reading of that horrendous item’s equally horrendous description. (Which, by the way, totally cracked me up. Thanks, madam!)
311 admirers for that freakin rock.
For some reason, I’m imagining a small island in the middle of the South Pacific in the 1940s. Overhead, a US Air Force bomber drops its nuclear payload. A mushroom cloud envelops the island and sky.
Now, on the island, among the scattered ash and sand, a massive grey shadow moves into sight. The ocean begins to foam and waves rise and crash violently on the beach.
Elsewhere, a small Japanese fishing boat is caught in the storm. As the horrified captain orders his sailors to the lifeboats, the shadow appears over the boat, breaking it in half.
Days later, the sky is clear and the captain is adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean when a Norwegian merchant ship rescues him. He rants madly in terror. When the sailors aboard the rescuing ship ask him what he saw that has him so upset, he answers, whispering, “…Furoshiki. Furoshiki.”
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