NO, YOU CEASE AND DESIST
You may recall I posted the world’s most unintelligible Cease and Desist letter yesterday, as drafted by Howard Schechter of Ecologica Malibu/Bali Ha’i Imports.
The letter was not directed to me, but to a woman who started a thread in the Etsy Forums the other day. She posted a polite and reasonable request, asking Etsy to make a formal statement on the issue as soon as possible.
It is important to note that she did not level accusations at the Schechters, nor did she hurl invective at them. She did not call them, say, “liars” or “cheaters,” or “thieving lying cheating resellers,” for example. She did not use words like “sham” or “con” or even “douchenozzle.”
Even so, Mr. Schechter, or possibly Mrs. Schechter, or possibly one of their four carpenters, felt this constituted “liable” against the company, which has now been proven to be a reseller, or as Etsy calls them, “a collective.”
Enter Ken at Popehat.com. Ken, an attorney who occasionally offers pro-bono help to bloggers, thought this particular Cease and Desist merited a reply.
April 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Brilliant.
I can’t wait to see the response.
I hope they conduct themselves accordingly.
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Just to add..
I never thought I could feel such deep and profound love for a lawyer.
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
I actually touched myself halfway through the letter. I want to retain that lawyer!
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Retain? I’ll fucking retain every drop of him when I am through with him!!
April 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Oh my!
April 25, 2012 at 8:21 pm
“The first thing we do, let’s fuck all the lawyers.” ~Shakespeare
April 25, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Except it was Shakespeare’s Younger and Smarter Sister who said that!
April 25, 2012 at 11:41 pm
WOW…I am so shocked I didn’t even blush.
April 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm
I don’t even like guys (being a big black man trapped in a white woman’s body), but I’d give this guy the BJ of his life after this letter.
I don’t give a good goddamn if he looks like Quasimodo.
I’m gonna go re-read this and fap some more.
April 25, 2012 at 6:56 pm
I found his signature, with it’s long, confident stroke at the end to be quite satisfying.
April 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I know, I know. It was like that last, perfect swirl that puts you over the top.
I want to do all sorts of wonderful things to that man.
April 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm
I see what you did there, and I think I’ll be in my bunk.
April 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm
I think that when — WHEN — Ken is featured in the Men of Regretsy calendar, we could just use an image of his signature for his photo, maybe with a few of his hotter snarktastic remarks artfully strewn about.
April 25, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Mmmmm … IS there space at the end of the line for me – if there’s anything left of him except briefs when y’all are through appreciating?
April 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm
I read popehat every day, and I am just saddened that he didn’t sign this letter the way he often signs off on his website:
“In conclusion, snort my taint.”
April 25, 2012 at 9:43 pm
Researchgrrrl – maybe we could have a Men of Regretsy calendar, and make all 12 months all hawt lawyer Ken action? One like a lumberjack, one like a fireman? One like a lawyer?
April 25, 2012 at 10:01 pm
That. If it were possible to fall in love with a letter, I did it and it was love at first read.
April 25, 2012 at 11:43 pm
It made me release all my…”AHHHHHHHHHHH”s
What a confident, releaseful signature. I think I am in love.
April 26, 2012 at 12:02 am
Seriously. It moves me to do something utterly shocking and depraved:
Ken, I can’t begin to offer you anything that my fellow FJLs of Regretsy haven’t already offered you in lush and profusely-described detail. So in the alternate, I’ll just mention that I get my California bar exam results on May 18. I have legal work experience and excellent references. My salary requirements are modest. (Seriously, if I make enough to pay my rent and student loans, with enough left over to replace my clothes as they fall apart, and maybe occasionally buy books and music and yarn, I’m good.)
Furthermore, I REEEEEEALLY like the First Amendment, if you know what I mean. Ahem.
April 26, 2012 at 12:05 am
p.s. Okay, I live in San Jose, which, admittedly, is a long commute to your office. But hey! I can adapt! I can sleep in a Smartcar four nights a week! I can commute via Southwest! I will drive through Tulare County at 3 in the morning if that’s what it takes!
April 26, 2012 at 10:34 am
OBJECTION! The opposition’s pants are extremely prejudicial. Please strike them at once.
April 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm
I concur. Who knew a 3 page legal response could be so sexy??
/fans self
April 26, 2012 at 5:55 am
This letter gave me a case of the vapours!
April 26, 2012 at 9:53 pm
mmmm, I know… it’s like the dirty talk in my James Spader fantasy… I soooo want to bake him some slutty cupcakes…
April 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm
feast your eyes on him, lades and gents
http://www.brownwhitelaw.com/attorneys/kwhite.html
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Agreed. I was thinking the same thing while reading this letter. All lawyers should strive to be as fabulous as this one!
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
When they are on your side it’s a powerful boner.
If they are against you however…
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
As one of my professors likes to say, “When the law is on your side, pound the law. When the facts are on your side, pound the facts. And as a last resort, pound the table.”
April 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm
In this case, Ken has the law and the facts on his side. So, he pounded Schechter!
April 25, 2012 at 7:32 pm
And Schechter can pound sand. That came from boat wood.
April 25, 2012 at 7:35 pm
But Schechter has the hand-imported made in Indonesia table coated with it’s (probably)lead embued paint..
April 25, 2012 at 7:37 pm
What if I want to pound Ken on the table?
April 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm
@ailishsmom Ken’s letter gave me boat wood, if you know what I mean.
April 26, 2012 at 3:10 am
the Rupert Murdoch technique
April 26, 2012 at 3:16 am
From the sounds of it, Ken’s the one in for the pounding! Seriously, what a hero. /swoon
April 26, 2012 at 7:33 am
Be careful pounding their table though… paint chips loaded with biocide! And if they get on your hand, they might get on your junk. Just sayin.
April 25, 2012 at 11:44 pm
hehe Powerful boners are the bestest in the westest.
April 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
As a lawyer this guy makes me proud.
April 26, 2012 at 6:45 am
I know, doesn’t he? It is a pleasure to see people in our profession actually doing the right thing.
April 26, 2012 at 7:38 am
Me too. It is something I would have loved to do myself if I practised in California and knew the laws there. I hate when lawyers try to pull the “I’m a lawyer so be scared” tactic.
April 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm
i knowww ^_^ he makes me go “squeeeee”.. so few things make me make that sound.
this line especially “we will respond to any law suit with an anti SLAPP motion”
i wonder what his wife will think if she ever reads all these comments? hehe
April 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Anyone feel like taking a screen shot and convo-ing her on Etsy? I’d make an infamous sock puppet account just to do that!
April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm
BadMiya, if you dont think you can live a lawyer, you just havent spent enough time with HisOtherEar yet.
April 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm
I loved HOE before I knew he was a lawyer. Does that count?
April 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm
All HOE love is good love.
April 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I did not even know HOE was a man.
This day was full of surprises. I just got turned on by a legal letter and HOE is a dude.
April 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
I’ve been surprised by each of our resident guys’ dudeness *except* HOE’s. All the rest I had to be told were boys or pick it up from context clues.
April 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm
I want this guy to send April a picture of himself in a towel for our delictation n’ stuff.
April 25, 2012 at 7:35 pm
100% agreed. Don’t care what he actually looks like, he’s amazeballs.
April 26, 2012 at 8:35 pm
I thought we agreed that amazeboats is the new hotness.
April 25, 2012 at 7:58 pm
He could be a brain in a jar of liquid and I’d still do him.
April 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm
You can hump a brain stem, right?
April 25, 2012 at 9:08 pm
I think it’d be like trying to hump a worm, but you could certainly try!
April 26, 2012 at 5:14 pm
Jerry, best comment! Gawd, I laughed….
April 26, 2012 at 9:00 am
The man himself – http://www.brownwhitelaw.com/attorneys/kwhite.html
April 26, 2012 at 10:25 am
He’s adorkable!
April 26, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Oh, look at that face!!!!! The cuteness!!!!
Back off, all y’all – I must make him mine, all mine!
April 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm
He’s squeefully cute in a sexy teddybear with a brain sort of way.
April 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Yeah, I’d hit that.
April 26, 2012 at 10:50 pm
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April 26, 2012 at 10:29 am
I don’t know if this has been posted yet, but I found a picture of our Kenneth! http://www.brownwhitelaw.com/attorneys/kwhite.html
April 26, 2012 at 10:30 am
Should have refreshed the page before posting. Swazzle beat me to it…
April 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm
This letter in a towel? Or his dreamy mocking signature?
April 26, 2012 at 5:40 am
Me too! I actually set down my morning martini to read this intently. I think I even drooled a little in longing to meet this guy!
April 26, 2012 at 7:09 am
NOTHING is better than lawyers insulting each other.
April 26, 2012 at 9:13 am
I never knew a lawyer could be the good kind of fat, jealous loser before…
April 26, 2012 at 2:33 pm
That’s “layer” to the “mormons” of Etsyland.
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I want to see an encore of Lawyer Schechter’s fine grammar and spelling.
April 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
Ugh. It was eye rape to read. I don’t want to go through that again. I think a picture of a dog with its tail between its legs will suffice.
April 25, 2012 at 11:07 pm
I had an easier time deciphering tweets and texts from 15 year old girls.
April 26, 2012 at 1:21 am
Hah! They at least have a consistent code! acronym acronym 20,000 exclaimation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! smiley face.
April 26, 2012 at 1:43 am
OMG!! <3Edward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<3 Tot JELLY of Bella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
That’s govern themselves accordingly TYVM
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
There will be no response.
April 25, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Probably not, if Mr. S is smart enough to realize he did something quite dumb by sending that first letter! Sad though…I would love to read his response to a well put together legal document!
April 25, 2012 at 10:36 pm
I’m sure that once he receives this letter, his only response will be to wet his pants.
April 25, 2012 at 11:28 pm
Actually I think one of the carpenters will wet his pants for him.
April 26, 2012 at 1:44 am
Probably Juan T. He’s into that sort of thing.
April 26, 2012 at 4:01 am
@BD Unless he was on fire I’m sure there would be quite a crowd of people willing to piss on him.
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I hope they respond with a letter similar to their first. It was impressively stupid and sadly funny. I’d love to see their stupid reseller asses sued.
April 25, 2012 at 6:56 pm
In all honesty, I think Mirena, or whatever her name is got happy with the husband/father’s bar number and starting throwing threats around.
I doubt she ever expected a response from a real lawyer. So…SURPRISE!
Shit is about to get real at her house. And I hope they are sweating their asses off on balinese boat wood.
April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm
LOL at your theory!
It’s also possible the letter was typed out originally for someone who was making actual accusations, but then got copy-pasted to the recipient retaining Ken.
April 25, 2012 at 8:17 pm
Mariana, You got some ‘spaining to do!
April 25, 2012 at 9:01 pm
Waaaaa!
But Howie, I just wanted to be a reseller on Etsy!
April 26, 2012 at 6:03 am
No, no, do we have to use her real name? I liked Mirena better! Makes me thik of irritating women on TV having bits of plastic placed in their upper banjingo regions to stop them making more annoyingly blond children.
(signed, a fan of contraception, and a formerly blond child)
April 26, 2012 at 10:22 am
And the surprise is just in time for her birthday, today, 4/26.
April 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm
There will be no response.
April 26, 2012 at 7:38 am
Wouldn’t it be awesome if he replied saying he had never sent the letter? Then you know that Mariana would have some ‘splainin to do!
April 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm
I was really, really hoping this letter would have ended with “Govern yourself accordingly” as opposed to the “I urge you to…” bit. It would have been glorious. But hey, it already has such wondrous snippets as only having seen such things from “the intractably mentally ill,” “freakishly unprofessional email” and other gems.
I have no other words to say except, owned.
April 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Yes, those were two of my favorite snippets too. Also agreed that I would have LOVED to have seen the letter ended with “Govern yourself accordingly”, but after I read all of that all I could really say is, “HAAAAAHHHHH! OWNED!!!!!!!”
Plus the fact that this guy went out of his way, pro-bono, and wrote a scalding three page retort just made my freakin day. Some lawyers kick ass, and this man certainly does!
April 26, 2012 at 8:08 am
That might have been construed as a threat itself, which is why he left it out. Still, Awesome! I’m supposed to be preparing for a final presentation, but I had to stop and check the comments for this post! %D
April 25, 2012 at 8:20 pm
I laughed so hard at “the intractably mentally ill” that I peed a little.
April 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm
I’m picturing the happy couple sitting in front of a large dictionary trying to figure out what in the hell the letter is trying to tell them before sobbing and shitting a brick because “OMFG she got a real lawyer!”:-D
April 26, 2012 at 3:25 am
I’m picturing the unhappy couple fighting as she tries to explain to him WTF she was thinking by stealing his letterhead and identity to compose a ‘legal threat’, especially one that reads as though she put a legal dictionary through a blender and pasted the results into Microsoft Word..! I’ve no doubt at all exactly which Shitchter the author actually is….
April 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm
i think thats just what is going to happen… . someones going to be shitting a brick at the end of the day anyways
April 26, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Intractably mentally ill made me laugh til I cried and then give the man a golf clap. The whole letter is a thing of beauty, but that part should be sand blasted onto a wall somewhere!
April 29, 2012 at 4:54 pm
“Freakishly unprofessional” was where I recoiled with a dayum!, and hoped to whatever forces govern my fate that I never, ever, ever do something so stupid as to warrant a lawyer calling me that.
May not be helping that I’m picturing some giant seven-legged spider whose legs aren’t even connected in the right places, stumbling through a courtroom, knocking over chairs, and spilling its briefcase all over the table and floor.
April 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm
Everyone seems to be very Pro Boner.
April 25, 2012 at 7:44 pm
groan
April 25, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Sorry, should have written that I judged your pun and the verdict isn’t good.
April 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm
That made me snort hot tea! I love a good pun.
April 25, 2012 at 11:49 pm
I am extraordinarily Pro Boner. It’s important to be that way sometimes.
April 25, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Let’s retain him as a group. I have a camera.
April 26, 2012 at 5:50 am
Only if we can sell the tapes and donate the profit to the charity!
April 26, 2012 at 7:31 pm
Hahahahahaha!!!! Ahahahahahahaha…
April 26, 2012 at 11:51 am
When this letter arrives, Mr. Schechter will find out that Mrs Schechter has been using his name and professional reputation.
April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm
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April 26, 2012 at 9:58 pm
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April 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm
That letter gave me a dainty lady boner it was so full of win.
April 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I’m totally agreeing with you on this!
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Can we please have a picture of Kenneth without his shirt on so we can all fap to it?
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
TOWEL KEN!
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Dancing Ken?
April 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm
April 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Your avatar is perfect. No words are needed.
April 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
I love you for this
April 25, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Silly, mfj! We can’t fap to that!
April 26, 2012 at 12:17 am
Maybe you can’t.
April 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm
I want a pin-up calendar of sexy do-gooding lawyers like Ken, Joshua Safran, and Nadia Costa. Faptastic.
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
It has given me a massive, throbbing lady boner. That acid tongue…
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
The signature is to swoon for.
April 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
And he said “bumptious!”
*faints*
April 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
Yup, I wanted to make some sweet litigious lawyerly love after reading that. That man is seriously going to get action from someone, and now I insert the obligatory pro bono joke.
April 26, 2012 at 4:04 am
I bet his pillow talk is swoon-worthy
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
This letter gave me a honkin’ huge female boner that I am pretty sure shows through my PJs.
This is the best think I have ever seen on the internet.
April 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
“Thing,” though “think” works even better. Ha!
April 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
“Think” is perfect here. The man has an excellent mind that he uses well plus a vocabulary that makes any grammar nerd all squishy inside and that adds up to something. I wish I knew what word, but the blood’s rushed out of my head and I’m feeling very woozy. Yeah, that’s it. Woozy.
April 25, 2012 at 11:51 pm
I didn’t even know it was possible to see that through PJs. My eyes are probably really wide right now and downright full of wonder.
April 25, 2012 at 7:25 pm
The lady-boner I got wasn’t exactly dainty.
April 26, 2012 at 4:28 am
Mine is huge. Throbbingly huge. And my nipples refuse to go down. That letter is a thing of beauty.
April 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm
Henh, legal precedent. Correctly spelled words. Actual knowledge and firm slap upside the head. So satisfying, so, so satisfying. I’m sitting here with the smartass’ equivalent of a bellyful o’ pecan pie over here.
April 25, 2012 at 8:17 pm
I concur with the lady boner. Hell, if I keep reading this marvelous piece of smack down over and over again, I am going to run out of dry underwear.
April 26, 2012 at 12:01 am
I’ll be in my bunk, governing myself accordingly. This was truly the best follow-up to date.
April 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm
marry me kenneth
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I’ll fight you for him. This guy is awesome!
April 25, 2012 at 7:00 pm
I don’t wanna marry him.
I just wanna practice making babies with him.
April 25, 2012 at 11:52 pm
Oh My…
April 25, 2012 at 8:49 pm
When the revolution comes, we will spare Kenneth P. White the fate of all lawyers to be put up against the wall and shot.
April 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm
Sorry monsters, he’s married.
April 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm
annnddd would you be Mrs. White?
April 25, 2012 at 10:14 pm
because if you are, your good taste means we want you, too.
April 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm
Thanks, but I know he’s married because he told me in a reply to a congratulatory email I sent him. His reply was similar to one he sent to another FJL… it’s on this thread somewhere…
April 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm
SWOON ALL OF THEM IN ONE MASSIVE THROBBING PILE OF VERBIAGE PORN!
I so hate all caps and yet, could not withhold it.
April 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm
Nope. I’m not the marrying kind.
May 2, 2012 at 10:52 pm
…and Mrs White – did you do it in the Study with a raging Lady Boner?!
April 26, 2012 at 7:35 am
yeah so am I ..but a lawyer could take care of that…no?
April 26, 2012 at 5:23 pm
If his wife’s as awesome as he is, I’m sure no one would mind sharing.
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Oh, how I love Kenneth White!
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
“…the intractably mentally ill.”
I LOVE YOU
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
He has a way with words, this is the most tantalising legal document I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.
April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
I fell in love with him with that phrase. I imagine James Spader playing him in a series.
April 25, 2012 at 6:56 pm
I will tonight. *wiggles eyebrows*
April 25, 2012 at 11:04 pm
Given your avatar, shouldn’t that be “wiggles eybrow”?
April 26, 2012 at 1:37 am
Poor Burt…
April 25, 2012 at 7:12 pm
I imagined that, and then promptly choked with laughter snorts on my coffee.
April 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Not just mentally ill, intractably mentally ill.
April 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I think “freakishly unprofessional” is my favorite part. I can think of so many times I would’ve loved to deploy that phrase at someone.
April 25, 2012 at 11:55 pm
Yeah, I know…he gave words to what I think all the fucking time. It’s impossible to not have these mixed up feelings inside.
April 26, 2012 at 8:07 am
Someone needs to send this to Above the Law!
April 26, 2012 at 8:52 am
Can’t you do it under another name? I think you said you were a partner in a law firm, so you’re smart enough not to use your own letterhead!
April 27, 2012 at 9:38 am
The original already made it there (love the title):
Cease and Desist Letter Made For Etsy Is Riddled With Handmade Errors
April 27, 2012 at 9:40 am
Ooh! From the above link:
“We reached out to Mr. Schechter for clarification about who wrote this typo-riddled letter, but luckily his wife called us back. She said she was the one who wrote the letter “late on a Saturday night,” while her husband dictated it to her over the phone. She said she typed out the cease and desist on an iPhone. “If I made mistakes, I made mistakes. I’m Brazilian, not a paralegal,” she said.”
April 28, 2012 at 3:41 pm
Brazilians are incapable of being paralegals? What an odd thing to say.
This does explain the situation – but if he dictated it to her, he knew damned well he was illegally abusing his position as a lawyer. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy knowing he is completely deserving of this three-page smackdown.
April 30, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Maybe she meant “have” instead of “am” in the last sentence?
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Real words! Clear arguments! /drool
April 28, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Tis a sad day when basic communication skills are so rare as to be drool-worthy.
But this was especially so.
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Awesome.
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
I think I just came.
April 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm
I know I did…
May 2, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Kenneth is cum laude so you can cum together
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
“Intractably mentally ill” and “thuggery” pretty much sum it up for me. Ken is my hero.
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
“Bumptious”
That is all
April 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm
“freakishly unprofessional”!
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Sweet. Just damned sweet.
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
More sock puppet fan mail just in on etsy forum:
“big thank you to the person who posted the link to the full interview before it was ‘amended’ the thread was shut down before i could thank you, so thanks!”
April 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
OH SNAP
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
and anti-SLAPP
April 25, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Nana, you beat me to it! I had to go over to the forums to tell all the FJLs to get over here–that the C&D has been answered and it’s sweet.
April 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm
I’m so glad you did Mugsy! *spanks Mugsy*
I have to go GOVERN MYSELF ACCORDINGLY!
April 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
Holy shit, this whole thing leaves me with the desire to learn legalese for OOOH BURN. “Vague and bumptious legal threats” is probably my favorite part.
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Bumptious bumptious bumptious.
I could say it all day. Except my cats keep giving me funny looks.
We <3 you, Kenneth.
April 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
Cats are bumptious. They probably think you’re talking about them.
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
OK, who’s going to change their screen name to BUMPTIOUS? Perhaps Bumptious Babe? or Bumpity Bumptious? I even like WRITING that word!
May 2, 2012 at 10:58 pm
Bumptious wearing a Bump-it
April 25, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Today I Learned: a new awesome word!
April 26, 2012 at 1:30 am
Bumptious Thuggery. My new band.
April 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm
April 25, 2012 at 7:32 pm
(I governed myself accordingly and fixed the tags):
April 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm
If this doesn’t work, I crease and desist.
April 25, 2012 at 7:52 pm
I lied. So, sue me.
April 25, 2012 at 8:09 pm
OMG – I so commented w/ this below. <3 the graphic!
SUNSABITCHES!
April 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
This is better than television. LOVE IT!
April 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
Mr. White, I applaud you and the quality of your work!
April 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
That is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read in my life.
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
This is a thing of beauty, and I feel privileged for being allowed to read it.
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Bumptious – I must use this word every day of my life from now on.
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
He actually said “bumptious”!
… can I have him?
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
I think at this point the line for Kenneth might be longer than the line for the free jello shots.
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
My heart just did a little dance of joy. When, where, and how can we send this man a case of champagne and an one-eared elephant flash-drive cover to show our deepest adoration? I fully admit to having a seriously tickled case of Schadenfreude at this moment.
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Well, we do have his address…
April 25, 2012 at 8:31 pm
Good call! I’m going to mail him something that says “bumptious” on it
April 25, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Maybe someone a heck of a lot more crafty than me could do a cross stitch of it. Or make a sampler of some of the best phrases from his letter.
April 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm
i suddenly want to make him a fancy plaque now with that word… something shiny to nail to the wall.. no not that kind of nail you warped minds. just something awesome for his office
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I’m not so sure he’d get the right impression if 20 different bedazzled bajingos and one ear elephants showed up.
April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
I’ll take my chances!! And if he’s gay I’ll offer my brother, just so I can keep him in the family!!
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
If he’s bi, I’m there!
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
er… I’m a girl, so uh, two guys and me, yeah, that would be a sandwich. If you want to throw another girl in there, then yeah, that would work for my bi ways.
April 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Sexy legal orgy? Can I come?
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
LOL where the hell is this conversation going?
April 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Don’t know. Don’t care. Just wanna see how we get there! >.<
April 25, 2012 at 8:05 pm
Tell him you know how to “take the Bar exam”.
May 2, 2012 at 11:02 pm
“…so show me your briefs”
April 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Oh wouldn’t he?
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I’m scrolling and that was the one that put me over the edge of the laughing and the headaching…so worth it. Many thumbs.
April 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
He defends bloggers. And he read that awful C&D. I’m sure nothing will offend him any more.
April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm
This made me laugh hysterically! bedazzled bajingos…
April 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm
shiiiiit. Bedazzled, pierced, whatever… I’d shave Justice Renquist’s face into my pubes if I thought it’d give me a chance with the loquacious and intractably sexy Kenneth!
April 25, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Oh man, so all the hot glue burns on my vag are for nothing? And to think, I’d already gotten the camera set up.
April 25, 2012 at 8:30 pm
I just had the picture of a flood of random stuff, most of it rude, showing up at his office!
Oh my.
April 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm
You mean “Oh myyyyyyyyyyy”, right?
Thanks to George Takei, I can never read those words without hear him say it that way.
April 25, 2012 at 9:12 pm
LOL! Yep, that’s how I meant it.
April 25, 2012 at 8:13 pm
I’m gonna make a mask of his face, put in on my BF (also an attorney) and have him read it to me… with the candles aglow, k.d.Lang singing “love for sale” in the background, a summer breeze coming in through the curtains of the living room on a sultry summer night. Thanks to Inklets for the inspiration!
April 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Whatever floats your boatwood furniture!
April 26, 2012 at 4:16 am
Anytime you need inspiration, you let me know, I’m there!
April 25, 2012 at 8:17 pm
OMFG!!! I EMAILED HIM AND HE REPLIED!! I’M WET!!
check this:
I wrote:
Dear Mr. White,
Your absolutely beautifully worded letter was posted by Regresty at 6:30pm. The comments of adoration are in the hundreds within only the hour.
Should you ever have the need to call on one, your fanbase firmly established. Perhaps we could be used as a tax write-off.
As one of the multitude whose knees went weak while reading your prose, from the bottom of our collective hearts… thank you. You have restored our faith in: common decency; the English language; attorneys with heart; and not the least to be mentioned – the proverbial bitch slap. Perhaps, SLAPP in this case.
To you, I raise a glass and toast with great malicious delight, “Tonight’s word is Schadenfreude!” Should you ever venture to Las Vegas, your first drink is on me!
HE REPLIED (SQUEEEEEEE):
You are too kind. However, based on the comments to that thread, I suspect I will be sleeping on the couch.
April 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Oh you beat me to it. Probably because I emailed him back to ask permission to post his reply.
I knew I should have been more of a bastard!!
Oh well.
April 25, 2012 at 9:04 pm
More than one thumb up* for mamajellybean! That’s pretty much the letter I would have written, if I could do words good.
I almost felt bad about stressing out their marriage until I realized it was just a gentle hint about his relationship status. That couch will be empty tonight. C’mon, smart is sexy and witty sarcastic is irresistible. I picture him sitting in front of his laptop with Mrs. White on his knee giggling at the snark he’s laying down on us. (That would be affectionate snark, of course.)
* that sounds dirtier than intended which so gloriously magically happens around here. *glittertear*
April 26, 2012 at 4:19 am
His partner probably said, “They’re just now finding out what I knew about you all along, honey? Pshaw.”
April 26, 2012 at 4:10 am
I laughed so loud the cats ran out of the room.
- when are keyboards going to get a thumbs up key?
April 26, 2012 at 5:10 pm
Anyone else seen the Aussie video of P!nk’s last tour? (Stay with me here, I swear I am on task….) She had a couch. A couch with a dozen or so holes in it. She lay upon that couch and sang The Divinyls “I Touch Myself” while a dozen hands extended from those holes and felt her up and all over.
This is the couch I presume the Honorable White refers to.
April 25, 2012 at 8:21 pm
OMG, now I’m looking around my living room at the bits of fuckery that I haven’t already boxed up to send off to my fellow FJLs…. He needs a very special thank you gift, but I don’t know whether Regretsy memes would mean anything to him.
April 25, 2012 at 8:35 pm
Maybe some meme from this thread because we can safely assume he (and his wife) are reading it…
A thousand bedazzled bajingos, maybe?
Or, because we know he read Schechter’s letter, something from that.
“Keep Calm and Govern Yourself Accordingly”, maybe?
April 25, 2012 at 8:47 pm
OH YES.
I am envisioning the sampler now.
April 25, 2012 at 9:06 pm
“Keep Calm and Govern Yourself Accordingly” as a sampler? I love that times one million.
Somebody do this, please. Pleeeease doooo eeeet!
April 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm
someone did this, not a sampler, but delightful
http://www.etsy.com/listing/98354962/keep-calm-and-govern-yourself
April 26, 2012 at 9:56 pm
Em… I’ve sold cross stitched versions of the Keep Calm posters in the past. Would anyone buy one if I did a Govern Yourself According one? I have the pattern ready to go…
April 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm
Someone find out the gentleman’s favorite charity and I shall donate a paltry sum. Significant to my budget, yet paltry to what it represents in appreciation.
April 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm
I think I had a Schadenfreudegasm when I read this.
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
“Empty Thuggery” Yeah, no shit!
April 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Dibs on the band name.
April 26, 2012 at 3:34 am
Only if it’s a Limp Bizkit cover band.
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Oh my lordy. Pass me cupcakes AND popcorn!
April 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
I think Ken deserves an award. What can we do for him?
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
OMG YES!!!
We, the Fat Jealous Losers, need to do something to show our appreciation!!
Superheroes should be duly compensated.
April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
I think Ken deserves Regretsy comment of the day!
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
i think we need to chip in and buy him that treasury “specialme” did.
April 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
We should come up with a Regretsy Certificate of Fine Fuckery, with fancy curlicues and a nice font (NOT Comic Sans), on parchment paper. Anyone worth his salt will be so proud to be awarded such a document.
The wording would have to be up to his level of excellence.
And it has to have a Hellephant on it, because nobody leaves Hellephant in the corner!
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
An excellent suggestion, but honestly, I don’t think a font exists which can live up to this man. We’d have to hire someone to do hand calligraphy. With gilt. And possibly some heraldry. Ooo! Hellephant heraldry!
April 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm
You’re correct, no mere font is worthy, but Hellephant Heraldry? THAT is needed.
This man’s name is on the letterhead…I’m so jealous of the receptionist who gets to say, “Brown, WHITE, and Newhouse” every time he or she answers the phone.
April 26, 2012 at 4:11 am
Hell Yes needs to be alerted
April 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
*starts the porno music playing as dozens of crafters mob poor Ken in soft boobies and hard fiery kisses*
April 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm
Ask not what we can do for him. Ask instead what can we do him for.
April 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I <3 that guy!
April 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
this made me squee
April 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
It’s the “Streisand Effect” reference that really elevates it to art.
April 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm
That was the cherry on top of the parfait. Made me do a double take and then literally laugh out loud.
April 25, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Is that the effect of everyone sticking their big noses in your business because of all the noise you be making??
April 25, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Pretty much. It’s a situation where the attempt to hush something up ends up bringing more attention to it than it would have gotten otherwise.
April 25, 2012 at 7:50 pm
Dragonmum: You’d think so, but no. I remembered some details but wanted specifics, so I Googled “Streisand” and before I could type “Effect,” that came up as the first option! (Maybe lots of FJLs are Googling it).
Her Malibu McMansion was photographed as part of a California project to document beach erosion. She found out and sued the photographer and the CA commission. (Further details from Wikipedia) The suit was for $50 million. Before her suit, the photo had been downloaded 6 times from the photographer’s site, 2 of those by her lawyers. After the suit came out, the site was visited about 420,000 times in one month.
She probably had a shit fit and fired her lawyers…and they were grateful not to have to deal with such an intractably mentally ill freakishly unprofessional person.
April 25, 2012 at 8:36 pm
Exactly true except all Babs’ homes are mansions, not Mcmansions!
April 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm
Have you SEEN the photo?
April 25, 2012 at 9:17 pm
A Streisand Mansion (well, the Streisand Mansion)
A McMansion
April 25, 2012 at 9:19 pm
OK, you’ve got me. Her mansion is Supersized, actually making a McMansion look puny in comparison.
April 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm
You SO missed the “big nose” and “noise” thing I was going for…
April 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Is it wrong that I was totally turned on by that?
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
If it’s wrong, several of us obviously don’t want to be right.
April 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Thousands of us…. I had to changed panties!
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Fuck. Yes. I’m so happy. This is beautiful. What would make this even more awesome is if her husband doesn’t know what the hell is going on. He’s going to open his mail and see this letter and flip his shit.
April 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
I was thinking the same thing!
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Freakishly unprofessional. I love that so much.
April 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm
That was my favorite part.
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I governed myself after reading that letter. Now I’m smoking an electronic cigarette.
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
So, I guess that means you governed yourself accordingly, then.
April 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Same here. Got some AVE Gorilla Juice in the carto.
April 26, 2012 at 2:48 am
Oooh, thanks for the mention/passive recommendation! I’ve been craving a new tobacco flavor for a while, and that sounds… new. *orders samples*
April 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
*waves at you through hot buttered rum vapor*
April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm
We all is detract our sex accordingly.
April 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm
In true Etsy fashion, I’m smoking a clove.
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Gotta love when REAL Attorneys tell the wannabes to Fuck Off in legal terms
April 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Yes, the law firm of Koppian and Pastin isn’t even remotely a match for a real lawyer when you get them Irish’ed up.
April 25, 2012 at 10:43 pm
A really good lawyer, too. This guy has some really impressive credentials – Harvard Law School, top-notch law firms on his resume, and now a name partner at a firm – of course he’s brilliant. This response is kinda like casting pearls before swine – but I’m sure he had fun writing it. It looks like he did.
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Looking forward to reading the response as well.
Douche nozzle is such a funny thing to call people!
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
In the dictionary, under the word “Smack down”, this is what you find.
April 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm
The legal term is “docslapped”.
April 25, 2012 at 7:50 pm
Ooh, now I want to docslap someone!
April 25, 2012 at 9:30 pm
There so needs to be a lawyer porn titled “Docslapped.”
April 25, 2012 at 10:25 pm
On it!
AAaaaand by “on it”, I’m sure you know what I mean.
April 26, 2012 at 2:50 am
Governing your creative juices accordingly?
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I don’t care what it means: I’m using “bumptious” in as many sentences as possible from now.
April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Indeed. For example, I would like to bumptious uglies with Mr. Kenneth White.
April 26, 2012 at 4:44 am
You could become Brad the Bumptious! 8^D
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I think it was referenced in Christmas Story, wasn’t it? “Sonsofabitches! Bumptious!!!!” – No?
April 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Oooh – Kenneth went full on lawyer-ese on Mr. Bali’Hai.
Well played, Sir. Well played indeed.
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
So sorry to even notice let alone to even mention it aloud. There seems to be a minor pagination error. There seem to be two page twos. Otherwise the totale picture of perfection.
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
apparently I included my own typo for your enjoyment
April 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Isn’t that always the way?
April 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
Ol’ Muphry (of “Muphry’s Law“) is at it again.
(I noticed the second page 2 too.)
April 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Well, Mr. White has made an error, and he must be corrected immediately. I’ll take care of it. He should be spanked, except that we ALL found the error, so he must spank us. That’s not freakishly unprofessional behavior, is it?
April 25, 2012 at 7:25 pm
It was my fault. I fixed it.
April 25, 2012 at 7:44 pm
Awesome. So now it turns out that this letter is 100% perfect!
April 25, 2012 at 7:52 pm
So…nobody’s getting spanked??
April 25, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Sorry Mugsy, looks like we miss out…more’s the pity…
April 25, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Helen, how is the pagination error your fault? You didn’t write the letter in a fiendish plot to make us all fall in love with some lawyer, did you?
Please answer soonest – my crush on Ken-ken is at stake!!
I had to reduce the size of the pages to fit the width of the site. I layered them over each other as I edited to make sure they were the same size, and I inadvertently erased the top of page 3, revealing page 2 underneath. And I didn’t catch it, because I am drunk. – HK
April 25, 2012 at 10:29 pm
Isn’t that always the way?
I’m glad I can go back to swooning over Ken, though.
Have a good night!
April 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm
So… if HK made the error, does that mean she must be spanked? Or spank us?
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
KENNETH O’DOYLE RULES
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
bumptious…
I think I’m in love…swoon…
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
In your face, bitch!
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
That gives me such a giddy, childish sense of “rightness”, I’m grinning like a fool. I think I’ll make some cookies.
It’s wonderfully legal longhand for “don’t start none, won’t be none”.
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
I giggled like a super-villain when I read the letter. Just priceless.
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
FUCK YEAH!! See, we lawyers are capable of awesome shit, too. My drunken fjl heart, esq., is full of joy.
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Makes me want to chew, chew, not suck, my way through a whole goody bag of salted anus lollipops to celebrate, damn it!
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Hey, whatever Ken’s into… he deserves it.
April 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
KISSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
April 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
threadjack
NANAB I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU – WHY YOU NO FORUMS NO MORE?
/threadjack
April 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm
thanks greyskye! I forum a little – its good to be back especially for this!
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Welcome back Nana, you were missed. Hope to see you on the boards soon <3
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Kenneth can “vague and bumptious” uglies with me any time…
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Pure awesomeness!
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
i’d bumptious some legal threats with you anytime, Kenneth P. White. i’ll even pay for the hotel room.
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
I’d even bumptious legal treats!
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Is anyone else hot under the collar for Ken? I think my husband will be getting him some tonight!
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
That is the sexiest thing I’ve read since Sookie finally did the Nordic vampire.
April 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
She did? Maybe I quit watching that show too soon.
April 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm
It’s better in the books.
April 26, 2012 at 4:16 am
Complete lie, the books are terrible. I know, I read 7 of them/off-topic de-lurk
April 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Yeah. I’ve never been a lawyer groupie before. Weird. I usually go for the rock/Hollywood stars.
April 25, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Mr. White is the lawyer equivalent of a rock star.
April 26, 2012 at 2:52 am
I’d run off and write “Rock Lawyer” in his honor, but it would require listening to the B-52s.
April 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm
And now that I have a visual image (THANK YOU), it will make it that much better!
April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Had to do it: http://www.zibbet.com/acraftyarab/artwork?artworkId=837907
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
We need to make Kenneth a Regresty award or trophy for that letter.
April 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm
I picture a wall plaque with fake wood veneer and a steampunk octopus – and title of “Most Lady Boners In One Post Award” ?
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Beautiful! Legalese can be quite easy to understand when used properly.
April 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
And when spelt correctly to!
Even with all the references to other cases I found that to be highly legible and coherent!!
April 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Kenneth, though I’m getting married later in the year, and though I really shouldn’t have them, let me give you babies!!!!! Please??????
Oh, that is so brilliantly written! Bless Ken and the law firm!
~wanders off to have happy coffee, because it is far too early in the day to be having a vodka – yet~
April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
That sound you heard was a hundred thousand panties across Regretsyland being drenched from this amazeboats letter.
I’m eagerly waiting for the inevitable unintelligible response from Broken Bali Boats, Inc.
April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Somebody’s gonna be doing a lot of research in the next few days….
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Citing case law properly and mentioning the Streisand effect? This guy has stolen the small, black portion of my heart still devoted to comprehension of legalese. (I worked in the legal field for a couple of years, and have spent the years since then trying to forget how to write briefs, though still managing to wear them.)
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
I love that he says “SLAPP” so many times in that letter, because it is a beautiful legal slap-down. SLAP SLAP SLAP IN YO FACE.
April 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
He can SLAPP me anytime!
April 25, 2012 at 7:50 pm
I’d like to offer him a good bumptious SLAPP.
I’ll be in my bunk.
April 25, 2012 at 8:48 pm
April 25, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Your gif made me happier than I ever should be watching a gif.
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Oooooh KENNETH! *Swoon*
Gosh… way to make all the ladies weak kneed you silver tongued devil you.
That was truly and epic rebbuttal. Bravo sir, bravo.
By the way, can anyone smell something? I think I smell pooped pants…
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
FUCK YEAH.
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Hot damn.
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
This is so deliciously perfect I can hardly stand it… *rubs hands together maniacally*
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
I want to have his babies.
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
I only wish we could see the looks on those shmuck’s faces when they saw this…
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Oh, I’m too drunk to care how stupid this sounds: I want to have 10,000 of this letter’s babies.
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
OWNED.
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
“…the intractably mentally ill,”
BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I literally peed a little on that one!
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
I wonder if Schechter made it through the first page.
And I dunno about you FJL’s but I’m gonna go watch the shit out of some Perry Mason right now.
April 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm
He’s probably still trying to read it.
April 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm
April 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm
I picture him sitting there saying “Ha! intractably – now looks who’s talking gibberish!”
April 25, 2012 at 10:27 pm
That word, I do not think it means what you think it means…
April 26, 2012 at 5:05 am
I’m still betting his wife used his name without his knowledge. In which case, this could be the first he’s heard of it. Which (a) is awesome to picture if you’re a blackhearted harpie like me and (b) makes it likely didn’t get through the first page before taking a ‘screaming at the wife’ break. Other commenters in the last thread whom I can only assume are highly respected lawyers were saying that if she wrote the letter it put him in a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ position with respect to taking the blame or throwing her under the bus.
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Mr. Kenneth White is my new hero! Amazing gentleman. Nothing like kicking ass with style!
April 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
That’s so hot. I want him to govern me accordingly.
April 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
*insert Pocket Whip noise here*
April 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Kenneth, I hope someone buys you a really delicious sandwich for this.
April 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Or invites him to part of a really delicious sandwich. Whatever he wants.
April 25, 2012 at 9:54 pm
“I caught you a delicious bass.”
April 26, 2012 at 12:42 am
But then I dropped it.
And that’s how I found out I am actually Skrillex
April 26, 2012 at 9:31 am
I enjoy what you did there.
April 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
I’m Intractably Mentally Ill
needs to be on a t-shirt or cross-stitched!
April 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
I’ll be in my bunk. ;>
April 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
LOVE it! A letter form a REAL attorney. He had me at “bumptious”
April 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Word. Porn.
April 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Glorious word porn at that.
April 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
That is positively brilliant. My evening was made better by this letter.
April 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm
I wonder though, if Mr. Schechter has any damned clue what this letter does in fact say, what with his apparent legal prowess and mastery of the English language.
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
No, I’m sure he doesn’t. I hope they have DSL, or else it’s going to take them a long time to search all that shit on Wikipedia.
April 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Malapropism is just hot coming from a lawyer.
April 26, 2012 at 4:10 am
Oh! I just got it. I thought you were saying Ken made a malapropism… did a malapropism? Laid a malapropism in the middle of the cotton bond?
Now I see you meant “Malapropism” is just hot coming form a lawyer!
April 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm
I think I love this attorney.
April 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Bumptious= new favorite word!
April 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Slam. Dunk. Fist. Pump.
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
He can get ridiculous on my face any time. /blushity blush
I think this rebuttal is my new bedtime story.
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I had to look up bumptious (offensively self-assertive) and The Streisand Effect, and both were well worth the seconds it took. Two excellent terms that I’ll be able to use day to day while referring to people’s behaviour on the internet. Thank you, Kenneth!
April 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
wonder how many hits “Streisand Effect” got in the last 20 minutes?
April 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Got one from me.
April 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm
A shitload, excuse my French. When I Googled it “Streisand,” before I even typed “E” for “Effect,” it was on the top!
April 26, 2012 at 12:39 am
I managed to get “Strei” and “Streisand Effect” came up before both “Streisand” and “Barbara Streisand”. Looks like its getting more popular as the night/morning goes on.
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Ladies of Regretsy, let us start up a harem for the entertainment of Kenneth the Wonderful. He deserves all the fat, jealous Loser chicks he can deal with.
April 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm
I am certain the XY among us can appreciate prose porn just as much, more the merrier, right?
April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Sadly for Ken and his firm, the plaintiffs in this case have no money to pay their legal fees. They can, however, provide them with some lovely handmade furniture from reclaimed boats out of Indonesia, and at a price that will more than equal said attorneys fees.
April 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Maybe he can even get a whole, intact boat and avoid their bumptious product altogether.
April 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
It’s twice as good if you read it in a pompous English accent. I wonder how much I’d have to bribe my boyfriend to get him to do it.
April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Going down on him while he reads it seems apropos and would probably be mutually agreeable to all? I imagine no few FJLs would buy that on DVD for self-governing purposes.
April 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm
So which posh Brit do we want to read this? John Cleese or Hugh Laurie would be my pics.
April 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm
Them or Stephen Fry.
April 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm
John Cleese is actually a barrister, so he has that going for him. Hugh Laurie is Hugh Laurie, which is also a win. I’ve been watching the two series of Sherlock often enough to have developed an appreciation for how well Ben Cumberbatch can do posh sneering and elegant contempt. I’d put him on the list as a potential contender.
Oooh. Although there is always Tim Curry to consider, too.
April 25, 2012 at 8:14 pm
OH JESUS TIM CURRY……I just soaked my knickers, brb….
April 25, 2012 at 8:29 pm
I regret that I have only one thumbs-up to give the idea of Tim Curry reading this in his most sexy British Villain Voice.
April 25, 2012 at 7:48 pm
John Hurt.
April 25, 2012 at 9:07 pm
ANY AND ALL – for some reason my weird brain keeps going to David Mitchell or David Walliams. Or Dawn French.
April 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm
YESSS! DAWN FRENCH!! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!
i am so disappointed in myself right now… slavering fool….
April 26, 2012 at 1:44 am
Alan Rickman. Snape style delivery. Cool, drawn out, with a bite.
April 26, 2012 at 3:00 am
And that explains why the world ends this year. No point in continuing; nothing left to accomplish.
April 26, 2012 at 3:53 am
I vote for the tenth Doctor.
David Tennant in righteous indignation mode would be the cherry on top of all this delicious word play.
April 26, 2012 at 7:36 am
:::SWOON:::
April 26, 2012 at 10:16 am
Yes. Yes! YES. YES! YESSSS!!!!!
April 26, 2012 at 7:45 am
I’d like to hear Patrick Stewart reading it. But I’m weird that way.
April 26, 2012 at 11:06 pm
Yes, his smooth and sexy voice is totally orgasm worthy.
April 26, 2012 at 7:50 am
Sir Derek Jacobi. Knight, Emperor, Prince, King.
April 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm
We need Sam Cornwell to read this fucker.
April 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm
How about Samuel Jackson? I wanna hear him say bumptious.
April 25, 2012 at 9:15 pm
Yes! As his character from Pulp Fiction?
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
I wonder if we can get Stephen Fry to read this letter? I would play that on a loop.
April 25, 2012 at 8:01 pm
Nanners, how about if your boyfriend opens a Fiverr account and reads passages for $5 in a pompous British accent?
Wait, maybe he couldn’t do that with this letter. Maybe if he did that, Kenneth White would send US a cease-and-desist letter…and that would be so delicious. MORE. WORD. PORN.
April 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm
It is an interesting legal question – whether or not someone could legally make money from reading a private communication which was posted on a website…
Any ideas if that’s o.k., resident lawyers?
April 26, 2012 at 1:45 am
You should send him an email and ask him. Whatever his reply, it’ll be fun to read.
April 26, 2012 at 3:28 pm
The fact that there are people who would pay for him to do it – and I know there are – both horrifies and excites me.
April 26, 2012 at 4:37 am
I cast my vote for Jeremy Irons. No one does bumptious like Jem.
April 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
I have to agree with others above… I’m officially in love..
April 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm
I read that comment to the tune of “I’m in love with a wonderful guy” from South Pacific.
April 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm
If I can’t fully understand it, it must be good.
April 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
A quote from Kenneth at the link Helen provided: “Dr. and Ms. Maloney’s complaint asserts claims for intentional infliction of emotional distress (or, as I like to call it, Butthurt In the First Degree)”
I am officially proposing to Kenneth. Blow jobs included.
April 25, 2012 at 7:28 pm
This line is a thing of beauty, “It’s the fact that saying “my attorney/co-counsel is Marc Randazza” inspires abrupt incontinence like saying “bring out the gimp!”
April 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Sorry, kiddo. He’s already married.
April 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
This is why I went to law school. I don’t practice now, but am considering hanging my shingle again so I can corner the niche market on frivolous, spurious, and freakishly unprofessional legal threats against people who speak the truth to Etsy power. I won’t get rich (because I’ll list my services on Fiverr, baby!), but I’ll get to exercise my vocabulary and grind ridiculous reselling assholes into ash. I’ll need some partners with specific last names: Didyu, Just, Douthat, Yuass.
April 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
I would hire you right now.
April 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Hugo, as the first taker, you’d get a discount. I’ll only charge you $4.75!
April 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm
Let me know when you set up shop!
April 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm
If you know someone with the last name Uker (or Ucker, or Yuker), it’s on and poppin’. I think we’d need just one more to make it awesome: (my last name is Cox). Didyu, Just, Douthat, Yuass, Cox, Ucker, LLC.
April 26, 2012 at 12:46 am
I’d just want a humble job answering the phone at that practice. And just being able to answer a phone “Didyu, Just, Douthat, Yuass, Cox, Ucker, how may I direct your call?” would be all the payment I would require.
April 25, 2012 at 7:56 pm
Also, it was just pointed out to me on FB that it should be noted that my last name is Cox. So, the firm name would need to include that somehow, I’d guess. Maybe Didyu, Just, Douthat, Yuass, Cox… and Ucker?
April 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm
My sister married a Cox. Their favorite game is “What shouldn’t we name the children?”. The current winners are Harry, Sharon, and Ophelia.
April 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I love you and your family.
April 26, 2012 at 12:05 am
Hmmmmmmmmmm. Hart, Li Key, Bigg…
April 25, 2012 at 10:15 pm
Oh, that’s always fun to do. The one time I had to respond to a ridiculous cease-and-desist was the most fun I had in my legal career so far. I was not as eloquent as Kenneth (and trust me, I’m taking notes, in case I ever have to do this again) – but I like to think I got a few zingers in there too.
April 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bumptious and grind.
April 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Ha!
April 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm
Awthankyou.
April 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Slowest of slow-claps ever clapped slowly. That was beautiful.
April 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Naw, I did this:
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
yea, it was freakin’ hot! I screamed a little too!
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Seconded.
April 25, 2012 at 10:50 pm
That was *SO* me, too! I thought I was a deviant for how this letter made me feel; then I read all the comments and realized I really am a deviant and feel right at home in the company of all thes fat jealous losers! <3
April 25, 2012 at 9:13 pm
I hooted. Twice.
April 25, 2012 at 11:08 pm
Is that what we’re calling it these days?
April 26, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Should I be proud or ashamed that I haven’t the foggiest idea what a hoot is (assuming it is neither the sound an owl makes, nor something to do with the restaurant)???
This post has me so confused all over!
May 2, 2012 at 11:26 pm
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
April 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Saaa-weeeet! Oh, and dearest Mariana and Howard, like Balinese sands through the reclaimed wooden hourglass, these are the days of yo lives, bitches!
April 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
That may just get runner up comment of the day!! I spit Diet Cole out my nose.
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
I meant Diet Coke… Stupid autocorrect.
April 25, 2012 at 6:56 pm
There was so much awesome in that letter and most of you have pointed out the highlights, but dang, that was awesome.
April 25, 2012 at 8:14 pm
The awesome letter of awesome is awesome?
April 25, 2012 at 6:56 pm
Best. Letter. Ever!
April 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
I was going to ask if he was married, because I think I am in love, but it looks like I need to get in line!
April 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm
We could all take turns.
April 25, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I’m # 384,957, so don’t cut in front of me, okay? thx
April 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm
He’ll be A modern day Solomon, dispensing wisdom and smack-downs with his 1000 wives ready to serve, copy, collate, cook, clean, fellate, take dictation, take dick, and stand by their glorious lord and king
April 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Sorry but he’s married.
April 25, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Hey! Don’t thumbs down me because you can’t handle the truth!
April 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
This is so full of awesome I feel it leaking out of my eyeballs.
However, one thing bothers me. As a member of the intractably mentally ill, let me tell you, we really wouldn’t let Howard in our club. Perhaps maybe the incorrigibly mentally ill would have a place for him.
April 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm
The criminally insane perhaps? Even we intractably have SOME standards!
April 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Nope, we don’t want him, either!
April 25, 2012 at 10:47 pm
Full-Tilt Bozo said they’d take him.
April 26, 2012 at 1:22 am
Well, that’s that settled then!
April 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
Wahoo! This is awesome
April 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
via
April 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm
MINE!! dibs! Dibs! Dibbity dib dibs!
April 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm
I’d hit that. Repeatedly, and vaguely and bumptiously.
April 25, 2012 at 7:30 pm
April 25, 2012 at 7:44 pm
Look at that little smirk! He knows EXACTLY how bad-ass he truly is.
April 25, 2012 at 8:07 pm
Aw he looks so cuddly, too…and I love the full mouth that would say those wonderful wonderful words…and the receding hairline…more skin to lick and kiss.
I’ll be in my bunk.
April 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm
Too sexy
April 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm
You’re the guy in the joke about the pope who goes to heaven and gets stuck in a little apartment, but the lawyer get a mansion on the hill because he’s the only lawyer who made it into heaven.
April 25, 2012 at 9:05 pm
He’s a little young for me, but what a way with words! swoon. luv me some harvard cum laude, can’t you make him just a leetle older? makes ME freakishly bumptious!
April 25, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Younger men are great! You should give it a try!
April 25, 2012 at 11:27 pm
That’s the same look my cat gets on her face when my boyfriend thinks he’s going to move her off his chair to reclaim his spot and she’s about to unleash holy hell on him.
April 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
Just so you all know, “pro se litigants” is a fancy-schmancy way of saying “idiots”. I liked it quite as much as “intractably mentally ill”!
April 25, 2012 at 8:35 pm
Pro se litigants make up the bulk of tax court, which makes for some interesting petitions. One of my favorite quotes is “I would have never joined the Army or become an Eagle Scout if I had known I would have to pay taxes.”
April 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm
LOL! As I wrote, “idiots”!
April 25, 2012 at 9:08 pm
Stop quoting me or I’ll c & d you.
April 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm
No! I’ll C&D you!!
April 26, 2012 at 10:09 am
I’ll bet anything the litigant actually wrote, “I would never OF joined the Army … if I WOULD OF known …”
April 26, 2012 at 11:23 am
Talk about intractable mentally ill. My brain can’t wrap itself around that… What the fuck do the two have to do with taxes?
May 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm
Indeed quite bumptious!!
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Sincerely,
Kenneth P White
Badass at Law.
April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Dead sexi Mr. White: http://www.brownwhitelaw.com/attorneys/kwhite.html
cum laude (from Harvard) indeed
April 25, 2012 at 10:25 pm
Ah – no wonder this letter is as good as that. Harvard Law School, then a couple of really top-notch law firms, and then a name partner in what looks like a good boutique law firm with lots of impressive cases listed on his page? Color me impressed.
April 25, 2012 at 10:32 pm
Actually, he’s written that he spent 5 years in a big firm, then joined the small one he’s partner in.
What? I research all my crushes! It’s not stalking, I swear!!
Honest!
April 25, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Two big firms, according to his bio – Paul Hastings from 2001-2003 (very impressive firm) and then Sheppard Mullin from 2003-2005, as special counsel (i.e. one step below a partner, also at a very impressive firm). Then he joined the small firm as a named partner (not just a partner – a partner whose name appears in the firm name). All of it is damn impressive.
April 25, 2012 at 11:51 pm
Yep, just as I wrote. 5 years in two big firms!
Thanks for the verification, meepster!
April 26, 2012 at 12:02 am
Hey! Look who just launched an Amazon store!
Now why would a handcrafter… er… handmade furniture collective want to be selling on Amazon?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
April 26, 2012 at 1:21 am
Well, that’s where that comment went. Where are my glasses, Fred?
Fred??
April 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I think Etsy will let her close her store quietly rather than admit they were taken for a ride by a reseller who lied about the origin of her furniture.
April 26, 2012 at 8:57 am
Harvard & Stanford? Dude is smart as shit.
April 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
panties droppin’
pussy poppin to the sound of bumptious intractable mentally ill
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
He’s a cutey and he looks intelligent too!
April 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
Hell, I’d stop for that on the street even if I didn’t know it was him! Wonder if I can get my Lawyer BF to read the letter while wearing Kenneth’s pic over his face?
April 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Do it! Nothing wrong with a little role play, eh? *wink wink nudge nudge*
April 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm
Whatever floats your boat… wood furniture!
April 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
I see your “Govern yourself accordingly”, and raise you one “I urge you to reconsider your course of action.”!
Well played Mr. White, well played.
April 26, 2012 at 6:33 am
I have the irresistable urge to write an entire tacky romance novel just so I can use those two phrases as dialogue.
April 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
I want to add this dude on facebook but I couldn’t find him.
April 25, 2012 at 7:56 pm
mebbe not him, but his firm https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Brown-White-Newhouse-LLP/129125023815525
(waits for the innuendos using firm in 3…2…… )
April 25, 2012 at 8:01 pm
We need to send his likes into the STRATOSPHERE!
April 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm
It’s cases like these that make me fall in love with Regretsy all over again.
April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Mr. White leaves a bit to be desired in the page numbering category, but more than makes up for it with “bumptious”. “Bumptious” is pure win all the way down to the bone.
April 26, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Read upthread. It was all April’s fault. She even explains how.
April 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm
faultI would accept either ‘mistake’ or ‘error’.
April 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
Interesting to compare how Etsy treated the seller detailed below with how it treated Miss Schechter.
http://www.handmadeology.com/etsy-shop-suspended-what-you-need-to-know/
Also a potentially appealing story suggestion to email to the press and newpapers I think… comparing the two stories feels a very accessible way of identifying the key issues while keeping the story on a human level.
April 25, 2012 at 9:09 pm
That’s a shocking story. The contrast with the ass-kissing delivered to the Schechters is insane. Etsy’s starting to look almost like a con.
April 26, 2012 at 10:49 am
“Almost”?
April 27, 2012 at 6:10 pm
No story…they let her reopen. Read this in the 4-17-12 Wall Street Journal:
‘Etsy sent Lisa Jacobs an email asking her to answer a list of questions about how she made and shipped the jewelry in her shop, says the 34-year-old who lives in Wellington, New Zealand. After she answered some questions, Etsy shut down her shop, citing its rule that bars sellers from using third-party vendors to fulfill orders. “I became frantic,” says the mother of four, who says she “earns a very decent salary” from the shop. Her shop reopened after she agreed to ship products directly from her home, adding one week to delivery times for U.S. consumers. Etsy had no comment on Ms. Jacobs’s experience.’
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304299304577349731690704306.html?mod=WSJ_article_comments#articleTabs%3Darticle
April 27, 2012 at 6:15 pm
But then of course, the question still is…why does she have to “agree to ship 3-party vendor products from her home” if these are handmade by her…
April 27, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Correction: that should say ‘agree to ship 3rd-party vendor products “from her home, adding one week to delivery times for U.S. consumers.”‘
April 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
And furthermore, booyah! Ken totally owned that idiot!
April 25, 2012 at 7:31 pm
This is my first real example of Internet PWN-age.
April 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
*glances down at lap, back up to the letter, and back down to lap again*
…
Well then. That’s an interesting response to something written that wasn’t actually outright porn.
I expected a giggling, childish glee, and I got that. What I did not expect was this bizarre (and thankfully dry) warmth. Huh.
This is…weird. Very…very weird…
What kind of black magic fuckery is this!? What are you doing to us? You have to be working a spell, Kenneth, you have to be. That’s the ONLY logical explanation!
April 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
I love love LOVE that letter!! The only way it could be better would be if he had ended it with “Govern yourself accordingly”.
But we can’t have everything, can we?
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Is that you, Cadence?
April 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm
Sadly, no. Or maybe happily, no.
April 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Now that’s what I expect a lawyer’s letter to look like! I don’t expect we’ll be hearing back from our linguistically-challenged legal crying eagle, unfortunately.
April 25, 2012 at 8:50 pm
“Sending out the legal eagles” needs to be a term here for butthurt lawsuit threats.
April 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Can someone find out if Kenneth is single because I am seriously turned on right now…..
April 25, 2012 at 8:47 pm
He’s married… and apparently in fear of sleeping on the couch tonight because his wife’s reading this thread!
FJL win again!!
April 25, 2012 at 9:03 pm
That, or she’ll take him to their wedding bed with glee, knowing that thousands of FJLs want her man! I know that’s what I’d do with my husband if he pulled off a coup like this…
April 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Speaking of the Christmas Story – I Think we should send Kenneth a Leg Lamp.
(Would that be taken as flattery or creepy? But that is also the lovely space where Regretsy lives as well…. )
April 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm
It would definitely be a step up from the traditional and completely overdone fruit basket. . .
April 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm
I’ve never heard of so many boners on a reply page. You fat jealous losers don’t get much do you?
I don’t blame you, it was a fantastically written letter…
April 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm
No, it’s from that deeply held feeling that when pompous, wannabe lawyer-types who get so butthurt when they get caught in lies get so owned, so well, so professionally, the feeling is instantly sexual.
That whole letter is “Dear Sir: Fuck you. Case law, fuck you. Intractably mentally ill, fuck you. Bumptious, fuck you. Win, win, win. Fuck you.
Sincerely, Fuck You.
That’s what makes it perfect. Every single sentence read “you’re an idiot, fuck you”. And it’s a legal document!
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
made my nips hard in the first paragraph!
April 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm
The PERFECT “You’re an idiot. Fuck off.” letter.
April 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm
You get every single thumb I am legally allowed to give.
April 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
Sure beats reading most erotica.
April 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Evidence that regrestians are mostly sapiosexual.
April 26, 2012 at 4:25 am
*blinks* … *checks online dictionary for ‘sapiosexual’* … ah! yes yes!
April 26, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Don’t get much prose like that!!!
April 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Several friends once received a cease and desist letter from a troll they had to ban from their site for harassing people (she kept going after that by harassing them on Twitter), who sent them a C&D that looked like she’d blatantly copied it off the Interwebz by typing “cease and desist” into Google.
Then I discovered the site she got it from, copied complete save for replacing names, but with the original date she forgot to edit off it…
http://kook.us/cease-and-desist.htm
April 25, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Good. But Ken’s is better. Ken’s is AWESOME!!
April 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm
Well, hers was a C&D, but Ken’s is the Interwebz C&D response to end all, and I wish we’d had back then.
The only thing that would’ve made Howard’s C&D more epic was bad kerning and multicolored text.
April 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm
… in Comic Sans font.
April 25, 2012 at 10:03 pm
… a star-field background. And maybe a little man in a hardhat with a shovel and traffic cone next to a sign that says, “lawyering in progress.”
April 25, 2012 at 11:54 pm
This may happen. I
hazhave Photoshop skillz.April 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm
This is the most badass lawyer letter I have ever read! He should hire himself out just to write fuck off letters. I have some people in my life that need fuck off letters.
April 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I actually contacted him by email to tell him what an awesome job he did, and he responded! By google’s calculations (I’m in Australia) it’s after 7pm in California, but still has time to respond to a silly little email from a silly little Aussie. Highlight of my day
)
April 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Brown-White-Newhouse-LLP/129125023815525
April 25, 2012 at 7:47 pm
Like!
<3
well, he's going to be shocked when they get 500 "likes" on the FB page
April 25, 2012 at 8:48 pm
He won’t be, but whoever is running the FB page for the firm will!
April 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm
Only 47 “likes”? Come on, fat jealous losers!!
April 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm
What did he say???
April 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm
Shush! That might be really personal!!
April 25, 2012 at 8:12 pm
And your point is what, BewilderingDialogue??
April 25, 2012 at 10:34 pm
I’m not quite sure any more. Must’ve been the cats on my keyboard!
April 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm
He thanked me and said I was very kind. And said “cheers”… I didn’t know you guys said cheers
April 25, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Not unless liquor is involved, no. But hey, Kenneth “Who Will Be Mugsy’s First Husband and I’ll Cut Anyone Who Gets in My Way” White is a smart guy–he saw the .au in your e-mail (I assume you have it) and answered you in a sweet way that you’d appreciate.
April 25, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Sorry, Mugsy, but he’s married!
April 25, 2012 at 9:04 pm
BewilderingDialogue…I said that HE will be MY first husband and as he states in an e-mail reply below, he could end up sleeping on the couch tonight, so, you know…
Not that I wish him any unhappiness!
April 25, 2012 at 7:46 pm
I contacted him too! Too little time has passed so I didn’t get a response (yet).
April 25, 2012 at 8:24 pm
I checking my inbox every five seconds because I got a great reply from him and asked him if I could post it here!
I feel like a Twilight fan for jeebus’ sake!
April 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm
April 25, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Needs more manicure.
April 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm
French tips, specifically.
April 25, 2012 at 10:32 pm
Something something innuendo using french tips.
(I think I’m running out of pun-steam)
April 26, 2012 at 10:52 am
it doesn’t need more manicure… it needs more cowbell
April 25, 2012 at 7:36 pm
So stealing this pic.
April 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Aaaand scene.
April 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm
<img src="
“>
April 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
A lawyer poet — or Poet Lawyerette. A thing of beauty.
April 25, 2012 at 7:12 pm
bump·tious/ˈbəmpSHəs/
Adjective:
Self-assertive or proud to an irritating degree.
Synonyms:
conceited – arrogant – overweening – assuming – cocky
April 25, 2012 at 7:12 pm
lol at “overweening”
April 25, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Finally, an attorney that I like.
I love his choice of words such as; bumptious, malapropisms, gibberish, freakishly and the Striesand Effect are all quite joyful to read.
Also,the way that he just scribbles his name is just a huge F-U to that rickedy old fart. Much like, ” You are so not worth my time I won’t even spend the time to write out my name”……Pure legal awesomeness!
April 25, 2012 at 7:13 pm
After reading that, I really feel like governing myself accordingly.
April 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm
I have to say that Regretsy is the only internet community that I’ve ever felt at home in. YOU ARE MY REAL FAMILY.
April 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Welcome home!
Join us in the forums if you haven’t already.
April 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm
This was so beautiful I actually cried. Not one tear was shed, but many.
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Oh, SNAP!!! I think I want to marry that lawyer. What a brilliant comeback.
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Too bad he didnt sign off with ” I hope you conduct yourself accordingly”. What a capper that would have been.
April 25, 2012 at 8:22 pm
‘govern’.
April 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm
oops,,,,,,,,,sorry. In the future I wil strive to govern my (typing) accordingly.
April 25, 2012 at 8:39 pm
crap! “will”.
April 25, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Don’t worry. It always happens that way.
April 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
So many words, so many wonderful words, and not a single extraneous one. Absolute perfection.
April 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm
I was getting ready to watch some porn when I was directed here for this glorious update.
I made the better choice.
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
She did not call them, say, “liars” or “cheaters,” or “thieving lying cheating resellers,” for example. She did not use words like “sham” or “con” or even “douchenozzle.”
DAMMIT, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?
*sigh* OK.
They’re liars, cheaters and are thieving, lying cheating resellers. They’re a sham, a con, and a douchenozzle.
OK. Done.
April 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Damn. If I wasn’t already happily married, I would totally ask Ken out on a date.
On a totally unrelated and random note. The name ‘Bali Ha’i Imports’ has been bugging the shit out of me. Bali, Indonesia is not the same island as Bali Ha’i, which is actually Ambae (aka Leper’s Island), Vanuatu.
Two different islands, two different counties, thousands of miles apart.
April 25, 2012 at 7:44 pm
It made me think of a movie each time, cause I was making it one word. And I can’t think of the movie and that is still pissing me off
April 25, 2012 at 7:50 pm
The movie you’re thinking of is South Pacific.
April 25, 2012 at 7:53 pm
Finally! I thought I might have been intractably mentally ill. but now I have that song in my head
April 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm
It is a catchy song. I’m partial to the Mandy Patinkin version. Most people know the version sung by Bloody Mary in the movie though.
April 25, 2012 at 8:05 pm
Hot Damn! I found it on Youtube.
If there’s one guy on Earth sexier than ol’ Ken tonight, it’s Mandy Patinkin.
Here ya go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTXl3oArrW4
Oh, and here’s a clip of Bloody Mary singing it in the movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81NROmUb7o0
April 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm
I’ve had it in my head since I saw the damn words written. And I know all of the words to Bali Ha’i because I was damned “Bloody Mary” in my high school’s production of South Pacific. I keep hearing someone in my head saying, “You no saxy like lootellan!”
April 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm
I did not know that he sang. Well damn, I’m learning a lot of things tonight
April 25, 2012 at 8:20 pm
OMG.
I think I need a moment. I find Mr. Patinkin very – er – bumptious. Now with the heady words above + MP mentioned in the same thread?
Jeepers. Where is my cabana boy when I need him?
April 25, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Naw. Intractably mentally ill people never consider that they might be intractably mentally ill!
April 25, 2012 at 7:21 pm
Fucking. Boss.
Plus I just spent some time looking up SLAPP and anti-SLAPP suits in order to know what Hero Lawyer is saying. It’s teaching me while I learn!
April 25, 2012 at 7:21 pm
i rarely reply unless the relevent jackassery is just too good to pass up, and this whole situation is just one of the biggest pieces of fried internet gold EVER! i literally sat up for two hours last night, in the dark with my little cellphone screen, reading everyone’s comments on the previous posts so far. it killed my eyes, but it was worth it, and this just keeps getting better and better!
y’know, i was just thinking that even though this lawyer’s letter is full of legalese, i can still understand every single word of it*. compare that to the verbal abortion of a “letter” that Mr/Mrs. Schechter wrote, 75% of which i STILL can’t figure out!
(*except for “bumptious”. i don’t know what the hell that word means, but it sounds pretty fucking awesome and i plan on looking it up and using it as much as humanly possible! )
April 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm
I’m imagining the Mr getting this letter having had NO IDEA that trophy wife sent a letter in his name… I hope she has a good pre-nup…
More lady boner!!
April 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm
THAT is how it’s done.
April 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm
this man is my new hero.
April 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Amazeboats! I especially love the early-’90s design of the letterhead where the letter doesn’t actually start until after all the important law partners are listed — and then those wide, wide paragraphs. And all in Times Roman. Swoon. If Mr White turns out to be gay, I call dibs!
April 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm
I’m sorry, was I making too much noise while I was reading?
April 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm
I couldn’t hear anything over the sounds I was making!
May 2, 2012 at 11:52 pm
“Where is that fapping noise coming from…?”
April 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm
I think that is a once in a lifetime occurrence, to have someone step up and defend you so thoroughly, so completely badass, that underdogs everywhere stand up and say, “Fuck Yeah!!” Mr White came to the defense of all of us really, and that is what makes it so fucjing beautiful!!
April 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm
Never before has a single letter by a single (you hope) lawyer launched so many propositions.
April 25, 2012 at 7:28 pm
here ya go, fat jealous losers! definition courtesy of Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary:
bump-tious: presumptuously, obtusely, and often noisily self-assertive.
now keep calm and govern yourselves accordingly…
April 25, 2012 at 7:30 pm
3 pages of pure awesomeness!
April 25, 2012 at 7:30 pm
I want to design a t-shirt that says “Intractably Mentally Ill” in pretty, pretty letters.
April 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm
April 25, 2012 at 8:37 pm
I’d like to see a girl’s T with the word “Bumptious” on it………..
May 2, 2012