Healing Through TragiCrafting™: Dick Clark Edition
As you may know, one of my very favorite topics around here is the feeding frenzy that kicks in on Etsy whenever someone of note dies. I call it, TragiCrafting™.
But let’s be clear about one thing: TragiCrafting™ is not fueled by the desire to make a buck off a dead celebrity. That would be so very cynical and wrong, and not at all pastel and creamy and covered with mustaches.
No, TragiCrafting™ is different. TragiCrafting™ is all about healing.
It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Yes. Yes, it is.
So when Dick Clark checked out yesterday, I felt that special tingle I get whenever poor judgment is in the air. It would only be a matter of time before hastily decoupaged American Bandstand tampon boxes and battery operated clocks made out of Ohio Players albums started clogging up the Etsy colon.
Then this happened.
DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU’RE MY HERO
More Tragicrafting™:
- Amy Winehouse
- Davy Jones
- Steve Jobs
- Whitney Houston
UPDATE: SOLD!
April 19, 2012 at 9:29 am
I thought I’d never get my hands on Dick Clarks balls
April 19, 2012 at 10:12 am
would you have to hang them almost all the way down at the bottom of the tree like old man balls?
i just totally grossed myself out.
April 19, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Now ask yourself this important question “Would Dick Clark have wanted me to fondle his Blue Balls?”
Of Course is the only answer!! His REAL name is Richard, he obviously liked putting his Dick on TV for years… he would totally give his approval for you to grab his balls and remember him!
April 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm
I am shocked and saddened by the disrespect being shown towards Dick’s ball. Dick dropped his ball every New Year’s Eve to fulfill all our fantasies and now that he is not here to defend himself y’all just want to kick Dick right in his ball.
Ya know how the Mayans said the world will end in 2012? Well of course it will, because without Dick’s ball we can’t have a 2013.
I am ashamed at your crude behavior. I honor Dick’s ball and will now go fondle my squirrel taxidermy in his memory.
Shame on you. SHAME!
(sigh. I’m gonna miss Dick’s ball. Saw it last year and thought it might be the last. Wish I hadn’t been right.)
April 19, 2012 at 5:46 pm
Dick dropped his balls for your sins, and don’t you forget it!
April 20, 2012 at 5:16 pm
He was a cryptorchid?!? themoreyouknow.jpg
April 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm
Alrighty, this one has the tag “Death” and arrived just moments after Dick choked out his last breath:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/97929497/
April 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Computer designed yet only 6 available. hmm.
April 19, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Wagstaff? Really? IMDB confirms. I guess at that point “Dick” seems pretty mild as names go.
April 19, 2012 at 7:26 pm
The postmark serves as proof of the date of issue, and can’t be reproduced with that date. The $5 price is actually very reasonable.
April 20, 2012 at 8:09 am
Yeah, but last I checked… It cost 32 cents to mail a postcard, not 10 cents. I didn’t think you could have the PO stamp it without the right postage. Also, does the seller own the rights to those two photos they slapped on there?
April 29, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Just found this in that seller’s items. There is not enough WTF in the world.
April 19, 2012 at 9:29 am
So in order to remember Dick Clark we have to fondle his balls?
April 19, 2012 at 9:30 am
We don’t HAVE to, but who can resist?
April 19, 2012 at 9:43 am
Your avatar makes your question oh so much better.
April 19, 2012 at 10:01 am
It’s what he would have wanted.
Well, I would anyway.
April 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm
They are shaven…
They are 6cm in size
They have been touched by three wives and Barry Manilow..
DICK CLARK’S BALLS
(a little TragiCrafting pyramid as we heal!!)
April 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Just remember to do so gently — they look awfully full . . .
April 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm
Of little Dick Clarks, no less. (Uhh, huhuh…)
April 19, 2012 at 3:28 pm
hey at least both balls are there. you dont just get one
April 19, 2012 at 9:30 am
“Hold these balls in your hand and feel Dick Clark in them,” sounds like a pickup line, not a product description. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
April 19, 2012 at 10:16 am
More like “feel up Dick Clark”???
April 19, 2012 at 9:31 am
Nothing helps you grieve like a nice set of blue balls.
April 19, 2012 at 10:02 am
Not be the first time I’ve grieved over blue balls.
April 19, 2012 at 10:25 am
If you don’t keep them around, they’re easy enough to make. All you need is a few hours, a little skill and proper restraints.
April 19, 2012 at 9:32 am
I always think of Dick when I have balls in my hand.
April 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Indeed!
April 19, 2012 at 9:32 am
I really admire the seller for not going for the obvious Dick joke. This person is clearly a master. Well played.
April 19, 2012 at 11:53 am
Indeed. I personally plan to come here (so to speak) when Dick Cheney passes. Can hardly wait.
April 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm
I get all tingly and happy thinking about the possibilities. Of course, a Darth Vader figurine will have to be incorporated into the Evil Dick tribute.
April 21, 2012 at 4:09 am
The things for sale on Etsy then won’t be so much tragicrafting as a flood of wooden stakes made from barnwood and upcycled silver bullets.
April 19, 2012 at 9:32 am
Dick Clark was awesome… so are his balls! I’m surprised there aren’t more “crafts” to commemorate/cash in on his death
April 19, 2012 at 9:34 am
Give them a few seconds, it takes a while for the glue to set and the acrylic paint to dry.
April 19, 2012 at 9:32 am
Dick Clark is lost? Did he make a wrong turn somewhere? Someone get out a silver alert!
April 19, 2012 at 9:33 am
Sadly missing glitter, barnwood background, and the “steampunk” tag.
But otherwise glorious, especially the “tragicrafting” tag.
Golf clap (I’m at work so laughing is unacceptable).
April 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm
OMG! I didn’t notice that. Who wants to take bets on thsi being one of us FJLs?
April 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm
If I had money, I’d put it on this being by a fellow FJL.
April 19, 2012 at 4:52 pm
with the CF4L tag as well, I’m not betting against a FJL, that’s a losing bet.
April 19, 2012 at 9:34 am
This listing had to be one of our own… If not, recruit the seller to come to the dark side..
April 19, 2012 at 9:36 am
check the tags
April 19, 2012 at 9:36 am
Oh it is . . . it has “cf4l” and “tragicrafting” tags. I like the materials list.
April 19, 2012 at 11:10 am
I just snorted and scared my cat
April 19, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Oh thank goodness. I was in complete awe (once I wiped the laughter tears) at the thought that this was a serious listing. Well played.
April 19, 2012 at 9:55 am
someone own up to it… I think I found my soul mate..
April 19, 2012 at 11:50 am
It was PensEnvy from the Forums. Brilliant, No?
April 19, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Brilliant, Yes.
PensEnvy owes me a roll of paper towels.
April 19, 2012 at 10:11 am
That was one of the first things I noticed, too! There were just too many Dick & ball jokes in the listing for it to be an accident. The tags tell the truth!
April 19, 2012 at 10:24 am
OK Linda, Katherine and/or Kimber (if those ARE your real names), fess up – you crazy little earthmother homesteaders.
April 19, 2012 at 11:01 am
Whichever of you FJL did this, I think I love you!
April 19, 2012 at 9:35 am
Materials used: sorrow AND grief. She could have gone atleast $25 for these.
April 19, 2012 at 10:12 am
Yeah, but if you buy them wholesale, you can pass along your savings to your customers.
April 19, 2012 at 10:24 am
I just about lost it at “sorrow and grief”. The tears were threatening to spill over. Bravo, EloquentInspiration. Bra-Fucking-Vo.
April 19, 2012 at 9:35 am
This is the greatest of all Tragicrafts.
April 19, 2012 at 9:35 am
Place his balls upon the trees of the wood…
Thank you, Etsy. I have always wanted the opportunity to place Dick Clark’s balls on wood.
April 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Trees of wood… HAHAHA!
April 19, 2012 at 9:38 am
Too bad the Pulitzers were just announced, this seller would be a shoo-in. Nicely done, EloquentInspiration, nicely done indeed.
*applause*
April 19, 2012 at 9:38 am
perfection.
April 19, 2012 at 9:39 am
this is an amazing work of trolling. bravo!!!
April 19, 2012 at 9:45 am
Yes, I too smell the eau de Regretsybait… Lol.
April 19, 2012 at 12:50 pm
This is varsity level trolling.
April 19, 2012 at 9:41 am
DICK CLARK WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THIS WAY.
April 19, 2012 at 9:44 am
He would definitely want all of us talking about his balls. Dicks balls are pure perfection.
April 19, 2012 at 9:43 am
This is the most amazing thing ever.
April 19, 2012 at 9:43 am
“His balls have dropped for the last time” is the most touching eulogy I have ever read.
April 19, 2012 at 11:23 am
Name dropping in the title, ball dropping in the description. It’s a beautiful thing.
April 19, 2012 at 9:45 am
I know that “papier de toile” isn’t really French for “toilet paper,” but it just fits, y’know?
April 19, 2012 at 9:45 am
Nothing I would like more that Dick Clarks Blue Balls on my tree.. I do believe the true meaning of Christmas may be held in his balls if not at least the lyrics to feliz navidad
April 19, 2012 at 10:09 am
If you also have Isaac Hayes’ Salty Chocolate Balls, there’s not much more you need, is there?
April 19, 2012 at 2:38 pm
…a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Schwetty Balls?!
April 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm
No one can resist my schweddy balls!
April 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm
I need my balls feliz navidaded right now!
April 19, 2012 at 9:46 am
If only Etsy had been around when Guy Lombardo checked out. THEN I would have bought something.
April 19, 2012 at 9:48 am
Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy?
April 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Caught in a landslide…. of tragicrafting
No escape from reality…. except Regretsy!
April 19, 2012 at 9:49 am
Dying. Yeah, it’s bait, but it’s so beautifully executed.
April 19, 2012 at 9:49 am
Oh, Brava! This is a much better way to remember Dick Clark’s balls than how they probably actually were before he died! Too soon?
April 19, 2012 at 9:53 am
Never too soon for Dick’s balls.
April 19, 2012 at 9:52 am
CF4L
April 19, 2012 at 9:56 am
*sniff* It’s… It’s so beautiful… *single tear*
April 19, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Ahhh, … but that lone single tear is full of GLITTER!!!
April 19, 2012 at 9:58 am
The guy in the office next to me came over to ask what was so funny. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m insane.
CF4L
April 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I shared with my officemates because I couldn’t keep this to myself.
April 19, 2012 at 9:59 am
Holy fucking shit, April is truly a genius, I could never verbalize it.
“I felt that special tingle I get whenever poor judgment is in the air.”
That is the exact sensation preceding 90% of my stitches & broken bones, and more than 50% of my vehicle crashes.
The more you know!
April 19, 2012 at 10:04 am
Nothing says ” I honor your life” like hanging someone’s ball on the Christmas tree!
April 19, 2012 at 10:12 am
I was supremely relieved to see the “cf4l” tag.
April 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Actually, I wished it was for real. However, who has THAT bad of judgement? Wait… I take it back.
April 19, 2012 at 10:13 am
Absolutely brilliant, and flawlessly executed.
Dick’s balls really choked me up.
April 19, 2012 at 10:15 am
“His balls have dropped for the last time…”
“We chose blue to fill the balls…”
“Hold these balls in your hand and feel Dick…”
“Place these balls upon the tree of wood…”
April 19, 2012 at 10:17 am
I’m just sorry they aren’t on Ebay, I would love to watch the price rise and rise.
April 19, 2012 at 10:21 am
Dick Clark’s balls would look so great straddling the branch of a tree. A true “Woodie” with blue balls to beat..a testament to his never being able to drop his balls again! (pool too cold)? AND, I was surprised we had to wait THIS long for the tragicrafting to begin.
April 19, 2012 at 10:28 am
The genius of Fat Jealous Losers never ceases to impress me.
Maybe it’s all that xanax.
April 19, 2012 at 10:28 am
wow I missed the cf4l in the tags when I read it first. I feel like such a fat, jealous loser…
April 19, 2012 at 10:30 am
There’s more Regretsy bait in their shop, check out
http://www.etsy.com/listing/96511187/mossy-garden-rock-ooak-sculptural-decor
A rock, probably from somebody’s driveway:
…………………………
A found object sculpture, every bit a part of nature as nature itself. Wrest from mother earth and held in wonder at the beauty of its creation. Millions of years in the making, compressed layers of earth and time. Breathtaking beauty, a reminder that we all return to the earth.
April 19, 2012 at 10:46 am
I think the shop is just being ironic.
April 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm
It’s not Regretsy bait, it’s Etsy FP hipster bait. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be “cf4l” in the tags.
April 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Oh God, I want some cupcake to put this in a serious treasury which ends up on the front page SO BADLY.
April 19, 2012 at 10:37 am
Is it just me or does “le papier de toile” sound like “toilet paper”?
April 19, 2012 at 10:45 am
OK, which one of you FJLs opened this shop??? FESS UP NOW!
April 19, 2012 at 11:22 am
A ghostly voice from beyond the veil is saying “check the forums…”
April 19, 2012 at 11:38 am
DICK IS THAT YOU?? DICK CAN YOU HEAR ME?? HEY DICK!!
April 19, 2012 at 10:52 am
Holy. Fucking. Shit. I am in love. That was brilliant!
April 19, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Dick Clark dying really sucks…
April 19, 2012 at 10:57 am
I can’t wait for my mother to get these
April 19, 2012 at 11:08 am
Of course, now we need Barnabas Collins tragicrafting, as Jonathan Frid just passed away as well….
April 19, 2012 at 11:22 am
I think the new movie will be tragic enough.
April 19, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Alas, you may be right…
April 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm
He’s dead?? I didn’t hear that. In truth, when I heard he was doing a live appearance last yea, my first thought was, “Wait, he’s still alive? I was sure I’d read his obit a few years ago!”
Oh, bummer, I had such a crush on Barnabas when I was little, naive, really innocent little girl…
I’ll be in my bunk, crying a little.
April 19, 2012 at 2:42 pm
My mother would scare the shit out of me with that show, but I came around and had a crush on that guy too! Shit Mugs, we have so much in common…wish I could make it in May. Damn!!
April 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm
I know! It’s great that we do, but not great that we live so far apart! I wish you could be here for the meetup, too!! I’ll get a camera and take lots of photos–promise!
April 19, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Oh God yes…me wanna see pics…everyone knows what I look like…I want to see everyone…we should have a yearbook or something!!
April 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Just read Levon Helm of The Band has also “joined the choir invisible”.
April 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm
I thought we had a celebrities-die-in-threes situation, but now I’m not sure what amount of time is allowed for a “combo.”
Frid died last Friday…the 13th…but his family released the news only today. Guess they didn’t want any jokes. I am sad.
Also shocked that he filmed a cameo for the movie. I was sure he’d be disgusted with it, as most “originals” usually are.
April 19, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Another hugely hung rocker gone. -sigh-. my fantasies are fading…
April 19, 2012 at 11:13 am
Alright, which one of of Fat Jealous Losers now has blue balls? It’s been sold! *creys*
April 19, 2012 at 11:16 am
sometimes I wonder if these people just make a bunch of “memorial” memorabilia for people they assume will die soon.
April 19, 2012 at 11:19 am
oh I’m such a fjl it took me forever to figure it out. derp.
April 19, 2012 at 11:30 am
The problem is finding someone old enough to be likely to fall over but people have still heard of him.
When Carl Reiner dies, will people remember him as a comedy legend from the days of Sid Caesar and Milton Berle, or as Betty White’s boyfriend on “Hot in Cleveland”?
April 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm
*raises hand*
From “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and “2000 Year Old Man,” not to mention he has a son named Rob and a sister named Penny.
/watched way too much television growing up
April 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Watched so much television that I got Carl Reiner and Garry Marshall mixed up.
/hangs head and slinks away in shame, humming theme to “Dick Van Dyke Show” for which there ARE lyrics, if one goes to the “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” site and look for the Dick Van Dyke appearance, but I’m not worthy to sing the lyrics, so I hum.
April 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm
It’s just a bad dream Mugs…have a walnut or two…then you will see clearly that RR was married to PM.
April 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Oh, Ro-bbb-bbb!
April 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm
OMG, you’re right BGS—Rob Reiner WAS married to Penny Marshall! I completely forgot that.
Nice touch, mentioning the walnuts!
Now I’m thinking about Danny Thomas.
April 19, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Do you do the little swishy noise of Rob missing the ottoman, or the little tinkly noise of Rob tripping over the ottoman?
I think it’s funny that legitimate television web sites refer to Rob Reiner’s character on “All in the Family” as “Meathead” as though that were his character’s real name.
April 19, 2012 at 7:41 pm
Phyllis Diller — one of my all-time favorite crazy people — is 91.
April 19, 2012 at 11:24 am
I like how even the seller can’t seem to take this listing seriously.
April 19, 2012 at 11:28 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Sweetie, darling, check the tags.
April 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm
You posted without reading (a) the other posts, (b) the item’s tags, and (c) the materials list.
As for Kinkade TragiCrafting, that would be redundant.
April 19, 2012 at 11:31 am
20 bucks seems a bit cheap for Dick’s balls, yeah?
April 19, 2012 at 11:44 am
The Old Clock On The Wall Says That’s All Dick Clark Memorial Clock OOAK Vintage Steampunk
April 19, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 19, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Damn – reading to fast…saw that as “The Old Cock On The Wall…”
April 19, 2012 at 11:54 am
Am I the only one thinking those would make great rolling papers? Lick a ring around your L, bitches!
April 19, 2012 at 11:57 am
Ok, wbich one of you ftls did this? I refuse to believe it was a non-regretsian.
April 19, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 19, 2012 at 7:44 pm
You’re that “average sized dick” guy, aren’t you.
April 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm
It all went down in the forums last night. It was glorious.
April 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm
For those who weren’t there or who want to relive the gloriousness. One gem after another (and then some people just poked in to say how especially incredibly funny the other people were).
http://forums.regretsy.com/topic.php?id=24242
April 19, 2012 at 12:01 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCtIHkMuDY8
<3
April 19, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 19, 2012 at 12:19 pm
This is by a friend of mine. I’ve sent her a message to get her butt over here and take proper credit, but I don’t think she’s online right now.
I’m just glad to see her hilarious genius recognized. Brings a glittery tear to my eye.
April 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Oh I heart you so big right now. <3<3
April 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm
This is the happiest day of my life.
April 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm
congrats!!!! I am so excited for you!!
April 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm
*falls to her knees and bows repeatedly* We’re not worthy… we’re not worthy…
April 19, 2012 at 7:46 pm
I’m worthy, and I think PensEnvy is fantabulous!
April 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm
So sad that he’s gone. There goes my dream of his ever co-hosting New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Kirk Douglas.
April 19, 2012 at 1:42 pm
To get the countdown finished on time, you’d have to start around Thanksgiving, no?
*
*ducks behind desk as LPs and 45s are flung like Frisbees
April 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm
And they’d have to rename it New Year’s Strokin’ Eve.
April 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm
And air it on the Playboy Channel.
April 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm
This has got to be on purpose….
I got to “balls dropped for the last time” and about spit out my mouthful of cereal.
April 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm
No. I have it on good authority that this particular seller is 100% sincere.
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April 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm
God FUCKIT. Twice. Twice I fuck up my own joke. *sigh*
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April 19, 2012 at 2:41 pm
No. I have it on good authority that this particular seller is 100% sincere.
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April 19, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Aaaugh! You lied to me, preview mode!
Now I have to reformat the whole thing again. Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck. If this weren’t for a good cause…
April 19, 2012 at 2:48 pm
(And there should really be a delete button on these, but I’m going to bet it’s not there so that when people flounce they can’t take it back…)
April 19, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Oh, but when people flounce, they don’t WANT to take it back. They want everybody to read their righteous indignation. Some even bring two-page written statements to membership meetings and read them aloud to the membership and include the phrase “I didn’t know what my decision would be until I walked in the room tonight,” even though the flounce was already written and printed and a big Rubbermaid storage tote of club materials were sent ahead to the meeting.
Sorry. That’s not Regretsy. Just remembering a flounce I witnessed in person. I would have laughed if it didn’t cause a good friend of mine a lot of aggravation.
/end of meaningless-to-anyone-else rant
April 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm
I’ve suffered a few flounces like that… can you tragicraft a famous flounce?
April 19, 2012 at 7:38 pm
That’s… impressive.
(That degree of it is also called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In case of curious.)
April 19, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 19, 2012 at 3:08 pm
You could have TragiCrafting waiting to be posted!
Richard Belzer would be really sorry he’d miss this. The only chance he’d ever have to have two balls again.
April 19, 2012 at 7:50 pm
I bought a box of a dozen of those balls after Christmas, at CVS, for 99¢. Finally, I think I have a use for them.
April 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm
There’s NO WAY those balls are big enough to be Dick’s.
April 19, 2012 at 6:09 pm
You know what? These are actually pretty cool looking. Way to go, my fat jealous loser kin.
April 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm
This is so fantastic. Just the right amount of snark not to draw the attention of the cupcake fairies. I’m sad they sold, I want them. I want Dick Clark’s balls!
April 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm
April 25, 2012 at 11:53 pm
My mom got the balls today and she just sent me this: “Love my new balls! They’ve kept me giggling all night every time I think about them!” They’ll be on the Christmas tree when the time comes and will go great with the nyan dog and drunk gingerbread man ornaments!