Easter Mourning
- This post first appeared on Regretsy on June 21, 2011
Can’t you just see little Carol’s face on that Easter morning so long ago? I can picture her beaming parents, watching as she popped open the plastic egg and found a dead rotting chicken inside. And as she ran screaming to her bedroom, they sat down and ate all her candy. It was the best Easter ever.
April 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm
Wait, that’s a duckling. I want my money back! I paid for a rotting CHICKEN!!!
April 6, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Yuckling.
April 6, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Nothing says Happy Easter like a dead duckling!
April 7, 2012 at 6:46 am
It’s just a metaphor. Be happy it wasn’t a dead preserved savior instead.
April 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm
At least they wrote her name nicely in swirley blue writing. That was kind. Sort of.
(I really have to wonder how much therapy she had to have afterwards)
April 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm
This is Quacktastic!
April 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm
And for Christmas, is she going to ask for a pony now, or has she learned a lesson?
April 6, 2012 at 5:11 pm
God help her if she tells her parents how much she’d like a baby brother.
April 6, 2012 at 9:40 pm
Reminds me of the Family Guy episode when Peter realizes you have to feed a pony…oops.
April 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Kind of like that scene in the Godfather. ^_^
April 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm
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April 6, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Nevermind. Just saw the originally posted line. Down thumbs away!
April 6, 2012 at 6:17 pm
S’okay. I missed this one altogether last year, so I thought it was new!
April 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm
what if it came back to life?! what if it was a JESUS CHICKEN?!!
or maybe just a zombie chicken?
April 6, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Maybe the egg was the final resting place for someone’s pet duckling named Carol. I can’t wait to see it turn zombie and eat this sellers brains for disturbing its rest!
April 6, 2012 at 6:33 pm
This idea, (egg as final resting place for already dead animal,)is the least horrifying explanation I can conjure up. Maybe the cat killed it, and the kiddo buried it.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, egg to…festive plastic Easter egg. It’s the circle of life, and all.
I do wonder about the person who thought this poor mangled creature should be put up for sale, though.
April 6, 2012 at 4:43 pm
I hate Easter Mourning. I was eleven and my pet mouse died. She choked to death on a noodle.
April 6, 2012 at 4:45 pm
April 6, 2012 at 4:47 pm
…and that’s the story of Jesus.
April 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Why, this reminds me of an easter long ago, when I was just a lass.
My sister and I fanned out throughout the house, eager to find our hidden gifts. I ran downstairs to my parents room, certain there must be something- but nothing! I searched high and low, then, buried deep within my father’s sock drawer I found a cardboard box. A present!!
I grabbed it and ran back to the living room with my treasure!
“I found one, mom! Why didn’t you wrap it?”
My mother took one look at the package and began to laugh. My father, too, couldn’t contain his mirth and when mom finally composed herself she snatched the package from my little hands.
“That is not a present! That’s your grandfather’s ashes!”
I don’t really celebrate Easter anymore.
April 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm
I have the exact same story except replace the dead grandfather with my mother’s diaphragm.
April 6, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Good times.
April 6, 2012 at 4:56 pm
I can’t help but think these rocket scientists of parenting either sealed the chick in that stupid egg, suffocating it slowly in Carol’s basket over night. (Perhaps they then tried frantically to assure Carol the chick would be up and at ‘em three days later.) Alternately, they hid this fucking egg with the suffocating chick in it and Carol, hemophiliac heiress to a long-standing siblings breeding program, never found it.
Either way, what a distinctive update on the concept of dying eggs for Easter. Perhaps someone should have mentioned dyeing eggs is a bit more traditional, though.
April 6, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Damn. Ignore that ‘either’ in the first sentence. It’s an artifact from realizing I’d basically written the entire comment as an epic run-on.
April 6, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Oddly I keep envisioning Carol opening the egg to find a happy living baby duckling (that her parents put in only moments ago) and then later she stuffs it back in the egg and hides it from her parents.
April 6, 2012 at 5:09 pm
I did just have the idea that perhaps the family was particularly religious, and the dead chick in the egg was intended to inspire a sudden shout of ‘OH JESUS CHRIST’. That certainly would have been where my response to this began.
April 6, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Don’t underestimate the power of stupid. I worked in pet stores for 20 years and the idiocy of the general public never ceased to amaze me. Just a couple of examples:
1)Customer buys a hamster for their kid for xmas, but buys it a week before and wants to keep it a surprise. Much to their amazement, it didn’t survive in the airtight Coleman cooler with a bowl of food and water for 3 days. They wanted a replacement.
2)Customer buys 4 firebelly toads. I put them in a bag with a wet paper towel and tell them to get the toads home ASAP because it is the hottest day of the summer on record for over 20 some-odd years. They come back 6 hours later with a bag full of dead toads (not pretty when they’ve basically been pressure cooked). Why might you ask? The moron decided to go shopping and left the toads in the glove compartment. They wanted replacements.
I’ve got a million of them.
April 6, 2012 at 5:33 pm
There are not enough walls in the world to smash my head through after reading these stories.
April 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm
These stories make me so angry! Honestly if I let myself dwell on the suffering that goes on at the hands of ignorant asshole humans I would probably die of despair.
April 6, 2012 at 5:49 pm
I’m always so glad I don’t work in a pet store. At least the stupid shit my customers do mostly only hurts themselves.
When I got Swarles the Snake, I cradled his little box all the way home. I even made the boys turn up the heat in the car (to about the temp of the store) so he wouldn’t get too cold.
April 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm
I know. Poor duckling. When I got my three hens as day old chicks, I could have had them mailed to me, but that doesn’t always end well for the chicks, so I drove 4 hours round trip to pick them up from the hatchery. On the ride home I jacked the heat up so high that I had to strip down to a tank top, but I figured that was the best thing for chicks who are supposed to be kept under a warming light for the first couple weeks of life. Somehow I doubt this duckling got similar consideration.
April 6, 2012 at 8:42 pm
I carried my hermit crab in my hand, inside my glove, to keep it warm – it worked!
April 7, 2012 at 10:28 am
I put my new fish and the plant that were in two separate bags and put them in an empty McDonald’s bag and held it firmly until got home. An hour drive. I thought that they would be terrified seeing everything move around them so much, so I thought putting basically a blinder around them until we got home was a better idea. We kept the car warm and they were fine.
April 7, 2012 at 11:48 am
Whenever I got a hamster, it was transported in a cardboard box I held in my lap with bedding from the old cage and a gnawing stick inside- dark, warm and smelling of home…
April 6, 2012 at 8:35 pm
How do you handle cases like that? Do you report the people for neglecting/killing the animals?
April 6, 2012 at 8:56 pm
Well, small animals aren’t really alive, so it doesn’t matter that they die in horrific ways and are totally replaceable.
*epic eye roll*
April 6, 2012 at 5:00 pm
I read this originally as “chick’s feet and bottom of feet have tears” [pronounced "teerz," not "tares"] … the chick was crying even as it decomposed.
April 6, 2012 at 6:02 pm
I think those were Carol’s tears. Tears for a tortured animal, and tears for dumbass parents, and tears for stupid Easter. Carol’s tears eventually flooded the world and some jerkoff made a big boat and put all the animals on it except dinosaurs.
Ah, Carol’s tears. She killed the unicorns.
April 6, 2012 at 11:36 pm
But at least Carol cried for the dead bird.
April 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm
April 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm
April 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm
“Thanks. I wanted a Chocolate Bunny.”
April 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm
April 6, 2012 at 5:16 pm
It reminds of when we went to Denny’s after Easter mass.
April 6, 2012 at 5:29 pm
“Carol never wore her safety goggles. Now she won’t have to spend the next 50 years in therapy.”
April 6, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Why does no one ever cry for the dead bird?
April 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm
Carol likely cried for this dead bird!
April 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Or barfed, whatever.
April 6, 2012 at 5:48 pm
My name is Carol and this scares the heck out of me. I will likely have nightmares tonight
April 6, 2012 at 6:51 pm
But isn’t it nice to know somebody thought of you?
April 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm
I always wanted a dried out duckling for Easter, but all I ever got was three and a half hours of Armenian church.
April 6, 2012 at 6:10 pm
This shit is hilarious! Great stories, we should tell them more often.
April 6, 2012 at 6:35 pm
I suck at photoshop.
April 6, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Allan, Allan, Allan, Allan! Steve!
April 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm
I always hated getting Steve’d when I was hatchli–erm–kid.
April 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm
I love how the sidebar ads are for cooking chicken.
April 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm
tell me now where exactly did you get this ??
April 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm
That’s just nasty…
April 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm
What really bothers me is that the eye is missing. Did Carol really play with this thing enough that the eye fell out? Or is this bad presevation and one day you can look forward to sitting there on the couch, innocently eating your Cheerios, and suddenly noticing that there’s something in the bowl that definitely does not belong?
April 6, 2012 at 8:36 pm
April 6, 2012 at 8:44 pm
So wrong – and so funny!
April 6, 2012 at 8:45 pm
So here’s what gets me – WHY was this duckling kept? It’s clearly not taxidermied, or posed in any cute way, or anything like that.
April 6, 2012 at 8:58 pm
This is so disturbingly ugly. I’m having difficulties even looking at it.
April 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm
I would buy it just to play Easter Egg Roulette with my kids. And that is why their college tuition money will likely all be spent on therapy and/or supervised living.
April 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm
‘And that’s what you always poke some air holes.’
April 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm
Reminded me of the time my family had our annual Easter egg hunt on a camping trip on an island, in a river of Florida. My older, male cousins snuck out of the camp, followed the two aunts hiding the eggs, took out the candy from the plastic ones & replaced it with fiddler crabs, spiders, mud & dead minnows.
April 6, 2012 at 11:24 pm
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April 7, 2012 at 12:27 am
Dead fowl in a plastic egg
Sealed in there real tight
Left in Carol’s Easter basket
Waits for her all night
Next morning Carol screams
Looks like she’s outta luck. She got
Rotwing Duck!
(If your kid is troubled it’s probably cause of you)
Rotwing Duck!
(Let’s make Carol sick)
Rotwing Duck!
April 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Biggest lols of the day…thank you sir.
April 7, 2012 at 7:11 am
I don’t have a funny Easter story, but I have a funny dead duckling story! When I was little, my grandparents kept ducks, and one baby duck was separated for some reason. So I played with him and grew attached and we left him in a cardboard box with food and water and then we went to an amusement park, and when we came back I ran straight to the box to see my little duck friend. He was lying on his side for some reason, so I poked him. Then I ran away screaming because he was dead.
Okay, that wasn’t “funny” so much as “heartbreaking” though it was less horrifying than that time I noticed a dead lamb at the bottom of a trash can.
April 7, 2012 at 3:21 pm
My brother had a baby duckling and my sister accidentally squished it underfoot while she was running one day. We looked on tearfully as he writhed in pain for a good 30 seconds before he finally expired.
Dead lamb huh? Don’t see that every day.
Suddenly I feel depressed.
April 7, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Oh god that’s so sad! Poor duck. Reminds me of the time I was walking up to my grandparents’ door and there were slimy baby birds on the cement path, twitching. I guess they fell out of their tree.
Think that’s enough dead baby animal stories…
April 8, 2012 at 5:37 am
Hehehe. Happy Easter.
April 7, 2012 at 8:32 am
I was reminded of this….
April 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Man, kids are so spoiled today.
Today they get animatronic chicks that peep when they sit in their palm.
70 years ago they played with desiccated dead animals on holy days AND LIKED IT.
April 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm
They could have just gave the kid some marshmallow peeps. Way less death.
April 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm
It’s all fun until someone loses an eye.
April 7, 2012 at 4:56 pm
That is the most fucked up Pokemon EVER.
April 7, 2012 at 5:56 pm
If it’s of any small consolation, it was probably dead when it was put in the egg. Eyes are usually the first thing to rot, and the duckling still has one (that still looks like an eye).
It’s still fucking creepy.
April 8, 2012 at 5:46 am
Oh, jesus christ. You’re right. That duckling wasn’t a gift for Carol. Its name was Carol and that egg was to be its final resting spot. No wonder this seller is trying to get rid of it: she’s being plagued by the Mallard’s Curse. If she doesn’t transfer ownership, her goose is cooked.
April 8, 2012 at 8:44 pm
Balut gone wrong perhaps?
*look it up if you have a strong stomach…
April 11, 2012 at 2:58 pm
HEY GUESS WHAT I FOUND HIS OTHER EYE!