AMAZEBALLS: Crapestry
“If you have ever graffitied a penis onto a magazine in a dentist’s waiting room, shot delicate ceramic ornaments with a rifle, or thought something was desperately sad when everyone else thought it was harmlessly funny (or the other way around), then you will likely enjoy having a look at my work. You will hopefully even want to own some. If not; you should probably move on.”
- Theo Humphries, creator of Crapestry
- See all the Crapestry here
- To buy a Crapestry, inquire here
April 4, 2012 at 6:56 pm
I am in love with that picturesque nuclear explosion.
April 4, 2012 at 7:16 pm
And that added detail of the horse lifting its head. Inspired.
April 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm
YES!!!!
April 5, 2012 at 11:55 pm
Indeed. It almost makes me wish the original design were on the back of the pillow, so you could look at it all quaint-like and stuff, then turn it over to where the mushroom is spreading and the horse is all “WTF?”. Like a really fluffy, two-page flip book.
April 4, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Definitely my favorite!!!
April 4, 2012 at 7:50 pm
It’s WONDERFUL. And is it just me or does the horse look startled. I have to find out how much these are, and if I can afford the puppy with a dildo
April 4, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Also I just realized it’s a cow…
April 4, 2012 at 8:09 pm
Yeah, the horse is looking at the explosion. Nice touch.
April 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm
I dunno, it’s good, but how often can you lay your head on something with a cowboy riding a dolphin? Without it being drug induced.
April 4, 2012 at 10:29 pm
Every night!
It’s called vodka
D
April 4, 2012 at 10:30 pm
that was meant to be a
smiley – damn you auto-smilies!
April 4, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Oh man, that’s a close second for me. My fave has to be the husky (I own one) that’s reading “The Art of War”. The details, they slay me!
April 5, 2012 at 5:08 am
The others I found funny. That one, the mouth dropped open. Brilliant.
April 4, 2012 at 6:56 pm
OMG! Best.Stuff.Ever
April 4, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Shit, there goes my paycheck. Well at least I’ve solved my guest room decorating dilemma!
April 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm
If you play your cards right, you can eliminate people’s desire for long stays in your guestroom. Thanks Crapestry!
April 4, 2012 at 6:57 pm
I bow in awe of the genius of Theo Humphries. I’ll have one of each, please.
April 4, 2012 at 6:58 pm
Not Mommy’s favorite dildo!!
April 4, 2012 at 6:58 pm
I am a little disturbed with myself over how much I like the polar bear one. And then I remember that I like blood and mayhem and it’s all better.
April 4, 2012 at 7:16 pm
He looks so happy!
April 4, 2012 at 7:48 pm
I know. That’s why I love it so much.
April 4, 2012 at 8:13 pm
I think that’s what it is. Now if it could be a polar bear raping a bottle of Coca Cola, I’d be all over that.
April 4, 2012 at 6:59 pm
That is…amazing. Well played, good sir. Well played.
April 4, 2012 at 7:01 pm
OMG, that is so fucked up it’s brilliant!
April 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm
:O /holds up boombox
“I’M SO OUT OF LOVE, I’M SO LOST WITHOUT YOUUUUU.”
April 6, 2012 at 6:40 am
Shouldn’t that be “IN YOOOUR EYES/ THE LIGHT, THE HEAT”?
(Specifically, the adorable, murderous polar bear’s eyes.)
April 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm
I enjoyed this a great deal.
April 4, 2012 at 7:04 pm
It’s so good!
April 5, 2012 at 5:14 am
Can I use this sentence on a book jacket? It just screams review to me.
April 5, 2012 at 10:06 pm
Better than being limited to “unique” and “lovely!”
April 4, 2012 at 7:03 pm
I’ll definitely be sharing these with my fiber arts students tomorrow. Gotta give them examples of quality fuckery to inspire their projects.
April 5, 2012 at 8:29 am
That’s wonderful! They need to open their minds (I will NOT use that trite “outside the box”). Don’t let them go with the usual, run-of-the-mill designs, push them to think beyoond…to the runover-kills-in-the-road.
April 4, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Alright. Out yourself. Which one of you fat jealous losers is this?
April 4, 2012 at 7:04 pm
4th one down, I just about peed my pants. That is something I may have to own.
April 4, 2012 at 7:04 pm
…Of all the times to be broke.
April 4, 2012 at 7:05 pm
These would be even more fantastic if they were reversible, with the original on one side and the Crapestry on the other. Then
I wouldone could APPEAR to fit into polite society. Also, it would surprise nosy people who rearrange the pillows unasked.April 5, 2012 at 5:41 am
I’m with you on this because as I was reading the paragraph at the top of the page the hairs on my neck stood up and I felt as if I’ve been being watched. I’ve never left a waiting room without drawing something inappropriate in their magazines. I don’t hunt at all and only own a rifle to have fun shooting tchotchke and bric-a-brac, and my long history of loved and hated interweb comments shows that what I think is sad or funny has a 50/50 shot at being the opposite of what everyone else thinks it is. As it is, I ask myself “How can I decorate my home accordingly yet still have my co-workers over for dinner without losing my job or being burned for heresy? You, my friend, have just voiced the needs of my particular niche. Thank you!
April 5, 2012 at 8:33 am
Brilliant idea, Upchuck Norris!!
April 4, 2012 at 7:06 pm
I need every one of these.
April 4, 2012 at 7:07 pm
The Kingfishers diptych made my fucking day.
April 4, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Oh god they’re so fucking good!!! I love this little penguin!
http://crapestry.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/fuckingfreezing.jpg?w=420&h=418
April 5, 2012 at 7:03 pm
That was one of my absolute favorite. SO PERFECT.
April 4, 2012 at 7:08 pm
I WANT TO BUY ALL THE THINGS!
April 4, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I want all of them!
Especially number all of them!
April 4, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I like to think I’m pretty talented craft-wise. Then you post something like this. I might as well be making mittens out of pubic hair. This is so freaking creative and amazing!
April 4, 2012 at 11:21 pm
Wow…that’s an image I DID NOT NEED. I can practically feel the pubes on my hands…
…I need to go scrub my skin off now.
April 5, 2012 at 5:15 am
I actually think there is a market for those mittens.
April 4, 2012 at 7:11 pm
If only he were selling the pattern, not the work. My husband and I are in love with the dead baby penguin on the website. And that polar bear cup just gets me… right here. *sniff*
April 4, 2012 at 7:14 pm
That was such a great fucking post, I had to go have a cigarette. Fuck the presidency, Helen Killer for Ombudsman of the Universe.
April 4, 2012 at 7:14 pm
The seal pup is so subtle. Love it!
http://crapestry.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/img_7816.jpg
April 5, 2012 at 6:18 am
That’s my favorite, too, and the caption: “Cute things feel nice: which is why people take their skin.”
April 4, 2012 at 7:15 pm
It is a Crapvesty of Justice that this artist isn’t already so stinking rich off this stuff he’s in the 0.1%
April 4, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Cute puppy!
April 4, 2012 at 7:15 pm
The gunslinger riding the dolphin reminds me of Sparks McGee.
April 5, 2012 at 6:28 am
Reminds me of the drawing Saturday Nut Job made me one time when I needed cheering up. Lemme see if I can find it…
And now she has a Fiverr!
April 4, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Holy shit! My boyfriend and I were at Hobby Lobby tonight lookibg at those loom eugs, and he kept picking up kits and saying “make this, but make the puppy eating him.” and “make this,but make him laying on the ground and looking up her skirt.” Its like he was predicting this post!
April 4, 2012 at 7:32 pm
This. is. ART!
April 4, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Oh my god… I NEED the puppy one. How do we buy these?
April 5, 2012 at 8:31 am
Go to the link. He asks that interested buyers e-mail him. They’re not cheap, but quality never is!
April 4, 2012 at 7:34 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 4, 2012 at 7:56 pm
Well, if you insist.
April 4, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Honey, honey get the camera! Look at that beautiful kingfishOHMYGOD!
April 6, 2012 at 12:33 am
I want that photo framed like an Audubon print, with that comment beneath it in those tiny, official-like italics where the Latin name should be.
April 4, 2012 at 8:27 pm
I see your snark and raise you the Skullcrusher Stitch with Border….to quote…*I thought it looked pretty good as it was, so I was going to be lazy and just leave it that way but Mr X Stitch wouldn’t let me. What a jerk, always pushing me to make the best things I possibly can and stuff. Sheesh.*
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beefranck/4931621313/in/set-72157607955769730/
April 4, 2012 at 9:04 pm
i cant see why push the motherfucking boulder up the cocksucking hill is so much better, even if it is made in a daintier fashion.
actually, the reason i even checked is cos i ordinarily would agree w/ you. i burn out on this kind of stuff sometimes. but on both of them. in fact, cos his is funnier, i would tend to find hers, which is so preciouspretentious–something that deserves to be a word, just as if it were in german or russian–anyway, i find her self-congratulatory twee hipster anti-tweeness even a bit more annoying. if you will.
besides, he made this, which i really like:
April 4, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Why do kingfishers keep showing up in this thread.
Ah. I see now…
Still, this is 2 (or three, if you count both of those in the crossstitching) more kingfishers than I have ever seen on Regretsy before.
April 4, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Took me a while to notice the, ahem, details…
That’s what I meant when I said “I see now.”
April 4, 2012 at 9:09 pm
woah, woah, woah. back the fuck up. No one talks about Flight of the Conchords like that.
April 5, 2012 at 2:55 am
I don’t actively hate them, and I think I may have chuckled at the first bit of thiers I heard, but I find Flight of the Conchords about as funny as Mo Rocca (which means not at all).
April 5, 2012 at 5:08 am
I’ll be honest – I reserve that sort of scorn for Damien Hirst. If there’s anyone I’d like to punch in the face for making edgy art, it’s him.
April 5, 2012 at 6:17 am
Yes. I really wouldn’t mind helping you punch Damien Hirst in the face. And I’m usually extremely nice and don’t actively dislike anyone.
April 5, 2012 at 9:26 am
Your screen name reminded me I have some knitting to finish this weekend.
April 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm
he doesnt make edgy art.
he makes a very cynical pastiche/appropriation/whichever postmodern word you want of edgy art for either people w/ a lot of money who dont know better or people who think they will be uncool if they do not like damien hirst & his edgy edgy art. all of which, i imagine, he knows but, for heavens sake, why would he change. particularly after selling a mock-up medicine cabinet for, i think, fourteen million US [$14,000,000].
April 5, 2012 at 10:11 pm
Damien Hirst really makes you appreciate Jeff Koons. I mean, he’ll do a thirty foot tall mylar baloon animal, but it’s really polished aluminum, and that took a LOT of work.
April 5, 2012 at 7:03 pm
Gee, I kinda like him. But I’m not thumbing you down for feeling so passionate about this.
April 4, 2012 at 7:37 pm
I like the puppy with the dildo. I’d love to just casually have that pillow sitting on my couch when my mother in law comes over.
April 4, 2012 at 7:51 pm
I want the puppy, too.
April 4, 2012 at 7:39 pm
I need these.
April 4, 2012 at 7:43 pm
WHERE IS MY CREDIT CARD?!
April 4, 2012 at 7:50 pm
Shut up and take my money!
April 4, 2012 at 8:15 pm
I totally have a picture of my Jack Russell carrying a dildo in her teeth like a bone, this makes me miss her so much. Does he customize the designs?
April 4, 2012 at 8:33 pm
Who’s dildo was it? Did the people at Sears/Petco have one on hand, just in case? If not, and you supplied your own, was a cheap dollar store dildo, in case it got chewed?
April 5, 2012 at 7:13 am
The Dollar Store sells cheap dildos? (searches couch cushions…)
April 4, 2012 at 8:16 pm
I FUCKING HAVE TO HAVE THE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION ONE!!!
April 4, 2012 at 8:20 pm
As soon as I saw the puppy, I knew what was going to happen. Thanks, Helen. I’ve found my husband’s 40th birthday present!
April 4, 2012 at 8:30 pm
I would fill my house with these, if I didn’t mind alienating my wife and children. And at my advanced age, I can’t afford that.
April 4, 2012 at 8:38 pm
LOVE the polar bear cup. MUST HAVE!
April 4, 2012 at 8:43 pm
OH MY GOD. I love this. The whole ‘Polar’ series had me howling.
April 4, 2012 at 8:56 pm
I thought the first one was reading your book, April!
April 5, 2012 at 8:42 am
It’s a shame he didn’t stitch a book title on the cover.
April 5, 2012 at 10:57 am
I think those characters on the book are supposed to read “The Art of War”.
April 4, 2012 at 9:08 pm
I want the entire Smoking Dogs Collection – they are fucking brilliant!!!!
April 4, 2012 at 9:18 pm
The chick with the roast chicken made me smile.
& want roast chicken…..
April 4, 2012 at 9:27 pm
If I ran the National Endowment for the Arts, this man would have all the money! ALL of it!
April 4, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Did anybody else notice that it was in FINLAND that he got his original inspiration to do this? Hmmmm……
In 2006 I was fortunate enough to visit ARS 06 (“Sense of the Real”) at Kiasma Museum of Contemporary Art, in Helsinki, Finland. This outstanding exhibition featured work by Kent Henricksen from his ‘Timeless Pleasures’ series. Henricksen took canvas tapestries that appeared to be quite old, and stitched ‘googly’ eyes and pointed hats onto the depicted characters. Having dabbled with tapestry in the past (aged 6), I immediately connected with this work, and was inspired to create some augmented tapestries of my own.
April 4, 2012 at 10:41 pm
Those are just fucking fantastic. Sadly, the South African rand to pound is like 12 to 1 and one of those inspirational fuckeries is the equivalent of my rent. I may have to take up crapestry asap.
April 5, 2012 at 8:23 am
You’re in luck; he actually explains his technique on his website. If you’re reasonably tech savvy (i.e. can take digital pictures of things and manipulate and combine them on a computer), you just might have yourself a new hobby.
April 4, 2012 at 10:57 pm
totally had that last one happen to me
April 4, 2012 at 11:34 pm
You totally get an internet point for admitting this.
April 4, 2012 at 11:22 pm
My life will no longer be complete without Sunset Barn and Puppy With Found Object in it.
April 4, 2012 at 11:57 pm
I want them as pillow cases! Whole sofa filled with them!
April 5, 2012 at 12:05 am
I read that as filled with soda – like you were gonna smack the shit outta someone with a bloody baby polar bear pillowcase o’ cans!
April 5, 2012 at 12:01 am
He did one of my dog! Nobody EVER does anything cool with Japanese Chins. I want so bad it hurts. Do I really need to buy groceries or put gas in my car this month?
April 5, 2012 at 1:11 am
Naughty Mr. Fusspot, playing with one of Mr. Lavish’s toys. Now go give it to Sgt. Angua, I think she’d like a gift.
April 5, 2012 at 8:45 am
She and Carrot on the outs again?
April 5, 2012 at 2:53 am
That last one really hit home. I had a few people over for drinks and our dog strolled into the room, and to my horror, dropped my vibrator at one of the guests feet. Luckily half the people there had also dropped acid and thought it was a hallucination.
April 5, 2012 at 3:01 am
I think you’ve just introduced me to my second husband, HK. If he’ll have me, that is. And if he’ll wait for the first husband to kick off… which can be arranged…
April 5, 2012 at 3:39 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 5, 2012 at 5:56 am
I want one of a dog with a used maxi pad in its mouth instead of a dildo. My mom used pads, and I would often come home to find used pads, pulled from the garbage, torn apart, and strewn around the living room, and two very nervous wheaten terriers whistling in the corner.
Awww…tapestries always bring back the best childhood memories!
April 5, 2012 at 5:58 am
the fuckery is strong with this one!
April 5, 2012 at 6:18 am
Doggy with a dildo? I want! Hooray for payday tomorrow!
April 5, 2012 at 7:47 am
Am I the only one who thought it was a monkey riding the dolphin?
April 5, 2012 at 8:08 am
I love the dog/dildo one-that is like a scene from my house in the morning! Really comforting.
April 5, 2012 at 8:40 am
“Uncle Bear” is one of those that makes you laugh and then makes you feel a bit guilty for laughing. A bit.
http://crapestry.wordpress.com/guerillas-in-the-misc-collection/
April 5, 2012 at 9:44 am
I want the dolphin one!
April 5, 2012 at 10:27 am
I think I’m in love.
April 6, 2012 at 9:21 am
I love the one of the dog with the dildo so much. The dog just looks so innocent carrying around that sex toy from god knows where.
April 24, 2012 at 2:48 pm
Alas, someone has broken into my ex mother in law’s house and stolen all of her decorations. I would tell her but she’s not my biggest fan. I can only hope the wolf plates are still ok.