Christ in a Bottle
If I could put Christ in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to put a few nails up for sale in a pail with some kale
Just to sell them to you
155 comments on Christ in a Bottle
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April 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm
First everyone was finding him in prison. Now he’s available in your grocer’s refrigerated section. This guy gets around.
April 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm
Such a nice gift for my pastor. I shall include a card that says “HA HA!”
April 3, 2012 at 7:15 am
April 3, 2012 at 7:57 am
This would be WAY better if it was a picture of Chris Hemsworth in his Thor costume.
April 3, 2012 at 8:07 am
drooooooooooool
April 3, 2012 at 9:46 am
Mmmmmmmmmmm-mmmmmm! We Aussies can produce some luscious eye candy, huh?
If it WAS a pic of him in his Thor get-up, I wouldn’t give a rodent’s rectum what as written underneath! LMAO!
(^^but the Christianity one above is awesome! I suffer from over-pious, zealot in-laws *shudders*)
April 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm
Nothing says “He is risen” like a good case of tetnus.
April 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm
I think Shirley disagrees.
April 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm
From the same folks that brought you Christ on a Q-Tip!
April 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Just two nails? Jesus, girl! Don’t leave him hanging!
April 2, 2012 at 4:34 pm
He must have had really tiny wrists, too!
April 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Truly, it reminds me of the old joke: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It takes only one nail to hang the picture.
//preacher’s kid, got a million of them.
April 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Or how about the classic: Why did Christ die on the cross?
He forgot the safeword.
April 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm
LOVE that one!
Got Jesus?
I did once, but a round of antibiotics cleared it right up.
April 2, 2012 at 6:16 pm
A very sad but true story – the first time I heard that joke, I didn’t know what a “safeword” was. So I had to ask. And it was a group of my and my college-age daughter’s friends, and she was there… And I wasn’t nearly as drunk as anyone else…
April 2, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the guy at the front desk a bunch of nails, and says, “Hey, can you put me up for the night?”
April 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Hey now, some guys like to be left hanging for three days at a time. Just not for eternity.
April 2, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Hey, why do all the nuns love Jesus?
*stretches out her arms* Cos he’s hung LIKE THIS!
//preacher’s kid, but I’m recovering
April 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Years and years of piano lessons down the drain…Finally here’s the proof!
April 2, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Did you hear? They don’t let Jesus play hide-and-seek anymore…
*puts her palms flat over her eyes*
He cheats!
April 2, 2012 at 4:35 pm
If/when Jesus comes back, he’s not only going to be all WTF? about his followers wearing symbols of his death, but also stuff like this. When I see WWJD, my only thought it “He’d never stop puking over the shit you do in his name.”
April 2, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Seeing “kale” worked into your description brought me to my happy place. Normally it takes vodka & Xanax to do that.
April 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm
At least it isn’t a Jesus “bowl filler” collection?
April 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm
What? I happen to find the entire “Bowl filler” concept even more annoying than calling two nails in a bottle an “assemblage.”
April 2, 2012 at 5:00 pm
I think people are reading that as “bowel filler” and red-thumbing the comment. Hard to say which I’d find more distasteful, really. Those bowl fillers are pretty hideous.
April 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm
I’m just saying, if Jesus ever did come back, this would not please him. Gee, thanks for reminding me of that time I was horribly tortured! Really fucking wonderful!
April 2, 2012 at 8:31 pm
Right?
“So you guys have been down here all this time focusing on how I died instead of what I was saying when I was alive? For Dad’s sake!”
April 3, 2012 at 8:20 am
And boy is HE going to be kick some serious ass when he meets up with Paul who corrupted His teachings from the Jesus Movement to “Christianity” and was anti-semitic to boot. Not going to be pretty…and I want to watch.
April 3, 2012 at 9:49 am
Christians wear crosses because tomb-stones are way too heavy.
April 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm
and this is why mormons don’t wear crosses or have crosses in their churches.
April 2, 2012 at 4:37 pm
A great gift for your pastor? WHAT?! I want to believe this person is making a joke and really isn’t that stupid…
April 2, 2012 at 8:53 pm
I bet you that pastors, like teachers, get all sorts of lil’ useless crap presents…
April 2, 2012 at 10:06 pm
I would think so. I purposely buy my pastor weird, useless, “religious” crap, like action figures and things. Also the most irreverent cards I can find. He’s pretty non-traditional, though.
April 2, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Does it come with a coupon for a free tetanus shot?
April 2, 2012 at 5:09 pm
So relics come in DIY kits now, huh?
April 2, 2012 at 4:38 pm
This reminds me of the last Easter service I went to (like 8 years ago). The church had a really scary and depressing service, with thunder, and lightening flashes, and at the end, they told you to reach under your seat. There were 6 inch long NAILS! You got to take it home with you to “think about the pain Jesus died in for you!”. wtf. If I’m gonna think about Jesus, I want the peaceful, forgiving dude.
April 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm
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April 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm
My aunt’s church gave out rubber chickens… I’ll be damned if I can remember why….
April 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm
But hey, you got a 6-inch long nail. That would be useful for…um…hanging a very heavy picture?
April 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm
April 2, 2012 at 8:32 pm
That’s Sylvia Browne innit?
April 3, 2012 at 9:00 am
I have no idea. It might be a raptor.
April 3, 2012 at 9:50 am
How the HELL does she wipe her ASS!?? HOW!?!
April 3, 2012 at 10:58 am
Probably has a sponge on a stick. When I had dragon lady nails I couldn’t zip my own pants, and they were only an inch and a half long.
April 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm
And that, my friend, is probably how the band got started.
April 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm
9 Inch Nails…not six. I suck at life today.
April 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm
I don’t mind.
April 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm
I’ve got to start going to church…for the entertainment value.
April 2, 2012 at 9:18 pm
I’m with you there, Stabby. Except for the part about getting up at an ungodly hour.
April 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm
have a look at the tags- she has put it in the ART CATEGORY!!!!!!
why the fuck is this shit allowed to go on?????
April 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm
Art is very subjective. Fill a room in a gallery with helium balloons, call it an “installation,” and listen as people spout all sorts of bullshit about how the balloons represent a soul while the room itself is a body, and it’s obvious that the artist is trying to express the desire of the soul to be free of it’s mortal coil. (Trademark, copyright, and crease and desist on that idea, bitches! That idea was thought of by me personally in my own creativity!)
And then there’s the guy who put a crucifix in a jar of his own urine and called it art. Two nails in a jar isn’t so awful.
April 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Piss Christ was more art than this.
April 2, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Andres Serrano may have finally gotten tired of shouting, “it wasn’t a jar! It was a specially designed vat!”
April 2, 2012 at 9:21 pm
I thot Piss Christ was about drinking urine. Or some other ungodly concoction, like the drippings from a bar mat.
April 2, 2012 at 10:52 pm
In art’s defense, there are plenty of artists who would fill a room with balloons just because it would be fun.
April 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Sorry, I prefer my Christ on a cracker.
April 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm
I prefer mine as a zombie and on a pogo stick.
April 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Sometimes I want mine on crutches, or maybe a unicycle.
April 2, 2012 at 8:32 pm
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt…
http://youtu.be/5A0-u85aAYg
April 3, 2012 at 8:13 am
Maybe with a mullet….
April 2, 2012 at 8:37 pm
The pogo stick zombie is my favorite, too!
If Jesus were a beatnik, he’d look just like that.
April 2, 2012 at 4:46 pm
that makes a terrible curse.
April 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm
What a terrible night to have a curse!
April 2, 2012 at 4:48 pm
I like mine deep fried. Guilty pleasure.
April 2, 2012 at 5:29 pm
My Christ is usually found in a cornfield.
April 2, 2012 at 7:11 pm
In a chicken basket for me.
April 2, 2012 at 7:47 pm
I’ve yelped “Christ on a crutch!” before, when shocked or exasperated, but never “Christ in a bottle!”
April 2, 2012 at 8:18 pm
I like mine smoking in a birch bark canoe.
April 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm
I’m kinda digging how this is called an “assemblage”. Pretty sure the “assemblage” went something like: *lefty loosey* *plink, plink* *righty tighty*
“That’ll be $24, please! Christ be with you!”
April 2, 2012 at 4:41 pm
I think she should have charged 30 silver pieces.
April 2, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Hi. I don’t think I’ve met you yet. I like you already I’m pretty sure.
Also you do awesome work.
April 3, 2012 at 4:33 am
Thank you! Just something I do to keep my hands busy…
April 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm
I’m no expert but wasn’t it 40 pieces of silver?
April 3, 2012 at 8:13 pm
I’ve always heard thirty, but the readings this past Sunday didn’t specify an amount.
April 2, 2012 at 10:54 pm
AGREED! I love crochet bender!
April 3, 2012 at 4:32 am
He did turn out pretty awesome. Thank you!
April 3, 2012 at 6:56 am
Your site has been added to my favorites. I’ve been crocheting for nearly 40 years, and I’m suitably impressed and a little bit humbled. Lovely stuff. (I plan to check out your patterns soon).
April 2, 2012 at 4:40 pm
HK– how do you not pee your pants with laughter when you are typing this shit? I seriously need some Depends today with the Jim Croce song lyrics—bwahaha
April 2, 2012 at 5:27 pm
That is seriously one of my favourite songs of all time.
April 2, 2012 at 7:12 pm
*sigh*
Guess I’ll go out shopping for new chair cushions tomorrow…”kale” caused spontaneous bladder spasms.
April 3, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Easy – she doesn’t WEAR pants when typing this shit!
April 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm
I want to put nails in my kids’ plastic Easter eggs and watch them cry. Think of the joy: “Where’s the Reese’s?”
“Jesus ate them and left you these. You can play with them here on Earth while he flies around and eats your peanut butter and chocolate in Heaven. Shut the fuck up.”
April 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Sounds like a Deep Thought by Jack Handy!
April 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm
I thought Christ was nailed to the cross, Not power driven in with a phillips head screwdriver.
April 2, 2012 at 4:50 pm
The eternal question: screwed, or nailed?
April 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm
I’d go for either right about now. *wink, wink*
April 2, 2012 at 5:33 pm
Ooooh baby! Do you need a personal savior tonight?
April 3, 2012 at 8:16 am
Goddammit now I have that song in my head…
April 2, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I was hoping this would be a drink. Spirits, if you will.
April 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm
I first read kale as sake, and now I’m not sure if I should be disappointed or not…
April 2, 2012 at 4:44 pm
April 2, 2012 at 4:48 pm
I only believe in Jesus Crust.
April 2, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Heretic. You misspelled Cheesus.
April 2, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Jeebus?
April 2, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Cheeses Crust is Risen! Praise the Lord and pass the napkins!
April 3, 2012 at 4:36 am
Ramen!
April 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm
The really sad thing is that the younger half of us FJLs probably won’t get the punchline to HK’s joke.
April 4, 2012 at 8:18 am
The younger half has older relatives. Hopefully they’ve heard it!
April 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm
…and don’t forget your Jewish friends. Just tie a note to the bottle with raffia that says “Thanks for nailing up the Big Guy!”
April 2, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Actually, you need to give it to your Italian friends. The Romans actually nailed Christ up. The Jews did paid off the informer and turned Christ over to Pilot. The nails were pounded in by Roman soldiers, who would definitely have appreciated a jar to store them in. So there’s that.
April 3, 2012 at 8:27 am
I used to work with a non-practicing Jewish woman who was best friends with a non-practicing Catholic woman. Every Good Friday, without fail, the Jew would phone the Catholic. As soon as the Catholic picked up, the Jew would shout, “My people killed your lord and savior. Ha-ha!!!!” and hang up.
Never got old.
I don’t care if the Romans (technically my people, being half Italian) were the ones who killed Jesus (and how uncomfortable that was, since I was raised Catholic). The joke was still funny.
April 8, 2012 at 11:16 pm
I use to call my Japanese high school best friend and wish him a happy pearl harbor day. One year he snuck over to my apt complex and covered what he thought was my car in Japanese meatball flags. Except it was my neighbor’s car.
They figured out that they were not the target because my friend also covered my front door and the staircase handrails with those flags. They stayed up late several nights making them.
My neighbors were very cool about it, but it took them awhile to liberate their car from the scourge of the rising sun. Too bad my Japanese friend couldn’t tell the difference between a festiva and a geo.
April 4, 2012 at 11:24 am
Technically still culpable then…
And “Thanks for handing Jesus over to the Romans so they could nail him up” won’t fit on the gift tag.
April 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm
It was during my 2nd senior year when Mom found Jesus Christ. His
spirit was trapped inside an old manischevitz bottle that Mom picked
out of the dumpster behind the 7-11. Mom brought the bottle inside and
sat it down on top of the TV. Then she told all of us kids to gather
round, and then she explained how Jesus lived in the bottle, and how,
if she wanted to, she could call him out to do her bidding. Sis said it
reminded her of an old TV show, and Mom slapped her and called her a
heretic. I didn’t say anything, cause I just still remember the time
outside the Safeway, when it took 4 security guards to hold Mom down.
April 2, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Wait… 2nd senior year?!?
April 3, 2012 at 6:31 am
Nothing wrong with taking a victory lap…
April 3, 2012 at 7:00 am
Well, if Kitten Tears finished college and has a bachelor’s degree, she had two senior years — one in high school and one in college.
April 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm
I know that when I see a couple of grody old used roofing nails, the first thing I think of is Jesus.
April 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Christ in a bottle is a better title than mine, though Tetanus in a Jug is catchy too.
April 2, 2012 at 5:34 pm
If you wanna be with me
Baby there’s a price to pay
I’m a Jesus in a bottle
You gotta rub me the right way
April 2, 2012 at 5:43 pm
I smell Front Page bait.
April 2, 2012 at 8:58 pm
In time for Easter!
April 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Hey, keep your Jesus of my kale!
…I’ll put my own Jesus on my kale.
April 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm
The ultimate in tragicrafting -AND it comes around once a year!
April 2, 2012 at 5:47 pm
How about Christ in a bottle, in a two for one special with Shit On A Shingle, or Prince Albert In A Can.
April 2, 2012 at 5:51 pm
Christ in a Bottle = my new favorite swear.
April 2, 2012 at 5:51 pm
Are piercing supplies allowed on etsy?
April 2, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Also, these appear to be screws, not nails. I can see the phillips head slots – which are, appropriately, in the shape of a cross.
I’m pretty sure Christ wasn’t power-screwed onto the cross. Then again, perhaps they used the Sacred ScrewDriver Of Golgotha.
April 2, 2012 at 8:37 pm
Waitaminnit, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
DID DOCTOR WHO HAVE A HAND IN THIS?!
April 2, 2012 at 11:02 pm
Okay, who else read “power-screwed” and got a completely different idea? ^^
April 3, 2012 at 9:58 am
*hangs head* ….I did coffeeandfish……I’ve got a dirty, dirty mind! LOL!
April 3, 2012 at 6:14 pm
*raises hand and giggles* Teehee!
April 2, 2012 at 11:03 pm
The Passion of the Powerdrill.
April 2, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I had no idea that that was actually JC in Two Lane Blacktop!
April 2, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Wait. I thought he was on a cracker.
April 2, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Message in a bottle: You’re doing it wrong.
April 2, 2012 at 6:05 pm
When I saw the link on Twitter, I rushed over, hoping to find some booze. Imagine my disappointment.
April 2, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Rum is always available here. I’m thinking of installing a pool of it with fountains and everything.
April 3, 2012 at 9:03 am
*resists urge to jump in, remembering for a moment that I can’t swim…then thinking, “What a way to go!”*
April 2, 2012 at 6:28 pm
I must be getting jaded. My first thought was, Is that a plastic cap? Ugh.
April 3, 2012 at 9:28 am
Shouldn’t the bottle stopper be a rock?
April 2, 2012 at 7:16 pm
This is one of those crafts I’ve been meaning to try myself but you know, there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do…
April 2, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Probably bought those relics from the Archbishop of Cantebury.
April 2, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Before my kids got wise to the inherent incongruities and still attended Sunday school, Number One came home on Palm Sunday with a small block of wood with two tetanus-ridden nails stuck into it, lashed together with raffia from Michaels. Pretty grim, but we put it to good use: we had a rash of goldfish and other fishies die or commit suicide, so we placed the crucifix on a shelf over the toilet for burials at sea. It’s still there to this day, next to a portrait of an orangutan wearing his food dish on his head. Good conversation starter when we have guests, actually.
April 2, 2012 at 7:57 pm
You’ve nailed it again!
April 2, 2012 at 8:02 pm
The first time I ever heard that song was a short on The Muppet Show. Which just leaves me with the image of a dirty hippy Muppet singing that rewrite. Which is awesome.
April 2, 2012 at 9:58 pm
Poor Jesus. First the Westboro Baptist Church and now this. -shakes head-
April 2, 2012 at 11:18 pm
http://www.etsy.com/listing/96737920/the-electric-christian-crucifix-cross
Didn’t have any barnwood but my fence worked fine.
April 4, 2012 at 9:10 am
Too bad it doesn’t actually run power. And Jesus is all about power. And guilt. And forgiveness for stupidity.
I could see using it on my computer desk instead of the current power squid and power strips in place right now.
April 3, 2012 at 3:48 am
That was my thought, reading the post and all these comments: WHERE is the BARNWOOD? Did they not have barns back in the day?
April 3, 2012 at 5:46 am
I’d buy it if it had a sticker that said “In case of Jesus’ return, break glass.”
April 3, 2012 at 7:07 am
I just about died when I read the Jim Croce lyrics. It matches up perfectly with the song too. Hats off to you, HK!
April 3, 2012 at 7:09 am
I need someone who can play the guitar and sing to at least do this refrain and record it. Otherwise, maybe write the whole song!
April 3, 2012 at 7:19 am
“On the third day he rose again.
When Mary saw her risen Lord she said, “Lord is that you.”
And Jesus replied, “Mmmus, yhhhhh mmem” as His holy jaw was locked.
For these were the days before tetanus shots and the nails were rusty….
April 3, 2012 at 8:48 am
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April 3, 2012 at 9:04 am
April 3, 2012 at 9:19 am
No preaching of any kind here. It’s only snark and more snark in Regretsy-Land. Resistance is just dumb.
April 3, 2012 at 6:18 pm
Resistance is futile, and only provides us an opportunity to respond with appropriate lolcats.
April 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm
“Is Obama Muslim?”
NO!
How has everyone forgotten the campaign crisis his Christian minister from Chicago got him into?
April 4, 2012 at 9:03 am
You fed the troll. Lucky for all of us lemon_bombs was quick with the LOLcat to mitigate quickly.
April 3, 2012 at 8:53 am
“Christ in a bottle”…I like that.
If I were to give that to somebody they’d probably come after me with pitchforks and torches.
April 3, 2012 at 10:02 am
I’m fond of “crap on a cracker” a-la Penny from the Big Bang Theory.
But whenever I blaspheme and say/scream/screech “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!” my hubby always replies very softly, “yes, my child, there’s no need to yell.”
He thinks he’s funny…….giggle!
April 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I’m inordinately proud of myself for getting this reference, despite being young. I’d like to thank my dad for listening to Croce and a bunch of other artists that most of the other kids my age are unfamiliar with.
April 4, 2012 at 10:14 am
If I had a box just for nail clippings
And dog hair and dryer lint too
The box would be empty except for the money
That I have just conned out of you
April 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm
First, kudos on the use of one of my favorite old Jim Croce songs. And second, thank you for making Jesus look just like I know he will look when he comes back! Forget the Book of Revelation, forget what those Baptists say–he’s gonna be a pot-smokin’ hippie, sittin’ on his guitar case and hitchin’ a ride. That which you did unto the least of these my brethren you did also unto me!