Things That Are Not Steampunk #25
“Daisy!” cried professor Pennywhistle, dropping his monocle. “Where are you going in that ridiculous costume?”
“Please, Victor, I’m late for my stationary velocipede class at the gymnasium.”
132 comments on Things That Are Not Steampunk #25
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March 20, 2012 at 10:12 am
How? What? WHAT?
March 20, 2012 at 10:13 am
I mean, there isn’t a gear or monocle to be seen!
March 20, 2012 at 10:16 am
Or an octopus!
March 20, 2012 at 10:44 am
The real question you should be asking is: will she send it to you without washing it first…?
March 20, 2012 at 11:32 am
Twriggy, that’s the first place I went after seeing “thong” in the description, coupled with the photo. Steampunky? No. Steamfunky? Yes.
March 20, 2012 at 5:56 pm
but then she would have to change her listing to steamfunk.
March 20, 2012 at 5:56 pm
DERP – thats what I get for not scrolling down and reading first.
March 20, 2012 at 10:58 am
I checked wikipedia for “steampunk”, pleased to find under “fashion” references to Regretsy!
Steampunk is described as “neo-Victorian”, but your mom’s aerobics unitard is still not steampunk even if they used velvet in the Victorian era.
March 20, 2012 at 11:27 am
But it is powered by coal. The carbon foot print of this bodysuit is the equivalent of a 1959 Edsel with a bad carburetor.
March 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm
I thought that was standard equipment on an Edsel.
March 20, 2012 at 10:12 am
My favorite thongs to buy online are the ones that have been in use since the 1980′s.
March 20, 2012 at 10:14 am
and involve the word “crotch”.
March 20, 2012 at 10:16 am
The sexiest lingerie has long, heavy fabric sleeves.
March 20, 2012 at 10:19 am
Hubba hubba!
March 20, 2012 at 10:20 am
Stop, stop, you are turning me on. Does this thing have a used snap crotch? Because if so, where is my credit card.
March 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Hey there, so, when’d you join the military. *waggly eyebrows*
March 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm
UP YOURS! I have that nightgown. It’s heavy flannel. IT’S STEAMPUNK!
March 20, 2012 at 10:27 am
And that probably didn’t even cost $27 in the 80′s, when it was in fashion.
March 20, 2012 at 11:25 am
I was a young adult in the ’80s. Trust me, that was never in fashion.
The only place fake velvet is still cool seems to be Ren Faires. So maybe it was in fashion in the 1380′s.
March 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Apparently I had no fashion sense even in the 80′s, then… which is really scary.
March 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Ah! But they didn’t have snaps in the 1380s.
March 20, 2012 at 10:41 am
“Crushed Velvet” AKA – “This thing has been at the bottom of my lingerie/workout gear drawer since I was on drill team.” At least she could have pressed it first…
March 20, 2012 at 10:13 am
because nothing says “steampunk” better than 80s thong workout gear
March 20, 2012 at 10:14 am
because when i think “burlesque”, i think “long sleeved velvet”.
March 20, 2012 at 10:17 am
not just velvet, CRUSHED velvet, so you know it’s fancy.
March 20, 2012 at 11:36 am
Or just feeling very, very chagrined.
March 20, 2012 at 10:14 am
“It will work well for burlesque or lingerie”
I do not think those words mean what you think they mean.
March 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm
I don’t think things can work well as both a blouse AND lingerie.
March 20, 2012 at 10:15 am
What military uses puffy shoulders in their uniforms?
March 20, 2012 at 10:16 am
The same military that wears crushed velvet and thongs.
March 20, 2012 at 11:04 am
So Eddie Izzard has his own military at last!
March 20, 2012 at 11:39 am
Where do I sign up?
March 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm
He was right about the element of surprise!
(I love that man in ways I shouldn’t…I think the bf understands, though.)
March 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm
I’m in! Where’s our flag?
March 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm
The Rebels? They’re here? Do they want tea?
March 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm
I was scrolling quickly through the comments and managed to catch this at a glance. ( <3 EI! He's the voice of my GPS system.
March 20, 2012 at 8:07 pm
Does that mean we get cake?
March 21, 2012 at 8:55 am
Or death. Until they run out of cake anyway.
March 21, 2012 at 8:25 pm
I ordered the chicken!
March 20, 2012 at 10:18 am
An awesome one?
March 20, 2012 at 10:24 am
“What military uses puffy shoulders in their uniforms?”
Tubeway Army?
March 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm
I thought exactly the same thing. My friend in the UK does authentic military reproduction uniforms for her partner and nary a puffy sleeve in sight!
https://www.facebook.com/VCreeper
March 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm
The same one that thinks that ill-fitting sleeves can be passed off as puffy shoulders?
March 20, 2012 at 10:16 am
I think the name of the shop explains a lot.
March 20, 2012 at 10:43 am
There are many things in life I want. A used black crushed-velvet thong with a snap-crotch from someone calling themself “KissingCousins” is not on that list.
March 20, 2012 at 6:07 pm
I dunno what you’re talking about, Beeby! A pre-owned thong that is older than I am – I’m looking for my wallet right now!
March 20, 2012 at 10:16 am
The listing says the model is only 5’0″. I’m coughing up velvet just thinking about trying to put this thing on.
March 20, 2012 at 10:49 am
That’s so gross, I love it.
March 20, 2012 at 10:17 am
As I was checking books in at the library yesterday I came across this horror of a book:
http://www.amazon.com/Steampunk-Chic-Vintage-Flair-Recycled/dp/1936708086/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1332263756&sr=8-1
I blame it for all the terrible “steampunk” crap on Etsy.
March 20, 2012 at 10:32 am
Gaaaah! A steampunked church bazaar birdhouse on the cover? I think you’re onto a horrible truth there, pietarian.
March 20, 2012 at 10:33 am
Oh dear, you are completely correct. A quote from a reviewer “If you have a penchant for making up stories about found objects, then steampunk crafting offers ample opportunities for your imagination to jump the fence.” I think the authors of this book must work for etsy.
March 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm
I think they mean “jump the shark.”
March 20, 2012 at 10:54 am
wow, my library had the Regretsy book;)
March 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm
love the review
As I read the Gazette to catch up on the news,
Some classified adverts I chanced to peruse.
When I saw a category called “Steampunk”,
I turned to it eagerly, but left in a funk.
For I quite enjoy the steampunk aesthetic,
But what I beheld there was rather pathetic!
These intrepid online auctioneers
Had just taken modern objects and stuck on some gears!
It’s simply not cricket!
It shouldn’t be done!
But it’s clear how their thoughts had run:
Just glue some gears on it, and call it steampunk;
That’s the trendy fashion nowadays!
A copper-painted chunk of some nineteen-eighties junk
Will fetch a pretty penny on eBay!
But it got even worse than that, I’m afraid:
And as I went on, I became more dismayed;
For they often didn’t modify the things they wanted me to buy
Heavens to Besty!
They’ll end up on Regretsy!
March 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm
=)
March 20, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Great poem! =)
March 20, 2012 at 7:54 pm
It’s the lyrics to “Glue Some Gears On and Call It Steampunk,” by Mr. B. The Gentleman Rhymer – link to YouTube video below.
March 21, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Credited in the review title (wasn’t sure if the video link would show there).
March 20, 2012 at 4:43 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFCuE5rHbPA
March 23, 2012 at 11:01 am
I actually kind of like that horrible birdhouse.
March 20, 2012 at 10:18 am
The models face says “I’ve got a 30 year old thong up my butt.”
March 20, 2012 at 1:22 pm
“And I can’t remember if it was my thong or my skeevy brother’s during his ‘Flashdance’ phase.”
March 20, 2012 at 10:18 am
Well, the Victorian period was known for it’s crushed velvet bodysuits with thongs.
March 20, 2012 at 11:11 am
What, you’ve never got your knickers in an Oliver Twist, luv?
March 20, 2012 at 10:24 am
i also feel like someone should start raging over her lack of creeping thigh pubes
March 20, 2012 at 1:23 pm
You’re a hairist!
March 20, 2012 at 10:27 am
This is not Steampunk. The only Steampunk that came out of the ’80′s are these “steamed punks”.
The claim that this is Steampunk is pretty, pretty vacant.
March 20, 2012 at 11:06 am
And here I was thinking they dated to the 1970s, like me.
March 20, 2012 at 11:17 am
Shut up, zygote.
March 20, 2012 at 5:10 pm
Apropos of nothing, anyone else listen to ex-Sex Pistol Steve Jones’ show “Jonesy’s Jukebox” on KROQ (or, in my case, a KROQ stream)? It’s pretty fun and a nice break from their alternative-rock playlist.
March 20, 2012 at 10:27 am
Crotch snaps are metal = steampunk ? They missed some tags – it could be Edwardian because it is velvet & puffy sleeved; Goth because it is black; retro, classic, wrinkled, ick…
March 20, 2012 at 10:44 am
Other possible tags: Medieval, Dark Ages. Honestly, she should have covered more bases…
March 20, 2012 at 11:01 am
And then they used “sexy” without giving a close-up of those crotch-snaps in action!
March 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm
What is Prince’s theme? (Or “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince,” or whatever he’s calling himself these days.) Whatever it is, that’s what I see this as. Ass. Whatever.
March 20, 2012 at 10:33 am
I’m disappointed the crotch isn’t hook&loop (velcro). For that matter, if it was from the 80s, they could use just the hook portion, and hook it into the wearer’s pubes. Is saving money steampunk in any way?
March 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm
The idea of velcro anywhere near the nether regions sounds just horrific.
March 21, 2012 at 12:39 am
And a velvet thong that’s already been nestled ‘tween a stranger’s buttcheeks doesn’t?
March 20, 2012 at 10:36 am
The exercise-bike-saddle-sniffing Vulva Perfume man might be interested in this item, depending on the size of the smell of course.
March 20, 2012 at 10:39 am
I though you only wore that type of garment when you were welding or possibly when you’re a maniac, maniac on the dance floor.
March 20, 2012 at 7:38 pm
Or if you’re a welding maniac on the dance floor. Although I suppose anybody welding on the dance floor is necessarily a maniac.
March 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Or you eat lobster with a rich guy, then f*ck his brains out…or…huh? Wait..what?
March 20, 2012 at 10:41 am
If the velvet were being crushed by an old-timey, steam-driven robot with a top hat and monocle, then MAYBE you could call it steampunk.
March 20, 2012 at 10:43 am
Not quite what I would wear for burlesque.
March 20, 2012 at 10:47 am
I don’t know, it makes a winning combination when paired with those fetching sequinned hotpants.
March 20, 2012 at 11:06 am
Of course I must still be hungover, it needs glitter, glue and sequins with a little fabric paint thrown in!
March 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Yeah…my cabaret/burlesque troupe would take a look at that and go ‘uh…no’. It’s gotta be easy to move in/remove (whether on stage or off) and leotards, no matter how snap-crotched they are simply don’t fit that description.
March 20, 2012 at 10:45 am
Instagram photos = steampunk? I didn’t get that memo.
March 20, 2012 at 10:46 am
“It’s 30 years old, it’s been up my ass, so I should sell it!”
^Can I have some of whatever she was smoking, please?
March 20, 2012 at 11:06 am
Here. Have a toot off my steampunk bong.
March 20, 2012 at 11:45 am
Oh Doc A, his figures can be pretty cool, but he is forever ripping off “Return to Oz”… This one is pretty neat though.
March 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm
I LOVE his stuff. Saw it in a book of Steampunkery (legit).
March 20, 2012 at 11:23 pm
Must. Have. That. Bong ….
March 21, 2012 at 8:27 pm
ALSO: proof that, when used correctly, a mustache can be awesome.
March 20, 2012 at 10:57 am
I say Victoria, but you are a maniac, I say a maniac on the floor!
March 20, 2012 at 11:24 am
I say, if we took a holiday, just some time to celebrate… I ask not for but one day out of life. It would be, it would be most capital!
March 21, 2012 at 12:42 am
Oh, Albert, I am but a mining borough’s maiden upon a Saturday night. ~*GAZE*~
March 20, 2012 at 11:05 am
It’s odd that I’m more disturbed by the confusing title – Small, extra small. WHICH IS IT?
March 20, 2012 at 11:09 am
I read that as smell, extra smell
March 20, 2012 at 12:36 pm
You’re probably not too far off. I get the feeling we couldn’t change the size of this thing’s smell.
March 20, 2012 at 11:30 am
I think it is a pause for dramatic effect
March 20, 2012 at 11:45 am
Like “Bond, James Bond?”
Stupid, extra stupid.
March 20, 2012 at 11:44 am
“The name’s Small. Extra Small.”
March 20, 2012 at 11:11 am
Add this to the ever-growing list of things I don’t want in my nether regions.
March 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm
And who’d have thought we’d need a list?
March 20, 2012 at 11:15 am
I don’t blame the crotch for snapping.
I’d be pissed too if I was being suffocated by material reminiscent of my late Aunt Edna’s couch…
March 21, 2012 at 9:00 am
I started snort-laughing when I read this.
March 20, 2012 at 11:25 am
I am really surprised (and can’t decide if disappointed or relieved) that you didn’t choose the backside view of this thong body suit to share).
March 20, 2012 at 11:35 am
Gosh! 27$ (plus shipping) for an item somebody already put through their ass crack? Non merci!
March 20, 2012 at 11:37 am
What’s a T cut back? My backside has nothing remotely shaped like that. I know what a T-bone looks like, and I know when you come to a T in the road you better turn your wheel, but I’m drawing a blank on how a 30-year-old wedgie device would play into that.
March 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Add to tags: factory+air
March 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm
“puffy shoulder arms” = “military”
March 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm
I could actually see this being worn as part of a steampunk ensemble, at least if you were doing the burlesque-circus side of steampunk, but it’s not really steampunk on its own…
March 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Holy carp! If you do a search of her shop for “steampunk” about 20 items come up, including a pink prom dress that looks like it’s from Little House on the Prairie. Half her tags must have the word steampunk. Excellent SEO and GREAT for Etsy – piss off a bunch of potential steampunk buyers.
March 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm
What is it with her non-steampunk items? Seems a great way to alienate potential buyers.
March 20, 2012 at 2:03 pm
the fact that it’s been up her butt crack, mixed with the fact that her store is called kissing cousin gross me out
March 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm
WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BUY THAT!?! It’s been in her friggin crack!! GET A GOD DAMN DRESS FORM… you sick cousin kissing weirdo!!!!! The only “steam” that god damned thing had better have is the industrial one at the dry-cleaners…. ew.
March 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Can’t………smile. Thong……….creeping up ass…….clench…cheeks and grit……teeth. Can’t…..speak at…….normal rate…….
Heeelp meeeee!!
March 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm
I really need to shop at Goodwill and Salvation Army more often…then sell what I buy for 10x the price on Etsy.
Then again, no, I don’t.
March 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm
“Gadfrey! She is Waltzing MOST Maniacally!”
March 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm
I’m surprised she didn’t use the ass shot as the front pic seeing as how that is so successfull
March 20, 2012 at 5:36 pm
I think that thong is having an out-of-James-Bond-body experience.
Q: What size are you, thong?
A: Small, very small.
March 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm
I really have to wonder where this seller is getting all this
1980svintage underwear. How is her Mum going to take it when she finds her daughter has been digging through her secret sexytimes underwear drawer to raise funds for her octopus jewellery collection?From the same seller:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/82359904/1980s-itty-bitty-polka-dot-bikini
March 20, 2012 at 6:14 pm
http://www.etsy.com/listing/83920065/1950s-pale-blue-bowtie-and-chantilly
“Another gorgeous antique from Donk’s grandma’s extensive lingerie collection. Circa 1950s, this slip is made of pale blue, super-silky high quality nylon. It has a sheer lace bust with an embroidered bow and a lace-trimmed hem. Excellent vintage condition. Small stain (about 1 inch) on back near hem.
No tag. Best fits a small. Would probably also work for a smallish-medium, as a more fitted garment.
**Would make a gorgeous and unique gift at a lingerie shower! ”
Because nothing says “sexy gift” like your grandmother’s mysteriously stained slip and the mental image it provides of your grandparents bumping uglies.
March 20, 2012 at 7:46 pm
ewwwwwwww!
March 21, 2012 at 12:55 am
Ugh. Who wants to wear “vintage” underwear?!
March 20, 2012 at 8:29 pm
My goodness, there is a whole bunch of ugly in that shop, isn’t there? No steampunk, but loads of ugly.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/95599516/1980s-white-purple-and-black-geometric?ref=v1_other_2
March 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm
The whole store looks like she has inherited a elderly relative’s wardrobe.
March 20, 2012 at 8:33 pm
Does NO ONE on Etsy own an iron???
March 20, 2012 at 11:53 pm
Whenever I see a “Things That Are Not Steampunk” post come up on the RSS feed, I hear Jack Rudolph in my head going “THINGS I DON’T CARE ABOUT, THIIIINNGGS I DON’T CARE ABOUT.”
March 21, 2012 at 1:20 am
For the wording, that is, not simply to be an arsehole- just to clarify. Realised after way too many hours awake that my phrasing could be rather awkward there. I like to think I’m an arsehole for much more interesting reasons.
March 21, 2012 at 7:17 am
Not steampunk and not ’80s either.
Speaking as someone who owned:
(a) crushed velvet trousers
(b) snap-crotch body suits
…these were WAY out of fashion by 1980.
And yes, inadvertently catching a few hairs in your snap crotch is not an experience you ever want to repeat.
April 30, 2012 at 2:26 am
You know……. a hanger would have been fine, I can use my imagination. whatever chance of it being sold died the second she photographed it touching her lady parts.