Peck of the Day
This post first appeared on Regretsy on March 28, 2011
As you know, the good folks at Etsy put an assortment of super special items on their front page, hoping to fool you into thinking that’s what they sell there. These items are chosen in a very deliberate and careful way, and by that I mean they throw some corn on a keyboard, and post whatever their chicken pecks out.
Case in point: a delicious, sunny, citrusy, honey-mustard coated treasury of yummy nummy handpicked fuckery that appeared on Etsy’s front page Sunday night.
Isn’t that so… orange? And it’s French too! I mean, I don’t know why it’s french, but they say that it is, and there’s a little Eiffel Tower in one of the pictures, so… je t’adore!
And of course, everyone loves this treasury, because that’s what people do on Etsy – they talk about how super cute and great and awesome everything is.
These are actual quotes. Only the names and avatars have been changed to protect the craftards
That’s right! The brown paper package tied up with string on the front page of Etsy isn’t even an actual object. IT’S JUST A SHIPPING OPTION.
But it’s a really cute shipping option! OMG it’s so cute, you guys! Super cute. I don’t know why your shipping option is on Regretsy, I think it’s cute. I heart your shipping option and added it to my favorite shipping options. You can’t get cute shipping options like this at the big box stores.
And here’s the best part of this clusterfuck: you can’t sell something like this on Etsy. It’s against their Terms of We Can’t Find Our Ass With a Map. They’re using front page real estate to promote something you aren’t allowed to sell. So if you can’t buy it and you can’t sell it, why is it on the front page?
BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT COLOR. That stupid fucking box matches the rest of this merde bébé collection, and that’s good enough for them.
In fact, it could have looked like this:
It reminds me of an article I read once, about how people who are mentally defective or schizophrenic make decisions based solely on color. And isn’t that what we’re really talking about? A building full of adults using giant phones, drinking out of toy cups and wearing their clothes backwards?
MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING IS A CRY FOR HELP
March 17, 2012 at 9:38 am
I’m surprised there weren’t any bright copper kettles to go with that brown paper package.
March 17, 2012 at 9:56 am
Not just a brown paper package–it’s a brown paper package tied up with string! A bright copper kettle would even work with their color scheme. The chicken really missed an opportunity here.
March 17, 2012 at 10:13 am
Of course, in order to make the front page, “warm woolen mittens” would have to have the thumb and finger areas cut off and have dangling bits of yarn hanging off so you look like a cross between a Hobbit, a jellyfish and an incurable masturbator.
March 17, 2012 at 1:04 pm
“The Hobbitt, The Jellyfish, and The Incurable Masturbator”
Pleas tell me that’s coming to a theater near me soon!
(a thousand thumbs up)
March 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm
Pixar, Dreamworks or Disney?
March 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm
i always hear your comments in Lois Griffin’s voice.
March 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm
OK, you tramp. LOOK what you made me do! Your “warm woolen mittens” comment reminded me of these really pretty mittens Poops posted recently, and so then I had to go and make a whole treasury around that fucking song, and it’s going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the damn day. Here, GO LOOK AT IT!
March 17, 2012 at 10:13 am
I didn’t see my favorite thing. Wrong website, I guess…
March 17, 2012 at 9:39 am
I hope there’s a bar of Irish Spring on the front page today!
March 17, 2012 at 9:57 am
Irish Spring? –
Retro, yes, but hipsters like it, too!
Mass produced, but resellers like it, too!
Upcycled, yes, but craftards like it, too!
Ironic, yes, but fat jealous losers like it (and need it), too!
…
Heard this morning in Brooklyn:
“I didn’t have time to go to the vegan soap place today, so I bought soap at the corner store,” said Hipster Douchebag.
“WHAT!? How do we know anything about regular ‘soap?’ Is it local? Was it tested on animals? Is it all natural? Does the company support sustainable economic development in Appalachia? How can we use this?!?” said Hipster Douchebag significant other.
“Hey – it’s cool. I didn’t by Dove or Lever or anything like that. ‘Member the commercials in the 70s? We’ve seen them on YouTube? It’s Irish Spring!” replied Hipster Douchebag.
“Oh, yeah. That’s so cool.”
March 17, 2012 at 10:54 am
And this is why, as a life-long NYer, I just want the fuck out. Thank you!
March 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm
What? No. That cannot have been a real conversation. It’s just too… awful.
March 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm
I dunno, I’ve known some obnoxious eco-hipsters.
Gotta laugh at “local” soap though. Do you suppose they procure all the ingredients in NYC? … come to think of it, Tyler Durden’s soap fulfills almost all of the Hipster Douchebag’s requirements.
March 18, 2012 at 10:18 pm
In my town, there’s an EarthFare organic/free trade/however you classify that grocery. It’s actually got tasty stuff you can’t find elsewhere, but in the toiletries section, there’s a stand of 4-foot-long soap rods and the point is to cut off your own bars. For whatever reason. I’ve never looked for where the soap is made, and it’s not clearly stated or else I’d know just by catching a glance at the sign. Was it made in NC? Or even the USA? Who knows?
But because you cut it yourself, right there, I’m sure these hipsters would consider that “local”.
March 17, 2012 at 7:46 pm
I’ve heard worse. Thank dog they stay out of my part of Brooklyn.
March 17, 2012 at 11:13 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAXPGtpZvQI
Obviously the woman showering in the bushes ended up being an Etsy editor.
March 17, 2012 at 9:45 am
If Etsy is Schizophrenic then Regretsy must be Clinically Depressed.
March 17, 2012 at 10:06 am
We drink too much to feel feelings anymore, anyway.
March 17, 2012 at 11:21 am
Who needs feelings when featured sellers (and Jackie Stallone) can express them for us in flounce mail?
March 17, 2012 at 10:05 am
“Pile of Shit” was the most expensive. How accurate.
March 17, 2012 at 10:14 am
My mom worked with adults with mental disabilities and she once baked some bread and dyed it green for St Pat’s. Her clients argued over whether the buns tasted like apple or mint. (They actually tasted like bread plus overly-strong food coloring.)
March 17, 2012 at 10:14 am
Where can I find the article about about how people who are mentally defective or schizophrenic make decisions based solely on color? I do that.
March 17, 2012 at 10:36 am
I don’t know about that, but my boyfriend (who has schizophrenia) says that sometimes he perceives certain sounds as if they were colors.
He also occasionally and quite randomly smells fish or burning hair when there’s none around.
March 17, 2012 at 11:06 am
My partner has synesthesia too. She sees numbers as colors. And she works with data, so I imagine she sees life as a Leonid Afremov painting. (Why, yes, I am jealous!)
I want to know what condition it is when you see crap and say “super cute!”
March 17, 2012 at 11:23 am
Hey, that just reminded me of a time when my boyfriend was starting to become a little psychotic and said, “Do numbers have colors?”
I think a lot of people might be freaked out by it, but I find it fascinating how the brain works sometimes.
March 17, 2012 at 12:35 pm
I am not schizophrenic (as far as I know), but I have synesthesia. I remember when I learned that numbers don’t have colors for everybody.
I also have mild Etsianism.
March 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm
@VeganVulva – For some reason I can’t reply directly.
I just recently figured out that I may have a form of synesthesia, too. Ever since I can remember, I can “taste” certain words. The tastes don’t make any sort of sense with the words I associate them with. I never mentioned it to anyone because I thought it was just another strange thing about me
Apparently it’s more rare than other forms, such as associations with colors/numbers/sounds, etc.
March 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm
@VeganVulva I was in 5th grade and asked my best friend what color 5 was to her. It was then that I learned it was not normal to see colorful numbers.
So, what color is 5 for you?
March 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm
@Chemchick- 5 is blue, same as squares and the letter H. I used to mix up the number 5 and the letter H all the time. What about for you?
March 18, 2012 at 12:55 am
@VeganVulva 5 is red. Bright red. So 5′s always stand out to me. I used to mix up 5 and the letter R for the same reason. Although, no other letters have a color. And only triangles have a color, which is yellow.
March 17, 2012 at 11:25 am
Oh, and I believe the condition you’re looking for is “Acute Etsianism.”
March 17, 2012 at 11:26 am
Either that or Etsyssistic Personality Disorder.
March 17, 2012 at 11:32 am
I’m schizophrenic as well, my girlfriend has “checks and balances” for me that I wind up able to accept.
Colour is very important.
March 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm
I’m bipolar, and I randomly smell bleach, petrol and diesel where none are present. I described my tinnitus to my cousin last week. To me it’s a wide grey marl band with a bright yellow ribbon running along the middle. I paint abstract/expressionist/fauvist style paintings with bold colours, very little shading, but it’s not the colours that matter so much, but the contrast.
Waffle waffle waffle.
Also, did other people get an email from etsy with selections of colour coded st patty’s day items right after reading this post? ><
March 18, 2012 at 6:58 pm
I’m bipolar, and I smell things that aren’t there. When I repeatedly told my doctor this, he ordered an MRI scan, and they found I have a weird form of epilepsy.
It’s the little quirks that make us who we are.
March 17, 2012 at 10:29 am
Is there no other way the etsian’s know to describe something than “super cute”? There’s an impressive lack of vocabulary right there!
March 17, 2012 at 10:37 am
“Lovely.” Treasuries are always “lovely.”
March 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Unique
March 17, 2012 at 10:56 am
Oh my god! I’m mentally defective! (I know I’m not schizophrenic because the voices told me so).
March 17, 2012 at 11:27 am
Isn’t that a requirement for signing up on this site?
March 17, 2012 at 11:24 am
Is that vintage, organic, hand crafted, steampunk shit? Because I don’t want just any old pile of shit.
And where are the sparkles?
Otherwise it’s super duper cute you guys! Squeee!
March 17, 2012 at 11:35 am
Well you should also worry if that poo was locally-produced, we want no import poo.
March 17, 2012 at 11:41 am
Is it all natural and vegan? Is it preservative-free?
March 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Yes, it must be VEGAN poop. And free range.
March 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm
At least if it’s vegan, you know it doesn’t stink.
March 17, 2012 at 11:30 am
that’s a damned good price for poop.
March 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm
IT’S SUSTAINABLE
March 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm
…emphasis on stain…
March 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm
New slogan!
Regretsy: We put the “stain” in “sustainable.”
March 17, 2012 at 9:49 pm
Waste products from everyday living lovingly upcycled. Due to the unique nature of this item variations will occur.
I hope you enjoy this supercute poop as much as I enjoyed making it.
March 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm
espangole?
March 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm
yes. I looked it up. Espangole is what happens when you add glitter to a pile of baby poop. Upcycle successful!
March 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm
Why is there even a word for that?
March 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm
The first thing I noticed on that treasury was the shipping item … and sadly, I’ve noticed all kinds of things on the front page that just shouldn’t be there by Etsy’s own rules. Truly WTF meets DYI!
March 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm
TIL I’d rather hang out with people who have schizophrenia and/or synaesthesia than the people who operate Etsy.
If I hadn’t watched a documentary on it, my school system would have me convinced that synaesthesia was just another literary technique.
March 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm
I sorely miss TheOnlySanePersonInTheWorld
March 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm
I know. I want to hang out with her just so I can listen to her comment on the state of the world right now.
March 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm
I hope she’s out getting drunk tonight. She surely deserves it.
March 18, 2012 at 8:25 pm
In case it’s not too late to add something to our Regretsy treasury, here:
March 18, 2012 at 10:27 pm
Clearly, “rules” only exist on Etsy to have something to point to as justification for banning anyone they just don’t care for.
March 19, 2012 at 9:14 pm
I’m thinking the folks at etsy have a search option to narrow results by color like Google’s image search, and that’s how they pick the front page featured items.