I believe that loosely translates to “one with no marketable skills or specific artistic ability, who is possessed of enormous testicles and copious spools of wire.”
But, seriously*, if you were trying to sell one of your almost priceless “steadfastly artistic wire roses” for $100,000, couldn’t you at least get someone to take a better photo of it!??
*Seriously…….I made myself laugh then! or maybe it’s the drugs, can never be sure…..o_o
Such a sweet show in the beginning…always waiting for a Shannon Doherty blow-up that just never happened. Sigh. I gave up shortly after Rose McGowan showed up and don’t remember a red stiletto. I am interested in how it fits into an episode, though. Perhaps it was a dream sequence? Sculpture shown in an open garden? A bondage device at a sex club? It boggles the mind.
Maybe a prop used at P3. On my DVR, I’m about 10 episodes away from “Death takes a Halliwell” which I assume is the one when Shannon gets wacked. You say sweet show, I see women who were unashamably horny and enjoyed and perused sex. I say kindea groundbreaking for network TV, Its a diversion at the level April had for Quincy
I didn’t mean “sweet” as in The Andy Griffith Show! I meant it as a show I liked to watch. It had good stories, characters I cared about, and San Francisco backdrop (that’s one of my non-traditional porns–LOVE that city and I’ve been there only once).
I love San Fransisco too. Its funny watching the Shannen episodes knowing she gets it. I love that the same actors played Grams, Mom and Dad over the 8 seasons. Leo is a pussy!!!
I first understood your post as “my husband has his shop in a restroom”. I have since consumed more coffee and now understand what you meant. Thank you for the clarity Juan Valdez!
Mine too. Once that’s crossed off, I’m moving straight to “stealing a Zamboni and driving it into town.” Maybe I’ll even get my own hilariously low-speed chase scene!
I don’t even like hockey at all and I want this bed. It’s GORGEOUS. And in comparison to pieces of crap surrounding it, this is definitely not overpriced.
One of my kids couldn’t pronounce “zamboni” so he called it “zamboobie”. We, being such urbane sophisticates, waited until my mother heard it and did the job of correcting it for us.
That is EXACTLY what I thought it looked like too! I had to wonder, as he was being run over by the steamroller did the honey come out his mouth or… the other end…. first…… Ug. I need therapy.
My pet rat died last July. If I’d known you could upcycle that shit, I would have slapped a sweater on her and run that fucker over with my Ford. Sorry, Lidia, but mama needs to pay the rent.
Not all is lost. From previous posts you already knew you could make her skull into a fascinator, her paws into pendants, photograph her vertebra randomly arranged on barnwood and sell it as a high-priced art piece called Pusillanimity of Malfeasance, sew scraps of her hide to a $5 t-shirt and sell it as haute couture and finally attach her spirit to a bottlecap and sell it as a spirit pet. So I’m sure you’re doing fine.
I don’t have a picture or anything because this piece is just imaginary but give me $10,000 and I will make you something really cool, and I will spend MONTHS on it. TRUST ME!
It’ll smell like clove cigarettes, or American Spirits, you heathens! An Artiste like that doesn’t smoke Marlboro lights, for heaven’s sake!
It’s only the finest organic no-additives cigs or imports for her!
But it’s an illustration of her WRITING PIECE! Some day she’ll be a famous writer, and you’ll have her ORIGINAL illustration! It’s almost like having Da Vinci’s sketchbook. Well worth the wait and the cost.
I thought she was working on a fan-fic novel or something! This is a journal entry!
I read a random sampling of about 30% of her words, and I also came to the conclusion that this was about her secret internet crush. Maybe if you read it in a mirror, it turns into something good.
You know, I like bugs kind of a lot, and I think most people actually like fireflies, but I find the mental image of someone breathing out hordes of these things and then having them crawl around in their teeth and such… um… not appealing?
But also could you not tell my mom how much you’re really giving me bc I owe her like 10x that amount and she’ll take it all bc she’s such a bitch like that.
She’ll totally be sorry in October or whenever when I’ve totally finished your spechul artwork and I’m definitely famous and rich (bc of your money)
This girl doesn’t really like her mom, at all. Color me surprised to have found this gem from another one of her listings for for $5000:
***The reason I’m setting the price so high is because my mom really wants this but if I can sell it for a high price I will simply make her one to replace it. She wants it because it is the first large painting I ever completed. I made this in my freshman year of high school and it means a lot to her, but in the end it will not be a big deal if I sell it to someone else who would like it. I’ll work with you on the price but I’m setting at what I believe to be its highest selling price right now.
Haha that is amazing! So by her logic, A) other people will definitely be willing to pay a lot of money for it, based on the fact that her mom wants it, and B) she totally wants to stick it to her mom and get paid for doing so…
Brb, setting up an etsy shop for all my handmade mother’s day cards and shitty paperweights
Oh, sweetie! Your mom doesn’t want you to feel bad when no one buys it. When my 5-year-old held a yard sale with the garbage she found in her bedroom, then cried when no one came, I bought her crap. I gave her enough money to buy nachos, and she gave me scraps of construction paper and broken McDonald’s toys. I DO NOT VALUE THOSE THINGS. If your mom actually values your painting, it’s because it was your first, so a reproduction wouldn’t be the same. Let your mom keep the original. She loves you.
I love that she says in her profile that she IS FlittingDream and if we know her by any other name, keep that info to ourselves because from now on, she’s anonymous. Except for that picture of her smoking that she has on a site seen by millions. She can also cut and braid hair and make quilts and clothes BUT NOT IN THE NORMAL WAY. Sort of like how my five year old holds scissors with two hands and upside down. Come to think of it, my daughter can cut and braid hair too. For five hundred bucks I’ll draw a picture of it.
I wish. Looking at her “About” thing:
(Insert at least three dozen inane “I” statements, example: I plan to travel the world as soon as I can. I want to promote goodness and kindness. I want to be an art teacher.)
And then:
I plan to do everything. That’s why I dropped out of college. College only ever restricted me. I don’t have a degree to prove that I can do anything. You just have to trust me.
HERE LET ME JUST GIVE YOU 500 DOLLARS FOR OPEN HEART SURGERY. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, RIGHT?
If she dropped a zero, she might sell that one.
This one, on the other hand… http://www.etsy.com/listing/95160092/yarned-out?ref=v1_other_1 She says she took it with a crappy camera, used a crappy editing program on it, none of it is in focus, but it’s $100. Plus shipping. And of course the size and the frame can make it cost more.
The plate is now listed at $12. Maybe they were just SUPER drunk when they put that one up. I hope.
The “artist” makes me angry, even more so after I read the rest of the listing. F you in your jerk face, bitch. “send me $500 for some shit I haven’t actually started and also if you could suggest how to do it, that would be good too.”
“… but I’m SUPER excited about not having a clue how to do this so if you could please help me and my mom out, this project will be totally worth it once I figure out what it will actually be. All rights reserved and patent pending and stuff!!”
“….but make sure you send the downpayment quick, ’cause I owe my mom a SHITLOAD of money, and if I don’t pay her back soon, she’s going to cut off my internet and make me get a job.”
She won’t be committed or motivated if you don’t send her $500 in advance. Also, she’s not so good with financial decisions. Or photography, or writing. But you can definitely trust her to give you something worth $10,000 eventually.
She says she wrote for like, EIGHT hours one night in college, which, to me, says “I got some super good weed one night in college.” Congrats, you wrote for an average work day. Achievement unlocked.
When I was young and in school, I’d write for 8 hours at a stretch all the time. Given, it was called “ignoring all your assignments until the end of the week and doing them all at once on the day before they were due.”
Yeah, in college, I took an experimental class called “Artists and Writers in Collaboration”. We did this sort of shit. Boy, I must be pretty slow, I threw away the inane drap we producted.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, people. “Namaste” is a greeting, not a farewell. Use your stolen, hipster words correctly. Then maybe I’ll listen to your social commentary on how your scrap-wire coat-hangers beautify the trash bins of the people you think give a damn about you or your “art.”
The shoe sculpture also looks like it could be used for multiple things like: artsy stripper pole, fun slide, chair with neck support, fetish dungeon decor…
Also, if it appeared on T.V. wouldn’t it be better marketing to show that picture instead of a ginger mouth-breather?
State of Affairs, AKA Why I HATE most modern art with a passion.
Pretentious bullshit that looks like a butt plug, or possibly the dick of a water buffalo.
*rants on for a while in the corner*
What I want to know is what hockey player wanted the Zamboni bed, and why didn’t they take delivery of it? Maybe the flashing light kept them up at night…
Who the fuck thinks mink would be a good material for any object intended to hold a small person who tends to pee, shit, and throw up at the slightest whim?
I’m not going to lie — I want that Zamboni bed like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe s/he ought to be marketing it to Canadians. Canadians love them some hockey.
I’m not Canadian, nor do I like hockey, but I would LOVE to have that bed!!! I would even pay that price if it included shipping. And if I had the money. Or the room to put the bed …
I will accept that the state of world affairs can be summarised as a symbolic dick ejaculating on itself, however; I cannot accept that this is how to solve any of the world’s problems. Nor can I accept that this is worth more than 50 bucks.
Is it just me or is asking $100,000 for a shitty bunch of tangled, colored wire (of which 800 are supposedly floating around the world, apparently for free) particularly ballsy?
Then men in my family have been in the telephone business for decades. We have miles and miles of phone wire. My brother makes wire sculptures from it. He makes the most fantastic Ferris Wheels and Viking Ships. The Ferris Wheel took him 130 hours, and he sold it for $50.00. This POS rose is CRAP!
That’s awful! I think a wire Ferris wheel would be oh-so-much cooler than this shitty rose and worth a helluva lot more than 50 bucks! Tell him to start an Etsy shop, he’d be able to retire early.
I actually did, after seeing this post. I called him, sent him a link to all the “wire sculpture art” on Etsy. His best item, in my opinion, is his Viking Ships. There are none on Etsy, so I told him to get out of the bar (really – that is where he is), go home and start on a ship! I’m thinking $130 for it.
I kind of like that shoe sculpture even though it costs about $10,000 more than my car. I mean, it’s not like I will ever afford it or be able to put it anywhere.
Umm, so I want to be an artist but I don’t know how to like draw or paint or whatever but I’m totally going be to be like the guy who painted all those pictures of Marilyn Monroe and stuff, so you should buy my painting. It’s $164,120, which is the cost of SVA undergrad plus living expenses. Oh, actually it’s $164,670 because I need to sign up for this 101 pastel class so I have something to submit in my sva application packet. You’ll have ur painting in 4 years!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! I take paypal.
I had to see these Etsy pages. Flat miniture cat artist must have a very poor grasp on exchange rates. I remain oddly fascinated. The glass place seller; perhaps a momentary bout of palsy?
“I am Flitting Dream. If you know me by any other name, please keep that to yourself. My presence on the internet and in the world from now on is anonymous and open at the same time.”
LOVE IT
“I am KJ. If you know me by any other name, it’s a good chance we slept together. My presence on the internet and in the world from now on is anonymous (if I owe you money) and open (if you are good in bed, and at vacuuming) at the same time.”
I plan to do everything. That’s why I dropped out of college. College only ever restricted me. I don’t have a degree to prove that I can do anything. You just have to trust me.
This is the cover letter for all of my future job applications.
Yes, Mugsy – I have felt the wrath of the fat jealous ones – I don’t want it but I will always take it in good humor. Maybe I am a masochist after all, like all the doctors said…
Wow that potter person really thinks a lot of him/herself.
“Think George Ohr. World famous work that is going to not only appreciate in value but will skyrocket I guarantee it! Buy from the greatest art potter of your age!!!”
I’m really considering buying something. I mean if someone thinks that highly of themselves surely they will succeed… right?
This has been known to happen from time to time. The shear amount of steampunk watches available on Etsy has created a sort of gravitational and relativistic disturbance, which acts as a concave prism which focuses a beam of pure irony onto the fabric of space-time. As a result a vagina shaped worm-hole, which is totally vegan and OOAK, has been torn into the fabric of space-time, allowing people to see listing of both the past and the future.
While, the prices may seem ridiculously over-priced from our prospective in the whole craftspace timeline, it is important to realize that the America during the actual listing of these objects isn’t the America we now love and know. These are future listings. In that America, the dollar has deflated due to the constant economic pressures of Chinese resalers, which have come to rule America with an iron fist. ALL HAIL ANNE. LONG LIVE TOOFASHION2010!!!
This photo cracked me up, and now I’m embarrassed, and even though you never would have known that had I not told you, I will now explain why:
Years ago, one of our cats, Gizmo, fell asleep (or passed out drunk, we’re not sure) in the road and was squashed by a garbage truck. It was obviously instantaneous death…and what more can any of us hope for? My son had to scrape him off the pavement and into a plastic bag.
As I stood by, my son dug a hole by the fence, between two rose bushes. After he stood from relieving Gizmo of his plastic shroud, he wiped a tear and said, “Well, I guess the cat is out of the bag.”
I’m sure our neighbors came to their windows to stare at us, laughing over this poor, smashed cat in a hole, but I couldn’t see a thing. Or, maybe you had to be there…
The kitten looks strangly like Winnie the Poo if he was flattened as road kill..The Avalanche Zamboni bed is pretty cool if you’re kid is into Zamboni’s and the Avalanche.
State of Affairs
Hersky’s Shop Announcement
Think George Ohr. World famous work that is going to not only appreciate in value but will skyrocket I guarantee it! Buy from the greatest art potter of your age!!!
if there are 800 out there, why would I spend 100,000 on number 801? I’m sure I could find one cheaper on craisglist, from some girl who broke up with the loser who gave it to her.
Or, if he charged that much for each, and has made 80,000,000, then bye bye husband, helloooooo wire musician!
I’m sure the first 800 were priced at about a penny each (what’s the minimum price you can put on an etsy item?) and the seller bought them. Then the seller raised the price to make it look like they had actually sold that many at that price. Lame marketing trick at best, but there is always one person who will freaking buy ANYTHING at any price you slap on it if they think it’s trendy.
The etsy seller of the State of Affairs should just sit on it. The little miniature kitten looks like it was originally a lint kitten that got run over by a hot wheels.
The dish, at least, is just twelve bucks now.
I guess I’d hazard a guess that /some/ people set the prices impossibly high temporarily for certain reasons…? Maybe to make sure no one buys it while they acquire it or… something? Or even just a typo or malfunction in the system? Hm.
If you haven’t gone and read the “Lightening Bug Ballet” story you NEED to. It is in the item’s description on the Etsy page.
Right now.
Go.
…
Soooo, I am pretty sure that this person is doing some art thing based on that… my favourite part is where she uses “realer” – like it’s a real word. I really don’t think she was being ironic. Which is kind of sad.
Also: 8 whole hours to come up with that one college night? At least copious amounts of pot explains the rambling “story”… but not the delusions of grandeur.
It seems that all of her “artwork” was produced her freshman year of high school. But the story is from college. No wonder she dropped out of college…her best years are already behind her.
The stained buttplug political commentary shocked me most of all. I guess I have not been on here enough lately. Time to revert to the archives for a refresher course on fuckery!
Ok, so I’ve been staring at that first one for awhile now, and have a question.
I know it sez, “kitty” but it isn’t. What the fuck is that thing? What is it made of? What is it’s purpose? Is that a hanger on it? Is it meant to hang? It isn’t a kitty, it ain’t art, I don’t know what it is for or how it was made or what from, and it is driving me crazy.
Ok, so it is several questions. But really? WTF is it?
The $100,000 covers “wire, and my time pulled away from other projects I should be working on.” Presumably, the wire is unobtainium and the other projects are intergalactic mining and bioengineering telekinetically-operated smurf puppets.
Oh lordy lordy lord. I’ve just read “Lightning Bug Ballet”.
I don’t doubt for a minute that it was written in college. I long to lift my feet from the mud that binds me to the hard ground. To be out in the heart of the insect galaxy, standing next to you in its disk. To feel all that you feel. To be part of everything. From my habitat I crave your bliss, the Eden that only my wanting has ever conceived.
Yeah.
I don’t much mind her coining the word “realer” — she’s obviously trying to be poetic. Except that “more real” would actually have sounded better.
OK, seriously, I cannot pass up this girl’s offer. $10,000 for…something. I wonder if she’ll take it on an installment plan? Hell, never mind the $10,000 art. She can work on $100,000, no, $1 million art, and I’ll just keep paying her installments of like a few hundred a month. I wonder if she’d go for that? She produces art “eventually.” And I just hand her cash.
Wonder if she accepts PayPal. Wonder if PayPal would even give her the money without freezing it…
I’m going to give the cake plate idiot a pass and assume they don’t understand American currency. Decimal misplaced by several places.
And I’m just sorry…but the Zamboni bed is FUCKING BAD ASS and I would totally waste $13,000 on that if I were shamelessly rich. And then I’d go pay someone else to paint it Penguins colors.
I read an excerpt from “the lightning bug ballet”. Rather unfortunate wording: “The draft sets aglow the pulse of a thousand lightning bugs buzzing about in your cavity.” I (personally) prefer nothing “buzzing around” in any cavity of mine. But that’s just me.
1) For $24K, the bimbo model had best be included.
2) “A socio-political commentary on the current state of affairs as a means to blah blah blah…” = “I spilled some lead paint and other shit on my giant dildo, but maybe some idiot will purchase it on Etsy”
3) “I made over 800 of these that are circulating planet all for love of art…” Really? And only for the 801st piece you decided to start doing it for $100,000.00 instead? Nothing says “worth 100K” more than “a piece of wire crap reproduced 800 times already and passed out for free”. Man, I’d pay to see the look on the guy’s face who buys this when he meets someone who got the exact same artwork as a freebie.
Can I please go back to seeing the ginger-in-condom in my head when I think about the shoe now? I can never go home, thanks a fuckload for ruining that!
I started playing a drinking game with myself as I scrolled down one by one. A shot for every listing that increases in a price that is as ridiculous as the listing itself.
Only did I realize at the second to last listing that it was your intention all along to post them in such an order. Thank you.
“If you, dear reader, aren’t ready to commit to giving me $10,000 for something I *promise* I’m going to make based on my writing, just check out my portrait of my dog for $300.”
Clicked on the stoller link out of curiosity on what else could possibly be in their shop and stumbled on this beaut: “Genuine Python Baby Basket with organic cotton and two vitage one of a kind brooches.”
TWO VITAGE OOAK brooches! What a steal for only $5800 plus $450 shipping!
Gotta admit, if I had money to burn I’d buy my kid a genuine viperskin baby basket, if only for the potential super powers.
Some of the things in that shop are gorgeous though, especially the baby “envelopes”. With the sort of “Eastern European Royalty” theme they’ve got going on, I could see the upper echelons of society lapping this shit up. Or even us normies, as a hilariously impractical but insanely awesome heirloom…
…but I have to be honest, my first thought upon clicking on their profile was “of course they’re goddamn Russian. Of course“.
Screw that flattened kitten – there were times when I’d have paid $10k just for the match. Like when I had a full pack of smokes and nothing to light them with while I was driving down the freeway and the next exit was thirty-fucking-three miles away.
Holy fucking ass crackers Batman! The steel one I could still see being that high, good quality steel is quite expensive and it’s a little more “artisan” … but seriously, the wire rose … I make that shit when I’m bored at home … are you telling me there’s a million dollars sitting on my shelf?!
Doesn’t the “Statue of current political affairs” Look alot like a rhino horn, soaked to straighten, with a bit of wax on it to help mask that fact?
Perhaps its an ingenious way of selling illegal animal parts, while giving oneself enough traceable “legitimacy” as an artist that they can then pay taxes and have their money in full, without having to launder it.
That’s got to be the tiniest dead hamster I’ve ever seen… My grandma has a plate like that too – and.. I wish I hadn’t looked at that Avalanche bed… Now my Hubs wants one. Sigh. He’s asking if the steering wheel honks too.
March 15, 2012 at 1:17 pm
800 of those $100K wire roses are circulating the planet AS WE READ THIS.
This is clearly the most successful etsy artist of all time. When this person dies, these things are gonna be worth a FORTUNE.
March 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm
“Nameste,” bitches.
March 15, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Color me ignorant, but what the Hell is a “steadfast wire musician”?
March 15, 2012 at 1:53 pm
I believe that loosely translates to “one with no marketable skills or specific artistic ability, who is possessed of enormous testicles and copious spools of wire.”
March 16, 2012 at 12:19 am
His nickname is Twanger.
March 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm
If you have to ask, you’re not allowed to join Etsy.
However, if you have to ask, you are allowed to join Regretsy.
March 15, 2012 at 6:40 pm
What is the color of ignorant? And can I get it in the form of 800 wire roses?
March 15, 2012 at 7:07 pm
But, seriously*, if you were trying to sell one of your almost priceless “steadfastly artistic wire roses” for $100,000, couldn’t you at least get someone to take a better photo of it!??
*Seriously…….I made myself laugh then! or maybe it’s the drugs, can never be sure…..o_o
March 15, 2012 at 1:49 pm
800 of those are circulating the planet because they were light enough to float after the freighter from China that they were on capsized.
March 15, 2012 at 7:07 pm
800 of these in various land fills does not equal 800 circulating the planet
I have been watching CHARMED every day on WE TV with the plan of watching all episodes. So I have a second goal Finding the red stileto!!
March 16, 2012 at 8:23 am
Such a sweet show in the beginning…always waiting for a Shannon Doherty blow-up that just never happened. Sigh. I gave up shortly after Rose McGowan showed up and don’t remember a red stiletto. I am interested in how it fits into an episode, though. Perhaps it was a dream sequence? Sculpture shown in an open garden? A bondage device at a sex club? It boggles the mind.
March 16, 2012 at 11:51 am
Maybe a prop used at P3. On my DVR, I’m about 10 episodes away from “Death takes a Halliwell” which I assume is the one when Shannon gets wacked. You say sweet show, I see women who were unashamably horny and enjoyed and perused sex. I say kindea groundbreaking for network TV, Its a diversion at the level April had for Quincy
March 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm
I didn’t mean “sweet” as in The Andy Griffith Show! I meant it as a show I liked to watch. It had good stories, characters I cared about, and San Francisco backdrop (that’s one of my non-traditional porns–LOVE that city and I’ve been there only once).
March 16, 2012 at 10:02 pm
I love San Fransisco too. Its funny watching the Shannen episodes knowing she gets it. I love that the same actors played Grams, Mom and Dad over the 8 seasons. Leo is a pussy!!!
March 15, 2012 at 2:01 pm
The obvious thing to do is to buy it and kill him.
March 15, 2012 at 4:11 pm
*grabs one and throws it in the garbage disposal*
Make that 799, bitches!!!
I just raised the price.
*evil laugh*
March 15, 2012 at 4:25 pm
You raised the value AND improved the world!
March 15, 2012 at 8:50 pm
And yet, he has no feedback.. hunh…
March 15, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Is it wrong to root for that untimely demise even though I don’t own one of those “artworks”?
March 15, 2012 at 1:18 pm
I’m in the wrong business if they can sell any one of those for those prices.
March 15, 2012 at 8:02 pm
They can’t.
March 15, 2012 at 1:18 pm
That zamboni bed is WAY under-priced!
March 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm
I’ve seen that bed on a business card in the restroom where my husband has his shop (small world!). That guy makes neat things.
March 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I first understood your post as “my husband has his shop in a restroom”. I have since consumed more coffee and now understand what you meant. Thank you for the clarity Juan Valdez!
March 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm
Hahaha I did exactly the same thing. And picturing a shop squished into a restroom totally changes the interpretation of the “small world” aside, too.
March 15, 2012 at 7:19 pm
That makes three of us wondering what kind of shop her hubby has in a restroom!
March 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Only if you can also drive it around a skating rink
March 15, 2012 at 1:54 pm
Agreed! DO WANT! Well except I don’t have any use for a bunk bed. And I don’t have an extra $13k sitting around. But if I did…
March 15, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Just read that in Zapp’s voice! He makes everything sound way more awesome than it is.
March 15, 2012 at 3:44 pm
“That is one seriously erotic zamboni, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right Kif?”
March 15, 2012 at 10:24 pm
Phil Hartman was supposed to do that voice. *sigh*
(Nerdyfangirls ftw)
Also, I agree with those who said it was a fair price for a Zamboni bunk bed. OOAK bitches!
March 15, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Seriously, that is a steal. All beds should come with steering wheels on them.
March 15, 2012 at 2:39 pm
It is awesome!
On a completely unrelated note: Driving a Zamboni is on my list of random things I have to do before I die.
March 15, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Me too.
March 15, 2012 at 6:27 pm
When I grow up I wanna drive a zamboni!
Dammit, that’s what I’ll do! I’m quitting tomorrow to live out my dream. See ya ’round the rink fuckheads!
Oh…hi honey.
March 16, 2012 at 5:54 am
I’m still trying to get the guys at the rink to let me drive THIS one!
Yes, this is the actual zamboni where my kid plays hockey!
March 15, 2012 at 7:53 pm
Mine too. Once that’s crossed off, I’m moving straight to “stealing a Zamboni and driving it into town.” Maybe I’ll even get my own hilariously low-speed chase scene!
March 15, 2012 at 3:45 pm
I’ll admit, my first thought when I saw the Zamboni bed was “That is incredibly fucking awesome, I wish I still liked hockey”.
March 17, 2012 at 3:23 am
I don’t even like hockey at all and I want this bed. It’s GORGEOUS. And in comparison to pieces of crap surrounding it, this is definitely not overpriced.
March 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm
I had no idea the Colorado Avalanche were signing 8-year-old boys now.
March 16, 2012 at 6:49 am
They’ll take whoever they can get these days.
March 15, 2012 at 8:13 pm
I think that one might be worth it…
One of my kids couldn’t pronounce “zamboni” so he called it “zamboobie”. We, being such urbane sophisticates, waited until my mother heard it and did the job of correcting it for us.
March 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Nameste, batches.
March 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Oooh. The Winnie the Pooh roadkill miniature is awesome!
March 15, 2012 at 1:26 pm
That is EXACTLY what I thought it looked like too! I had to wonder, as he was being run over by the steamroller did the honey come out his mouth or… the other end…. first…… Ug. I need therapy.
March 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I want one in ‘possum.’
March 15, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Beebs, you live in NC. Just wait until spring really kicks in and you can get yourself a fresh one off the side of the road like the rest of us.
March 15, 2012 at 7:37 pm
I’ve got plenty on the roads around here. Shall I scrape one up and send it?
March 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm
My pet rat died last July. If I’d known you could upcycle that shit, I would have slapped a sweater on her and run that fucker over with my Ford. Sorry, Lidia, but mama needs to pay the rent.
March 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Not all is lost. From previous posts you already knew you could make her skull into a fascinator, her paws into pendants, photograph her vertebra randomly arranged on barnwood and sell it as a high-priced art piece called Pusillanimity of Malfeasance, sew scraps of her hide to a $5 t-shirt and sell it as haute couture and finally attach her spirit to a bottlecap and sell it as a spirit pet. So I’m sure you’re doing fine.
March 15, 2012 at 6:29 pm
Pusillanmity of Malfeasance is my new band name.
March 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I honestly thought it was a cornflake..
March 15, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Winnie the Pooh was run over by the zambonie bed….RIP Pooh.
March 15, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Yep, when I saw that, Poo was the first thing I thought of.
March 15, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Sailcat!
March 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm
Someone watches Hoarders…
March 15, 2012 at 3:29 pm
Sure, it’s all fun & games untill he starts bloating & stinking the place up!
March 15, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I thought it was a Winnie the Pooh foetus.
March 16, 2012 at 4:17 am
Shoudn’t have put a freeway through Hundred Acre Wood…
March 16, 2012 at 4:18 am
OOps– *Shouldn’t* I need a nap…
March 15, 2012 at 1:20 pm
I don’t have a picture or anything because this piece is just imaginary but give me $10,000 and I will make you something really cool, and I will spend MONTHS on it. TRUST ME!
March 15, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Oh yeah, and here is a shitty picture of me smoking so you know how creative I am. Super creative.
March 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm
And also that you’ll get a piece of “art” that smells like smoke. That should be delightful!
March 15, 2012 at 1:37 pm
But I’m sure it’ll be realer and more splendid than we’ve ever dreamed…
March 15, 2012 at 2:22 pm
It’s avant-garde:
“Change the size of THIS smell, bitches!”
March 15, 2012 at 2:30 pm
It’ll smell like clove cigarettes, or American Spirits, you heathens! An Artiste like that doesn’t smoke Marlboro lights, for heaven’s sake!
It’s only the finest organic no-additives cigs or imports for her!
March 15, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Ohh Ohh I don’t smoke *and* I’d really like $10,000…. I mean I’m just a creative as her.
Pick me, pick me!
March 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm
You didn’t know that all smokers are artists?
March 15, 2012 at 1:29 pm
But it’s an illustration of her WRITING PIECE! Some day she’ll be a famous writer, and you’ll have her ORIGINAL illustration! It’s almost like having Da Vinci’s sketchbook. Well worth the wait and the cost.
March 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Well, she finishes her writing piece (which I think is pretty clearly dedicated to someone she met in an AOL chat room) with the word “realer”.
So, not so much like DaVinci, really. At least he had the foresight to write backwards so future generations couldn’t mock his spelling and grammar.
March 15, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I thought she was working on a fan-fic novel or something! This is a journal entry!
I read a random sampling of about 30% of her words, and I also came to the conclusion that this was about her secret internet crush. Maybe if you read it in a mirror, it turns into something good.
March 15, 2012 at 3:51 pm
You know, I like bugs kind of a lot, and I think most people actually like fireflies, but I find the mental image of someone breathing out hordes of these things and then having them crawl around in their teeth and such… um… not appealing?
March 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Please accept this personal check for $500. ***please note it has little or nothing to do with the amount of funds in the account***
March 15, 2012 at 2:32 pm
What else are you going to do in prison?
March 15, 2012 at 4:15 pm
But also could you not tell my mom how much you’re really giving me bc I owe her like 10x that amount and she’ll take it all bc she’s such a bitch like that.
She’ll totally be sorry in October or whenever when I’ve totally finished your spechul artwork and I’m definitely famous and rich (bc of your money)
Thanks!
March 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm
http://www.etsy.com/listing/95161304/evoke-the-artist-within-yourself?ref=v1_other_2
This girl doesn’t really like her mom, at all. Color me surprised to have found this gem from another one of her listings for for $5000:
***The reason I’m setting the price so high is because my mom really wants this but if I can sell it for a high price I will simply make her one to replace it. She wants it because it is the first large painting I ever completed. I made this in my freshman year of high school and it means a lot to her, but in the end it will not be a big deal if I sell it to someone else who would like it. I’ll work with you on the price but I’m setting at what I believe to be its highest selling price right now.
March 15, 2012 at 8:09 pm
Haha that is amazing! So by her logic, A) other people will definitely be willing to pay a lot of money for it, based on the fact that her mom wants it, and B) she totally wants to stick it to her mom and get paid for doing so…
Brb, setting up an etsy shop for all my handmade mother’s day cards and shitty paperweights
March 15, 2012 at 10:30 pm
Saw the top half, thought “that’s not so bad” – scrolled down and aggh! Giant spider hand!
March 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Oh, sweetie! Your mom doesn’t want you to feel bad when no one buys it. When my 5-year-old held a yard sale with the garbage she found in her bedroom, then cried when no one came, I bought her crap. I gave her enough money to buy nachos, and she gave me scraps of construction paper and broken McDonald’s toys. I DO NOT VALUE THOSE THINGS. If your mom actually values your painting, it’s because it was your first, so a reproduction wouldn’t be the same. Let your mom keep the original. She loves you.
March 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm
I love that she says in her profile that she IS FlittingDream and if we know her by any other name, keep that info to ourselves because from now on, she’s anonymous. Except for that picture of her smoking that she has on a site seen by millions. She can also cut and braid hair and make quilts and clothes BUT NOT IN THE NORMAL WAY. Sort of like how my five year old holds scissors with two hands and upside down. Come to think of it, my daughter can cut and braid hair too. For five hundred bucks I’ll draw a picture of it.
March 15, 2012 at 5:34 pm
And to keep me on track, why not send me $500 now just for the hell of it?
March 15, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Bah! She needs to think bigger. Screw Etsy–419 scams are the way to go.
March 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm
I kind of actually liked her sketch. http://www.etsy.com/listing/95158920/basilica-sancti-petri-1
She’s a teenager, her head will eventually shrink down to average size. (We hope.)
March 16, 2012 at 4:01 am
I wish. Looking at her “About” thing:
(Insert at least three dozen inane “I” statements, example: I plan to travel the world as soon as I can. I want to promote goodness and kindness. I want to be an art teacher.)
And then:
I plan to do everything. That’s why I dropped out of college. College only ever restricted me. I don’t have a degree to prove that I can do anything. You just have to trust me.
HERE LET ME JUST GIVE YOU 500 DOLLARS FOR OPEN HEART SURGERY. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, RIGHT?
March 16, 2012 at 8:59 am
Come on, you just have to trust me. But more importantly give me money.
March 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm
If she dropped a zero, she might sell that one.
This one, on the other hand… http://www.etsy.com/listing/95160092/yarned-out?ref=v1_other_1 She says she took it with a crappy camera, used a crappy editing program on it, none of it is in focus, but it’s $100. Plus shipping. And of course the size and the frame can make it cost more.
March 15, 2012 at 1:20 pm
The plate is now listed at $12. Maybe they were just SUPER drunk when they put that one up. I hope.
The “artist” makes me angry, even more so after I read the rest of the listing. F you in your jerk face, bitch. “send me $500 for some shit I haven’t actually started and also if you could suggest how to do it, that would be good too.”
March 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm
“… but I’m SUPER excited about not having a clue how to do this so if you could please help me and my mom out, this project will be totally worth it once I figure out what it will actually be. All rights reserved and patent pending and stuff!!”
March 15, 2012 at 1:29 pm
“….but make sure you send the downpayment quick, ’cause I owe my mom a SHITLOAD of money, and if I don’t pay her back soon, she’s going to cut off my internet and make me get a job.”
March 15, 2012 at 1:48 pm
“… and she’ll make me move out of her basement.”
March 16, 2012 at 6:01 am
I think Buzzkill and Beeby might have hit the nail right on the head.
March 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm
She won’t be committed or motivated if you don’t send her $500 in advance. Also, she’s not so good with financial decisions. Or photography, or writing. But you can definitely trust her to give you something worth $10,000 eventually.
March 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm
A kidney perhaps?
March 15, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Certainly not a lung.
March 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I wonder how many other Etsy listings are the result of altered states and access to a glue gun…
March 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm
She says she wrote for like, EIGHT hours one night in college, which, to me, says “I got some super good weed one night in college.” Congrats, you wrote for an average work day. Achievement unlocked.
March 16, 2012 at 6:05 am
When I was young and in school, I’d write for 8 hours at a stretch all the time. Given, it was called “ignoring all your assignments until the end of the week and doing them all at once on the day before they were due.”
March 16, 2012 at 7:24 am
Yeah, in college, I took an experimental class called “Artists and Writers in Collaboration”. We did this sort of shit. Boy, I must be pretty slow, I threw away the inane drap we producted.
March 16, 2012 at 7:24 am
*produced
March 15, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Or they snorted too many lines of glitter.
March 15, 2012 at 4:38 pm
ALL of the best ones are the result of altered states, a glue gun, some glitter and a few random gears, feathers or dead things.
March 15, 2012 at 2:28 pm
I figured the plate had to be a typo. I’m hoping the wire rose is, too.
March 15, 2012 at 3:57 pm
Oh, come on. You don’t give $10,000 hostess gifts? What kind of guest are you?
March 15, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Oh, Hi, koalli! I’m having a small party at my house this weekend…just a few close friends…
March 15, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Maybe he had overpriced the extra scratches? Tortured artist or tortured merchandise?
March 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Typing – you’re doing it wrong.
With your foreheed or elbow, by the looks.
March 15, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Oh, for fuck’s sake, people. “Namaste” is a greeting, not a farewell. Use your stolen, hipster words correctly. Then maybe I’ll listen to your social commentary on how your scrap-wire coat-hangers beautify the trash bins of the people you think give a damn about you or your “art.”
Go shit on a fire ant hill.
March 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Namaste to you.
March 15, 2012 at 1:25 pm
I believe you mean “nameste.”
March 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Na-mess-te, amirite?
Ohhh puns.
March 15, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Numb-ass-day.
March 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm
I don’t give a rat’s ass how it’s spelled, because I don’t go around bastardizing other cultures’ spiritual greetings.
March 15, 2012 at 1:34 pm
God bless you.
March 15, 2012 at 1:43 pm
THAT one is my culture.
March 15, 2012 at 3:41 pm
Live long and prosper.
March 16, 2012 at 6:06 am
Nanoo-nanoo.
March 15, 2012 at 2:32 pm
na-nasty? nyah-nyah-nyah-maste?
March 15, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Nahh, must stay.
March 16, 2012 at 5:47 am
Nice…
March 15, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Of course, “Namaste, Bitches” is a form of farewell. A flouncey one.
March 15, 2012 at 1:21 pm
If I can really drive that bed around, it’s a freaking bargain.
March 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Especially if you own a ranch home in a flood zone in December.
March 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm
In my neck of the woods, we’ve had two Zamboni drivers arrested for DWI in the past 6 months. Perhaps one of them is trying to make bail.
March 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Were they driving drunk on the Zamboni at the time? And if so, was it on the ice, or open road?
March 15, 2012 at 1:49 pm
I like a pristine ice surface on my winter roads.
March 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm
You can’t make this shit up…and the Coen brothers don’t have to. We live it.
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/apple-valley-minnesota-zamboni-driver-arrested-apparent-rink-145530006.html
March 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm
You either live in the best place ever or the worst place ever. I am in awe.
March 15, 2012 at 1:57 pm
It’s both. Just depends on whether you’re here in July or January.
March 15, 2012 at 3:28 pm
that is so awesome
March 15, 2012 at 1:21 pm
I suppose I can see the price on the giant shoe sculpture. That can’t be inexpensive to produce.
The unicorn horn-penis-social-commentary, on the other hand…
March 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Plus, it was on a few episodes of a TV series. Wonder if there is a CofA and what Rick would pay for it.
March 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Yeah, but that show was “Charmed” so I think it would lower the value actually…
March 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Shhhhh, don’t let Alyssa Milano’s lawyer hear you say that…
March 15, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I really wish they’d included stills from the episodes mentioned.
March 15, 2012 at 2:17 pm
That ‘State of Affairs’ social commentary piece looks like it has literally just been pulled out of someone’s ass.
March 15, 2012 at 2:42 pm
That’s the part that makes it spot-on as a social commentary on the state of affairs, actually.
March 16, 2012 at 12:07 am
The shoe sculpture also looks like it could be used for multiple things like: artsy stripper pole, fun slide, chair with neck support, fetish dungeon decor…
Also, if it appeared on T.V. wouldn’t it be better marketing to show that picture instead of a ginger mouth-breather?
March 16, 2012 at 4:00 am
It’s already being used as a stripper pole, and the Ginger-in-condom was the best part of the listing.
March 15, 2012 at 1:21 pm
“Please pay a ridiculous amount for something that I haven’t done yet, because I owe my mom a lot of money”.
I admire her honesty.
Also:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhd-LH0CKg
the first 25 seconds are apropos.
March 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
State of Affairs, AKA Why I HATE most modern art with a passion.
Pretentious bullshit that looks like a butt plug, or possibly the dick of a water buffalo.
*rants on for a while in the corner*
March 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Water buffalo dicks are WAY more impressive. A water buffalo dick would use that thing as a toothpick.
March 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Water buffalo dicks have TEETH?
March 15, 2012 at 1:35 pm
You do NOT want to mess with a water buffalo!
March 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Speak for yourself.
March 15, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Everybody wants a water buffalo!
March 15, 2012 at 5:20 pm
@Maple – yours is fast but mine is slow?
March 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
What I want to know is what hockey player wanted the Zamboni bed, and why didn’t they take delivery of it? Maybe the flashing light kept them up at night…
March 15, 2012 at 2:39 pm
I figured it was a repo.
March 15, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Did u see that episode of repo wars, too?
March 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Even if I had a baby ostrich, I wouldn’t buy a stroller for it.
March 15, 2012 at 1:42 pm
I know who would.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/86380907/mrs-peacock-vintage-5×7-print
p.s. This Etsy shop is my obsession du jour.
March 15, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Oh, damn you to hell. I can’t decide which one to buy.
March 15, 2012 at 2:32 pm
You’re welcome & nameste, bitch.
March 15, 2012 at 2:55 pm
Oh damn, that shop really is made of awesome.
March 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm
I just bought a print of “Ramsey”. Suck it, FJLs!
March 15, 2012 at 2:36 pm
Well, you can’t expect it to FLY anywhere. Sheesh.
March 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm
You can get a cheap Emu knock-off at Walmart.
March 15, 2012 at 4:31 pm
I’m really in the market for a cheap Emo knock-off. Know where I can pick up one of those, cheap?
March 15, 2012 at 5:20 pm
http://gocryemokid.memebase.com/
March 15, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Dang it, Mugsy – I went to give you a thumbs up and accidently thumbed down. My apologies!
March 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Darn, darn darn, I was scrolling through here, just waiting to write that!!!
March 15, 2012 at 3:00 pm
(The buying a stroller for the baby ostrich comment)
March 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Damn, 800 x 100000 = $80m and they can’t afford a better photographer?
March 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm
A crayon drawing would work just as well.
March 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Obviously the Colorado Avalanche player gave it back after he found out the bed actually didn’t double as a Zamboni.
March 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
This oddly makes me feel better about my own delusions of grandeur. =p
March 15, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Yeah, I think these should all be labeled ‘bipolar, in grandiose phase’.
March 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Who the fuck thinks mink would be a good material for any object intended to hold a small person who tends to pee, shit, and throw up at the slightest whim?
March 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Whomever dresses Tila Tequilla and Snookie?
March 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm
A dry cleaner?
March 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm
I’m not going to lie — I want that Zamboni bed like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe s/he ought to be marketing it to Canadians. Canadians love them some hockey.
March 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm
Make sure to mention the TV mounted on the top and back of the bottom bunk, so you can both watch “Monday Night Hockey”.
March 15, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Ahem, “Hockey Night in Canada”.
March 15, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Cute babies can’t spell, but awwwwww, cute babies!
March 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm
I’m not Canadian, nor do I like hockey, but I would LOVE to have that bed!!! I would even pay that price if it included shipping. And if I had the money. Or the room to put the bed …
March 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm
As a jealous loser who own all episodes of Charmed on DVD….I’m still confident that the shoe is overpriced.
(and I don’t even remember what episodes featured it)
March 15, 2012 at 1:26 pm
After doing some research, I’ve found it appears in ONE episode and not several.
That’s right, I obviously have way too much time on my hands.
March 15, 2012 at 2:46 pm
http://www.brucegray.com/htmlfolder/html_subpages/charmed.html
I used google and in less than a minute found his website where he details out when and where you can see the monstrosity.
March 15, 2012 at 8:15 pm
No worries, I remember that one too.
March 15, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Does the red shoe sculpture come with the sex slave pictured in the photo? Because if that’s the case, 24 G’s is a steal.
March 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Only if it includes the penicillin shot.
March 16, 2012 at 12:45 am
You could go for the zamboni bed with a bimboni.
March 15, 2012 at 1:26 pm
That bunkbed is really fucking cool, if I were rich I’d probably pay that much for it.
March 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
The only one even remotely worth the asking price is the Zamboni bed. But really, can you put a price on something that awesome?
Yes. And that price is $13K.
March 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
If I had it, I’d send $500 to that “artistic” kid’s mother as a sympathy donation…
March 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
I will accept that the state of world affairs can be summarised as a symbolic dick ejaculating on itself, however; I cannot accept that this is how to solve any of the world’s problems. Nor can I accept that this is worth more than 50 bucks.
March 15, 2012 at 3:03 pm
hey, i’ll make you one if you’re willing to give me $50 for it!
March 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Is it just me or is asking $100,000 for a shitty bunch of tangled, colored wire (of which 800 are supposedly floating around the world, apparently for free) particularly ballsy?
March 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm
The crafter didn’t have the balls to call it a social comment on abortion, so not ballsy enough in my opinion.
March 15, 2012 at 1:49 pm
I didn’t realize there was a social commentary on abortion to the shitty wire rose. Do I need to stick my head out of my house now and then?
March 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Just looked like someone’s wire hanger collection got dropped in the garbage disposal. Too soon?
March 15, 2012 at 2:48 pm
*lol* More like “medical waste bucket”
March 15, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Then men in my family have been in the telephone business for decades. We have miles and miles of phone wire. My brother makes wire sculptures from it. He makes the most fantastic Ferris Wheels and Viking Ships. The Ferris Wheel took him 130 hours, and he sold it for $50.00. This POS rose is CRAP!
March 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm
That’s awful! I think a wire Ferris wheel would be oh-so-much cooler than this shitty rose and worth a helluva lot more than 50 bucks! Tell him to start an Etsy shop, he’d be able to retire early.
March 15, 2012 at 2:36 pm
I actually did, after seeing this post. I called him, sent him a link to all the “wire sculpture art” on Etsy. His best item, in my opinion, is his Viking Ships. There are none on Etsy, so I told him to get out of the bar (really – that is where he is), go home and start on a ship! I’m thinking $130 for it.
March 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Start at $200 what’s the worst that happens?
March 15, 2012 at 2:56 pm
Ohhh more:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/72450870/micro-pup
http://www.etsy.com/listing/81283853/silverware-bowl-medium
March 15, 2012 at 6:17 pm
That silverware bowl is awesome!
March 15, 2012 at 1:29 pm
When I see listings like these, I always hope that someone did a type with the decimal point.
Makes me feel loads better on my pricing!
March 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm
Someone really likes the state of affairs.
March 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm
The Butt plug – A socio political commentary, comrades we have all been shafted, hence the world wide butt hurt.. wtf!
March 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm
I kind of like that shoe sculpture even though it costs about $10,000 more than my car. I mean, it’s not like I will ever afford it or be able to put it anywhere.
March 15, 2012 at 1:37 pm
you could put it on your car… just think of the value you’ll ad :]
March 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Umm, so I want to be an artist but I don’t know how to like draw or paint or whatever but I’m totally going be to be like the guy who painted all those pictures of Marilyn Monroe and stuff, so you should buy my painting. It’s $164,120, which is the cost of SVA undergrad plus living expenses. Oh, actually it’s $164,670 because I need to sign up for this 101 pastel class so I have something to submit in my sva application packet. You’ll have ur painting in 4 years!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! I take paypal.
March 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm
You had me until you said Paypal….I won’t give those bastards one red cent.
March 15, 2012 at 1:34 pm
We’re still playing “Etsy or Regretsy”, right?
March 15, 2012 at 5:12 pm
Dang, you beat me to it. But I’m still gonna guess.
squashed mirco-kitten — Regretsy
ugly smoking photo — Regrestsy
garage sale plate — Regretsy
pseudo-zamboni bed — Regretsy
shoe fetish sculpture — Regretsy
stroller for ostriches — Regretsy
phallic state of affairs — Regretsy
metal upchuck rose — Regretsy.
That was easy! What did I win?
March 15, 2012 at 7:19 pm
It’s Regretsy remember? No one wins.
March 15, 2012 at 10:58 pm
In this case, I think we all lose…
March 15, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I had to see these Etsy pages. Flat miniture cat artist must have a very poor grasp on exchange rates. I remain oddly fascinated. The glass place seller; perhaps a momentary bout of palsy?
March 15, 2012 at 2:41 pm
All the sellers are located in Zimbabwe.
March 15, 2012 at 1:35 pm
“I am Flitting Dream. If you know me by any other name, please keep that to yourself. My presence on the internet and in the world from now on is anonymous and open at the same time.”
LOVE IT
“I am KJ. If you know me by any other name, it’s a good chance we slept together. My presence on the internet and in the world from now on is anonymous (if I owe you money) and open (if you are good in bed, and at vacuuming) at the same time.”
March 15, 2012 at 1:49 pm
I plan to do everything. That’s why I dropped out of college. College only ever restricted me. I don’t have a degree to prove that I can do anything. You just have to trust me.
This is the cover letter for all of my future job applications.
March 15, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Cover letter? Hell, I’m having that gold embossed on business cards!
March 15, 2012 at 4:21 pm
A tattoo would be easier/save time.
March 15, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Might be awkward if you’re heavily inked and your butt is the only open “canvas” available. :-\
March 15, 2012 at 2:09 pm
It’s amazing how many words a person can use to say “I lose at life and I haven’t figured it out yet.”
March 15, 2012 at 2:20 pm
As several ex-employees of mine prove, HAVING a degree doesn’t prove you can DO anything.
March 16, 2012 at 12:35 am
My degree proves I definitely can do one thing: gradyate from college. Oncet. Hire me?
March 16, 2012 at 5:51 am
If I ever need to hire someone to graduate from college, you’ll be the first person I call.
March 15, 2012 at 4:22 pm
I bet people who were too “restricted” to be able to ever go to college would really sympathize,
March 15, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
March 15, 2012 at 4:28 pm
I expected to be thumbed down, but it’s the truth – no slam on Regretsy. I will now be thumbs-downed into oblivion.
March 15, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Do you WANT to be thumbed down into oblivion? Be careful what you wish for, ’cause we gang up for a cause or a reason, it’s not pretty.
March 15, 2012 at 11:39 pm
Yes, Mugsy – I have felt the wrath of the fat jealous ones – I don’t want it but I will always take it in good humor. Maybe I am a masochist after all, like all the doctors said…
March 15, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Wow that potter person really thinks a lot of him/herself.
“Think George Ohr. World famous work that is going to not only appreciate in value but will skyrocket I guarantee it! Buy from the greatest art potter of your age!!!”
I’m really considering buying something. I mean if someone thinks that highly of themselves surely they will succeed… right?
March 15, 2012 at 11:01 pm
In this case, they think so highly of themselves, nobody else has to.
March 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Ooo I can’t choose may need to get them all
March 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm
This has been known to happen from time to time. The shear amount of steampunk watches available on Etsy has created a sort of gravitational and relativistic disturbance, which acts as a concave prism which focuses a beam of pure irony onto the fabric of space-time. As a result a vagina shaped worm-hole, which is totally vegan and OOAK, has been torn into the fabric of space-time, allowing people to see listing of both the past and the future.
While, the prices may seem ridiculously over-priced from our prospective in the whole craftspace timeline, it is important to realize that the America during the actual listing of these objects isn’t the America we now love and know. These are future listings. In that America, the dollar has deflated due to the constant economic pressures of Chinese resalers, which have come to rule America with an iron fist. ALL HAIL ANNE. LONG LIVE TOOFASHION2010!!!
March 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm
I delight in the irony of selling Depression Glass for $10,500.
March 16, 2012 at 2:18 am
It would have been perfect for the Fauxbo Wedding!
March 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm
I also want that zamboni bed. Maybe we can all make a contribution and have it as a time share.
March 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm
That’s the first ever tragicraft I’ve seen inspired by this:
March 15, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Screw you! I just peed a little laughing so hard!
March 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Heheh, so what you’re saying is that the warm feeling you experienced WASN’T mirth?
March 15, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I would take that back to the Cat Store for a refund.
March 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm
My cat just promised to devour my soul because I laughed at this so hard.
March 15, 2012 at 2:17 pm
He’d probably devour your soul, anyway.
March 15, 2012 at 2:18 pm
This photo cracked me up, and now I’m embarrassed, and even though you never would have known that had I not told you, I will now explain why:
Years ago, one of our cats, Gizmo, fell asleep (or passed out drunk, we’re not sure) in the road and was squashed by a garbage truck. It was obviously instantaneous death…and what more can any of us hope for? My son had to scrape him off the pavement and into a plastic bag.
As I stood by, my son dug a hole by the fence, between two rose bushes. After he stood from relieving Gizmo of his plastic shroud, he wiped a tear and said, “Well, I guess the cat is out of the bag.”
I’m sure our neighbors came to their windows to stare at us, laughing over this poor, smashed cat in a hole, but I couldn’t see a thing. Or, maybe you had to be there…
March 15, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Not enough thumbs for this…
March 15, 2012 at 2:47 pm
You have obviously done a superb job raising your son. Kudos! And sorry about little Gizmo.
March 15, 2012 at 3:18 pm
that’s so awful lol
March 15, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Ah, the birth of a Regretsian.
March 15, 2012 at 3:16 pm
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March 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm
For $50 I will sign an oath NEVER to open an Etsy store.
That’s a bargain, compared to this other shit.
March 15, 2012 at 2:38 pm
I’m in! For another $50.00, I’ll even buy more tequila!
March 15, 2012 at 4:27 pm
I’ll take $5 to agree to never ~craft~ with anything that came from my body.
March 15, 2012 at 1:41 pm
The kitten looks strangly like Winnie the Poo if he was flattened as road kill..The Avalanche Zamboni bed is pretty cool if you’re kid is into Zamboni’s and the Avalanche.
March 15, 2012 at 1:44 pm
*runs off to add extra 0′s to all her listings.
Clearly I am under priced
or, I need to list while inebriated more often!
March 15, 2012 at 2:07 pm
I shall have to ask my tax preparer housemate how one might write booze off as a business expense. I might not be seeing her for a month though.
March 15, 2012 at 2:20 pm
“I might not be seeing her for a month.”
Does that mean you or she won’t be around each other for a month or that you’ll be blind drunk for a month?
March 15, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Or does that mean you are expecting 30 days of jail time as a result of your drunkenness?
March 15, 2012 at 2:41 pm
She’ll be chained to a desk for the next month and quite possibly drunk enough to be invisible.
March 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Oh My Goodness:
State of Affairs
Hersky’s Shop Announcement
Think George Ohr. World famous work that is going to not only appreciate in value but will skyrocket I guarantee it! Buy from the greatest art potter of your age!!!
Is that a money back guarantee?
March 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Okay, so I think I might need the plate, and here’s why:
March 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Because the one already in your microwave cracked.
March 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm
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March 16, 2012 at 5:56 am
…and the Totally Missed The Point Award goes to….
March 19, 2012 at 10:54 am
Me! That image was totally not visible when I first loaded the page and I expected the empty list of reasons was intentional by way of humor.
March 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm
I could swear I’ve seen State of Affairs on TV too… but I don’t think it was on “Charmed”.
March 15, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I’d dig the Zamboni bed if it was in Canadiens colours maybe.
March 15, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I want that bed. now if only I had money to blow… I’m lying, even if I had the money I wouldn’t part with it for a bed.
March 15, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Are we playing Etsy or Regretsy again? This round is hard!
March 15, 2012 at 2:07 pm
I’ll make you prettier wire roses in any color you want for only $700 each. How’s THAT for a bargain??
March 15, 2012 at 2:13 pm
if there are 800 out there, why would I spend 100,000 on number 801? I’m sure I could find one cheaper on craisglist, from some girl who broke up with the loser who gave it to her.
Or, if he charged that much for each, and has made 80,000,000, then bye bye husband, helloooooo wire musician!
March 16, 2012 at 5:58 am
I’m sure the first 800 were priced at about a penny each (what’s the minimum price you can put on an etsy item?) and the seller bought them. Then the seller raised the price to make it look like they had actually sold that many at that price. Lame marketing trick at best, but there is always one person who will freaking buy ANYTHING at any price you slap on it if they think it’s trendy.
March 15, 2012 at 2:15 pm
The first one is underpriced, if you ask me, and I don’t see why people are being so mean.
It’s rare for kittens to be able to make miniatures at all, so what if it isn’t perfect?
March 15, 2012 at 2:22 pm
The etsy seller of the State of Affairs should just sit on it. The little miniature kitten looks like it was originally a lint kitten that got run over by a hot wheels.
March 15, 2012 at 2:23 pm
The dish, at least, is just twelve bucks now.
I guess I’d hazard a guess that /some/ people set the prices impossibly high temporarily for certain reasons…? Maybe to make sure no one buys it while they acquire it or… something? Or even just a typo or malfunction in the system? Hm.
March 15, 2012 at 2:38 pm
If you haven’t gone and read the “Lightening Bug Ballet” story you NEED to. It is in the item’s description on the Etsy page.
Right now.
Go.
…
Soooo, I am pretty sure that this person is doing some art thing based on that… my favourite part is where she uses “realer” – like it’s a real word. I really don’t think she was being ironic. Which is kind of sad.
Also: 8 whole hours to come up with that one college night? At least copious amounts of pot explains the rambling “story”… but not the delusions of grandeur.
March 15, 2012 at 11:08 pm
It seems that all of her “artwork” was produced her freshman year of high school. But the story is from college. No wonder she dropped out of college…her best years are already behind her.
March 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Based on what she’s charging, I’m guessing she owes Mom about…$15,850.
This is what happens when kids grow up being told everything they do is amazeballs.
March 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm
The stained buttplug political commentary shocked me most of all. I guess I have not been on here enough lately. Time to revert to the archives for a refresher course on fuckery!
March 15, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Ok, so I’ve been staring at that first one for awhile now, and have a question.
I know it sez, “kitty” but it isn’t. What the fuck is that thing? What is it made of? What is it’s purpose? Is that a hanger on it? Is it meant to hang? It isn’t a kitty, it ain’t art, I don’t know what it is for or how it was made or what from, and it is driving me crazy.
Ok, so it is several questions. But really? WTF is it?
March 15, 2012 at 3:07 pm
It’s art. Since it’s dated 1998, it’s classic art!
March 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Yep. It’s Art with a capital F.
March 15, 2012 at 3:11 pm
Okay the bunk-beds are kind of amazing
March 15, 2012 at 3:25 pm
If i have kids they are so getting this
March 15, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Am I the only one who would get the Zamboni bunk beds for my kids, if I ever have any, if:
1. They had the logo of a DECENT team.
2. The cost were knocked down by oh, let’s say, 14 grand?
March 15, 2012 at 4:15 pm
they have to not understand where to put a decimal. None of these things are worth the prices!
March 15, 2012 at 5:02 pm
$24,000 for just one shoe? That’s $48,000 a pair!!!
Better not tell her how much her shoes cost or she’ll step on you.
March 15, 2012 at 5:27 pm
The $100,000 covers “wire, and my time pulled away from other projects I should be working on.” Presumably, the wire is unobtainium and the other projects are intergalactic mining and bioengineering telekinetically-operated smurf puppets.
March 15, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Oh lordy lordy lord. I’ve just read “Lightning Bug Ballet”.
I don’t doubt for a minute that it was written in college.
I long to lift my feet from the mud that binds me to the hard ground. To be out in the heart of the insect galaxy, standing next to you in its disk. To feel all that you feel. To be part of everything. From my habitat I crave your bliss, the Eden that only my wanting has ever conceived.
Yeah.
I don’t much mind her coining the word “realer” — she’s obviously trying to be poetic. Except that “more real” would actually have sounded better.
March 16, 2012 at 6:36 am
Ooh, baby…I crave you buzzing around my hymenoptera.
March 16, 2012 at 7:43 am
Word of the Flies?
March 15, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Oh dear lord in heaven. What the hell is wrong with these people?! I am flabbergasted
March 15, 2012 at 6:52 pm
OK, seriously, I cannot pass up this girl’s offer. $10,000 for…something. I wonder if she’ll take it on an installment plan? Hell, never mind the $10,000 art. She can work on $100,000, no, $1 million art, and I’ll just keep paying her installments of like a few hundred a month. I wonder if she’d go for that? She produces art “eventually.” And I just hand her cash.
Wonder if she accepts PayPal. Wonder if PayPal would even give her the money without freezing it…
March 15, 2012 at 7:17 pm
I’m going to give the cake plate idiot a pass and assume they don’t understand American currency. Decimal misplaced by several places.
And I’m just sorry…but the Zamboni bed is FUCKING BAD ASS and I would totally waste $13,000 on that if I were shamelessly rich. And then I’d go pay someone else to paint it Penguins colors.
March 15, 2012 at 11:25 pm
Apparently it can be painted in any team colors.
March 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm
I read an excerpt from “the lightning bug ballet”. Rather unfortunate wording: “The draft sets aglow the pulse of a thousand lightning bugs buzzing about in your cavity.” I (personally) prefer nothing “buzzing around” in any cavity of mine. But that’s just me.
March 15, 2012 at 11:23 pm
Well…maybe a vibrator?
March 16, 2012 at 8:21 am
Okay, so one exception!
March 15, 2012 at 7:29 pm
NAMESTE, BETCHES!
March 15, 2012 at 7:53 pm
1) For $24K, the bimbo model had best be included.
2) “A socio-political commentary on the current state of affairs as a means to blah blah blah…” = “I spilled some lead paint and other shit on my giant dildo, but maybe some idiot will purchase it on Etsy”
3) “I made over 800 of these that are circulating planet all for love of art…” Really? And only for the 801st piece you decided to start doing it for $100,000.00 instead? Nothing says “worth 100K” more than “a piece of wire crap reproduced 800 times already and passed out for free”. Man, I’d pay to see the look on the guy’s face who buys this when he meets someone who got the exact same artwork as a freebie.
March 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm
So, are you supposed to make your little brother sleep upright in the Zamboni driver seat?
March 15, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Business plan: Sell things for target customer group consisting of Bill Gates having a psychotic episode. Unlikely? Yes. Impossible? No.
March 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm
I can’t believe you chose the first picture over the second picture of that giant shoe.
March 16, 2012 at 4:14 am
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March 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm
Ooooooh! I know where the shoe should be! In my town of Henderson NC! It is the perfect complement to this:
March 15, 2012 at 10:05 pm
“Here is the original writing piece. I wrote it one night at college and spent about 8 hours finding the right words.”
Translation: Thesaurus.com
March 16, 2012 at 12:01 am
I bought a cake plate just like that for $7 at Goodwill. But I thought it’d be worth AT LEAST $30,000. It doesn’t have any minor scratches, you know.
March 16, 2012 at 12:33 am
I started playing a drinking game with myself as I scrolled down one by one. A shot for every listing that increases in a price that is as ridiculous as the listing itself.
Only did I realize at the second to last listing that it was your intention all along to post them in such an order. Thank you.
March 16, 2012 at 12:51 am
“If you, dear reader, aren’t ready to commit to giving me $10,000 for something I *promise* I’m going to make based on my writing, just check out my portrait of my dog for $300.”
March 16, 2012 at 7:24 am
Heey, I have a dildo just like that! Only it was about 500 times cheaper.
March 16, 2012 at 7:53 am
Clicked on the stoller link out of curiosity on what else could possibly be in their shop and stumbled on this beaut: “Genuine Python Baby Basket with organic cotton and two vitage one of a kind brooches.”
TWO VITAGE OOAK brooches! What a steal for only $5800 plus $450 shipping!
March 16, 2012 at 10:04 am
Gotta admit, if I had money to burn I’d buy my kid a genuine viperskin baby basket, if only for the potential super powers.
Some of the things in that shop are gorgeous though, especially the baby “envelopes”. With the sort of “Eastern European Royalty” theme they’ve got going on, I could see the upper echelons of society lapping this shit up. Or even us normies, as a hilariously impractical but insanely awesome heirloom…
…but I have to be honest, my first thought upon clicking on their profile was “of course they’re goddamn Russian. Of course“.
March 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Screw that flattened kitten – there were times when I’d have paid $10k just for the match. Like when I had a full pack of smokes and nothing to light them with while I was driving down the freeway and the next exit was thirty-fucking-three miles away.
March 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Oh, god, “State of Affairs” looks like something from a very, very niche sex toy site
March 18, 2012 at 12:02 am
Oh, dear, “State of Affairs” seems to have pretty low self-esteem.
March 19, 2012 at 10:16 am
Holy fucking ass crackers Batman! The steel one I could still see being that high, good quality steel is quite expensive and it’s a little more “artisan” … but seriously, the wire rose … I make that shit when I’m bored at home … are you telling me there’s a million dollars sitting on my shelf?!
March 20, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Doesn’t the “Statue of current political affairs” Look alot like a rhino horn, soaked to straighten, with a bit of wax on it to help mask that fact?
Perhaps its an ingenious way of selling illegal animal parts, while giving oneself enough traceable “legitimacy” as an artist that they can then pay taxes and have their money in full, without having to launder it.
July 30, 2012 at 7:07 pm
That’s got to be the tiniest dead hamster I’ve ever seen… My grandma has a plate like that too – and.. I wish I hadn’t looked at that Avalanche bed… Now my Hubs wants one. Sigh. He’s asking if the steering wheel honks too.