- Submitted by Satanica Batcakes
The Penis Pack can be worn at the waist, as a shoulder bag and at least 1000 yards from a school.
The last photo of him reaching his hand into the ball sack was the most disturbing one for me.
At least he wasn’t reaching up the urethra…?
That’s where he stores his pen.
That’s the only thing that would make this stiff.
That, and a nice pair of extra large Neuticles® to plump up that pack.
That’s where he stores his pen? So you’re saying that’s where his …pen is?
That’s where he keeps Pen 15.
I think the most disturbing is how nasty pasty white and freckly he is. That dude is a firecrotch. So why the black ball sack?
The black ones are bigger.
Firecrotch? That sounds like a good reason to visit the doctor.
That sounds like someone’s Pagan name…
Everyone’s got a dream.
Nevermind the black ball sack, what’s up with the green stripes?!?!
representing the Jamaican flag mon.
Figures a ginger would hawk something like that.
For some reason that photo made me think of my vasectomy
It’s the needles.
A vasectomy gone horribly bad, look at the rotting tissue around the shaft! That doctor had terrible aim and dirty instruments.
Well, it is important to do testicular self-examines…
It is so obvious that this is needed because they already have a fanny pack. It’s not fair to discriminate.
Just don’t get your Penis Pack stuck in your fanny pack…unless you’re into that sort of thing.
In some places, like Australia, “fanny” refers to lady-bits. Or, as one local shouted to me in exasperation, “It means yer front bum!”
My mom referred to it as the “little butt” when I was really young. She’s obviously neglected to tell me about the Australian heritage lurking somewhere withing the family tree.
Did WHO say “penis pack”? This person is having audial hallucinations, and they’re all saying “penis pack”, and that would be tragic if it weren’t the greatest thing ever.
All the voices in MY head ever say are “burn down the building.”
Whenever I’ve heard the words “penis” and “pack” together before, it has not been in reference to a knitted item.
I tend to think FtM aide, not ugly crochet bag. But, wth do I know. If I wanted a penis pack, I’d head on over to Babeland.
If I were FtM, I would not want a droopy penis. Kinda misses the point.
They make “packers” that go from relaxed (to pass as the real deal in public) that are also able to be used to give a good shag. I mean…that’s what I’ve heard.
Kiki- a company in Germany is currently working tirelessly to bring the FtM community a packer that not only looks, feels, and hangs just like the real thing, but we can pee through it while standing up. It will attach with prosthetic adhesive and remain in place without a harness for days, possibly weeks at a time. SCIENCE MARCHES ON.
It will also cost at least 300 Euros. If I had the money, they’d be free to shut up and take it.
Now I’m thinking of Chris O’Donnell as an FtM on “Two and a Half Men.”
“They’re made of Teflon!”
That was my first thought. I’ve got a couple of FtM friends, and all I could think was “Funny, that doesn’t look like the picture Alex posted on Tumbler.’
A *should* bag? As in “SHOULD I really be wearing this in public pubic?”
Or it could be Freudian derp, as in “I should bag this whole idea.”
Freudian Derp is my new favorite phrase. It sounds more like what I do, since “slip” implies some level of intended grace.
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It’s kind of like the Won’t White Chocolate, only with more hair:
I see your overcompensation is a knitted penis pack.
You know….most men just buy a Hummer.
Compare and save!
Most men don’t buy hummers, silly, they beg for them.
Mine doesn’t. He’s very subtle about it. He rubs my back, gets me a bowl of ice cream, gives up the computer so I can play Skyrim…
I wonder if it’s available in smaller colors?
Excuse me seller, can you change the size of the color?
Hmmm, lemme guess. The tiny color is the one with freckles?
It’s also clearly circumcised. Wonder if there will be emails about the barbarianism of it all.
Breast bags for all/Circumcized penis packs for none
No, I bet they didn’t have the foreskin to anticipate that.
The first thing I thought when I saw the green and golden stripes was “It even comes with a free cockring, sweet!”
Made to order…Does that mean I can request a certain size/color? Can the artist work from pictures?
I was wondering how it can be “made to order” while the listing makes it sound like “they’ll all be black with multi-colored bands and you will like it.”
On the bright side, it’s entirely reversible as a turd worn in the back.
And if the tie’s too long, a hernia.
I wonder why the seller doesn’t offer it in flesh tones?
(insert comment about color coding your small/medium/large sizes)
Talk to Crayola about that.
Fill it full of coins and run!
Or not, and preserve your ability to have children some day.
A person who buys that should not reproduce.
Wearing something that emasculating, they probably couldn’t.
That is disturbing on so many levels.
I hope you’re female. Otherwise the feelings I’m having towards you would be uncomfortable.
Now I’ve got this stuck in my head
Why shouldn’t guys have a genital shaped pouch? Girls do, after all.
The vagina and uterus are not rectangular-ish and do not have zippers on them.
That depends on how into body modification you are. >>
Actually, it doesn’t.
And not nearly enough places to put your keys.
I totally should have had the doctor put in a zipper when she sliced me open to take the baby out. Then I wouldn’t have to ever answer the question about repeat c-section or VBAC again, I would just point to the zipper.
Why not just make it standard? It could be a fun mother-daughter activity- getting matching zipper surgery!
“Mommy, mine is blue, just like yours!”
“It sure is, sweetie! Go on, try it out!”
“Ewww, I can feel my tummy! -laughs-”
She’d've charged extra. Do you have any idea what a pain it is to sew in a zipper by hand? (Granted, it would have been worth it for the reactions).
No zipper: an oversight on Ma Nature’s part.
If my vagina and uterus had a zipper, delivering my first child, who was 10 lbs. 7 oz. would have not required a C-section. Maybe there is something to that thought.
It is true that a vagina pack would have a certain inherent logic to it.
A uterus shaped baby sling?
You are right. http://www.theanticraft.com/archive/imbolc07/snatchel.htm
Gotta love AntiCraft.
There needs to be an award for Best Link of the Day.
Damn. I’ve been hoping to find a knitting group in my area, but now, thanks to Erik at the link, my expectations have been set impossibly high. “Hi, can you folks knit and name a vagina bag without any pearl-clutching? No? Goodbye.”
Damn! I wish I’d thought of this! It’s my job to make Willie Warmers for all new male family members. (The position was passed on to me from my grandmother)
I just HAVE to make one for my dad.
It obviously came from the original Willie Warmer, and just updated for the times. Our grandmothers would be so proud!
Mine actually would be, if she were still here. She was a kick in the pants.
Makes me kinda proud – half the stuff here I KNOW either her or my dad would have fun with.
We have these all over Renaissance Faires – they are called codpieces. This is rather small and limp by comparison.
I bet it was large and stiff when she was knitting it, though.
I seem to remember reading somewhere that even back then, men were concerned with penis size. Bigger codpieces = perception that your junk is bigger. Kinda like stuffing a sock down your pants. Eventually they got so huge that men used to keep their change purses and food in them.
I’d like to think that the food was, in fact, pieces of cod.
I like to imagine eating some crotch-marinated fish from some 16th century dudes pants. Mmmm.
Or sporrans, if you’re Scottish.
I wonder how much it stretches. My bf’s gets quite saggy, looks like it would have a lot of room. I would hope that the penis pack would be true to life in that regard.
I would also like a pattern for it in crochet, please. I wanna put a beaded white tassel coming out the end.
Do a search for “Penis” on Ravelry. You could easily adapt a penis cozy (aka willie warmer) to this purpose. Or make a cozy for your bf to order. Just use a yarn and stitch with a lot of give (in knitting, I’d suggest a rib).
Ribbed, For her pleasure.
It’s meant to “lift and separate”.
“Tanglewood Designs” – BWAHAHAHAHA!
Order it in red and green for a special “Santa’s Sack” perfect for Christmas gifts!
This is far from a purl-fect idea.
Could be worse; could be crotch-eted…
That had me in stitches.
Well, he’s got to store his precious jewels someplace, amirite?
If I hid my fireworks in it, could I call it a crotch-rocket?
Add some different stitching and you could even call it a crochet-rocket.
I know some women I could buy this for. It would bring them an immense amount of satisfaction to finally have their own.
I would’ve knit the ballsack with fluffy, itchy yarn.
Oh it just begs to be knitted in a faux fur yarn. Or even an eyelash yarn that looks rather like pubic hair. Now that would be something I would have to buy.
Is it just me or is the…ahem… sack rather large in comparison?
Inguinal hernia big?
If it gets wet, wait until you get home before you wring it out.
Perfect gift for the men under the causeway!
Does she sell the pattern? Because I’m attending an event where this would make spectacular gifts.
I don’t think that “popular” is the word I would apply to fanny-packs. “Prevalent” maybe. “Obnoxious” would also work, as well as any variation on the “punch my face and steal my flab-purse, please” theme.
so freaking tacky
I’d agree, except I think this thing blew past “tacky” 10 miles ago doing 90Km/H.
So now all I need is a Bajingo Bag and I’ll be SET!!! Especially since for me, this would be a nap-sack…
and the first link has vulva tea… I was too afraid to click
IT’S LIKE MY DREAMS CAME TRUE!!! WITH EMPHASIS ON THE CAME!!!
hahahhahahahah i love how this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/85299906/ooak-circus-ragdoll-georgie-the-clown?ref=correlated_featured is listed as a “related item”
I saw that and immediately thought of John Wayne Gacy’s clown paintings. And, should Acid Bath reunite, that clown would make excellent album cover art.
Would she add some curly fringe bits on the bottom for a more au natural look?
Personally, I would like a nice saggy titty backpack.
And when you lie down, it would rest in your armpits.
It’s supposed to read, “may be worn at waist or as a SHOULDN’T bag.”
I think the penis should be made into some sort of water bottle holder.Maybe even with a straw that comes from the tip.
OMG WANT! I want to wear this thing to the mall, the store, and to the bar!
“Pleeaaase, baby! Let me put my penis pack in your fanny pack!”
The tacky copper cock ring and green discoloration really make this special.
Do you think when she was knitting the penis, the yarn on the balls turned blue?
Put a cell phone on vibrate in the penis section and it becomes almost functional!
There once was a woman from Washington
who sold knit penis one-by-one…
Jesus, when a knitting experiment goes south, just frog it out. Don’t smoke crack and keep knitting.
cuming soon: the “vulva valet pack”? Available in small (tween) and large (over 50)!
a 100% wool junk holder. SOMEONE doesnt have dingly bits.
“You spent so much time thinking about whether you COULD do it, you didn’t stop to think about whether you SHOULD do it!”
April, was this your dad in #5: http://www.11points.com/Music/11_Creepiest_Ventriloquist_Album_Covers_Ever?
Yes, and it is a super creepy album cover. My sister used to turn it to face the wall or she’d have nightmares.
I love how the dummy is giving your dad the side eye. Like, “You’re not looking for firewood, are you?…”
I think he’s saying “YOU READ TOO SLOW! TURN THE PAGE!”
LOL Jerry Mahoney was the master of the “side eye”.
Whatever. Thoreau went into the woods with an ax, your dad took a dummy. That’s cool.
Awesome! He really reminds me of somebody else, but I can’t figure out who…
wow – Winchell’s album cover is just so…normal and UNscary compared to the other Freudian frightfests on that list.
That “Amen” one is haunting me. *shudders*
Ditto. It reminds me of a troll doll my grandmother kept near the guestroom bed when I was a kid.
Now when I say “troll doll” I don’t mean the colorful little things old ladies stack around their bingo cards nowadays. This thing was gnarled, twisted, gray, and evil looking, with matted black hair and a long, curved nose with a bulbous tip. and it leaned on this curled little stick that was supposed to be a tree or something. It had amber colored nightmare eyes. It was deliciously creepy, in retrospect, but if you’re three and it’s watching you while you try to sleep, well – THAT’S the shit you remember for a lifetime.
The last thing I need is ANOTHER big black cock hanging between my legs! I mean seriously…
brings new meaning to “dirty hippie”
It feels like a companion piece (heh heh) to the crocheted tampons. I dunno, it makes me think that somewhere a sock monkey bled to death so that these black marketeers could callously turn a profit giving us a place to stash our pennies. Cue Sarah Maclachlan …
Crocheted sex toys are next.
“I SAID HARDER!” “I CAN’T! THEY USED A P15 CROCHET HOOK!”
Ooh, I’m having SUCH a craftingasm right now!
OH SURE! It’s okay with Etsy when MEN shave their junk.
ONLY. WHEN. THEY. ARE. NOT. CIRCUMCISED.
Fantastic! I’ve been looking for something to carry my penis collection around in!
I’m also glad they specified “Adult” in the title. Without that I may have bought some to hand out to the neighborhood kids.
I had been wondering what I could use as a hands-free solution to carry around my money, hotel keys, etc. in NYC this May that would be theft-proof. I loathed the idea of a fanny pack, and was afraid of purse-snatchers.
This would keep me safe from a mugging, for sure.
Ha! Don’t be so sure!
His typical sporin
Was gettin’ too borin’
So he made him a bawbag ‘n’ welt.
Celt…belt…too easy, Vicodin…
It’s time for YOU FINISH THE LIMERICK!
Och, in me ‘ead all dee loong…
But alas, when he traveled
The poor thing unraveled.
He should have just sewn it from felt*
*or pelt, take your pick.
…and.. another!!! use for Dead Squirrel Hide. A hybrid of sporan, codpiece and taxidermy – $50.00 made to order, hmmm….
“Did you say Penis Pack?”
No. No, I really, really, REALLY didn’t.
For realz, when I read “penis pack” I was thinking this was supposed to be some kind of crochet pseudo-phallus for “packing” for transmen. Kind of like those crocheted breasts for ladies who’ve had mastectomies.
I wish the description said it was crotcheted.
Is that a penis on your should or are you just a deluded fool?!?!?
…..waiting for “My Average Size Penis” guy to arrive………
The strap looks loose enough to slide to his? knees and trip him. Hopefully in traffic.
Warning: Do not wear Penis Pack as shown around avid Hacky Sack players. This may result in injury.
Huh. Well, everyone knows vagina packs can hold more stuff.
Is it bad that I want one?
It’s times like this, when I envision sending my five year-old daughter off to school wearing that abomination, that I realize: “this is probably why you’re not actually a parent”.
God help me should I change my mind.
Am I the only one who is kind of impressed that it really looks/hangs just like a penis?
Overlooking the fact that it er, looks and hangs like a penis…
No, you’re not. In fact, that was the first thing I noticed about it. Mad skills, that. If only the artist would use them for Good and not Evil…
When I worked in retail it was bad enough when women would reach in their nasty, sagging sweaty, boob sack excuses for bras and pull out some crumbled ones, this though would have put me over the edge. I would have said something or called security on his ass, and the guards we had would have loved to give him a good mind fucking.
In the summertime, it will hold $5 in coins, but in the winter, only about 17 cents.
Is there a Johnny Holme’s extension accessory?
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