Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine
- Submitted by Beth
Actual sample chapter:
Click here to buy your copy of Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine on Amazon
UPDATE:
UPDATE: Now in the top 100 on Kindle
UPDATE: And climbing
UPDATE: SWEET JESUS
305 comments on Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine
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March 6, 2012 at 9:33 am
At $2.99, that’s a bargain.
March 6, 2012 at 10:25 am
And as a Prime member, I FAP FOR FREE
March 6, 2012 at 10:42 am
Advertising genius at its best.
March 6, 2012 at 10:43 am
I am also a Prime member, but I worry what Amazon will think of me – and suggest next – if I download it.
March 6, 2012 at 10:52 am
perhaps a bedpan for your anal tearing?
March 6, 2012 at 11:18 am
My average sized penis and I both agree: definitely a buy!
March 6, 2012 at 11:25 am
For the very first time, I didn’t vote your average sized penis down.
March 7, 2012 at 2:41 am
Yeah, and it’s been over four hours. Time to call the doctor.
March 6, 2012 at 11:43 am
My kids have kindles — and access to my Amazon account. So no, I will not be downloading.
March 6, 2012 at 11:07 am
Because nothing wets a ladies panties like ripping out chunks of her bung.
March 6, 2012 at 6:03 pm
March 6, 2012 at 8:37 pm
That’s the stuff. Oh yeah.
March 6, 2012 at 11:31 am
“As a Prime member, I FAP FOR FREE”
Stop. Sampler time.
March 6, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Can’t touch this.
March 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm
I keep reading that as “prime minister”.
March 7, 2012 at 9:03 pm
I just got it. with the prime, for free.
*settling in with cocoa for a fuck machine evening*
March 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Barbed fuck machine?
March 6, 2012 at 9:33 am
Good to see that a shot in the balls doesn’t ruin the dialogue. That’s good Captaining right there.
March 6, 2012 at 9:39 am
I like to imagine that “RIKER” is how Picard screams in agony, generally. Stubbed toe? RIKER! Paper cut? RIIIIKER! Shot to the balls? RIKER! WILL RIKER!
March 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm
There are FOUR lights!
March 6, 2012 at 9:58 am
I hear Kirk takes two gunshots to the balls every morning before breakfast, just to keep his sack tight.
March 6, 2012 at 10:44 am
Sounds like they’re made of Vulcanized rubber.
March 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm
And why in the balls? Did the author think that the more things that involve genitals in the story, the sexier it is? That’s like having a line like, “Then Esteban flipped the pancakes on the stove using his long, hard cock.” Or like that song, “Ass”. SIMPLY PUTTING SEXUAL BODY PARTS IN YOUR SONG OR STORY DOES NOT MAKE IT SEXY!
March 6, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Not sexy to us, no, but to the author?
March 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm
Which is why you should keep your sexual fantasies to yourself. And why being able to self-publish fan fiction may well bring about the downfall of literature as we know it
March 10, 2012 at 9:49 am
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March 6, 2012 at 9:33 am
I smell a Newbery medal nomination!
March 6, 2012 at 9:36 am
No, that’s just the space gas.
March 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Wait a tick… Space is a vacuum! Unless they fucking sucked up Jupiter, that makes no sense!
March 6, 2012 at 6:09 pm
I think Space Gas is what you get from too much dehydrated “astronaut” ice cream.
Whatevs. It’s delicious.
March 6, 2012 at 9:44 am
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March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am
You’re right. This deserves noting less than a Nobel.
March 6, 2012 at 9:57 am
It’s not fair to ask other works of literature to struggle pointlessly to compete with this. Let’s give it a Newbelberry and consider the field closed.
March 6, 2012 at 9:59 am
“Let’s give it a Dingleberry and consider the field closed”
I fixed it!
March 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Those are only the best fanfics on the Internet.
For all the wrong reasons.
March 6, 2012 at 9:33 am
This is eerily like something I would write. Who the fuck has stolen my brain?
March 6, 2012 at 9:33 am
Well…filling a whole chamber with space gas?
I guess now we know who replicated cabbage and beans for 3 weeks in a row.
March 6, 2012 at 9:34 am
New lows in parody. Why pay for this when you can easily steal the neighbor kid’s attempts at literature next time he leaves his backpack in the living room?
March 6, 2012 at 9:34 am
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March 6, 2012 at 11:32 am
I somehow feel that if you are unable to see the awesomeness of this, you are undeserving of your avatar’s monocle and should be somehow stripped of it.
Number One, make it so.
March 7, 2012 at 2:46 am
Take away the monocle and throw up a little in their mouth.
(Hi Bronc, how ya doin’?)
March 10, 2012 at 9:55 am
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March 6, 2012 at 9:35 am
Please, Wesley would never have used terms like “sup” and “whatevs.”
Also, I’d bet Picard would see an orgy as a perfectly reasonable use of the holodeck, as long as the user cleans up after.
March 6, 2012 at 9:56 am
Perhaps, but both Wesley and Picard would have been appalled at the dueling tenses.
March 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm
THAT was my biggest problem with this crap! Asking people to pay for your semi-literate fanfic is just insulting.
My second-biggest problem was the penis barbs in the virgin ass stuff, which was just way too rapey. In my defense, I’m a lesbian, and everyone knows we have no sense of humor.
March 6, 2012 at 1:43 pm
The thing is, cats actually do have penis barbs. I’m dead serious.
March 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm
However, last I checked Wesley is not a cat. I’m really wondering how the author justified that slight character change.
March 6, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Apparently, the other character involved besides the nameless, submissive woman (who probably has shaved pits) is feline.
Although the wording, inconsistent tenses, and vague pronouns leaves you wondering exactly what each person is doing when Picard enters the room.
Except of course, that you really don’t want to know what each person is doing at any point in the story.
March 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm
And you’ve never stopped to think this might have something to do with the amount of yowling and howling cats do during sex? Or the fact that the minute the male’s done, he pulls out and runs away before the female can eviscerate him?
March 8, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Clarification of the scene: Girl is being anal pumped, apparently only once, by a “feline pilot extraordinaire”. She is also being mouth fucked by Wesley so that her screams can’t be heard by empathic counselors that may be wandering near the holodeck.
Felines do have barbs on their penis, it stimulates the ovulation of the female felines. This is why there’s a lot of yowling and rape-y-ness about feline copulation. The male bites the female on the back of the neck so she can’t kill him. Also true of the big cats and male tigers have to skedaddle when done so the females won’t kill them.
March 15, 2012 at 3:17 pm
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March 6, 2012 at 11:08 am
EVERYONE knows the holodeck was a sex den 100% of the time it wasn’t being shown on TV. EVERYONE.
March 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm
The Holodeck is for Porn
March 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm
No, the Internet is for porn…
The Internet is for porn
The Internet is for porn
So grab your dick
And double-click
For porn, porn, porn
March 6, 2012 at 5:55 pm
Girl-on-girl-on-girl-on-guy-on-sheep?
Or maybe I’m the only one who enjoyed the musical genius of DaVinci’s Notebook.
March 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Da Vinci’s Notebook for the win, entirely.
March 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm
It was originally spelled “Ho Low Deck”.
March 7, 2012 at 8:10 am
My first sex fantasies involved Commander Riker and a young Kiki in the holodeck with…whomever. See also: my need to write slutty fanfic about Egon from “Ghostbusters.” My therapist needs to earn her money, dammit. Till then, I shall be in my bunk.
March 6, 2012 at 9:35 am
This is very, very wrong. I can’t wait for Wil to see this.
March 6, 2012 at 9:36 am
I’m guessing he probably already knows about it, but I’m tempted to tweet it to him anyways…
March 6, 2012 at 9:43 am
Well, SOMEBODY had to tweet him. And it was me. Whatevs.
March 6, 2012 at 9:46 am
Ditto. I can’t wait for him to get here.
March 6, 2012 at 9:46 am
Make it so.
March 6, 2012 at 9:47 am
I can’t wait until I see Wil wearing the T-shirt of this. PICS PLEASE!
March 6, 2012 at 9:48 am
I saw this a few days ago on his twitter feed… I’m pretty sure he was impressed.
March 6, 2012 at 9:49 am
I just asked if he could record himself saying “Whatevs Picard” so I can use it as my ringtone.
March 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm
I would like the sound of Picard taking one in the nuts and shouting “RIKER!” as my message alert.
March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am
I wonder if he would record an audio version?
March 6, 2012 at 6:12 pm
There’s a good chance I would pay for that.
March 6, 2012 at 10:13 am
If this book was written about me, I’d have bound copies and pass them out to house guests!
March 6, 2012 at 10:33 am
Better put the rubber sheets on the beds, then.
March 6, 2012 at 11:40 am
March 6, 2012 at 11:41 am
Weird, it worked in preview D:
Sorry, here’s a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxQ2wq_kir0
March 6, 2012 at 9:35 am
This might be the best thing I’ve ever read. I’m surprised it’s not endorsed by Oprah yet.
March 6, 2012 at 9:35 am
I don’t know, I’ve always imagined Wesley to be a more gentle and giving lover. I mean…WILL WHEATON!!!
March 6, 2012 at 9:54 am
No….Evil Wil Wheaton from Big Bang Theory is all about putting the hurt on you. “Please, sir. May I have some more?”
March 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Um. Yeah, excuse me, I’ll be in my bunk O.O
March 6, 2012 at 10:01 am
You’re thinking of Westley, of dread Pirate Roberts fame.
March 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm
AS YOUUU WIIIISH
March 6, 2012 at 9:35 am
This. Is. Amazing. yes, it is terrible, but I’m going to venture the author knows that as well, and has created a masterpiece of awesome.
March 6, 2012 at 9:42 am
Damnit, it’s only for the kindle!!
March 6, 2012 at 10:26 am
That’s the only way you can get the Data, yes.
March 6, 2012 at 10:53 am
Ooooo Data!!! Methinks I see a sequel cumm… I MEAN COMING!!
March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm
You can read it here:
http://myriud.socialenginemarket.com/blogs/2513/114/star-trek-s-wesley-crusher-tee
I cannot even begin to describe the awesomeness that comes later in the story.
March 7, 2012 at 3:06 am
This is perfect! I now have a new awesome badfic just in time for my podcasting friends to read live this Sunday!
I never knew it was possible for me to love Regretsy even more than I already did.
March 6, 2012 at 9:36 am
My coworkers and I are in hysterics. I wish I had a Kindle.
March 6, 2012 at 9:46 am
Don’t deprive yourself on that account! You can download a free Kindle app for your computer or smartphone and read it that way.
Bonus: Amazon Prime members don’t have to pay for the book, either. You could be reading this sophomoric Wesley Crusher porn for free by lunchtime!
March 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm
But you still have to pay for it don’t you? If you don’t have an actual Kindle? Or am I missing something? Cause I would totally read this hot mess if I could get it for free.
March 6, 2012 at 11:31 am
You can download a free kindle reader to your computer too, right from amazon. NO ONE HAS TO GO WITHOUT.
March 6, 2012 at 9:36 am
I’ve just started playing Star Trek Online, I can call this “research”. Right?
March 6, 2012 at 9:39 am
Also, how epic is the author
“Her husband, Champagne, is doing 15 years upstate and she is trying to raise five kids by herself. On top of working three jobs Kitty is trying to sell some ebooks. ”
She just sounds amazing.
March 6, 2012 at 9:40 am
Of course Champagne is in jail. Of course he is.
March 6, 2012 at 11:40 am
At least he’s lucky. He has no chance to read such classics as A STRANGE CASE OF DICKLESSNESS, which is a “Sherlock Holmes parody…very funny,” according to one review.
Synopsis: “Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes’s son track down Jack the Ripper with the help of the douchiest horse ever.”
It’s a free download and that same reviewer, who gave it 5 stars, noted that the book “is worth the price.”
*Rimshot*
Then there’s JOHNNY, REMEMBER ME (cover art: An angry cat and an angry bumblebee, both with full glasses of beer)
Synopsis: “A man learns to stand up to his abusive kitteh [sic] using moves he learned from studying Tom Cruise.”
This tome inspired one reviewer to begin her own writing career!
March 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm
Look at this other one by her “My Red Self” which is summarized thusly:
“A smear of vaginal blood comes to the aid of a bullied teenage girl.”
I bought it.
March 6, 2012 at 11:41 am
I am dying to know what the charges are. Because if it’s not something involving a barbed dildo and roleplaying in public, telling the police “Whatevs, Picard” and tasing the cops in the balls when they tried to stop them, I will be hideously disappointed.
March 6, 2012 at 9:36 am
The Crusher is my penis.
March 6, 2012 at 9:43 am
That’s a Horrible reference, snacks.
March 6, 2012 at 9:48 am
Is it laundry day already? See you there!
March 6, 2012 at 11:36 am
Sorry, I left my underthings tumbling while I went to get some frozen yogurt.
March 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm
I love your hair!
March 6, 2012 at 2:45 pm
Um, I mean, I love the, uh… air.
March 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm
Oh, look at my wrist, it’s time to go!
March 6, 2012 at 9:36 am
I’m most bothered by the indecision over whether to use present or past tense in the writing.
…kind of.
March 6, 2012 at 9:39 am
And the spelling errors! And missing commas! Who edits these things?! Oh, right.
March 6, 2012 at 9:53 am
Yes. I’m more bothered by the tense change than by the barbed penis. I feel this indicates some kind of grading-induced moral decay.
March 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm
This is the same thing I was fixated on… What the fuck is wrong with us???
March 6, 2012 at 10:14 am
That was my first thought as well.
Okay, maybe not my FIRST thought . . .
March 6, 2012 at 10:49 am
Exactly! The only thing that really bothered me about this was the inconsistent use of past-tense and present-tense.
I suppose I’m a bit desensitized when it comes to terrible plot structure after years of Harry Potter fan fiction…BUT ONE CAN NEVER TURN A BLIND EYE WHEN IT COMES TO TENSE CONFUSION. NEVER.
…Engage.
March 6, 2012 at 7:43 pm
HP fan fic is the bomb… the bad stories are just so horridly bad that you have to look, rather like a train wreck
March 7, 2012 at 7:31 am
I first read that as HK fan fic! Hmmmm, I wonder if any among us does THAT…likely, eh?
March 7, 2012 at 3:14 am
My Immortal is still a diamond amongst badfics. I haven’t found much that can rival in terms of quality (or lack thereof).
squirrelking’s and ComixNix’s fics will can care of the tense confusion part.
March 6, 2012 at 9:37 am
SUP PICARD. Well, actually yes, I probably would “sup” Picard, in a slash fanfic tea party orgy scenario.
March 6, 2012 at 9:38 am
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March 6, 2012 at 9:38 am
Regretsy needs to cover more self-published erotic fiction. You are scratching the surface here. I’ve self published an ebook, and the main thing I learnt was that 99% of self publishers write smut.
March 6, 2012 at 10:06 am
99% of statistics quoted on the
interwebzinternet are made up on the spot.March 6, 2012 at 10:49 am
Written by the 99% in their tents.
March 6, 2012 at 11:19 am
Past tents or present tents?
March 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Apparently it varies from one sentence to the next.
March 6, 2012 at 5:17 pm
or whats on sale at Cabelas
March 7, 2012 at 12:01 pm
usually on their bunks
March 6, 2012 at 9:44 pm
See Topless Robot on Fan Fiction Friday. Rob does a great job, including normal human appropriate reactions (including facemelting pics).
March 6, 2012 at 9:39 am
I wonder if the holodeck has a special clean up crew to deal with these kinds of issues?
March 6, 2012 at 10:29 am
I know what Civilian Job On Board A Starship I’M going to apply for! Head Holodeck Jizzmopper.
I bet the union dues would be hell though.
March 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm
John Rocker already applied for it.
March 7, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I think its more like the self-cleaning public toilets they have in Japan and at Los Angeles Metro stations
March 6, 2012 at 9:39 am
As an Audiobook Creation Exchange performer, I can only hope that one day this author offers the book up for auditions.
March 6, 2012 at 9:39 am
Oh gawd. Oh…my gawd.
I have a Kindle, but…DO NOT WANT. That totally ruined my childhood!
Okay, not really but still. It ruined all the holodeck sex fantasies I had.
I’m sort of reminded of the first episode with Barclay, though. Troi in a flowing green gown in the holodeck, telling all who enter that she is, “The Goddess Of Empathy.”
March 6, 2012 at 10:01 am
This ruined any Wil Wheaton fantasies I may have had:
March 6, 2012 at 10:09 am
Judging by the look on his face, even HE doesn’t know why he beheaded a clown and stretched out the face skin to form a sweater.
March 6, 2012 at 10:24 am
I bet he got that off Etsy.
March 6, 2012 at 11:26 am
I first saw the Clown Sweater on a blog called “you knit what? ”
Here’s the story of the clown sweater picture
March 6, 2012 at 11:34 am
I think I just found my new desktop picture.
March 6, 2012 at 11:43 am
This didn’t ruin any fantasies for me. I just worked it right in.
It made a nice ripping sound.
March 6, 2012 at 2:28 pm
“Ruined” or “MADE BETTER”???
March 6, 2012 at 6:19 pm
It would take a Hell of a lot more bad fanfic to ruin my WW fantasies. Yummy. Even in a clown sweater.
March 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm
That picture ruins my childhood in a different way.
BOZO, WHY??
March 6, 2012 at 10:19 am
So you aint no holodeck, girl?
March 6, 2012 at 11:43 am
/applause
March 6, 2012 at 9:40 am
Wow, Scholastic or Bob Gucionne could have a real ‘ball’ with that.
March 6, 2012 at 9:41 am
This is… I just don’t even know what adjective with which to end this sentence.
March 6, 2012 at 9:43 am
Afuckingmazingly bad?
March 6, 2012 at 9:53 am
Sounds about right.
March 6, 2012 at 9:41 am
I am almost tempted to purchase to see how ‘BAD’ it really is!
March 6, 2012 at 10:04 am
I’m almost tempted to free-download-as-a-Prime-perk to see how ‘BAD’ it really is — but that might give the author the impression that someone cares.
Wait, no — the author is going to think that anyway, and to be fair, someone out there probably does care. Right, that’s out of my hands. Time to use the Internet as the net daemons intended: free smut!
March 6, 2012 at 10:28 am
I already downloaded it. Totally worth the $0.00.
March 6, 2012 at 11:09 am
I just dowloded it too, it was worth the $0.00 but if we want to keep it past when we want another free prim book we will have ot shell out for it
March 6, 2012 at 11:35 am
I actually PAID THREE WHOLE AMERICAN DOLLARS for this. Because I’m that curious, that sad, and that desirous of putting together a review.
Before I start reading, though, I’d better get my
March 6, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Oh, my dear! I totally forgot I had prime! *maniacal laughter*
March 6, 2012 at 9:41 am
Wait… we can sell old horrible ST:TNG fan fic on Amazon now? I’m gonna be rich!!
March 6, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Really! I’m bemoaning the hard drive crash that obliterated all of my X-Men fan fic!
March 6, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Back when I was involved in a bunch of fandoms and had my own server, I used to house an archive of JAG fan fiction. I’d get together with friends and we’d get really drunk and do readings of some of the “best” ones. Some of those people are probably selling that shit now.
March 9, 2012 at 1:26 am
The fact that you can sell fanfic on Amazon is exactly what caught my eye, too. I can draw my own covers to match the quality of writing, even. Could this be my own little internet fount of bubblin’ crude?
March 6, 2012 at 9:42 am
I’m a professional writer and editor. It took me two attempts to read this all the way through, and now I desperately need a lunch break.
(Oh, who am I kidding? I needed a lunch break anyway).
As for buying it, I…think I’ll wait for the movie version, thanks.
March 6, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Why buy it when you can read the same kind of horrible stuff for free on the internet? Plus then you can get a little extra practice on your editing skills. Or you can wait for your brain to explode.
March 6, 2012 at 9:43 am
The mind, it boggles. I wonder if Wil Wheaton is aware of this, and if it would leave him a whimpering wreck if he did. As the sample came close to doing to me.
March 6, 2012 at 2:35 pm
He posted about it today
http://www.facebook.com/itswilwheaton?sk=wall
March 7, 2012 at 3:07 am
Wow, he posts more than I do. Lots of free time, I guess…
March 6, 2012 at 9:43 am
Weren’t we all once Teenage Fuck Machines?
March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am
I still am!
Well, okay, not the Teenage part. But I am a FUCK MACHINE.
“My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!”
March 6, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Did he just say “MAKING FUCK”?
March 6, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Clerks reference.
thumbs up.
Olaf, Berserker, girls think sexy!
March 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Not those of us who didn’t have sex until we were 25.
True story. (Sadly.)
March 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Me too!
March 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm
Wait, that made me look like I was very excited by the fact that I was not a teenage fuck machine.
Me too
March 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm
Yes!
Unless you mean sex with another person, then no.
March 6, 2012 at 9:44 am
As an Amazon Prime member, I can get it for free, and yet somehow I’d rather pay them to make me not read it…
March 6, 2012 at 9:48 am
We all know that Kitty Glitter is actually April and/or Bronc, right?
…Right?
March 6, 2012 at 10:14 am
Ha – I was just thinking…”Kitty Glitter”? Which one of you FJLs wrote this? C’mon, fess up!
March 6, 2012 at 12:36 pm
I was thinking that Shatner is spreading himself awfully thin these days.
March 6, 2012 at 9:48 am
This may be even worse than The Eye of Argon.
No, I take that back, nothing in the published world is as bad as the Eye of Argon
March 6, 2012 at 9:53 am
Oh, I thought you were referring to this -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eragon
But if Eye of Aragon is *worse* than that drivel, I’m not sure I wish to reside on this celestial body any longer.
March 6, 2012 at 9:59 am
Oh no, it’s a great read, if just for the sheer WTH of it. Of course, the mts3k version is much more palatable.
March 6, 2012 at 10:02 am
…MST3k for bad writing?
I am actually drooling. I also might cry with joy.
Screw going to class, I know what I’ll be doing with my life from this day forward.
I love you, man. In the gayest possible way. Unless you’re of the opposing gender, in which case I love you in the most hetero way ever.
March 6, 2012 at 10:57 am
wait! help. I want to read the skewering of bad fanfiction too. That link goes just to the eye of argon…are there more on there? Ever since I quit LiveJournal (to preserve my sanity) I’ve wept for the loss of BadFanFiction. It really used to make my day.
I remember an erotic “medieval” fanfic where the author was trying to write in almost an overly flowery Elizabethan type thing and referred to his cock brushing against “the lady’s cuntal lips”. CUNTAL. OK. I’ll use it.
March 6, 2012 at 11:33 am
If you’ve heard of the fabled God Awful Fanfiction.com, its latest incarnation (although a little slower on the snarking) is whygodwhy.org. I recommend the ‘Golden Oldies’ section.
March 6, 2012 at 8:07 pm
Good news! There’s an archive for Godawful Fanfiction! Cringe away!
March 6, 2012 at 4:57 pm
The mts3k version was the only way I could get through it.
March 6, 2012 at 10:00 am
Eye of Argon is an exercise in pain, to be sure. People used to hold parties where you had to read as much of it out loud as possible without bursting into laughter. Most sentences read won. I can’t make it past 2 or 3. It’s a piece of bad wanna-be -Gor barbarian fiction.
Someone did a rendition of it interspersed with a well-written Mystery Science Theater parody… I recommend finding THAT version.
March 6, 2012 at 10:02 am
We do this competition every few years or so with the MST3K version. We make it into a drinking game, which makes it way more fun.
March 6, 2012 at 9:57 am
My other favorite blog, Topless Robot, has a weekly column called Fan Fiction Friday. You have NO IDEA.
March 6, 2012 at 10:01 am
lol, this is why I specified published world. I’m a masochist and I love reading bad fanfic. (I also love reading good fanfic, but that is fewer and far between)
March 6, 2012 at 11:26 am
But have you read “My Immortal”?
http://forum.fanfiction.net/topic/51917/10404916/1/
Don’t say you weren’t warned.
March 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm
For a minute, I forgot which one that was, and thought this was the Twilight FF where they substituted unicorns for orgasms.
Then I realized it was this one, and I died a little inside. I’d finally forgotten this one, and you brought it back.
March 6, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Woah, it’s like a Harry Potterized version of “Fanboy and Goth Girl” (which is an actual published novel btw.)
March 7, 2012 at 3:22 am
Is there an English version?
March 7, 2012 at 10:34 am
Oh god, this is so awesome. I love you.
March 6, 2012 at 9:48 am
I am so desperately torn between my desire to read more of this road-accident-in-print and my opposing desire to scrub my eyes with Brillo pads! What to do?
March 6, 2012 at 9:50 am
Just shoot me now. Forgot I was logged into Amazon Prime when I clicked the link to read more about Kitty Glitter’s prose…now all my book recos will reflect this unique genre. Is “crap” a genre?
March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am
I have never been so inspired!
March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am
This book totally makes having Prime worth it.
March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am
Not for nothing is self-publishing known as vanity-publishing…
March 6, 2012 at 10:15 am
Self-publishing, self-pleasuring. Vanity-publishing, masturbation.
‘S’all good.
March 6, 2012 at 9:53 am
I’m completely confused as to who was doing what to whom. Who was “the girl”? Why the fuck was she getting ass rammed by Hans Solo’s illegitimate brother? Why is his brother part cat? Why is Wesley staging an insurrection with Moriarty’s help? Could we stick to one fan fic at a time here? Jeez, this guy needs serious help from his publisher.
March 6, 2012 at 10:27 am
The author IS her own publisher.
And developmental editor.
And copy editor.
And proofreader.
March 6, 2012 at 11:17 am
I want to learn more about this Meow Solo. He seems like a thoughtfully constructed and engaging character.
March 6, 2012 at 11:47 am
Something tells me that Meow Solo is very autobigraphical. Kitty Glitter cannot hide her true self forever.
March 6, 2012 at 9:54 am
Does it remind anyone else of when Peter Griffin wrote erotic fiction? I couldn’t help but read this whole thing in his voice.
March 6, 2012 at 10:31 am
Or Betty White’s voice.
March 6, 2012 at 10:27 pm
I think you have just stumbled on the world’s best idea. Erotic fan fiction, read by Betty White. You’ll make millions.
March 6, 2012 at 9:54 am
PS. Screw Wesley. It is Picard I would do, in a hot minute.
March 6, 2012 at 9:55 am
I can only hit the ‘Like’ button once.
March 6, 2012 at 9:56 am
Menage a trois.
March 6, 2012 at 10:30 am
I Dorn know about that. I’ll Klingon to my Worfed fantasies.
March 6, 2012 at 10:41 am
March 6, 2012 at 8:58 pm
Maybe a menage a Troi?
March 6, 2012 at 10:07 am
I regret that I have but one thumb to give for your commentary.
March 6, 2012 at 10:56 am
I met him at Comic Con, and lemme tell ya… the man has still got it. I got a big grin out of him when I told him yes, I was a trekkie, but my favorite work of his is on American Dad.
March 6, 2012 at 7:05 pm
The episode where he takes the machine that turns water into cocaine is a favorite of mine
March 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm
I ran into him and Levar Burton at a hotel.
Literally. Ran into both of them because I wasn’t watching where I was going and fell flat on my ass. Gentlemen to the end though. They helped me off the floor before laughing at me.
March 7, 2012 at 3:27 am
Reminds me of a World Fantasy Con when a friend pushed Harlan Ellison off the elevator.
Only…now everyone’s thinking: “Who the hell is Harlan Ellison,” and I’m sad.
So yeah. Picard. “Make it so.”
March 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I know who he is. We had to read something of his in college. IIRC the entire class was freaked the hell out by aspects of the story the prof hadn’t noticed. Didn’t Asimov call him a short brutal man who wrote short brutal fiction? Yeah….
March 6, 2012 at 11:27 am
Picard … and Odo.
March 6, 2012 at 11:57 am
Picard and Odo? Odo could be whoever you want him to be…Picard and “Picard”?
March 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Thumbs down? Huh. Guess no one likes the idea of a menage a trois with two Picards?
March 6, 2012 at 7:57 pm
I have such a thing for Odo.
March 7, 2012 at 9:16 am
Are you going to add that to your bucket list?
March 6, 2012 at 11:47 am
If you insist. I’ll screw Wesley.
March 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm
March 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm
*tries to think up some dirty comment about how he always answered the door by powerfully yelling “Come!”*
*fails and has to have some I’ll Be In My Bunk time*
March 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm
Absolutely. Even better: threesome with Picard and Riker.
March 6, 2012 at 9:56 am
I know what I’m getting my mom for her kindle…. I’ll call it a late birthday gift.
March 6, 2012 at 9:56 am
I reloaded the page, this popped up, and I almost lost a mouthful of chili all over my keyboard to the title alone. My Elder Gods.
March 6, 2012 at 10:53 am
I woke up this morning from my kitten biting my butt. Since I was instantly wide awake, I poured coffee, lit a smoke, and turned on my smartphone. Regretsy popped up with this.
Went from getting bit on the arse to reading about barbed penises in someone arse in under 5 minutes.
It’s gonna be one of those days.
Gods help us all!
March 6, 2012 at 2:13 pm
And both involving cats doing the arse piercing!
March 6, 2012 at 10:04 am
from the bio: “We first met her at a book signing in our local Chicken Shack…”
March 6, 2012 at 10:09 am
And here I though the book signing would be someplace classy like Burger King or Dollar General…
March 6, 2012 at 10:04 am
…and there before his eyes lay Deana in her Betazoid birthday suit. Tonight, Wesley would know his counselor, caress her and analyze shift command reports like a man and woman should. Wesley wondered if this was a fantasy come true as Troi whispered sweet nothings into his blushing ear. Deana’s hand reached for Wesley’s zipper as his eager manhood arrived at full, red alert. He was ready to cross her neutral zone and Deana, like a distant star on the verge of collapse, spread wide her black hole…
March 6, 2012 at 10:26 am
As Crease and Resist said above, “I regret I have but one thumb to give for your commentary.”
March 6, 2012 at 10:29 am
When is your e-book publishing? If that’s an example of your writing, I’ll buy a Kindle!
March 6, 2012 at 11:10 am
The funny thing is, when I sit down to write something formal, my mind goes completely blank. It isn’t until April posts something about Wesley Crusher banging someone in the Holodeck that my creative juices start to runneth over. Dammit, I think Helen Killer is my muse!!!!!
March 6, 2012 at 10:05 am
Would have been better if he told Picard, “Suck my fat one, you cheap dimestore hood.”
March 6, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Fattest one in three counties!
March 6, 2012 at 10:05 am
Oh woe betide us all, when people demand money for steaming piles of fanfic.
This makes “Gay Nazi Bikers of Gor” Pulitzer material in comparison.
March 6, 2012 at 6:09 pm
LINK PLZ.
March 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm
I second the request for a link
March 7, 2012 at 8:55 pm
It can’t be any worse than every other Gor book after #3 – so now you’ll have to post the link to prove me wrong.
March 6, 2012 at 10:19 am
“Wow,” I was thinking, while busting a gut. “She sure went to a lot of effort to make a parody of thi…wait.” then I scrolled up and saw ACTUAL SAMPLE CHAPTER and wept endlessly for humanity.
March 6, 2012 at 10:21 am
I read that with Stewie fromFG using his “Huh-Wil Huh-Wheaton” .
Gonna go tweet this to HuhWil HuhWeaton.
March 6, 2012 at 11:18 am
Cool HuhWip.
March 6, 2012 at 4:29 pm
WHY ARE YOU PUTTING SO MUCH EMPHASIS ON THE ‘H’?
March 6, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Huhwhat are you talking about?
March 6, 2012 at 10:21 am
actually, there were some fanfics that were written to be tongue in cheek/mocking the genre. maybe this is one of them? it reads like it. I will stop weeping, then.
March 6, 2012 at 10:22 am
I thought this was free and I just accidentally spent 1.95 English pounds on it! I’m devastated
Let’s hope my baby daughter likes it after all.
March 6, 2012 at 10:26 am
Well… My childhood has just been tainted. How’s your day so far?
March 6, 2012 at 10:30 am
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March 6, 2012 at 10:38 am
About five of us at last check.
March 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm
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March 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm
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March 6, 2012 at 10:35 am
Someone needs to edit this for the grammatically sensitive. I’m so tempted to download but fear it might just give me a headache.
March 6, 2012 at 10:36 am
NOW FETCH ME WIL WHEATON.
March 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm
March 6, 2012 at 10:40 am
Just gonna leave this here http://myriud.socialenginemarket.com/blogs/2513/114/star-trek-s-wesley-crusher-tee
March 6, 2012 at 11:58 am
Oooh, thank you! Notice the author’s name, hmmmmm….
March 6, 2012 at 2:21 pm
One of the character’s names is Mary-Sue. This is definately a joke.
March 7, 2012 at 3:41 am
You may want to confirm that suspicion with Snopes.com.
March 7, 2012 at 3:41 am
Definitely. You definitely should.
March 7, 2012 at 1:14 pm
W-O-W… that link really goes down the rabbit hole, all the way to a disturbing episode of Dr. Phil purportedly featuring the author. If he is who I think he is, I want my $0.00 back!
March 6, 2012 at 10:44 am
$10 says Kitty Glitter is Jenny Lawson’s pen name. She is kind of a cat lady. And ya know…if the shoe fits…
March 6, 2012 at 10:44 am
What’s the difference between Kitty Meow and the Prime Directive? Wesley never violated the Prime Directive.
March 6, 2012 at 10:45 am
I see the opportunity for a contest here. This ebook is in much need of some amusing reviews–the current lot are way to blah for the subject matter. Winner gets…oh I don’t know, perhaps just the satisfaction that you helped out Kitty and Champagne’s litter.
March 6, 2012 at 2:23 pm
I thought you were saying something about changing Kittty’s litter before I read it through.
March 6, 2012 at 10:49 am
About the author:
http://www.amazon.com/Kitty-Glitter/e/B007DZS9VW/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1
You should check out her other titles. *facepalm*
March 6, 2012 at 11:13 am
this is obviously a joke. i feel better now.
March 6, 2012 at 1:02 pm
The tags on the book’s page are great. The first one is “Fisting,” followed by “Hans Solo,” two great things that go great together.
March 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Wait, “Hans”? Is that Han Solo’s crazy German cousin?
March 6, 2012 at 10:50 am
Meanwhile, I’ll go home and check my mailbox for the next round of form letter rejection slips from literary agencies across the globe. Good on you Kitty Glitter…you’re living the dream.
March 6, 2012 at 10:59 am
“I don’t really like to read but with Kitty Glitter it’s, like, different.” Anne Sexton
I smell a parody.
However, I do kind of want Kitty to be everything she claims to be. I wonder if Champagne is the dude who makes those prison greeting cards that April has posted here…
March 6, 2012 at 11:01 am
I smell troll… or maybe that’s just space gas.
March 6, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Perhaps you can compare it to Troll, but it’s still better than the writing for Troll 2:
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=4&ved=0CEcQtwIwAw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D3NMGsRmZTFQ&ei=I5BWT6vMK6Tc0QHl_fSVCg&usg=AFQjCNGob-QtYoBK4uC9f7CoHCXIv07ZuA
March 6, 2012 at 11:07 am
And then John was a zombie.
…oh wait. Wrong story.
March 6, 2012 at 11:11 am
OH! OH! OH!! Are you FJL’s unfamiliar with the Star Trek parody powers of the delightful geek-convention regular, VOLTAIRE?? Well! This is a thing which can not stand. So on that note…
“Though he’s just a child, and some thing him a twit, Wesley is the master when it comes to making up some shit. He’s the guy you want with you, when you go out in space! If only he could beam those pimples off his face…”
http://youtu.be/JswhkwvtMV4?t=40s
http://youtu.be/3-F7Km_MhOQ?t=1m30s
March 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Hell, I used to catch him every time he swung through New Haven, usually at the Tune Inn (now an empty lot, may it rest in Hell).
March 6, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Wow, if possible Voltaire just became a little more awesome in my mind. I never knew he did Star Trek parody.
March 6, 2012 at 11:54 am
Oh god, read the preview for My Red Self.
http://www.amazon.com/My-Red-Self-ebook/dp/B0079RI4EQ/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_2#reader_B0079RI4EQ
March 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm
As incredible a work of fiction as this is, I’m truly disappointed at the lack of creativity shown in the cover! Surely some fat, jealous loser can make more fitting cover art happen in his or her artistic ability!
March 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Just a heads up…its only free on prime if you own a kindle.
March 6, 2012 at 12:21 pm
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March 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm
OMG…one of my friends in the burlesque world has the nom de bump of “Kitty Glitter.” And this seems like exactly the sort of thing she would do, in the spirit of snark.
March 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm
March 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Holy crap! You mean all that fanfic I wrote that would violate copy write law I can publish for money now? I’m sitting on a fucking gold mine on my hard drive! Damn, break out Plot-What-Plot porn and fire up that PayPal account!
March 7, 2012 at 3:46 am
Parody and satire are specifically allowed under copyright law.
THANK GAWD!
March 7, 2012 at 2:02 pm
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March 7, 2012 at 9:16 pm
Nothing requires that something be written well to be sold – the shelves at Barnes & Noble would be half empty if that were true.
March 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Has anyone else checked out Kitty Glitter’s other “works” yet?
The description for My Red Self:
“A smear of vaginal blood comes to the aid of a bullied teenage girl. “
March 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm
“Is that your real chest or are those Borg Implants?”
March 6, 2012 at 2:02 pm
I love that his Google+ quote is, “Don’t be a dick!”
March 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm
This is weirdly disturbing (oh, well yes, of course it is, but for more than obvious reasons). I have been watching the show Numb3rs and today watched an episode where Wil Wheaton guest starred. I haven’t seen him in anything for years and now twice in one day! I have to say his appearance in Numb3rs was less painful.
March 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm
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March 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm
It’s a parody, not fapping material. Don’t ruin this for everyone else.
March 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm
True, it is based on copyrighted material but parody and satire are allowed under copyright law. If this wasn’t the case shows like SNL and the Simpsons would be a lot different.
March 7, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Obviously you don’t remember The Curious Case of the NCIS Fanfic Collections. Purloined directly from an online archive without knowledge or permisson of the authors and printed out as-posted in comb-bound multiple volumes, I seem to recall that it took months of complaints to Amazon to get the “distributor’s” listings deactivated – and even then, she still continued to peddle “used” copies of her illicit compilations in the Marketplace for a time. Amazon pretended ignorance very prettily until the network was persuaded to involve itself by the morally outraged authors.
March 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm
For those of us who need a little longer preview before purchasing: http://myriud.socialenginemarket.com/blogs/2513/114/star-trek-s-wesley-crusher-tee
March 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm
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March 6, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I’m just waiting for the day that Amazon realizes what their self-publishing policy has wrought and what their server space and band width are actually being used for!
March 7, 2012 at 9:50 pm
You realize they get money for every ebook sold through their site, right? That day may be a long time coming.
March 6, 2012 at 4:53 pm
I laughed the hardest at “the enterprise is TOTALLY doomed.”
March 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm
So this is a joke, right? God, if all the fan fiction writers start posting their crap to Amazon, the internet will finally come to an end. Everyone’s speculated about what will bring it down, and this is the answer.
Ah well, if you can’t beat ‘em…I have some stories myself somewhere. May as well make a buck off the death of the internet.
March 6, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Oh man, all the glorious WTF is overwhelming. I had such a crush on Wil Wheaton as a kid, and there was whole world of eye-gouging horror I missed out on because Amazon.com didn’t exist yet.
March 6, 2012 at 8:00 pm
Oh my god. Did anyone read the author bio?
March 6, 2012 at 8:23 pm
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March 6, 2012 at 9:26 pm
I wanted a Kindle. Was about to talk myself into getting a Kindle when my mother gave me a Nook. Now I have a crappy, won’t charge Nook sitting on the ironing board, instead of a nice Kindle, on whic I could be reading this work of literary genius.
March 7, 2012 at 8:22 am
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March 7, 2012 at 9:58 am
Somebody’s gonna need a colonoscopy! And someone else needs to learn the english language. And even more people need to get out more!
March 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm
My comment was aimed at the book’s “author” not the regretsy commenters.
July 2, 2012 at 7:43 pm
No thanks. I prefer the classic bad fanfic. You know, My Immortal, My Secret Life, etc. The more spllng errs the btters.