ASS PILLOW UPDATE
You may remember this email, which I posted a few weeks ago:
From: J. S.
Subject: EMERGENCY ASS PILLOW!
Date: February 1, 2012 5:38:29 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.comMy Dad just had some horrifying ass surgery today. Okay, it’s just hemorrhoids, but still.
My family tends to have a rather irreverent approach to things like this, because, well, we’re terrible people. And being terrible people, I’m thinking that my Dad needs something to sit on. Something that will legitimately help him, but also torture and mock him at the same time.
Can the Regretsy crew quickly whip up a functional item that will soothe his ass?
I can go $100 bucks.
- J
I thought this seemed like a pretty good opportunity for someone or other, and to make sure we attracted the best possible idiot for the job, I also threw in $100. I then asked you to post your ideas in the comments of this post, and J.S. would make her selection.
After perusing many polyptastic entries, J.S. awarded the job to Regretsy regular C.J. van Vuuren. C.J. has now delivered her space-themed creation, which got high marks for two puns and a Goatse reference.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET THIS KIND OF ACTION AT RITE AID
Give our best to your dad’s ass.
February 17, 2012 at 1:02 pm
BRILLIANT! LOVE the last photo!
February 17, 2012 at 1:02 pm
The pillow is awesome, but it was the cat checking out the goatse that got me laughing.
February 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm
Is it wrong that when I saw that image, I imagined a “foomp” sound?
February 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm
No worse than my imagining him looking for a hamster.
February 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm
February 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Not only is that sick but totally in keeping with the family tradition. Well done, Beebs!
February 17, 2012 at 1:02 pm
FantASStic!!!
February 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
ASSembled with (g)love.
February 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Asstounding!
February 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Assuredly an heirloom piece.
February 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm
A national treasure.
February 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm
lmao
February 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm
LOVE!! That last photo needs to become a widespread internet meme.
February 18, 2012 at 1:16 am
Hello? Come out Mr Hamster!
February 18, 2012 at 1:32 am
February 18, 2012 at 2:12 am
I can hazhamzter?February 18, 2012 at 12:09 pm
My cat speaks the Queen’s English!
February 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I never thought I’d see a hemorrhoid donut that made me say, “that is well worth two hundred dollars”, but that day has finally arrived.
Thanks, Regretsy, for opening my mind to new worlds.
February 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm
LOVE!!
February 17, 2012 at 1:04 pm
A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
Also, ass.
February 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm
I can’t even describe how much I wish my ass hurt right now, just so I could cradle it in all this awesomeness.
February 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Please tell me that C.J. is exploring mass-marketing options for this. PUH-LEEZE.
February 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Hmm .. maybe
I’d have to quit my day job first though … giggle
(I’m CJ by the way, if that was not obvious
)
February 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Beautiful job! I especially love how its two sides are differents yet similar.
February 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm
Thanks!
February 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm
CJ, I have to tell you that pillow is, besides EVERYTHING else, beautifully crafted. And my brain has been feverishly pondering uses for those handles you included…so that Dad can hang on tight when he’s speeding down the Hemorrhoid Highway, perhaps?
February 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Sledding. He won’t need anything but his handled pillow.
February 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Handles look very useful: best results = precise positioning. (I know, ask me how …)
February 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm
lol … also at all the ideas for the uses.
I’m from Canada, clearly it’s to facilitate tobogganing! xD
February 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm
Most. Brilliant. Thing. Ever.
Want.
February 17, 2012 at 10:01 pm
CJ, there just aren’t enough check marks in the world for the amazingness you have created! I doff my ostrich, macaroni and upcycled crew sock fascinator to you!
February 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm
lol, thanks.
February 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Ass-marketing options…
February 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Dying. Of. Laughter.
This is a thing of beauty.
February 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Bonus points if you put catfood in there and show pics of the cat eating it!
February 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm
I want to see a gerbil playing about on it. Possibly one crawling out of the hole.
February 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm
If there is no gerbil available, perhaps the cat could be peeking out of the hole?
February 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm
That’s AWESOME! CJ, you could open a hilarious store. It would be weird and no one would want to shop there, but someone would. Because shit happens.
February 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Regretsy patrons would shop there … maybe I’ve stumbled upon a business opportunity through all the clowning
~cJ
February 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm
I’ve never wanted hemmorhoids so badly in my life!
Well, maybe once.
February 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm
If I’m not mistaken, “hemorrhoids” is latin for “Horrible Ass Affliction” so to call it horrible ass surgery isn’t too far off.
February 18, 2012 at 8:27 am
It’s greek for “blood flow-ish”. But I like your version.
February 18, 2012 at 10:51 am
For some reason, I read this as “blood blow-fish.” Which is a horrifying, but disturbingly accurate, description.
February 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm
OMGs, she could make a fortune on those pillows. I want hemorrhoid surgery just so I can own one!
February 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm
I made my fortune is ass pillows … can’t you just see a winning biography in there!
~cJ
February 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Don’t sell the movie rights too cheap… There’s sure to be interest.
February 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I’m not completely certain that you have to have surgery to buy a pillow. But hey, if you let me upload the footage to Youtube, I’ll pay shipping on your pillow.
February 17, 2012 at 5:06 pm
You don’t need hemorrhoid surgery, just hemorrhoids.
Or an anal fissure.
Can I pre-order??
February 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm
This is amazing. The last photo is awesome.
February 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm
This is an awesome pillow – love the detail in the planets. The goatse alone is priceless.
February 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm
February 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Just choked on a bagel while reading this. Thanks, Regretsy. You’ve not only ruined lunch, but bagels forevermore shall be tainted for obvious reasons.
February 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm
You said “tainted”. heh-heheheh-heh.
February 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I C WUT YOO DID THUR
February 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm
Boy, there’s a Black Hole joke in there somewhere, but I just got a horrible brain cramp…
February 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Looking at the last picture, I kept trying to think of a pussy and anus joke but black hole will do just fine…
February 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm
I keep hearing: “You never go ass to mouth!”
February 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Oh God, I just had a hysterectomy on Monday, and have pretty much been sitting around trying not to laugh, cough, sneeze, do anything quickly, but when I saw that last photo, I jerked violently in a reaction that could only be a whole-body laugh! Ow, ow, ow, totally worth it, owow!
February 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm
NEVER go to Regretsy that soon after surgery! I think that should be included in post-op instructions when they send people home. I’ve hurt myself laughing even when I HAVEN’T had any stitches that could go kablooie!
February 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Ugh, hope you recover quickly!
I remember watching “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” after getting all four of my wisdom teeth removed. Worst idea ever.
February 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm
The Burnoose skit? Funniest thing ever on television. I laugh so hard I cry every time I watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8PUU9sGffc
February 17, 2012 at 5:02 pm
Aww man. Last time I watched Whose Line, I had a cracked rib. And it was the one where Drew screws up the Irish drinking song.
February 17, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Well clearly the Dr.s fucked-up, then. I don’t remember squat from my wisdom teeth removal until maybe 3 days later. I am told that I demanded to leave, stood up, walked directly into the door, then fell asleep again on the floor.
At least that is how they explained the funky bruises on my face and chest….
Anyway my point is: DEMAND BETTER MEDS, STAT!
February 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm
There is totally a market for this!! Not only for sore post-surgery assholes but for people whose assholes get sore at ballgames, theatres, plane rides, anal sex etc!! There is a whole world of asshole out there just begging for this. This is where your fortune is, CJ!
February 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm
OMG … the amount of fuckery I could commit with anal sex owie pillows xD
~cJ
February 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Is there anything Regretsy can’t make better? *shudders in anticipation*
February 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm
The picture with the cat had me worried for a second: what if the hand(s) slip.
February 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm
I am so glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read this comment.
February 17, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Then the cat has had what’s usually referred to as a “bad day.”
February 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Then it would immediately become Schrödinger’s cat. Dead? Alive? No one wants to get close enough to find out.
February 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm
I’m sure J.S.’s Dad will be very thankful, from the heart of his bottom….
February 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm
we need pics of Dad getting this and using this.
February 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm
I need MORE THAN ONE THUMBS UP HERE…
February 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm
I think more than one would hurt like hell, given his recent surgery…
February 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm
The cat picture is great! though its usually me with a face full of my cats anus. When a cat jumps up on your bed to visit, you look up and its full on cat anus. I think cats fuck with us
February 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Reminds me of:
translation:
New celestial object! | A huge star quite resembling a … | Shoo!
(Pertti Jarla’s “Fingerpori” HS 01SEP2007)
February 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm
You think they fuck with us?
February 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Regretsy soothes asses and tickles funny bones.
YEAH, I SAID IT, SO WHAT!?
February 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm
That’s the most succinct explanation of Regretsy I’ve ever seen. Sampler worthy!
February 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm
That’s a good thing, since so often Regretsy seems to bring out the butthurt.
February 18, 2012 at 1:22 am
Regretsy…
Ass soothery
and
Funny bone tickleage
February 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Nämä on perseestä.
February 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm
**that sucking sound you hear is thousands of Regretsians rushing to Google Translate**
February 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I need more than one thumbs up HERE
February 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm
No, Petja, it is NOT fucked up. I think you’re jealous that you don’t have one for that magnificent takapuoli.
Don’t worry—we’re all jealous of the ass that belongs to the man who owns that pillow.
February 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Sorry. THOSE magnificent takapuoli of yours.
February 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm
My new favorite Finnish phrase! Nämä on perseestä, indeed.
February 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm
For this specific phrase “, indeed” = “. Ja poikittain.”
February 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Täysin ja kokonaan.
February 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAq6ZJHiWuo&t=2m52s
February 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm
The woman is brilliant and oh so talented.
February 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Aw … thanks! Fat jealous losers are the best!
~cJ
February 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm
And YOU are one of us!
February 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm
I going to grow some Hemorrhoids just to order up one of these!
February 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm
That is the best compliment I have ever heard in my entire life.
February 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I think this is about my favorite Regretsy game entry ever. How often does someone create something that is this imaginative, funny, AND so functional ?
February 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm
* glee *
I have a twisted mind, what can I say? I spent too much time in public school.
February 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm
This made me want hemorrhoids.
February 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm
The Goatse pillow is missing a wedding ring.
February 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Ass surgery would totally wreck me too. Gimme the donut one please and skip the sewn-in fart cushion!
February 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm
You fat, jealous losers have no idea how awesome this thing is. The pictures look great but in person it’s a thing of fleecy, soft, cozy, beautifully made fuckery. Even without the cat.
Thanks CJ!
February 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm
My pleasure, glad you like it!
February 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm
That third picture is the funniest thing.. well ever really. My co-workers are wondering what I’m cackling at.
February 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I would have KILLED for this pillow after I gave birth to my second child. The resulting hemorrhoid revised my personal history in that it gave me many fond memories of the caesarean that I went through with my first. Just goes to show… hind-sight really is 20-20.
Also, it needs to come with an optional cute lil’ stuffed hamster insert. I would pay mucho extra money for that Ass-essory.
February 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm
I would have sewed you a placenta shaped pillow … with umbilical cord for carrying, if you so wished
February 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Only if you had dyed it with menstrual blood for authenticity. :b
February 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm
lol
February 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm
Several people have expressed wishes for ass surgery so as to merit this magnificent cushion. This is for those people:
Let me tell you a little story about ass surgery. An anonymous, certainly-not-me-myself-or-I person once had ass surgery and came home. As most people do after about 6 to 16 hours, this particular person had to go to the restroom. The individual, having skipped their pain meds because it “wasn’t all that bad,” along with some retrospectively awful idea about only taking them when ABSOLUTELY necessary, went to the restroom.
The individual, having a high tolerance for pain, did not have the good fortune to pass out, but sat there, praying for death to mercifully overtake them before the next wave. The individual’s spouse had to escort them back to bed.
And that is why you shouldn’t hope for ass surgery. And if you do have it, don’t wait until T-Minus 20 seconds until burrito-splosion to take your pain meds.
February 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Dad? Is that you? I have a pillow for you…
Also, was the burrito a good idea after horrific ass surgery? I mean really, it wasn’t all the lack of pain meds.
February 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Well, it wasn’t REALLY a burrito. At least I don’t think it was. I’m a little fuzzy on the details of most everything that happened that week.
February 17, 2012 at 8:45 pm
OH NOES!
“At least the anonymous, certainly-not-me-myself-or-I person doesn’t think it was. The individual is a little fuzzy on the details of most everything that happened that week.”
FTFY !
February 17, 2012 at 5:28 pm
If you ever get an anal fissure, and the doctor suggests you have your sphincter “clipped” to relieve the stress, just opt for the anesthetic gel and nitroglycerine cream.
You’ll just be afraid to fart for a week or so.
February 17, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
February 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm
Forget ass surgery (which I’ve had), my friend is pregnant and has Vaginal Varicose Veins! She was looking for something to sit on during a weekend scrapbooking retreat. This would have been perfect! Think of the market for swollen vag pillows!
February 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Vaginal. Varicose. Veins.
My girly parts just let out an alarmed squeek, retreated, and are now huddling around my liver.
February 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm
lmfao … I had a similar reaction, but could not describe it. Well done
February 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Vaginal Varicose Veins and cat anus – thats why I come to Regretsy.
“REGRETSY: giving you Vaginal Varicose Veins and cat anus since 2009″
February 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Holy crap! I didn’t even know that was a thing! That’s gotta be discomfort the nth degree.
February 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm
I had never heard of it either. She made me google it. (i used my phone, not the work computer lol!) Now I tease her daily about her puffy flaps and she has to wear a support apparatus that she described as “a jock strap with lace”. Can’t wait to get pregnant again!
February 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm
“A jock strap with lace”
What’s that sound you hear? Hundreds of glue guns being warmed up as another trend on Etsy is launched.
February 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm
Get ready for product photos of a furry hippie with a naughty gym teacher fetish!
And now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if I could get her husband to send a picture of it to the vulva jewelry sculpting lady… The perfect shower gift!
February 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm
This is why I check Regretsy regularly for updates.
Oh, yes.
February 17, 2012 at 6:01 pm
After all those years of showing off his lovely butthole to the world the cat finally knows what others have experienced due to him just having to keep his tail straight up.
Really, these are great…any patient of ass surgery should be so lucky to have one.
February 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm
Oh my god. It’s beautiful…
February 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm
lmfao … thanks
February 18, 2012 at 12:12 am
I also love the handle detail on it, so you can hang it up in the kitchen when you don’t need it anymore.
February 18, 2012 at 8:23 am
Moments like this one make me hopeful about mankind and optimistic about the role of family.
(Which is not supposed to be the goal of the site, so someone is not doing their job, eh?)
February 19, 2012 at 7:12 pm
I think I may have just made that last picture my computer’s background until some other flight of fancy makes me right click.
February 25, 2012 at 1:41 am
Oh god the laugh photo.. I was like kinda funny, kinda funny… *dies of laughter*