More Things That Look Like Penises:
- And Here
that liberty cap reminds me of an exboyfriend… he too was under 2 inches in length…
Same here. Except, his name WAS Liberty.
Was he in the movie House of the Dead, directed by Uwe Bolle? Was he at that time wearing glitter on his face and a patriotic jumpsuit leotard?
They say “just under two inches in length” like it’s something to brag about.
Maybe it’s a grower not a shower?
The only thing I have that looks like a penis, is well, a penis. And nobody wants to buy it.
Have you tried adding some Swarovski crystals to it?
What is the man friendly term for vajazzling?
You, sir (or madam), just made my day.
I am a lady, and it was my pleasure!
Perhaps if you photographed it against a barn wood background, or next to some boobs.
So you spend all this money on a penis and don’t even get a pity-cuddle thrown in?
Hmm..that wasn’t supposed to reply to you, but maybe it worked out for the best? I mean, we’re all here to help really..
Stick some gears on it.
Don’t forget the watch parts! Then you can have steampunk junk!
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Perhaps you should go turkey?
Paint a picture of Whitney on it and throw it up on Etsy!
Barnwood is so totally 2011.
Arrange you manly bits artfully on a bible page, hopeful one that has awesomely inappropriate text.
Also: Hope like hell that no sadistic woman is around to slam the bible closed. Because that’s the first thought that popped into my head after reading that.
Arrange you manly bits artfully on a bible page
1 Kings 14:10? I particularly thing the KJV is elegant.
Plus one for that quote, “him that pisseth against the wall” indeed
At least the necklace would save one from boring cocktail party conversation, one way or another.
“Where did you get that fantastic bedazzled penis. I simply must have it!”
Whatever it looks like, it certainly does not look like shrimp.
I am pretending so hard right now that it’s secretly fuckery the seller is giggling madly about posting. I am not checking the seller’s store, where my make-believe will only be shattered.
Also, I hope that turns up in somebody’s bag at the NY CF4L meetup.
“cock”tail party, indeed.
I read that and knew the seller was not clueless.
Think they’d be willing to dicker on the price?
I’ll take, “Things that look like a Penis for $500, Alex.”
Suck it, Trebek!
IT NEVER GETS OLD!
Sean Connery: I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.
Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.
Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?
Alex Trebek: It’s not a product, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Because I’ve ordered devices like that before – wasted a pretty penny, I don’t mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I’ll order a dozen.
Alex Trebek: It’s not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There’s no such thing!
Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers?
Alex Trebek: No! No, I’m not.
Sean Connery: Well, you’re sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!
Am I the only one that thinks the “Shrimp” looks like an internal organ?
No. I thought it looked a little like an enlarged appendix, myself. Or maybe a colon.
Once, on a blind date that was going horrible quite quickly, I blurted out that the shrimp I was eating looked a little like a fetus.
At least the whole uncomfortable thing ended shortly thereafter.
Umm, when you say “shrimp I was eating”, that’s seafood and not a euphemism, right?
Nope. It looks like a piece of the large intestine from the anatomy models we use for teaching, minus the crystals of course.
I dare you to start gluing crystals to all the anatomy models!
And take photos. Lots and lots of photos.
Actually a bedazzled anatomical model is the kind of thing I actually might buy…
I think it looks like a diet aid, because now I never want to eat again.
I am going with zygote..
Look like the disgusting grubs I find in the garden.
Japanese beetle larva! I hate those things.
I see your 5 things, and I raise you these:
“‘Dry bones’ feel” – is that like dry humping?
“Bones”. Sure they are;)
To me it looks like a swan with a cork in its beak and three buttholes.
I’m not sure they let you into France with soap.
I am going to politely disagree with the first and feel like that one most resembles a present your dog might leave you when you neglect to fill his bowl.
the bedazzled cock’n'balls is something I wish I had for my prom. that is glorious shit glued to other shit fuckery right there.
I was thinking a nose. You know what they say, once you go Cyrano…
I’m getting more “space shuttle” than “Eiffel Tower” myself.
Maybe since I live in Florida– My thoughts exactly…
What, you can’t read my mind? Okay, okay, I deserve the thumbs-downing for lack of clarity at the least.
Here was my thought process: Reaching for my bag of toys late at night and coming upon one of those glittering monstrosities instead…”OW!”
Did you forget this?
Beautifully played, Petja!
Years ago, when he was in Congress, I saw him on the streets of DC. I booed at him and flipped him off. When asked why I did that, I said, “Because I didn’t have anything to throw and it was too far to spit.” True story.
You, sir, (well, at least according to your bemonicle’d avatar) are a true wit.
I also want to have your internet babies for some reason.
Does anyone else think that his face was sculpted out of butter? It looks like someone cut a head off of a baby and put it on an old mans body
You reminded me of a famous NY Daily News front page cartoon from when he threw a tantrum. Wasn’t the first and wasn’t the last.
His head is a terrible mix of toddler and dick. And he just strikes me as a whiny dick, so personality as well as looks.
Also, no parent who truly loved their child would give them a name that could be shortened in such a way to make you think of a small lizard.
You’ve all seen the Newt/Schrute pic?
Ahhhhh!!! You beat me to it. But here’s another one you forgot.
Oh, if we’re going to play this game, it could go on for days. And my ex husband getting posted with great prominence.
He looks a bit like Jerry Seinfeld. That’s it. Oh, and when I look at Santorum I think of the definition coined by one of Dan Savage’s readers, which will live in Internet infamy:
Santorum: The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.
Manglaze nail polishes (the owners would fin in woderfully here) immortalized this by creating a wonderful brown polish by the name of Santorum. It is the only time I will be happy to have Santorum on my hands.
I think Item #1 looks like Santorum — just imagine it lathered up…
No, he doesn’t look like Seinfeld. Santorum looks like a nervous whippet about the piddle on the carpet.
See the resemblance?
No I disagree, that whippet’s got more light behind his eyes and looks far more intellectual.
Stop insulting Whippets….
Whippet? Whippet good.
He’s more of an asshole.
That’s really a horrible backdrop.
It makes Newtie look well endowed in comparison. I think this is he eHarmony profile photo.
Nah, he’s not gonna need one of those profiles until his present wife gets seriously ill…
I require more green thumbs for Petja’s contribution. It makes me so very happy.
Also, that amethyst thing made my vag hurt just looking at it.
I think the soap looks more like Cardassian insignia than a penis.
As for the quartz item, I guess that’s what they mean by rock hard.
I think it looks like a nose.
Wait. That’s a tiny soap. Is it for sexually frustrated francophile gnomes?
It’s a PERSONAL size soap. Really personal.
In that case, it should be on a safety retrieval string.
Or a motorized spring.
Wouldn’t that sting like a motherfucker after a few seconds?
I didn’t know bees were motherfuckers. Well, I guess there’s only one queen…
That shrimp necklace makes me kinda hungry. If I buy it, I might accidentally eat it after a trip to Captain D’s or Red Lobster.
Not Long John Silver’s?
Ew, the Long John Silver’s we have here is totes nasty. Like, roaches in the fish batter, nasty.
I was going for the shrimp-as-a-penis-shaped-object joke.
Even better. But still, don’t go to a Long John’s in Mississippi. You’ll get bugs.
Did you have to remind me of the Clarence Thomas hearings?
oh god.. Captain D’s.. I just really got a hankering for some hush puppies.
Do people just not know? How do they not know?!?!
I think they don’t realize they’re just bad artists. They’re seeing shrimp cocktail or liberty cap mushroom (which would be a great name for a cervical cap, btw), but they’re not seeing how unlike the actual things they are.
Sort of like body image vs. reality. What you see in the mirror isn’t what you see in a photograph.
I think they know. They have to know. That turkey platter – it has to be intentional.
Seeing anything in the shape of a penis that is simultaneously covered with multi-faceted sharp pointy bits makes my girl parts want to climb up inside my body and hide.
Too late, they already did.
Also this is an appropriate song for this post: http://www.wehoconfidential.com/2012/01/miss-prada-big-dick-music-video.html
Warning: Video and Song might be NSFW
Really thought it was going to be my weena.
What the hell did I just watch?
I see your song and I raise it to:
Detachable Penis by King Missle
I had this song stuck in my head when I was reading this.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
I thought the soap was a nose.
Is the seller of the turkey platter on crack? What’s with the poem? LOL shit, why not just come out and say I found this ugly ass platter in my grandma’s attic, please buy it;)
And that shrimp penis pendant with sparkle jizz is just the epitome of Etsy isn’t it? Bravo!
Well, for any penile product to be the epitome of Etsy it should really be placed next to an ash tray in the shape of a vagina.
On barn wood.
I just whispered “sparkle jizz” to myself. Like the kid on the Middle.
I refuse to believe that that wasn’t written by an FJL-er. The snood reference is a total give away!
Either that or the Etsyans have become self-aware. Judgment Day is coming!
I looked snood up after seeing that, and it is also a word for a turkey’s comb.
That “turkey lurkey” person is out of her tree.
Her poem is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC: (from the listing)
“Turkey Lurkey Shmirkey Furkey
The cow jumped over the moon
The little dog laughed
To see such a snood
He ate the platter and not his food”
It was so amazing, I wanted to you read it again.
Annnnnd I totally did.
I thought the soap was a bicycle seat. Ah well, seat, soap or peen, I’d sit on it.
Why the hell have bedazzlers been made so readily available?
Because the ’90s needed everyone to look as obnoxious as possible to try and erase the ridiculousness of the ’80s.
And the ’90s wanted everyone to be vintage, to the old days in the ’70s when the Bedazzler first came on the market. Back then it was sold in 60-second commercials, not nearly enough time to extol it fucktabulousness.
More like a COCKtail party.
Waitaminute. This isn’t another episode of “Etsy or Regretsy?”
Clearly, this needs to be the theme of the next “Etsy or Regretsy?”
I bedazzled my own “Shrimp”, and it looks remarkably like the one in the picture.
My first thought was “Gad, what a painful looking place to have a carbuncle.”
It doesn’t look like a prawn or peen to me. It looks like a recently removed appendix…with glass crystals hot-glued on it.
Please, for the love of God, ask a friend: “Does this look remotely like a penis?” before selling on Etsy.
If you have to ask, the answer is “yes.”
I guess I should sell this dog on Etsy, based on the trends and all.
I hear he’s a real dick.
I need to share that photo.
Why isn’t it on your blog so I can do that?
I have made it so!
I want that fuzzy body pillow. Where can I buy one? *wink*
I needed far longer than I really should have to see the dog in this picture. Well played.
So they really ARE separate creatures with a mind of their own???
Legs of their own anyway
Can you imagine if they had bones in them? Painful, in every way.
Actually in a lot of animals they DO have bones. It’s called a baculum.
/biology nerd nitpick
Dammit, my birthstone is amethyst. Which one of you fat jealous losers bought that?
Dammit! My birthstone isn’t amethyst, but I wanted the hell out of it too, and someone beat me to it. WAAAAH!
LOL! I was wondering where all that traffic came from today, and had a good laugh when I looked at my Etsy stats
I still have some more similar phallic-looking stones. These are all the Cactus Quartz here; http://www.etsy.com/shop/GiftbearerSupply/search?search_query=Cactus+Quartz&search_submit=&search_type=user_shop_ttt_id_5212640&shopname=GiftbearerSupply&page=1
There’s also one that looks like a pair of boobs.
Way to be a good sport.
I sold a few since the day of the feature, but still have alot more to go! Enough for everybody who didn’t yet get one
In fact I put a particularly phallic looking one as one of my Etsy featured. That’s still available.
Mine is, too, but I didn’t buy it. I knew I’d giggle uncontrollably every time I’d look at it.
Well yeah, isn’t that the point?
The “point(s)” look painful!
Is the shrimp also OOAK, like the crab jewelry from awhile ago?
What a stunning ensemble THAT would make.
Just need a lobster fascinator and a clam belt and the look’s complete!
The Eiffel tower soap looks like the imprint of a vulva.
I want to ask how you know what an imprint of a vulva looks like, but that could lead to me visualizing something involving sand, or clay, or birthday cake, so I will refrain.
Don’t even mention asking unless you really want the answer.
Dude. That’s not a vulva, that’s a carwash entrance.
Oh wait. Negative space.
I thought you were gonna go for this one, even though it’s the opposite of an imprint:
I’ve been horrified by a lot of things here on Regretsy, both aesthetically and emotionally. I’ve been confused, aroused and afraid…but nothing….NOTHING GOD DAMMIT prepared me for that dumb. ass. turkey poem. I don’t care if you come at me with “it was written by the creators of Downton Abbey you jerk”, it’s not funny, or cute, or anything but horrible. The writer should punch themselves in the face.
OMG I just looked at your blog. It’s great!
When I read the turkey platter poem and got to “snood,” I immediately thought of this:
Still makes me laugh insanely.
It’s the “Are you a wizard” part that gets me every time.
At the risk of there being a distressing theme to my posts this week, I saw the jeweled “shrimp” and the rhinestones caused me to do a double-take at what my brain thought was a snazzy S&M male chastity device.
Mistress owns my penis, but at least it’s shiny!
I think you mean “and of COURSE it’s shiny.”
When I travel, I like to pack and carry items that marginally resemble things I plan to buy at my destination. It’s why I always pick up a Taco Bell burrito at the airport on my way to Mexico, and I make sure to take a baggie of oregano to Amsterdam.
Now that I can buy that Eiffel Tower soap, I won’t have to decant Boone’s Farm into four-ounce bottles for my trip to France.
That last seller has a bit of trouble making her products look polished, or like the things they are supposed to look like, but I will give her this: http://www.etsy.com/transaction/58414378
And I want that Thanksgiving necklace. That would make my day shpadoinkle.
Hahaha! She spells “potatoe” like Dan Quayle! Nice workmanship, though!
thank you for getting my cannibal the musical reference. and how does one make a clay potatoE look more polished lol?
Eiffel Tower? Looks more like the Tower of Power.
(as in Frank Zappa, “I can take about an hour on the Tower of Power ‘long as I get a little golden shower”)
C’mon. Making these things up is so yesterday.
Thank you turkey platter, now I have a stunning visual reference for Cthulhu’s penis.
Forgive me, I’m not sure how to add this:
The Eiffel tower: for all your bajingo washing needs.
The bedazzled shrimp made me think of some guy masturbating in a craft store then dipping his now-flaccid sticky wick into one of those bulk containers of random shit. Et voila!
So, THANKS FOR THAT MENTAL PICTURE, Regretsy.
Okay, which one of you bastards bought the Amethyst Cactus penis? I’m jealous.
There are more!
I have more. Check out the one I put as one of my featured items in my shop. That one looks even more phallic than the one that Regretsy featured!
Thanks, I’ll be giggling like a schoolgirl at the word “cocktail” for the next week now.
Everything in nature looks like cock and balls. I’m kinda convinced about it.
The soap looks like a fourth grader’s art class clay project. I think he intended for it to be a fighter jet.
Can I just say how comforting it is to know that I am probably not the only person who has a folder titled “Penises” on their work pc (excluding porn folks and urologists of course)?
My folder is for when I find out people are hotlinking images from my company’s website
Where do you work that people can hotlink images of penises?
Hotlinking penises sounds like an incredibly painful crafting technique.
Dammit, first one of you beats me to the amethyst druzy banjingo and now the penis is already sold! My collection of erotic gems will never get off the ground at this rate.
Would love to have you in my shop! I have more!
The one that looks like boobs and a few more have sold but I still have some others left.
In addition to the Cactus Quartz, I’m about to list a hilarious pendant made out of polymer clay that a friend of mine made several years ago. It’s amazingly realistic!
Anyone notice the mushroom is carved from elder wood? OMG IT’S THE ELDER PENIS WAND! KEEP IT AWAY FROM VOLDEMORT!
Here’s the new pendant;
The polymer clay penis bead is still available. This I only have one of, but still have a good number of Cactus Quartz left.
how many of you have actually seen a real penis? the soap and the shrimp don’t look like dicks. and if you are seeing dicks that look like either one…run. fast. and stop knocking on peoples art.
it took you three months to come up with this?
was i supposed to come up with something more profound? but honestly, whose penis looks like that shrimp? thats awful. the fact that my jewelry made it to this list is pretty amazing but i’ve seen more phallic items on etsy.
Well, the dick is in the eye of the beholder.
so funny… my favourite is the shrimp necklace.. can’t wait to be the centre of attention with that beauty around my neck!!
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