Healing through Tragicrafting: Whitney Houston Edition
One of the great things about Etsy is that it affords any jackass with a glue gun the opportunity to make a quick buck on a dead celebrity.
I call it, Tragicrafting™. It’s an uncontrollable urge to make some sort of “tribute” merchandise, and put it in your Etsy store before the body gets cold. Oh, not to profit, of course, but to heal.
And this weekend, there were an awful lot of crafters trying to get their healing on. I particularly loved this one:
A plastic, battery-operated clock with Whitney Houston’s birth and death dates is a great gift for any occasion! New baby, Quinceanera, even Red Tent parties! What, you think Whitney didn’t have periods? Grow up.
What time is it?
TIME TO HEAL, ASSHOLE
Some people identify so strongly with the dead celebrity, that you really can’t blame the for shitting out a bracelet in 15 minutes. I mean for Christ’s sake, there was the high school speech. And Seventeen magazine! Seriously, she’s almost family at this point. Sometimes I look at my DIVA death clock and just say, “Where did it all go wrong, Aunt Whitney?”
IT’S LIKE SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN THERE
Now we come to the most shameless segment of the TragiCrafting movement… Tragitagging.
Tragitagging • (n) [traj-i-tag-ging] Slapping the name of a recently deceased celebrity on a completely unrelated item that’s been moldering in your Etsy store for months
This is especially sad, as it doesn’t even involve making a new craft to maximize the buzzardry. But you do have to give the seller points for the whole “beautiful but flawed” thing. Personally, I’d have gone with “saving all my stones for you,” but I can’t be everywhere at once.
When I think of triangles, I think Whitney Houston. Isosceles, Equilateral, Scalene, Obtuse… it doesn’t matter. They all say Whitney to me. She was a champion of geometry.
Give me a moment.
When I heard about Whitney Houston dying in a bathtub at the age of 48, two words immediately came to mind:
And finally, a candle. Which is really collectible and super hard to find, unless you also have a printer and a roll of scotch tape.
But the bigger question is, with all these Whitney Houston TragiCrafts popping up on Etsy like vaginal warts, how do you find the best of them?
Well that’s easy – the front page, of course!
Isn’t that beautiful? I think we all know how much Whitney liked bookends.
I’m sure I don’t have tell you how this fuckery was received:
You see? Tragic people dying young isn’t so much sad as it is AMAZING! And fun! Super, super fun. Also, R.I.P.!
Let’s not fight it. After all, opportunism only knocks once! Just sit back and be healed by the growing pile of Whitney Houston TragiCrafts clogging up the Etsy colon.
WHITNEY WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY