Swat Team
This post first appeared on Regretsy on January 19, 2011
The great thing about this is that you can beat the shit out of your kid and stir the spaghetti sauce without leaving the kitchen.
195 comments on Swat Team
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February 12, 2012 at 1:32 pm
my mom has one of these but it says “thou shalt not whine” and there is only one spoon.
February 12, 2012 at 2:11 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Seeing pictures of my kids next to my fetish equipment would put me right out the mood… I generally find children and kink don’t mix… but whatever floats your boat.
February 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm
On the other hand, take the picture of the kids of of the frame and put in a really hot picture of “playtime”…
MS B NEEDS THIS FOR VALENTINES….
February 12, 2012 at 1:34 pm
My mother broke so many wooden spoons over my ass. So, so many. Until I was 14, grabbed the spoon, and broke it in my hands. She never tried again.
February 12, 2012 at 3:54 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Great, another reason for kids to hate Roman numerals.
February 12, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Nothing like encouraging the adorable habit of child abuse! It’s so precious to think of someone using a wooden stick to beat a child! Especially when it matches your kitchen. Wouldn’t want to clash with the decor.
February 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I’m not saying some kids don’t need a spanking. But I don’t think whapping one with a wooden spoon is necessary. I don’t even like kids and this thing seems inappropriate to me.
February 12, 2012 at 2:01 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Geez. I’m glad I live in a country where hurting your own children is every bit as illegal as hurting anybody else.
No kid “needs” a spanking. Ever.
February 12, 2012 at 2:22 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I believe the industry term for what you just did there, Mrs. V., is a “bingo”.
Why is giving birth a prerequisite to determining whether or not a kid deserves to be spanked?
February 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Yes, but for a certain age group (2-4), attention-getting swats on the behind can be more effective than anything else. And even – believe it or not – LESS distressing for the child.
My son (then age 2) used to scream and thrash about when I tried to change his diaper. I had three choices – reasoning with him (worthless!), pin him down and struggle with him while he shrieked, or give him a single swat on the behind, at which point he’d quit struggling and let me finish.
Trust me, being pinned down was WAY more distressing for him.
I would never use an object to hit my child, and I would never do anything more than one or two swats on the behind. I wouldn’t use it as punishment either, only punctuation. And not on a child much older than 4, when there are more effective options.
Spanking is never the only option, I’ll agree with that. But sometimes it IS better than the alternative.
February 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I honestly find the 2-4 age range to be the LEAST appropriate age to spank or swat a child. Toddlers and preschoolers are struggling to express how they feel and often resort to hitting when angry or frustrated. Spanking a child when YOU’RE angry and frustrated seems to send the opposite message from what you want. It only teaches them that hitting out of anger is completely appropriate.
In the interest of full disclosure, though, I find spankings on any age child to be out of line in most- if not all- cases.
February 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm
If you’re spanking out of anger, you are doing it wrong.
February 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm
@Spoofmaster: well said.
February 13, 2012 at 5:51 am
When my kids were two and didn’t want to lie down, I changed them standing up. The alternative is better than spanking.
February 13, 2012 at 6:37 am
No bait since I’m not trolling.
I have two kids. One of them has Aspergers syndrome, ie he acts weird sometimes. None of them have ever been spanked, and now that they’re almost grown up anyway, they never will.
To most Scandinavians, hitting your child in any way is considered cruel, and it can land you serious jail time if it gets reported. All people who work with children professionally are bound by law to report any suspicion of child abuse, a heading under which a “simple” spanking would certainly fall.
This doesn’t mean that our kids as a whole act worse than kids anywhere else. An American might find our children less respectful of authority figures than he or she is used to, but this is how we WANT our kids to be: not blindly following authority.
February 13, 2012 at 6:40 am
Besides, people who hit their children seem to make the common error of mistaking fear for respect.
If you hit me, I may fear you, but I will never, ever respect you!
March 16, 2013 at 8:15 pm
That is what I’ve tried to explain to people for YEARS. I am in my mid 30′s now and I still remember the day that I stopped loving my parents. My father had beat me for whatever reason but I was about as tall as a door knob and I ran to my room and I realized that people that love you shouldn’t hurt you and each time they beat me my disgust grew. When I was 13y/o my folks grabbed a souvenir from Disney that my father had purchased that was about 14 inches and was racial as can be by having the words “Indian Board of Education” painted on it as well as a Native American figure. It was about a half inch thick but mum and dad took turns beating me that evening. I fought back and infuriated daddy dearest when I kicked the board out of his hand and he started to beat me about the face. I had a fat lip, black eye and could hardly walk the next day because I from my neck down I was covered in welts. I hate them to this very day. They deny ever doing any of it..
February 13, 2012 at 7:58 am
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February 13, 2012 at 10:20 am
Of course you can make children behave by hitting them. Why else would people do it?
But you’ll never convince me that this is better than not using violence (which is what spanking is, whatever the intention). If you’re right, all children in Denmark would be running wild, and of course, they’re not.
I do realise that this is cultural, but if the same (or better) results can be achieved without resorting to physical punishment, why would you even consider spanking your children?
February 13, 2012 at 10:40 am
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February 13, 2012 at 10:46 am
I totally agree – spanking doesn’t achieve anything except making your child resent you with a passion which may later turn into, say, serial killing. I’ve literally smacked my daughter once on the behind, and that was to break a screaming hysterical fit she had gotten herself into and couldn’t get herself out of. She stopped crying almost immediately and calmed down.
You should never, EVER hit a child in anger, and frankly, if you’re considering hitting one with an actual designated implement, you’ve gone past discipline and into abuse territory, IMO :/
March 16, 2013 at 8:23 pm
Thank you for that Mandi. Please read my post and you’ll see exactly what happens to people who are beat *that violently and with a racist souvenir from Disney.
Oh and btw, my family is Polish and my username is cholera – like the disease because that is what my mother used to call me – used to say that I was worse than Cholera then beat welts into me.
February 13, 2012 at 10:50 am
“Spanking a child when YOU’RE angry and frustrated seems to send the opposite message from what you want. It only teaches them that hitting out of anger is completely appropriate.”
A. I was always careful not to do it in anger (calm down first).
B. One of the most important lessons to teach a child is that just because the PARENT can do something doesn’t mean the CHILD gets to.
You’d better not drive in front of your kids, or they’ll get the idea that it’s okay for them to. Or drink alcohol. Or stay up late.
Better not send them to their rooms. They might try to force another child into a room. Or hold their hand when they’re trying to run off in a crowd – they might grab another child and not let go. Or any other punishment you might issue.
February 13, 2012 at 11:33 am
As I said above, rushgirl, let him stand while changing him. It worked for both my kids. Once they get into the toddler years, they don’t like lying down for a diaper change. It works… without hitting.
February 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Sorry to be all science-y but: A new meta-analysis of all the (over 80) research studies on the effects of physical discipline (spanking, “swatting,” “popping,” smacking, etc. aka hitting children) points to overwhelming evidence that spanking is more hurtful than helpful: http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/2012/02/07/study-spanking-causes-long-term-damage/ (blog post because the actual study is behind a paywall but I can assure you I’ve read it and it says what the press release says it says).
February 13, 2012 at 5:57 pm
i remember when i had step-kids, then foster kids, and didn’t spank any of them, nearly every parent would tell me “wait until you have one of your own, you’ll spank.” now i have one of my own, no spanks, they assume i’m doing it and lying. *rolls eyes* i’m wicked strict, it works best for me to have tolerance and the utmost respect for my small human housemate.
i’ve been frustrated to the point where i felt like i was going to explode with anger, but hitting just seems completely ludicrous to me, like saying “i’m upset that you haven’t met my expectations, so i’ll hit you.” (although that could be a fun Saturday night for consenting adults, winkwinknudgenudge)
what’s really scary are those who say they don’t spank in anger. that means it’s PREMEDITATED assault. *backs away slowly*
all that being said, spoons are for wimps
February 14, 2012 at 7:32 pm
My daughter hated having her diaper changed from the minute she learned how to finagle her way out of the situation, she did. I have a video on you tube actually of her grandma trying to change her diaper when she’s around 18 months. After 5 and a half minutes we all just collapsed in laughter. And yet, I never spanked her.
1) I gave her something that wasn’t usually a toy to entertain her while we changed her (my keys, my cellphone, my bracelet)
2) I learned how to change her while she was standing up
3) I took it as a cue that she was ready to start potty training.
My husband swatted her butt once and she was hysterical crying. A few hours later i asked her if she understood why daddy spanked her. She looked at me and said “because he wanted to hurt me?”
I’m always intrigued by people who say they were spanked as a child and “they turned out just fine”, because actually, they turned out to be a person who hits little kids to get their attention.
February 12, 2012 at 2:26 pm
If you do it, you shouldn’t really be “hang it on the wall” proud of your whuppings policy.
February 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm
This. I think spanking can and should be used – but sparingly (I only remember being spanked once as a child, and it was a serious offense that brought it about), never in anger, and never in a way that causes actual injury (i.e. no tools). It should not be such a regular part of your family’s life or something you’re so tickled about that you think it’s cute to hang what amounts to a threat on the wall.
February 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Agreed. I personally don’t feel ALL spankings are abuse (though I’m not sure I’d do it), but this kind of thing screams control issues to me. “I spank when I’m pissed, to assert dominance and inspire fear,” not “I spank without anger, as a last resort, to teach that actions and choices have consequences.”
February 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm
Your comment has made me angry at you. I’m so happy that your philosophy allows me to take my anger out on you physically. Don’t worry, I won’t leave a black eye.
February 12, 2012 at 1:49 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Just because some monsters are raping and torturing their kids doesn’t mean that otherwise loving parents can’t abuse the fuck out of their kids through ignorance or stupidity.
Not to get all butthurt about it, but abuse is abuse and if you’re hitting the kid so hard that a tool protects your hands from the blow, you’re hitting your kid way too fucking hard.
WAY too fucking hard.
February 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm
Yeah, that’s kind of like saying that murders happen, so nobody should get upset about muggings.
Or hey, people’s houses get freaking blown up sometimes, so don’t call us just because somebody broke in and trashed your living room.
Focusing only on the worst cases means everything that isn’t that bad becomes A-OK.
February 12, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I got spanked with a wooden spoon exactly once. For cursing mom out and breaking something during a temper tantrum. I deserved it.
February 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm
No, you didn’t.
February 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm
i prefer a orange in a sock, then i am productive while I discipline, and can have marmalade on my toast after i beat them with it. also.. leaves the bruises on the inside. FUCK YEAH!
February 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm
I got spanked with a wooden spoon. but maybe three times in my entire childhood. We didn’t misbehave, and spankings were a last resort.
February 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm
oh, hit enter too early…
anyway, my mother just kept hers in kitchen…no need to hang it up covered in ugly decoupage.
February 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Ya know… if you put a picture of your significant other in there instead of children…. it suddenly becomes a pretty hot Valentine’s Day gift.
February 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Having that thing in my house would be more painful than being hit with a wooden spoon, I think.
February 12, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Maybe change the spoons with a paddle, a flogger, and a riding crop?
February 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm
You read my dirty little mind.
February 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm
Me toooooo
February 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Great dirty minds think alike.
February 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Let’s be friends.
February 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm
I already considered myself a friend of “Steamypink” but if I wasn’t already…. by all means.
February 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm
See… I concur!
February 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm
“These are more for a conversational novelty piece than for actual spankings.”
This is another case where saying nothing at all would have been the better choice. Certainly don’t waffle about whether they are for actual spankings.
February 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm
It’s a way to say “I beat my children!” without actually having to get up out of the recliner or do any cardio.
February 12, 2012 at 2:02 pm
The whimsical decoration makes it super fun, too.
February 12, 2012 at 2:50 pm
You spelled whimsicle wrong. Haven’t you learned anything on Regretsy?
February 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm
“These are more for a conversational novelty piece than for actual spankings.”
Well, yes. Actual spanking spoons would be numbered in binary.
01, 10, 11. “This one goes to eleven”, brrr.
Roman numerals? Sissy, conversational spoons.
February 12, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Spoons were for amateurs. My mom always used a Dr. Scholl’s wooden sandal. My butt still clenches at the sight of a pair.
February 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Mine too.
My butt clenches when I see a pair of Dr. Scholl’s wooden sandals, that is. My mom just used her hand the one time and then cried for an hour and decided that spanking wasn’t going to work… for her.
February 13, 2012 at 9:29 am
Ow! Goddamn but that sounds harsh!
February 12, 2012 at 1:43 pm
My mom’s hands were twisted pretty badly from rheumatoid arthritis. She rarely spanked but i knew I was in trouble when she’d tell me to get a shoe or a wooden spoon. Luckily she lacked the upper body strength to inflict too much pain.
February 12, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Around our house it was the spatula. It made pancake day a 50/50 proposition.
February 13, 2012 at 12:37 pm
My mom had a wooden clothes brush that I swear was as long as my arm. I think she *might* have used it on each of us once, then all it took was the threat of it and we would shape right up.
And you know, I absolutely love and respect my mom today. And I turned out fine. Go figure.
February 13, 2012 at 5:59 pm
define “fine.”
February 12, 2012 at 1:50 pm
We got whipped with a plastic shoe horn that we had to fetch for our dad when he determined a whipping was needed. It sucks pretty bad to fetch the item that will be used in your punishment.
February 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm
My grandma would send my dad to cut the willow switch that would be used on him. Sixty years later, he still hates willow trees.
February 12, 2012 at 1:52 pm
My mother was one inventive bitch. I got whipped with whatever was near by. A plastic coat hanger? Amazing! 3 inch thick, foot and a half long wooden cutting board? Yes, please~!
The more weed she smoked, the more random the items. I think she finally cut back the weed when she thought an egg beater was a good plan. XD
February 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm
My mother had the same “whatever is to hand” policy (unless a foot would work better). One time she got angry while she was holding a butcher knife in her hand. Luckily for me, she brought it down on my head dull-side-first.
Sometimes I wonder if she realizes why I don’t want to see her, and never send her Mother’s Day cards.
February 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm
My mom was another one for spanking with whatever was at hand, though she was a big fan of pinching us with these huge barbecue tongs she often cooked with.
She obviously never hurt me in a permanent kind of way, but to this day she can’t understand why I don’t agree with her assertion that I had a wonderful childhood.
February 12, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Child abuse makes such fun crafts!
February 12, 2012 at 1:54 pm
*in a sing-song Julie Andrews type of voice*…”Just a spoonful of ass whippin’s makes the medicine go down in a most delightful way”
February 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Yikes, this piece gives me nightmares, on several levels.
Not only is it horrible to look at in a fashiodecopaish way, it reminds me of my childhood..
She should force her kids to craft with her instead if they are disobedient.
February 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Phew! At last there’s a way I can preserve those fond memories of the times when my kids have driven me to the point of insanity and I’ve been forced to punish them with kitchen implements. “Ahh, look,” we’ll say, “here’s a photo of the time when you spray painted the cat– spoon number two, was it? Good times!”
February 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Best way to get out of spankings from a parent is to fake moaning and say “oh yes, yes! Harder! Yes!” and say the other parent’s name.
I guarantee that the spankings will stop.
February 12, 2012 at 2:29 pm
You are a sick, sick bastard.
Well done.
February 12, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Brava/bravo. Very twisted.
February 12, 2012 at 10:55 pm
It’s true! I never got spanked much as a kid. Whenever my Mom got angry and decided to spank me, I’d laugh at her. She’d skulk away in defeat and I continued with my playtime. I figured out how to manipulate that shiznit early. =p
February 13, 2012 at 6:01 pm
bah-fucking-HAH! omg i need more thumbs.
February 12, 2012 at 2:23 pm
i know it’s just so whimsical and darling to beat your children with objects that will leave psychological marks as well as physical ones!
now to put on my serious hat
i have spanked my kid a handful of times. and by “spanked” i mean “tapped her on the bum hard enough to get her attention, never hard enough to leave a mark. all hurting your kid like that does is teach them to lie better, hide better, and not trust you when they really fuck up.
February 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm
As I said above, I only remember being spanked once in my life. I don’t remember what I did, but I remember it was very unusual and serious. Most of the time verbal reprimands and time-outs were sufficient.
February 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm
The only time my husband and I have used spanking with our kids is when whatever they were about to do was going to put them, or someone else in damger of serious bodily harm (running into traffic, pushing sis down the stairs, or, just last week, reaching out for the flame of the first gas stove she had ever seen because it was “pretty”). That way, they know that if they ever have to be spanked it’s for something really serious and that they have to STOP whatever it is, no questions asked.
February 12, 2012 at 8:24 pm
^^This.
February 13, 2012 at 6:03 pm
it’s ok alissasaurus, if we ever meet at a Regretsycon, you’ll surely understand when i tap your bum to get your attention
February 12, 2012 at 2:27 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 2:27 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 2:32 pm
I’m going to say– and I base this strictly on anecdotal observation as a cashier and nothing more– that for today’s kids any kind of discipline would be a nice improvement. It doesn’t even have to be a whoopin’ or a threat of one. Just, the occasional “If you don’t listen to me and put that back on the shelf right now you’re going to wait in the car and not get any ice cream” might help.
February 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm
My mom told me about babysitting when she was a teenager – the mother told her son before leaving for the evening that if she heard he had misbehaved, he wouldn’t get to go to a birthday party the next day. The kid was extremely snotty with my mom and she told him she’d tell his mother – and he straight up told her to go right ahead, because she never followed through on her threats anyway.
What I’m saying is it would be nice for parents to have the guts to stand up to their own children and actually enforce some rules. You should never threaten a punishment you won’t follow through on (and it’s amazing how completely unwilling some parents are to discipline their kids even with something as simple as a time-out or not taking them somewhere fun).
February 12, 2012 at 11:29 pm
You hit the nail on the head! I don’t have a lot of experience with the Mom thing because I just have the one child (she’s 15) but – I spanked her twice in her life. This was my method: I put my hand over her toddler butt and slapped the back of it. I learned after the second time that the noise alone was sufficient. After that,I just clapped my hands together for maximum noise. The main tool in my discipline arsenal is the Promise. I state the consequence of an action and pre-set the terms of punishment. If she defies the rules – she loses the phone for 30 days or she is my cleaning lady for a week (or more). That is the promise method – I do not offer parole, time served, or time off for good behavior. I don’t know, it works for me. (survivor of abusive babysitter – the dirty whore – hope she is rotting in Hell).
February 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Exactly. I’ve never hit my child. I believe that people who use spanking as a form of discipline are simply lazy. I would tell my daughter that if she continued to behave badly, she would lose a certain privilege and I always followed through. She knew they were never idle threats so she’d stop whatever she was doing and listen to me. She was a happy child and we lived in an environment without yelling and screeching and she learned the value of things. She appears to be a very well-adjusted adult today and we have a close relationship. As far as I know, she has no plans to write any books about her upbringing.
Now then, spankers… Bring on those thumbs down. I’m ready just like last time this was posted.
February 13, 2012 at 6:13 pm
yeah, consistency to the point of anal retentiveness is key. i explain my expectations ahead of time, like before we go in the store it’s “keep your hands to yourself, don’t ask for anything, if you need help ask me, and who knows you might get a surprise.” for pre-verbal kidlets i bring a stuffed animal they haven’t seen yet/in a while and tell them to “babysit” it through the store, or have them count objects. 3 zillion ways to distract kids, i just roll with it. plus it’s wicked fun “window shopping” with people who have no idea what things are yet, show them an egg beater and ask “what do you think this is for?”
i’m one of those weirdos that loves shopping with kids. no whining allowed, but conversations greatly encouraged. it’s like that show with Bill Cosby where kids say wild things!
February 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm
I remember that when I waited tables. There seem to be quite a few parents out there who seem to think that ANY form of discipline is child abuse.
February 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Someone else already said it, but…if you’re hitting your kid hard enough that you need to use a utensil so you don’t hurt your hand, you are hitting way too hard.
February 12, 2012 at 11:19 pm
I agree. I worked in pet stores for over 20 years and saw spoiled brat after spoiled brat and tantrum after tantrum. I got to see how they talked to their parents and even being 35 years old, I would still get my teeth knocked down my throat if I spoke to my parents the way those kids did.
I had a couple of parents give their kids a smack on the ass in my presence. Or one mother give her son (about 15 years old) a Gibb’s Slap when he banged on my fish tanks because he knew better. I told them I wished I’d seen it more often because everyone is too damned easy on their kids. There is no respect whatsoever and wagging a finger with a stern voice just doesn’t cut it sometimes.
People are getting over riled over these fucking spoons.
The kids have to learn that there is more consequence to their actions than time out.
February 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 2:38 pm
This gives me an idea…. Why buy a predecorated spanking spoon when the kids could do it themselves for craft time. I bet spankings wouldn’t be nearly as bad if there were sparkly hello kitty stickers involved.
February 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm
Spoons are for wimps. My mom used a paddle. About 18 inches long made out of sturdy wood that with holes drilled in it to give it extra speed. Ah memories!
February 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm
When my mother-in-law died and my husband and his sister were going through her things, they found her old sorority paddle as you described. Hubs though it would be funny to give me a little smack on the ass with it. IT HURT LIKE FUCK! And he didn’t try that hard. I shrieked and gave him a glare that would melt tungsten and he felt bad because he didn’t know it would hurt that much.
That hole in the paddle really does remove any air cushion that might otherwise reduce the pain.
February 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm
You got that right. When the paddle came out (not very often thankfully), you knew you were in for a very uncomfortable evening.
February 13, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Our gym teacher had a paddle with holes in it that he used to paddle kids at school who misbehaved. AT SCHOOL! I didn’t know any better as a kid, but as an adult I’m shocked to look back on it. And this was the ’80s, not the ’50s or something.
My dad had his leather belt. He’d make you hold onto something while he whipped you with it. To this day the sound of a leather belt being pulled out of belt loops turns my stomach.
February 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm
i’m sorry, this is all IMO but it turns my stomach to hear people reminiscing (either fondly or not-fondly) about how adults used to assault them when they were young. it’s just so sad
my dad thought it was “discipline” to add a few kicks to my middle back (shoes on of course) after he knocked me down. usually because i’d had an independent thought. years and years of xrays, CAT scans and MRIs later, layers of scar tissue and now bone spurs forming and pressing into my lumbar disks, i’m toddling along with my rolling walker. i’d love to sue the fucker, if i could find him. but it was “discipline” with no visible bruises.
i remember paddling in school! my mom had to send in a form when i entered high school (1980) that said “no corporal punishment.” wild! i remember cracking up every time i thought about the big bad jocks having to bend over for our petite lady principal and her giant paddle.
February 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Spoons are for wimps. My mom used a paddle.
We lived in a lake.
February 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm
Well…at least my parents weren’t the only “holey paddle” users.
Oddly enough, I feel absolutely no comfort in that knowledge. None at all.
February 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I had the pleasure of watching my step-dad go outside and cut a fresh new paddle from a wooden beam (we were building a house) when I was around 8 or so. It hurt like hell, and really pissed me off. My resentment lasted for years. To this day, I despise paddles. I told him when I was 20 or so “That shit was screwed up, and I hated it when you said you’d ‘bust my ass’.”
My opinion didn’t sway him, but then after paddling my 10 year old sister, she ran away from home and disappeared. With a child-killer on the loose in the city at the time, he reviewed his discipline policy when she returned. Pity I couldn’t have had that when I was a kid. Meh.
So no – as a kid who was paddled, I personally don’t look forward to swatting my kids when they come; that theory doesn’t float. If they’re obnoxious little snotgobblers though, my hand may be forced.
February 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm
God, what is this? Was I the only person who never got slapped, spanked, or hit as a child? I never considered my parents any different from everyone else’s but apparently I’m wrong.
February 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm
My parents had a similar size one, but without the holes….and it had the name of the university they attended on it. Funny how they couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go there. (although they never actually used it that I remember; usually if we got it, it was my dad’s belt or my mom’s wooden spoon.)
February 13, 2012 at 12:53 pm
I was waiting for someone else who got the belt. It was always belt or bare hand for us.
My mom had a friend with five little boys and she used to use the wooden spoon. She used to carry it in her purse and if they acted up in public, she would just open her purse and let them see she had it with her. That was usually enough.
February 13, 2012 at 6:26 pm
gah! that sounds positively Mafia! like when they open their jacket just a bit in the movies, so you can see their gun.
February 13, 2012 at 9:40 am
My father has a paddle from his childhood. Everyone who had been spanked with it had to sign it. He came from a huge Irish family so there had to have been at least 20 names on it (not all his siblings, probably some of them are his nephews). When I was a kid he hung it proudly downstairs. Never touched me with it, only threatened to. Scared the shit out of me.
February 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Spoons? Please, that is so last decade. Remote shock collars are the way to go in the electronics age. 18 levels of correction can’t be wrong.
February 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Discipline in the electronics age? I heard it went something like this:
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February 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm
You clever beast! I LOVED that video, and the response that the dad had following up on it after it went viral.
February 12, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Yeah, prolly gonna get voted way down on this, but I thought he was an ignorant, redneck prick who probably just made the whole sitch with his kid escalate by doing shit that the NRA probably doesn’t even endorse as “responsible” gun use.
February 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Ugh. I used to get beat with things (spoons, but usually a heavy yardstick) …. this is one area where my sense of humor utterly fails.
WHY did she put the kids in there? I’d be much less unhappy and disturbed if there was some guy in a gimp mask.
Shit like this makes me feel sick and unhappy.
February 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Because beating consenting adults is sick and terrible, but beating unconsenting children is cute and wholesome.
I’m with you. Not okay and not funny. I’d like to put a picture of me as a child in there. I was beaten, and for some reason I’m never smiling in my family photos.
February 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm
“Because beating consenting adults is sick and terrible, but beating unconsenting children is cute and wholesome.”
This. I never understood this. Why is it ok to hurt something small that loves you near-unconditionally, but illegal to hurt something closer to your own size? I was spanked a lot as a kid, and even though it was usually for doing something bad, I resent the fuck out of my parents for it. And the older I get, the more the idea of ever spanking a kid just enrages me.
February 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm
nothing like combining corporal punishment a little crafts… and bibley definitions of what a rod is. whatevs.
now we know who beats their kids.
>_> this isnt to say i haven’t been whipped myself for something but my grama sure didn’t need to display any “cute crafts” to remind me she could break me in two if she wanted.
February 12, 2012 at 8:31 pm
Speaking of bibley…I was wondering how many people would put a picture of Jesus in the frame.
February 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm
When I was a wee gel, I had this giant knitted doll, with a slot in her back for a wooden spoon. Now, you could slide the spoon out, and it was the spanking spoon. So I knew I was up shit street when my mum would go get the giant doll (her name was Belinda).
I was thrashed by my mother every now and then, and I deserved almost every one. However there was a big difference between the ones she gave (to punish me for being a shit) and the ones my dad gave (because he was drunk). I knew the difference. I never resented the spankings I got from my mum because I could always see I deserved them, I have never forgiven my dad for the ones he gave me.
Kids know the difference between discipline for love and for anger.
I don’t have any problem with spanking as a last resort discipline tool for kids (even if you do have to escalate to a switch or a belt) – I do have a problem with beating your kid from anger, which is abuse.
February 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm
A plastic spoon? Amateurs.
We have a wooden paddle hanging up on the wall here. My grandfather was a principal in the 60,70s, and early 80s, and that was the paddle for the kids who wouldn’t behave.
I was never spanked with anything other than a hand. Spankings were a last resort in my household, and I received maybe 3 or 4 in my lifetime.
I had an interesting discussion with a kid in high school who thought spanking wasn’t effective, and you shouldn’t be able to spank your kids. Turns out his parents spanked him, and his sister, for every minor infraction, so it lost the impact. I felt the occasional spanking when warranted was okay. We never agreed.
February 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm
The one time I remember getting a spanking, I recall that it was a shock to me – and thus very effective. I think what stuck with me was less the pain than the impression that my parents felt that what I’d done called for more drastic action than anything I’d been punished for before.
February 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm
What’s all the fuss about?
There is no spoon.
February 12, 2012 at 4:02 pm
I think it’s interesting that nearly everyone who thinks it’s ok to hit a child was hit as a child.
February 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Well, maybe that’s because most of us recognize that the spankings weren’t abusive, they weren’t undeserved, and they were effective.
Things look very different when you’re an adult. When I was a kid, I hated the words “because I said so,” being grounded, not being allowed to eat a cookie before dinner, having to get a shot, and so forth. Just because it was unpleasant doesn’t mean that my parents were being cruel to me, even if I might have thought so at the time.
February 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Of course, I fully recognize that some parents DO spank abusively. I just don’t think it’s all abusive.
February 12, 2012 at 4:59 pm
One of the themes I’ve noticed in the comments tonight is that many of the people who are saying it’s not okay to spank, ever, had parents who spanked them excessively. For them it wasn’t a rare punishment associated with very serious infractions, which is what it should be if you’re going to spank at all.
February 13, 2012 at 7:05 am
I can only remember being spanked once and I don’t remember it hurting – just that I was embarrassed to have done something so bad as to deserve spanking.
Regardless, I think it’s always wrong to hit someone (except in self-defense). Might =/= Right
February 13, 2012 at 6:32 pm
you deserved better. you deserved their willpower, self-understanding, ingenuity, and patience.
February 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm
My mother smacked me a couple of times with a flyswatter. Didn’t hurt near as bad as it grossed me out.
February 12, 2012 at 10:51 pm
Ah, I was wondering if there were any other flyswatter victims. My grandmother’s preferred method for spanking was the flyswatter, she even had a fancy, pink one on the wall that had something cross-stiched on it. She didn’t use it for the swatting, for that she used a regular one, but I never trusted that fancy flyswatter…who decorates with a flyswatter?
February 13, 2012 at 12:09 am
That’s a little scary. She planned to use a flyswatter against children…very odd woman.
February 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm
my nana swatted my butt with a flyswatter…
February 25, 2012 at 9:34 pm
who decorates with a flyswatter?
My mom.
She had one hanging on the dining room wall that was covered in pink lace and had potpourri in it.
February 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Kids should just be glad the 70′s fashions are over. I used to get “corrected” with a VERY wide leather belt. These spoons wouldn’t even sting.
February 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm
When I went to grade school, the principal still spanked kids. Yes, even in the 70′s.
February 12, 2012 at 7:40 pm
I got paddled in 1988.
February 12, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Psh. I finally registered just for this. I was paddled by the principal circa 1999 in a rural Tennessee middle school. The principal used to patrol the halls while we were lining up for lunch while carrying her wooden paddle with holes drilled through it. I seem to remember that that spanking didn’t hurt nearly as much as I expected, though.
February 13, 2012 at 8:44 pm
i think they should institute paddling for adults. imagine what a productive workforce we’d have!
nahh, the masos would be messing up on purpose and it’d throw the whole system off
February 13, 2012 at 2:46 am
My youngest cousin was actually paddled just last year. I’m not quite sure what he did, but knowing him it was something extreme.
February 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Oh, the teachers even did it at my school. They had HEAVY wooden paddles.
(except the teacher who had the paddle from a paddle-ball, and broke it on my first-grade “boyfriend.”)
February 13, 2012 at 12:59 pm
I also was paddled by my principal in the mid 1980′s. I ran into him a few years ago and all I could think was “this man paddled me.” It was very awkward (for me.)
February 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm
When I was a teen I babysat for a family with two kids. The first time I sat for them, the mom showed me a wooden spoon and said if the kids acted up, I should use it to smack them. On the inside of the forearm, if I remember right. As soon as she left, I told those kids, “I want you to know right now, I will NEVER use that spoon on you.” They were absolute angels with me, I sat for them for several years and never had any trouble.
February 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm
My dad got “corrected” quite forcefully as a kid, so he decided not to use any kind of physical punishment on my brother and me. Now, I was a pretty quiet & obedient kid, and I don’t remember them even having to yell at me much. My brother on the other hand is and was extraordinarily willful, belligerent, and disrespectful. They never exercised any real discipline on him- he soon learned that groundings and verbal scolding were a small price to pay for doing whatever he damn well pleased. Now he’s grown up, over 6 feet, and treats my mom worse than you can imagine, because he knows he can.
My point is that corporal punishment is unnecessary and inappropriate for some kids- but for others, who need putting in their right place, it may be the only effective way of discipline. Some kids need a strong hand. It’s important to discern which ones do and reserve this kind of thing for them
February 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Excellent point. You really do have to tailor the discipline to the individual child. Some children really don’t respond to much else, especially when they’re too little to be reasoned with.
My daughter RARELY needed any spankings; usually a sharp word was more than enough. My son, however, would rarely respond to anything BUT a swat on the behind. It didn’t have to be very hard at all, but it got his attention way better than talking or even yelling; it was as if he just tuned me out entirely.
February 12, 2012 at 4:32 pm
Hitting smaller, defenseless people is what bullies do. I chose early on, when they were toddlers, not to be a bully to my children.
Did I ever get totally frustrated and hit one of them with a wooden spoon? Yes. It made me feel like a shit-heel. I couldn’t even bear to use that spoon to cook with again, so I threw it away.
BTW, I’m allowed to have this opinion because I have given birth twice. The fact that the last time was almost 30 years ago doesn’t count against me, does it?
February 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Sorry to get all serious on y’all, but having been beaten throughout my childhood with wooden spoons, rulers, belts, and even a paddle the size of a breadboard with holes drilled in it “so it’ll hurt more,” I just don’t find anything to joke about when it comes to child abuse disguised as “discipline.”
February 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm
This item sends shudders down my spine in a bad way.
If it wasn’t a wooden spoon it was a fly swatter. If it wasn’t a fly swatter it was Milk of Magnesia – my legal guardian used that as punishment. If you threw up, you would get double.
Fuck that listing for making me remember that shit.
February 12, 2012 at 11:36 pm
Agreed Little Bird. Not as rough as you had it but bad enough…bad enough.
February 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm
I hope it’s sturdy, my mom used to break the regular kitchen spoons on us.
February 12, 2012 at 5:06 pm
The only thing spanking teaches kids, is that might makes right. Not the message parents that most parents are trying to convey, hopefully.
February 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm
And, they learn that hitting people is a solution to problems.
Hitting others is never the answer and that should be a lesson that is taught to children. Anger is not a bad emotion and it is something that should be worked through non-violently to find an actual solution. Self control is so much more important than just giving in and allowing an impulse to take over.
I do not like this listing, I think it’s wrong! I don’t have children, but was beaten very severely as a child for years and years. It destroyed me and was it all in the name of discipline. So, I don’t see this listing as being cute or fun or anything that anyone should be proud of at all.
Sorry to get heavy there.
February 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm
So, the more discipline the child needs, the further away he/she needs to be from you?
February 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm
If you think corporal punishment is ‘just fine’ for children, think about how you’d react if your boss at work was allowed to do that to you. Beating your ‘inferiors’ to make them behave ( or because the boss / lord / overseer was having a bad day) was Just Fine throughout history, until the 19th Century. You want that kind of relationship between the weak, and the powerful, you can still have it in a whole lot of the Middle East. In Western Civilization, it’s assault if the victim is an adult human – but kids? Sorry to rant, but from working with Child Protective Services, believe me, you wouldn’t want to see the documentation photos of THOSE kids – hundreds of them in one single county – who … ‘needed a “spanking” …’
February 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 8:29 pm
I would also like to comment that while I would not tolerate my boss dictating my bedtime or my diet or sending me to time-out, it is not unreasonable for a parent to do those things to their child.
February 13, 2012 at 2:02 am
I believe that the point was that physical assault is never okay, and that it is particularly egregious for an adult to assault a child, yet many people (like yourself) seem to think it is okay. I wonder if you would be so quick to approve of someone beating a disobedient animal?
Yes, parents have far greater authority over their children than an employer has over their employee. They are also given far greater leeway to exercise that authority. These make any abuse of their authority more, not less, repugnant.
February 14, 2012 at 7:19 am
If my cat sticks her face in the boiling pot of soup, yeah, I’m gonna smack ‘er. She’ll understand a lot less painfully from that.
February 14, 2012 at 8:11 am
If my cat sticks her face in a boiling pot of soup, I’m taking her to the vet.
February 13, 2012 at 9:03 pm
boss/parent and employee/child may be apples and oranges, but humans have the same essential needs, regardless of age. my kidlet needs me to help her learn all the skills she’ll need to survive on her own in this world. it feels like more of “we’re a team” than boss/employee dynamic. everyone has their expectations of everyone else in the household, same as at work. the team HAS to function. everyone needs to know their place, their jobs. i have to build the parameters inside which the child is safe, yet allowed to test her environment, her elders, other children – creating a *critical thinker*. every kid is different, some need to be micromanaged, others are leaders. hell, every day is different!
i remember what it was like to want-what-i-wanted-when-i-wanted-it and have a low frustration tolerance. empathy helps, big time. my girl only acts out when i’ve allowed a situation to overstimulate her, so i have to change the rules/venue, rather than have unrealistic expectations.
February 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm
I wish I could have met my grandfather because every time my grandmother told my mom to get his belt so he could give my mom a whuppin’, he would just send my mom to her room. Grandpa Willie: eh was a pretty cool guy and didn’t afraid of anything.
I myself was spanked a couple times as a kid, though those were a few occasions where I was being completely insufferable. Honestly, I am thankful no one ever even thought to use a belt on me. Awful.
About this listing, I just want the cooking utensils. Fuck the picture frame, straight into the fire pit out back it goes, along with its extremely misplaced and twisted sense of “humor”. Roman numeral spoons at play in my kitchen, though… shit yeah.
February 12, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I got spanked with cutting board with a handle on it. Not often, but more than once. I don’t remember what it was that caused it, but I seriously doubt I ever did it again. I am not traumatized by this and I have never had any fear or any ill feelings about cutting boards. Nor do I harbor any ill will towards my parents for spanking me. I would also say that I had a good childhood. I was not abused.
February 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm
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February 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm
lol me saying I have a good relationship with my demon spawn was downvoted. that is kinda funny…
February 14, 2012 at 8:15 am
Actually, it’s kinda pathetic.
February 14, 2012 at 8:16 am
I mean–
No, never mind.
February 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm
On a less contentious note…can we just step back and appreciate how ugly this thing is as a craft item? They didn’t even adjust the position of the hook on the back (or add a second one) to compensate for the large spoon being heavier and dragging one side down when it’s hung on the wall. The letters are out of alignment, too, and that swirly thing on the right clashes with the cutesy rainbow of block letters they’re trying to establish.
February 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm
I like that the letters appear to be scrapbooking letters, encased in one of those cheap laminating self-stick sheets.
February 12, 2012 at 8:55 pm
You’re right. It’s pretty fucking ugly and stupid looking. Then again, it would have to be. Someone, who thinks this is a good idea, is probably pretty fucking stupid in the first place meaning that their manual dexterity is probably off. Breathing through your mouth can make it difficult to be creative and make things look pretty or even interesting. Of course, the anger issues may make crafting a frustrating proposition indeed, the fewer steps and the easier the craft, the better.
Just sayin’…
February 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Okay, belatedly and tangentially –
Why is “mouth-breather” synonymous with “fucking stupid”? What is it about having a nose that doesn’t work that makes a person incapable of intelligent thought?
February 22, 2012 at 2:36 am
I have wondered about this as well. My nose isn’t all that good, but I’m fairly certain it hasn’t slowed my brain.
February 12, 2012 at 10:56 pm
When I was a kid (before dirt was invented) our mom made us go retrieve the implement of torture. We had to get the broken reins and hand them over, then let her get at least one good smack in before running out of reach til she tired.
If she didn’t feel she had gotten us good enough – or if we had REALLY fucked up – we had to endure the agony of a Dad-lecture. Far more scarring than a mere beating. Guilt is a powerful tool.
February 12, 2012 at 11:26 pm
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February 12, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Haha! I have a funny joke! Give a kid a fat lip and put mustard on it! HAHAHAHAHA! Now that shit’s funny right? I suppose in hindsight it could be but at the time it hurt like hell (and that was a day that demon whore was in a good mood). You’re dangerously close to flouncing up there too as am I down here. Glad this hysterical fucking shit didn’t dredge up any bad memories for you. Have a day.
February 13, 2012 at 12:32 am
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February 13, 2012 at 12:29 am
I’m disabled because of what my father did to me…I can’t take it as a joke because it isn’t. Childhood trauma or not, I can’t fucking move my back properly since my vertebrae have fused together from the injuries and I have to go to physical therapy every week to ensure that I will be able to fucking walk after the age of 40.
Not funny…not funny at all. Fuck all the dissociative disorders I have, as well, being able to freaking have a near out of body experience with trauma is funny as hell. That isn’t real, right. It’s so funny beat the shit out of children. So, fucking funny. I’m scared to have children of my own…
I wish I had a childhood I could look back and laugh at. Laughing at other people’s pain is the tits…yeahh….
February 13, 2012 at 12:34 am
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February 13, 2012 at 12:59 am
It just brings back a lot of bad memories. Hearing my father cackle about how hitting a kid is alright…about how if he missed it wouldn’t count, almost bragging.
I just don’t believe in hitting children…sorry if I can’t find humor in it even if it seems as innocuous as just a thing hanging on the wall to prevent misbehavior in small children.
February 13, 2012 at 2:35 am
But the reason it’s on Regretsy is that only an asshole would think it’s cute to hang the implements of child punishment on the wall, with decoupage and a framed photo of your kids and shit. Guess that part went right over your head.
February 13, 2012 at 10:22 am
Just to be clear, I was addressing pearlheartgtr, not RSC.
February 13, 2012 at 4:52 pm
I feel ya, love. Community means coming together for each other… We can bitch here, because we feel comfortable. We love Regretsy, because we’re all a bit fucked up. If the lucky ones that had a wonderful childhood wander through and judge… well… fuck em.
February 13, 2012 at 4:58 pm
and my reply was for RSC… what the balls??
February 13, 2012 at 9:18 pm
i hear you RSC. i found it creepy she put in a pic of the kids, and mentioned spanking. without the kid factor, it’s just a fugly weird craft.
i love dark humor, but it’s hard to laugh at assault on a minor. crappy items like this are what keeps “it’s ok to hit kids” in the mainstream, they attempt to “make it okay” and “normal,” so generations of people don’t have to feel guilty.
i can’t solve this dichotomy: 1) if one spanks or hits a child in anger, it’s abuse, but 2) if one takes the time to calm down and think things through, and they *still* want to lay your hands on their child … how is that better???
for me, that time is used to talk to another parent, search the net, or look in books for creative solutions. i figure if the child sees the parent *working* on a solution to the problem, they can learns that’s just how the world works. so when they’re upset with a friend, their first instinct won’t be to hit, it’ll be to think.
February 14, 2012 at 7:18 am
Call me a hypocrite, but I’m objecting to your phrasing there. For the reasons described immediately below, I think creative punishments are a hell of a lot worse than a quick, light smack. Note that books on “creative” punishments for children from ages past are now collectible fetish literature.
See also: the parents in the church I used to attend who thought it was abusive to make kids skip dinner, so made them dump bottles of Tabasco on their dinner instead of skipping it. Or who thought it was abusive to spank and would instead force the child to stand silently with their nose to the wall while the rest of the family laughed and talked about their day.
I think it’s a matter of taking the time to think things through and deciding that a small amount of physical discomfort is the best solution, not taking the time to come up with something “clever.”
February 14, 2012 at 8:23 am
Nowadays, when even allegedly smart, educated people think that hitting a child (even one with learning disabilities) is OK, a “creative solution” would be “logical consequences.”
Dood! It’s a Thing!!
It is NEVER “logical” to hit a person smaller than you who can’t fight back! NEVER FUCKING EVER!
February 13, 2012 at 2:23 am
I think that this thread, may be the reason sad hipster is sad.
February 13, 2012 at 2:23 am
I remember exactly two swats on the ass that I got as a kid. One, I ran out into a parking lot and my dad grabbed me and gave one swift swat. The other, I was about twelve and back-talked my mom, and she again gave me one swift swat. In my case, I was a lippy little shit. Grounding and time-outs never worked for me because I liked being alone. Generally, I got yelled at, though I know those aren’t the only times I got “a spanking”. I preferred the swats, because the yelling hurt more. I have no problem with that solution – the one swift swat on the butt. It didn’t hurt – it was too fast, and didn’t make full contact. But it got my attention like nothing else could. However, my parents never spanked more than that one swift swat – we didn’t get paddled. My mom’s dad had spanked with a belt when she was a kid, and my dad’s dad had spanked with whatever was handy (and not always on the backside). They never wanted to go that way.
February 16, 2012 at 9:08 am
Exactly. The very few spanks I got as a kid did not harm me. (Very few, a swat or two, for serious acting up) The 1/2 hours standing in the corner, the constant grounding for minor infractions, and the verbal/emotional abuse… those fucked me up.
February 13, 2012 at 5:49 am
I don’t suppose this is the place for this, but I’m doing it anway: Shall we talk about the sexual fetishes I was left with by the combination of a Catholic upbringing, a Baptist adolescence, and my mother’s “disciplinary” tactics?
Seriously, people, THINK about the process of eroticizing feelings of helplessness or ambiguity — a very common way of coping with either — before you decorate and fetishize your instrument of “discipline.”
I’m not sayin’ this is everybody or that it’s anywhere near as bad as the physical abuse some people in this thread have described — but if you need a fresh take on “don’t punish your kids and then decorate with the evidence,” brother do you not want that kid to turn out like me. :p
February 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm
I used to do fetish presentations for the human sexuality classes at my college… And yes a violent upbringing, and various other events made me into the masochistic weirdo that I am today. So this makes sense. My son doesn’t respond to pain like most people… lol. I’m afraid he might be like me one day… I start to freak out about that then I just take an extra xanax >_>
February 13, 2012 at 9:19 am
They are multi-purpose spoons, spanking and porridge – III is for papa bear, II for mama bear and I for for baby bear.
February 13, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Hitting a child is never okay. Never.
February 13, 2012 at 8:22 pm
As a former pro Dom in SF, and now suburban mother of one unruly son, this hilarious! And no, I would never spank my child.
February 14, 2012 at 1:17 am
Parenting: ur always doin it wrong.