- Submitted by Denise
The Bloodhound Gang?
at that size it only requires one change a month….
That would definately cause toxic shock syndrome.
Of *epic* proportions…
Red rover red rover, send April right over
I love that “Pet Humiliation” is a new Regretsy category now. I shudder to think, what will be next?
It hurts when I laugh. This picture put me in a great deal of pain. But it was a good pain. I may be developing masochism. Oh yeah, hurt me, hurt me goooooood.
I think it’d be cool if my tampons squeaked.
it would be a good way to let your partner know that there will be no nookie tonight. just walk in the room squeaking from your nether regions.
Just put a towel down!
Also a great way to test your Kegel strength!
Yes! Now I want a squeak-able vagina-toy. I guess I could do a reverse and check out the dog toy section but I;d have to be careful to sterilize.
This is why Etsy needs to bring back alchemy.
If you were clever with your rubber cup placement, you might manage an unfortunate fart noise.
I would have a BAJINGO OF STEEL from all the squeezing I’d be doing!
That’s the new Superman movie title, isn’t it?
Would Kryptonite be like an STD?
Superman & The Bajingo of Steel!
Villan names would be awesome! Vaginosis, Mistress Menses, Dr. Yeasty, The Taintmaster, just to name a few.
Yes, because that’s what you want to encourage your dog to dig out of the bathroom trashcan…
I had a dog that would, embarrassingly, do just what you’re trying not to think about. She didn’t have any sort of instructive squeaky-toy to train her, either.
We had a freaking beagle when I was a teeanger. Heaven forbid you forgot to close the bathroom door because that dog would have a grand old time is strewing and shredding bloody pads and tampons everywhere. Ugh….
Yep. It happened to me while visiting relatives. Embarrassing as hell!
Better yet is when your boyfriend’s dog eats your tampon and then pukes it back up on the beige carpet…
And we let that bitch sleep in the bed with us!
A dog my family had when I was growing up did that once. Only it wasn’t ONE tampon, it was about six. And when my dad got up in the wee hours and saw the regurgitated horror on the floor, he was convinced the dog had murdered a family of white mice.
A couple years back, my nephew went to take the dog out to do her business. He came back in a few minutes later, grabbed some paper towels and headed back out. When he finally came in, he did NOT look happy. We asked him what happened.
The dog was trying to poop, straining and having a horrid time, he saw she had something stuck in her butthole, so he grabbed the paper towels so he could grab it and pull it out, as she was in such discomfort (kid is way too nice), got ahold of it, pulled it out, and it was a tampon.
For months after that, if someone mentioned something about having a bad day, he’d give us a look of scorn and say “Oh yeah?? Did you pull a tampon out of a dog’s ass? Hmm????”
And let’s not forget what would happen to one’s panties if you had a yeast infection and didn’t take them to the dirty laundry right away.
So it’s okay to talk about dogs digging bloody tampons out of the trash and not able them getting at our panties?
Apparently not, but I can relate. There’s a story in my family of my aunt’s panties all having holes in them after the dog decided they were it’s favorite toy.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think it was just dogs getting at our underwear that got you thumbed down. My guess? Two magical, horrible words: Yeast infection.
I worked for a vet that used to board animals…we got this little obnoxious toy dog in a crate to board, from a very unlikable woman. we take the bitey-yappy thing out of the crate, and put it’s bedding in it’s boarding cage. we find this “toy” of knotted up cloth. Suspicious, we had to open it up (with sterile instruments), and it was a very large pair of very old looking panties. with some short & curlies still on them. I had nightmares for weeks.
LurksMostly, was “teenanger” a mistake or intentional? Either way, what a great term! I think most teens are “teenangers” at heart.
We had a poodle that shredded pads.(Sniffle)I don’t feel so alone anymore. Only he’d drag the shredded remains down the hall. And it was inevitably on the days I wasn’t the first one home.
I love my cats. They leave that stuff alone!
thats what gave her the idea……
My visits from the Crimson Devil are very long and very heavy, to the point that I had to start wearing disposable underwear lined with pads in order to sleep for two-three hours without needing to change the sheets and clean the mattress. (And, yes, FINALLY getting this dealt with. UTERINE ABLATION FTWMF’nW!)
Anyway. I also have ferrets. My sweet little girl, Bowie, turned out to be quite the collector. When I discovered the used products she had been stealing and stashing, I a) contacted the CDC in hopes they would quarantine and burn my apartment to the ground and b) promptly bought a diaper pail for my bathroom. Tall, lidded, and odor-proof: I HAVE TRIUMPHED OVER THE WEASEL.
Well done! I have ferrets as well, and TRIUMPHING OVER THE WEASEL is quite the feat.
My little dears have never gone after used products, but I accidentally discovered that tampons fresh in their wrappers are apparently the BEST FERRET TOY EVER,at least according to my first two little girls. The point of the exercise is to separate all the component parts out, shred them, and then disseminate them as widely as possible in keeping with the precepts of Ferret Shui.
I’m not sure if buying this for your dog would be more or less embarrassing than your dog bringing you an actual tampon out of the bathroom trash.
That tampon toy would embarrass my dog.
I’ve just gone into toxic shock.
What the hell is this woman thinking?
Hmmm. Maybe ‘what do I have to do to get a mention on Regretsy?’
Objection. Assumes facts not in evidence.
Probably the same thing all the Etsy sellers offering similar cat toys are thinking.
Why are the most moronic items (almost) always crocheted? Goddamit, as a crocheter, I am offended!
I wonder that too. It seems like there is a ratio of 50:1 when it comes to knitting patterns vs. crocheting, but none of them look anything like this.
Maybe it’s because our artistic method allows for more free-form composition?
Or in this case, we can call it “decomposition”?
I don’t know either, I’ve burnt out a few brain cells in my attempt to suss out the reasons. At this point I’m just muttering obscenities, shaking my fist and making rude gestures in the general direction of the person who made that abhorrence.
And her gauge is off too!
It’s just enormous! All I can think about is toxic shock syndrome >__>
I wonder if Michelle Duggar needs one that big.
Sorry, but the editor in me can’t resist, considering the context:
It’s not a clown car?
Well, not supposed to be a clown car.
She’s had 5 (I think) since then, and has two grandkids. Looks like the next generation is keeping up the traditions of popping them out.
I bet Michelle Duggar just shoves a whole roll of Brawny paper towels up there when it is that time of the month.
Heck no. In order to have a period, you need to spend some time not being pregnant.
Kong and Diva Cup need to pair up to make a dog toy that I can fill with ketchup for that extra realistic feel.
It’s very, very hard to gross me out. Well done, KatP!
And I’m done eating my late lunch. I was hungry, too…. Curse you, Kat! :p
I hate you, KatP. I thumbed you up for getting me to heave when I thought I was virtually unheavable, but I still hate you.
Let’s go get smashed. Killer’s tab.
*says with grimace on face* if you think that’s great, you can order the gag gift one…oh yay…I have many friends I’d love to give a pretend bloody tampon to…
I was actually just wishing I could afford to order the gag one.
No, really. My family has a…I guess you could call it a tradition(?) where we try to gross my husband out by leaving disgusting-looking things (such as, say, a printout of Tub Girl) where he will come across them when he’s least expecting it. The gag gift size bloody tampon would be SO perfect. I can already see his reaction. BEAUTIFUL.
Yes, yes, I ALREADY KNOW there’s something deeply wrong with me and mine. Please, there’s no need to rub it it.
Oh no- I just had to look up Tub Girl. Whyyyyy???
If I hadn’t read any of the text and just looked at it, I would think it was a badly crocheted (uneven color work) ’50s comic book space rocket (with a hanging fuse to be lit).
That’s my imagination and I’m sticking with it.
That’s awesome, from now on out I am calling tampons space rockets.
Gives new meaning to the term “crotch rocket”.
Because we all know if you put it away when company is coming, it will reappear in the most embarrassing way possible. Like when the dog brings it to your dad to play fetch.
Now thats class!
I prefer the this bloody tampon kitty toy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/62749163/cat-toy-tampon-catnip-weird-pet-toys . The etsy seller also makes catnip-filled penises, dynamite, light sabers, fetuses, and so much more! I will definitely be purchasing from her at some point. <3
Much more realistic, and somehow cuter when smaller…
There is some great stuff there!
I know! I think my kitties need the dynamite and nunchucks… maybe a zombie finger or eyeball too
I rather like the fetus. Wish I knew some right-to-lifer who has a cat…
I think I’ll buy a gross to hang on all the crosses one of the local churches puts up during “right to life” month every year.
With my luck everyone will just say “KEWT!” though.
In that case, you need to install a video camera, because a photo wouldn’t capture the full effect.
Seems to be a popular theme…
Those are just… splendiforous! Thank god I can’t actually afford to spend money on such frivolities, and therefore my pet’s dignity remains intact. (for now)
I’d totally buy the boob ones for my sister’s cat.
That’s one of my good friend’s shop, she’s awesome. Check out her other shop http://handmademonster.etsy.com if you haven’t already for more awesome stuff (including a Yoda ears hat for dogs).
My cat Buddy loves to chew on a wrapped new tampon. It’s his favorite toy. He prefers the the Tampax Pearl wrapped tampons to the Playtex wrapped tampons.
I have a cat named Buddy also… he likes AAA batteries.
This has to be merely one of the products in the Crocheted Canine Crudities Collection. Next up, giant crocheted cat shit (with kitty-litter beading), life-sized crocheted decomposing squirrel, and the piece de resistance, crocheted used diaper.
Although I have to warn her, dogs aren’t impressed by replicas. So she’ll have to get the smells right if she expects this to take off.
So she’ll have to get the smells right if she expects this to take off.
Oooh! I’m sensing an opportunity for a new fragrance… “Vulva: Code Red”?
Did they crochet cat poop too? That’s another dog favorite. Our vet used to call them “Kitty hot dogs”. I didn’t eat hot dogs for the longest time after that.
Around here we call them “kitty truffles.” It’s ok, I can’t afford to eat real truffles anyway (the fungus kind not the chocolate kind).
We call them Almond Rochas at my house.
Somewhere in there, there’s a Team Jacob/Team Edward joke, but I haven’t had enough coffee yet to think of it.
Oh good. Now all we need is a cat litter covered cat turd squeaky toy for dogs.
*tapping paws and waiting*
If I could crochet…I would totally make this.
I crochet. I have dark brown yarn. And for the litter, some white yarn and tan yarn (perhaps a green-white, for eco-friendly litter). I could do this, but I’d be so queasy the whole time I’d be crocheting, and I crochet (and knit) to relax and wind down, not amp up the anxiety and “ick” factor. Sorry, BGS, not even for you! (And I don’t know where to buy a squeaker, anyway.)
Is o k…i found a way into the back room and steal cat shit all the time without me bitch maid knowing. our secret.
CALL NOW! AS SEEN ON TV! It’s a squeeky toy! It’s a bloody tampon! It’s a bottle rocket! 3 fabulous gifts in one! Call SIUYC Inc. (shove it up your cunt) today!!!!!!
From the offices of SIUYC Inc., Flushing Meadow, NY 11351
The factory is in Intercourse, PA.
Oh please God, let that be photoshopped. Spongebob shoved up my teen’s cooter… my mind recoils in horror. HORROR
I Know it’s wrong, but I would buy these.
So would I. In a heartbeat.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your frame of mind), this appears to be a fake.
this isnt really a thing, is it? IS IT???
Where’s my vodka?
On that note, apparently vodka-soaked tampons are actually causing problems in some high schools (the users being of both genders).
I heard that from my nephew when I took him out for his 21st birthday. I thought he was making it up until I googled it. Crazy! I also recently heard that gummi bears soaked in vodka are popular with teens. They go in the other end though. Hehe.
You know, until I read your post I thought that the kids carried vodka-soaked tampons as a way to sneak the liquor into school and then suck ‘em dry (they make plastic tampon carriers, so it’s not like pockets and bags would be wet).
Now that I know how the vodka is extracted I’m going to curl up in a ball and weep for humanity.
Gummy bears soaked in rum = best/tastiest way to sneak booze onto a plane.
Well he *does* live in bikini bottom.
…and works at the crusty crab…
That gives a disturbing new meaning to “sponge-worthy.”
Tamp-on! Tamp-off! The Tamper!
I hate people.
Does the Keeshond come with it??
I have a feeling he’d beg you to release him from his imprisonment with crazy crochet lady.
I smell a partnership deal with the makes of Vulva perfume in the works!
The dog toy market has been dominated by masculine toys for too long! Down with the bone – we all know what they are really chewing on. Bring on a line of feminist dog toys – the crocheted douche bag and panty liner. Available in salmon and anchovy. Wait, what?
Who needs a bone? They already make chew toys out of real bull’s penis.
Why, WHY did I have to read about how they make those things? I could have just read the description, but no. I just HAD to keep reading. And I really, REALLY DID NOT NEED the images I have in my head right now.
I may never eat again.
My dog loves bully sticks. It wasn’t until months later that I realized what they really were. They come in 4′ long pieces. I would never have believed it.
Poor Debbie, poor poor Debbie. She always thought she was a free spirit. Even thou she was a mother of 2, she always thought she had still had a hip cool side to her. So she bought the bloody tampon dog toy as a hipsterish joke. It quickly became Goldie’s, her golden retriever, favorite toy.
However, later that month, at her eldest daughters birthday party, Goldie wanted to play fetch. Unable to reach his favorite toy, Goldie found the nearest, closest alternative. Seventeen, 7 years were traumatized for life. It will go down as the worst birthday party ever.
So, where are the used condom cat toys?
In the wastebasket?
“….And next, down the parade route, comes the Etsy Menstruation Corps, doing their exquisitely choreographed routines!”
“Wow! Wasn’t that amazing! Join us after these messages for more of the Annual Parade of Fuckery!”
I am grateful all tampons do not squeek. It would drive the dog crazy.
Is it so wrong that I really like this seller? She has some awesome stuff, reasonable prices, and obviously a slightly twisted sense of humor.
I love her rag rugs, but this is probably my favorite thing in her shop:
Clown Fish Bag Drawstring Tote – $25
Oooh, wait a sec. There’s also this:
Pineapple Pot Holder
FOUR DOLLARS? Four dollars and FREE SHIPPING? This is soooooo mine.
Perfect gift for a Psych fan (i.e., me).
I favorited this one before you posted it. I’m a crocheter and I find it a clever way to achieve pineappleness.
Very pineappley, also cheerful in a hard-to-put-your-finger-on kind of way.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
also perfect for a certain Reddit subforum
Do you find yourself watching other TV shows and shouting, “THERE’S A PINEAPPLE!”
My boyfriend and I do the same thing in real life too.
Holy crap! I have been looking for creative pineapple stuff for a way to one-up my friend who got me hooked on Psych! He gave me a pineapple, so I gave him a pineapple christmas ornament. I want to be ready with something cool so he can never out-pineapple me!
This is what my boyfriend got me for my birthday last year:
BTW, this is one of my favorite Etsy shops – gorgeous candles that smell sooooooo good, and a super nice seller.
Damnit. Now I want to eat some pineapple.
Fucking food cravings.
FYI, she’s got another pineapple up now in case anyone else wants one!
Nice find! That’s pretty and funny.
I just looked over her store. Actually, I don’t mind that stuff; there’s a retro goofiness with the dollface potholders and kitchen towels, and anyone who also does bloody tampon squeak toys definitely has a sense of humor. Her retro stuff takes me back to the church bazaars of my youth….
I’m in love with the rag rugs. Though I don’t have the money to spare and no place to put them. But they remind me of my childhood.
I liked some of the rag rugs myself…
But these things are scary as shit…if I found one at my grandma’s house, I would have to burn it.
I need this thing. Except as a hat.
Which thing did you mean? Because if it was the clown fish bag, I’m right there with you; that thing would make an AMAZEBALLS hat.
On the other hand, if you were talking about the creepy doll’s head thing…
*backs away slowly*
Aw… I thought it WAS a hat…
It would look like a tropical fish was eating your head. And it would be the greatest thing ever.
WHY AREN’T YOU A HAT!?!
Okay … I have to admit that before I looked at the full post .. going on the “Red Rover” tag and seeing the dog… I thought this was going to be a crocheted red rocket cover …you know a doggie c*ck sock. Then I read the post…*smh*
WOW. You just took a gross thing and seriously upped the game. The only phrase referring to dog peen that is worse than “red rocket” is calling it his “lipstick.”
No, lipstick is what’s left on there by an inconsiderate bitch.
The analogy is not without merit though:
I think that’s actually why it’s so gross. Because it’s a VERY apt analogy. Maybe even a little too much so.
That fish bag is so cute!
And MFJ is correct about the alcohol soaked tampons used by highschoolers in all seriousness, they get referred to my husband’s addiction medicine clinic. Inventive and deadly
Huh, I read it was fake. But you’ve heard of definite cases?
Perhaps it was fake,until the News started freaking out about it, and that ended up giving some kids the idea?
My problem with this is that, after looking through her store, she is actually very skilled, she just makes some horrendously shit items. The doll face pot holder will haunt me forever.
WHY MUST PEOPLE USE TALENT FOR EVIL?
Yeah, ’cause you want to put a pot holder with a doll’s head made of vinyl, which melts like butter when put near a flame, on the stove.
When I saw those pot holders, my first thought was, “Now THAT would make an awesome dog toy. The dog would run around the house with a doll’s head in his mouth, drool dripping down, you’d want to play tug-o-war and you’d get the doll’s head, only to discover the dog had chewed out the back of its head.”
*makes note to make “interesting dog toys” should I even open that Etsy shop*
See, I view those things as being sort of tongue-in-cheek and slightly twisted (in a good way). It’s not for everyone, of course, but I like it. She should really be a Regretsian if she isn’t already.
I love my dog way too much to buy her that. It borders on animal cruelty! (insert McLachlan song here)
Once upon a time, many moons ago, my roommate and I discovered that Snerf, the cat we were kittysitting for a friend, was an afficionado of used tampon applicator tubes.
This was discovered when a friend from out of town bent down to pick up whatever it was that Snerf had batted at her, presumably to throw it for Snerf to chase again.
After that, we had a closed-lidded container for lady items.
Months later when I was moving out of the apartment, and Snerf’s owner was helping me clean the kitchen, I pulled out the broiler tray so I could sweep out whatever was hiding under the stove. Whereupon I discovered why we had never noticed Snerf’s favorite playtoys before the whole out-of-town visitor incident.
Bless you for sweeping under there. One house we rented, the prior tenants didn’t, and there was a chewed up frisbee, a dessicated bone, and some horrifying orange sludge in the tray itself. Oh, and also a gnawed upon stick.
Who the hell crochets dog toys?! My dog would tear that shit apart in less than a minute.
Why would you name your dog after me? I’ve already had a blow-up doll named after me.
Or is it named after the Prince song? That dog must be a SEX FIEND.
^ That was me under the influence of anaesthetics, by the way…
What happened in this person life that made them think a tampon would make a good subject for a dog toy?
I am sorry to say that I have real-life experience with this one. I walked into my bedroom one day to discover my dog Max lounging on my bed and happily chomping on a used tampon like it was chewing gum. It was seriously gross. Now, everyone in my house knows when I’m on my period because the bathroom wastebasket ends up on the counter. I’ve also caught him with bloody tissues after my husband has nicked himself shaving.
All I saw was “modeled by my very own” and then I didn’t wait to find the last two words on the next line before my face was all D8
oh FOR FUCK’S SAKE. LEAVE THE DOGS OUT OF IT!
Dammit. and a Kees, too. I miss my Kees… lost her about 7 years ago, she was 14. Sweetest dog you could ever know, and I am certain she’d have torn the entrails from anyone who tried to give her this thing as a toy.
I love that in none of the pictures with the dog on the original Etsy page is the dog willing to hold the toy.
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