Taint Misbehaving
This post first appeared on Regretsy on February 17, 2011
A woman gets on an elevator, and there’s a man already on it. She stands with her back to him as they ride up in silence. After a moment, he leans over and whispers, “Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?”
She wheels around, furious.
“No! No you cannot smell my pussy!”
“Oh,” he says. “Must be your feet.”
UPDATE: OH DEAR THERE’S A COMMERCIAL (MNSFW)
February 5, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Imagine the pranking possibilities!
February 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I don’t even know where to begin with the commercial. First of all, is she working out or auditioning for a porno? And who needs a trainer/stalker when you’re on a stationary bike? AND WHAT KIND OF PERVERT SNIFFS THE SEAT?? Are you a man or a beagle? I feel sorry for that actor, “Hey we picked you to do this commercial, but you’ll be remembered as the sweaty vagina sniffer”
What about the scent of a fat jealous loser woman? I can tell you after 40-55 minutes of exercising the smell is memorable all right, vulva tinged with swass.
Sweet Jesus. I need to go sniff glue to kill the brain cells involved with this experience
February 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Ican’t read “Ar you a man or an X” anymore without hearing it in song.
are you a MAAAAANNNN, or are you a BEAGLE?
‘Cause if you’re a MMMAAAAAANNNNN, you’re a beagle of a man
And if you’re a BEEEAAAGLE, you’re a very manly beagle
February 5, 2012 at 5:48 pm
MUPPET REFERENCE FOR THE WIN.
February 6, 2012 at 6:22 am
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February 6, 2012 at 9:00 am
Should the straight-edge razor be stropped on a strop BEFORE scraping off the scent or should it be stropped ON your average-size penis before the scent is scraped off?
February 6, 2012 at 3:34 am
muppet reference for the double win
February 5, 2012 at 5:27 pm
But, just think, you can wear a scent that will ATTRACT that kind of man!
February 5, 2012 at 7:59 pm
But, why would I buy it when I could just dispense my own?
February 5, 2012 at 10:29 pm
Goes with the old adage of, “Why buy milk when you have the cow at home?”
February 5, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Vulva – Because sniffing the seat of an exercise machine isn’t creepy at all…
February 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Yes, a person who does that is called a “snarf”. I don’t know why, but that is the proper term.
February 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm
I just love how educational us FJL’s are!
February 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm
February 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm
February 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Came here to post this. SNARF SNARF. This puts a whole new twist to my childhood that I’m not sure I’m comfortable with.
February 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm
MINDFUCK We had the same idea.
February 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm
February 5, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Hunh, really? See, where I come from “dorks” were bicycle seat sniffers.
February 12, 2012 at 11:10 am
I thought snarfing was exhaling your beverage through your nose because you started laughing. I’ve had my terminology Very Very Wrong for a long time now….
February 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm
This is why they tell you to wipe down when you are done.
February 5, 2012 at 5:45 pm
Wipe down when your done? Pssh, there is a guy totally waiting to take care of that for you, no worries.
February 5, 2012 at 4:34 pm
No sir, I don’t like it.
February 5, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Taint it a pity that this exists?
February 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm
So… going by the commercial it smells like sweat…
February 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm
I’m assuming it smells like low tide at the pier.
February 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Next business idea – Wring out sweat from post workout underpants and bottle it. I sweat a lot, so I’m expecting to make a lot of money.
February 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Thanks. Now I’m fucking TERRIFIED to go to the gym.
February 5, 2012 at 5:50 pm
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February 5, 2012 at 4:37 pm
I can’t decide whether it’s wrong or hilarious that i was actually *just thinking about this* yesterday!
Well. the part with the sweaty bike seat, anyway- didn’t remember the actual product.
Thanks, Regretsy, you were just in time to save me from having to google “sweaty smelly bike seat”! ~grin~
February 5, 2012 at 4:37 pm
I’m gonna bottle the fragrance of my husband’s sweaty junk so that I don’t have to sniff his computer chair anymore. I will name it Dique. Now taking pre-orders!
February 5, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Brilliant! Two gold stars!
February 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I had an ex that liked me to smell his sweaty balls. You Madame, have just won a gold star. (I did not enjoy his sweaty balls)
February 5, 2012 at 6:04 pm
How about Saq? I want to see the commercial of the girl or guy sniffing a bike seat for that one!
February 5, 2012 at 10:31 pm
Be more realistic. A commercial with a girl sniffing the couch cushions or the front seat of a big rig.
February 6, 2012 at 12:08 am
The driver’s seat of a big rig smells like farts. Take my word for it.
(BTW, there is no “front seat” in a big rig, as the “back seat” is called a sleeper. TMYK!)
February 5, 2012 at 4:37 pm
All the craftards making giant fabric vaginas should purchase this and use it to add realisticnesss.
February 5, 2012 at 6:20 pm
No! Don’t tell them how to change the size of the small!
February 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm
“Vulva Original”? Not to be confused with “Vulva, the Next Generation”?
“To Boldly Go Where No Taint Has Gone Before!”
February 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm
I don’t think there’s anywhere taint hasn’t gone.
February 5, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Vulva – The Original Skank
Vulva – The Next Penetration
Vulva – Deep Spunk Nine Inches
Vulva – Voyeur
Vulva – Pries open and enter
February 5, 2012 at 10:33 pm
Vulva – Red Wings
February 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm
what. the. f***.
so… is it artificial scent? i hope? not, err, collected?
February 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm
It’s probably collected from goat vagoos or something.
February 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm
It’s artificial I think…though it does look like vag sweat bottled…with the color and all…
February 6, 2012 at 12:11 am
My guess is you can get the same effect with a fish oil capsule and some sliced mushrooms.
February 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm
I imagine a lab room full of scent specialists whiffing crotches of anonymous women behind screens and taking notes. This vagina has a nice spicy bouquet, while this one is far more oaky.
February 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I’m greatly amused by this awesome mental image lol
February 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Actually you’re not far off! From the website itself,
“Our biggest challenge has been to conserve the chosen intimate scent without changing it too much. After many years of extensive tests and specifically developed procedures of conserving methods, we’ve finally managed to capture the treasured organic vaginal scent in a long lasting way. After uncountable test serieses with a variety of vaginal aromas of all kinds of women, we’ve decided to conserve the vaginal scent, which most of the test persons experienced to be the most erotic one. Knowing this, not only men, who intensify and satisfy their own sexual pleasure by their own smelling pleasure are our main target, but also women, who use VULVA Original to make themselves even more attractive by using the perfect vaginal scent.”
So literally Ode de Twat.
February 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm
So how did they sample their test base? I want to see that lab run
February 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm
I’m picturing numbered pantyliners and a bowl of coffee beans to sniff in between.
February 5, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Also, from their website, watch out for new additions to the range……Eighteen and Exotic…..WTAF!!!!
February 5, 2012 at 8:29 pm
‘Eighteen’?
No ‘Vulva – Minor’?
Now there’s no way I’m buying it!
February 5, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Waiting for a porn star line.
February 6, 2012 at 12:06 pm
It’s probably just a dude who’s been to a lot of prostitutes.
February 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm
” serieses ” is not a word, AFAIK. They could have just said “series”. I also want to take a red marker to their abuse of the comma.
February 5, 2012 at 9:54 pm
How much do you suppose those women got paid for submitting their…erm…samples?
February 6, 2012 at 1:48 am
Not enough.
February 5, 2012 at 10:34 pm
So they were stealing panties from the laundry.
February 6, 2012 at 9:37 am
For “research”
February 12, 2012 at 11:20 am
Eau de Twat. Ode de Twat would be a poem in praise of one’s vagoo.
Like so:
Oh little friend who dwells between my legs
Whose scent some pervy bastards wish to sell
Like those who would inhale the bike seat’s dregs
That their pathetic members might then swell
I’d think men might deserve a bit more class
Than bottled twatjuice sold upon eBay
This markets to a different kind of ass
That I doubt anyone might want to lay
But then, for those who might never recieve
The gentle touch of female love’s caress
A bottled-up bajingo to decieve
Their onahole’s latexy sperm-filled mess
Could possibly quench their horrific lust
And keep them far away from all of us
February 5, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Holy shit, that’s funny! Let’s not forget the terms “woodsy”, “mossy”, “Patchouli-esque”, etc.
February 6, 2012 at 1:48 am
Mossy? O_o
February 6, 2012 at 10:45 am
Just going off the “notes” of fragrances I’ve seen in the past. See Sephora’s descriptions of the ones they carry.
February 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm
What’s weird to me about the commercial is that the guy isn’t ugly. He probably could have just buried his face in her crotch and gotten away with it.
But he had the courtesy to wait for her to leave and then sniff her seat instead. What a gentleman. I can only hope that one day I’m so polite about being disgusting. But for now I’m pretty blatant about it.
I mean, I’m here, right?
February 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I’m not going to lie, he could totally bury his face in my crotch and get away with it
February 5, 2012 at 10:34 pm
Maybe he’s a closet hetero.
February 6, 2012 at 6:56 pm
Get real. Guys that look that good are not going after the ladies. Or have I just been living too close to San Francisco for too many years?
February 5, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Bike porn!
February 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Nose porn, too.
February 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm
ohhhh, just the thing for that i didnt wash today look
February 5, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Wait. Are you saying that all this time I could have been bottling my crotch sweat and selling it instead of just washing it off in the shower?
February 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm
Wasn’t that a porn movie in the 80′s?
February 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Panty sniffers everywhere now look tame and less creepy.
February 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Unless they’re in their 70′s at the department store picking up new underwear and smelling them. Just in case there was some kind of factory vag smell. Then they are creepy. That’s someone’s grandpa!
February 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Working Out: you’re doing it wrong…
February 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Be sure to snatch some up!
February 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm
I think the commercial is a bit of false advertising. It’s not just vulva that he’s smelling. I bet there’s some ass mixed in there too.
February 7, 2012 at 8:27 am
That’s what I was thinking. I mean, I’m a female, and I’m partial to the ladies, but…
there’s no way that the bike seat doesn’t smell ass-nasty.
(Also, their product could smell like anything and it wouldn’t matter. Because I imagine that many of their customers don’t have a real-life point of comparison!)
February 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Smell the Mighty Vulva!
February 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm
When you imagine my face, imagine it as the Forever Alone guy, as I am curious about this product.
Not curious enough to blow 20 bucks on it, though.
February 7, 2012 at 1:24 am
My husband and I DID buy it! We OWN a bottle of it! And I REGRET it! (We HAD to find out what it smelled like. There was NO way we weren’t ordering it…)
February 5, 2012 at 4:53 pm
She didn’t wipe down the equipment after she used it? How rude!
February 5, 2012 at 5:33 pm
My thoughts exactly! I thought that was common gym courtesy? I have not stepped foot in a gym as I am allergic, but I remember a Seinfeld episode where that was the issue. Hmm, obviously didn’t know about erotic sweaty smells back then. Huh, missed out there.
What’s next? famous vagina smells? Britney? Madonna? J-Lo? Kylie Minogue? Paris Hilton already has one I believe.
February 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm
I’m sure none of those would be terribly difficult to procure.
February 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm
Thank you! Much better than any super bowl commercial.
February 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm
So it smells like sweaty bicycle seat?
What they didn’t show was before this chick used the machine, it was used by this big fat funky guy named Ed. Ed didn’t wipe the machine off before he left either.
February 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm
I’ve known about this for awhile…a long while, really. And I still want to buy a bottle because I’m genuinely curious as to what it smells like…
That and, really, how entertaining would it be to bring out at parties? “Smell this!”
February 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Hi!! How are you!! Thank for being here – hey, smell my finger……..
February 5, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Better yet – my MIL is still insisting on doing my hubby’s laundry. I could make his clothes smell real nice for her!
February 6, 2012 at 7:55 am
Wait, really? How does one get that to happen? My MIL lives just a few miles away and that would save me a lot of time.
February 6, 2012 at 6:54 pm
We live on the same street, on the same side of the street, with ONE house separating us. Oh – such fun.
February 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm
I’m curious because I am wondering what the maker thinks a vagina smells like. I am guessing the last thing it actually smells like is an honest to god vagina. (Placing a bet on roses. Gag.)
February 7, 2012 at 1:26 am
Are you a female? If you are a female – don’t shower for one or two days and then smell your crotch. That’s what it smells like. I know this because #1 I have a vagina myself and #2 my husband and I bought a bottle of this crap to see what it smelled like because we are full of morbid curiosity.
February 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm
It’s the perfect scent to wear to your next Red Tent Party!
February 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Ohmyfuckinggod, someone put tuna juice in a bottle? And is selling it?
February 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm
Now I have coffee all over my PJs, thank you.
February 5, 2012 at 6:56 pm
I laughed so hard at that. I even made a derpy face.
February 5, 2012 at 5:22 pm
Excellent. I’m going to make sure I fart on every exercise bike I ride on.
February 5, 2012 at 5:22 pm
A little dab behind the ears to make people really wonder what the Hell you’ve been up to.
February 5, 2012 at 7:21 pm
Up to your ears, obviously.
February 5, 2012 at 5:31 pm
“…enjoy the scent of a beautiful woman…”
-No thanks. I’d rather smell an ugly one.
February 5, 2012 at 6:04 pm
They try harder.
February 5, 2012 at 5:41 pm
What does it smell like after the expiration date? A nursing home?
February 5, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Depends.
February 5, 2012 at 5:53 pm
*twitch*
Still nominating for Comment of the Day.
February 5, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Blech. I take baths so I WON’T smell like vagina. Why would I take a bath then right away put on perfume that’ll make me smell like I haven’t bathed in days?
February 5, 2012 at 7:41 pm
Fragrances are designed to make you smell like you just bathed, or you just didn’t.
Worth had a fragrance called “Je Reviens,” which is French for “I Return.” It’s based on a letter from Napoleon to Josephine.
Romantic, huh?
The quote is actually “Je reviens en trois jours, ne te laves pas.” “I return in three days, do not wash yourself.”
February 5, 2012 at 7:58 pm
OK I’m officially baffled. Summer’s Eve’s whole raison d’etre (French for “god damn point”) is keeping your vagina from smelling like a vagina, because guys have battled for that for centuries and you owe it to them to make it smell like lavender (or some fucked-up reasoning like that).
So now these cock-knockers come along and say that you should make everything smell like pussy? I don’t fucking get this world.
February 5, 2012 at 8:54 pm
As the only girl out of 4 kids & the only girl I can say with great authority and personal experience -
Men are WEIRD!
February 5, 2012 at 10:51 pm
Speaking as a guy, I’m no expert on that kind of crap. However, I can say that the good part is NOT the crotch sweat, which seems to be what the ad is implying it’s made from, but the…er…internal secretions. So unless this chick was creaming herself from looking at the guy, it’s just going to be funky. Sweat, really, is chemically pretty much the same as piss.
February 5, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Oh, and this is WAY more fun than the superbowl!
February 5, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I showed that commercial to my husband and he looked at me silent for 5 seconds and then said, “Sweet Baby Jesus.”
Seriously, though. What is next, a bottle of farts? Or, “Corpse” the natural smell of a rotting corpse for all you necromaniacs out there who sniff caskets?
What about ball sweat? Oh not a market for that yet?
February 6, 2012 at 1:52 am
Well, they do use putrescine to train corpse-sniffing dogs, but the internet claims necrophiliacs actually prefer the scent of formaldehyde and preservatives.
For some reason that makes me less nauseated than that commercial, too…
February 5, 2012 at 6:42 pm
that dude totally struck me as a seat sniffer, too
February 5, 2012 at 6:57 pm
I can just see guys using this on blow-up dolls and such to make it seem more realistic. That it just the picture I get in my head…
February 5, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Super Bowl ad. Or not.
February 5, 2012 at 7:36 pm
That fucking does it. Beam my ass off this god damn planet.
February 5, 2012 at 7:48 pm
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February 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm
“This post first appeared on Regretsy on February 17, 2011″
February 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Apparently I should have scrolled down a bit first.
February 5, 2012 at 7:48 pm
oh shit. just noticed this was a repost. oops.
February 5, 2012 at 7:54 pm
..except the Snarfs don’t look like the dude in the commercial. They look like Boogar from Revenge of the Nerds. And the Snarfettes bottling that scent have FUPAs that would dwarf Precious.
February 5, 2012 at 10:51 pm
Thank you for introducing me to the word FUPA. That’s two I’ve learned from this thread so far.
February 5, 2012 at 7:59 pm
February 5, 2012 at 8:38 pm
I wonder how the taping went?
Director: Okay, when she’s done, I want you to go over to the stationary bike and then sensually take in the smell of the seat.
Model: You want me to…smell the seat?
Director: no. “sensually take in her scent”
Model: So I’m sniffing the seat? That’s…creepy.
How much are you paying me again? Okay. Fine.
Realistically though, if you’re going by their target audience, shouldn’t he be like a hundred pounds heavier and have greasy hair?
February 5, 2012 at 10:06 pm
A snarf as defined by Kurt Vonnegut – the sniffer of girls’ bicycle seats.
February 5, 2012 at 10:23 pm
“Vulva? Who’s got a friend called Vulva?”
February 6, 2012 at 12:29 pm
Vulva: [noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!
Brian: No, I just spilt my drink.
February 7, 2012 at 4:32 am
BEST SHOW EVER
February 5, 2012 at 10:41 pm
Thank goodness they have a HOW TO USE IT section. I can’t begin to describe the number of times I’ve purchased vaginal odor only to find out they didn’t bother to include the instruction manual.
February 5, 2012 at 10:44 pm
The always-sexy Comic Sans is what really sold me, you guys.
February 5, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Fortunately, if this is classified as a perfume, they don’t have to list the ingredients. Because if they did…
Ingredients (by price): PRETENTIOUS MARKETING CRAP, COD LIVER OIL, TAP WATER FROM GRANDMA’S BASEMENT
Yes, now you can smell like cunt for a mere 5000% markup on the price!
(Although I realize that women who actually bathe generally have no problem with stank at all, it is little moments like these when I am secretly relieved to be a dickgirl. Until they start marketing “FRENULUM: the cheezy aroma of unwashed machismo”, that is. Then, I weep.)
February 5, 2012 at 10:59 pm
Looking down at thinning hair, eyebrows, upper half of nose: “You know this would cost you like twenty bucks on Etsy, sweetie? Just to inhale.”
February 5, 2012 at 11:02 pm
Damn it, that should be “on Etsy, eBay or Craigslist” …
February 6, 2012 at 1:55 am
Multiple Miggs: “I can smell your cunt.”
Clarice Starling: “No, that’s just my Vulva perfume.”
Hannibal Lecter: “It is certainly not L’air du Temps.”
Close scene.
February 6, 2012 at 2:39 am
I’ll save myself the money, stick my finger in my own vagina and smell of my own pussy, thanks.
I did that once as a bet – my friend reckoned guys would like it, but not know why, so I dabbed behind my ears. Oddly, it worked. Sadly, they were ugly sods.
February 6, 2012 at 4:23 am
what… no Tainted Love reference?
February 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm
I cannot stand the way you tease, Steampunk Mermaid.
February 6, 2012 at 7:58 am
Also, while we’re noticing all the many many things wrong with this…
COMIC FUCKING SANS?! All your pretentious marketing dollars spent to use a font that makes your product look like it’s sold on a god damn lemonade stand?!
February 6, 2012 at 8:45 am
I like how they bolded the d in “description” instead of capitalizing it.
Bottling and selling vagina stink is already different enough, you don’t need to make yourself look anymore weird. Unless this whole thing is their lawyer setting them up for an insanity plea for an inevitable murder trial or something. Maybe they’re not so good at hiding bodies. Maybe I should get their lawyer.
February 6, 2012 at 8:24 am
Mmmm freshly bottled bajingo drippings.
February 6, 2012 at 9:59 am
Hey! The back of my hand has herpes!
February 6, 2012 at 1:43 pm
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore…
February 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm
..note to self: do not browse Regretsy on the laptop while riding the buss, the other passengers might give you funny looks.
February 6, 2012 at 6:01 pm
Has anyone noticed after watching the ad (if you watched the ad, of course), that “related videos” have “Blogging Quran” and “Jesus Christ Cologne” clips listed as #1 and #2? I think this is the best part of the commercial!!!
February 7, 2012 at 3:22 am
I noticed that, but it didn’t seem weird enough to mention.
In other words, I’ve been a Regretsy follower for quite a long time.
February 7, 2012 at 4:30 am
Oh man, was someone filming me at the gym again? That is just so annoying.
February 7, 2012 at 4:53 am
So who’s up for a sniffing contest? I’ll spike some fresh underwear with VULVA and mix them with some underwear worn by my girlfriend at work and you have to figure out which is which.
You can win fantastic samples of my newest scent SMEGMA!
February 7, 2012 at 9:03 am
I can just imagine the hidden camera episode of Dateline NBC with this guy.
Chris Hansen: “Why don’t you have a seat over there?”
Dude: “CAN I?!?!”
February 7, 2012 at 10:05 am
My absolute favourite about the ebay posting is where they classified it:
Impotence aids
So now perfume will cure mr happy when he becomes mr bleh? hmmm….
February 11, 2012 at 9:27 pm
For some reason I don’t think him licking the seat could’ve sold it any further.. haha