There was a user on deviantart who taped the pages of twilight together to form a paper roll, but I can’t seem to find it. It caused quite a commotion a couple of years ago!
I realized afterwards that I used a DVD cover, but yes, that did cross my mind. Now I need to use the toilet, where can I swear to get some tickets to wipe my ass with?
Well, every time you use toilet paper, you are in a way, re-typing Twilight. And depending on last night’s meal, you may be improving the character development and plot structure.
If it wasn’t $200 I’d buy it for my husband. He’s been trying to finish Moby Dick for six years now and with the amount of time he spends taking care of his toilet business he might just finally get it done!
I’m thoroughly impressed. My first thought was “Is this person single?” I mean, if he has the time, creativity and dogged determination to do this AND keep it around for 10 years just to brag about it, imagine the christmas and anniversary gifts!
Dear god, I might finally get the patchwork glittered full-size moose head I’ve always wanted and all I would have to say is, “I bet you couldn’t patchwork glitter a full size moose head. . .”
No, no! If anything, you need to make a Star Trek reference. I mean, with a species like “Klingons”, it’s a far better target than just “Potty”. Think of all the sci-fi jokes you can make about “worm holes”, “black holes” and such.
Like Star Gates…. I used to work with a real nasty woman who was into Stargate, so I started a rumour that her and her hot tub, neck brace / bike shorts wearing swinger husband were into Stargate fantasy sex. I just started the rumour to scar the young kids at work. It’s ok, she never knew about the rumour, so it wasn’t a bad thing for her. In fact it raised office interest about her. And she needed some positive attention. ” Jump into my Stargate……”
I’m surprised at how few rolls it took. I wonder if he used pica or elite?
Plus, who likes that book enough to sit and copy it? I had to read Billy Budd like 4 times when I went through school, that one is short and it was torturous enough.
Also, I agree. This needs to be Twilight. Plus, Moby Dick is a good book.. And it makes for hilarious toilet-talk. Looks like I need to dig out my typewriter and put it to good use..
Picturing a person at his typewriter with toilet paper going through it, with Moby Dick propped up by the side – I would pay more for the picture than the actual toilet paper.
What other classics might work? How about…
-A Tale of Two Shittys
-A Clockwork Orange (for Alli users)
-Of Human Dumpage
-Taras Vulva
-Don Quicklygo
-The Taming of the Poo
-Hamletone
-A Movementable Feast
-Tess of the Poobervilles
-As I Lay Dying (for Elvis fans)
-Dingleberry Finn
Pieces of April
The Human Stain
Forces of Nature
Deep Impact
Final Destination
Along Came Polly
True Grit
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Run Silent Run Deep
The Great Escape
Cliffhanger
A Fine Mess
Dark Victory
The Big Squeeze
crouching tiger, hidden dragon
Exit Wounds
Fast Trip Long Drop
Blown Away
Passing Glory
Dark Passage
To Have and Have Not
Breaking Away
And to continue…
-Things Fall Apart
-Waiting to Go
-Growing a Canterbury Tale
-The Turn of the Poo
-The Lumps of Wrath
-Leviathan
-Anything by Rene Desfartes
-The Origin of Feces
-Billy Butt
-Remembrance of Things Passed
And so it goes…
to wit: “Alastalon salissa (“In the Parlour at Alastalo”) (1933) is a landmark Finnish novel by Volter Kilpi. The two-volume, 800-page story covers a period of only six hours, written in a stream-of-consciousness style similar to James Joyce’s Ulysses.
The central narrative of Alastalon salissa describes a meeting of a group of wealthy men from Kustavi, Western Finland, who are trying to decide whether to invest in a shipbuilding venture proposed by one of their number, Herman Mattson. The novel’s length stems from numerous digressions, internal monologues and a detailed accounting of each character’s thought processes. In one famous scene, a character’s journey to the mantelpiece to fetch a pipe is told in over seventy pages.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alastalon_salissa)
Lady Shatterly’s Lover
King Rear
The Great Shatsby
War and Piss
Atlas Purged
A Game of Thrones
The Hound of the Blastingholes (could be a porn too)
The Shiting
Pet Dysentery
Winnie the Poo
Shat in the Hat
Hoop on Poop
The Giving Pee
The Very Hungry Toilet
Goodnight Poo
Brown Bear, Brown Bear
The Poo-lar Express
Where the Wild Things Poop
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Constipation
Oh, The Places You’ll Go
If You Give a Mouse Some Fiber
The Little Engine WHo Could Wipe Himself
Clifford the Big Red Log
Charlie is a Chocolate Factory
Little Outhouse on the Prairie
James and the Giant Turd
Roll of TP, Hear Me Grunt
The Phantom Toiletstall
Ick. Wuthering Heights.
Can we add A Tale of Two Cities to the list? Sure it has a fantastic ending, but the book itself is filled with inane description like I would not have believed to be possible.
The thing about The Great Gatsby is that most people read it when they’re too young to understand what it is about. In my opinion, the book should not be forced upon teenagers. I re-read it in my mid-thirties and thought it was an amazing reading experience.
“No wonder that in old times this sperm was such a favourite cosmetic. Such a clearer! such a sweetener! such a softener! such a delicious molifier! After having my hands in it for only a few minutes, my fingers felt like eels, and began, as it were, to serpentine and spiralise.
Squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me; … Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness.
Would that I could keep squeezing that sperm for ever!”
I wonder if that was intentional. It seems like it might be an accident, but according to dictionary.com, that word was used in the context we’re thinking of hundreds of years before this was written. Also, “milk and sperm of kindness”? How could a writer miss that?
Well, with a title like Moby Dick, what do you expect? We need the new female equivalent of Melville. Maybe a book called “The Incredibly Snug Spelunking Cave of Bajangoville.”
Am I the only one who thinks this is really cool? I love that someone both thought of and took the time to use a typewriter to print the entire text of Moby Dick on toilet paper. It’s AMAZING. As a FJL, I’m extra J with my L today.
Don’t worry, because the toilet paper came out of a CLEAN and sterile package, in case you want to use it. Don’t mind the ink streaks you’re gonna get up your crack!
It seems to me that some would suggest this is where Melville’s novel should be. Considering that it has about 1342 pages of nautical data that can be summarized as ‘They were on a boat.’
Yeah, I think TP is an appropriate medium for Moby Dick. The whole chapters Melville spent on the whaling industry, the way he went into excruciating detail explaining the symbolism of why the damn whale was white. Come on, buddy, leave that to the English Lit classes!
My literature class had to read Moby Dick when I was in Ninth Grade, and the whole class boycotted it. Why? Because just about the time things were getting interesting, Melville would go off on a 300-page tangent about rendering whale oil for lamps. It would have been an interesting book if they’d cut all the unnecessary stuff about the whaling industry out of it, and concentrated on Ahab’s quest to kill the White Whale.
If I wasn’t willing to read the book when it was assigned to me in class, why the hell would I want to read it written on toilet paper? Especially since I could pick up a used copy of it at our local bookstore for 25 cents?
My husband (an English major) has a world class hate on for Herman Melville after reading this book. Buying this for him would make his whole year. Damn good thing we are broke!
Maybe if you had a printer, you could copy and format it and then try printing it on toilet paper with a jet ink printer? If you don’t have a septic system, try using Charmin Strong.
the house my boyfriend use to rent had a less than responsible owner. we had several conversations with him, due to his irresponsibility, and we learned a few fun facts about him.
1. he was clearly a drug abuser (we think he smoked rocks)
2. he had a girlfriend with a son mooching off of him…he got a penis enlargment surgery for her
3. he claimed to be a preacher (maybe he was, wouldnt want to go to that church though)
i bring this up because this ridiculous person left several rolls of toilet paper with psalms printed on them in the cupboard above the refrigerator.
January 27, 2012 at 9:32 am
Oh COME ON!!! YOU MISSED THE OBVIOUS NOVEL…
Seriously… This would be the only way to make Twilight USEFUL…
Besides, no body wipes their Moby Dick… That’s a shake situation!
January 27, 2012 at 9:35 am
You totally stole my comment. But I agree…it should have been Twilight.
January 27, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Twilight and T.P. do both come in four packs.
January 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm
I literally wouldn’t even wipe my ass with Twilight.
Why would you wipe your ass with shit?
January 27, 2012 at 9:36 am
Too bad Twilight wasn’t in print 10 years ago…
January 27, 2012 at 9:37 am
….
You’re likely the only person in the world who has ever uttered that phrase…
CONGRATULATIONS!
January 27, 2012 at 10:05 am
She also had the only good reason too.
January 27, 2012 at 10:34 am
NO! QUICKLY, ERASE THAT, IT’S A TRIGGER SENTENCE FOR DORMANT KGB OPERATIVES!
January 27, 2012 at 10:42 am
So… I’m not supposed to assassinate Dick Cheney at the next full moon?
January 27, 2012 at 11:14 am
Didn’t someone say “Hello” to you today? THAT is the trigger sentence you were waiting for. Go ahead, take Dick hunting…
January 27, 2012 at 11:50 am
“Take Dick hunting…”
I need that on a sampler! STAT!
January 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Good Dick Hunting. Soundtrack by Moby
January 27, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Would that be “Morbid Dick”?
January 27, 2012 at 9:39 am
Well it was made 10 years ago. Maybe novel number two (heh…) should be Twatlight?
January 27, 2012 at 10:48 am
Well, if you were going to read it at teh same time a twatlight might be quite handy.
January 27, 2012 at 9:39 am
You know what’s printed on the toilet paper in Congress?
The Constitution…
BAZINGA!!!
January 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm
We The Poople
January 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Wee the Poople?
January 27, 2012 at 9:52 am
This is actually how Twilight came to be. Stephanie Meyers took a particularly messy dump, went to wipe her ass, and….EUREKA!!!
Those shit smearings became known as “The Twilight Saga.”
January 27, 2012 at 9:57 am
Oh yeah? well EU REEK-A TOO!!!
January 27, 2012 at 6:30 pm
(puts on Groucho glasses) You don’t smell-a so good yourself!
January 27, 2012 at 11:11 pm
I’m sorry, said the pedant, you’re thinking of Chico.
January 27, 2012 at 10:00 am
If I ever get a time machine the first thing I’m doing is going back in time and significantly reducing Stephanie Meyers’ fiber intake.
January 27, 2012 at 10:02 am
and peanuts. May want to get the peanuts.
January 27, 2012 at 10:16 am
The devil’s name is spelled Stephenie Meyer, Gnomey.
I’m Stephanie Meyers, and if you reduce my fiber intake, I’ll not be able to shit ninoos. ;_;
January 27, 2012 at 11:02 am
one must always be able to shit ninoos. <3
January 27, 2012 at 10:16 am
There was a user on deviantart who taped the pages of twilight together to form a paper roll, but I can’t seem to find it. It caused quite a commotion a couple of years ago!
January 27, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I feel like that would chafe. But maybe drawing blood is the point, considering the subject?
January 27, 2012 at 11:49 am
YOU STOLE MY LINE!
Now Twilight on TP? Yeah, that’s a good use for a shitty book.
Because shitty books need a real purpose in life when they are too awful to read.
January 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm
I’d imagine using the DVD is the equivilent of using the three seashells…
In which case, I’ll allow it…
January 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm
I realized afterwards that I used a DVD cover, but yes, that did cross my mind. Now I need to use the toilet, where can I swear to get some tickets to wipe my ass with?
January 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm
I CALL THEM SHIT TICKETS TOO!!!
January 27, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Twilight: the new Sears catalog.
January 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Well, every time you use toilet paper, you are in a way, re-typing Twilight. And depending on last night’s meal, you may be improving the character development and plot structure.
January 27, 2012 at 11:15 pm
I ate mushrooms and bran last night in an attempt to add some morel fiber.
January 28, 2012 at 9:02 am
depends on if you ate some red meat with glitter. sparkling vampire poo. reminds me exactly of twilight.
January 27, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Ahh, ya’ll stole my Twilight comment from the forums.
lol
January 27, 2012 at 6:18 pm
If anything, pages from Twilight should be made into drink coasters as a reminder of what terrible writing looks like.
January 27, 2012 at 9:33 am
Holy Crap!
January 27, 2012 at 9:40 am
I think holy crap would be in a situation with the bible printed on toilet paper…
January 27, 2012 at 11:56 am
The religious TP sacrilege series: Bible, Torah and Koran.
Coming soon: Shinto, Buddhism, Zoroaster, Hindu (made with bovine velum), and Sikh.
January 27, 2012 at 9:34 am
Ain’t this the shit!?!!
January 27, 2012 at 9:35 am
I hope I never have that much time on my hands.
January 27, 2012 at 9:36 am
At the very least, this purchase will keep the shit off your hands…
January 27, 2012 at 9:36 am
Call Me Shitmael.
January 27, 2012 at 9:38 am
All I know is if you’re trying to harpoon a white whale in your bathroom, you have more problems than not…
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING???
January 27, 2012 at 9:40 am
…if you’re trying to harpoon a white whale in your bathroom…
why did I immediately think euphemism for sex with a 400lb person?
because I’ve been hanging out here for a year
January 27, 2012 at 9:43 am
YOU’RE WELCOME!
January 27, 2012 at 11:44 am
That’s what I called sex with my ex. If it makes you feel better….you were right.
January 27, 2012 at 11:44 am
Fermented foods…that’s what I’ve been eating.
January 27, 2012 at 9:37 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 27, 2012 at 9:37 am
If it wasn’t $200 I’d buy it for my husband. He’s been trying to finish Moby Dick for six years now and with the amount of time he spends taking care of his toilet business he might just finally get it done!
January 27, 2012 at 10:07 am
This cracks me up!
January 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm
No joke, if you’re one of those people who thinks you don’t have time to read, just put a book in the bathroom.
January 27, 2012 at 9:38 am
Well, this will definitely make TP-ing houses classier.
January 27, 2012 at 11:57 am
Ah, the Dean of Literature should have his house TP’ed with this!
January 27, 2012 at 9:39 am
For when you need to go after the big one.
January 27, 2012 at 9:40 am
For epic logs, in other words?
January 27, 2012 at 11:51 am
FOR CAPTAIN’S LOGS!!!!
January 27, 2012 at 9:42 am
Well now. That gives a whole new meaning to “thar she blows!”
January 27, 2012 at 9:46 am
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least slightly impressed by the whole thing. Not $200 impressed but still…
January 27, 2012 at 9:54 am
I think it’s damned near impossible *not* to be impressed by this, even just a little.
January 27, 2012 at 5:00 pm
I’m thoroughly impressed. My first thought was “Is this person single?” I mean, if he has the time, creativity and dogged determination to do this AND keep it around for 10 years just to brag about it, imagine the christmas and anniversary gifts!
Dear god, I might finally get the patchwork glittered full-size moose head I’ve always wanted and all I would have to say is, “I bet you couldn’t patchwork glitter a full size moose head. . .”
January 27, 2012 at 9:46 am
“Considering what it’s been through?” Does he just mean the typing, or is there something else we’re not being told in this listing…?
January 27, 2012 at 9:46 am
ALL RIGHT! WHO WIPED WITH THE LAST CHAPTER?
January 27, 2012 at 9:46 am
There used to be a toilet paper museum (I kid you not) in my fair city. If it was still here, I’d buy this to donate to the collection.
January 27, 2012 at 10:10 am
ooh, I found a link for those of you with more free time… http://www.tagyerit.com/madison.htm Apparently there’s a “Whole World” toilet paper museum too. Who knew? http://www.tagyerit.com/tp/
January 27, 2012 at 9:49 am
Forget Moby Dick, how’s about some Harry Potty!
January 27, 2012 at 9:51 am
SACRILEGE!!! HERETIC!!! VILE SUGGESTION!!!
/Harry Potter Nerd Defense mode…
January 27, 2012 at 10:09 am
I join MsBitchhands in /HP Nerd Defense mode! BLASPHEME!
January 27, 2012 at 11:07 am
Riddikulus
January 27, 2012 at 12:01 pm
No, no! If anything, you need to make a Star Trek reference. I mean, with a species like “Klingons”, it’s a far better target than just “Potty”. Think of all the sci-fi jokes you can make about “worm holes”, “black holes” and such.
January 27, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm
January 27, 2012 at 11:14 pm
January 27, 2012 at 10:33 am
*hissy fit*
January 27, 2012 at 9:55 am
I’m surprised at how few rolls it took. I wonder if he used pica or elite?
Plus, who likes that book enough to sit and copy it? I had to read Billy Budd like 4 times when I went through school, that one is short and it was torturous enough.
I am impressed.
January 27, 2012 at 10:08 am
I hate Mellville, that scribner one was too much, and it’s a short story.
January 27, 2012 at 9:58 am
“I’ve got a big one coming!”
“Get this whale out of my boat.”
Also, I agree. This needs to be Twilight. Plus, Moby Dick is a good book.. And it makes for hilarious toilet-talk.
Looks like I need to dig out my typewriter and put it to good use..
Twilight on toilet paper?
Challenge accepted.
January 27, 2012 at 11:53 am
January 27, 2012 at 10:00 am
Biggest selling point for me? It was handled “gingerly”. With that note alone, surprised it’s not being listed on Etsy.
January 27, 2012 at 10:01 am
Talk about an epic log…
January 27, 2012 at 10:10 am
Picturing a person at his typewriter with toilet paper going through it, with Moby Dick propped up by the side – I would pay more for the picture than the actual toilet paper.
January 27, 2012 at 10:20 am
Readers Digest.
January 27, 2012 at 10:41 am
“Reader’s digestED” …
January 27, 2012 at 10:36 am
I love how the reserve is not met. “My toilet paper is worth a hell of a lot more than 200 bucks!”
January 27, 2012 at 10:42 am
An ideal balance of softness and classical literature!
January 27, 2012 at 10:46 am
I’ve had poops of epic size, but if your poops are white I think you need a doctor.
January 27, 2012 at 10:53 am
I’m not very impressed with this:
January 27, 2012 at 11:03 am
Sounds like it’s time for a video rant!
January 27, 2012 at 11:06 am
well if you really want it, you can have it shiped to my house and ill ship it to you
January 27, 2012 at 11:21 am
But that’ll kind of ruin the fun and
excrementexcitement of buying it.January 27, 2012 at 11:54 am
That’s a shitty shipping policy…
But then again, so is this…
January 27, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Sam, where have you been, I was thrilled when I found out you are from England, very close too.
I need to go out in the cold now!
January 27, 2012 at 10:55 am
What other classics might work? How about…
-A Tale of Two Shittys
-A Clockwork Orange (for Alli users)
-Of Human Dumpage
-Taras Vulva
-Don Quicklygo
-The Taming of the Poo
-Hamletone
-A Movementable Feast
-Tess of the Poobervilles
-As I Lay Dying (for Elvis fans)
-Dingleberry Finn
January 27, 2012 at 11:32 am
I was thinking
Pieces of April
The Human Stain
Forces of Nature
Deep Impact
Final Destination
Along Came Polly
True Grit
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Run Silent Run Deep
The Great Escape
Cliffhanger
A Fine Mess
Dark Victory
The Big Squeeze
crouching tiger, hidden dragon
Exit Wounds
Fast Trip Long Drop
Blown Away
Passing Glory
Dark Passage
To Have and Have Not
Breaking Away
…just to name a few.
The Big Red One
January 27, 2012 at 11:47 am
And to continue…
-Things Fall Apart
-Waiting to Go
-Growing a Canterbury Tale
-The Turn of the Poo
-The Lumps of Wrath
-Leviathan
-Anything by Rene Desfartes
-The Origin of Feces
-Billy Butt
-Remembrance of Things Passed
And so it goes…
January 28, 2012 at 8:18 am
Alastalon Salissa
to wit: “Alastalon salissa (“In the Parlour at Alastalo”) (1933) is a landmark Finnish novel by Volter Kilpi. The two-volume, 800-page story covers a period of only six hours, written in a stream-of-consciousness style similar to James Joyce’s Ulysses.
The central narrative of Alastalon salissa describes a meeting of a group of wealthy men from Kustavi, Western Finland, who are trying to decide whether to invest in a shipbuilding venture proposed by one of their number, Herman Mattson. The novel’s length stems from numerous digressions, internal monologues and a detailed accounting of each character’s thought processes. In one famous scene, a character’s journey to the mantelpiece to fetch a pipe is told in over seventy pages.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alastalon_salissa)
January 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm
The Green Mile.
January 28, 2012 at 5:51 am
Ouch.
January 27, 2012 at 11:51 am
Lady Shatterly’s Lover
King Rear
The Great Shatsby
War and Piss
Atlas Purged
A Game of Thrones
The Hound of the Blastingholes (could be a porn too)
The Shiting
Pet Dysentery
January 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm
A Game of Thrones?
And the slogan of House Stark would be “Fiber is Coming?”
January 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm
It’s House Shart. And..Yes.
January 27, 2012 at 11:52 am
And that short classic, “The Rectum,” by Edgar Allan Poo.
January 27, 2012 at 11:56 am
I certainly wouldn’t want that perched upon my bust of Paris above my chamber door.
January 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Don’t forget the children’s series:
Winnie the Poo
Shat in the Hat
Hoop on Poop
The Giving Pee
The Very Hungry Toilet
Goodnight Poo
Brown Bear, Brown Bear
The Poo-lar Express
Where the Wild Things Poop
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Constipation
Oh, The Places You’ll Go
If You Give a Mouse Some Fiber
The Little Engine WHo Could Wipe Himself
Clifford the Big Red Log
Charlie is a Chocolate Factory
Little Outhouse on the Prairie
James and the Giant Turd
Roll of TP, Hear Me Grunt
The Phantom Toiletstall
January 27, 2012 at 5:16 pm
Wouldn’t it be “Where the Wild Things Go”?
However you get ALL TEH WIN for “Charlie is a Chocolate Factory”. ALL OF IT.
January 28, 2012 at 9:06 am
aaah! James And the Giant Turd!! LOL
January 28, 2012 at 5:53 am
Are you there Log? It’s me Margaret.
January 28, 2012 at 7:10 pm
I’m ashamed to admit that this one was the one that really made me laugh. I didn’t know I was still in the anal stage, Dr. Freud.
January 27, 2012 at 11:05 am
For a classic that, IMO, deserves to be shit upon, I’d like to nominate “Wuthering Heights.”
Either that or “Great Expectations.”
January 27, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Ick. Wuthering Heights.
Can we add A Tale of Two Cities to the list? Sure it has a fantastic ending, but the book itself is filled with inane description like I would not have believed to be possible.
January 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Yeah, I’m on board with that.
January 27, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Reminds me of a great quote from 3rd Rock from the Sun:
Dick Solomon: “‘It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.’”
[flips to the back of the book and promptly drops it]
“I’m not reading three-hundred and eighty-seven pages if he can’t make up his mind in the first sentence!”
January 28, 2012 at 3:58 am
*Raises hand, nominates The Great Gatsby.*
I hated that book. I’ve never met anyone who liked it.
January 28, 2012 at 5:30 am
You have now.
The thing about The Great Gatsby is that most people read it when they’re too young to understand what it is about. In my opinion, the book should not be forced upon teenagers. I re-read it in my mid-thirties and thought it was an amazing reading experience.
January 27, 2012 at 11:11 am
Sounds like you’d need toilet paper after this:
“No wonder that in old times this sperm was such a favourite cosmetic. Such a clearer! such a sweetener! such a softener! such a delicious molifier! After having my hands in it for only a few minutes, my fingers felt like eels, and began, as it were, to serpentine and spiralise.
Squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me; … Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness.
Would that I could keep squeezing that sperm for ever!”
- Moby Dick, chapter 94
January 27, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I have no idea why kids in high school don’t like to read this book. You can’t make up funnier shit than that?
January 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm
I wonder if that was intentional. It seems like it might be an accident, but according to dictionary.com, that word was used in the context we’re thinking of hundreds of years before this was written. Also, “milk and sperm of kindness”? How could a writer miss that?
January 27, 2012 at 2:17 pm
I don’t think it’s an accident. The book is full of barely disguised homoerotic longing.
Ishmael wakes up in Queequeg’s tattooed embrace by chapter 3. Seriously, what’s not to love about this strange strange book?
January 27, 2012 at 3:43 pm
Well, with a title like Moby Dick, what do you expect? We need the new female equivalent of Melville. Maybe a book called “The Incredibly Snug Spelunking Cave of Bajangoville.”
January 27, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Am I the only one who thinks this is really cool? I love that someone both thought of and took the time to use a typewriter to print the entire text of Moby Dick on toilet paper. It’s AMAZING. As a FJL, I’m extra J with my L today.
January 27, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Also, I wouldn’t dream of wiping my tush with this awesomeness. It must be preserved. You know, in a cool, dry place.
January 29, 2012 at 1:21 am
a) Consider: extra J meaans less F and L (relatively). Less F and/or L is usually considred good.
b) A cool, dry place: Am I the only one thinking Iron Maggie’s bajingo?
January 27, 2012 at 12:03 pm
Don’t worry, because the toilet paper came out of a CLEAN and sterile package, in case you want to use it. Don’t mind the ink streaks you’re gonna get up your crack!
January 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm
That only matters if someone’s going to be looking, surely.
January 27, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Jacqueline Stallone would!
January 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm
It seems to me that some would suggest this is where Melville’s novel should be. Considering that it has about 1342 pages of nautical data that can be summarized as ‘They were on a boat.’
January 27, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Yeah, I think TP is an appropriate medium for Moby Dick. The whole chapters Melville spent on the whaling industry, the way he went into excruciating detail explaining the symbolism of why the damn whale was white. Come on, buddy, leave that to the English Lit classes!
January 27, 2012 at 1:43 pm
If only it was Hemingway, it might be worth the investment. Muahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
January 27, 2012 at 5:56 pm
My literature class had to read Moby Dick when I was in Ninth Grade, and the whole class boycotted it. Why? Because just about the time things were getting interesting, Melville would go off on a 300-page tangent about rendering whale oil for lamps. It would have been an interesting book if they’d cut all the unnecessary stuff about the whaling industry out of it, and concentrated on Ahab’s quest to kill the White Whale.
If I wasn’t willing to read the book when it was assigned to me in class, why the hell would I want to read it written on toilet paper? Especially since I could pick up a used copy of it at our local bookstore for 25 cents?
January 28, 2012 at 5:27 am
My husband (an English major) has a world class hate on for Herman Melville after reading this book. Buying this for him would make his whole year. Damn good thing we are broke!
January 28, 2012 at 7:07 am
Maybe if you had a printer, you could copy and format it and then try printing it on toilet paper with a jet ink printer? If you don’t have a septic system, try using Charmin Strong.
January 28, 2012 at 2:15 pm
instant college art project.
January 28, 2012 at 9:11 pm
so…i have a true story for you all….
the house my boyfriend use to rent had a less than responsible owner. we had several conversations with him, due to his irresponsibility, and we learned a few fun facts about him.
1. he was clearly a drug abuser (we think he smoked rocks)
2. he had a girlfriend with a son mooching off of him…he got a penis enlargment surgery for her
3. he claimed to be a preacher (maybe he was, wouldnt want to go to that church though)
i bring this up because this ridiculous person left several rolls of toilet paper with psalms printed on them in the cupboard above the refrigerator.
February 2, 2012 at 9:31 am
Psalms on TP?
So he was a Holy Roller?