On that note I couldn’t decide if the resting placement of the knife between the two bun halves was more reminiscent of the standard “two balls and a stick” or of titty fucking.
The head was pointing the wrong way for the Scrotum Theory, but then I felt he missed a good opportunity for a messy pearl necklace with his deliberate mayo placement.
Wait, what? I know I’m new here but what and where are these rules you speak of? If I have committed a sin I must know. I was raised catholic – penance is a way of life.
I had a buddy who would start off each morning with a bacon and ketchup omelette (not TOO different from this). According to him, Heinz is apparently the king of ketchups.
I mainly use it as an ingredient, but it DOES make a better meatloaf.
Ketchup on scrambled eggs is a long-standing family tradition around here, especially if fried potatoes are on the plate. Maybe the bacon is just collateral damage in the sauce-fest of the omelet?
About 20 years ago I worked in Rockefeller Center and was having lunch outside on one of the plazas with a friend. Walking to a bench in a rather deserted plaza (it was a dreary, maybe-it-will-rain day) and stopped dead in our tracks: There, lying on one of the benches was a dildo that had to have been at least 15 inches long sitting on the bench. He and I giggled ourselves silly. After lunch, grabbed it, walked over to a trash can (which, in that area, are housed in square containers with flat tops), and propped up the dildo on its wide base, in all its glory.
We were only sorry we weren’t there when a maintenance man came by to empty the trash.
I expect Nigella Lawson would have a knife block full of Dildo knives. I didn’t think anyone could out-saucey her until I saw this. And last week I watched her fill her deep sided flange on television….
I’m not even drunk. I think it’s just a testament to the amount of insane shit I’ve been exposed to on the Internet that my first thought was: “Well that dildo knife just doesn’t look sturdy enough to kill a hobo with. I wonder what he used for that.”
Someone correct me if I’m wrong (I know you will anyway so it’s cool), but once bacon is called bacon it’s not raw, right? It’s cured. There’s no such thing as “raw” bacon; that would just be called pork belly.
This is awesome. My first thought was, wow I gotta make me a knife like that. Then, it got good with the hooker and burying hobos. I can’t stop laughing. My husband thinks I’m nuts as he was getting only audio and not seeing the subtitles.
The subtitles don’t always match what he’s really saying, just as a FYI. Dude’s YouTube channel is here, mostly consisting of videos of him blaming his continued unemployment on the government.
You know, if that thing vibrates, he’s got himself a good electric turkey knife. And it’ll make sure the family only makes you host Thanksgiving just the one time…
Say April, have we thanked you lately for starting off our collective mornings in the best way possible? I haven’t cooked breakfast in years (never any time) and now I have both an excuse not to and a reason to want to.
First of all, the whole deeldeau swirly screen made me feel like I went on a short, bad acid trip.
Secondly, that knife is pretty handy if you’re feeling frisky while slicing potatoes.
What a raconteur! “The day you were born I was killing this grandmother witch, there was this Big Fish was blowing me, so I buried the circus people. Enjoy the mayo and ketchup bacon sandwiches.”
It’s from the movie Big Fish. Hence why I bolded the words Big Fish. In Big Fish, there is this guy who tells these unbelievable tales. The main character played by Albert Finney as an old man, is what we would call a “raconteur, sone who is talented at telling long and complex tales. This RUssian dude is quite the raconteur himself *RollsEyesSarcastically* This post blended the Russian guy’s story telling with plot points from the movie.
But hey, if you didn’t get it, you didn’t get it. Big Fish did not do well at the box office, so fault lies with me for picking an obscure film.
I watched this for the first time at about six AM, and I was perfectly fine with the dildo knife then.
Five hours later, I was unpacking my lunch, and I just hear deeeeeeldeau deeeeldeau deeeeeeeldeau in my head, over and over. Opening up the thermos- deeeeeeeldeau deeeeeeeeeeldeeaauu deeeeeeldeau. Staring at my chicken noodles (I had intended to make chicken noodle soup, and I have no idea what I did to the broth, but whatever it was, it was so horrible that the broth left. So chicken noodles for dinner and lunch. Just not the same.)- deeeeeldeau deeeeeeldeau deeeeldeau.
Just…. deeeldeau deeeeldeau deeeeeeldeau over and over and over my entire lunch break.
I still ate the chicken noodles, of course. Shit was delicious.
This instantly reminded me of… VEGAN… BLACK METAL… CHEF!
I’ve actually made this, and some of his other recipes … purely for the sake of plugging speakers into my computer while in the kitchen and blasting his instructions while annoying the absolute piss out of my neighbors.
January 26, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Qu’est-ce que fuck?!
January 26, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Oh, no. Nothing as logical as that.
January 26, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Psycho killer
Qu’est-ce que c’est…..
run run run run run run run away.
That song has never been so appropriate as it is now.
January 26, 2012 at 8:59 pm
Short firm thrusts of the dildo. Got it.
January 26, 2012 at 9:17 pm
Into the bacon?
January 26, 2012 at 11:33 pm
I’m sure that dildo was in atleast one pig or another.
January 27, 2012 at 6:10 am
I see what you did there.
January 26, 2012 at 9:05 pm
He needs to make a matching dildo squeeze bottle for the mayo.
January 26, 2012 at 9:57 pm
But not the ketchup. That would be scary.
January 27, 2012 at 6:10 am
oh, like the dildo knife wasn’t scary enough for you?
January 27, 2012 at 9:37 am
It’s like a vagina dentata in reverse.
January 27, 2012 at 7:09 am
On that note I couldn’t decide if the resting placement of the knife between the two bun halves was more reminiscent of the standard “two balls and a stick” or of titty fucking.
The head was pointing the wrong way for the Scrotum Theory, but then I felt he missed a good opportunity for a messy pearl necklace with his deliberate mayo placement.
January 27, 2012 at 7:10 am
Nah, I’m over-thinking it. Butt cheeks, right?
January 27, 2012 at 9:49 am
That was my guess.
January 26, 2012 at 9:06 pm
I think I love this video. With my genitals.
What?
January 26, 2012 at 9:07 pm
Uh…what the fuck just happened?
January 26, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Pork + sex =
January 26, 2012 at 9:36 pm
Cannot unsee!!! >_<
January 26, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Rule 34. No exceptions.
January 26, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Clearly rule 35… but gah!
January 26, 2012 at 11:14 pm
Wait, what? I know I’m new here but what and where are these rules you speak of? If I have committed a sin I must know. I was raised catholic – penance is a way of life.
January 26, 2012 at 11:34 pm
Google: Rules of the internet
And thou shall be enlightened.
January 27, 2012 at 6:45 am
I’m sorry – I read that as ‘ ..penis is a way of life.’
Then I googled the rules and about the 5th result was this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Slow-motion-bouncing-penis.gif
You’re welcome.
January 27, 2012 at 8:25 am
That was a nice piece. I’m a cock connoisseur.
January 27, 2012 at 4:18 am
She was always a pig!
He really went hogging.
When she finished, he porked her. . .
January 27, 2012 at 11:01 am
I want to thumb up this a million times!!!
January 26, 2012 at 9:12 pm
*blinks repeatedly* that knife, I swear to cake.
January 26, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Ok, I was fine with the dildo knife till he said he found it in the dumpster . . . THEN I thought it was unhygienic.
January 26, 2012 at 9:21 pm
And what did he do that it took him a couple of hours to make?
January 26, 2012 at 9:41 pm
I was fine with everything until he put ketchup on bacon.
January 26, 2012 at 9:46 pm
Yeah, that was sacrilege! Ketchup on bacon!!! *sputters indignantly
January 26, 2012 at 11:23 pm
but it looked like Heinz and not that Hunt’s poor excuse for ‘catsup’, so I let it slide a little.
January 27, 2012 at 6:12 am
I had a buddy who would start off each morning with a bacon and ketchup omelette (not TOO different from this). According to him, Heinz is apparently the king of ketchups.
I mainly use it as an ingredient, but it DOES make a better meatloaf.
January 27, 2012 at 7:42 am
LOL, I live 45 minutes away from here.
http://www.heinz.ca/about_us.asp
January 27, 2012 at 8:14 am
Ketchup on scrambled eggs is a long-standing family tradition around here, especially if fried potatoes are on the plate. Maybe the bacon is just collateral damage in the sauce-fest of the omelet?
January 27, 2012 at 9:41 am
Um, I always eat bacon with ketchup. Sorry?
January 27, 2012 at 9:50 am
That was when my stomach turned.
January 26, 2012 at 11:32 pm
I was also appalled by the fact that he pulled that out of a dumpster. Way more than that he stabbed a hobo.
January 27, 2012 at 9:49 am
About 20 years ago I worked in Rockefeller Center and was having lunch outside on one of the plazas with a friend. Walking to a bench in a rather deserted plaza (it was a dreary, maybe-it-will-rain day) and stopped dead in our tracks: There, lying on one of the benches was a dildo that had to have been at least 15 inches long sitting on the bench. He and I giggled ourselves silly. After lunch, grabbed it, walked over to a trash can (which, in that area, are housed in square containers with flat tops), and propped up the dildo on its wide base, in all its glory.
We were only sorry we weren’t there when a maintenance man came by to empty the trash.
January 27, 2012 at 10:02 am
Yeah, cooking with a dildo he found in a dumpster. He is the bravest man alive.
January 26, 2012 at 9:33 pm
I expect Nigella Lawson would have a knife block full of Dildo knives. I didn’t think anyone could out-saucey her until I saw this. And last week I watched her fill her deep sided flange on television….
January 26, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Somehow, that made perfect sense and was absolutely logical, even the penis knife. I blame the Jagermeister.
January 26, 2012 at 10:00 pm
Used dumpster penis knife. Which would be an awesome, though confusing, name for a band.
January 27, 2012 at 6:24 pm
I’m not even drunk. I think it’s just a testament to the amount of insane shit I’ve been exposed to on the Internet that my first thought was: “Well that dildo knife just doesn’t look sturdy enough to kill a hobo with. I wonder what he used for that.”
January 26, 2012 at 9:54 pm
Raw bacon-cutting knife used to cut bread FTW! That must have helped Gramdma on her way. That whore!
January 27, 2012 at 2:02 am
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that.
January 27, 2012 at 4:35 am
They can’t prove anything.
January 27, 2012 at 8:15 am
Sampler, please!
January 27, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Someone correct me if I’m wrong (I know you will anyway so it’s cool), but once bacon is called bacon it’s not raw, right? It’s cured. There’s no such thing as “raw” bacon; that would just be called pork belly.
January 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm
It’s Plinkett’s foreign cousin!
January 26, 2012 at 9:58 pm
I’ve found my soulmate!
January 26, 2012 at 10:08 pm
I’m confused and afraid.
January 26, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Now I know what to do with my penis-shaped vibrator when the motor dies.
January 26, 2012 at 10:49 pm
He”s not gonna eat the bacon? Oh fer Christ’s sake!
January 26, 2012 at 10:54 pm
This is awesome. My first thought was, wow I gotta make me a knife like that. Then, it got good with the hooker and burying hobos. I can’t stop laughing. My husband thinks I’m nuts as he was getting only audio and not seeing the subtitles.
January 27, 2012 at 5:17 am
The subtitles don’t always match what he’s really saying, just as a FYI. Dude’s YouTube channel is here, mostly consisting of videos of him blaming his continued unemployment on the government.
Anyway, cooking with Masaokis, parts two, three and four.
January 26, 2012 at 11:14 pm
I’m hoping that his next video will involve a vibrating meat tenderizer.
January 27, 2012 at 6:58 am
You know, if that thing vibrates, he’s got himself a good electric turkey knife. And it’ll make sure the family only makes you host Thanksgiving just the one time…
January 26, 2012 at 11:20 pm
I love how the context ads next to this post are for sex toys and AMISH ROMANCE. yes. amish romance.
Here’s the dildoes if this post made you excited! Here’s the amish romances if if made you want to leave the internet forever. EVERYBODY WINS!
January 26, 2012 at 11:52 pm
I had to disable my ad blocker so I could see the Amish romance and dildos.
Here’s some Amish porn:
http://youtu.be/9yvdOZEVqVE
January 26, 2012 at 11:38 pm
January 27, 2012 at 1:17 am
…This was almost creepier than the video. o_o
January 27, 2012 at 6:13 am
But deliciously creepy.
January 27, 2012 at 12:01 am
I’m actually slightly disappointed, I was sure this would be a video by Masaokis…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_YXN8PiFNM
January 27, 2012 at 12:10 am
Does this guy have only a right arm?
January 27, 2012 at 10:24 am
I think he was balancing the camera with the other
January 27, 2012 at 11:02 pm
That’s just what you want to think he was doing with the other!
January 27, 2012 at 1:16 am
Upcycled items in this video:
Deeldeau
Steak knife
Grandma
Hobo
January 27, 2012 at 5:30 am
wtf? Im speechless. and I want a dildo knife, who wouldnt. (apart from the hooker in “Seven”)
January 27, 2012 at 5:46 am
All I saw on the stove was Mickey Mouse with bacon on his face…
January 27, 2012 at 6:15 am
Say April, have we thanked you lately for starting off our collective mornings in the best way possible? I haven’t cooked breakfast in years (never any time) and now I have both an excuse not to and a reason to want to.
January 27, 2012 at 6:44 am
Has anyone else noticed he only uses one hand, so is he filming this himself?? Or what his he doing with his other hand??
Plus, that looks like just fat he is cooking, where is the bacon part??
January 27, 2012 at 6:57 am
I’ll only say one thing. I’m glad we can see that the mayo was indeed acquired from a jar…
January 27, 2012 at 9:08 am
Did the jar say “Felix”?
Felix Mayo – it’s what the pros use!
Take that, Bobby Flay.
January 27, 2012 at 7:21 pm
Yes, it came from a jar, but what’s in the jar came from a guy named Felix.
January 27, 2012 at 6:55 am
January 27, 2012 at 7:12 am
First of all, the whole deeldeau swirly screen made me feel like I went on a short, bad acid trip.
Secondly, that knife is pretty handy if you’re feeling frisky while slicing potatoes.
January 27, 2012 at 7:26 am
I dunno; Seems like “feeling frisky” + “knife” = “Ill Conceived”
January 27, 2012 at 7:58 am
I wonder if has thought of an upcycled sheath for his knife made from discarded foreskin…..or maybe he’s working on it. that would explain the hobo..
January 27, 2012 at 9:00 am
Hobo bridal registry item:
Downcycled dildo steak knife.
CHECK!
January 27, 2012 at 8:56 am
Perhaps he’ll sell the plans for that stunner knife on etsy.
January 27, 2012 at 11:49 am
Don’t worry, you will be able to buy it at Anthropologie next week!!
January 27, 2012 at 8:59 am
What a raconteur!
“The day you were born I was killing this grandmother witch, there was this Big Fish was blowing me, so I buried the circus people. Enjoy the mayo and ketchup bacon sandwiches.”
January 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm
TLTGI, but that reads like an episode of Bad Lip Reading.
January 28, 2012 at 7:12 am
It’s from the movie Big Fish. Hence why I bolded the words Big Fish. In Big Fish, there is this guy who tells these unbelievable tales. The main character played by Albert Finney as an old man, is what we would call a “raconteur, sone who is talented at telling long and complex tales. This RUssian dude is quite the raconteur himself *RollsEyesSarcastically* This post blended the Russian guy’s story telling with plot points from the movie.
But hey, if you didn’t get it, you didn’t get it. Big Fish did not do well at the box office, so fault lies with me for picking an obscure film.
January 27, 2012 at 9:59 am
Did anyone else get a Red Letter Media flashback here??
January 27, 2012 at 10:17 am
I love MarkoRepairs!
BUT I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU IGNORED THE FACT THAT HE IS FINNISH. Because this is the calibre of people we get in Finland.
January 27, 2012 at 11:06 am
Fucking A, this shit is HILARIOUS. The comments are only making it better/worse. I love you people.
January 27, 2012 at 11:21 am
Did anyone else get a Patrick Bateman vine from this??
January 27, 2012 at 11:26 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j13yVfInJUs&feature=youtube_gdata_player
January 27, 2012 at 1:23 pm
I watched this for the first time at about six AM, and I was perfectly fine with the dildo knife then.
Five hours later, I was unpacking my lunch, and I just hear deeeeeeldeau deeeeldeau deeeeeeeldeau in my head, over and over. Opening up the thermos- deeeeeeeldeau deeeeeeeeeeldeeaauu deeeeeeldeau. Staring at my chicken noodles (I had intended to make chicken noodle soup, and I have no idea what I did to the broth, but whatever it was, it was so horrible that the broth left. So chicken noodles for dinner and lunch. Just not the same.)- deeeeeldeau deeeeeeldeau deeeeldeau.
Just…. deeeldeau deeeeldeau deeeeeeldeau over and over and over my entire lunch break.
I still ate the chicken noodles, of course. Shit was delicious.
January 28, 2012 at 10:04 am
I think I love you.
January 27, 2012 at 2:43 pm
All I’m thinking is cross contamination..
January 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm
You know, I’ve cooked for many, many years, and until today, “cross contamination” never included the clap.
January 28, 2012 at 10:05 am
You are all sick, evil perverts. I feel so at home.
January 29, 2012 at 1:15 am
My favorite part of this whole things are the comments that try to deconstruct a video where a guy is cooking with a dildo knife.
January 29, 2012 at 6:35 am
This instantly reminded me of… VEGAN… BLACK METAL… CHEF!
I’ve actually made this, and some of his other recipes … purely for the sake of plugging speakers into my computer while in the kitchen and blasting his instructions while annoying the absolute piss out of my neighbors.
January 29, 2012 at 6:37 am
Oh hey, would you look at this…
Vegan Black Metal Chef
… the link I added to my post that, for whatever reason, did not render.
February 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Buffalo Bill’s kitchen.