My Fiverr Valentine: Day 3
All this week, we’re showcasing Valentine gift suggestions from Fiverr.com, the place where people go to tell the world what they’re willing to do for $5.
Last night, we had Rapper Man droppin’ some fresh rhymes in the hizzy!*
* Like the kids say on their MySpaces
Tonight, we’ve got a special video from Old Bitty Grandma, who channels the cupcakes of Happytown to bring us a VERY ETSY VALENTINE.
Click here to get your own, bitter, hostile Valentine from Old Bitty Grandma!
January 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
The link to her Fiverr page doesn’t work, it tries to take me to orders made by the Regretsy account and demands a login.
January 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
Never mind, fixed as I hit “post”…
January 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Oh my. That was interesting… My nightmares are going to echo with, “Be mine. It’s fermented!”
January 26, 2012 at 2:04 am
Oh yes… If you can even fall asleep.
January 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm
IT’S FERMENTED!
Dying
January 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
“Be mine, it’s fermented!” That was genius.
January 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Fermented… Demented….
As long as it’s cupcakes!
January 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm
I, uh….fermented some homemade cheese yesterday. It was vegan. I’m going to go cry tears of shame into my tequila now.
January 25, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Screw that! Hold your head up you FJL (but keep the drink). There’s nothing wrong with home cheese, vegan dishes or kale (I guess if you prepare it right…….umm). It’s the “I like to make fermented foods”. It just leaves everyone scratching their head and it just sounds gross.
January 26, 2012 at 12:22 am
KALE!!!! *shakes fist at the sky*
January 26, 2012 at 9:15 am
Rail against the kale!
January 25, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Vegan cheese… You could pop it on a black bean burger and have an Oxymoron Burger.
January 25, 2012 at 9:06 pm
Can I get the Oxymoron Burger combo meal with Jello?
January 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm
Would you like soy fries with that?
January 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm
…with Portobello mushroom “buns”.
(Actually a thing for the gluten-allergic among us.)
January 25, 2012 at 9:42 pm
If you can come up with a good vegan cheese I’ll be very impressed. Even the local free paper’s vegan columnist admits she’s had a difficult time finding a vegan cheese that was any good.
January 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm
Ditto vegan chocolates. My sister makes a killer vegan peanut butter ball treat, but chocolate just is never going to be the same without milk. Unless you’re the rare person who can adapt to just having solid chunks of sugared cocoa as a dessert.
January 26, 2012 at 12:13 am
I’m not even vegan, and I like solid dark cocoa much more than milk chocolate. Too bad I can’t sell you my taste for $5, vegan friend.
January 26, 2012 at 9:54 am
I’m not one.
I eat regular milk chocolate etc. My Mom is lactose intolerant, so a lot of the recipes she can actually eat were created for and by vegans. Most of the desserts either use really expensive ingredients or they sound awful (sometimes both).
January 25, 2012 at 10:15 pm
It’s a conviction you have to be willing to suffer for, is what I’m saying.
January 26, 2012 at 9:16 am
I’m fine with vegans suffering.
January 26, 2012 at 5:00 am
Vegan cheese: it’s called “tofu”
January 26, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Or a yeast infection. I’m sorry, I’ll see myself out.
January 26, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Actually if you ferment it with probiotics it wards that kind of fungal infection off.
January 26, 2012 at 6:44 pm
I use the pulp left over from making almond milk. It makes a soft cheese but it’s damn good on homemade pizza. Recipes abound on the internet.
January 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm
that was my favorite part! I’m going to have to stop using that line when I try to get people to eat something I’ve made; it never works. and now I know how ridiculous it sounds to someone else.
January 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Cross stitch anyone??
January 25, 2012 at 11:05 pm
I was watching this in confusion (and a bit of horror) till she said “It’s fermented!” Now I’m crying from laughing so much. It’s fermented is now going to be my default response to EVERYTHING.
Only Dror and Sam could ever top this piece of glorious fuckery.
January 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I’m not sure why, I’m not sure how, I’m just sure that this video terrifies the living daylights out of me
January 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Perhaps because it’s a fairly accurate portrayal of the Cupcake Brigade?
January 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I feel partially like I want to hug her, and partially as if I need to curl up in a corner somewhere.
January 25, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Just don’t turn your back to her.
January 26, 2012 at 12:04 am
Safe warm place with pink fuzzies bouncing.
January 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Love the stares between cuts! Like she can’t even believe what she’s saying.
January 25, 2012 at 10:16 pm
It’s like she’s channeling Pearl Forrester.
January 26, 2012 at 8:27 am
Pearl Forrester? Sure! How about Edith Massey, Pearl, and a shitload of bacon!
January 26, 2012 at 7:54 pm
As much as I love Edith Massey, I thought of Christine Ebersole as Little Edie Beale.
“Honestly, they can get you on Etsy for wearing red shoes on a Thursday – and all that sort of thing.”
January 26, 2012 at 8:37 am
And the eye rolling! HA!
January 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Dancing Dror got her started! That made me a little teary!
January 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
HOW DID YOU KNOW IT’S FERMENTED oh wait you’re talking about the cupcake…
January 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
I can’t believe it, but this video has got me to question my theory that everything fermented is amazing…
brb, going on a beer run.
January 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
You do that. I’m going to go wash dishes and drink wine.
I’M AN ADULT.
January 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
January 25, 2012 at 7:58 pm
The Responsibility award is OURS AT LAST! Internet? Reading Regretsy comments? So enticing! Fuck you, everything else. And now it’s gone. *rocking slowly back and forth in the corner*
January 26, 2012 at 10:13 am
What am I, some kind of WIZARD?!
January 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Oh I do love her wicked sense of humor masked behind that sticky sweet voice.
January 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
This is totally off-topic, but April, is the age they have for you on IMDB accurate? Every time I see it (which is often, since I visit your IMDB page approximately once every twenty-three minutes), I’m seriously confused. You look younger than me…and I’m 26.
January 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Oh fine WHY DON’T YOU ASK ME ABOUT MY WEIGHT NEXT
January 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Yes it’s true
January 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm
when a 20 something is commenting on your youthful appearance does that mean you can introduce yourself as ‘milf at large’ or do you officially require offspring?
January 26, 2012 at 12:08 am
My sister used to be mistaken for being in her 20′s at 42. My mother, in her mid 60′s, gets asked ID when she goes for the senior discount.
January 26, 2012 at 10:14 am
Well given what the “M” in “MILF” stands for, I would say that it probably does require offspring.
January 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
More importantly, YOU DATED KEVIN SPACEY!?! Why, I’ll scratch your eyes right out of your head for that. Yum, drool and slobber.
January 25, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Should have been at the Regretsy Fetsy!
I got a hug from HK and knowing that those arms of hers were once around KS means that I will never wash my arms again. Or get them waxed _ EVER.
January 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm
I just want a hug from HK. I don’t care where her arms have been, just that they are the same ones that affixed the Sandal Fascinator.
January 26, 2012 at 7:28 am
My mom is 45 and looks damn good for her age, and you look younger!
January 26, 2012 at 11:09 pm
I am one year older than Ms. April, and very proud to have reached this age without a prison record* for shooting anyone in the fucking head.
*Yet.
January 27, 2012 at 8:46 pm
aRMS?
January 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 25, 2012 at 9:08 pm
Nah, I’m just down-thumbing you for not bringing back enough beer.
January 25, 2012 at 9:09 pm
And for the record, I don’t think HK is fat. I would hit that like a high schooler on spring break.
January 25, 2012 at 9:18 pm
You shouldn’t have said that, that’s all. Sarcastic or not…it wasn’t nice.
(Am I being sarcastic?)
January 25, 2012 at 9:22 pm
Stop now.
January 26, 2012 at 4:32 am
Sarcasm usually requires you to be funny. You weren’t.
January 26, 2012 at 8:59 am
I downvoted you because you changed your avatar (and for your comments, too, but mainly for the change in avatar). Your new one is in-your-face and really casts a nasty attitude on your comments. Sorry–just saying!
January 26, 2012 at 10:27 am
Ok, we’re gonna wrap this one up now, thanks to everyone who participated!
January 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
en.wikiquote.org says you are younger by 2 years. However, didn’t you stop having birthdays when you turned 39? I know I did.
January 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm
My Mom started counting backwards at 40. I think she’s turning 3 this year.
January 25, 2012 at 7:49 pm
That gets confusing when you get into negative numbers.
January 26, 2012 at 8:57 am
I think that’s when she achieves godhood. She’s pretty close already.
January 25, 2012 at 10:07 pm
YEAH for celebrating the 10th anniversary of HK’s 29th birthday!!!
January 26, 2012 at 10:31 am
Whoa whoa whoa, I just gave birth to my first child on Jan 4th…. didn’t notice that was HKs berfdae until just now! Maybe I spent too much time on Regretsy towards the end of my pregnancy…
January 26, 2012 at 9:01 am
You don’t STOP having birthdays after 39, you CELEBRATE your 39th birthday each and every year after that. Next month, I’m celebrating my 39th birthday for the 13th time. Hey–I’m a teenager again!
January 26, 2012 at 10:54 am
When I turned 39, I would tell people I was the same age as Jack Benny when he died.
January 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm
No kidding. Geez.
Yes, You look amazing! But, why is anyone asking you about this stuff?
Bronc needs to make some new posting rules….
January 25, 2012 at 9:25 pm
Can we submit suggestions?
January 25, 2012 at 9:35 pm
I’m not sure that it works that way.
January 27, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I was asking because I couldn’t believe it. Here’s a better question: why do you care so much?
January 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Is that what you kids are calling the old ball & chain now-a-days?
January 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm
I figured April was in her 20s too, and I’m 24.
Still can’t believe it. Here are my ideas:
1. immortal alchemist
2. time traveller
3. MAGIC
January 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm
It’s her diet of fermented foods and her religious use of Hillbilly Banjingo Wash.
January 26, 2012 at 1:18 am
Can’t help but wonder whether HBW is supposed to prevent fermentation and whether it actually does.
January 25, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Perhaps she is related to Kenneth Parcell.
January 26, 2012 at 7:56 pm
There’s actually a picture of her in the attic. It’s on black velvet and it’s starting to look like Admiral Ackbar.
January 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm
Don’t you know that it’s rude to ask a lady about her age?
That’s why I don’t tell anyone how old I am. If they ask, I lie.
January 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm
HK is just a modern beautiful woman! XX is the new 25!
January 25, 2012 at 9:03 pm
HK IS so very beautiful…inside and out!
January 26, 2012 at 7:45 am
I’m just disappointed that her profile picture isn’t something from Regretsy. I’m all like “Ohhhhhh….she looks respectable/normal. That’s boring”. That picture with the flip flop on her head…now that says “I’m my own person!”.
January 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm
So did anyone else go to IMDB and type in “Helen Killer”?
(I blame the fermented cupcake)
January 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
YAY! I love oldbittygrandma. I got her fortune telling gig for my husband’s birthday.
January 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm
I picture this monologue happening daily in the Etsy offices.
January 25, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Nah. Grandma is much too cuddly and her glasses are too actually cute (as opposed to “ironically”) for the Etsy offices.
January 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
It was totally believable because once I spent the rest of my monthly budget on pony beads…
I loved it because I could relate to it in a very deep, profound way.
January 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
I see what you did there
January 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Now we know what is in the cup.
January 25, 2012 at 7:42 pm
It’s vodka actually…
The pony beads are…well, I’m not saying…you can’t have my pony beads.
January 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
All good crafts involve pony beads and fermentation.
January 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I want to come to your house for craft night.
January 26, 2012 at 5:53 am
This is a thing that must happen.
January 25, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Throw some yarn in there and you’ll be ready to be featured!!
January 25, 2012 at 9:33 pm
& glitter, it aint craft if it don’t sparkle.
January 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm
How much backstory do you give these guys? All these valentines seem scarily well versed in etsyisms.
January 26, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Navi: see below. This gal is a bona fide Regretsian.
January 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Man, she’d be an awesome grandma. She’d start the day trying to teach me how to knit, and by tea time we’d be setting fire to her lawn gnomes while she chants something in Gaelic about running the hose for too long.
January 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Who is this woman and Can I buy her a drink?
She is the plus size woman of my dreams.
January 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Hands off, I wanted her first!
January 25, 2012 at 10:50 pm
I’m too into men to be a threat
January 26, 2012 at 12:10 pm
Call me
January 27, 2012 at 8:50 pm
wOOF!!
January 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Regretsy: Restoring Your Hope In Humanity Ever Since We Destroyed It.
January 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm
That belongs on a sampler!
January 25, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Brilliant! Or at least well and evenly illuminated.
January 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
I may have peed a little. From hilarity or fright, the jury’s still out.
January 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
The jury’s still out, but the evidence has been submitted.
January 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Or in this case emitted.
January 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm
In a sterile cup I hope.
January 25, 2012 at 7:51 pm
I wonder what RedSoloCup has to say about this…
January 25, 2012 at 9:20 pm
My cup is full o booze…alcohol kills much and gives much. Namaste, beetches.
January 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
I swear that was my aunt Bonnie. Except she isn’t a grandma yet. I think…maybe I need to call my aunt.
January 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I have the worst chesty head cold in the history of history and “It’s fermented!” made me laugh so hard I had a coughing fit that made me cough out a lung. It’s sitting here on my desk.
January 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Glue some glitter on it: front page gold!
January 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
“It’s my fermented lung! With pony beads and glitter!”
January 25, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Watched it again. Now there are two lungs.
January 25, 2012 at 7:52 pm
Thank god you still have that third one still functioning.
… We have three lungs, right?
January 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
A new funny woman to stalk. It’s a good day!
January 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Man, can that lady sing! She’s got a beautiful acapella voice.
January 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Her rant gig includes the phrase “phallic-shaped crap missile.” She is a gem, I love her!
January 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
“It’s fermented!” Best Line Ever.
January 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm
That was truly amazing. I want to be just like her when I grow up. If I ever do grow up. So far I’m just getting older.
January 25, 2012 at 7:36 pm
I wish she was my fermented grandma.
January 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm
In my professional experience, fermented grandma is a bit too strong to serve on its own. It’s much better in a sauce or cocktail, where its natural flavors are allowed to bloom.
January 26, 2012 at 5:05 am
You’re a homebrewer, aren’t you
January 25, 2012 at 7:37 pm
Jo your fermented!! love it!!
P.S. She also does a killer impression of Billie Holiday.
January 25, 2012 at 8:31 pm
I was finishing up a dill pickle when she got to the “It’s fermented!!” line. Good gravy does pickle juice hurt when it goes up the sinus cavity.
January 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm
So what you’re saying is my vinegar and salt nasal spray might not sell as well as I was hoping?
January 26, 2012 at 9:05 am
Add dill and you’re golden.
January 26, 2012 at 10:42 am
A.K.A. Hillbilly sinus cavity wash.
January 25, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Be Mine…it’s fermented. I woke up the cats laughing. Damn…I am so getting the cross stitch out and making this a sampler.
January 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm
We’re on the Fiverr blog now. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
January 25, 2012 at 9:21 pm
It’s good…has to be good.
January 25, 2012 at 9:36 pm
I think I could totally be friends with this woman…she’s awesome.
January 25, 2012 at 11:33 pm
At first I laughed, but then I started to really fucking miss my mother. If she was still around today she would totally be doing this shit, and I’d be, like, the daughter of a YouTube celebrity.
January 26, 2012 at 2:00 am
She reminds me of that lady who was on the show Veronica’s Closet with Kirstie Alley.
January 26, 2012 at 3:34 am
Awww! HKpril! You love us! You really really love us!
The last 3 days of fuckery have been totally amazeballs! Can’t wait for the next 2 days of FJLengendaryness!!!
January 26, 2012 at 4:59 am
Laughin so hard I’m crying here
That was freaking brilliant!
January 26, 2012 at 7:30 am
I ordered this:
http://fiverr.com/coreworkouts/send-a-funny-cupid-valentine-message
for my boyfriend today. I feel like this should be one of the things HK stumbles upon for Valentine’s. Because it’s fabulous (as long as you can write a decent script up. I think I did).
January 26, 2012 at 10:40 am
I love his “Australian nature enthusiast” gig!
January 26, 2012 at 8:47 am
I love her.
We get to keep her, too, right?
January 26, 2012 at 8:54 am
I love everyone you and everyone here too, and I am all yours, for keeps!
January 26, 2012 at 9:06 am
Wait, SHE is YOU??????
January 26, 2012 at 9:11 am
Let me check…Yup! All me!! xoxo Mugsy!!
January 26, 2012 at 9:15 am
This made my day.
I was sure that blackgermansheperd was a gay man.
Well damn!
January 26, 2012 at 9:37 am
You are now EXTRA awesome!!
OK, folks, she’s one of us—no need to be scared!
I just went to Fiverr and was impressed with all the options you offer. Quite a range! And you look so familiar. Have you done TV or movie work? Commercials?
January 26, 2012 at 9:54 am
Screw it. Shameless plug, but hey, I waited until the next day and un-monetized just for Regretsy readers…right?
Totally channeling Regretsy in my old listing video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nbxFYdbrS8
So very green but what the hell…Reading Regretsys fortune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWIe8jiQM6c (stick around for end outtake)
I ♥ ♥ ♥ Regretsy!!
January 26, 2012 at 10:22 am
LOL, loved that reading!
“Oh… peeeenises…”
January 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm
You’re the coolest person I know. I love you, too!!
January 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Also, can you adopt me? PLEASE?
January 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Oh.
Mah.
Gawd.
YOU ALREADY BELONG TO US! ♥
January 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Well, that explains how you got us so well.
January 26, 2012 at 7:26 pm
I love you, will you come live in my house? I shall prepare for you a craft room with many divided containers for your pony beads, and jars for cupcake fermenting.
January 26, 2012 at 11:14 pm
OBG/BGS, you crack me up, and that’s hard to do these days!
January 26, 2012 at 10:17 am
My husband has gotten so used to Regretsy being an introduction to things kinky and distrubing, that when he heard the video playing, he asked, “And what, pray tell, are pony beads?” He had that look on his face like he was bracing for the next Goatse.
It was really anti-climactic to tell him the answer.
January 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm
Love the tiny hat
January 26, 2012 at 4:41 pm
“It’s fermented!” made me piddle with glee.
January 26, 2012 at 7:48 pm
This is even better when I’m drunk. OMG.
January 26, 2012 at 8:12 pm
This will crack me up forever.