My Fiverr Valentine: Day 2
All this week, we’ll be showcasing Valentine gift suggestions from Fiverr.com, the place where people go to tell the world what they’re willing to do for $5.
Last night, we showcased this custom Valentine dance by Spandy Andy, and later this week we’ll have a special video that is sure to offend everyone.
But tonight, we invite you to dig the dope rhymes of Rapper Man!
We are DIY meets WTF
That’s the best description, I guess
We just love people who really like Twilight
Edward Cullen, OMG, he’s my life!
Read all the posts, some are password protected
“CF4L” if I forgot to mention
Namaste, bitches, enjoy hell, devil
Crease and desist, there’s so much I gotta tell you
Ask me what Steampunk is, No question’s too dumb
Or write some butt hurt, but my feelings are too numb
Speaking of butts, let’s continue, follow me
To Jacqueline Stallone and her famous Rumpology
Jesus, does she even get business?
If I knew how, I would curse in Finnish
I think I’m getting sued now and time’s a wastin
I need to call my lawyers up, Koppian and Paystin
January 24, 2012 at 6:01 pm
I love these Valentines!
January 24, 2012 at 6:28 pm
SWEET JESUS this is brilliant did he write those lyrics
January 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm
I need to know the answer to this too! If so, he deserves more than $5!
January 25, 2012 at 8:26 am
For real. That was awesome.
January 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
I just asked him, I’ll see what he says.
If he wrote them, like his gig claims, then I think I’ll be using his “tip for a job well done” to tip in another $5. That was awesome.
January 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
And he did! From him
rapper_man :
Helen Killer gave me the info and I create the rhymes. A little bit difficult because I have no idea about all those inside jokes, but I did the best I could.
Yup I sure did
January 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Everything about this is wonderful. But it’s still no Spandy Andy. Maybe he could dance in this video?
January 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm
Hope that helps!
January 24, 2012 at 7:14 pm
What the hell is up with that cat’s belly? Too much wine?!
January 24, 2012 at 10:11 pm
It helped me.
January 24, 2012 at 8:42 pm
This music with Spandy Andy dancing in the video would tear a hole in the space-time continuum…that’s how awesome it would be.
January 24, 2012 at 8:46 pm
my ideal would be Spandy Andy dancing to this rap, old school style (I want to see a running man)
January 25, 2012 at 5:25 am
gold chains with clocks, preferably.
January 25, 2012 at 1:22 am
I don’t know about more Andy right away. Very potent stuff, risk of OD?
January 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm
I want one. I want one so hard.
January 24, 2012 at 6:36 pm
I got my rap last week from him and it was AWESOMESAUCE! He can take anything and make a rap out of it…even a fat jealous loser! I love this guy!!!
January 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Oh. My. GOD.
I need that as a ringtone like seven minutes ago.
January 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Oh… my… gawd…
Where have all these people been for my whole life!?
I love this video. I love him!
Are we going to have a special room for all these things? Dancing Dror, Sam, Spandy Andy, and now “Dru Vocals”…
January 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Yes. And that room can be called “Beeby’s Bedroom.”
January 24, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Yes, but don’t think you need that whip to make it happen…I’m sure they’d follow you anywhere. Don’t LOSE the whip…you just don’t NEED it.
January 24, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Beeby’s Playhouse.
January 25, 2012 at 1:27 am
Won’t it get kind of crowded, I mean like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9YL0yHohts
January 25, 2012 at 4:14 am
The more the merrier, says I.
January 25, 2012 at 10:33 am
I think I need to start up some really awesome fiverr site so I can get in on this
January 24, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Effing awesome.
January 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm
I wish it could be a ringtone…
January 24, 2012 at 6:09 pm
I want that as a ring tone that I can somehow “forget” how to shut off in the middle of our next family dinner.
January 24, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I tried. The best I could cut it down to is about 40 seconds, and that is keeping the main song. I tried speeding it up a little but it still didn’t help without making him sound like a chipmunk.
January 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm
Realplayer is an awesome ringtone maker. You can download the video with it if you turn on the button in your browser or right click, convert it to mp3 with their convertor program, and then isolate your ringtone with their trimmer. Its all free ( as long as you have free texting, because you have to email them to yourself),l the realplayer stuff downloads all at once from their website, and your ringtones have no drm. Another video grabber is youtube dowloader, though it only works on youtube and you’d still have to find a program to convert the video to mp3. Or if you already have mp3 songs you can use phonezoo, which makes you register but is free, and also texts you ringtones you make on their site. Just FYI fellow FJL!
January 25, 2012 at 1:46 am
NOOOOO, DON’T DO IT!!!! Realplayer is possibly the most evil program ever developed that doesn’t actually set off malware detectors. Once you install it, you will never, ever be able to get it off, and it inserts parasitic tendrils throughout your computer until it eventually bursts through the chest of your OS.
January 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I think that’s the best description of what realplayer does I’ve ever heard. I think I managed to (Eventually) get it off one of my windows boxes, but it took a lot of trickery and slogging through forums.
I didn’t even realize realplayer was still around, I thought enough people had cottoned on to their trickery that they collapsed in on themselves like a flan in a cupboard…
January 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm
I almost lost it when I saw the Precious macro. I really needed this. It’s been a horribly shitty evening.
January 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm
I concur….Ringtones. Yes.
So Yeah,I love this place. I’m just sad I only lurked for so long…like the fat jealous stalker I am.
January 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Now Regretsy has its own rap song! Is there no end to this magnificence?
January 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm
No end in sight. The fuckery shall persist in perpetuity.
…that’s forever, bitches.
January 24, 2012 at 6:14 pm
I would fall in love with anyone who sent me a valentine like this.
January 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm
me too! Who needs flowers that will die by tomorrow. Rap lives forever!
January 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm
Does this give us “Street Cred”, now?
January 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm
So YOU’RE the one who’s in my brain. Get out! NOW! (Well, if you wouldn’t mind taking out some brain dust bunnies to the trash when you leave? Thanks!)
January 25, 2012 at 8:11 am
I don’t know about steet cred, but it gave me a fat jealous losergasm!
January 25, 2012 at 10:35 am
I am now going to legally change my name to F. J. Losergasm
Thank you for the idea! Your royalty check will be along shortly…
January 25, 2012 at 8:23 am
only if the street is made from “repurposed” asphalt and you can take color saturated photos of a nipple-showing girl wearing a headress and shitty jewelry while standing next to some graffiti on it
January 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Street “cred” not street “crud”!
January 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm
“we are DIY meets YTF” … close enough
January 24, 2012 at 6:24 pm
I think everyone knows it stands for Yak To Fuck.
January 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm
I’m pretty sure he also said Jacqueline Stone, which will probably send Jacqueline Stallone into a tizzy when she finds out there’s someone else out there horning in on her Rumpology territory.
January 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm
“Horning” should not be in the same sentence with “Jacqueline Stallone” or rump-anything. The unfortunate mental images are just too many.
January 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm
that was delicious!
January 24, 2012 at 6:27 pm
That was so
good, I needed a cigarette afterwards…..
January 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm
This is ten kinds of awesome. Level 4 cat awesome.
January 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm
So no one really notice the Jacqueline “Stone” thing?
January 24, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Yeah, but… it’s five bucks.
January 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm
Five bucks VERY well spent, I say.
January 26, 2012 at 1:21 am
I am honored that my very first comment on regretsy after all this time of lurking has been answered directly by goddess!!
January 25, 2012 at 4:15 am
I honestly thought it was just rapper-speak. Yo,Yo,Yo.
January 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm
January 24, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Love this! Looks just like my boyfriend’s cat Pudd’in!
January 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm
I have a torte to…16 years old…looks similar to this cat, right down to the evil stare.
January 24, 2012 at 7:04 pm
Yet another amazing man given to us FJL’s on a silver platter thanks to April.
This Valentines is turning out to be wonderful!
January 24, 2012 at 7:08 pm
I need one. Now, and I need this one as my ringtone for the fat jealouslosers in Northern Michigan.
January 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd up! GOATSE!
January 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm
This is the very fist Valentine I’ve ever gotten where I actually not only LIKED it, but feel truly SPECIAL. And not in a “special needs” kinda way.
THANKS BITCHES!
January 25, 2012 at 1:58 am
Fist Valentine…. Freudian slip?
I kid. I LOVE YOU ALL SO HARD.
January 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Awwwwww yeah!
January 24, 2012 at 7:38 pm
LOVE this! A steal for $5.
January 24, 2012 at 7:40 pm
FUCKIN A!!!:-D I love it and I bet the Rumpology Princess will love it too LOL
January 24, 2012 at 7:49 pm
am I the only one who has cryabeetus as an earbug?
January 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm
Haven’t you always have cryabeetus as an earbug? or was that butthurt? ;P
January 24, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Champagne and Regretsy rap. Could this evening get any better? I think not.
January 24, 2012 at 8:20 pm
<3 <3 <3 Epic butterscotch fudgy wonderfulness.
It wouldn't be nearly as awesome if he hadn't done such a great job performancewise. That was a great deal for $5.
January 24, 2012 at 8:44 pm
I think I can say this since I am obviously an authority on rap music. That was the bestest rap EVARRRRR!!
Thanks HK. You love us all so much…and it shows.
January 24, 2012 at 9:00 pm
Thanks for the week of valentines HK, I really need a laugh right now. My boyfriend of 10 years left me on Thursday for the babysitter of our 2 year old son. Our son’s birthday is February 15th, & I’m glad, because Valentine’s Day is going to be so, so shitty. I have no job, & I’m a full time nursing student, & now I’ve got to juggle my son’s care while I’m in class, with no damn job to pay anyone. Any laugh right now is so fucking great. Thanks so much, with steampunk octopi on top.
January 24, 2012 at 11:34 pm
No matter how long you’d been together, if he was ever willing to do something like that to you and your son then you’re better off without him. It might take a while to feel better, but try to remind yourself that he isn’t even worth a thought.
And you can rely on all of us. As you probably know, under our offensive, deep-fried candy shell of insults and rude comments is a very thick layer of grease and alcohol, and under that is feelings, probably.
I hope everything gets better soon. I’m sure we all do.
January 25, 2012 at 2:01 am
Jesus, that shit with a side of more shit. That is legit terrible. We’re all here for you though
You will pull through and then look back at this wifh well-deserved anger.
As WhizBangDoor said, we are quite nice under all the FJL
January 25, 2012 at 8:36 am
Fahsky, I’m so sorry that he did that to you and to your son. He is truly shitty. He’s a double dickwad—betrayed your trust AND the trust and love of an innocent 2-year-old who still thinks his dad is the greatest and doesn’t understand why his dad and his babysitter (whom he probably adored) are gone. That’s such a cold and awful thing to do to a child. I’m glad your son has one loving, responsible, and caring parent to take care of him. He’ll learn how to treat other people with respect and how to be a responsible person. His dad is not the role model for that lesson.
(((Hugs)))
January 25, 2012 at 10:41 am
This information makes my brain hurt, and I’m grinding my teeth right now and now my jaw aches too.
Your ex is an ass of the major kind, there are just no words except what Whizbang already said: you are now officially lucky he is out of your life. Anyone who could do that is not worth EVER knowing. And from the view of the babysitter: don’t people realize that, if he did that to you, she’s next??????
Anyhoo, I hope you sue his balls off for child support. It will never be enough, but at least it’ll keep your son fed
January 25, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Holy shit, I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Everyone else has already said it better than I can, but I just want to reiterate that your son is so lucky to have a mom like you, seriously. And even though this must be the most awful thing ever, it’s clear to me from the way you write/act that you’re going to get through this and come out stronger.
January 25, 2012 at 9:42 pm
Thank you a lot for the comments, fellow FJLs. I’m holding shit down for the moment – I dropped one of my classes, expecting a $700 refund in financial aid for it in a week. I’ve applied for food stamps & a job training program, & filed for child support. I have no idea where they’ve run off to together, so I’m not holding my breath on that. I feel completely shell shocked, because I never saw a single hint that anything in our relationship was wrong. Our son is hurting, he asks ‘where’s dad’ all the time, & I keep telling him he’s ‘visiting uncle on the mainland’. Yeah, I have no idea this can last with a pretty clever two year old.
Thanks again guys, for your completely true words.
January 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm
for $5, Sam will rip your ex a new arsehole in a charming accent!
January 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm
I’m going to make that my voicemail message. Then call myself when I’m trying to ignore people and jam out to this awesome fuckery! <3
January 25, 2012 at 1:34 am
Soooo getting him to do one for me for the boyfriend as his V-Day card. Pretty sure that will get him to wife me. I think I just woke up my neighbor with my hysterics. Thanks April! Made my crappy night instantly wonderful.
January 25, 2012 at 8:38 am
I’ve long known the word “husband” as a verb, but never “wife.” Love it!
January 25, 2012 at 2:19 am
That damn precious picture made the damned tears run down my legs! I neeeeeeeeed that on a t shirt, a bag, ANYTHING!
January 25, 2012 at 8:08 am
I think there are a few sites where you can convert Youtube videos to mp3′s. Because it really would make a badass ringtone.
January 25, 2012 at 10:31 am
Before I even begin to read any of the above comments…
HOLY CRAP! THIS WAS ONLY FIVE BUCKS????????
That was WAY more work than $5 should cover!
Now I’m going to go scroll back to the top and start reading…
January 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm
I think it was worth $10!
January 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm
OOPS. I’m in love again!
Oh, Fiverr. How are there so many amazing, talented, funny people willing to do awesome shit for us fat, jealous losers for only $5?!?
January 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm
This really cheered me up. I just had a really horrible phone call and have been weepy for the past hour (ok, so maybe coming up on shark week isn’t helping). Thanks for always giving me exactly what I need.
Namaste, bitches
January 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm
I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day – hang in there!
January 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Wow, this is so great. If we could have this rap with Dror and Spandy dancing to it, a giant goatse black hole might open up and swallow us all.
January 25, 2012 at 8:09 pm
This is amazing. I only wish I had something or someone cool to have him rap about.
January 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm
As someone who USED to be 200+lbs overweight and a overly sensitive, I can’t tell you how much your sarcasm has made me a better person. WWHKD?