Douche Ex Machina
This post first appeared on Regretsy on February 9, 2011
“This is NOT Summer’s Eve!” Like there’s some great disadvantage to buying FDA approved sanitary products made in hygienic conditions. That is so corporate, man. Down with Big Pussy!
I’m sorry, there is no way I’m buying a bag of parsley and cat hair douche from a stranger on the internet. Jesus Christ, I wouldn’t even buy food on Etsy, much less hillbilly bajingo wash.
January 14, 2012 at 4:02 pm
Reroductive system? Ruh-roh Raggy!
January 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Dude, simul-post!
January 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm
I read “reroductive” in Scooby-Doo’s voice.
January 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Ooooh! I always wanted my snatch to smell like an artist colony head shop.
January 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Just add patchouli.
January 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm
not gonna lie… as a gay man I always assumed that they already smelled like that…
January 14, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Nah, that’s just the sporty lesbians. Patchouli and potlucks, along with whatever the hell they put on softball gloves.
(it’s a joke I swear don’t hurt me)
January 15, 2012 at 5:43 pm
lezzie luncheons are certainly a thing to write home to mummy for. and by mummy I mean Elaine, the short butch-y chick you met last night and moved in with 27 minutes later…
January 14, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Good thing not, patchouli makes me sneeze.
January 15, 2012 at 5:43 pm
as girlie pieces and bits do me, AliceBlue…
January 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm
No way in fuck am I putting peppermint tea in my cooter. That would burn like a bitch.
January 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm
Trying not to think about what peppermint would feel like jettisoned into your coochie bits. Ever had mint shampoo suds land on that area? Burns and freezes at the same time! And that’s on the OUTSIDE.
January 14, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Hell, I can’t even use peppermint toothpaste or dental floss or eat candy canes. After reading that, my crotch is going to be clenched for the rest of the evening.
January 14, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Fuck peppermint…what the fuck is MUGWORT & why would I put it up there? It sounds like something I need an HPV shot to rid myself of!
January 14, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Mugwort is an herb with an unfortunate name. As is anything with “wort” in it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemisia_vulgaris
January 16, 2012 at 9:04 am
According to Wikipedia, Mugword is also known as Old Uncle Henry, making it one of the most horrifying choices of additive to snatch wash.
January 14, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Here is a bit about it “In the Middle Ages, mugwort…was used to repel insects, especially moths…. Mugwort has also been used…to protect travelers against evil spirits & wild animals.”
Imagine! Protection against both moth holes in your bajingo and wolves — multipurpose!!
January 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Oh thank god, finally a solution for my cooter-moth problem!
January 14, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Protection against evil spirits? Sounds like Monica Lewinsky and Schwarzenegger’s maid both could’ve used this douche instead of the douches they ended up with!
January 15, 2012 at 1:59 am
It also apparently smells nearly identical to pot when it’s burned. When I was in college the administration decided that the annual smokeout (where protestors handed out free joints in the cafeteria) wouldn’t be tolerated, so they smoked mugwort instead, and still got arrested.
January 15, 2012 at 5:36 am
Oh well hang on a second… I’m in the middle of a divorce. Mine hasn’t been used in so damned long that if I opened up there might be moths flying around all up in there!!
Overshare?
January 14, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Potpourri belongs in a sachet, not your cooch.
January 14, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Snatch-eh, close enough?
January 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm
It sweetens you up huh? Here honey I’m gonna shoot a bunch of crap in my bajingo. Taste me when I’m done and tell me if I’m sweet.
January 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm
At least honey actually has beneficial properties… This cooch tea can’t say that.
January 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm
they say not to let food products (including honey) get….. ahem…in you… so this would be potentially deadly
January 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm
The risk of sugary foods in that area is yeast infection (because you’d be feeding it). Unlikely to be deadly but you’d be pretty miserable.
January 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm
I wonder if it comes with the turkey baster, or if you have to provide your own?
January 15, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Is that how the bard came up with the line. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little…um va…, um, baji…um.. let’s go with hand.”
January 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm
This, for me, is classic Regretsy. Good times…
January 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm
This should be named “Crotch Compost”….
EW!
January 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm
I know you like to think your vag don’t stink but lean a li’l bit closer see, roses really smell like crotch compost.
January 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm
I’m hearing “My Sweet Vag” to the tune of “My Sweet Lord”.
January 14, 2012 at 8:59 pm
Here I was going to suggest a (ba)jingle-writing game just for fun. But I see you’re already ahead of me.
January 14, 2012 at 4:09 pm
It’s Herbal! It’s All-Natural! It’s Cooch-pourri!
January 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Mmm, a tasty tea for all your vag yeast to snack on.
January 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Now women can tea bag too!
January 14, 2012 at 4:39 pm
That’s one way to make combucha.
January 14, 2012 at 4:13 pm
I’m actually even more disturbed by the same seller’s homemade “colon cleanse” pills: http://www.etsy.com/listing/63083220/flush-out-colon-cleanse-capsules-rid-the?ref=v1_other_1
Don’t worry if you shit your pants – that’s how you know they’re working!
January 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm
That’s the biggest load of crap I ever heard.
January 14, 2012 at 11:39 pm
Don’t poo-poo the idea until you’ve tried it.
January 15, 2012 at 2:03 am
It’s just like a FJL to dump all over this person’s products.
January 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Wow, that’s super creeptastic!
January 14, 2012 at 4:32 pm
I would want to google everything to make sure none is toxic, but I think in certain quantities some of those are…er….
January 14, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Wow it’s a miracle cure, they say it’s beneficial for constipation, detoxification, liver and lymphatic cleansing, improves digestion, gallbladder and kidney function, aids in fat metabolism, cleanses the digestive tract of stored debris, helps to lower your cholesterol, Clears infection, helps the body slough off dead tissue, stimulates the formation of new tissue cells, cools heat and reduces inflammation in the body, heals irritated digestive tissues, can be beneficial to arthritis, bursitis, and constipation, improves the elimination of metabolic wastes through the liver, lymph, large intestines, lungs, kidneys and skin, moves stagnation, promotes bowel cleansing and bile flow, inhibits the growth of E. coli and staph, beneficial to anal fissures, arthritis, cirrhosis, colitis, flatulence, gallstones, gout, hemorrhoids, indigestion, jaundice and worms….and a bunch of other stuff I won’t bother copy/pasting PLUS it can prevent colon cancer!
January 14, 2012 at 8:25 pm
*None of these claims have been reviewed by the FDA, this is a nutritional supplement only*
January 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm
That is such horseshit (possibly literally) to tie douching with “natural”. It is everything BUT natural and leave it to some Etsy vag hipster to attempt to sell us women otherwise.
Lysol-Scented Vaginas: The Strange History of Douching
http://www.alternet.org/sex/143075/lysol-scented_vaginas%3A_the_strange_history_of_douching/?page=3
January 14, 2012 at 4:19 pm
I’ve always heard that douching is not good for you, it upsets the natural balance of helpful bacteria in your bajingo.
My bajingo doctor had always advised me not to partake.
January 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm
That’s right ladies, use lysol or you will be so utterly repulsive down there that your husband will lose all sexual interest in you and it’ll be your fault when he sleeps with his secretary.
January 14, 2012 at 8:03 pm
I love the unnecessary quotation marks.
January 15, 2012 at 4:59 pm
That brooch looks like it’s modeled after the royal orders that are given by the British monarch to female members of the family. There’s never a formal announcement, you just see them wearing it one day and you know.
Which means the inscription on the back probably says, “thou art less than fresh.”
January 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Awww… this was the first post I ever made an image for…
Has it been a year already?
January 14, 2012 at 4:33 pm
And it is fondly remembered as my first Regretsy experience. The anniversary of losing my Regretsy virginity.
January 14, 2012 at 6:05 pm
That is gorgeous. The vagina flower really sels it!
January 14, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Fuck! “SELLS” I mean…
January 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Thank you! I’m especially proud of the herbal bajingo.
January 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Fauxtanical?
January 14, 2012 at 8:09 pm
No, it’s a real bajingo. I modeled it *mostly* after the cake (that HK just so happened to have featured right before this one)…
Plus, something about that flowery bajingo reminds me of the ground floor patio I once had, above which was a lady’s balcony with a birdfeeder. By the middle of summer I had a full-blooming sunflower growing on my patio, all thanks to some messy-eating birds. I figured if a bunch of sloppy sparrows can seed a sunflower, this HBW will probably produce some sort of “cross-pollination”.
January 14, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I’m such a dork, but it makes me so happy to get all those thumbs up a year later!
January 14, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Nobody does the artistic lady flower better than Georgia O’Keefe.
January 14, 2012 at 4:17 pm
In the south…we call this Poonshine.
January 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Poonshine Sonata.
January 14, 2012 at 5:42 pm
Poonshine, cooch hooch, a snatch batch, a dick ‘er liquor.
January 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm
“herbalists agrees” oh gee you dont say? The sellers and makers of this junk say its a good thing? Oh my XD
January 14, 2012 at 9:01 pm
Actually I notice it says “herbalist”, singular. Way easier to get just one to agree with herself.
January 15, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Nine out of ten herbalists think it’s a bad idea. That tenth one, though…
January 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm
This was my birthday post one year ago… maybe this time it will be a thoughtful gift to my mother as a reminder that the place from whence I came should be douched with the dried remnants of some new-ager’s dirty bong and vacuum cleanings.
January 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Potpourri? In my vagina?
It’s more likely than you think.
January 14, 2012 at 4:42 pm
No, wait. I’ve got a better one.
Yeast infection? In my vagina?
It’s more likely than you think.
January 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Snatchouli?
January 14, 2012 at 8:02 pm
Wow, who knew? Coffee hurts when it’s laughed out of your nose.
January 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I can’t think of any way of preparing that, that’s not going to leave residue in the water, even after removing the tea ball or tea bag or whatever.
There is no way in FUCK I’m squirting any sort of anything with residue into my vagina. I can’t imagine how that could even remotely be healthy.
January 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I just use a soft washrag and warm water. Man, have I been missing out!
January 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Mug warts….
January 14, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Have you ever had that . . . not-so-potpourri feeling?
January 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm
*slowlys hand by* This is not the douche you’re looking for.
January 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm
As a medical (semi)professional working in Kentucky, I find it necessary to point out that hillbillies don’t wash their bajingos.
January 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm
or any other part of themselves, for that matter.
January 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm
I believe “hillbilly bajingo wash” was the phrase that made me fall in love with Regretsy.
January 14, 2012 at 5:28 pm
I second that emotion. I’d been having a shitty day right up until then, but merely repeating the phrase “hillbilly bajingo wash” yanked me right out of my depression and left me with a silly grin, which I contiue to wear to this day every time I think of HBW.
January 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Having lived outside of the US for many years, I can say that Americans are obsessed with douches and enemas, anything to stick in any orifice going.
You do not see these items sold in Europe or maybe they are all behind the counter who knows, and I’m not smelling bad cootchie all day long either. (Can anyone outside USA back me up here!)
My aunt worked for a long time in the big CVS Pharmacy chain in New England, said there number 1 best sellers were always Fleet enemas. Must be right up there with cleaning behind the ears!
What is wrong with people, they are obsessed with shoving it in them and obsessed with shoving it out of them!!!!!!
January 14, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Ever heard of a bidet?
I can say that I’ve never, and will never douche. Especially none of this potpourri crap! I wouldn’t mind getting some potpourri, put it in a jar and stick Easily_Distracted’s lovely label on it to decorate my bathroom (and freak out my guests)!
MethinksI believe those are pretty popular outside of the US.January 14, 2012 at 10:23 pm
Ever heard of a bidet? Those seem to be pretty popular outside of the US.
I would never douche but I would love to buy some potpourri, put it in a jar, make Easily_Distracted’s lovely image into a label, and stick it in my bathroom to freak out my guests!
January 15, 2012 at 5:23 am
I believe bidets are more for washing yourself externally, as an alternative to toilet paper.
I don’t think bidets produce enough water pressure to douche your cooch.
January 14, 2012 at 10:40 pm
Oh you’re so right about New England and the enemas. We give the elderly oral medications to keep them moving when they start to get constipated. Where I am now in (unspecified New England state that you can drive across in less than an hour) they just go right to the pooper-douche.
Arrgh.
January 15, 2012 at 11:32 am
Marianne Faithful had a few great lines in her autobiography about Mick coming back from the states and suggesting she use a strawberry douche: which she is pretty scathing about (she says something about how American groupies might go for that nonsense, but she wouldn’t). In England, we don’t generally go in for that sort of thing. Girls over here are taught to leave their “self-cleaning oven” alone! You can buy special “feminine wash”, or wipes: but those are for strictly external use, and I have never seen a douche for sale. Or for that matter an enema. I imagine you can ask in the chemists, but generally, no. Then again, we also don’t have adverts for prescription medications at all, and if there’re something “up” with your vagoo you don’t have to wonder if a trip to the doctor is worth the cost, or if just picking up something to sluice it out will be more cost-effective, you just go to your evil socialist free doctor, clinic, or walk-in centre and have it checked out.
January 15, 2012 at 5:35 pm
Try going to France some time. I was watching kiddie-hour television in my hotel and every second advert was for ‘la lavage de bajingo appalachienne’.
January 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm
How convenient! I can buy my feminine hygiene products off of etsy!! My area can be sweetened up with handmade products that probably aren’t very sanitary and will leave me with a raging case of vaginitis. YAY!!
After a year this stuff is still for sale. It has stood the test of time. I think that this would be a great gift for that special gal in your life.
Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Vaaaaaagggggg… I can get over them using the word Vagina in the name of the product. More products should use Vagina in their names because it would make mentally immature individuals like myself giggle. “Where do you keep the ‘I can’t believe it’s not Vagina’, I can’t find it anywhere.” VAAAAGINA!!
January 14, 2012 at 5:04 pm
can’t get over them using the word. Duh. I got all excited…over that word.
January 14, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Say it loud and there’s music playing.
Say it soft and it’s almost like praying.
Vagina.
January 14, 2012 at 9:04 pm
My husband (who in his younger day played Tony in a community theater production) is now singing that.
THANK YOU.
January 15, 2012 at 10:07 pm
How do you solve a problem like Vagina?
There, I fixed it. 25 hours too late.
January 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm
“Vagina! Ask for it by name!”
January 15, 2012 at 10:09 am
Just wait til we get our Vagina on you.
January 15, 2012 at 12:05 pm
The best part of waking up is vagina in your cup.
Vagina. Good til the last drop!
January 15, 2012 at 4:35 pm
I hear “I can’t belive it’s not Vagina” what Fleshlight are going with for their rebranding.
January 16, 2012 at 7:32 am
Nothing could be finah
Than to be in my vagina
In the morning!
It’s better when you drag out that morning, obviously.
Moooh ohh oohhhrrrrninnnnnnggggggggg!
January 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm
This brings a whole new light to the phrase “coffee, tea or me?”
Bwah- I think I’ll stick to drinking tea the old fashioned way with my mouth rather than trying to shove it up my cooter. I have a rudimentary understanding of the digestive system and I’m pretty sure that the best way to get the “balance and rejuvenating” attributes of said tea is to take it orally as I don’t think a vaginal stomach pathways exist. But I’m not an herbalist what do I know?
January 15, 2012 at 12:10 am
I read your post all wrong: “I think I’ll stick to washing the old fashioned way with my mouth …..”
January 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm
MSVD: The cooch hooch that’ll make your snootch smell like a pooch.™
January 14, 2012 at 5:41 pm
The previous bajingo cake not moist enough for you? Try this!
January 14, 2012 at 6:48 pm
CAKE OR DEATH?
January 16, 2012 at 7:17 pm
In this case, death please.
January 14, 2012 at 5:50 pm
This is awesome. I wonder if there are any penis-maintenance products I can buy form random strangers on the intertron. Because when you want healing and sanitary salves for your genitalia, the first place you should turn is the internet. Why ask a medical professional or a pharmacy for soothing creams and ointments when you can buy them from treatmyballz4422? Thanks, Etsy.
January 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm
Clearly you haven’t visited FreshBalls!
January 15, 2012 at 6:06 pm
what… the… flying… enraged monkey… acid induced… traumatic fuck did I just watch?
January 15, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Marketing at its finest!
January 16, 2012 at 5:01 am
yeah… I nearly bought some… gah!
January 14, 2012 at 5:50 pm
He “Can I smell your vagina?”
She “Absolutely not!!”
He “Then what’s that smell?”
January 14, 2012 at 6:05 pm
I’m wondering who their product testers are….and just what did they bribe them with ?
January 14, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Ever wonder what it feels like to be a Thanksgiving turkey? Well stuff thees herbs up your bajingo and sit in a tin bath.
January 14, 2012 at 9:28 pm
To do it properly they need to have some saline too. Everyone knows the best turkey is a brined turkey.
January 14, 2012 at 6:13 pm
I wanted the FDA to look into this but they said “Forget it. This ain’t no punanny state!”
January 14, 2012 at 6:19 pm
“Hillbilly bajingo wash” is the new “Snake oil”
January 14, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Aww, this was the day the phrase “hillbilly bajingo wash” came into my life. *sparkle tear*
January 14, 2012 at 7:53 pm
I need 5 of these for when I teach Medea to my High School English classes. One for each PERIOD.
(sorry)
January 14, 2012 at 7:56 pm
I suppose it would be fine if you REALLY wanted your cat to play with your pussy. But then you could just rub your Nethers with Catnip for a lot less.
January 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm
The cake is not a lie, it’s a lay!
January 14, 2012 at 9:07 pm
Really I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t trust any product coming from a company called Sacred Vibes Apothecary. Could they cram any more hippie woo non-science into their
vaginaname?January 14, 2012 at 9:23 pm
So now it’s ok to use a vagicide? Or only if it’s organic….?
January 14, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Well….I always wondered what types of people would actually believe they won the Kenyan lottery.
Now I know.
The same people who INGEST or INSERT items they bought online into their own body.
Perhaps on the bright side, it’s Darwinism at work. Yeah..I think I’ll go with that.
January 14, 2012 at 10:00 pm
Hooray for the “Hillbilly Bajingo Wash” posting! This was the gateway for me into the fabulous world of Regretsy, and now my neighbor hates me as I stay up way too late at night, snorting and chortling in bed, reading all the awesomeness here! Hm, I’m still spelling pretty good, better drink more wine!
January 14, 2012 at 10:53 pm
Call me an old fuddy-duddy, square, luddite, Nixon-lover, or past my prime, but I still don’t like tinkering with that yummy vagina-y taste.
January 15, 2012 at 12:50 am
Any competent doctor will tell you douching is actually unhealthy (hey girls, our inside bits actually are self-cleasing) Doing it can encourage bacterial infection. But I’m sure a GP would be okay with random herbal bits with no sterlisation. Whoohoo!
January 15, 2012 at 5:20 am
Long-time lurker, first time poster.
As a nurse working in a women’s sexual health clinic, I concur that potpourri is definitely not recommended for shoving up in your baby factory. Indeed, my mantra at work has recently become “Warm water only and never inside”.
A rule we should all try to live by I’m sure.
January 15, 2012 at 4:22 pm
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January 15, 2012 at 9:50 pm
Only if you’re dating one of the Harris brothers.
January 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm
that was supposed to attach to 47 (dances with lasagna)
January 21, 2012 at 7:07 am
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April 17, 2013 at 8:35 pm
Yeah not in this lifetime…how about never! LOL