I can die now, having seen this photo. I thought I was the only person to call up progressive and yell at them for 20 straight minutes about their big-headed condescending spokesperson (gender really is in question) who represents the VERY age group of moronic suckerpusses who fill up their tanks with stupidity and smash into everything they see.
not functional? aw goddammit. i was looking forward to having this handy magnet on the fridge for those special days when the UPS guy comes by unexpectedly.
Well, gosh! In the past two days I’ve seen a condom dress and a condom googly eyed pin/magnet! Here I could have been using my contraceptive to make money instead of prevent babies!
OMG! If I save my birth control pill holders for like the 20 years, maybe I can make someone a TOTALLY GORGEOUS DRESS! (extra points if the pills are still in the holder?)
Hey now, don’t laugh! I made a small fortune at a craft fair back in the 80′s selling condom earrings and necklaces for $6 a pop! They were functional though, only the outsides of the packages were painted and decorated (hey, it was the 80′s, black paint and swirly neon colors were in lol)
I got a condom earring out of a bathroom vending machine in the mid-90s. Instead of square, the ring was smushed a little so it made a rectangle (more fashionable/less obvious, I guess.) The pack was a glittery metallic black with extra foil at the top so a French hook could poke through it without harming the condom nor the sterility. On the back, it was use-by stamped and everything, just wearable. I was in eighth grade and thought it was awesome, even if I never did get to use it before it expired. Still one of the strangest 75 cents I’ve ever spent.
Just when I was thinking that she should use some colored condoms, I disovered The Grinch. I’d wear this, and I can promise that his heart is the only organ that will be growing smaller.
You didn’t go for the obvious Grinch stops things from arriving in Whoville concept.
Something like, “Looks like the Whos that live in the Fallopian Tube won’t be getting presents,” where presents equals jizz.
Actually, pulling one of see little gals out of your purse may count as effective birth control. Send him running then other way pretty quick, I’d say.
I can’t remember the last time I watched SNL, but sometimes my friends forward me links…
I mean, sometimes you just DON’T know where you stand with an impending penis…
And instead of grandma placing up a leftover roll in a napkin to place in her purse, she can avoid all those pesky crumbs and stick it in a condom. VOILA! Instant doggie bag! And in a pin!
I’ve decided that I’m going to buy one of each of these and for perpetuity give them to my best friend every gift giving occasion. To build her condom cuties collection. That shit is going to appreciate. Just like those Beanie Babies. And the commemorative coins.
Condoms are for decorative purposes only. Fine. Then I want a whole line of decorative prophylactics. Where are the DiaphramDivas? The FoamFillies? The SpongeSassies? IUDelites?
A few years back I was having some variety of female surgery (nice start, eh?), and while I was in the OR everyone else in there was having a good ol’ time, telling stories and jokes and such, while I was just chilling, staring at the lights and listening to everyone talk.
Then about 10 minutes in, my surgeon exclaims “What the heck is this!?” and I start cracking up. At that point everyone freaks and the anaesthesiologist comes over to scold me for not being asleep and pumps up the drugs (I didn’t know I was supposed to be asleep. *shrugs*). They don’t say another peep until I pass out.
I prefer to just imagine there must have been something staring back out.
Ah yeah, I work at a hospital now, and I cannot believe the things I’ve heard people say. It’s sad. The place I used to work has an amazing crew, who usually just pump up the oldies and yap at all the patients making their way through. I cannot believe how much just being over-the-top chatty and friendly has made so many people less anxious. Nothing like hearing a tone-deaf old surgeon belching out the oldies to make you feel a little more at home! (At least that’s my picture of home :/ ).
I do think it is tough to control. I imagine that surgery, like firefighting or law enforcement or a number of other professions, lead one to the use of humor as a defense or because the job has gotten so mundane (Drs who can eat during an autopsy). I know that it doesn’t mean people don’t care but, to live, scared people it can seem horrible, particularly if you are so drugged that you can’t speak back. (Awake, I’ve joked and been pretty plain spoken and with SOME Drs, but don’t think I’d like it if I was unable to draw the line).
I had minor surgery when I was 12 and wondered why, when I woke up in the recovery room, I was crying. There was nothing scary about the whole thing. Years later I read about how patients can hear what’s being said while they’re still under. I thought that perhaps there were comments made about my weight. Of course I’ll never know, but it make sense.
When I was 15 my nose got crushed while wrestling with my brother. When I was 20 I finally decided to get it fixed. They knocked me out, but at some point I heard what I thought was the “hammer on chisel” background from Devo’s “Working in a Coal Mine.” I realized what I was really hearing was my doc “sculpting” my nose when I heard him ask the gas-passer “Why are his fucking eyes coming open?” The last sound I heard was “oops” and I drifted back into a very deep and dreamless sleep within seconds.
The surgery itself was actually painless but the recovery, which included pulling a pair of nasal tampons out after they’d been stuck up my nose for 10 days was quite the opposite.
After getting needles in my eyes last month, I’m convinced that anesthesiology is a guessing game. For the first surgery they had to hit me 3 times with whatever they were giving me before I was actually anesthetized.
The second time, they read the notes from the first time and they dosed me properly.
BTW, you have to be awake for that, too. So at least they give you a big shot of Fuckitall beforehand.
Well, I had my 4 and a half (yes, one tooth was conjoined and I keep it as a trophy) wisdom teeth removed, the surgery went by in what feels like 30 seconds, but it was more like an hour or so because that mutant tooth was hard to get out and had to be cut in half, but anyways, the only thing I heard from them was that I was dehydrated from not drinking fluids after midnight like I was instructed to do so, so they gave me another IV which contained electrolytes and stuff to hydrate me then I had the other IV with the sedative. So I had two bandages where the IVs were when I woke up and I knew why without them telling me.
When I came out of surgery though, I was shaking violently and uncontrollably until I got home. The surgery itself never really hurt and I was well-medicated so I was never in any real pain.
I remember waking up in the middle of my surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed. Luckily I made a noise and they put me back under.
Then when I came to, I amused my friend (who was there to drive me home) when I kept tapping at my own front teeth and asking her “What are these? What’s this weird plastic in my mouth?”
I can’t recommend waking up while being intubated. It kinda feels like having a telephone pole shoved down your throat.
Also, if you can get them to anesthetize you as soon as they discover you’re in cardiac arrest, that’s nice, too. They seem to assume everyone is unconscious when their heart stops. They’re not.
I have a high metabolism. Had to be completely awake for jaw surgery and subsequent removal of a wisdom tooth that was in the way. (Too dangerous to keep me under for very long for a minor procedure given the amount it takes.)
So yeah, even minor surgeries are always fun. One thing you don’t want to have to EVER see/hear is your surgeon look you in the eye and say “I need you to hold VERY still because I’m about to shatter the tooth so we can remove it from the jawbone.”
@Halfnot5
Yeah, I wish they’d skip some of the descriptions. When I had a root canal the DDS used the term “pulpectomy.” SHUDDER. Do it, fine, no problem (this guy WAS good) but that word just made my stomach queasy.
The descriptions don’t bother me so much as the fact that it might sometimes be nicer to be asleep for this stuff.
The surgeon was fantastic, really. So if any of you are an oral surgeon who had to do last minute Christmas jaw surgery on a completely awake patient using an X-ray e-mailed to you and displayed on a laptop in your operatory some years back, thank you. I know it was weird working on a mobile target.
My mom has some foot surgery and mentioned afterward she could repeat something that they had said during the procedure, much to their great surprise.
Why do medical people get annoyed at YOU for not doing or telling them whatever or when your body is doing things you can’t control(put me on an IV pump for 24 hours & I’m taking numerous trips to the bathroom; it’s not spite on my part). I know nursing/patient care are really hard jobs, but most of us patients aren’t knowledgeable about what’s going on and aren’t too thrilled about what we do understand. (you want to put WHAT, WHERE?)
I really hate that too, Alice. During my C-section (while they were sewing me up) the anesthesiologist scolded me for not going to sleep because he gave me meds that should have knocked me out. I’ve had a neurologist yell at me during a procedure because the needle wouldn’t go in to my spine the way she wanted. Umm I can help that how??? And every surgery I’ve ever had (4 major and a dozen or so minor) the nurses get mad at me when I’m in recovery because my eyes are open and I can hear them, but I can’t talk. Apparently that’s just how I react to coming out of anesthesia, and I’ve even told them that before hand. Still get yelled at like I’m intentionally being difficult.
It’s REALLY hard to put me under. One time, after 15 minutes I sat up, seized the orderly’s hand and pumped it in a vigorous handshake and thanked him for being the best doctor I’d ever had. All were amused.
That said, they didn’t believe me beforehand when I told them just how hard it is to keep me down using a twilight.
I’m the reverse. When having my wisdom teeth out I couldn’t open my eyes but COULD feel that my left arm was TIED down. Now I’m sure it was to keep me from moving the arm with the anesthetic needle. However, thenI freaked & the nurse?? & I did arm tug of war until she slapped my arm & hen the drugs kicked in again. Why not tell me in advance what they were going to do? Also, after I was “recovering?” too fast & kept being told to stay down (no one had told me how long I’d have to stay). On the opposite side, 4 years later my little (6’4″) bro had his teeth done & didn’t wake up fast enough (his is a guy who takes baby aspirin bec. adult knocks him out) & they claim that he “took a swing at a nurse.” He can’t recall it well, just remembers someone saying his name over & over and, while still 1/2 asleep, trying to push them away. So we were both “bad” patients even though we weren’t in control due to drugs they gave us!
My God. I can’t tell you how many times I am getting dressed and I say to myself…”If only I had a googly eyed condom pin to go with these shoes.”
My prayers have been answered.
I was going to buy this, because I’ve always wanted to be the person who gets to ACTUALLY BUY something that’s featured on Regretsy… but I can’t bring myself to spend the $5 on this. It’s just too sad and shitty.
You won’t regret it – I bought the felted bacon and never looked back! Of course, you’re now one step closer to just saying fuck it and setting up a Regretsy curio cabinet that none of your real life friends will ever think is cool. . . you best get used to the stink-eye boy-o.
I wonder if how many times this gal makes a trip to the clinic for free condoms. Cos if you’re actually going to put condom-creatures on etsy, you’re probably not paying for them. Also, what could the thought process have been behind product development here? I dare not even think of the midnight musings that gave rise to this calamity. Eww.
this reminds me of when i did an angsty assemblage in the 90s, about my lack of fertility. it was titled “Biological Clock” … i took my BC pill case, the round kind, drilled through and made a real clock out of it on a wooden box, glued condoms in their wrappers on the corners, spray painted it all black, then added little pearly-white squiggly sperm dancing towards the center with dimensional paint. i wish i still had that ugly sucker, it might have sold on Etsy!
p.s. – EEPS at all the surgery stories! O.O glad i’ve only had one. i had an emergency cesarean with my daughter, after the babe was out and they were fixing me up, i started throwing up uncontrollably, someone kept trying to choke me with a vacuum attachment and someone else was yelling “we can’t sew you up until you stop that!” like duhhhhhh.
January 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm
You know, I would be more inclined to buy it if they were functional condoms. Imagine THAT face staring at you.
January 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm
The pin hole in the condom is a deal-killer
January 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm
‘That face’… like a deterrent?
January 9, 2012 at 9:40 pm
I imagined this face actually:
January 9, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Me too! Like HKpril often says…sometimes this shit just writes itself!
January 10, 2012 at 3:06 pm
That image makes me SO incredibly happy! Also, kinda skeeved out.
January 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm
I want a combination adult novelty and costume jewelry that looks like…
(points at Marlo Thomas)
THAT girl!
January 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm
Does this seller work the night shift at the Quick-E-Mart or something??
January 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm
It says “nonfunctional” – not used.
Blech!
January 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Exactly – so they have an abundant supply of condoms to craft with.
Poor lonely crafter.
January 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm
Costco is a beautiful, dangerous place.
January 9, 2012 at 10:06 pm
Why Costco? They’re free from the Family Planning clinic.
January 10, 2012 at 4:31 am
The ones from COSTCO are fresher and taste better.
January 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm
Imagine if you do use it – your gyno looks in and googly eyes look back!! Awesome, can hear the screams now.
January 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Oh those would certainly be some hilarious screams. And worth the $5 + cost of appointment.
January 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm
ROFLMAO! Ok that’s it, now someone HAS to do this! Any volunteers?
January 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm
This is equal parts insane, adorable, and awesome.
January 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm
This is what happens when you try to explain sex and “bad touching” to a five year old during craft time, isn’t it?
January 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm
That, or it’s what happens when you try to explain conflict in the Middle East while high on paint thinner and Clamato™.
January 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm
not functional? aw goddammit. i was looking forward to having this handy magnet on the fridge for those special days when the UPS guy comes by unexpectedly.
January 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm
I think that was a movie on Skinemax the other night
January 9, 2012 at 8:32 pm
I say someone convo her to see if she could swap out the pin for hot glue. Not only would it be functional but also with an enhanced texture!
January 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm
“Holiday parties?”
What, do you bake one into the Christmas pudding, and whoever gets that piece gets an early start on their New Years diet?
January 9, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Or put it in the Mardi Gras king cake instead of baby?
January 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm
I think you found a marketable idea there!
January 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm
Mmmmm, chewy.
January 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm
A tiny condom holder that you can clip onto your clothes would make a better statement.
“I support safer sex.” or “It’s OK to talk openly about birth control.” or “I paid $5 to advertise that I am always packing latex.”
January 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm
I am totally going to ask guys if they have condoms now by asking “You packin’ latex?” and looking meaningfully at their pants.
January 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm
I used to do that, until one guy pulled out a dildo and handed it to me. Most. Embarrassing. Parents-to-Be. Shower. EVER.
January 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm
There’s gotta be more to that story. Were you the parent to be? Where was he carrying it? What color was it? How big? The suspense!
January 9, 2012 at 8:34 pm
I was thinking that it said “ready when you are.” Even the name fits – Ready Betty.
January 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Well, gosh! In the past two days I’ve seen a condom dress and a condom googly eyed pin/magnet! Here I could have been using my contraceptive to make money instead of prevent babies!
January 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Why didn’t I think of this?? I would say it’s because this concept makes zero sense, but has that ever stopped me before?!
January 9, 2012 at 4:44 pm
OMG! I’m going to make something really adorable with all these little birth control pills I have!
January 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm
OMG! If I save my birth control pill holders for like the 20 years, maybe I can make someone a TOTALLY GORGEOUS DRESS! (extra points if the pills are still in the holder?)
January 9, 2012 at 5:07 pm
I thought “preventing babies” was synonymous with making money. Mine has been one huge money vortex since the day I found out she was on her way.
January 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm
They only get more expensive, too.
January 9, 2012 at 7:45 pm
yeah…. wait till you see what college tuition is 18 years from now.
January 10, 2012 at 9:25 am
College Schmollege – give ‘em a hot glue gun, an etsy account, and a paper bag spritzed with paint thinner, and let the magic/art/fuckery happen.
January 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Hey now, don’t laugh! I made a small fortune at a craft fair back in the 80′s selling condom earrings and necklaces for $6 a pop! They were functional though, only the outsides of the packages were painted and decorated (hey, it was the 80′s, black paint and swirly neon colors were in lol)
January 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm
This sounds kind of awesome.
January 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm
The phrase “$6 a pop” takes on a whole new meaning when you’re talking about condoms.
January 10, 2012 at 9:27 am
My lawyer says it’s actually worth about $60,000 a pop.
January 9, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Six dollars could buy an entire Levitra tablet!
According to the COSTCO website.
January 9, 2012 at 10:31 pm
I got a condom earring out of a bathroom vending machine in the mid-90s. Instead of square, the ring was smushed a little so it made a rectangle (more fashionable/less obvious, I guess.) The pack was a glittery metallic black with extra foil at the top so a French hook could poke through it without harming the condom nor the sterility. On the back, it was use-by stamped and everything, just wearable. I was in eighth grade and thought it was awesome, even if I never did get to use it before it expired. Still one of the strangest 75 cents I’ve ever spent.
January 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm
So this is what happens when condoms and sharp objects collide.
January 9, 2012 at 5:44 pm
I thought babies were what happened when condoms & sharp objects collided.
January 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Did anyone else read that the part that said these are “great for holiday parties for the whole family?”
“Mommy, this is a funny balloon”
January 10, 2012 at 8:05 am
I was actually expecting a disclaimer: “Choking Hazard.”
January 9, 2012 at 4:42 pm
“great for…holiday parties for the whole family!”
Here grandma, don’t forget your condom brooch!
January 9, 2012 at 8:47 pm
There’s currently an exhibit of pins worn by a famous female diplomat (one of the first) here in my city.
Would this add to or subtract from her diplomacy?
January 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Gives a whole new meaning to face fucking.
January 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm
http://www.etsy.com/listing/88348880/the-grinch
Just when I was thinking that she should use some colored condoms, I disovered The Grinch. I’d wear this, and I can promise that his heart is the only organ that will be growing smaller.
Thank you! I’m here all week.
January 9, 2012 at 5:34 pm
I actually kind of like the Grinch one.
January 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm
Oh yes I’d wear it. (Or should that be Oh yes..yES…YES!!)
January 10, 2012 at 9:29 am
I dunno – who wants a green penis?
January 10, 2012 at 10:23 pm
Kermit the Frog (or maybe Miss Piggy)?
January 9, 2012 at 7:31 pm
I love the grinch concept, but I think her glue ate away at the one she’s selling. If it weren’t for his… canker sores, I’d be tempted.
January 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm
Well, Ok, that MAY not be the one I’d get, but she needs to put up a better pic.
January 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm
You didn’t go for the obvious Grinch stops things from arriving in Whoville concept.
Something like, “Looks like the Whos that live in the Fallopian Tube won’t be getting presents,” where presents equals jizz.
January 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm
I like this in my “Let’s get America less ashamed of sexuality” sort of way.
January 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm
That’s the spirit!!
January 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm
Actually, pulling one of see little gals out of your purse may count as effective birth control. Send him running then other way pretty quick, I’d say.
January 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm
However, not going to help if you actually want to get laid, then you’re just left frustrated?
January 9, 2012 at 7:24 pm
This would work better if they were made from cat hair…..from your own cat.
“Oh hey! I have protection! It’s in a case made from Mr. Mittens cat hair. I loved that cat….I miss him so.”
January 9, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Patron saint of gluing shit to other shit working overtime.
January 9, 2012 at 5:16 pm
I can’t remember the last time I watched SNL, but sometimes my friends forward me links…
I mean, sometimes you just DON’T know where you stand with an impending penis…
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/googly-eyes-gardener/1119102
January 10, 2012 at 10:44 am
I clicked on the link and while the link was applicable, there were no penises in sight as I had been expecting. Sigh.
January 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Sadly, I am sans boyfriend at the moment, otherwise I would totally make that happen.
January 9, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Y’know, if the pink bow was replaced with a blue headband, it would look just like the Geico eyes had a love(hate)child with Flo from Progressive…
January 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm
And instead of grandma placing up a leftover roll in a napkin to place in her purse, she can avoid all those pesky crumbs and stick it in a condom. VOILA! Instant doggie bag! And in a pin!
January 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm
She kinda looks like Derpette.
January 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Well, it’s a *bit* too early to start shopping for next Christmas, but… OK!
January 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Because horrible condom-rictus grin SCREAMS “fun” and “colorful”.
Also “brown” and “clearance felt at Hobby Lobby.”
January 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm
I think this might be the closest some men ever get to having a brunette on their dick.
January 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm
I’ve decided that I’m going to buy one of each of these and for perpetuity give them to my best friend every gift giving occasion. To build her condom cuties collection. That shit is going to appreciate. Just like those Beanie Babies. And the commemorative coins.
January 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm
Condoms are for decorative purposes only. Fine. Then I want a whole line of decorative prophylactics. Where are the DiaphramDivas? The FoamFillies? The SpongeSassies? IUDelites?
January 9, 2012 at 6:10 pm
IUDeities!
January 10, 2012 at 7:25 am
IUDeities…when you want to cum in peace?
January 9, 2012 at 7:25 pm
Though not a prophylactic, Diva Cup (a menstrual cup) comes with a Diva Pin.
Yep.
January 9, 2012 at 7:26 pm
…a pin which I have always been too ashamed to do anything with, but too ashamed of that shame to throw it away.
January 10, 2012 at 8:15 am
Like a lapel pin?
January 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm
SpongeSassies were recalled.
January 9, 2012 at 6:02 pm
The inevitable hipster version.
Even with protection, he still looks like he’s crawling with contagion.
January 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm
It is difficult to believe there’s no octopus in the store.
January 10, 2012 at 9:34 am
Cthulhulactic?
January 9, 2012 at 6:24 pm
For a second there, when I saw the black hair, I envisioned an HK version with a flip flop on it’s head.
Now that’s one I would buy!
January 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Ok, ok, this reminds me of a story.
A few years back I was having some variety of female surgery (nice start, eh?), and while I was in the OR everyone else in there was having a good ol’ time, telling stories and jokes and such, while I was just chilling, staring at the lights and listening to everyone talk.
Then about 10 minutes in, my surgeon exclaims “What the heck is this!?” and I start cracking up. At that point everyone freaks and the anaesthesiologist comes over to scold me for not being asleep and pumps up the drugs (I didn’t know I was supposed to be asleep. *shrugs*). They don’t say another peep until I pass out.
I prefer to just imagine there must have been something staring back out.
True story.
January 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm
Sounds like they (and you)were lucky. Having worked in operating theatres, what is said about patients is frequently in really poor taste.
January 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Ah yeah, I work at a hospital now, and I cannot believe the things I’ve heard people say. It’s sad.
The place I used to work has an amazing crew, who usually just pump up the oldies and yap at all the patients making their way through. I cannot believe how much just being over-the-top chatty and friendly has made so many people less anxious. Nothing like hearing a tone-deaf old surgeon belching out the oldies to make you feel a little more at home! (At least that’s my picture of home :/ ).
January 10, 2012 at 11:29 am
I do think it is tough to control. I imagine that surgery, like firefighting or law enforcement or a number of other professions, lead one to the use of humor as a defense or because the job has gotten so mundane (Drs who can eat during an autopsy). I know that it doesn’t mean people don’t care but, to live, scared people it can seem horrible, particularly if you are so drugged that you can’t speak back. (Awake, I’ve joked and been pretty plain spoken and with SOME Drs, but don’t think I’d like it if I was unable to draw the line).
January 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm
I had minor surgery when I was 12 and wondered why, when I woke up in the recovery room, I was crying. There was nothing scary about the whole thing. Years later I read about how patients can hear what’s being said while they’re still under. I thought that perhaps there were comments made about my weight. Of course I’ll never know, but it make sense.
January 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm
When I was 15 my nose got crushed while wrestling with my brother. When I was 20 I finally decided to get it fixed. They knocked me out, but at some point I heard what I thought was the “hammer on chisel” background from Devo’s “Working in a Coal Mine.” I realized what I was really hearing was my doc “sculpting” my nose when I heard him ask the gas-passer “Why are his fucking eyes coming open?” The last sound I heard was “oops” and I drifted back into a very deep and dreamless sleep within seconds.
The surgery itself was actually painless but the recovery, which included pulling a pair of nasal tampons out after they’d been stuck up my nose for 10 days was quite the opposite.
January 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm
I’ve had packed sinuses after a sinus surgery.
I thought the nurse was being silly when she offered to hold my hand when they came out.
Fuck.
January 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I think childbirth was easier than getting those plugs out.
January 9, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Probably a good life lesson:
If a nurse offers to hold your hand during a procedure: something bad is about to go down.
January 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm
After getting needles in my eyes last month, I’m convinced that anesthesiology is a guessing game. For the first surgery they had to hit me 3 times with whatever they were giving me before I was actually anesthetized.
The second time, they read the notes from the first time and they dosed me properly.
BTW, you have to be awake for that, too. So at least they give you a big shot of Fuckitall beforehand.
January 9, 2012 at 7:55 pm
Well, I had my 4 and a half (yes, one tooth was conjoined and I keep it as a trophy) wisdom teeth removed, the surgery went by in what feels like 30 seconds, but it was more like an hour or so because that mutant tooth was hard to get out and had to be cut in half, but anyways, the only thing I heard from them was that I was dehydrated from not drinking fluids after midnight like I was instructed to do so, so they gave me another IV which contained electrolytes and stuff to hydrate me then I had the other IV with the sedative. So I had two bandages where the IVs were when I woke up and I knew why without them telling me.
When I came out of surgery though, I was shaking violently and uncontrollably until I got home. The surgery itself never really hurt and I was well-medicated so I was never in any real pain.
January 9, 2012 at 9:38 pm
I remember waking up in the middle of my surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed. Luckily I made a noise and they put me back under.
Then when I came to, I amused my friend (who was there to drive me home) when I kept tapping at my own front teeth and asking her “What are these? What’s this weird plastic in my mouth?”
Ah, the joys of sedation.
January 9, 2012 at 10:17 pm
I can’t recommend waking up while being intubated. It kinda feels like having a telephone pole shoved down your throat.
Also, if you can get them to anesthetize you as soon as they discover you’re in cardiac arrest, that’s nice, too. They seem to assume everyone is unconscious when their heart stops. They’re not.
January 10, 2012 at 9:40 am
I have a high metabolism. Had to be completely awake for jaw surgery and subsequent removal of a wisdom tooth that was in the way. (Too dangerous to keep me under for very long for a minor procedure given the amount it takes.)
So yeah, even minor surgeries are always fun. One thing you don’t want to have to EVER see/hear is your surgeon look you in the eye and say “I need you to hold VERY still because I’m about to shatter the tooth so we can remove it from the jawbone.”
January 10, 2012 at 11:17 am
@Halfnot5
Yeah, I wish they’d skip some of the descriptions. When I had a root canal the DDS used the term “pulpectomy.” SHUDDER. Do it, fine, no problem (this guy WAS good) but that word just made my stomach queasy.
January 11, 2012 at 5:45 am
The descriptions don’t bother me so much as the fact that it might sometimes be nicer to be asleep for this stuff.
The surgeon was fantastic, really. So if any of you are an oral surgeon who had to do last minute Christmas jaw surgery on a completely awake patient using an X-ray e-mailed to you and displayed on a laptop in your operatory some years back, thank you. I know it was weird working on a mobile target.
And sorry about using up all your Novacaine.
January 9, 2012 at 8:44 pm
My mom has some foot surgery and mentioned afterward she could repeat something that they had said during the procedure, much to their great surprise.
Why do medical people get annoyed at YOU for not doing or telling them whatever or when your body is doing things you can’t control(put me on an IV pump for 24 hours & I’m taking numerous trips to the bathroom; it’s not spite on my part). I know nursing/patient care are really hard jobs, but most of us patients aren’t knowledgeable about what’s going on and aren’t too thrilled about what we do understand. (you want to put WHAT, WHERE?)
January 10, 2012 at 9:17 am
I really hate that too, Alice. During my C-section (while they were sewing me up) the anesthesiologist scolded me for not going to sleep because he gave me meds that should have knocked me out. I’ve had a neurologist yell at me during a procedure because the needle wouldn’t go in to my spine the way she wanted. Umm I can help that how??? And every surgery I’ve ever had (4 major and a dozen or so minor) the nurses get mad at me when I’m in recovery because my eyes are open and I can hear them, but I can’t talk. Apparently that’s just how I react to coming out of anesthesia, and I’ve even told them that before hand. Still get yelled at like I’m intentionally being difficult.
January 10, 2012 at 9:44 am
It’s REALLY hard to put me under. One time, after 15 minutes I sat up, seized the orderly’s hand and pumped it in a vigorous handshake and thanked him for being the best doctor I’d ever had. All were amused.
That said, they didn’t believe me beforehand when I told them just how hard it is to keep me down using a twilight.
January 10, 2012 at 11:14 am
I’m the reverse. When having my wisdom teeth out I couldn’t open my eyes but COULD feel that my left arm was TIED down. Now I’m sure it was to keep me from moving the arm with the anesthetic needle. However, thenI freaked & the nurse?? & I did arm tug of war until she slapped my arm & hen the drugs kicked in again. Why not tell me in advance what they were going to do? Also, after I was “recovering?” too fast & kept being told to stay down (no one had told me how long I’d have to stay). On the opposite side, 4 years later my little (6’4″) bro had his teeth done & didn’t wake up fast enough (his is a guy who takes baby aspirin bec. adult knocks him out) & they claim that he “took a swing at a nurse.” He can’t recall it well, just remembers someone saying his name over & over and, while still 1/2 asleep, trying to push them away. So we were both “bad” patients even though we weren’t in control due to drugs they gave us!
January 11, 2012 at 5:47 am
Ouch. That sucks. I mean, you take one little swing at your doctor and suddenly you’re a “bad egg.” ; )
January 9, 2012 at 6:16 pm
Soooo…
Is this a portrait of the baby you COULD be having if you make your condom into an ugly-ass brooch/magnet?
January 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm
That’s going to look even worse when the condom dries out.
January 9, 2012 at 7:14 pm
o…m…g… this is going to be the perfect red-tent party favor to stuff in the piñata!
January 9, 2012 at 7:21 pm
Always thinking two moves ahead!
January 10, 2012 at 9:45 am
Genius.
January 9, 2012 at 7:27 pm
My God. I can’t tell you how many times I am getting dressed and I say to myself…”If only I had a googly eyed condom pin to go with these shoes.”
My prayers have been answered.
January 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm
I have to ask – just what do those shoes look like?
January 10, 2012 at 5:15 am
Why…they are Vagely Mishcha’s of course. Pretty sure they match my clam shell purse too.
January 10, 2012 at 10:32 pm
I felt inspired to design; where they something like these?
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January 10, 2012 at 10:33 pm
Crap, not sure what happened up there.
January 10, 2012 at 9:46 am
They’re rubbers, of course. (For people under 30; rubbers = rain boots)
January 10, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Couldn’t pass up the tingly rubbers.
January 10, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Oh shit! And this is without booze, sorry.
January 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm
I was going to buy this, because I’ve always wanted to be the person who gets to ACTUALLY BUY something that’s featured on Regretsy… but I can’t bring myself to spend the $5 on this. It’s just too sad and shitty.
January 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm
UPDATE: I caved in and bought one. If nothing else I can send it to my Valentine’s Swap victim.
January 9, 2012 at 8:55 pm
That would be the perfect thing to include in your present for that swap! Although, $5 for it…it’s just hard to justify.
January 9, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Free shipping, my friend. Free shipping.
January 9, 2012 at 10:20 pm
At $5, you can now leave your server a generous (reservoir) tip.
January 9, 2012 at 11:07 pm
You won’t regret it – I bought the felted bacon and never looked back! Of course, you’re now one step closer to just saying fuck it and setting up a Regretsy curio cabinet that none of your real life friends will ever think is cool. . . you best get used to the stink-eye boy-o.
January 10, 2012 at 9:47 am
You know, I got the cyote[sic] hat and I never sent April a pic. I’ll hafta do that.
January 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm
Well, what else are you going to do with expired condoms? Water balloons?
January 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm
I’m going to glue Googly Eyes and a felt Beehive hairdo to a diaphragm and wear that around.
January 9, 2012 at 8:20 pm
I call dibs on “Pad People”!
January 9, 2012 at 8:47 pm
I’ll do tampon “tin” soldiers; or maybe Nuva Ring-toss?
January 9, 2012 at 8:58 pm
All-weather yarmulkes.
January 9, 2012 at 9:41 pm
I’d make a joke about it being only suitable for a little head, but that would be tasteless even for me.
Not that this should stop me, I know…
January 9, 2012 at 9:40 pm
Yes, but can they DANCE? http://youtu.be/9uknDkAw-tU
January 11, 2012 at 11:41 pm
Bolly-WOOD!
Can’t believe there wasn’t a cameo by Aishwarya Rai though :/
January 9, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Betty, meet Sam
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UuF80YYzPA
January 9, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Is it strange that the thing that I’m most bothered by in that video is that the skin tone of the hands doesn’t match that of the… uh… head?
January 9, 2012 at 10:34 pm
Looks like a piranha with a wig
January 9, 2012 at 11:02 pm
deliciously insane safe sex statements. what’s not to love? (I’m serious! How is this not awesome?)
January 9, 2012 at 11:32 pm
I don’t get the title: Googly refers to the eyes, but what about fu? Is that slang for dick or something along those lines?
January 10, 2012 at 12:54 am
It’s a play on Google-fu (which comes from kung fu, obviously).
January 10, 2012 at 5:23 am
better things you can buy for $5 (although a condom pin wouldn’t be out of place on this site) – http://fiverr.com/
January 10, 2012 at 11:52 am
Alex, I will take “Things found by gynos in bajingos” for $100.
January 10, 2012 at 2:32 pm
There’s a garage sale table idea:
“Objects removed from the depths in teh Emergency Room”
Bonus points if they’re still warm.
January 10, 2012 at 3:18 pm
I can only imagine what a date with this chick would be like.
“So, what do you do for a living?”
“Oh, I glue crafting materials to condoms.”
January 12, 2012 at 10:33 am
I wonder if how many times this gal makes a trip to the clinic for free condoms. Cos if you’re actually going to put condom-creatures on etsy, you’re probably not paying for them. Also, what could the thought process have been behind product development here? I dare not even think of the midnight musings that gave rise to this calamity. Eww.
January 12, 2012 at 11:02 am
this reminds me of when i did an angsty assemblage in the 90s, about my lack of fertility. it was titled “Biological Clock” … i took my BC pill case, the round kind, drilled through and made a real clock out of it on a wooden box, glued condoms in their wrappers on the corners, spray painted it all black, then added little pearly-white squiggly sperm dancing towards the center with dimensional paint. i wish i still had that ugly sucker, it might have sold on Etsy!
p.s. – EEPS at all the surgery stories! O.O glad i’ve only had one. i had an emergency cesarean with my daughter, after the babe was out and they were fixing me up, i started throwing up uncontrollably, someone kept trying to choke me with a vacuum attachment and someone else was yelling “we can’t sew you up until you stop that!” like duhhhhhh.