Shalom, bitches!

Hanukkah starts tonight! What fun it will be, as you all sit around the candle and wish you could eat ham.

As a partially chosen person who grew up in a semi-Jewish household, I know all too well the joys of the Jewish holiday. Yes, it’s that wonderful time of year when everything is boiled, and adults try to convince children that an orange is a suitable gift.

But how many of you really know the story of Hanukkah? Not many, I bet, because what the hell do you care? You’ve got your prison wine and your Torchwood DVDs, the Jews can suck it.

Well, not this year, goyim.

Because I am an atheist raised by lapsed Orthodox Jews and Pentecosts, I am in a unique position to give you the downlow on the yontev. And in the interest of infusing this holiday with gebrenteh tsores, I’m going to share it with you now.

THE STORY OF HANUKKAH

The story of Hanukkah begins long, long ago. Around 1930.

There was a Pharaoh, and he was holding all of our people against our will for some reason or other. I don’t know, I think we owed him money. You know how we are. Anyway, we were all, “LET GO OF THE PEOPLE! LET GO OF THE PEOPLE!” And he was like, “I’m not letting you go until you pay your storage fees.”

Then someone distracted the Pharaoh by popping a paper bag, and we escaped into the desert. But the whole thing could not have come at a worse time because we were making bread. And since there was no time to let it rise, we wound up with this flat, flavorless cracker thing we call Matzoh, which is now eaten as a punishment.

Then there was a revolt against both the assimilation of the Hellenistic Jews and oppression by the Seleucid Greek government. So, that happened.

Oh, but check this out. Those dirty Greeks wasted all of the oil making falafel, so there was nothing to light the lamps with. Which was teh suck, obvs, because they had to light the temple for 8 days. Why 8 days? Um, because that’s how long Hanukkah is? PAY ATENTION

Anyhoo, the little oil they did have managed to keep the temple lit the whole time, and they still had enough leftover to make latkes! It’s like I always say, Az di bobe volt gehat beytsim volt zi geven mayn zeyde!

To commemorate the miracle of fried foods, we will once again be lighting the Regretsy Chanukiah every night for the next 8 nights at 6:00 PM PST. Click on our flickering holy gif for your gelt.

In the meantime, get your tashmesh on with the Maccabeats:

This audio track is an overly dramatic reading of THE CURSE OF THE VOWEL OWL; a story from Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland. It was originally available only as a reward on Kickstarter, but we’re making it available now on Regretsy.

I recorded this track with the amazing Rob Paulsen. We met many years ago on GOOF TROOP (he played my son, P.J.), and I have been crushing pretty hard ever since. He is one of the most versatile and well loved actors working in animation, and I am so lucky he allows me to waste his time on crap like this. He is not only talented, but incredibly kind and charitable, and does a lot of good for many organizations.

Proceeds from this track will be split between Regretsy’s Charity Fund and one of Rob’s favorite charities; The Wounded Warrior Project. This program offers emotional and physical rehabilitation to injured veterans, and helps equip them for new, successful careers.

Here’s a sneak peek:

When you purchase the track, a download code will be generated and emailed to you. If you have any difficulty downloading or playing the track, send an email to downloads@regretsy.com for support.

This post first appeared on Regretsy on January 12, 2011

If I wanted a picture of a black guy without a nose, I’d get a Michael Jackson poster.