From the Holiday Mailbag
Hi April -
My husband and I photoshopped this card for a friend and I thought maybe you’d like it also. I know you’ve got a thing for the Human Centipede.
I was thinking folks could just right click and use it for a last minute holiday card.
You don’t have to credit us. In fact it’s probably best that you don’t.
Hi April,
Merry Holidays. I wanted to show you a cake we just did for the husband of one of my employees.
Ann
Pinwheel Bakery
Hi April,
I made this to thank you for who you are and all you do. May you and Bronc have a wonderful Holiday and a Happy New Year!
March Hare
December 21, 2011 at 8:36 pm
AHAhAHAHAhaha! This day just keeps getting better and better!
December 21, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Ann’s employee is the hostess of a simpleton from the planet Ork.
Ork we going to cut this cake?
…it looks delicious.
December 21, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Happy Hanu-nanu-kkah?
December 21, 2011 at 8:36 pm
WELL SHIT, the human centipede card FAR surpasses my corny dollar store christmas cards. MY RELATIVES WILL BE PLEASED. [pleased=horrified]
December 21, 2011 at 8:53 pm
If you really want to horrify your family, wrap all of your presents in African-American Santa Claus paper. Trust me, it was worth the trip to Wal Mart.
December 21, 2011 at 11:21 pm
One Christmas, two relatives had, unbeknownst to each other, wrapped the gifts in the same bright blue-and-white paper, which was obvious when they came to the house and put the packages under the tree. I don’t recall the designs being specifically Hannukahy, but I knew that bright blue and white are the colors of the Israeli flag. I laughed and asked when we’d become Jewish. They were SO pissed that I’d said anything that I wondered if they’d each realized it and were embarrassed. Yes, embarrassed because I implied that one born-again Catholic and one for-show-only “Catholic” had embraced anything Jewish.
Shame we don’t exchange gifts (or words, for that matter) any more. I’d track down African American Santa paper…or Kwaanza paper, if it existed. Damn it! Why are all the bigots out of my life just when I find a way to have fun with them. No fair!!!
December 22, 2011 at 5:52 am
I went with Justin Bieber paper. For my 16 and 22 YO nephews. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
December 22, 2011 at 10:11 am
Oh I almost pissed myself when I saw the Justin Beiber paper, TOTALLY got it for my 13 yo son, my daughter thinks Im a total bitch, but Im glad to see Im not the only one!
December 22, 2011 at 3:56 pm
I went with the Beiber singing toothbrush for my 21 yo niece; can hardly wait for her horrified reaction and her brother’s guffaws on X-Mas morning.
December 22, 2011 at 6:06 am
That’s my sister’s favorite wrapping paper. She’s been using it for years, I swear she must have bought a case of it about 5 years ago or something.
I’m partial to wrapping things with old newspapers, specifically the obituaries.
December 24, 2011 at 6:00 am
Back in the early 1960s, my father got a good deal on two enormous rolls of Christmas wrapping paper. I mean enormous rolls, the kind used by department-store wrapping services. Fairly cheap paper, though. One white with red and green trees, the other white with gold designs.
Every single Christmas present from then on was wrapped in one of these papers. When my father died about 10 years ago, there was still lots left.
I’m STILL rather awed when someone gives me a gift that’s not wrapped in one of those papers.
December 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm
You’re a genius, how did you you know they were filthy bigots?
December 21, 2011 at 9:52 pm
The idea of pleased is a subjective one in my family, as well
December 21, 2011 at 8:39 pm
I hope my card makes the cut to be featured. If it does, and you would like one, there are still 15 or so left: http://goo.gl/E1t53
December 21, 2011 at 8:42 pm
I CANNOT WAIT to get mine!
December 21, 2011 at 9:06 pm
I believe it was in yesterday’s batch or possibly Mondays. Should be to you by tomorrow, if the replies I have gotten from people who have gotten theirs is any indication.
December 21, 2011 at 9:19 pm
I just emailed you. Am I too late? I love getting cards from total strangers!
December 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm
That would depend on the USPS. Check the map on the link to see if your town shows up tomorrow. My local USPS closes at 5, so any requests I receive before then will be addressed and mailed out.
December 22, 2011 at 12:24 am
OMG, YOUR NON-DENOMINATIONAL WINTER HOLIDAY CARD IS SOOO OFFENSIVE TO US SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE DWELLERS!
Dammit, it’s far too late for me to swap you a dollar store Santa Rocket card with random fuckery enclosed, for one of your sweet cards.
December 22, 2011 at 9:27 am
Me busy addressing Holiday Cards to anyone who requested one from Regretsy(yes, the fedora is required when using a typewriter. You must try it.):
December 22, 2011 at 1:10 pm
And to those wondering, the hooded sweatshirt was a gift from my Mom, so I didn’t have any choice in brand.
December 23, 2011 at 1:03 am
I have that quiet riter!!!! That’s awesome. Just awesome.
December 23, 2011 at 8:08 pm
I love your card and wanted to say, I’m sorry to see your pup Huck missing from 2011. I’m hoping it’s just that the cats rioted and took over.
December 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm
No, we lost him in September to an unknown disease.
December 21, 2011 at 8:40 pm
They are all so wonderful that I can’t even pick a favorite.
December 21, 2011 at 8:40 pm
The card is cute, the cake is gorgeous, and the wreath card is confusing… can someone explain?
December 21, 2011 at 8:54 pm
I don’t think we can explain it in a way you’ll get if you don’t know, but we can all feel sorry for you and the underprivileged life you’ve clearly led.
December 21, 2011 at 9:18 pm
One of the Star Trek movies was called “The Wrath of Khan”, and “Wrath” sounds like “Wreath”.
The person in the center of the wreath is the movie’s eponymous Khan.
Wreaths are a traditional decoration during Christmastime.
December 21, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Thorough, yet informative. Two points.
December 21, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Christmas is a holiday celebrated in December to note the supposed anniversary of the birth of Jesus, but was mostly invented by Christians to supplant pagans’ solstice celebrations so they’d be more likely to accept the Christian version of god.
I think we need more overly explanatory explanations in here.
December 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm
I agree with you on that. It seems that people do not explain enough anymore. They just jot down something quick and easy but apply no thought or wit or anything really. I, for one, love explanations! And, since I have been reading from such a young age, I have learned to read quickly and derive meaning from the words. All happy, all good…need as much information about everything as possible….
Happy Winter Solstice.
December 22, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Winter solstice! The east still celebrates it! Yesterday I ate tang yuan (dumplings, I should think) to celebrate. 8D
December 22, 2011 at 6:27 am
Many English speakers, and people who speak other languages as well, find it amusing to take a familiar phrase and substitute a soundalike word for the expected word. We call this a pun.
The unexpected, yet apt, substitution causes an initial reaction of surprise, then recognition, that sometimes results in the expulsion of air and sound from the person reading. We call this laughter.
December 21, 2011 at 8:41 pm
“The Wreath of Khan” card gets a 9.5. It would’ve scored a perfect 10, but I had to deduct a half-point for not including Ricardo Montalban’s incredible nipples.
December 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
I was just thinking, “Oh, this is my card next year. This is the one. I’m bookmarking this… but I’ll be sure to get the whole, manly chest in there.”
December 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm
And that vest with Corinthian Leather.
December 21, 2011 at 9:49 pm
That would be rich Corinthian Leather, my friend.
I loved those commercials so much!
December 21, 2011 at 8:49 pm
I want one to hang on my door! With the nipples, though…
December 21, 2011 at 9:50 pm
Whose nipples would you use to hang it?
December 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm
Mine aren’t in use at the moment, so feel free to borrow one for the holidays.
December 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
“I’ve done far worse than kill you, Admiral. I’ve wreathed you. And I wish to go on wreathing you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her; wreathed for all eternity in the center of a gaping anus… Buried alive! Buried alive…!”
December 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Have yourself a surreal little Christmas…….
December 21, 2011 at 8:44 pm
Original series…Next gen…DS9…Voyager…Enterprise…
Star Trek – The Millipede!
ps – Live long and eat my ass KHAAAHNNNNHNH!!!!!
December 21, 2011 at 8:45 pm
sweet fancy KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN
December 21, 2011 at 9:03 pm
http://khaaan.com/ i’ll just leave this here.
December 22, 2011 at 3:29 am
http://www.thelongkhan.com
December 21, 2011 at 8:49 pm
Why are there pine needles on the doorstep?!
…
KHAAAAAAAAAAN!
December 21, 2011 at 8:52 pm
The only way to Surak is through him.
December 21, 2011 at 9:05 pm
I read this post and I laughed so hard I scared my 10 lb dog! Thanks, April, I needed a good laugh.
December 21, 2011 at 9:09 pm
That comment was oddly specific.
December 21, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Don’t you mean specifically odd?
December 22, 2011 at 7:22 am
Well we wouldn’t want anyone getting confused and asking questions, would we?
December 21, 2011 at 9:13 pm
i worry about what happens when that first bulb burns out.
December 21, 2011 at 9:38 pm
You’re not worried about what’s already happening?
December 23, 2011 at 11:57 am
wait. now i’m worrying about why i wasn’t worried about that.
shit.
December 22, 2011 at 9:29 am
I would think the bulbs burning out would be an incredible relief. Even tiny ones have to burn after a while when applied to one’s innards in that fashion.
December 21, 2011 at 9:21 pm
Star Trek, a family favorite of ours. Great sound tracks. My Mom requested the theme song from Voyager to be played at her funeral, it is such an uplifting piece of music. I’m sure she heard it from Heaven when we did.
Off topic, I need to find someone in the NYC metro area who can wash and card raw wool. Someone donated 5 bags full (large garbage bags at that) to #OWS and they want me to help process it and I am lost to how to get it done.
December 21, 2011 at 11:23 pm
Probably a dumb question, but have you put out a request on Ravelry?
December 22, 2011 at 10:15 am
Your mom is awesome.
December 22, 2011 at 9:23 pm
I just found this http://teamcoco.com/video/human-centipede-menorah, wonderful.
December 21, 2011 at 9:34 pm
100% Medically Accurate Festive Lighting!
December 21, 2011 at 10:35 pm
They cast a soft shimmery glow from within…making their skins positively glow with
healthhappinesslight from within.December 21, 2011 at 9:50 pm
From Hell’s heart I stab at thee! Merry Christmas!!
December 21, 2011 at 9:52 pm
That’s all the more awesome with your avatar grinning at me.
December 21, 2011 at 9:55 pm
@Neen: This was meant to be a reply to your comment.
December 21, 2011 at 10:16 pm
Thanks!
December 21, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Just in time for Christmas! ORDER NOW!
December 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm
CAAAAAAAAAAMRYN!
December 21, 2011 at 10:06 pm
I loved her on Boston Legal.
December 22, 2011 at 7:07 am
Wait, I forget–did she transition over to Boston Legal from The Practice?
December 22, 2011 at 1:09 pm
They all kind of blend together. I know Dr. Daniel Jackson was on one of those shows.
December 21, 2011 at 10:12 pm
It came from here: http://luckymag.tumblr.com/post/14565636805/styleite-this-washingtonpoststyle-word
December 22, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Chaka Khaaaaaaannnn!!
December 21, 2011 at 10:16 pm
I’ve been so burned out by the holiday hoopla that I’ve been in grinch mode until I saw this post. You know how people leave Christmas lights up all year long? I’m going to have a year round poster of the human centipede. Thank you regretsians!!!!
December 21, 2011 at 11:30 pm
Oh goodness lol
December 22, 2011 at 6:45 am
The Khan wreath is epic. I so want one now. And the Spock tree topper so that I can complete my tree and ensure that my son will never have any friends.
December 22, 2011 at 8:33 am
I love the Human Centipede card!
Is it from the upcoming sequel? There were 3 people linked in the first one, so I’m hoping they go for more next time.
What, I can’t be the only person here who actually watched the movie, am I?
December 22, 2011 at 9:03 am
I’m sorry to say that you are not alone.
(A friend sent me a copied DVD of it through the post with no explanantion; on the disk was simply written “play me”.)
December 22, 2011 at 9:19 am
How very Alice in Wonderland of him/her.
December 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Friend? Or former friend?
December 22, 2011 at 2:18 pm
http://www.movieline.com/2011/12/conan-obrien-defiles-hanukkah-with-human-centipede-menorah.php
December 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Hi, Straight Guy Here.
Re: Centipede.
Cut, Copy, Save. Paste, paste, paste.
December 23, 2011 at 4:19 pm
someone clever with GIFs needs to animate the human centipede card and make the lights twinkle!
December 24, 2011 at 8:35 am