I’m sure they’d make dandy paperweights. If you tend to work in front of large open windows, on a high floor, and keep piles of papers on your desk instead of filing them. They’d be dandy for that.
Hell, “display purposes” used to be about the only legal justification for sale and possession of realistic-looking sex toys in Texas. That, and “educational purposes.”
My thought is that it’s one of those CYA legal disclaimers that they don’t actually intend people to follow. You know, like “water pipes” that are marketed “for tobacco use only.”
I would do it for when my mom came to visit. Just to give her a few moments outside of her comfort zone. It would also be entertaining to see what great lengths she’d go to ignore it.
I got my former mother in law to stop dropping by un-announced and letting herself in with the “in case of emergency” key by leaving a prominent display of sex toys on the shelf above the bed. So, for scaring-off an invasive and very permissive mother in law who wouldn’t be startled by a few common or garden vibes, maybe leaving a few Cyberman penises lying about would do the trick?
I swear, I just had this conversation an hour ago with my husband. We were thinking ways to keep the landlord at bay – she’s a total wingnut and pops in constantly (at least once a week), for no other reason than to be nosy and invasive and make our lives fucking miserable. I think I suggested a “mantle of buttplugs”, but this would do nicely. And I’ll display it on a velvet pillow, with a framed photo of her next to it. Last time she’ll come over to “just check on things”…
God, my husband and I are such amateurs. We were trying to find ways to stop his mother from doing the same thing when we first moved in together (she would open our bedroom door at 7am and then be shocked and horrified that we were asleep and that we were asleep in the same bed. But not shocked and horrified enough to stop doing it)
We went with a couple of ropes tied to the bed frame and some handcuffs on the night stand.
Not sure if it worked or if it was a coincedence, but she stopped dropping by unannounced and letting herself in after that.
Plus, we got fun ropes and handcuffs out of the deal!
It would look suitably threatening and really tie the room together if displayed in an S&M dungeon. I just realized my mind is kind of fucked up seeing as I am not being entirely sarcastic.
In the bible the women melted down gold statues to make “male idols for themselves… to pleasure themselves”. It’s an old idea, but at least the biblical ones weren’t “for display only”.
I’m too lazy and tired to look up the reference but I read it myself so I know it’s in there.
It was jewelry, not statues. Even better. We don’t want no stinking necklaces, lol.
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them”.
Ezekiel 16:17
Some versions do say “pleasured themselves” but you get the idea.
God was giving the women jewlery? For their birthday, or what? Was he apologizing for something? Painful chilbirth? Menstrual cramps? Men? It was men, wasnn’t it.
Yes. The lumpy, pockmarked metal dildo does nothing for me. I know we’re supposed to be all about the handmade and shit, but for my dildos I’d prefer something smooth and nonporous, made in a nice factory setting with some type of QA.
Or at least something I can run through the dishwasher without worrying about what’s hanging out in those tiny little dents.
I don’t know how to feel about the fact that I could identify that second sex toy without even trying. “Oh, it’s an NJoy Pure Wand.” I think I might spend too much time looking at sex toy websites.
Hygiene, or lack there of, was my concern, and also a possible reason for his “disclaimer” I weld and machine, and while often minor porosity can be considered cosmetic, it can never be considered hygienic. Also, you should consider the both the base & filler metals. Many contain lead and/or other heavy metals. Without material certs for both the base & filler metals, and a copy of the welder’s certs, and absolutely zero porosity, you shouldn’t consider letting these “enter” anywhere.
So this was my equivalent of the ranting posts about grammar & spelling from all the english majors. I’m done.
nummymuffincocobutter
December 18, 2011 at 9:42 am
I love how the description says “the craftmanship of each piece is exceptional” when they’re all weird and lumpy and uneven and have little bumps all over the metal. I mean, I don’t know anything about metalworking, but they look kinda crummy.
Also, that’s a pretty cruel way to bait people searching for actual sex toys. When I’m looking for sex toys, I want something to, you know, use as a sex toy.
For $300 you could get several feeldos and spray paint them as “displays.” So even if someone were crazy enough to want this as a display, it’s still not worth buying.
The part on top is to stick in a vagina, and then you can fuck someone else’s vagina with the rest of it. Or in this case, you can stick it in your vagina and then weep with shame at having spent $300 on an exhaust pipe.
These look like the pipe flangers used to build the Beatles Yellow Submarine.
They don’t look smoothly polished enough for bajingo service. But if you did use these, I’ll be glad to come over and check for injuries. It’s part of my service to the community.
When I was a dominatrix, my travel kit that I used alone was worth $300 (strap-ons, chains, whips, bondage tape, paddles etc). Anyone who buys that clearly is a transexual escort who earns waay too much.
I’m guessing travelling with that would be a pain nowadays. If you decided to take a working vacation somewhere you’d have to fly to the TSA would go nuts.
Think of the ER doctors and nurses—they’re always in search of new stories to tell the ones who never work in the ER. “Gerbil? That’s urban legend. Let ME tell you something real!”
This etsy seller needs to learn that just because something took him a long time and a lot of effort to do doesn’t mean other people will want to stick it on my mantle. Otherwise, the crap I took two days ago would be sitting there.
December 18, 2011 at 9:33 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
December 18, 2011 at 1:21 pm
That’s “No, mistress,” to you.
December 18, 2011 at 9:34 am
I am going to have nightmares about that ribbed one.
December 18, 2011 at 9:35 am
Who buys dildos for display purposes only?!?!
December 18, 2011 at 9:36 am
That was my thought. If you’re not supposed to use it in your body, what do you do with it? Use it as a centerpiece? Stir your coffee with it?
December 18, 2011 at 10:07 am
If I had a disposable income, I would buy these and use them to stir my coffee. It would be the perfect way to start my morning…
December 18, 2011 at 11:38 am
I’m sure they’d make dandy paperweights. If you tend to work in front of large open windows, on a high floor, and keep piles of papers on your desk instead of filing them. They’d be dandy for that.
December 18, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Back when TVs had a flat top that was great for setting things on, I was this >< close to buying a giant buttplug for that spot of honor.
December 18, 2011 at 4:02 pm
December 18, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Looks like something Sandra Lee came up with after too much Cocktail Time…
December 18, 2011 at 7:54 pm
If it was, I’d have Tivo’d that shit and burned it to watch every Christmas.
December 18, 2011 at 9:44 am
Agreed. $300 is way too much to spend on a sex toy minus sexy times.
December 18, 2011 at 12:16 pm
Yeah, if I’m gonna spend $300 on a dong, it better be one I can use. If I wanted a useless one, I’d have stayed with my ex.
December 18, 2011 at 9:48 am
Hell, “display purposes” used to be about the only legal justification for sale and possession of realistic-looking sex toys in Texas. That, and “educational purposes.”
December 18, 2011 at 10:14 am
If you can’t actually use it, I guess you could call it a dildont.
December 18, 2011 at 1:22 pm
Anyone who says they aren’t using their display unit is lying.
December 18, 2011 at 11:26 am
My thought is that it’s one of those CYA legal disclaimers that they don’t actually intend people to follow. You know, like “water pipes” that are marketed “for tobacco use only.”
December 18, 2011 at 11:31 am
Maybe as a host gift for the Playboy Mansion holiday party?
December 18, 2011 at 11:59 am
I would do it for when my mom came to visit. Just to give her a few moments outside of her comfort zone. It would also be entertaining to see what great lengths she’d go to ignore it.
December 18, 2011 at 12:22 pm
great, steel lengths?
December 18, 2011 at 12:38 pm
I got my former mother in law to stop dropping by un-announced and letting herself in with the “in case of emergency” key by leaving a prominent display of sex toys on the shelf above the bed. So, for scaring-off an invasive and very permissive mother in law who wouldn’t be startled by a few common or garden vibes, maybe leaving a few Cyberman penises lying about would do the trick?
December 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm
I swear, I just had this conversation an hour ago with my husband. We were thinking ways to keep the landlord at bay – she’s a total wingnut and pops in constantly (at least once a week), for no other reason than to be nosy and invasive and make our lives fucking miserable. I think I suggested a “mantle of buttplugs”, but this would do nicely. And I’ll display it on a velvet pillow, with a framed photo of her next to it. Last time she’ll come over to “just check on things”…
December 18, 2011 at 10:54 pm
God, my husband and I are such amateurs. We were trying to find ways to stop his mother from doing the same thing when we first moved in together (she would open our bedroom door at 7am and then be shocked and horrified that we were asleep and that we were asleep in the same bed. But not shocked and horrified enough to stop doing it)
We went with a couple of ropes tied to the bed frame and some handcuffs on the night stand.
Not sure if it worked or if it was a coincedence, but she stopped dropping by unannounced and letting herself in after that.
Plus, we got fun ropes and handcuffs out of the deal!
December 18, 2011 at 12:46 pm
It would look suitably threatening and really tie the room together if displayed in an S&M dungeon. I just realized my mind is kind of fucked up seeing as I am not being entirely sarcastic.
December 18, 2011 at 1:13 pm
If these are for display, they’re not very pretty, and they would scratch the hell out of your mantle or display case.
December 19, 2011 at 7:45 am
James Carville?
December 18, 2011 at 9:35 am
warm that thang up first, pretty please. brrrrr
December 18, 2011 at 9:36 am
Ooh! It’s on sale at the sex shoppe!
December 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm
If it’s frozen, don’t lick it, for fuck’s sake!
December 18, 2011 at 9:19 pm
Reminds me:
http://oglaf.com/snowqueen/
NSFW but wicked fucking funny.
December 18, 2011 at 9:37 am
It can’t be a sex toy if you’re not supposed to actually use it. I foresee a $300 accident just waiting to happen.
December 18, 2011 at 10:36 am
It’s a $300 doorstop that looks like the Silver Surfer’s dick.
December 18, 2011 at 7:07 pm
Oh, for a thousand thumbs.
December 18, 2011 at 9:37 am
In the bible the women melted down gold statues to make “male idols for themselves… to pleasure themselves”. It’s an old idea, but at least the biblical ones weren’t “for display only”.
I’m too lazy and tired to look up the reference but I read it myself so I know it’s in there.
December 18, 2011 at 9:49 am
It was jewelry, not statues. Even better. We don’t want no stinking necklaces, lol.
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them”.
Ezekiel 16:17
Some versions do say “pleasured themselves” but you get the idea.
December 18, 2011 at 12:20 pm
God was giving the women jewlery? For their birthday, or what? Was he apologizing for something? Painful chilbirth? Menstrual cramps? Men? It was men, wasnn’t it.
December 18, 2011 at 10:01 am
For that price it should be gold (and useable)
December 18, 2011 at 9:39 am
Sorry, this looks more aesthetically pleasing.
And this looks more hygienic.
December 18, 2011 at 9:46 am
I was so appalled by Mr. Bean looking like that that I missed the penis at first glance.
December 19, 2011 at 7:26 am
You mean Salman Rushdie
plus Rowan Atkinson
Equals Stanley Kubrick?
Wow! So that’s how genetics work!
December 19, 2011 at 7:49 am
I think Pavarotti and John Rhys-Davis might be in that mix somewhere as well.
December 18, 2011 at 10:51 am
A CLOCKWORK ORANGE YEAH BABY!
December 18, 2011 at 12:19 pm
I always wanted the penis sculptures from that movie!
December 18, 2011 at 12:44 pm
Yes. The lumpy, pockmarked metal dildo does nothing for me. I know we’re supposed to be all about the handmade and shit, but for my dildos I’d prefer something smooth and nonporous, made in a nice factory setting with some type of QA.
Or at least something I can run through the dishwasher without worrying about what’s hanging out in those tiny little dents.
December 19, 2011 at 4:14 am
At least those “tiney little dents” often have razor sharp edges.
December 19, 2011 at 4:15 am
So it could exfoliate INSIDE your orifice of choice.
You can use it multipurpose!
December 18, 2011 at 7:22 pm
I don’t know how to feel about the fact that I could identify that second sex toy without even trying. “Oh, it’s an NJoy Pure Wand.” I think I might spend too much time looking at sex toy websites.
December 19, 2011 at 4:12 am
Hygiene, or lack there of, was my concern, and also a possible reason for his “disclaimer” I weld and machine, and while often minor porosity can be considered cosmetic, it can never be considered hygienic. Also, you should consider the both the base & filler metals. Many contain lead and/or other heavy metals. Without material certs for both the base & filler metals, and a copy of the welder’s certs, and absolutely zero porosity, you shouldn’t consider letting these “enter” anywhere.
So this was my equivalent of the ranting posts about grammar & spelling from all the english majors. I’m done.
December 18, 2011 at 9:40 am
I love the implication that because it was difficult to do, it’s somehow valid once it’s done.
Just ’cause ya can, doesn’t mean ‘ya should. They should put that on etsy’s front page.
December 18, 2011 at 9:42 am
I love how the description says “the craftmanship of each piece is exceptional” when they’re all weird and lumpy and uneven and have little bumps all over the metal. I mean, I don’t know anything about metalworking, but they look kinda crummy.
Also, that’s a pretty cruel way to bait people searching for actual sex toys. When I’m looking for sex toys, I want something to, you know, use as a sex toy.
December 18, 2011 at 11:06 am
They meant exceptionally crappy
December 19, 2011 at 4:16 am
I know metal working, and trust me, knowing about it just makes them look worse.
December 18, 2011 at 9:45 am
I wonder what would happen if you had a magnetized clit piercing and tried to use one of these.
Hand me that brain bleach, please.
December 18, 2011 at 7:08 pm
ARGH ARGH ARGH
Thumbs up given when I can pry my hands loose from protecting my ladybits.
December 18, 2011 at 9:45 am
For $300 you could get several feeldos and spray paint them as “displays.” So even if someone were crazy enough to want this as a display, it’s still not worth buying.
December 19, 2011 at 12:07 am
It’s a Steel-Doe.
December 18, 2011 at 9:46 am
Scrap steel? Buyer better spring for the Tru-Cote.
December 18, 2011 at 9:48 am
Is this knowledge that “Injury may occur” from firsthand experience?
December 18, 2011 at 9:48 am
Somewhere along the line, the “for display only, do not use on body” note is going to become separated from the dildo. Then chaos will ensue.
December 18, 2011 at 9:52 am
You misspelled “hilarity”
December 18, 2011 at 9:49 am
For some reason now I can’t get the Anvil Chorus out of my head.
December 18, 2011 at 12:22 pm
“Anvilania, anvilani-aaaaa”?? OR “let the anvils ring!”
December 18, 2011 at 9:51 am
I took one look at and heard “I’ll be back”. These look like Terminator wangs…
December 18, 2011 at 10:08 am
The first one should really be called the “Bone-merang”
It looks like if you throw it, it comes back and fucks your face up xD
December 18, 2011 at 10:39 am
Bhahahahaha..whuhahaha..huhuhaha! I came out of lurk mode to show my appreciation for this comment.
December 18, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Okay, this really doesn’t help what I just said above about how maybe I know a little too much about sex toys, but it’s a clumsy replica of a feeldoe:
https://www.feeldoe.com/page6.html
The part on top is to stick in a vagina, and then you can fuck someone else’s vagina with the rest of it. Or in this case, you can stick it in your vagina and then weep with shame at having spent $300 on an exhaust pipe.
December 18, 2011 at 10:08 am
All I can think is how cold it would be
December 18, 2011 at 10:18 am
These look like the pipe flangers used to build the Beatles Yellow Submarine.
They don’t look smoothly polished enough for bajingo service. But if you did use these, I’ll be glad to come over and check for injuries. It’s part of my service to the community.
December 18, 2011 at 10:29 am
When I was a dominatrix, my travel kit that I used alone was worth $300 (strap-ons, chains, whips, bondage tape, paddles etc). Anyone who buys that clearly is a transexual escort who earns waay too much.
December 18, 2011 at 12:36 pm
I’m trying to make the correlation between ‘horrible metal dildos’ and ‘transexual escort’ and I really can’t.
December 18, 2011 at 12:52 pm
I’m guessing travelling with that would be a pain nowadays. If you decided to take a working vacation somewhere you’d have to fly to the TSA would go nuts.
December 18, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Really? Was this a long time ago?
When I priced nice whips they were almost $300 on their own.
December 18, 2011 at 10:32 am
Sex toys not for actual use? So what’s the point?
December 18, 2011 at 10:48 am
Actually, that first one has the same curve as…
You know what? Forget I said anything.
December 18, 2011 at 11:06 am
Oh, it’s just for decoration!
December 18, 2011 at 11:13 am
You want a metal sex toy you can actually use?
December 18, 2011 at 11:49 am
But it would be such a sexy injury. A sexy, sexy vaginal injury.
December 18, 2011 at 11:59 am
Think of the ER doctors and nurses—they’re always in search of new stories to tell the ones who never work in the ER. “Gerbil? That’s urban legend. Let ME tell you something real!”
December 18, 2011 at 12:04 pm
“Multiple contusions, lacerations all along the vaginal wall. Ma’am, were you…raped by a robot?”
December 18, 2011 at 12:20 pm
… and this residue.. is that WD-40?
December 18, 2011 at 1:18 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGSVYgcy24Q
December 19, 2011 at 6:03 am
“You accidentally sat down on a bottle of Coke? Whilst naked?”
Thus spake a friend of mine who is a doctor, after some guy came to him at the ER with a two-litre Coke bottle stuck up his arse…
December 18, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Just when David Cronenberg was running out of disturbing imagery…
December 18, 2011 at 12:41 pm
This reminds me: I should probably get that tetanus shot I’ve been putting off.
December 18, 2011 at 1:08 pm
I am glad that they explained in the headline that the items were “hand-welded.”
December 19, 2011 at 6:06 am
The seller probably knew they were not safe for use on the human body because they were also hand-wielded. Possibly even hard-wielded.
December 18, 2011 at 1:17 pm
Let’s compare. Spend $300 for ugly metal turds you can’t safely use and wouldn’t want to show off, or for the same price, you could get this beauty:
http://www.njoytoys.com/products/njoyeleven.php
This etsy seller needs to learn that just because something took him a long time and a lot of effort to do doesn’t mean other people will want to stick it on my mantle. Otherwise, the crap I took two days ago would be sitting there.
December 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm
December 18, 2011 at 9:03 pm
Things like this are exactly the reason I can no longer look at Regretsy during work. XP
December 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm
You need condoms to use it! Not only would this toy foster good habits, but it can simulate the itch after-burn of a real penis! Talk about authentic!
December 19, 2011 at 9:41 pm
“Each piece was created manually through the use of multiple miggs techniques.”
December 20, 2011 at 5:53 pm
What, 91 comments and no Iron Man joke?
December 21, 2011 at 9:06 pm
a perfect compliment to my balls of steel