Merry Shitmas
For many years now, I’ve celebrated this magical time of year by making my library of hideous holiday music available for anyone who can stand it.
I used to do this over at aprilwinchell.com, but I haven’t been able to update that site since I started working on Regretsy. Still, I can’t really let the holidays get underway without smearing this shit all over the internet for your already unpleasant family gatherings.
Feel free to make this your holiday playlist, if only to hasten the end of your get-togethers. Nothing gets a drunk out of your house at Christmas faster than this shit on a loop.
Rudolph (The Five Petals)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Donald Trump and Regis Philbin) My idea of HELL
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Woody the Woodchuck)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Sonovox)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (William Hung)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tiny Tim)
Bethlehem Rap (Unknown)
Blue Christmas (Porky Pig)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Jack Klugman)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Barbara Feldon)
Rocking Disco Santa (American Song Poem Archives)
If Bette Davis sang “Feliz Navidad” (Jimmy James) Web site here
R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas (from the album “Christmas in the Stars”. Lead vocals by Jon Bon Jovi)
Carol of the Bells (Laffy)
Bubble Tub (Carrie Lanza)
Chicken Dreidel (Unknown)
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (Chinese Children’s Choir)
I Was Santa Claus at the School House for the PTA (Yogi Yorgesson)
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas (Yogi Yorgesson)
Let it Snow (8 Bit) Made from sampled video game sound effects
An Orphan Christmas (Claire Lane)
12 Days of Christmas (Fay McKay)
Sleigh Ride (Dangerwoman)
Sleigh Ride (Jim Nabors)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Portsmouth Sinfonia)
Dominick the Christmas Donkey (Lou Monte)
Donde Esta Santa Claus (Charo)
Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight? (Doug Lewis)
Little Drummer Boy (Marlene Dietrich)
Little Drummer Boy (Surfer version)
Frosty the Snowman (Swedish)
Frosty the Snowman (The Brady Bunch)
Frosty the Snowman (Tuba version)
Hip Hop Frosty (Unknown)
Walking Talking Christmas Tree (Gene London)
Get Your Dreidel On (Pudie Tadow)
Merry Christmas (Gordon Thomas)
Auld Lang Syne (Jimi Hendrix)
Homo Christmas (Pansy Division)
Deck the Halls (William Hung)
A Holiday Reminder (William Hung)
Come All Ye Faithful (Inpatient Music Therapy Program)
A Reminder from the Post Office (Jack Webb)
Jingle Cats (Jingle Cats)
Jingle Chicken (Jingle Chicken)
Christmas Without Daddy (Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts)
Joy to the World (Wing)
Little Town of Bethlehem (Sally Kellerman butchers a Christmas Carol)
Hang Your Balls on My Christmas Tree (Kay Martin)
Night Before Christmas (Jay Leno)
The Christmas Dolly (Little Betty Ashley and J.W. Thompson)
Little Mary Christmas (Unknown)
Happy Birthday, Jesus (Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte)
Away in a Manger (Whistled by Fred Lowery)
Mele Kalikimaka (Davey Jones)
Merry Christmas, Neighbor (Cast of “Bonanza”)
Messiah (Unknown)
Debbie’s Last Christmas (Nancy La Plante)
Oh Holy Night (Unknown)
Santa 9-11 (Unknown) Merry Fucking Christmas
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (The Brady Bunch)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Wing)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (John Davidson)
Santa Face is Bringing Me a Budgie (Freddy Davis)
Santa Wants Lovin’ (Albert Collins)
Silent Night (Dickies)
Silent Night (Eilert Pilarm)
Come All Ye Faithful (Slim Spincter)
Stick ‘Em Up, Santa (Unknown)
A Christmas moment (Sally Struthers)
Jingle Bells (Tammy Faye)
Jingle Bells (Wing)
Tastee Christmas (Unknown) Make sure the cat is outside
Christmas Cookies and Holiday Hearts (The Caroleer Singers)
Three Letters for Christmas (Walter Brennan)
The Christmas Party (Yogi Yorgesson)
Three Kings Rap (Unknown)
All Are Waiting for Christmas (Tommy Christy)
Two Front Teeth (Unknown) Outstanding entry in the “Adult-Singing-As-Lisping-Child” category
Yingle Bells (Yogi Yorgesson)
Here Comes Santa Claus in Black (Voicedude)
Jingle Bell Hustle (Wayne Newton)
Good King Wenceslas (Woody the Woodchuck)
What’s It To Ya Chorus (Bob Rivers)
Christmas Blowjob (Unknown)
AND FOR THE JEWS…
I realize that I’m only half Jewish, but that doesn’t mean I’m not busy trying to control the media. In fact, it’s an even bigger job for someone like me, seeing as my mother is Italian. I hardly have time to wax my mustache, much less run the New York Times.
And so it was when I first created my Seasonal Favorites mp3 category, and inadvertantly neglected to tip my yarmulke to Hannukah. It’s incumbent upon me to provide some extra special Jew music for every little Binyamin and Gabby to enjoy, as they light the candles and secretly wish they were gentile because Santa is just so much more kick ass than praying for 8 days.
So I’ve added a few cuts from the Klezmer Nutcracker; a stunning blend of traditional Ashkenazi dance music, and the fevered Christmas dream of everyone’s favorite Russian closet case. An arranged match made in heaven!
And while not specifically holiday related, I’ve added a surfer version of Shalom Alechem by Meshugga Beach Party to the OyTunes section. Just to keep it all light and lively at the dinner table.
As we used to say in my house, “Yes, Yoninah, there is a Sanson Claus!”
And then we’d pass the ham.
Sugar Plum Fairy: Klezmer Nutrcracker (Shirim)
Trepak: Klezmer Nutrcracker (Shirim)
Shalom Alechem (Meshugga Beach Party)
Afikomen Mambo (Rabbi Joe Black)
Crazy Jew Rap (Eric Schwartz)
Far From the Home I Love (The Barry Sisters) This is just so wrong
Hava Nagila (Johnny Puleo and his Harmonica Gang)
How Much is that Pickle in the Window? (Mickey Katz)
Knish Doctor (Mickey Katz) Trivia: Mickey Katz is Joel Grey’s father
Kosher Disco (Benny Bell)
Matzoh Ball Soup (Slim Gaillard)
Pincus the Peddler (Benny Bell)
Satisfaction (Sam Chalpin) From My Father, The Pop Singer
Stayin’ Inside (2 Live Jews)
The Muppets Theme (Hebrew)
Matzoh Number 5 (Lou Bagel)
November 30, 2011 at 11:03 am
What are you doing to me?
November 30, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Oh, crap! I can already hear “Dominick the Donkey” in my head… FUCK!!! It took me almost a year to forget it last time!
November 30, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Chingity-ching, hee haw hee haw!
November 30, 2011 at 11:06 am
I believe this masterpiece belongs in the list.
November 30, 2011 at 11:41 am
Not quite a musical piece, but I’d like to think this performance belongs on this list, but I am just a fat ugly jealous chucklebunny of a loser after all, so what do I fucking know? http://bit.ly/rKRtav
November 30, 2011 at 11:07 am
Bless you, April! Thanks to you, my listeners will officially abandon my radio show after December.
Except for the crazy guy who calls in the middle of the night. I bet he’ll love this shit.
November 30, 2011 at 11:08 am
They already have to deal this this shit every year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus
Poor, poor listeners.
November 30, 2011 at 1:54 pm
I cringed at the music but damn, that looked like one fun Christmas party.
November 30, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Does late-night guy request that you play “Misty”?
November 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm
oh Mugsy – not cool. I had a stalker when I did late-night radio, and found out that its REALLY common for women on the air to have to deal with. It sucks beyond belief.
November 30, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Sorry. I couldn’t resist, but I wasn’t thinking about the reality. I hope you never had a run-in with him when you were alone. I’m not surprised you had a stalker when you did late-night radio. I’ve heard of day-time female radio hosts who’ve had stalkers.
Again, I’m sorry for the thoughtless joke.
December 1, 2011 at 5:40 am
That was a good apology, Mugsy. I love it when someone can hear that someone else was offended without getting defensive, but instead actually empathize and try to understand their position. Mostly people are like “I’m sorry you got all bent out of shape for no reason.”
December 1, 2011 at 6:17 am
I would expect no less than class and style from Mugsy. (you’re one of my favorite Regretsians) Thanks for understanding, and its one of the reasons why I left terrestrial radio and went to Internet.
No more being left alone in the studio for hours on end in huge buildings with lax security.
December 1, 2011 at 12:24 pm
@Skwishy: Thanks for the kind words. I’ve been on the receiving end of such “apologies” and they can be more hurtful than the original comment. A friend once told me I had no reason to be upset because what he said wasn’t meant to hurt me. I stood my ground and after about 4 days (and, I think, a talking-to by his wife), he finally apologized for hurting me, but again, he didn’t mean it!
@Somebidder: Thank you for the very high compliment (and making me blush a little). I can not imagine what it must have been like to work nights, alone, knowing someone could be lurking. You ran your own board, with no engineer there? Great cost-cutting move on the station’s part (that and the lax security; considering how many security people call talk shows or get on chat lines while they’re “working” really disgusts me. I know, it’s not necessarily the most engrossing job, but one cannot be on guard and chatting up someone at the same time.
December 1, 2011 at 6:44 pm
I have not yet had a stalker. (Keeping my fingers crossed.)
Luckily, I’ve been moved from the 2-4am slot to the 10-midnight slot. (on the air tonight, actually!)
We have a prison in our county that listens to the station, and often late night DJs, especially gals, get fan letters from cons. I’m actually a little offended some times that the cons don’t like me enough to call in/write in. I should be grateful, but I’m a little warped.
November 30, 2011 at 11:08 am
Is this supposed to be bad Christmas music? Because I don’t see Insane Clown Posse’s “Santa Claus is a Fat B1tch”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4RQyzypiKQ
November 30, 2011 at 11:09 am
Also, someone once played for me something called “Diary of a depressed Elf” or something, which focused on the elves being depressed and asking for better condition and I believe Santa Clause kills them. PLEASE tell me someone else has heard this and it isn’t all in my head.
November 30, 2011 at 12:31 pm
I haven’t heard that one… But it reminds me of Weird Al’s “The Night Santa Went Crazy”.
November 30, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Elf’s Lament by the Barenaked Ladies.
November 30, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Thank you, good sir, for sharing this horridly entertaining song.
November 30, 2011 at 7:38 pm
YESSS I’m so glad you put this on here THISISMYFAVORITECHRISTMASSONG! I was so excited I couldn’t even use the spacebar for a minute.
November 30, 2011 at 11:08 am
If I hear fucking Manheim Steamroller, I go batshit.
November 30, 2011 at 11:09 am
When I was a kid, I thought that was the coolest shit ever. As an adult, it makes me want to smash things.
November 30, 2011 at 11:09 am
This is Christmas gold!
November 30, 2011 at 11:09 am
This needs to be made into a mega torrent file. I will be playing them all on repeat til boxing day.
November 30, 2011 at 11:11 am
Thank you for doing all the heavy lifting when it comes to picking out the corn kernels of gold from the Christmas music septic tank.
November 30, 2011 at 11:11 am
I have had the shittiest of days (even got hit by a car while walking into a craft store) and this made me giggle snort.
November 30, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Holy shit! You ok? Fucking crazy ass drivers…and of course they multiply and lose any IQ points they might have around this time of year.
December 2, 2011 at 6:27 am
I’m okayish… no medical attention needed, but a big fucking bruise on my left side and I was late setting up for entrance into the BFA program, WHICH I OWNED. I had to do a sculpture and just thought WWRD? Which of course means what would regretsy do?
Honestly, the worst part is the my iPhone got water damaged and I can’t even call my mom or bother HK on twitter about chipmunk biscotti, which is what I normally do when I’ve had a shitty day.
November 30, 2011 at 11:11 am
Oh my Lord of the Rings. My childhood nickname was Charo. You just reminded me why I hate it so much. I hate you HK. But then again I’m just a fat ugly loser so that shouldn’t surprise you.
November 30, 2011 at 8:24 pm
LOL I’m listening to that one for the 2nd time, I love eet so mucho! It’s not bad considering it’s straight out of a lounge act in Vegas.
…outta de weendo I am peepeeng…
November 30, 2011 at 11:12 am
Fantastic. I also remember a rocky version of ‘Oi Santa Claus, you cu*t, where’s my fu**ing bike? I opened all the other presents, there’s nothing there I like!” as played in the Hollybush pub in Oxfordshire…
November 30, 2011 at 2:05 pm
That needs to be on every radio station after every fifth repetition of “O Holy Night”.
November 30, 2011 at 2:55 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA6BYMbF6G8
I heard this once when I was younger and thought I’d imagined it lol
November 30, 2011 at 11:12 am
I was ecstatic to see my favorite version of O Holy Night on the list. My friends and I have actually been on a campaign to spread it around facebook as much as possible.
November 30, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Speaking of Facebook…yesterday I read of a challenge: To get to Christmas Day without hearing “Little Drummer Boy.” If you DO hear it, then you need to go to the page and post the time and place.
https://www.facebook.com/LittleDrummerBoyChallenge
If you go to the page, you’ll see that some people have already fallen—one poor schmuck got blindsided in Home Depot. That’s awful on several levels.
I see the April has included at least 2 versions (there may be more, but it’s not as if the entire list is alphabetized for our convenience; no, I’m not bitter). I won’t be clicking on THOSE links before Christmas. What’s sad is that I kind of like that song. Except for the Bing Crosby/David Bowie version. That’s so wrong.
November 30, 2011 at 9:34 pm
I lost that game over a month ago at the Golden Corral. Good place for fat jealous losers to eat, but they start their Christmas music waaay too early.
November 30, 2011 at 9:41 pm
I just arranged Little Drummer Boy for a beginning string orchestra couple days ago. Now I have to listen to the beginners play it every class period until the concert. Good times….
November 30, 2011 at 11:13 am
I understand this is supposed to be the truly bad of the crap that’s played this time of year, but I really want to punch the shit out of every radio DJ who thinks Dean Martin’s cover of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer must be played once an hour for the next 30 days. Seriously, Dean Martin must have been trippin’ on April’s pot stash when he recorded that shit. C’mon, he breaks into pigeon German halfway through the recording.
November 30, 2011 at 4:07 pm
I’m with you. Always loved Dino and his other Christmas/winter songs are great, but not that one.
Mildly apropos, the Rat Pack Christmas album is fun, except for all the times they ignore Sammy, which is always. Except there’s one time I think Dino picks him up and tries to make a tree topper out of him. Poor schmuck.
November 30, 2011 at 11:13 am
I’m one of those sick little monkeys that actually enjoy your collection of hideous holiday music.
November 30, 2011 at 7:41 pm
Don’t worry, I’ll call the exorcist for you.
November 30, 2011 at 11:14 am
You should add anything from the Lohan Holiday album, if you can find it. It was Ali’s masterpiece back from when she was 12 and just looked haggard, instead of old, haggard and vaguely French like she does now.
November 30, 2011 at 2:57 pm
2 xmas’s ago my sister put that Ali Lohan musical abortion in my stocking. It still sits unopened on my shelf..I just can’t bring myself to open it..even for shits and giggles..it’s too cruel..
November 30, 2011 at 11:14 am
I haven’t listened to it yet, but an 8 bit Christmas song made up of actual game sound effects sounds awesome!
November 30, 2011 at 11:17 am
IT IS AWESOME! And obnoxious! At the same time!
November 30, 2011 at 1:17 pm
My son just bookmarked it
November 30, 2011 at 2:34 pm
I love it. I want to record it onto the Christmas cards going to my annoying family members.
November 30, 2011 at 11:14 am
You’re the one controlling the media?
That explains a lot.
November 30, 2011 at 11:17 am
Pansy Division FTW!
November 30, 2011 at 12:56 pm
If you are at work, turn up the speakers on your computer right now and blast Homo Christmas from Pansy Division. You are sure to get a promotion and/or a marriage proposal.
November 30, 2011 at 12:58 pm
…or possibly fired. Either way, MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS!
November 30, 2011 at 11:19 am
There are words to describe how much I’m enjoying this “music,” but I’m too drunk to find them.
The drunkenness may explain why I’m enjoying this, as well.
November 30, 2011 at 11:20 am
Where is this on your Jewish list?! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSJCSR4MuhU Except…well, it IS kind of awesome.
November 30, 2011 at 11:27 am
William Hung singing anything is like listening to nails on a chalkboard, accompanied with the sound of my cat harking up a hairball.
November 30, 2011 at 11:28 am
We must not forget I’m A Christmas Tree by Dr. Demento and Santa And His Old Lady by Cheech & Chong.
November 30, 2011 at 11:29 am
For years now, you have helped me drive the Hairy Simian Choraleers and their Little Bummer Boy off of my stereo at home. That’s why I’m not allowed to program the stereo at my In-Laws’ house any more.
November 30, 2011 at 11:30 am
The surfer version of Shalom Alechem is awesome. Then again, everything sounds good played surfer style.
November 30, 2011 at 11:40 am
And of course now I’ve got it as an earworm, and since I don’t actually know the lyrics, it goes like this in my head:
And he said Shalom Alechem!
Shalom Alechem!
Shalom Alechem!
All the doo-dah day! Oy!
November 30, 2011 at 11:30 am
April, if we weren’t both straight and in love with other people, I’d want to marry you. This just made my Christmas.
November 30, 2011 at 11:31 am
My OH makes me listen to The Vandals Oi To The World album every christmas, it makes me giggle snort every time!
November 30, 2011 at 11:33 am
Don’t forget this piece of awesome created by the Fat Jealous Loser Collective:
On the 12th day of xmas Regretsy gave to me -
Twelve Sad Hipsters dancing
Eleven Yoni pendants
Ten Penis Aprons
Nine lactards raving
Eight menstrual paintings
Seven skants a-swaying
Six tentacles waving
FIVE GOATSE RINGS!!!!
Four be-ribboned clothespins
Three pounds of butthurt
Two Yoda pasties
and a dead squirrel beer cozy!
November 30, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Someone needs to record this immediately! With man titty.
November 30, 2011 at 4:10 pm
You want someone who HAS a man titty to record this or you want someone to somehow record it USING a man titty as a device?
November 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm
I told you guise in the forums I would mix it if you all sent me an mp3 of you singing.
I have a karaoke version you can all use to sing to.
December 1, 2011 at 6:49 pm
Thank you for making me snortlaugh as I sit on the couch next to my father who has no idea what this site is about.
December 1, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Just snorted my rummy drink thru my nose!
November 30, 2011 at 11:37 am
“Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight?”
This is not exactly what my boyfriend said when I changed my pill to a real mood killer one, but if I’d worn , he could have.
Nothing like celebrating the holidays with a nice Santa-and-the-naughty-elf-scene.
November 30, 2011 at 11:38 am
I’m such a failure when it comes to html. Can somebody PLEASE tell me how I get this linkey-shit right?
November 30, 2011 at 11:38 am
Oh god, thank you so much for including the Portsmouth Sinfonia recording. In fact, kudos to you for even knowing about them!
November 30, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Oh good heavens, what IS that? Surely it’s not a real (alleged) orchestra? Please tell me it’s not?
November 30, 2011 at 11:43 am
Courtesy of the HP Lovecraft Historical Society, I present lovely carols about abysmal abominations to you:
November 30, 2011 at 11:44 am
Fuck html.
Try this:
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=H+P+Lovecraft+Historical+Society&oq=H+P+Lovecraft+Historical+Society&aq=f&aqi=g-L1&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=93068l93068l0l93679l1l1l0l0l0l0l261l261l2-1l1l0
November 30, 2011 at 12:21 pm
“Carol of the Old Ones” is a long-time favorite of mine!
November 30, 2011 at 11:44 am
Christmas Blowjob FTW!! I’ll also add I’m A Christmas Tree by Wild Man and Dr Demento and this little one for both holidays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP1gNYU27Tk&feature=youtube_gdata_player
November 30, 2011 at 11:46 am
I am pleased to say that I have had the Brady version of Frosty the Snowman sped up and slowed down on my answering machine for almost 20 years (well, during the Christmas season, anyway).
I fear it must be replaced with the Oh Holy Night version here now…
November 30, 2011 at 11:47 am
Oh dear…maybe the Davidson version of Santa Claus is coming to town…oh that just sucks balls…
November 30, 2011 at 4:12 pm
JOHN Davidson? Thanks. I just got down the last bite of dinner before I read this and remembered all his appearances—in a costume appropriate to the song he was performing—on the Mike Douglas Show.
November 30, 2011 at 5:57 pm
HE WAS SO DREAMY
November 30, 2011 at 11:51 am
I’m not seeing some of my favorites…
http://www.instructables.com/files/orig/FAC/G2V0/AL6EVYDU2TM/FACG2V0AL6EVYDU2TM.mp3
http://mp3bear.com/the-little-stinkers-i-farted-on-santas-la
November 30, 2011 at 11:58 am
Being a half jew, I have to say, OyTunes just made my christamakuh.
Thank you from the bottom of my meatsack (I don’t have a heart, clearly.)
November 30, 2011 at 12:07 pm
I lost my shit at “Tastee Christmas.” I can’t wait to use these selections to trick my Christma-tard roommate into thinking I’m ready to listen to Christmas music.
November 30, 2011 at 12:08 pm
“Crazy Jew” is by Eric Schwartz. HK, you should write it down this time.
http://www.regretsy.com/2009/12/12/oy-tunes/
November 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm
I will right now – thank you!
November 30, 2011 at 12:20 pm
First I got my Finnish Folktales yesterday. Today I get these awesome Christmas carols? I don’t know what’s better.. The “Trumpster” firing Blitzen or C3PO’s Christmas Carol. Boyfriend says Christmas Blowjob needs to be on the radio and maybe then he would listen to Christmas songs.
November 30, 2011 at 12:22 pm
I’m surprised you don’t have Tiny Tim’s “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU8IQqcq270
Or the Christmas songs (yes, PLURAL) about fisting:
Wet Spots – Fist Me This Christmas:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRfvSOuwM_4
Vinnie and the Stardusters – XXXMas Song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhDVEXQL60I
December 1, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Thanks for the Wet Spots one – that is my very favorite Christmas carol. I’ve added it to my caroling list.
November 30, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Hannukah Homeboy by Doc Mo She is amazing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er8a7gOPe5Q
November 30, 2011 at 12:29 pm
How could you leave off Tiny Tim’s gem “Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year.”
http://youtu.be/XU8IQqcq270
Or anything off of John Valby’s “Herniated Jingle Balls.”
November 30, 2011 at 7:47 pm
UMMMM this is the same guy who has a song in a spongebob episode. . .
November 30, 2011 at 12:32 pm
ROFLMAO that pickle song kills me I love it:-D
And I have to give it up for Dominick the Donkey, it’s a guilty pleasure of mine but damn listening to that Happy Birthday Jesus thing I half expected to hear the cocking of a shotgun at the end right before he blows his own head off! Lay it on a little thicker dude huh? LOL
I love this list, SO much festive fuckery:-D
November 30, 2011 at 12:38 pm
I heard years ago on The Annoying Music Show, Hanukkah Rocks, by “the oldest Jewish rock band” I think was how they described themselves. Might’ve been Gefilte Joe and the Fish, but I’m having trouble finding it online.
Hanukkah comes
(Just?) once a year
But it does
you know it’s here
HANUKKAH ROCKS!
That’s all I can remember. (I kinda liked it, and I’m not even Jewish.)
November 30, 2011 at 12:48 pm
April,
I think I love you.
November 30, 2011 at 12:51 pm
My dad is a musician/producer. In the mid-1980′s, he produced a country song for a guy called “Christmas In Jail.” It’s not the one you can find on youtube (which is also funny,) but is hilarious and horrid and both my dad’s deepest shame and greatest triumph. I’ll try to find this for you. I feel quite sure it will add to your enjoyment of the holidays.
November 30, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Christmas Sucks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3gwbDcMY5I
November 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm
That’s actually called “This Holiday Season” by Porn Orchard, which may or may not help in locating an MP3 of it (especially since there’s a completely different song called Christmas Sucks by the Arrogant Worms).
November 30, 2011 at 12:55 pm
Link text
Because we all know the holidays are about getting wasted and not remembering anything that happens…
November 30, 2011 at 12:58 pm
SORRY* Screwed that one up:
“Who Spiked the Eggnog”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9lVNqaTuQQ
Maybe I need to start getting Holiday Wasted right now.
November 30, 2011 at 1:06 pm
I would include the Feederz’ “Jesus entering from the rear”, classic punk!
December 1, 2011 at 4:52 pm
As well as Merry Christmas I fucked your Snowman by the Showcase Showdown!
November 30, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Two holiday favorites in our house:
(BTW, he found Jesus if anyone happened to be looking for him).
November 30, 2011 at 1:19 pm
You forgot Doggy Jingle Bells! It’s not Christmas with the Singing Dogs! Come on now, sing (bark?) along:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCBhQCCyhTo
As far as Chanukah I love the LeeVees Hanukkah Rocks CD: http://www.theleevees.com/ (It’s actually good)
November 30, 2011 at 1:23 pm
And I can’t count.
Also, car keys are not effective when trying to open the house.
November 30, 2011 at 1:24 pm
For real, internet? Those are both the same link. And they are for Yidcore.
November 30, 2011 at 1:27 pm
Is that April laughing in the background of the Porky Pig “Blue Christmas” track? No fair making me snarf my afternoon tea!
November 30, 2011 at 1:33 pm
The Jimi Hendrix Auld Lang Syne is fucking brilliant.
November 30, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Back when I was little and blinded by all the sparkling Christmas lights my mom smothered the house in, I used to eagerly await this time of year when the local rock station would start regularly playing the Iron Man parody, I Am Santa Claus.
November 30, 2011 at 1:42 pm
I hope the guy singing O Holy Night wasn’t trying to be funny.
If my ears weren’t already bleeding, I’d listen to it again.
November 30, 2011 at 4:26 pm
How can you say that? Unknown’s classic rendition erupts into a crescendo of caterwauling seriousness. For me it was a deeply moving experience, a reflection of man’s inhumanity towards man.
November 30, 2011 at 1:42 pm
But what about Kwanzaa? Nobody cries over Kwanzaa…
November 30, 2011 at 1:44 pm
I was disappointed Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer wasn’t on the list, then I remember this is a list of bad music and it’s a classic.
Many years ago, in the 80s, I worked at a fast food restaurant in Victoria BC with a country music fan. In December she tried calling all the country music stations across the water in Washington state, requesting they play Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. They didn’t. Eventually they told her to stop calling as that song was disrespectful and they were not going to play it. When I heard that, I called one of our local rock stations. They played it immediately.
November 30, 2011 at 1:55 pm
I misread that second Rudolph as “Donald Duck and Regis Philbin.” So disappointed.
November 30, 2011 at 2:00 pm
It is NOT Christmastime until you’ve pumped some Yogi Yorgesson through the house to the protests of everyone else. It’s been a tradition for 20 years or so, now.
November 30, 2011 at 2:13 pm
HKPril, thank you so much for this on this day. Our dog died yesterday and this is the first thing to make me smile. Chortle even. I love you.
November 30, 2011 at 4:17 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s very hard to lose a beloved pet, especially around the holidays. (((Hugs)))
November 30, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Side note: I dunno what the flying purple f### “Tastee-Christmas” is, but it has the same effect on me as would 4 Red Bulls and some trance music.
November 30, 2011 at 7:49 pm
orgasms?
November 30, 2011 at 2:15 pm
CHICKEN DREIDEL FOR THE WIN!!! I am only 1/4 Jewish, but that 1/4 is VERY PLEASED!
November 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm
I got a nerd boner from the 8-bit version of Let it Snow (ohh yes..it WILL be the new holiday song in my household) but i was very let down that the William Hung version of Deck The Halls didn’t sound like the Chinese waiters in A Christmas Story..I was anticipating hearing about “boughs of horry” and “fa ra ra ra-ing” along..but alas…they managed to find the only Asian with an accent who can actually pronounce his L’s.
November 30, 2011 at 3:37 pm
I loved it so very much. It was like playing an old NES RPG with a Christmas arc.
November 30, 2011 at 7:28 pm
i love it, too! can’t wait to play it for my daughter in the morning! good thing she has headphones.
December 1, 2011 at 4:44 am
If you enjoy that, you might also like Doctor Octoroc’s chiptunes Christmas album, 8-bit Jesus. Every song is in the style of an old school game; here’s The Legend of Noel (The Legend of Zelda meets First Noel), and Silent Knight Man (Mega Man meets Silent Night). The album is quite good, if you’re into that sort of thing.
December 1, 2011 at 5:46 am
Veit: Remind me to get you something nice for Christmas/Channukah.
November 30, 2011 at 2:45 pm
What?!? How could you have forgotten Tante Leen, and Witte kerst in de Jordaan!
November 30, 2011 at 2:49 pm
I couldn’t make it past the first song ಠ_ಠ
November 30, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Hey, I actually bought Shirim’s Klezmer Nutcracker! I suppose it does have guest-reporting properties, though.
November 30, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve been missing these ever since they disappeared from AprilWinchell.com.
November 30, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Oh god I just noticed all of the Yogi and the Bonanza. This brings me back to my childhood torture. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
November 30, 2011 at 3:13 pm
(sing it with me)
Deck the halls with April’s playlist!
Fu-fu-fu-fu-fuuuuh-fuh-FU-CKING YES!!!
Endless gratitude!
November 30, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Oh… It took me awhile to figure out the Inpatient Music Therapy Program is the patients.
November 30, 2011 at 3:52 pm
On the subject of Christmas music, I think of an unforgettable classic: “Walking Round in Women’s Underwear”
http://youtu.be/2kJ8kE5Kf3g
November 30, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Hey! 8 bit music isn’t terrible…it’s wonderful!! Thanks for sharing your unique music collection with us April.
November 30, 2011 at 4:25 pm
I don’t know the story behind it, but the “Tastee Christmas” is done with balloons . . .
December 1, 2011 at 6:43 pm
No way, it’s a middle school oboe recital!
And – thanks, HK, for warning me about the cat thing. You were so right. It was even worse than the Philip Glass incident.
November 30, 2011 at 4:26 pm
You need to add Dio’s God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. I’m not saying this is a bad song, I actually think it’s pretty damn awesome, but it would definitely get some off reactions when played at a traditional Christmas song.
November 30, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Sorry, this pile of guido-ness needs to be on the list without a doubt. Italian grandmas seem to like this song for some reason.
November 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm
ahhh…I missed it the first time I perused the list. Sorry…long day!
November 30, 2011 at 4:37 pm
Oh thank you April!! I accidentally deleted O Holy Night from my playlist and was so sad to think I won’t hear it again. That song kept me laughing all through my chemo treatment last year. The best WORST song I’ve ever heard. I cry with laughter every time I hear it. You are my new hero.
November 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I don’t think I saw this listed and if it isn’t, it damn well should be…
http://youtu.be/bYgsDsWJdFc
November 30, 2011 at 7:57 pm
This. Is. Awesome.
November 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Oh man … I wish I’d seen this before I set up the company Christmas party playlist!
November 30, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Dominick The Donkey has always been my favorite! <3
November 30, 2011 at 6:16 pm
All of the non-English ones make me all warm and happy inside… I’d so make a Chritmas party play list full of songs no one could understand!
November 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm
holy shit the matzoh ball song!!! i heard that once on the radio and could never find it again – now here it is! thank you so much.
November 30, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Tastee Christmas isn’t unknown! It’s by the Tastee Brothers! Who are just a couple of guys that wail as high as possible on their trumpets. I guess you had to play brass in HS/college marching band to think they were cool
This prompted my first post ever!
Go Brass.
Keep your band jokes, I’ve heard them all
December 1, 2011 at 6:57 pm
I still think it’s a middle school oboe recital.
November 30, 2011 at 7:56 pm
I was searching for a youtube version of “Disco Santa (N.O.E.L.)” (which is what I always play when people try to tell me they have weirder music than I do) and stumbled across these gems:
“Disco Santa (N.O.E.L.)” is in this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHoHSJao2jU&feature=related
but their little “Xmas Show” number one is pretty good too…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TTlnuMtEb0&feature=related
November 30, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Regarding attribution of the song listed as “Christmas blow job”: this is by an anonymous group of otherwise famous Hollywood types afraid to have their names associated with their songs. There was a now rare album titled, “Big, Banned, and Blue”, under the name ” Durwood Douche”.
More forbidden fun can be found here:
http://www.durwooddouche.com/Music.html
The musicians are top notch studio players, and the voices are anonymous but celebrity. Justin Timberlake is willing to take heat for “dick in a box”, but when Durwood douche made their underground recordings, nobody dared to step up to take credit for Christmas Gift, or ” Everybody’s Fucking but me”, etc.
This was regretsy style fuckery long before the interweb tubes were tied.
November 30, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Woo April, Half Italian / Half Jews of the world unite! It’s like a food/guilt-stravaganza!
November 30, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Come on now. Someone has GOT to put these all in a zip so us lazy regretsians can listen!
November 30, 2011 at 9:03 pm
I’m uploading 2 zips right now to my Mediafire account. I’ll post as soon as I’m done.
November 30, 2011 at 9:15 pm
Here they are!
Regretsy Xmas 1:
http://www.mediafire.com/?y1becsunh5dkm60
Regretsy Xmas 2:
http://www.mediafire.com/?5p5jfvepfzdw138
December 1, 2011 at 10:27 am
Thank you!!
December 1, 2011 at 7:29 pm
THank you – but what about the jews?
November 30, 2011 at 9:14 pm
OMG. I love these, at least the ones I have listened to. I’m sure the others will be just as, um, fun.
My favorites in this vein are “The Pretty Little Dolly” by Mona Abboud and “Merry Christmas from the Family” by Robert Earl Keene. They aren’t really horrible, but they are very sick and twisted. Actually the second one, while describing a truly odd yet predictable family Christmas gathering, is a wonderful mini-retelling of the miracle that is Christmas. (I should write an essay on that sometime.) (BTW, I’d love to go to that family’s get-togethers sometime.)
You just gotta love any song that starts with “Mom got drunk, and Dad got drunk.”
November 30, 2011 at 9:20 pm
I may have missed it, but I don’t see the Burger King version of the Carol of the Bells. The guys at work fell in love with this and played it ad nauseum as well as singing it ALL THROUGH THE DAY even after Christmas.
At this point, I can’t listen to that thing without hearing “Ding! Fries are Done!” I dread its coming back again this year.
November 30, 2011 at 9:54 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf8Rnw1mQrs
I heard this driving through Juarez on Christmas morning once. It was simply magical.
November 30, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Umm… I noticed that some holiday classics are missing from this list, such as “Santa claus is goin straight to the ghetto” by snoop dog
November 30, 2011 at 10:31 pm
Yes. But you don’t have.
THE CHRISTMAS SHOES.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpkI7GW2V34
You know no horror. Until you follow this link.
November 30, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Also, I know this might be like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real, but the guy who did the horrible O Holy Night is actually a professional orchestrator, and yes, it was a joke. But it’s still hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiAuyM3gB5U
November 30, 2011 at 11:57 pm
Fucking pure gold!
December 1, 2011 at 1:12 am
“It’s Beginning To Look Like Syphilis” by Four Skins gives you that wonderful scent of fuckery this Shitmas.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9kwJ2pV4yc
December 1, 2011 at 1:51 am
Holy shit, Frosty the snowman in Swedish makes me ashamed of being Swedish. The text… The fucking text… I hate christmas now.
December 1, 2011 at 6:50 am
http://www.nathanleigh.net/component/k2/itemlist/category/5
some of the best christmas covers available. Proudly made by jews, including my brother. It’s all free and mostly hilarious. Please check it out and enjoy, I listen to it on a continuous loop this time of year to make up for the fact that all my oldies stations play nothing but xmas music and it makes me bleed a little out of my ears.
December 1, 2011 at 7:47 am
REALLY great! Thanks for sharing.
December 1, 2011 at 6:54 am
8-Bit Let It Snow + Sliding Car Fun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zukDc9Sa3sI
December 1, 2011 at 7:43 am
I urge everyone to give that “this shit” link a WELL DESERVED listen! I think it might get better after a couple of cocktails!
December 1, 2011 at 11:31 am
I love off-the-wall holiday music. My current favorite albums:
A Very John Waters Christmas
Oy to the World by the Klezmonauts
December 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm
With all due respect, there NOTHING, I mean absolutely NOTHING worse than these guys:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/recsradio/radio/B001NCE7HQ/ref=pd_krex_dp_a
Next to them Shirim’s Klezmer Nutcracker sounds like a child care recital.
December 1, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I’d have to suggest anything from the Blowfly (the original dirty Rapper aka a 70 year old man who raps about his sick a lot)Christmas album (http://www.amazon.com/Blowfly-Does-XXX-Mas/dp/B000028TX5).
December 2, 2011 at 2:00 am
If noone else in the UK heard it on Chris Moyles’ show today- Someone find and download ‘Dominic the Donkey’ for April- it’s amazing but i have too much work on today to find it
xx
December 2, 2011 at 6:44 pm
So glad you reposted this list, I seem to have lost my bookmark from last year. Do you still have “Arrest these Merry Gentlemen”? It was one of my favorites last year!
December 2, 2011 at 7:51 pm
Does anyone listen to Soma Fm Xmas in Frisko? http://somafm.com/play/xmasinfrisko24
Where else can you hear Christmas songs by Kukla Fran and Ollie?
December 4, 2011 at 10:36 am
I love Soma FM! In fact, it was there that I first heard my favorite Christmas song: Holy Shit, It’s Christmas. Here’s a link– the “video” is crap, be warned!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR3EiIO22GQ
December 5, 2011 at 2:25 pm
I don’t know if you like to keep track of artists/albums as much as I do, but for what it’s worth, the “Tastee Christmas” isn’t actually the Tastee Brothers (known for their ridiculous lead-trumpet renditions of many songs). I can’t seem to find a definitive answer on what exactly the recording is from, except that the lead trumpeters on it used to be in Disney’s Future Corps. =/
December 6, 2011 at 12:43 am
Shit, and as far as I have been able to find, the title is “Why There Is No Trumpet Christmas”.
December 8, 2011 at 12:17 pm
I think Two Front Teeth is a Japanese version. Holy fucking shitmas, I love this playlist. I might just die.
December 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm
No “Merry Fucking Christmas” by Mr. Garrison of South Park? No Kenny singing “You can suck all the cock you want,” and Mr. Hankey chiming in, “…and still be a virgin, Mary!” I feel cheated. Boo… hooo…
December 10, 2011 at 4:56 pm
I was browsing the archives with my Gramma (and I hope I’m spelling properly after drinking with her) when we came across this entry. Since I’m planning a holiday party, we decided to pay special attention to the song list, especially the Oy Tunes section, since we’re waiting patiently for Hannuka Harry.
At the bottom of the list was a stupid parody from the early days of chain-mailings: “Matzoa Number 5.”
This had been my Gramma’s mother’s favorite song, despite the fact that had hit her inbox a few years before she died (at 98, despite drinking like the Russian she was). Needless to say, my Gramma was fuhclempt, and tearfully demanded I help her record the song as her new ringtone.
As I helped her stumble into the taxi that would take her home, she made me promise I would thank “that nice shiksa who has such good taste in holiday music.”
So thank you for helping us find the song again. Happy Holidays, you fuckers.
December 21, 2011 at 3:09 pm
As a disney castmember working in the star tours area (aka ground zero for nerds)…thank you so much for the Star Wars Christmas music.
As part of the nerdy sewing, knitting, costuming group, we all tend to somewhat live on Etsy, so thanks for all the “what the fucking bloody shit cock fuck hell” moments this past year.
Hugs and kisses,
Leia, Rapunzel, Belle, etc (and their real world counterparts)
December 22, 2011 at 6:29 pm
from one half jew to another – a holiday medley of sorts. “The Slay Bell Suite Mrs. Claus and Matzo Balls (by Frauke)” – http://soundcloud.com/copsandrobbersmusic/10-the-slay-bell-suite-mrs
December 23, 2011 at 12:38 am
Hey, hey… I didn’t see “I shot Santa in my Underwear” by The Fools anywhere on this list! It covers horrible kitschy goodness, horrible Yuletide music AND vaguely insulting Jewish stereotypes! I remember it from my youth haunting the Dr. Demento show’s Christmas broadcasts.
But thank you so much HK. December is always a somewhat rough month for a fat, jealous, forever alone, loser Regretsy Thug like myself and the Inpatient Music Therapy Program version of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” almost made me wet my pants. I have not laughed like that in MONTHS. I really, really needed it. May the yarn for your full body ski-masks -never- tangle! CF4L!